Apologies to the real Liam Smith whom I've never even met in any way shape or form. I just felt like doing this.

FADE IN:

INT: UPPA DA CREEK APARTMENTS - BIPPOS APARTMENT
We see BIPPO sitting at a PC logged onto an IRC chat room.

				BIPPO
	Oh, Shinys back. 
			[types on screen while talking out loud slowly] 
	Where... you... been... man?
			[looks at screen] [types] 
	What where you in prison for? Did... you do.... something... 
	bad? 
			[reads] [types] 
	Thought about moving.... to another.... country? You could 
	try... coming over here... in Las Vegas, we're very... 
	forgiving. 
			[reads] [to self] 
	Only got two months for that? Gee, Britain is slack on
	laws. Anyhow, what's wrong with that? Michael Jackson 
	got away with worse, and he settled out of court.
			[types] 
	I live in Vegas, no one... cares about that... kinda 
	thing here. 
			[reads] [to self]  
	You're a celebrity? 
			[types] 
	I didn't... know you... were famous. So what's your... 
	real name? 
			[reads on screen for a minute and 
			visibly struggles to try to recall 
			the name] [types] 
	Never heard of you.

MUSIC STING
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Theme tune [to the tune of "I'm the leader of the pack, I am." by Gary
Glitter]

If you wanna be on this show,
this show, this show,
if you wanna be on this show,
LOSER!

He's the loser, he's the loser,
he's the loser of the pack, oh yeah.

OLE!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARRING

Dian Bachar
as
"LIAM SMITH"

Ed Asner
as
"MISTER HILTER"

GUEST STARRING

Cameron Diaz
as
"STACY VAVOOM"

Robert Floyd
as
"BIPPO the CLOWN"

SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY
                        
Christopher Lee
as
The Voice of "DEATH"

AND SPECIAL GUEST STARS

David Peckinpah
as
"SATAN"

and
GARY GLITTER
as
himself.

                
FADE IN.
INT. LIAMs apartment. BIPPO is there flipping through a catalogue acting
very agitated.

				BIPPO
	Isn't it irritating, that you can never find what your 
	looking for in a catalogue?

				LIAM
	What are you looking for?

				BIPPO
	Woman's sportswear.

				LIAM
	Right, so was there actually a reason why you were here?

				BIPPO
	Well you see there's this thing I have about pictures of 
	woman in sportswear. 
			[eyes take on a glazed over appearance] 
	Tight, sweaty, scanty sportswear

				LIAM
	APART from that.

				BIPPO
	Oh, well there's my friend whose coming over here from 
	Britain. You know, the guy I met on the Internet.

				LIAM
	Oh yeah. So lets see, you've invited this guy from Britain 
	over to America to make a new life for himself. And you've 
	never really met him, except over the Internet?

				BIPPO
	Yeah, that's about the whole tale in one neat compacted 
	bundle. How'd you know all that? I only just got in here 
	and this is the first time we've spoken about it. And, er 
	Liam, what's with the huge cross hanging around your neck?

				LIAM
	You've been ranting about the Internet chat room you've 
	been going to for months now, everyone in the block knows 
	about this guy you've been talking to.  And as for the cross, 
	didn't I tell you about my near God experience?

				BIPPO
	Is that what their calling near death experiences nowadays?

				LIAM
			[ignoring BIPPO] 
	Well, it was incredible, I met God, he does exist. And
	he told me I had a destiny.

				BIPPO
	You take a blow to the head recently, or are you just on 
	really strong drugs?

				LIAM
	Oh come on Bippo, you were there when the car I was in 
	exploded.

				BIPPO
	That was you? I never did get to use those marshmallows. 
	You've not became an evangelist have you?

				LIAM
	NO!

				BIPPO
	Good after all that happened on new years day, I was kinda 
	worried about you there.

				LIAM
			[quietly] 
	Not as worried as I am having you in here.

				BIPPO
	You say something bud?

				LIAM
			[thinking] 
	Think fast bright boy, you got a potential psycho here.
	Remember the rumors about the animals. 
			[out loud] 
	Erm no, no. I was just clearing my throat. 
			[thinking] 
	Phew, good call there. Now distract him with a clever change 
	of conversation. 
			[out loud] 
	So, how you going to recognize him?

				BIPPO
	Well he said we'd be able to tell him apart from everyone 
	else. He kind of sticks out in a crowd in his usual attire.

				LIAM
	So, what did he do for a living?

				BIPPO
	He said he was an entertainer. Something to do with glamour.

				LIAM
	A topless model, maybe?

				BIPPO
	HE'S a singer, Liam. You've been watching way too many 
	Kari Wuher movies. Anyhow, got to go. 
			[walks to the door and pauses] 
	He's also a vegetarian so he ought to get on with our 
	neighbor, what's her name?  The incredibly gorgeous one 
	whose does all those deeds for charity and is dating the 
	fanboy nerd? That's bound to make a good impression on
	her. Can we get her to come along too? Huh Liam? Huh?

				LIAM
	Stacy? Sure, why not? We can have someone else try to 
	steal her away from me.

				BIPPO
	So that's me, her and Mister Hilter. Hmm, say you wanna 
	come as well?

				LIAM
	I thought the whole point of you being here was to ask 
	me to come.

				BIPPO
	Hmm no, no, I'd only just thought of asking you to come. 
	The reason I came was to look at the catalogue.

				LIAM
	Your not serious? You are serious, aren't you? Then why 
	did you come here in the first place then?

				BIPPO
	Well you remember the apartment next to yours is empty?

				LIAM
	Chocolate Treat's room?

				BIPPO
	No the other one. On the other side of your front door? 
	You did know there was another apartment there, didn't you?

				LIAM
	There is? Er, yeah sure, course I did. Empty is it? What 
	a shame.

				BIPPO
	Yeah, well it won't be much longer. That why I wanted to 
	talk to you. I also wanted to borrow this catalogue. 

Bippo leaves.

				LIAM
	So, I'm having some weirdo British person living next 
	door to me? 
			[a beat] 
	Should get on just fine with the people round here then.

INT: MISTER HILTERS APARTMENT
LIAM is talking to MISTER HILTER -whose reading a huge book covered with
leather- about the new tenant.

				LIAM
	So do you know anything about Bippo's new mysterious 
	friend?

				HILTER
	Other then there must be something wrong with him to be 
	Bippo's friend?  No, nothing.

				LIAM
	Oh come on Mister Hilter, your jumping the gun a bit. 
	Can't we give the guy a chance first?  I mean it couldn't 
	hurt to just take a blind leap of faith every once in
	a while, could it?

				HILTER
	It could if it involved leaping near Bippo when he's 
	holding a knife.

				LIAM
	That was low. You never do give people a chance do you?

				HILTER
	Oh I used to, I used to. But that was all a long time ago. 
	You see if I've learned one thing in life, it's that there 
	are three certain things. Death is one, taxes another, though 
	it's debatable which is worse. And then there is the third.

				LIAM
	The third?

				HILTER
	Yes, a third. The most dangerous of all.

				LIAM
	What? WHAT?

				HILTER
	The Bandwagon.

				LIAM
	What? Bandwagon?

				HILTER
	From all the jumping on it people do without thinking. 
	Like writing an Internet sitcom that you know people 
	will read and laugh at, and then let some no talent hacks 
	come along and write guest scripts. 
			[looks at camera for a beat] 
	That's jumping on the bandwagon. But that's another
	lesson.

				LIAM
	I don't get it.

				HILTER
	Ahh, you're young, you'll see someday what I mean. Come on 
	Liam, time to go. We've got to meet this friend of Bippo's. 
	God help us all if he doesn't kill us in our sleep.

				LIAM
	Somehow I never thought we'd hear the words "friend" and 
	"Bippo" in the same sentence. Not unless there were some 
	more words being used in a rather nasty way in-between.

				HILTER
	Er, Liam, what happened to not being prejudiced?

				LIAM
	Not being what?

				HILTER
	Forget it Liam, forget it.

				LIAM
	So you coming to meet the guy?

				HILTER
	Do I have to?

				LIAM
	Well he is going to be living here.

				HILTER
	He is? Oh, yeah, he is the new tenant. I'd forgotten all 
	about that.

				LIAM
	How could you possible forget about a new tenant?

				HILTER
	Well my mind has been on other things. 

Hilter puts the book down on his bed.

				LIAM
	So what's in the book?

				HILTER
	Oh nothing. Nothing important. Just a little quiet 
	reading on the side.

				LIAM
	The side of what?

				HILTER
	Well right now, the side of my bed. 
			[pats the book] 
	It's just a little tome about the Grim Reaper. With all 
	the deaths and other assorted weird things that have been 
	happening around here recently, I was wanting to do some 
	research on seeing if there's any way to communicate short 
	of dying to speak to Death himself. But I've been unable 
	to find anything in that book, yet. Oh well, come on lets 
	go. By the way, where's Bippo?

				LIAM
	Oh he went on ahead to ask Stacy if she wanted to come.

				HILTER
	Oh right. 
			[a beat] 
	You let THAT man go to a woman's apartment by himself?

				LIAM
			[a beat] 
	Yes 
			[another beat] 
	Oh SH*[BEEP]*T!

INT: CORRIDOR OUTSIDE MISTER HILTERS APARTMENT
LIAM and HILTER run out of his apartment only to crash into BIPPO

				HILTER
	GRAB HIM! DON'T LET THE SICK SON A BI*[BEEP]*CH GET FREE!

				LIAM
	I GOT HIM!

				STACY
	Hi Guys, what you up to?

				LIAM
	Oh hi Stacy, we're just trying to stop this petty 
	psycho from killing you or any other innocent woman.

				STACY
	Oh.

				HILTER
	Could you go into my apartment Miss VaVoom? I have 
	some strong rope in there.

				LIAM
	You think rope will hold this guy?

				BIPPO
	I like rope. I like it a LOT!

				HILTER
	Ok, Miss VaVoom, in my tool chest I have some chains 
	and... wait a minute. Miss VaVoom?

				STACY
	Yes?

				HILTER
	Your alive? Unharmed?

				STACY
	Why wouldn't I be?

				LIAM
	It's just, er... well...

				HILTER
	We thought he... and you see... He has this reputation 
	you see....

				STACY
	As a perfect gentleman no doubt, because that what he was.

				BIPPO
	Aw, shucks. Your embarrassing me. Liam, could you put you 
	knee a little further down my spine? 
			[a cracking noise is heard] 
	Ah, perfect.

				STACY
	A little strange in his dress sense maybe, but a gentleman 
	all the same.

				HILTER
	A little strange? A gentleman?

				LIAM
	Think of her choice of boyfriends.

				STACY
	Yes, we're were just on our way to meet you all to go 
	to meet Bippo's friend at the airport. Can't wait, he's 
	got the same name as my boyfriend you know.

INT: AIRPORT ARRIVAL ROOM
LIAM and BIPPO are sitting next to each other. BIPPO is now tied up with
rope from before.

				LIAM
	Look Bippo, your friend isn't going to think too highly 
	of you on first impressions when he sees you dressed up 
	in your best...
			[a beat] 
	...suit, and then sees all that rope you tied on yourself 
	during the car trip.

				BIPPO
	Oh that's okay. You see my friend has a problem. Well, not 
	really a problem. Depends on how you look at it really. He'd 
	probably like all this rope. He's into kinky stuff.

				LIAM
	What is it? This problem he has?

				BIPPO
	He likes little boys... And girls.

				LIAM
	Well everyone likes kids. Stacy likes kids, I like kids, 
	heck even Mr Hilter must like kids.

				BIPPO
	I don't. I hate them. Having pictures of them on his 
	computer got him sent to jail for two months.

				LIAM
	Kiddie pictures?

				BIPPO
	Yeah, in their birthday suits.

				LIAM
	Oh boy. Bippo, it's illegal to have pictures of kids 
	naked on your computer. Even in a backwater third world 
	country like Britain.

				BIPPO
	What about in magazines?

				LIAM
	That too.

				BIPPO
	So how come child pageants are legal? Oh boy. You mean 
	you CAN go to jail for having pictures of naked kids? 
	Must be a pain for proud parents taking baby snaps of 
	their own kids for the photo albums. Hmm, speaking
	of which I gotta do some cleaning when I get home. Hey, 
	you sure about this?

				LIAM
	What? YES! 
			[a beat] 
	Well, pretty sure. It's just as well you didn't tell
	Stacy about your friends preferences.

				BIPPO
	Oh I did.

				LIAM
	WHAT? What did she say?

				BIPPO
	She just smiled a lot. Had this weird kinda look in her 
	eyes. Kinda like when a big dog has seen it's got a cat 
	stuck in an alley with no way out.

				LIAM
			[holds head in hands] 
	Oh boy. We could be seeing a whole new side to her
	in about five minutes.

				BIPPO
	Why five minutes?

				LIAM
	Well his plane just got in, he should be here any 
	minute. At least Mr Hilter doesn't know about his past.

				BIPPO
	Well that's one piece of good news I have had today. 
	Well, it's the best piece of news I've had since I 
	heard that my friend was coming here.

				LIAM
	I thought you invited him?

				BIPPO
	Oh, yeah, but it's still gotta be good news. Hasn't it?

				LIAM
	I really have no idea anymore. 
		[starts looking at the passengers as they
		enter the lounge] 
	Oh good grief. Who is that geek?

				BIPPO
	Which geek?

				LIAM
	The one coming out of the arrivals area. In the Elvis 
	style glitter suit.

				BIPPO
	Erm, Liam, there's a lot of people dressed like Elvis 
	in this town.

				LIAM
	I mean, who honestly goes around dressed like that?

				BIPPO
	Elvis impersonators maybe? 
			[takes a long hard look] 
	Wait a minute.

				LIAM
	I mean the guy must have no self respect. No dignity. And 
	look at that hair. That's got to be a wig, and - OhMyGod. 
	He's coming this way.

				BIPPO
	Liam that's-

				LIAM
			[whispering] 
	Bippo, that freak with his stupid high hair and the silvery
	suit is coming this way. What the hell is he coming here for?

				GARY GLITTER
	Killer clown?

				BIPPO
	Shinny?

				LIAM
	Who?

				BIPPO
	Liam Smith, meet Gary Glitter, our new tenant.

				LIAM
	Erm, hi. Nice hair. Love the sideburns, gotta love the way 
	you've got them coming right down to the back of your jaw. 
	So, er, Bippo tells me your found of children?

				BIPPO
	Well it's great to see you. We brought another tenant with 
	us to great you, she went to powder her nose, and of course 
	the landlord is around here too. Somewhere.

				HILTER
	My god. Gary Glitter? Good grief, I've been a fan for such 
	a long time.

				LIAM
	Since World War one?

				GLITTER
	Well, it's always nice to meet a fan, Mr?

				HILTER
	Hilter.

				GLITTER
	Hitler?

				HILTER
	No Hilter, HILT-er.

				LIAM
	So, your supposed to be famous Mr Gritter? I can't say I've 
	ever heard of you until today.

				GLITTER
	Glitter. GLITT-er. Well yes, mostly in Britain. And maybe 
	one or two countries in Europe, you might have heard of 
	me on these PBS stations you have. Think of me in the same 
	way the Germans think of David Hasselhoff.

				LIAM
	A talent less foreign hack? I thought you were British though?

				GLITTER
	Well I am, but, I meant that YOU should think of me as - 
	forget it. But the Germans do have great respect for him 
	as an artist.

				LIAM
	He paints?

				GLITTER
	No, he's a singer and musician, as well as an actor.

				BIPPO
	Since when did David Hasselhoff act?

				LIAM
	So what have you been doing? Like, in the last couple of 
	months?

				HILTER
	This isn't the place for questions. Look we'll get you 
	back to the apartment, then we can give you the Spanish 
	inquisition treatment.  Where's Stacy?

				BIPPO
	Hey, there she is, just coming out of the ladies room.

				STACY
	Hi everyone, sorry I was so long. The queue in there was 
	unbelievable. So, you must be Bippos' friend?

				GLITTER
	That's right, Gary Glitter, and you are?

				STACY
	Child rights activist. 
		[punches GLITTER down to the ground 
		with a single right cross knocking his wig 
		right off] 
	How dare you come into this country to spread your filth!? 
	You should be ashamed of yourself!

				HILTER
	Gary, Gary are you all right?

				GLITTER
	That reminds me of one of my songs. "I dare you to lay 
	one on me."

				STACY
	Okay, I will. 

Stacy punches Glitter out with her other hand.

				HILTER
	He's out cold. Stacy, what's came over you?

				STACY
	What's came over you? Letting a convicted pediphile into 
	the apartments?

				HILTER
	Oh come on, that's never been proven.

				BIPPO
	Er, he did two months in jail

				HILTER
	You sure?

				BIPPO
	Oh yes.

				HILTER
	Well, I'm not going to have a - 

Hilter pauses as the voice of Liam is heard from the apartment scene 
earlier.

				LIAM'S VOICE OVER
	Oh come on Mister Hilter, your jumping the gun a bit. Can't 
	we give the guy a chance first? I mean it couldn't hurt to 
	just take a blind leap of faith every once in a while, could 
	it? You never give people a chance do you? Your jumping the 
	gun a bit. Just take a blind leap of faith... Blind leap of 
	faith... Leap of faith... Bandwagon?

				HILTER
	Aw hell. Ok, Bippo, Liam help me get him in the car. Stacy, 
	you're riding shotgun where I can keep an eye on you.

				LIAM
	Mr Hilter, you can't be serious. Do you know what this guy 
	has done?

				HILTER
	Liam my boy, you were the one who convinced me earlier to 
	give people a chance. And gosh darn it, with God as my 
	witness I am going to be at least a little kinder to people 
	from now on. Even people that have had a problem like Gary 
	here. 

HILTER, LIAM and BIPPO drag GARY GLITTER's unconscious body out of the
airport with STACY following behind angry

				STACY
	Funny, I always thought you were a nice guy.

				HILTER
	That's because your a woman, an attractive young woman. 
	Go figure.

				STACY
	MEN!

FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- The Strangers, coming soonly. To a PBS station in the US soon.
- The greatest hits of Gary Glitter [insert footage of STACY VAVOOM
hitting GARY GLITTER]
- BBC world service, putting the pressure on PBS stations all over the
world by showing the same British shows in higher quality formats and
using British peoples money to provide the rest of the world with
another TV channel to watch.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN - INT HILTERS APARTMENT
LIAM and BIPPO come in dragging GARY GLITTER in with them. BIPPO and
GARY GLITTER's wigs have gotten mixed up. HILTER comes in with a few
suitcases in each hand.

				HILTER
	Okay boys, dump him on the sofa.

				LIAM
	Man, for a vegetarian, this guy weighs a ton.

				BIPPO
	Hey dragging bodies around is second nature to me.

				LIAM
			[dumps GLITTER on the sofa] 
	Figures. Hey what happened to his other shoe?

				BIPPO
	Must have fell off during that commotion with the hair 
	pieces at the top of the stairs.

				LIAM
	We should have took the elevator.

				BIPPO
	Like everything else in this joint, it was out of order.

				LIAM
	Do you think this guy is ever going to wake up?

				GLITTER
			[wakes up] 
	Hello, hello, I'm back again.

				LIAM
			[sits down next to GLITTER] 
	Well that's nice to hear.

				BIPPO
	How you feeling bud?

				GLITTER
	Rock hard men, 
			[pats BIPPO on the shoulder] 
	need the power.

				LIAM
	Erm, yes?

				GLITTER
	Rock on.

				BIPPO
			[looks at GLITTER's eye] 
	Man that's one heck of a shiner Stacy gave you. She 
	must work out or something.

				GLITTER
	And then she kissed me.

				LIAM
	Er, no she hit you. Twice. Very hard.

				GLITTER
	What your mama don't see, your mama don't know,

				LIAM
	The hell is he on about Bippo?

				BIPPO
	I have no idea.

				GLITTER
	Papa Oom, mow mow.  It takes all night long.

				LIAM
	Or five minutes in your company to get scared.

				GLITTER
	A little boggie woggie in the back of my mind.

				BIPPO
	Ok, this is getting scary. Think it must have 
	been those punches Stacy gave him?

				GLITTER
	Be my baby.

				LIAM
	Either that or he's on hard drugs. I think we ought 
	to get Mr Hilter.

				GLITTER
	All that Glitters.

				LIAM
	MR HILTER! COME QUICK! MR GLITTER IS ACTING WEIRD!

				GLITTER
	Dance me up.

Hilter runs in with a  baseball bat in his hands and sees GARY GLITTER 
dancing around the place.

				HILTER
	What is that weirdo up to?

				GLITTER
	Do you wanna touch me?

				HILTER
	Only like this you pervert. 
			[whacks GARY GLITTER over the top 
			of the head with the baseball bat] 
	You got to admit, this kinda thing is damn useful as 
	a weapon.

				BIPPO
	I thought you liked this guy?

				HILTER
	I thought this guy was supposed to be your friend?

				LIAM
	He just started to say all these weird slogans.

				BIPPO
	Everything we said, he just came up with some sort of, 
	well, suggestive lines.

				LIAM
	You know it was scary for a minute. Till you whacked 
	him over the head.

				BIPPO
	Yeah, why is he breathing so funny?

				LIAM
	Uh oh. Do you think he's dead?

				GLITTER
			[murmuring] 
	Doing all right with the boys.

				HILTER
	Hmm, that sounds familiar.

				GLITTER
	Let's get together again.

				HILTER
	Uh oh.

				GLITTER
	Sidewalk sinner.

				LIAM
	That not the only place you've sinned I'll bet.

				GLITTER
	When I'm on, I'm on.

				BIPPO
	Even I don't want to know what that means.

				HILTER
	Liam, Bippo, these are all songs he's had on his albums. 
	I think these are spanning his entire career.

STACY walks in

				GLITTER
			[serenades STACY] 
	Oh yes your beautiful.

				STACY
	Mr Hilter, please don't tell me your going to keep 
	that perverted freak in here?

				GLITTER
	Love like you and me.

				HILTER
	I'm afraid I may have to, unless he doesn't regain his 
	senses, in which case I'm going to have to take him to 
	the nearest hospital that doesn't have Alan Alda. We've 
	got enough comedy going right here.

				GLITTER
			[goes down on one knee in front of STACY] 
	You belong to me.

				STACY
	What is this idiot up to now?

				GLITTER
	Always yours

				HILTER
	We think, that is I think that when you hit him, you did 
	some kind of neurological damage that's causing him to 
	recite his old song titles.

				GLITTER
	Angel face

				LIAM
	And of course being hit over the head with Mr Hilter's 
	baseball bat couldn't help.

				BIPPO
	Or having us drop him down the stair case a few times 
	either.

				GLITTER
	Remember me this way.

				STACY
	Oh, I will. 

Stacy hits Glitter full on his jaw with her knee.

				BIPPO
	Oh, you could just hear the glass SMASH there.

				GLITTER
			[stumbling around the place] 
	I didn't know I loved you, till I saw you rock 
	and roll.

				STACY
	This guy doesn't know how to take a hint. 

Stacy punches Glitter again.

				GLITTER
	I love, you love, me love...

INSERT FOOTAGE - we see HILTER and STACY taking turns at hitting GARY
GLITTER with their hands, baseball bat, nearby books and still he goes
on. A shot of LIAM and BIPPO jumping up and down on something repeatable
behind the sofa while HILTER and STACY take a time out with a couple of
mugs of coffee. We see a close up of a small clock as the time on it
goes flying by on.

				LIAM
	Bippo, what are you doing with that clock?

				STACY
			[punches GARY GLITTER again] 
	My hand is getting sore now.

				GLITTER
			[leans backwards and throws his arms back] 
	I'm the leader of the gang I am.

				HILTER
	Right, that's about it 
			[whacks GARY GLITTER out with another baseball
			bat attack] 
	I always hated that particular song. It's the only one he
	ever actually puts any effort into.

				BIPPO
	Well it is his signature tune. 
			[checks GLITTERs pulse] 
	He's out this time.

				STACY
	About time.

				LIAM
	Mr Hilter, he isn't breathing anymore

				BIPPO
			[looks at the door] 
	Uh oh. Anyone looking at the door now?

				STACY
	Funny, could have sworn I closed it behind me.

				LIAM
			[looks up] 
	Oh my god.

				HILTER
	Well, looks like I found the way to summon him then.

				STACY
	Who? There's no one there.

				HILTER
	You can't see him?

				STACY
	Who am I supposed to be seeing?

				LIAM
	A tall guy in a black cloak and a long stick.

INSERT SHOT. A very tall  and expensive CGI figure, in a black cloak
holding a long staff stands in the doorway. Everyone except STACY is
staring at it. He throws back his hood to reveal that he has a fleshless
skull. This is DEATH, the Grim Reaper.

				STACY
	Mr Hilter, you haven't been going around hitting everyone 
	with that bat have you?

FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Pay per view events, stealing your money.
- The greatest hits of GARY GLITTER [insert footage of Mr HILTER hitting
GARY GLITTER with a baseball bat]
- Star Trek Insurrection, buy the video anywhere. PLEASE!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN - INT HILTERS APARTMENT
DEATH is now standing behind STACY and is making the bunny gesture with
a skeletal hand behind her head.

				STACY
	Guys? What are you looking at?

Death makes a gesture behind STACY's head and she freezes.

				DEATH
	FORGET!

				HILTER
	You mean this is the only way to get Death here? Kill 
	someone? Damn there's a flaw somewhere in all this occult 
	meddling.

				LIAM
	Yeah, but how are we seeing him?

				DEATH
	YOU THREE HERE HAVE ALL BEEN TOUCHED IN YOUR LIVES BY SOME 
	OCCULT FORCES, AND THEREFORE HAVE THE ABILITY TO SEE ME 
	THROUGH THAT EXPERIENCE. LIAM, YOU HAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP 
	WITH GOD. MR HILTER YOU HAVE WORKED IN THE FIELD OF THE 
	OCCULT ON MANY A TIME BEFORE AND THEREFORE COULD ALWAYS HAVE 
	SEEN ME AT ANY TIME. AND BIPPO, WELL THE LEAST SAID ABOUT 
	WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO THE BETTER. OH AND WILLIAM SMITH, 
	DON'T TREAT ME AS IF I NOT HERE.

				LIAM
	You can't talk to me in that way. I have God on my side.

				DEATH
	EVEN GOD FEARS ME. GODS, DEMONS, HUMANS. THEY ARE ALL 
	ALIKE TO ME. FOR I CANNOT BE KILLED, FOR AS LONG AS THERE 
	IS LIFE, THERE WILL BE DEATH, AND AS LONG AS THERE IS DEATH 
	THERE IS, ER, OK FORGET THAT LAST LINE. JUST DON'T THINK I 
	CAN'T TAKE YOUR LIFE RIGHT HERE AND NOW YOUNG MAN. IT'S
	NOT A CASE OF WHO YOU KNOW BUT WHAT YOU KNOW.

				LIAM
	Sorry, sir.

				DEATH
			[strides over to GARY GLITTER corpse] 
	THIS PLACE HAS BEEN A VERY BUSY PLACE FOR ME. MORE SO IN 
	THE LAST FEW MONTHS. AND IF SOME ARE NOT MORE CAREFUL I MAY 
	BE MAKING ANOTHER VISIT HERE.
 
INSERT - shot of LIAM, totally oblivious to the meaning of that
statement.

				DEATH [cont]
	AND NOW, A GREAT EVIL HAS BEEN REMOVED. NO MORE WILL ANYONE 
	HAVE TO SUFFER FROM THIS MANS WORK, EXCEPT WHEN SOME RADIO 
	STATION SCREWS UP AND PLAYS ONE OF HIS HITS.

				LIAM
	Don't tell me he was working for Satan?

				DEATH
	NO HE WAS A FREE AGENT. GLAM ROCKERS, POP STARS, BOYBANDS 
	AND THE SPICE GIRLS, ARE NEARLY AS BAD AS TRAFFIC WARDENS 
	IN THAT NO ONE KNOWS WHO REALLY THOUGHT THEM UP. IT'S THE 
	SAME WITH CLOWNS, TELETUBBIES AND BARNEY.

				BIPPO
	HEY!

				DEATH
	YES?

				BIPPO
	Nothing.

Death stamps his staff down hard on the floor, and a spring loaded blade 
pops up out of the top, turning the staff into a scythe.] 

				DEATH
	AND NOW, THE BIT WHERE I CAN GUARANTEE CUSTOMER SATISFACTION 
	EVERY TIME. 

Death swings the scythe downwards at GARY GLITTER's corpse, cutting 
into and going through it without a trace of any blood

				DEATH
	NOTHING LIKE A JOB DONE WELL. RISE GARY GLITTER, YOUR TIME 
	IS DUE.

INSERT SHOT - GARY GLITTER's corpse rises for a second, and then his
spirit pops out wearing a white version of his silver suit, while the
corpse falls back onto the sofa. Everything he's wearing is white. Even
his wig is white. He stands up lopsided and looks down.

				GLITTER
	Where's my other platform boot?

				DEATH
	IT HARDLY MATTERS ANY MORE, NOT WHERE YOUR GOING.

				GLITTER
	I'm not going back to Britain am I?

INSERT SHOT - A ring of hell fire forms around GARY GLITTER and sucks
him down into hell.

				HILTER
	You know, the funny thing is, the direction he went, 
	that's Chocolate Treats old room, before she moved up 
	to the room next to Liam the day before he moved there.

				DEATH
	MY JOB HERE IS DONE. 

Death turns to leave.

				HILTER
	Wait, if I ever need to contact you again, I don't have 
	to go through all this do I?

				DEATH
	OH NO. INDEED NOT. IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK TO ME AGAIN, 
	SIMPLY DIE, AND I'LL BE THERE. I ALWAYS AM.

Death exits.

				LIAM
	Bippo where you going?

				BIPPO
	This is a once in a life time chance, to see the Grim Reaper 
	leave a building. Come on.

				LIAM
	I think I'll pass on that. You ok Mr Hilter?

				HILTER
	Oh sure fine. I've just been molested by the Grim Reaper, 
	have a hypnotized woman standing in my living room and 
	I have a corpse on my sofa. I couldn't be better.

				LIAM
	Well that's good to hear Mr Hilter.

				HILTER
	Damnit Liam, I was being sarcastic and-

				VOICE OF DEATH
			[amid thumping noises] 
	OH BUGGER!


				BIPPO
	Hey guess what. Death started making his way down the 
	stairs and found Gary Glitters other platform shoe. And 
	I don't think that the way he landed is very good for his 
	neck. Should we take him to the ER?

				HILTER
	Somehow I don't think that would be a good idea. I mean, 
	if you were in the hospital would you want to see him in 
	the bed next to you?

				LIAM
	Good point. What are we going to do with the body? And Stacy?

				HILTER
	Well hypnosis generally wears off after a little while, so 
	maybe we'd better take her into her apartment, from what
	Death said to her I don't think she'll ever remember what 
	happened here today. As for the body, that's where Bippo's 
	specialty comes in. Making people disappear.

				BIPPO
	Yeah. By the way, a mail-man asked me to give you this 
	while I was out there. 

Bippo hands over a letter.

				HILTER
	I don't believe it. Why now off all times? It's a final 
	notice for my income tax. 
			[leans head back] 
	GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

INT - In the inner most ring of Hell, GARY GLITTER now in a red glitter
suit puts on a show for the Hell Spawn.

				GARY GLITTER
	If you wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang, If you 
	wanna be in my gang, OH YEAH! 
			[flames spurt out from various orifices] 
	I'm the leader, I'm the leader, I'm the leader of the gang 
	I am.

INSERT SHOT - Satan sits on his throne, narrows his eyes to slits, grins
evily and snaps his fingers. GARY GLITTER grabs his throat, gasping for
air and suddenly explodes in a graphic display of blood and guts that go
everywhere. The Hell Spawn crowd goes mad.

				SATAN
			[smiling] 
	Sometimes it's nice to be the boss. Laugh with me hellspawn,
	laugh. After all, your in MY gang.

THE END

ROLL CREDITS