THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 1.19: "The Bird is the Word"
Written by Jason Donner
INT. MISTER HILTER'S APARTMENT
MISTER HILTER enters, dusts off his prized stuffed and mounted Creature from
the Black Lagoon Trophy, and goes over to his prized parrot, SOCRATES.
HILTER
Good evening, Socrates.
SOCRATES
Rah... Socrates!
Mister Hilter takes a pair of airplane tickets out of his jacket pocket and
looks at them. He then looks at Socrates.
HILTER
Well, Socrates, do you know what these are?
SOCRATES
Rah... Socrates!
HILTER
These, my fine feathered friend, are airplane tickets. Do you
want to know where they go?
SOCRATES
Rah... Socrates!
HILTER
Branson, Missouri! The place I've dreamed of going ever since I
was there last time. I got 'em off of Priceline.com where you
can name your own price for airline tickets.
He looks at the camera and smiles.
HILTER
Remember, that's Priceline.com!
There is the sound of a cash register ringing. Hilter looks back at
Socrates.
HILTER
Only problem is that the tickets are only good for a flight out
tonight and I haven't got a parrot-sitter for you yet. I have
to find someone, and quick. But who? Who could I trust to take
care of my wittle baby?
[he tickles the parrot under it's chin]
It'll have to be someone responsible and caring...
Socrates bites him.
HILTER
OW! YOU SON OF A BITCH!
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Liam has greeted Mister Hilter in the doorway. Hilter hands Socrates' cage
over to him.
LIAM
Wow, I'm honored that you'd trust me enough to take care of your
bird, Mister Hitler. I know how much me means to you.
HILTER
It's Hilter, Liam...
Hilter holds up a finger with a bloody bandage covering it.
HILTER
...and Socrates is being punished.
LIAM
Punished? How?
HILTER
BY letting you take care of him. You'll figure it out.
Mister Hilter leaves. Liam shuts the door and puts Socrates' cage on the
couch.
LIAM
Well, Socrates, what do you feel like watching on TV?
SOCRATES
Rah... Socrates!
LIAM
Cool! You can talk! Say Liam... Liam! C'mon, say Liam!
SOCRATES
Rah... Socrates! Socrates!
LIAM
Liam! Liam!
SOCRATES
Socrates!
LIAM
Say Liam. Come on, you can do it! Say Liam!
SOCRATES
Socrates!
LIAM
Aw... that's the only word you can say, isn't it?
SOCRATES
Socrates!
LIAM
That's what I thought. Oh well... so you're not the best
conversationalist in the whole world. You're just a bird
anyway. I guess that's where they get the term, "bird brain"
from. Well, let's see what's on TV!
Liam turns on the TV and searches for a good program.
TV
Coming up next, it's FOX's brand new gameshow, Do You Want to
Be a Millionaire? Remember, it's Do You want to be a
Millionaire?, not Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and
we're willing to go to court to back that up!
Liam changes the channel. The phone rings. Liam answers.
LIAM
Hello?
[a pause]
Bippo? What's wrong?
[a pause]
You did what!?
[a pause]
Aw, Bippo!
[a pause]
And bail is how much?
[a pause]
I don't have that kind of money!
[a pause]
Buried where?
[a pause]
Okay... four paces north of the big tree in the courtyard...
[a pause]
...and ignore the rotting flesh smell... got it.
Liam hangs up and exits. Leaving Socrates sitting on the couch.
TV
Coming up next on HBO: New Jack City followed by Pulp
Fiction and then South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut!
New Jack City begins to play as Socrates watches.
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG
(sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons")
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Show!
It don't air on the TV!
Just right here on the net!
No networks would touch this thing,
and that is a real sure bet!
Don't you go and get depressed!
An internet show's more fun!
A lot of what you see is up to you,
Just use your imagination!
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow!
OLÉ!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
Ed Asner
as
"Mister Hilter"
GUEST STARRING
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
and
Betty White
as
"Old Lady Winchester"
SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY
Mario Lopez
as
"Slater"
and
Mark Paul Gossler
as
"Zach"
AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR
Marlon Brando
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - A FEW HOURS LATER
Socrates is on the couch watching the last few minutes of South Park:
Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
TV
Mouuuuuuuuuuu-taaaaaaaaaaaain.... towwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn!
SOCRATES
Rah... Socrates!
Liam and Bippo enter.
LIAM
That took FOREVER! Bippo, what did you think you were doing!?
BIPPO
Look, I had no idea it was against the law to start a fire on
cold nights.
LIAM
You're supposed to start fires in FIREPLACES and traditionally,
you should do it in your OWN HOUSE! Bippo, this Hannibal
Lecter/Devil-May-Care attitude of yours will come around and get
you one of these days! You just watch!
BIPPO
[points to Socrates]
What with the squab?
LIAM
Oh, that's Mister Hilter's prized parrot, Socrates.
BIPPO
Can he talk?
LIAM
Just a little.
SOCRATES
Fu-[BLEEP!]-k you you stupid mother fu-[BLEEP!]-king [BLEEP!]-hole!
BIPPO
Hey! This bird ROCKS!
LIAM
Holy Moses! He wasn't talking like that when I left!
SOCRATES
Suck my [BLEEP!]-ck, bi-[BLEEP!].
BIPPO
Cool! Say Bippo! Bippo! C'mon, say Bippo!
SOCRATES
Rah... Kiss my ass, bee-otch!
BIPPO
Mister Hilter's bird is excellent!
LIAM
I don't understand how this could have happened! I mean, when I
left the bird was rated "G" and now he's a solid "R" moving
towards an "NC-17"! How did this happen!
TV
You're watching HBO!
LIAM & BIPPO
Oh...
SOCRATES
Quit being such a pu-[BLEEP!]-sy! I'm gonna jack you up!
Liam plops on the couching looking at Socrates.
LIAM
Okay... I read once that birds have a limited memory. All we
have to do is teach the bird to say something else and he'll
forget all those horrible swear words!
BIPPO
Right... what are we going to teach him?
LIAM
How about "Polly want a cracker?"
BIPPO
Can you say that, Socrates? Polly want a cracker?
SOCRATES
Fu-[BLEEP!]-k dat! Kill all the crackers!
LIAM
This could take a while.
BIPPO
Wait! I've got an idea!
FADE TO
LIAM'S APARTMENT - A FEW HOURS LATER
Socrates is sitting on the kitchen table. Bippo has brought down a tape
recorder and has set it next to the bird. Bippo and Liam look on.
BIPPO
...so you see, the phrase, "Polly want a cracker" is repeated
over and over again on this tape. Now, theoretically, if we
play this for Socrates... he'll learn that phrase and forget all
that filthy language he learned from cable TV.
LIAM
But Bippo, you have to realize that a little filthy language is
a small price to pay for hours and hours of entertainment and
fun you get from cable.
Bippo looks at the camera.
BIPPO
Yes, cable... are you missing out?
The sound of a cash register can be heard.
BIPPO
But I digress... let's start the tape.
Bippo presses the PLAY button.
TAPE
Kill... Kill them all... You must KILL them all! Kill... Kill
them all... You must KILL them--
Bippo presses STOP.
BIPPO
Oops. Sorry, wrong side.
Bippo flips the tape over and presses PLAY.
TAPE
Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker? Polly want a
cracker? Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker? Polly want
a cracker? Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker? Polly
want a cracker? Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker?
Polly want a cracker?
LIAM
How long does this thing have to play?
BIPPO
I dunno. I guess until he starts saying "Polly want a cracker".
LIAM
How long will that take?
BIPPO
I don't know! What do I look like? Dudley Doright?
LIAM
You mean Doctor Dolittle?
BIPPO
Who's that?
FADE OUT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- The WB!: The Teen Agnst Channel!
- Olestra: The fat-free fat! You'll fart for joy!
- Got Milk?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - SIX HOURS LATER
As before, Liam and Bippo are sitting at the table where Socrates sits
listening to the tape.
TAPE
Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker? Polly want a
cracker? Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker? Polly want
a cracker? Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker? Polly
want a cracker? Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker?
Polly want a cracker?
LIAM
I CAN'T TAKE THAT ANYMORE!
BIPPO
Just give it a while longer. I'm sure that dirty bird will
start saying Polly Want a Cracker soon!
The tape continues playing. The doorbell rings and Liam answers it revealing
THAD COFFEY at the door looking quite anxious.
THAD
Liam, I need to borrow a roll of toilet paper. I ate some
Olestra potato chips... it's an emergency... don't ask
questions.
LIAM
Sure, Polly, I think I've got some extra cracker paper.
THAD
What did you say?
LIAM
I said I think I've got some extra toilet paper, Thad.
THAD
Oh, I thought you said... Forget it. Look, can you just get it?
LIAM
I'll be back in a cracker.
Liam goes to get Thad the toilet paper. Thad enters and approaches Bippo.
THAD
Is Liam all right?
BIPPO
Polly's fine, Thad. Don't cracker about it.
THAD
Huh!?
Liam enters with a box of crackers.
LIAM
Here you go. My last box of crackers.
THAD
I didn't say crackers! I said toilet paper!
LIAM
Sorry, Polly.
THAD
THAD!
LIAM
Huh?
THAD
You called me Polly!
BIPPO
But why would he call you Polly, Cracker?
THAD
And YOU just called me Cracker!
LIAM
It must be that tape.... it's messing with our minds.
THAD
Look, I'd ask about the cracker... I mean, TAPE... but I've got
a potty emergency! DO YOU HAVE ANY TOILET PAPER!
LIAM
Let me check in the polly... I'm sure there's some crackers in
there.
THAD
GAH!!! THIS'LL HAVE TO DO!!!
Thad grabs the box of crackers and runs out the door.
LIAM
That was odd.
[a beat]
Look, Bippo, turn that tape off. It's giving me a headache!
Bippo switches the tape off.
LIAM
[to Socrates]
Okay, Socrates... say Polly Want a Cracker! C'mon, say it!
SOCRATES
You better steppin' off you f-[BLEEP!]-ck-faced, [BLEEP!]-ss-
licking, di-[BLEEP!]-k-sucking, sh-[BLEEP!]-head 'fore I pop a
cap in yo' ass!
LIAM
I don't believe it! After all that, the damn bird just keeps
swearing!
BIPPO
Now, Liam... calm down.
LIAM
Don't you tell me to calm down! You know what? This is all
Mister Hilter's fault! He dumped this bird on me with no
warning and said that it was a punishment! How dare he!? How
dare he think that he can just drop anything on me at the drop
of a hat and expect me to do whatever he wants without a
complaint!?
BIPPO
Liam, calm down before you say something you're gonna regret!
LIAM
You know what, Bippo? I HATE MISTER HILTER!!!
SOCRATES
Rah... I hate Mister Hilter!
BIPPO
You didn't have to say it twice!
LIAM
Say what twice?
BIPPO
That you hate Mister Hilter!
SOCRATES
I hate Mister Hilter.
BIPPO
Like that!
LIAM
Bippo, that wasn't me... it was Socrates!
SOCRATES
Rah... I hate Mister Hilter!
BIPPO
You mean, we did it? He's not swearing anymore?
LIAM
No...
SOCRATES
I hate Mister Hilter!
LIAM
But... he is saying something worse!
SOCRATES
Rah... I hate Mister Hilter!
BIPPO
Are we screwed, Liam?
LIAM
Bippo, we are screwed more than a White House intern!
SOCRATES
Rah... I hate Mister Hilter!
LIAM
No... No! We LOVE Mister Hilter! We LOVE him!
SOCRATES
I hate Mister Hilter!
LIAM
[to Bippo]
GREAT! Once Mister Hilter get's home and hears Socrates saying
that... he'll evict me right after shoving his foot half-way up
my ass! What do we do now?
BIPPO
You know old Lady Winchester from downstairs?
LIAM
Not a whole lot.
BIPPO
Well, she runs Pretty Pricey Pets, the pet store down the road.
She sells a lot of birds and stuff.... maybe SHE'LL know how to
deprogram Socrates vocabulary.
LIAM
It's worth a shot! But what if we can't get Socrates to stop
saying he hates Mister Hilter?
BIPPO
Then we'll have to kill him.
LIAM
We can't kill Mister Hilter's parrot!
BIPPO
Forget the parrot... I was talking about Mister Hilter!
PRETTY PRICEY PET SHOP - THE NEXT DAY
OLD LADY DORIS WINCHESTER is at the counter when Liam and Bippo walk in carry
Socrates in a cage.
DORIS
Hey, boys... what can I do you for?
LIAM
Mrs. Winchester, I've got a problem.
DORIS
Please... Winchester is my ex-husband's name and I hate the old
bastard. Call me Doris. Now, who are you and what's your
problem?
LIAM
I'm Liam Smith and I live in the apartment below yours.
DORIS
Oh, so YOU'RE the one who was playing those movies by that
harlot, Kari Wuhrer, so loud!
Liam leaps over the counter and grabs Doris by the collar.
LIAM
DON'T YOU EVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT KARI AGAIN, DO YOU
UNDERSTAND!? KARI IS WONDERFUL! SHE'S ENCHANTING! SHE'S
BEAUTIFUL!
Doris grabs Liam by the arm and Judo flips him into the hedgehog bin. Liam
screams and jumps out covered head to toe in quills. He bumps into a tank of
piranha which falls over and spills out the door.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
The water and piranha spill out of the pet shop and into a storm drain.
INT. THE STORM DRAIN
The piranha fall into the Las Vegas sewer system and swim out of sight.
INT. THE PET SHOP
Bippo pulls a quill out of Liam's butt.
BIPPO
That was AWESOME! Can you do it again?
Doris sneaks up behind Liam with a folding chair.
DORIS
COME INTO MY STORE AND ATTACK ME, WILL YOU!
Liam curls up in a fetal position.
LIAM
Not in the face! Not in the face!
DORIS
Bippo, who is this idiot?
BIPPO
This is Liam Smith, you know... the guy I told you about?
DORIS
Oh, the guy with the parrot?
BIPPO
That's the one.
DORIS
Oh...
Doris helps Liam up and pulls a quill out of his forehead.
DORIS
Sorry about that, but you DID attack me.
LIAM
...but you said bad things about Kari!
DORIS
Sorry, honey, I didn't know you were one of her fans.
LIAM
I'm more than one of her fans... so much more.
DORIS
So, where's the parrot?
Bippo puts Socrates on the counter.
DORIS
One thing you have to know about parrots is that they are rabid
imitators, not only of people, but of other parrots...
ESPECIALLY other parrots. It's a good thing you but a rubber
band around his beak, otherwise anything he happens to say could
be picked up by the hundreds of other birds in here.
LIAM
Rubber band?
BIPPO
What rubber band?
SOCRATES
I hate Mister Hilter!
The other birds in the store suddenly go crazy repeating "I hate Mister
Hilter" over and over again.
DORIS
Oh, CRAP!!!
BIPPO
This is not my fault.
LIAM
Sorry! No one said anything about putting a rubber band over
his beak!
BIPPO
I just want to make it perfectly clear that this is not my
fault!
DORIS
GET OUT!!! BOTH OF YOU, GET OUT!!!
LIAM
Nyaa!
Liam grabs Socrates and he and Liam runs out of the store leaving Doris alone
in a store filled with a hundred birds repeating "I hate Mister Hilter" over
and over again.
INT. THE LAS VEGAS SEWER
The school of Piranha swim by looking for something to devour. They swim
into a pipe.
INT. A HOTEL BATHROOM
a five-thousand pound MARLON BRANDO, still in Las Vegas from a previous
episode, waddles into the bathroom.
THE TOILET
The piranha appear and swarm around.
THE BATHROOM
Marlon Brando doesn't see what's in the toilet as he gets ready to use it.
BRANDO
Oh... I shouldn't have eaten all those tacos and enchiladas...
and the twenty bowls of refried beans mixed with Tabasco... and
that little taco bell dog.
Marlon Brando loosens his oversized pants.
THE TOILET
The piranha are swimming madly. A dark shadow overtakes them. They all look
up and scream before swimming frantically back into the sewer.
LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam and Bippo enter with Socrates.
SOCRATES
Rah... I hate Mister Hilter!
LIAM
Oh, SHUT UP!!!
BIPPO
Well, it looks like we're out of options. I say we have a squab
barbecue!
Bippo reaches for Socrates but Liam pulls him out of the way.
LIAM
For the last time, Bippo... I am not going to let you eat this
parrot! There's got to be a way... SOME way to get this bird to
stop saying that he hates Mister Hilter.
BIPPO
I'm sure there is, Liam... but can we take that chance?
LIAM
What do you mean?
BIPPO
I don't know... But I do know this: Mister Hilter will be back
in a few more minutes and when he gets here, it's adios,
sayonara, and good-bye-bye to you! Where are you going to live
after you get kicked out?
LIAM
I don't know... maybe I can find a low-rent apartment somewhere
else in Las Vegas. Maybe on the strip... or downtown...
Liam starts to cry.
BIPPO
There... There...
LIAM
I know you're just trying to help, Bippo.
BIPPO
No, Mister Hilter's plane is coming in... There! There!
Liam looks out the window and sees a plan landing at the airport in the
distance.
LIAM
Gah! What am I going to do!?
BIPPO
I don't know, but Mister Hilter's gonna be pretty sore when he
gets back.
[a beat]
Well, g'bye!
Bippo runs out the door.
INT. THE SEWER
The school of piranha swims by looking for a kill.
FADE OUT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Britta makes water betta.
- That's a spicy meatball-ah!
- I can't believe I ate the whole thing!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. PRETTY PRICEY PET STORE
Doris is sitting at the counter covering her ears as hundreds of birds
screech out "I Hate Mister Hilter" over and over again. Finally, Doris jumps
to her feet.
DORIS
I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!!!
Doris storms out the front door.
EXT. A DARK ALLEY
Doris walks through on her way home muttering to herself. Suddenly, two
masked thugs jump out of the shadows.
DORIS
What the...!?
THUG #1
Give us all your dead presidents, bitch!
DORIS
Huh?
THUG #2
Give us all your money!
DORIS
Oh. But I don't have any money on me right now.
THUG #1
She doesn't appear to have any currency on her.
THUG #2
So, what are we supposed to do now?
THUG #1
I don't know... I'm only doing this robbery thing to pay off my
student loan that put me through Harvard!
The thugs take off their masks to reveal that they are, in fact, ZACH and
SLATER from the nauseating Saved by the Bell series.
ZACH
This is all your fault, Slater!
SLATER
MY fault? This was your idea, preppy!
DORIS
Excuse me, are you two from that retarded Saturday morning
tennie-bopper series that just wouldn't die?
SLATER & ZACH
That's us, Lady!
SLATER
Oh, no! WAIT! I think I... no... no... Wait... YES! I've got
an idea!
ZACH
What is it?
SLATER
She says that she don't have any money on her now, but what
about at home?
ZACH
Our home?
SLATER
No, HER home!
ZACH
That's a good idea, Slater!
Zach pulls a gun on Doris.
ZACH
All right, lady... MARCH!
Zach and Slater lead Doris down the alley.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is at the table with Socrates.
LIAM
Come on, Socrates... Say "Polly want a cracker!"
SOCRATES
I HATE MISTER HILTER!
Liam whimpers and buries his head in his hands. There is the sound of a door
opening and the sound of Zach, Slater, and Doris's voice filters into Liam's
home.
SLATER'S VOICE
Get moving, lady!
DORIS'S VOICE
All right, all right! Just don't shoot me!
LIAM
Shoot?
ZACH'S VOICE
Yeah, lady! If you don't give us all your money, we'll blow
your head off!
LIAM
Uh-oh! Doris is getting robbed at gunpoint! Thank God for this
fire-trap apartment and it's paper-thin walls! I'M COMING TO
SAVE YOU, DORIS!!!
Liam runs out the front door. Socrates looks on.
SOCRATES
I fu-[BLEEP]-king hate Mister Hilter!
INT. DORIS'S APARTMENT
Zach and Slater are pointing their guns at Doris.
ZACH
What do you mean you don't have any money here!?
DORIS
I'm broke, okay!?
SLATER
This is terrible. Now we're going to have to kill you... you
know, to teach you a lesson!
They get ready to shoot when Liam busts through the door.
LIAM
I'm here to save you, Doris!
Zach and Slater point their guns at Liam.
LIAM
Mental note: From now on when charging into a situation
involving guns, plan ahead!
ZACH
Say bye-bye, Mister whoever-the-hell-you-are!
Doris runs over and grabs the sprayer from the sink.
DORIS
So long, preppy!
Doris squirts Zach with the sprayer covering him with water... and the school
of piranha!!! Zach screams as the fish consume his flesh, leaving him
nothing more than a pile of bones.
SLATER
ZACH! Oh my god, he's dead! And I never told him that I loved
him!
Slater looks at Liam and Doris.
SLATER
You are both... DEAD MEAT!!!
DORIS
Thanks for coming to save me, Liam. I guess I was all wrong
about you.
LIAM
Well, I'm sorry you're going to die anyway.
DORIS
Good-bye, Liam.
LIAM
Good-bye, Old Lady Winchester.
As Slater prepares to fire, Socrates flies in the door and dives for Slater's
face.
SLATER
What the...!?
Socrates takes out one of Slater's eyes. Slater screams and stumbles
backwards into the bathroom and falls onto the toilet where more piranha are
swarming.
SLATER
What the hell's biting me!? Screech, is that you!?
AHHHHHHHH!!!!
Slater is pulled into the toilet bowl as the piranhas go into a fierce
feeding frenzy. Soon, the only thing left of Slater is a pair of legs poking
straight out of the can. Socrates lands on Liam's shoulder.
LIAM
Wow... I would have never expected that!
SOCRATES
I HATE Mister Hilter!
LIAM
We all do, Socrates... We all do.
FADE OUT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Wherever there is evil to be conquered... wherever the good cry for
justice... wherever there is a buck to be made... that's where you'll find
him. CAPEMAN: THE MOVIE - Coming Summer 2000!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. THE HALLWAY
Liam and Doris are walking back to Liam's Apartment with Socrates, laughing.
LIAM
...and did you see the look on his face when the fish ate his
butt?
Liam and Doris laugh and come face to face with MISTER HILTER.
HILTER
Ah, Liam... there you are.
LIAM
[short high-pitched scream] Mister Hilter!? What in the holy
blue heck are you doing here!?
HILTER
Oh, I just got back from Branson and thought I'd come and get
Socrates. Nice to see you didn't accidentally kill him or
anything.
LIAM
Y-Yeah...
HILTER
So, Socrates... do you have anything to say to your daddy?
The scene slows down to slow motion as suspenseful music begins to play.
ON SOCRATES
Socrates looks at Mister Hilter and begins to open his beak.
LIAM
Liam looks at Socrates and then at Hilter. Sweat begins to drip down his
face.
HILTER
Looks at Socrates and smiles.
SOCRATES
His beak is still opening as he gets ready to speak.
INT. THE HALLWAY
SOCRATES
Polly want a cracker!
HILTER
He said something other than his name! My god, Liam! You
taught him how to talk!
LIAM
Y-Yeah.. heh-heh. Well, gotta go... buh-bye, now!
Liam runs into his apartment and slams the door. The sound of a dozen locks
being locked are heard.
HILTER
That was odd.
DORIS
I think he's a sweet boy.
Mister Hilter looks at Socrates and then seems a little mad.
DORIS
What's wrong, Mister Hitler?
HILTER
Oh... it's just that I've spent the last five years trying to
teach this bird to say something other than his name and then
that idiot, Liam, gets him for a couple of days and teaches him
how to say a complete sentence! Oooo... that just steams me up!
You know what, Doris? Right now... I HATE LIAM SMITH!!!
Socrates looks up at Hilter, then to the camera. The bird winks.
FADE TO
EXT. PRETTY PRICEY PET SHOP - THE NEXT DAY
Mister Hilter walks by the store.
BIRD
Rah... I HATE MISTER HILTER!
Mister Hilter stops and looks at the bird.
HILTER
Naw...
Mister Hilter walks off down the street.
FADE OUT
ROLL CREDITS