THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 1.20: "Death is a Lady From VH-1"
Written by Jesse Glaspey
INT. A DARK AND SINISTER UNDERGROUND LAIR
The mysterious TRIBUNAL OF EVIL is conferring around an altar hatching a
nefarious scheme...
Tribunal 1
Our world domination plans are near completion!
Tribunal 2
The time is coming near!
Tribunal 3
The blood will flow through the streets!
Tribunal 4
The cries will rain through the air!
Tribunal 5
The donuts will have extra sprinkles!
Everyone stares at Tribunal 5.
Tribunal 1
We shall need a sacrifice!
Tribunal 2
We shall need a patsy!
Tribunal 3
But who will it be?
Tribunal 4
Someone unsuspecting... hapless...
Tribunal 5
Completely oblivious to reality...
All Tribunals
HE HAS BEEN CHOSEN!
A picture of Regis Philbin is shown.
Tribunal 1
Okay, this could be tricky.
Tribunal 2
Yeah. He's got big bodyguards I heard.
Tribunal 3
Personally, I like Regis.
Tribunal 4
Me too. He's funny.
Tribunal 5
Okay, second choice?
All the Tribunal's nod in agreement.
All Tribunals
HE HAS BEEN CHOSEN!
A picture of LIAM SMITH is shown.
Tribunal 1
And how will he be sacrificed?
Tribunal 2
The wave of penguins!
Tribunal 4
Force him to watch the FOX network!
Tribunal 5
The Lilith Swarm!
All the Tribunal's gasp in shock.
Tribunal 1
Not that!!!
Tribunal 2
It's cruel!
Tribunal 3
It's unusual!
Tribunal 4
It's... acceptable.
Tribunal 5
By this time tomorrow... Liam Smith will DIE!!!
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Theme song is sung to the theme from "The Monkees")
Here it comes,
Downloaded on the net,
An internet sitcom,
The weirdest guy you've ever met!
Chorus:
It's a show about Liam!
A guy with nothing to say!
Wrote a story about Donner!
And now he's gonna pay!
So Donner created this show,
Got a guy named Jesse,
Who has a really huge ego,
He wrote this episode you see!
Chorus:
It's a show about Liam!
A guy with nothing to say!
Wrote a story about Donner!
And now he's gonna pay!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
Ed Asner
as
"Mister Hilter"
GUEST STARRING
Mike Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY
Mick Foley
as
"Moses"
Chyna
as
"Mother Teresa"
Dave Foley
Scott Thompson
Kevin MacDonald
Bruce McCullough
and
Mark McKinney
as
"The Tribunal of Evil"
ALSO STARRING
Sarah MacLachlan Jewel Alanis Morissette
Melissa Etheridge The Dixie Chicks Natalie Merchant
Paula Cole Fiona Apple Natalie Imbruglia
The Indigo Girls Mariah Carey Celine Dion
Shania Twain Whitney Huston Brandy
Diana Ross and Jenna Janeson
AND SPECIAL GUEST STARS
Jason Lee
as
"Jesse Glaspey"
and
Drew Carey
as
"Jonathan Krueger"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
EXT. LAS VEGAS MOVIE THEATER
Liam, Thad, and Donner getting kicked out.
Thad
Well, thanks Liam! I can't believe we just got kicked
out of Mission to Mars!
Donner
You HAD to yell out "That's for Howard the Duck!" during
Tim Robbin's death scene!
Liam
Sorry! I felt it must be said!
Donner
But did you have to say it while standing and throwing
popcorn?
Liam
Sorry! Sorry! Can we let it go?
Thad
We could... but we won't.
Donner
Only you could do that. Who else would be idiotic enough
to do something like that?
One person, JESSE GLASPEY, is thrown violently out of the theater while
another, JOHNATHAN KRUGER, walks out.
Jesse
(While getting up)
OH YEAH? WELL, UP YOURS PAL! I USED TO WORK AT A MOVIE
THEATER! SO I KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY PUT ON THE POPCORN!!!
Donner and Thad throw away their bags of popcorn immediately. Liam
continues eating, oblivious to the comment.
Jonathan
You had to yell out "Death is the only escape from Susan
Sarandon".
Jesse
Hell, you were the one making all the Sliders jokes at
Jerry O'Connell! Let's just get back to the hotel so I
can write the review and Email it.
Donner
You're a movie critic?
Jesse
Yeah.
Donner
AND you worked at a movie theater?
Jesse
Yup.
Donner
Your name isn't Jesse Glaspey by any chance, is it?
Jesse
How did you know? You're not a repo man, are you?
Donner
No. I'm Donner. Wealthy man about town here in Vegas
and creator of The Slighty Warped Website! We correspond
regularly over e-mail! What are you doing here in Vegas?
Jesse
I wanted to see if Vegas was like it was in that movie.
Thad
Bugsy?
Donner
Casino?
Liam
Vegas Vacation?
Jonathan
No. Showgirls.
Jesse
That movie lied! None of the chicks here look like Gina
Gershon!
Jonathan
One did.
Jesse
Yeah, but that one turned out to be a guy!
Donner
So you're here on vacation?
Jesse
Yup. I'm NOT promoting The Jesse Glaspey Show!
Jonathan
Absolutely not. Far from it.
Fireworks go off spelling "The Jesse Glaspey Show" in the air while
a marching band walks by with a banner reading "Coming Soon"
Donner
Done yet?
Jesse
Wait.
A monkey on a tricycle pedals by dragging a sign saying "Only on FOX"
Jesse
Okay. Done.
INT. THE TRIBUNAL OF EVIL'S LIAR
Tribunal 1
The plan is in motion!
Tribunal 2
The trap is set!
Tribunal 3
The Lilith swarm is ready!
Tribunal 4
Once he opens the CD case, the Lilith swarm will be let
loose upon him!
Tribunal 5
Wait, my brothers! What if he doesn't like the CD?
All the Tribunals are quiet.
Tribunal 1
But he must like the CD!
Tribunal 2
What CD is it?
Tribunal 3
Sarah Maclachlan's "Mirrorball"!
Tribunal 4
I'm not fond of her work. I like Anne Murray.
Tribunal 5
I prefer Bob Seger, myself.
Tribunal 4
Maybe we should have used Madonna.
Tribunal 3
Hey, did you hear the rumor about her and Dennis Rodman?
Tribunal 2
I heard that one, did you hear the one about her feud
with Jennifer Lopez?
Tribunal 1
SILENCE! Liam Smith will open the CD and the swarm will
be released!
All the Tribunals are quiet, then start gossiping
----------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- A petstore.com commercial with that damn sock-puppet.
- Mikey still likes it. Pretty pathetic, huh?
- George Takei in "Blow'd Up"! Damn, he's cool!
----------------------------------------------------------
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam and the gang return where they're intercepted by MISTER HILTER.
Mr. Hilter
Liam! A delivery came for you while you were gone.
Liam
Thanks Mr. Hilter. Meet our new friends, Jesse Glaspey
and Jonathan Krueger. They're on vacation here in Vegas.
Mr. Hilter
Shameless promotion, huh?
Jesse & Jonathan
Yup.
Liam opens the package and pulls out a CD.
Liam
A Sarah MacLachlan CD. Wow! She's intelligent, soulful,
deep and meaningful!
Donner
So what the hell are you doing listening to her?
Liam
I guess I'll open it...
Liam opens the CD, a blinding flash fills the room. When the light
fades, SARAH MacLACHLAN is standing in the room.
Liam
Hey! Cool!
Sarah
Are you Liam Smith?
Liam
Yes!
Sarah
Then... DIE!!!
Sarah spits a fireball at Liam. He ducks out of the way, behind a couch.
The gang follows.
Jesse
Looks like Sarah's been taking lessons from Gene Simmons!
Liam
Ahhh! Sarah MacLachlan wants me dead!
Donner
You mean in addition to your boss, her employers, Satan,
your hamster, the executives at the FOX network...
Liam
I get it! I get it!
Mr. Hilter
Run for the door!
The group runs for the door, Jesse opens it and is greeted by JEWEL.
Jewel
DIE!
Jewel bashes a guitar over Jesse's head.
Jonathan
(Helping Jesse up)
Told you you shouldn't have sent her that picture of her
at the Grammy's.
ALANIS MORISSETTE crashes through a wall.
Alanis
Liam Smith must die, eh!
Donner
Now how do we get out?
Jonathan
The window!
Liam
But it's locked shut!
The group looks at Liam.
EXT. THE WINDOW
We then see Liam thrown through the window. The group climbs out and
starts rushing down the fire escape ladder. They then see down on the
street, MELISSA ETHERIDGE emerging from a sewer!
Melissa
DIE!
Melissa starts throwing little beakers at the escape ladder.
Thad
Incoming!!!
The beakers explode and start to eat away at the ladder, melting the
bolts and sending the ladder and the group crashing to the ground.
Liam
What's in those beakers? Acid?
Jesse
Worse. It's David Crosby.... goop.
Everyone
Gross!
Liam
We need help!
Mr. Hilter
We need Capeman!
Jesse
Who?
Mr. Hilter
Las Vegas' own superhero!
Jesse
Oh. Well until he gets here, I'm going to call the cops!
Come on, Jonathan!
Jesse and Jonathan run off.
Liam
Dear God! How are we going to stop them?
Mr. Hilter
What do you mean "we", dead boy?
Just then, the DIXIE CHICKS swoop by. Liam and the gang jump out of the
way in time.
Liam
Capeman! Where are you?
NATALIE MERCHANT starts charging towards them when CAPEMAN flies down
and punches Natalie into oblivion.
Capeman
Take that, foul tigerlily!!! Sorry I'm late, I was doing
a guest appearance on "Roswell".
Liam
Capeman! All these female musicians want me dead!
Capeman
Uh-huh, you know the drill.
Liam hands Capeman his credit card which he swipes and hands back to him
with a receipt.
Capeman
CAAAAAAAPEMAAAAAAN!!!
Capeman is about to attack PAULA COLE when she lifts her arms. Capeman
is then snared when her massive armpit hair shoots outward and entangles
him.
Paula
I don't wanna wait.... for your life to be over....
Capeman
Argh! Crappy folk singer.... pulling me toward.... final
fate....Someone get this on film! I could get a posthumous
Oscar!
Capeman is being pulled in when the hairs are cut by a laser blast.
Paula Cole shrieks in terror and is then vaporized by another laser
blast. Two figures then land in front of Capeman, Liam, Mr. Hilter,
Thand and Donner.
Capeman
Thank you! Who are you two?
Person 1
I am.... THE COSMIC WEASEL!
Person 2
And I am.... DR. WHAM!
Everyone
Who?
Cosmic Weasel
I am the man of aluminum! The sentinel of the sideways!
The scratch on evil's brand new CD!
Dr. Wham
And I am the jaded giant! The man without beer! The foot
in evil's groin!
Liam
But who are you? Where did you come from?
Donner
Here we go again...
Cosmic Weasel
Ah, well thereby hangs a tale....
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
INT. A COLLEGE CLASSROOM/LABORATORY
Cosmic Weasel (VO)
I was an honor student in a top college...
We see the handsome young man is asleep in a science class... But then
again, so is the teacher and the rest of the students.
Cosmic Weasel (VO)
And somehow, a weasel snuck into the class nuclear reactor
and was irradiated with nuclear isotopes... then... it bit me!
We see the weasel bites the handsome young man on the ass.
Handsome young man
OW! SH-[BLEEP!]-T!
Cosmic Weasel (VO)
And from that bite, I gained super-powers and learned that
with great power comes great responsibility!
We see the handsome young man fall back to sleep.
Dr. Wham (VO)
Mine was a different story. I was on the computer doing
important research...
Camera pans over to a young guy looking at nudie pictures on the
internet.
Dr. Wham (VO)
When I discovered a hidden website that had six names
written on it...
We see the names Shannen Doherty, Jeri Ryan, Kari Wuhrer, Jennifer Love
Hewitt, Gillian Anderson, Alyssa Milano written on the screen
Dr. Wham (VO)
The website then said to take the first letter of their
last names and say it aloud. I would then be bestowed
with the powers and knowledge of an almighty and ancient
cosmetic surgeon.
Young guy
D-R--W-H-A-M?
We see a lightning bolt shoot out of the screen and hit the young guy.
He then stands up transformed, as Dr. Wham.
Dr. Wham (VO)
And I could transform back to my human form and back into
Dr. Wham by saying a magic word...
Dr. Wham
NIPPLAGE!!!
Dr. Wham is then transformed back into the young guy.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
The flashback ends there as Capeman, Liam and the gang are staring
blankly at The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham.
Capeman
Enough of this! Superheroes from out of town, eh? I guess
this means we have to fight and then team up!
Cosmic Weasel
Or we can save it for the next time and make them anticipate
us fighting!
Dr. Wham
You get higher ratings like that.
Capeman
Hmmm. Yes. Good Idea! Well, then. What do we do now?
Liam
Save me from those psycho musician chicks!
Just then, FIONA APPLE, NATALIE IMBRUGLIA and the INDIGO GIRLS drop out
of the sky and start attacking the gang.
Fiona
LIAM!
Natalie
MUST!
Indigo Girls
DIE!!
Capeman
(Attacking Fiona Apple)
Die foul alternarocker!
Cosmic Weasel
(Attacking Natalie Imbruglia)
Cosmic Weasel AWAY!!!
Dr. Wham
(Attacking the Indigo Girls)
I have no idea who you are! But you're going down anyways!
Capeman, Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham start taking down Lilith chicks left
and right until they're surrounded by a horde of the foul beasts.
Capeman
Well, does anyone have a plan?
Cosmic Weasel
Plan?
Liam
(watching as Capeman and the other
two guys are surrounded)
What now? If they die, I'm screwed!
Mr. Hilter
Looks like they could use some more help. Some help from
above! Some holy help!
Mr. Hilter pulls out a bible and opens it up to reveal a big red button.
He presses it and a spotlight then shines into the sky with a big cross
logo.
Thad
You have GOT to be kidding!
The surrounding Liliths are advancing upon Capeman, Cosmic Weasel and
Dr. Wham
Capeman
Looks like I'm going to be reunited with Decoy in Heaven!
Cosmic Weasel
Which one?
All of a sudden, a massive white light shines down in front of them,
when the light fades two peaceful figures, MOTHER TERESA and MOSES, are
standing there.
Mother Teresa
Hello, my children.
Moses
Greetings.
Cosmic Weasel
All right, this is pretty f-[BLEEP!]-ked up, right here.
Mother Teresa
Please do not swear in my presence, my child.
Cosmic Weasel
Or what?
Mother Teresa
Or this will happen to you.
Mother Teresa smiles and folds her hands in prayer. Instantly, a bolt
of lightning strikes Melissa Etheridge. Then she DDT's Jewel onto the
cement.
Cosmic Weasel
Note to self: DO NOT SWEAR!
Moses
Now let's get these Lilith chicks!
Moses, Mother Teresa, Capeman, Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham start
destroying the Lilith swarm. Dr. Wham breaks one in half. Cosmic Weasel
is running around one at superspeed while punching it repeatedly.
Capeman is beating one up and taking it's wallet. Mother Teresa and
Moses are getting medival on some Lilith fair ass.
Donner
(Watching the brawl)
Wow. Mother Teresa is really whipping ass! SAINTHOOD
NOW!!! SAINTHOOD NOW!!!
Thad
Wow! Moses just did a somersault clothesline off the roof
of a car onto Alanis Morrisette!
Mr. Hilter
Ow! Mother Teresa just piledrived Sarah MacLachlan onto a
cinder block!
Liam, Hilter, Thad, & Donner
SAINTHOOD NOW!!! SAINTHOOD NOW!!! SAINTHOOD NOW!!
Little do they know that Courtney Love is sneaking up on Liam with a
kitchen knife...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Hollywood. They've remade some of the classic TV shows of all time. From
the Brady Bunch to The Fugitive to The Beverly Hillbillies....
That's why USA Pictures has decided to reamke one of the greatest TV
series of all time...
THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO: THE MOVIE!
Starring Ryan Phillipe as The Greatest American Hero!
Starring Jennifer Love Hewitt as the hero's girlfriend!
And Bill Pullman as that FBI buy who hangs out with the hero!
Written by Akiva Goldsman.
Directed by Joel Schumacher.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Courtney Love is sneaking up on Liam, hoping to kill him for her
masters. When all of a sudden she's sliced in half by a chainsaw! Liam
turns around to see...
Liam
Bippo! Hey! You just saved me!
Bippo
Huh?
Liam
You killed Courtney Love before she got me!
Bippo
I did?
Liam
Didn't you see the knife in her hand?
Bippo
Nope.
Liam
Then why did you... oh. Never mind.
Bippo
Hey! Is that Moses over there??? HEY MOSES!!! HOW'S IT
GOING, DUDE?
Moses
(While beating up a Dixie Chick)
Oh, it's going fine. How've you been?
Bippo
Same old, same old. Can I join in?
Moses
Sure!
Bippo joins in on the carnage.
Liam
Hey! Where's Jesse and Jonathan?
Mr. Hilter
I guess they're still calling the police.
Liam
Hmm....
Meanwhile, in the massive fight. Bippo is chainsawing away, Moses and
Mother Teresa are hitting people with steel folding chairs, Capeman is
mugging for the camera, and Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham are having a
beverage.
INT. THE LIAR OF THE TRIBUNAL OF EVIL
The Tribunal of Evil, they're watching the fight in a crystal ball.
Tribunal 1
Okay, this is starting to suck.
Tribunal 4
It looks like we underestimated the brilliance of Liam Smith.
Tribunal 5
Now is there anything we can do to counter these heroes?
Tribunal 4
I was just wondering why we have to watch this fight on a
crystal ball instead of a TV set.
Tribunal 5
Yeah, one of those HDTV's would be nice...
Tribunal 1
SILENCE! Now does anyone have any USEFUL suggestions?
Tribunal 2
How about we send all those ice skaters after them?
Tribunal 3
No. You see what they're doing to the Lilith swarm? They'd
mop the floor with the skaters!
Tribunal 4
How about The Atomic Divas?
Tribunal 5
The Atomic Divas? They're too unstable!
Tribunal 1
We shall take a vote! Atomic Divas or Ice Skaters! I vote
for the Divas!
Tribunal 2
Divas!
Tribunal 3
Divas!
Tribunal 4
Divas!
Tribunal 5
Ice Skaters!
Tribunal 1
The vote has decided! We are sending the Atomic Divas!!!
All the Tribunals start laughing. They then start bickering over buying
a new TV.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
The fight continues. Moses, Mother Teresa, Bippo, Capeman, Dr. Wham
and the Cosmic Weasel have just about finished killing all the Lilith
fair chicks.
Bippo
(Drenched in blood)
Now THAT was a f-[BLEEP!]-in' party!
Moses
Well, me and Mother Teresa's work here is done. We should
get going.
Capeman
Hey, Momma T. Are you going to be okay? I mean Jewel power-
bombed you onto a pile of broken glass!
Mother Teresa
I'll be okay. I've felt worse.
Moses
Well, see you later! Be good! HAVE A NICE DAY!
Capeman, Bippo,
Cosmic Weasel & Dr. Wham
Bye Moses! Bye Momma T!
Moses and Mother Teresa vanish in a flash of light. Liam, Donner, Thad
and Mr. Hilter stroll up to Capeman and the gang.
Liam
Thank you Capeman! You saved me! Again!
Capeman
Now now. If someone was willing to send tons of female
musicians to their doom to kill you, they won't stop there!
Suddenly, the ground starts to shake. The group looks down the street
and sees a group of people marching towards them with glowing green
eyes.
Liam
Hey! Look at that! Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Shania
Twain, Whitney Houston, Brandy and Diana Ross!
Atomic Divas
Kill...Liam...Liam...Must...Die!
Mr. Hilter
Oh my lord! The Atomic Divas!!! Don't let them touch you!
They can turn you to stone!
Donner
HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS???
Mr. Hilter
A time-life book series told me.
Capeman
Don't worry Liam! We'll handle this! Let's go!
Capeman, Bippo, Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham rush forward to do battle
with the Atomic Divas.
Capeman
That's it, Mariah! You're going down!
Mariah splits into two people: Normally slutty Mariah blue and super-
slutty Mariah red.
Mariah blue
Hsssss!!
Capeman
Okay, this was unexpected.
Mariah red
Hssssss!
The twin Mariah's overpower Capeman and turn him to stone. Meanwhile,
Cosmic Weasel is about to do battle with Shania Twain.
Cosmic Weasel
All right Shania! You may be hot, but I'm not above
stomping you into country dirt!
Shania Twain
All right, so you're the Cosmic Weasel. That don't impress
me much!
Shania tackles the Cosmic Weasel and turns him into stone. Meanwhile,
Dr. Wham is facing off against Whitney Houston.
Dr. Wham
Okay! So you got Cos and Capeman! Bring it on! I can beat
you!
Whitney
AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...
Dr. Wham is lifted off his feet by the impact of the sonic attack and
slams into Bippo, sending them both into Diana Ross' arms, who turns Dr.
Wham and Bippo into stone.
Liam
HOLY CRAP! They beat Capeman, Cosmic Weasel, Bippo and Dr.
Wham! What now?
The Atomic Divas march closer and closer to Liam and the gang!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- UPN: The network made to kill time.
- Blockbuster Video... WOW! What a difference!
- Why ask Why?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
The Atomic Divas are getting closer and closers till to Liam, Donner,
Thad and Mr. Hilter.
Donner
What the hell are we standing around here for? RUN!
The group bolts.
Donner
(While running)
So, Mr. Hilter! What did the book say about the Atomic Divas!
How can we beat them?
Mr. Hilter
(Running, flipping through book)
It says here: The opposite of a Diva is the only thing that
can destroy it and change the people back from stone to human!
Liam
What's the opposite of a Diva? Anybody know?
Mr. Hilter
Well, a Diva is respected, intelligent, not willing to
demean herself for money or fame, and is a role model for
millions of feminist women.
Liam
Okay so we need to figure out what's the opposite of that!
So we need to find a not so bright woman who isn't respected,
demeans herself for money and fame and is hated by feminists!
Anyone have an idea of what kind of woman that is?
Donner
A porno actress?
Thad
A stripper?
Mr. Hilter
Janet Reno?
Everyone stops dead in their tracks and stares at Mr. Hilter.
Mr. Hilter
What?
Liam
So where are we going to find enough porno chicks and
strippers to defeat the Atomic Divas!
Thad
Hmmm.... I've got it!!!
Donner
What?
Thad
Play along... SO! DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW CHARLIE SHEEN
AND ROB LOWE MOVIE???
Donner
WHY YES, I DID! THEY'RE CASTING THE LEAD ROLE RIGHT HERE!
Liam
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR A WOMAN AGES 18 TO 25 WHO WILL DO ANY-
THING FOR THE PART!
Mr. Hilter
PREFERABLY WITH "EXPERIENCE"!
A couple of seconds later, Liam and the gang are surrounded by a mass of
strippers/porno chicks.
Jenna Jameson
Hi! You called?
Liam
(Staring at Jenna's...
Um... loof bombs)
Um... uh... yeah...umm we uhhh.. hmmm...
Donner
We need you and the rest of these ladies to beat up those
Divas over there!
Jenna
Why?
Thad
It'll prove to Charlie and Rob that you're tough take-charge
women who are right for the "role"!
Jenna
Oh. Okay! (giggles)
Jenna Jameson and the porno chicks charge towards the Atomic Divas in an
almost Braveheart-ish scene.
Donner
Wow! Jenna just twisted Brandy's head off!
Thad
Hey! Janine just ripped Cher and Celine Dion's hearts out
with her bare hands!
Mr. Hilter
Oh my God! Holly Woods just suffocated Shania Twain!
Liam
With what?
Donner & Thad
You don't want to know.
A couple of bloody minutes later, The porno chicks have defeated the
Divas. Capeman, Bippo, Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham have turned back into
humans.
INT. THE WHITE HOUSE
Al Gore turns human as well.
Al Gore
YES! I'M FREE! YIZEAH!
Al Gore starts breakdancing.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Liam and the gang are standing around.
Capeman
Good job! If it hadn't been for your quick thinking, me
and the others would still be statues!
Liam
Thanks, I guess.
Donner
Waitaminute! His quick thinking? Liam did next to nothing!
Capeman
Ask me if I care. CAAAAAPEMAAAAAAN!!!
Capeman flies off.
Cosmic Weasel
We should be leaving also!
Dr. Wham
Off to fight evil for truth... justice...
Cosmic Weasel
And fine chicks!! WEASEL AND WHAM AWAY!!!
The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham fly off.
Liam
Hey, where did Bippo go off to?
Donner
He left with all those porno chicks.
Thad
He said something about wanting to break a record or
something.
Mr. Hilter
Hey. Did anyone just hear that?
Liam
Hear what?
Mr. Hilter
It sounded like someone yelled "nipplage" then I heard a
thunder crash.
Donner
Riiiiiight.
Jesse and Jonathan walk up.
Jesse
Hey, sorry we took so long!
Liam
Where were you two?
Jonathan
We were going to get the cops but then we got side-tracked.
Donner
By what?
Jonathan
Jesse started hitting on this woman, she turned out to be a
vice cop and she arrested us both.
Jesse
On the bright side, I got a tattoo in jail! Wanna see it?
Everyone
NO!
Jesse
All right. What did we miss?
Liam
After you left, Capeman and two new heroes: The Cosmic
Weasel and Dr. Wham helped save us, with the help from
Moses, Mother Teresa and Bippo: The clown. Then after
Moses and Mrs. T left, the Atomic Divas attacked and we
stopped them with a horde of porno actresses!
Jesse and Jonathan look at Liam, then look at Donner and Thad.
Donner
Don't ask us!
Thad
We think he's frickin' nuts!
Jonathan
Damn. We missed the Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham AGAIN!
Jesse
Damn.
Liam
That's odd. Isn't it. Jesse and Jonathan leave and Cosmic
Weasel and Dr. Wham show up. And when they leave, Jesse
and Jonathan return... Interesting!
Jesse
Do you remember what they look like?
Liam
Yeah! kinda like y-
Jonathan
UP IN THE SKY! IT'S THE COSMIC WEASEL AND DR. WHAM!
Everyone looks up at ths sky
Donner
I don't see them, all I see is the sun...
While they're looking up at the sun, Jonathan punches Liam in the gut
and Jesse hits him in the head with a skillet. Everyone looks back down.
Jesse disposes of the skillet.
Jesse
You were saying, Liam? What do they look like?
Liam
(Dazed)
I can't really remember... Everything's kind of a blurry
haze. Who are all of you?
Donner grabs Liam and the entire group leaves to get a meal.
INT. THE TRIBUNAL OF EVIL'S LAIR
Tribunal 1
Well, that was a wasted effort!
Tribunal 2
A total washout.
Tribunal 3
I feel depressed.
Tribunal 4
We're failures.
Tribunal 5
Told you we should have gone with the ice skaters.
Tribunals 1-4
Shut up!
Tribunal 1
Aw come on! Let's cheer up!
Tribunal 2
We will get him eventually!
Tribunal 3
That's right! We're not losers!
Tribunal 4
We're winners! We'll kill him next time!
Tribunal 5
Yeah! Now bring in the dancing girls!!!
Several strippers come in and start dancing with the Tribunal of Evil.
THE END.
ROLL CREDITS