INT. JASON DONNER'S LUXURY PENTHOUSE APARTMENT
DONNER is standing in the middle of the room looking quite distraught as if
he is on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

				DONNER
	What do you MEAN you're leaving!?

A man walks past him with a suitcase.  It is CAPEMAN.

				CAPEMAN
	Oh, just for a week.  I'll be back.

				DONNER
	But... But...  What is this city going to do without you!?  I
	mean... just a couple of weeks ago we were invaded by an army of
	zombies!  Come to think of it though... I don't think you lifted
	a finger during that whole incident... but that's beside the
	point!  What if another crisis breaks out!  Capeman, this is no
	time for you to go off gallivanting to Hollywood just because
	some guy named Alan Smithee gave you a call!

				CAPEMAN
	Everyone deserves a week off... even me... Capeman.

				DONNER
	But you hardly ever do anything heroic!  Why, you've been
	sitting around the penthouse for two weeks sulking and
	mumbling to yourself about Doctor Wham and Cosmic Weasel!

				CAPEMAN
	Lousy no good...
				[a beat]
	Look, it's not as if you care or anything!  I know you... you
	don't care about anything but yourself!  That's why you're still
	here!  You're just suckling at my teet!

Donner sticks his finger in Capeman's face.

				DONNER
	DON'T ever talk to me like that again, CAPEMAN!  You're
	forgetting... I can expose you to the world!  I know who you
	REALLY are!

Capeman slaps Donner's finger out of his face.

				CAPEMAN
	...and don't YOU forget...  DONNER!  I know who YOU really are! 
	We're both in the same boat, aren't we, bro?

They stare at each other.

				CAPEMAN
	I'll be back in a week...  if you need me, call my cel phone.

Capeman marches out onto the balcony and flys away.  Donner watches him go.

				DONNER
	Pompous strutting fool.  Your day of reckoning is coming and
	when that time comes, I'm going to make sure you fall and fall
	hard!

The phone rings.  Donner answers.

				DONNER
	Hello?
				[a pause]
	What do you mean you could...!?
				[a pause]
	Oh, right... Superhearing.  Sorry!  I was just thinking out
	loud, Capeman!

CUT TO

INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam, wearing a dress shirt and tie, answers the door to find Stacy VaVoom
standing there.

				STACY
	Hi, Liam... nice tie.

				LIAM
	Yeah, it's for a celebrity blackjack tournament later tonight. I
	spent over fifty bucks on it!

				STACY
	I didn't ask for the obvious exposition, Liam. I'm missing my
	dark blue jacket.  Did I leave it here last night when Gary and
	I were making out on your couch?

				LIAM
	Yeah... it's over here.

Liam hands the jacket to Stacy.

				LIAM
	You know, now that you mention it...  I don't mean to sound rude
	or anything, but about last night, you see... I was kinda
	offended when you and Gary started petting in front of everyone. 
	I mean, I invited everyone down to watch Tarzan...  not
	to watch you and Gary exchange saliva... and it was kind of
	embarrassing with both of Mister Hilter's eight-year old nieces
	there.

				STACY
	Liam... I think it's obvious what's going on!

				LIAM
	It is?

				STACY
	You're jealous!

				LIAM
	I am?

Stacy starts to put on the jacket.

				STACY
	You've never been able to accept the fact that Gary and I love
	each other.  I mean, sure... he's got more potmarks than Highway
	66 and his hair is so oily, Arabs are fighting over it... but I
	love him and he loves me!

Stacy tries to zip up the jacket but it appears the zipper is stuck.

				LIAM
	Stacy, I think you're reading a little too much into this.

Stacy can't zip up the jacket.

				STACY
	Great, now you've got me so angry I can't work my zipper!

				LIAM
	Here, let me try...

Liam walks over and starts tugging on the zipper.

				STACY
	You know what your problem is, Liam.  You're not willing to open
	up to other people... letting them know the real you.  You need
	to get closer to people!

At that moment, the zipper comes loose and catches Liam's tie.  Liam is
jerked foreword and his face becomes buried in Stacy's breasts.

				STACY
	I don't mean NOW!

				LIAM
				[muffled]
	Gah!  I'm stuck!

				STACY
	What do you mean you're stuck!  Get off of me, you pervert!

				LIAM
	I can't!  My tie got stuck in your zipper!

				STACY
	Oh, for God's sake...

Stack tugs and tugs on the zipper.  It won't come loose.

				STACY
	Uh-oh... you ARE stuck!

				LIAM
	I can't breathe!

				STACY
	Okay... keep calm!  I'm sure we can figure out a way out of this
	before anyone sees us!

At that moment, MISTER HILTER walks in.

				HILTER
	Liam, I...

He sees Liam's face stuck in Stacy's knockers.

				HILTER
	WHOA!  What the holy hopped up hell is going on here!?

				STACY
	Uh...  well... it's uh...  Not what it looks like.

				LIAM
	No, it's not, Mister Hilter... I seem to have fallen into a...
	booby trap!

MUSIC STING
FADE OUT

------------------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG
(sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons")

Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Show!

It don't air on the TV!
Just right here on the net!
No networks would touch this thing,
and that is a real sure bet!

Don't you go and get depressed!
An internet show's more fun!
A lot of what you see is up to you,
Just use your imagination!

Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow!

OLÉ!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARRING

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

Ed Asner
as
"Mister Hilter"

GUEST STARRING

Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"

Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"

The Stick
as
"Harry the Handyman"

John Goodman
as
"Elvis"

RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"

and
Jason Donner
as
"Donner"

SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY

Leonard Nimoy

Clint Howard

and
Carmen Electra

AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR

Steve Martin
as
"Alan Smithee"



FADE IN

LIAM'S APARTMENT - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Liam's tie is still stuck in Stacy's jacket zipper and Liam's face is still
buried in Stacy's yabos.  Mister Hilter has grabbed Liam and is pulling one
direction, HARRY THE HANDYMAN has Stacy is pulling in the opposite direction.

				STACY
	I don't think this is working, guys.

				HARRY
	You know, I've been a handyman for almost twenty years and never
	have I ever had to remove a man from a zipper...  well... there
	was that one time, but it was too gruesome to recount.
				[a beat]
	Okay... this guy, right?  He was taking a leak and he zipped up
	too fast...
	
				HILTER
	HARRY!

				HARRY
	Huh?

				HILTER
	Look, not to belittle you or your experiences... but we don't
	care.  Liam, how are you doing?

				LIAM
				[muffled]
	Mommy!  Can I have a chocolate?

Stacy smacks Liam on top of the head.

				LIAM
	Sorry... I guess my mind was wandering.

				STACY
	Oh... this is TERRIBLE!  I just know what's going to happen
	next!  Gary is going to show up and see Liam with his face
	buried in my boobs and he's going to think that something's
	going on and he'll be crushed!  I can't let that happen!

				HARRY
	Right.  Well, I see no alternative... we'll have to cut the tie
	off.

				LIAM
	NO!  It's a fifty dollar tie!

				STACY
	But, Liam... it's the only way!

				LIAM
	No!  I am putting my foot down right here and right now!  You
	are not cutting this tie!  No sir!  No how!  No freakin' way!

Mister Hilter reaches around Liam and grabs the zipper.

				HILTER
	Maybe if we try to zip the zipper all the way up.

He does so and his hand clasps down on one of Stacy's breasts.

				STACY
	WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?

				HILTER
	Oh dear... I'm sorry, Stacy.  My cuff got caught in your zipper!

Mister Hilter struggles to free himself.  As he does so, he knocks Liam in
the head four or five times.

				LIAM
	OW!  OW!  OW!  Stop it!

				HILTER
	This is so embarrassing!   I can't seem to get free!

				STACY
	Can you at least move your hand?

Mister Hilter tries to move his hand but only ends up fondling Stacy's boob.

				STACY
	Could this get WORSE?

Liam starts snoring.

				STACY
	Yes, it can... Liam is drooling.

FADE TO

EXT - HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA
It's a beautiful sunny day in Hollywood.  Beautiful women and men roam the
street looking for their big break as the massive Hollywood sign stands in
the background.  CAPEMAN flies through the air and towards a massive studio. 
A sign that says "Slightly Warped Pictures" can be seen.

INT - A HOLLYWOOD OFFICE
The doors are blown inward and Capeman enters the room.  He looks at the
secretary and smiles smugly.

				CAPEMAN
	Sorry... I shouldn't have knocked so hard.

				SECRETARY
	Ah... Capeman.  Mr. Smithee is expecting you.  Go right inside.

Capeman reaches for the door.  The secretary quickly gets up and stops him.

				SECRETARY
	HOW ABOUT... Uh... How about I get that for you?

				CAPEMAN
	Ah yes... thank you.

The secretary opens the door and Capeman goes inside.

INT. ALAN SMITHEE'S OFFICE
ALAN SMITHEE rises and greets Capeman.  He leads him to a chair at a desk and
sits.

				ALAN SMITHEE
	Ah, Capeman!  Come in!  Come in!  I've heard an awful lot about
	you!  You and your constant battles against Senestra
	Malevolous...  your battle against Spicezilla...  Janet Reno...
	Militant Feminist... Disgruntled Postman... and all of the other
	rouges in your gallery are legendary!  By the way, where's
	Decoy, your sidekick?

				CAPEMAN
	Dead.

				ALAN SMITHEE
	Dead!?

				CAPEMAN
	Dead... TIRED!  Yes... he was so tired he decided to stay in Las
	Vegas.  Dead tired... yeah, that's the ticket.  I covered THAT
	quite well.

				ALAN SMITHEE
	Regardless... Capeman, I called you here because I have an offer
	you would be a fool to refuse.

				CAPEMAN
	What kind of offer?

				ALAN SMITHEE
	Picture this...  a big-budget Hollywood feature film!  And YOU
	are the reason it happens!

Capeman's face lights up.

				CAPEMAN
	You mean...  you're going to make my movie?  The script I sent
	in?

				ALAN SMITHEE
	Uh... script?  I don't believe I've seen a script.

				CAPEMAN
	Ah, well... let me pitch it to you now.

				ALAN SMITHEE
	But, I...

				CAPEMAN
	Here's the pitch... it's the early 20th century, oh... say...
	1912-ish, and two lovers meet on a large luxury cruise boat.
	A boat of Titanic proportions if you catch my drift.

				ALAN SMITHEE
	I think that's been done.

				CAPEMAN
	And then...  the Loc Ness monster attacks the boat and the
	boat's captain is given a magical lantern in which a genie
	lives...

				ALAN SMITHEE
	I don't...

				CAPEMAN
	Now, you'd think that the genie would help the passengers beat
	the Loc Ness Monster, right?  Wrong!  It's an EVIL genie who
	turns the officers into those little strawberry-filled pop-tarts!  
	So, then the guy who was in love with the woman suddenly
	realizes that he is really an leprechaun!  A really tall
	leprechaun!  And he and his leprechaun brethren storm the boat
	to fight both the Loc Ness Monster and the evil genie!

				ALAN SMITHEE
	Uh, Capeman?

				CAPEMAN
	And then... THE GROUP SEX!

				ALAN SMITHEE
	Capeman, I hate to sound critical... but your idea sucks.  I
	mean, no normal person in their right mind would pay to see some
	garbage about the Loc Ness Monster and a genie on the Titanic
	fighting an army of leprechauns!  No offense.  I called you here
	because my studio is interested in doing a movie ABOUT you!

Capeman is intrigued.

				CAPEMAN
	About me?

				ALAN SMITHEE
	Yes, Capeman!  Where did you come from?  What is the real you
	about?  Think of it... Capeman: The Movie!  It could make
	billions!

				CAPEMAN
	Hmmm...  a movie about me?  How intriguing.  Why, a Capeman
	movie could be just the thing to bring a bit of culture to the
	barren landscape of summer movies!

				ALAN SMITHEE
	...or we could just throw something together and rewrite it a
	dozen times until we have a laughable script, paper-thin
	characters, and stupid one-liner dialogue but at the same time
	have a script jam-packed with toyetic merchandise we could
	market and make even more billions!  I mean, consider Batman
	and Robin...

				CAPEMAN
	Bleech!  Do I have to?

				ALAN SMITHEE
	That movie was a tremendous flop, but it made half a billion on
	toys and fast food tie-ins.

				CAPEMAN
	Let's see... I could make a movie with heart and soul... or I
	could sell out and run with a mint?  What to do?  What to do? 
	What to do?

A little DEVIL CAPEMAN appears on Capeman's left shoulder.

				DEVIL CAPEMAN
	What are you waiting for?  To hell with morals!  Say yes!  Take
	the money!

An ANGEL CAPEMAN appears on Capeman's right shoulder.

				ANGEL CAPEMAN
	I agree.  Take the money.

Angel Capeman and Devil Capeman vanish in a puff of smoke.

				CAPEMAN
	I'll do it!

				ALAN SMITHEE
	Eeeeeeeeexcellent!  BWAAAAAA... HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAAAAAAAAA!

Capeman stares at Alan Smithee who stops laughing and looks nervous.

				ALAN SMITHEE
	Sorry... I just remembered something funny I saw on ABC's TGIF
	line up.

Capeman looks suspicious.

				ALAN SMITHEE
	D'ah mean...  FOX's Sunday Night?

Capeman nods and smiles.  The scene freezes and turns black and white.  The
camera zooms out to reveal that we are now looking at a picture in a book.  A
hand closes the book.

INT. A ROOM
LEONARD NIMOY is sitting at a desk with the book we just saw.  He looks at
the camera.

				LEONARD NIMOY
	And so, Capeman made a deal to make his movie and it was
	released the following summer...  and so, our story ends.  And
	so, our visit must end.  Good-night.

The stage darkens.  A STAGEHAND walks up to Leonard Nimoy.

				STAGEHAND
	Uh, sir?  You're forgetting about Liam, Stacy, and Mister
	Hilter.  They're still trapped in Stacy's bazooms.

				LEONARD NIMOY
	Oh, uh... W-Well... I'll just go get something from my car.

Leonard Nimoy runs to the door.  After a second, the sound of a car door
opening and closing and then the sound of tires screeching and a car zooming
away can be heard.

				STAGEHAND
	I don't think he's coming back!

FADE OUT

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- ...now on video and DVD!
- ...cuts greese even on dishes!
- ...the quicker picker upper!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

FADE IN

LIAM'S APARTMENT
With some difficulty, Liam, Stacy, and Mister Hilter have managed to sit on
the couch.  Liam's face is still buried in Stacy's melons, and Hilter still
has his hand on her tah-tah.  Harry the Handyman looks on.

				HARRY
	What about if I get a can of WD-40 and just lubricate that
	sucker till it comes loose?

				HILTER
	No, it's not that the zipper's stuck, it's just that it's got so
	much fabric caught in the teeth.  Here, hand me a pair of
	scissors and I'll...

				LIAM
				[muffled]
	NO!  You are NOT cutting my fifty dollar tie!

				STACY
	Oh, will you STOP being such a wimp?

There is a knock at the door.  Everyone freezes.

				LIAM
				[calls out]
	Who's there!?

				GARY'S VOICE
	Hey, Liam.  It's me!

				STACY
				[frantically whispers]
	Oh no! It's Gary!  I just KNEW this was going to happen!  He
	can't see me like this!  I've got to hide!

Stacy jumps up and drags Liam and Hilter across the room.

				STACY
	Where can I go?

				LIAM
				[muffled]
	Go in the bedroom!  We can hide in there.

				HILTER
	Harry, go let Gary in.

Before Liam, Hilter, and Stacy can hide, Harry starts opening the door.

				HILTER
	Not NOW, you idiot!

Harry opens the door.  Liam and Stacy get inside the bedroom, but Hilter
freezes in the doorway, his arm inside the room and out of view.  GARY THE
FANBOY enters.

				GARY
	Hey, Harry... Mister Hitler.

				HILTER
	HILTER!

				GARY
	Whatever.  Where's Liam?

				HILTER
	Liam?

				GARY
	No, Liam.  I heard him in here.

				HARRY
	Oh, he means LIAM!  Well, it's a funny and complicated story...
	You see, Liam...

				HILTER
	...is SICK!  Yes, that's it.  He's sick.

				HARRY
	Oh, I was going to say he was abducted by aliens.

				HILTER
	He's SICK, Harry.

				GARY
	Oh, that's too bad.  What's wrong with him?

				HARRY
	I got this one!  He's got cancer!

				GARY
	He's got WHAT!?

				HILTER
	CANCKER sores!  Very bad canker sores!

				HARRY
	And he's got diphtheria!

				HILTER
	Uh... D-DIARRHEA!  DIARRHEA!

				HARRY
	...and a really bad case of syphilis.

				HILTER
	SNIFFLES!

				HARRY
	...and then there's the yeast infection...

				HILTER
	Harry!  Stop fooling around!

				HARRY
	Fooling?

				HILTER
	Liam has the flu.  THAT'S ALL Liam has.  THE FLU!

				GARY
	Oh... Can I see him?

				HILTER
	See who?

				GARY
	Liam.

				HILTER
	Right!  Liam!  Uh... you can't!  He's...  very contagious!

Liam starts coughing to help support Hilter's lie, but since his face is
still buried in Stacy's guzongas, he ends up making a farting sound in
addition to the coughs.

				HILTER
	...and flatulent.

				GARY
	Oh, well... I'll stay out here then.  Have you seen Stacy
	anywhere?

				HARRY
	I did.

				HILTER
	HARRY!

				GARY
	You did?  Where is she?

Harry realizes his mistake.

				HARRY
	Uh... she's...  she went to eat.

				GARY
	Where?

				HARRY
	Hooters.

				GARY
	Hooters?

				HILTER
	She... uh... loves those chicken wings!

				GARY
	Uh-huh.   Well...  I came up here to invite her to go to dinner
	with me, but I guess she's all ready taken care of.  Do you want
	to go, Harry?

				HARRY
	Uh... I don't want to leave Liam alone... in his condition.  You
	know... the cyst and all.

				GARY
	I see... What about you, Mister Hilter?

				HILTER
	I have my hands full.

Mister Hilter looks nervously at his hidden arm.

				GARY
	All the same.  I guess It'll be good to get some time to myself. 
	I mean, I like Stacy and all... but she's such a hanger-on and
	stuff.  I mean, I can't go ten minutes without her invading my
	space and wanting a kiss or a hug or this or that... she's
	become a ball and chain all ready!  Oh, how I long for the day
	when it was just me, Star Trek, and the internet chat
	rooms.

Suddenly, Stacy bursts out of the door dragging Liam and Hilter behind her.

				STACY
	A BALL AND CHAIN, HUH!?

				GARY
	STACY!?

				STACY
	Invading your SPACE, huh!?

				GARY
	Liam!?  What are you doing with your head in my girlfriend's
	dirty pillows!?

				LIAM
				[muffled]
	There's a perfectly good explanation for all of this!

				STACY
	You stay out of this, Liam!  This is about Gary and me!

				GARY
	Stacy, will you PLEASE tell me what's going on?  Why is Mister
	Hitler grabbing one of your jubblies?

				STACY
	Quit changing the subject, you rat!  So, you think I'm a ball
	and chain, huh?  Well... this ball and chain is handing you the
	key and letting you go, boy!

				GARY
	You're what?

				HARRY
	I think she's breaking up with you.

				GARY
	You're breaking up with me?

				STACY
	Yes, Gary... we're THROUGH!

Gary gets mad.

				GARY
	Oh yeah!?  Well, We'll just see about that!  I don't need you,
	Stacy!  I can get another gorgeous woman in no time!  You'll
	see!  All of you will see!

Gary storms out the door.

				STACY
	What did I ever see in that man?

				HILTER
	I think you went out with Gary as an unconscious attempt at the
	domination of a man with a low self-esteem and who had no chance
	of ever having a normal relationship with a normal woman.

Stacy growls, grabs Hilter's hand, and rips it loose from her breast.  the
cuff of his shirt is still stuck in her jacket.

				LIAM
	May I remind you that this is a fifty dollar tie and I haven't
	said anything yet?

Stacy grabs the zipper and pulls on it angrily.  It doesn't come loose, but
she does smack Liam on the nose several times.

				LIAM
				[crying]
	Mercy!  Uncle!  Uncle!


				STACY
	Why does stuff like this have to happen to me?

				HARRY
	Actually, I've been noticing that something odd and entertaining
	happens to us at least once every two weeks.   Isn't that weird?

				HILTER
	Well... aisde from the fact that we've just destroyed a six
	month romance in the space of five minutes, we can't ignore the
	fact that Liam is still trapped.

				STACY
	This would be a lot easier if you'd just let us cut the tie.

				LIAM
	NO!  This is a...

				STACY, HILTER, & HARRY
	...fifty dollar tie.  We KNOW!

				LIAM
	Right.

				STACY
	Liam, this is starting to make me uncomfortable.

				LIAM
	YOU'RE uncomfortable?  My back is killing me and it's getting
	hot down here!

				STACY
	I know... you're getting all sweaty.

				LIAM
	Oh... this that me?

Mister Hilter takes Harry aside.

				HILTER
	Look, Harry, this is ridiculous.  I say we end this now.

				HARRY
	How?

				HILTER
	You grab Liam, I take the scissors and we cut the tie.

				HARRY
	But it's a fifty dollar tie!

Mister Hilter puts his hand to his ear.

				HILTER
	Shhh!  Harry!  Do you hear that?

				HARRY
	What is it?

				HILTER
	That's the sound of me not giving a CRAP about Liam's fifty
	dollar tie!

He picks up the scissors and motions for Harry to follow.  They walk
innocently over to Liam and Stacy who are talking.

				STACY
	YES, they're REAL!

				HILTER
	Excuse us, Stacy.  Harry, now.

Harry stands there.

				HILTER
	Harry?

				HARRY
	What?

				HILTER
	Now!

				HARRY
	Huh?

				HILTER
	GRAB LIAM, YOU IDIOT!

				HARRY
	Oh!

Harry grabs Liam and Hilter readies the scissors.

				LIAM
	No!  No!  It's a fifty dollar tie!

				HILTER & STACY
	WE DON'T CARE!!!

Hilter goes in with the scissors.  Suddenly, Liam jumps backwards and the tie
comes loose.  It hangs in Stacy's jacket zipper.

				STACY
	What the hell?

Stacy looks down at the tie.

				STACY
	It's... It's a CLIP-ON!!!

				LIAM
	Oh yeah... I forgot.  It IS a clip-on.  I can't even TIE a tie.

Stacy gets that crazed "I'm going to kill you" look in her eyes.

				STACY
	It's...  a...  clip... on!?

				LIAM
	Uh-huh.

				HILTER
				[whispers]
	Run, Liam, run.

				STACY
	IT'S A MOTHER-FU-(BLEEP!)-KING CLIP-ON!?

				LIAM
	Eep.

Stacy starts advancing on Liam.  Her eyes begin to grow a yellow-ish color
and foam begins to drip from her mouth.

				HARRY
	I just know I'm going to have to clean this up.

Stacy goes for Liam's throat, but before she can trottle him to death, Gary,
CARMEN ELECTRA, and ELVIS enter.  CHOCOLATE TREAT follows them throwing rice
in the air.

				STACY
	What.... is... THIS!?

				GARY
	I told you I could find a woman without you and I did!

				CARMEN ELECTRA
	Yeah, Gary's the coolest.

				STACY
	Yeah, well... you can break up with him now because this was all
	just a big misunderstanding and I'm ready to take him back.

				CARMEN ELECTRA
	Take him back?  Honey, that's gonna be tougher than you think!

				HARRY
	What are you saying?

Carmen Electra holds up her hand and we see a WEDDING RING on her finger. 
Gary smiles smugly.

				ELVIS
	They came in to my chapel a little while ago and wanted to get
	married.

				CHOCOLATE TREAT
	I got to be the flower girl!

				STACY
	MARRIED?

				CARMEN ELECTRA
	Yeah, Gary was all crying and everything and I felt sorry for
	him, you know?  Besides, I'm not married to Dennis Rodman this
	week, so I figured...  What the hell?  You know?

				STACY
	You... You were broken up with me for ten minutes and you
	married the first floozy you could find!?

				GARY
	Carmen is no floozy!  She's got a great mind too!  Besides, I
	was only going out with you for your body.

				STACY
	WHAT!?

				GARY
	Come on, Carmen.  Let's go constipate our marriage.

				ELVIS
	Don't you mean "consummate your marriage?"

				GARY
	Heavens no!  I don't want to do anything kinky!

Gary and Carmen Electra exit.  Stunned, Stacy walks blankly to the couch and
sits down.

				HILTER
	Well... I would not have anticipated this turn of events.

Stacy pulls Liam's tie out of her jacket zipper and hands it to him.

				STACY
				[mindlessly]
	Here's your tie, Liam.

				LIAM
	You mean you're not mad at me?

				STACY
	Why should I be?  Nothing matters anymore.  Do you have any idea
	what's happened to me?

Chocolate Treat sits next to her.

				CHOCOLATE TREAT
	Honey, I know exactly what happened to you.  You were going out
	with Gary 'cause he was a little pimply-faced nobody you could
	dominate and now you see that you were never in control of him
	at all.  It's quite a blow.

				STACY
	Was that it?  Was that all I saw in Gary the Fanboy?  My need to
	dominate?

				CHOCOLATE TREAT
	It's hard to take it when you're not the center of the universe,
	huh sweetie?  Well, it's something for you to think about.  I'll
	see ya later.

Chocolate Treat gets up and leaves.  Elvis stands there for a second and
looks around nervously.

				ELVIS
	I... uh... guess I'd better go too.

Elvis walks out the door mumbling something about "not enough screen time".

				HARRY
	Stacy, for what it's worth...  I'm sorry.

				HILTER
	Me too.

				LIAM
	So am I.

Stacy just sits there.  After a second, she gets up.

				STACY
	Okaaaaay.  So I'm NOT the center of the universe.  No biggie...  
	I can live with that.

				LIAM
				[thinking]
	This is it.  With Stacy and Gary broken up I can finally tell
	her how I feel.
				[out loud]
	Stacy, I...

				STACY
	Yes, Liam?

				LIAM
				[thinking]
	Don't panic!  Don't panic!  Just tell her!
				[out loud]
	I...  I... I...

				STACY
	What, Liam?

				LIAM
	I... have to go to the bathroom.

Liam runs to the bathroom and slams the door.

				STACY
	Weirdo.

				HILTER
	I guess it's be best if we all just leave and forget this
	horrible little incident.  After a few days, maybe...  
				[he looks at Harry]
	Harry...  Your fly is down.

				HARRY
				[looks]
	Oh!

Harry tries to zip his zipper up.

				HARRY
	It's stuck!

				STACY
	Here, let me help.

Stacy grabs Harry's zipper and tugs.

				STACY
	Boy, that thing sure is stuck!

The zipper comes loose and catches Stacy's sleeve causing her hand to cup
over Harry's crotch.  Everyone looks at each other in shock.  The picture
freezes and we zoom back to reveal that we are now looking at a picture in a
book.  A hand closes the book.

INT. A ROOM
CLINT HOWARD is now sitting where Leonard Nimoy was.

				CLINT HOWARD
	...and what followed was a tale so shocking and horrible that we
	are not even allowed to air it.  And so ends our tale of the
	gripping zippers.

The lights begin to fade.

				CLINT HOWARD
	Oh... and Carmen and Gary divorced, like, thirty minutes later.

FADE OUT

ROLL CREDITS