Let it be known by all that I wrote this episode before Scary Movie opened in theaters. In fact, when I wrote this I hadn't even heard of Scary Movie. Check the date on the episode!
NOTE: This story has several characters who speak Spanish. I speak a little Spanish, but I'm not very good at it so please excuse the obvious mistakes I'm about to make. EXT. AN ARMY BASE - WASHINGTON D.C. - NIGHT Sirens are blaring as a man jumps a fence and hides behind a bush. In his arms, he is cradling a small six-year-old boy. The camera zooms in and we see that the man is JUAN MIGUEL GONZALES and the boy is ELIAN GONZALES. ELIAN Qué hace, papa? (What's happening, father?) JUAN MIGUEL No preocupas, Elian. Vamos a la cuidad donde nadie pode nos molestan! (Don't worry, Elian. We'll go to a city where no one will bother us.) ELIAN Pero donde? (But where?) JUAN MIGUEL Las Vegas! (Las Vegas!) ELIAN Miremos Sigfried y Roy? (Will we see Siegfried and Roy?) Juan Miguel gives Elian a look, scoops him up, and runs away into the night. MUSIC STING FADE OUT ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THEME SONG (sung to the theme of "Should I Stay or Should I Go?") Janet Reno, let me know... Should I stay or should I go? If you say yes, that is fine. I'll live here 'till the end of time. But you gotta let me know, (whoa, whoa, whoa) Should I stay or should I go? OLÉ! ------------------------------------------------------------------------THE LIAM SMITH SHOW STARRING Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith" Ed Asner as "Mister Hilter" GUEST STARRING Robert Floyd as "Bippo the Clown" and introducing Leon Lai as "Kevin Riley" SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY Elian Gonzalez Juan Miguel Gonzalez Lazaro Gonzalez and Marisleysis Gonzalez AND SPECIAL GUEST STARS Janet Reno and Fidel Castro INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY MISTER HILTER is at the front desk reading a newspaper. The headline reads "JUAN MIGUEL AND ELIAN MISSING!" HILTER I don't believe it! [a pause] There's a 50 off sale at Pier One! Mister Hilter gets up to leave when Juan Miguel and Elian enter looking tired and haggard. JUAN MIGUEL Nosotros es aquí! Nosostros dentro Las Vegas! Por fin estamos seguro! (We made it! We're in Las Vegas! At last we're safe!) ELIAN Bueno! (Great!) HILTER Uh... Can I help you? JUAN MIGUEL Señor, necesitamos tus ayundar! Puedas esconder aquí hasta Presidenté Castro y Janet Reno deciden a partir nosotros solo? (Sir, we need help. Will you hide us here until President Castro and that She-Hulk, Janet Reno, decide to leave us alone?) HILTER I'm sorry, I don't speak Spanish. Uh... Hablo English? JUAN MIGUEL English? Juan Miguel looks at Elian. JUAN MIGUEL English? ELIAN Sí, English! Yo hablo poco English! (Yes English! I speak a little English!) Elian looks at Hilter. ELIAN I would like to go to Disneyland again. HILTER What? ELIAN I'm sorry, uncle, but I can't read the cue cards. HILTER I don't understand. Juan Miguel puts Elian down. JUAN MIGUEL Necesitamos un dormitorio! (We need a room to stay in!) HILTER Dormitorio? Dorm? Dormitory? Do you need an apartment? JUAN MIGUEL Sí! Apartamento! HILTER Well, I'm afraid that all of our apartments are currently occupied. Uh... no, gotta dormitorio. Juan Miguel and Elian look sad. Mister Hilter sees them and his heart melts. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT LIAM SMITH answers the door to reveal Mister Hilter, Juan Miguel, and Elian. LIAM Mister Hitler? Juan Miguel and Elian scream. HILTER HILTER! [to Juan Miguel and Elian] HIL-TER! Liam es stupido! JUAN MIGUEL Ah! Es hombre loco! HILTER Er, right. ELIAN I like Mickey Mouse! HILTER Liam, I've got some good news for you. LIAM And here comes the story hook. HILTER These are my friends, Juan and Elian. They've fallen on hard times and need a place to stay... LIAM The wind up. HILTER ...and I know you have this BIG apartment all to yourself... LIAM The pitch. HILTER So, what do you say? LIAM Mister Hilter, I don't think it's such a... Juan Miguel pokes Elian in the side. Elian looks at Liam and bats his disgustingly cute little eyes. LIAM Good... It's a good... It's a good idea. HILTER Wonderful! I'll just leave the three of you to get aquatinted! Hilter exits leaving Juan Miguel, Elian, and Liam alone. LIAM So... in town long? ELIAN Seaworld is fun. LIAM Uh-huh. It look like we have a bit of a language barrier. But fortunately, I know just the person to help us out. Liam grabs the phone and dials. CUT TO: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - A FEW MINUTES LATER BIPPO THE CLOWN has joined Liam, Elian, and Juan Miguel. LIAM ...unfortunately, the person that could help us out wasn't home so I threw darts at some names and you were the one that came up. BIPPO And it's a good thing, too! I do speak Spanish! LIAM Where did you learn Spanish? BIPPO The stuff I bring across the border? You kinda pick it up from the locals. LIAM Stuff? BIPPO By "stuff" I mean "contraband." LIAM Bring? BIPPO By "bring", I mean "smuggle." LIAM Is there anything else I should know? BIPPO I haven't paid taxes since '94, I had roasted spotted owl for lunch, and I have Jimmy Hoffa in a steel drum in the basement. LIAM Wow. Uh... now that I know all of your secrets, you don't have to kill me, do you? BIPPO If I do, you'll never see it coming. Bippo goes up to Juan Miguel and Elian. BIPPO Hola, amigos. Me llamo es Bippo el Payaso. (Hello friends. I am Bippo the Clown) JUAN MIGUEL & ELIAN Hola, Bippo. (Hello Bippo.) ELIAN Tenemos Meido! (We're scared!) BIPPO Por qué? (Why?) JUAN MIGUEL Presidenté Castro y Janet Reno hay buscando para nosotros! (President Castro and Janet Reno are after us.) BIPPO Por qué? (Why?) ELIAN Porque encontré sobre botas en la océano y traía a el Estados Unidos por me parientes de Miami (Because I was found floating on a raft in the ocean and brought to America where I was taken in by my Miami relatives.) JUAN MIGUEL Pero quiero Elian con me en Cuba! (But I wanted Elian back with me in Cuba.) ELIAN And my relatives wouldn't let me go since Cuba is a communist country. JUAN MIGUEL And then Janey Reno and Fidel Castro began to fight. ELIAN Me tengo un problemo. Yo puedo qualquiera soy la instrumento de la imperio o yo voy a la Cuba! (So you see my dilemma. I can either be the pawn of a tyrannical empire hoping to parade me through the media for it's own political purposes... or I can go back to Cuba!) LIAM What'd they say? BIPPO Uh... I'm not sure. Something about rafts and Castro and Reno. LIAM Reno? Reno, Nevada? Of course, that's it! They must live in Reno, Nevada and don't have enough money to make it home! Bippo, tell them that we'll help get both of them home. BIPPO No yo preocupado. Tomemos ellos hogar. (Don't worry, we'll get you both home) LIAM Tell them that I will help them! BIPPO Liam es voy a ayundar. Ellos tenian inquietud. (Liam's going to try to help. You're screwed.) LIAM Tell them that this is my new mission in life! BIPPO Ellos morán! (You're both probably going to die.) LIAM As GOD as my witness, both of you are going home to Reno! BIPPO Vamos a tomamos para Reno. (We're going to take you to Reno.) JUAN MIGUEL & ELIAN RENO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Both of them pass out on the floor. LIAM ...the hell's wrong with them? BIPPO Beats me. But it's not my problem. I've got a ten o'clock appointment to have my back waxed. Hope this whole... THING works out okay. LIAM But what do I do about...? Bippo slams the door behind him. LIAM ...the language barrier? Liam looks at the unconscious forms of Juan Miguel and Elian and goes to a phonebook. LIAM Ah. Here we go. Kevin Riley, owner of Montezuma's Revenge Mexican food restaurant. Surely he'll know Spanish! FADE OUT ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK - WHAZZUP! - Brought to you by the plastics council (geeks). - Never shake a baby!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. CUBA PRESIDENTIAL PALACE The Imperial March plays as a dark figure comes into view watching the Havana Skyline. Sinister breathing (like Darth Vader) can be heard. An OFFICIAL walks into the room. OFFICIAL President Castro, you should really lay off the cigars. The dark figure steps into the light and puts down a breathing mask. It is CASTRO. CASTRO But they are so smelly and annoying! A lot like those capitalist pig Americans! What news do you bring me? OFFICIAL We've located Elian Gonzalez. He is holed up in a roach- infested firetrap in Las Vegas called Upda Creek Apartments. Shall I send our elite troops to take him and bring him back to his motherland of Cuba? CASTRO No. I will go there myself. OFFICIAL Is that wise? CASTRO Not really. But I'm the dictator of Cuba! I can do whatever I want! OFFICIAL Sir, I thought we agreed that "dictator" was too negative a word. CASTRO But "president for life" is too wordy! Enough of this! Ready my dirigible! Castro walks over to a bust of himself, lifts up the head revealing a red button, and pushes it. A panel opens behind him and we see a pole. Castro runs over and slides down the pole. EXT. PRESIDENTIAL PALACE A giant hidden door opens and a huge dirigible floats into the sky with the words "THIS IS NOT CASTRO'S DIRIGIBLE" painted on the side. The giant airship flies off towards the horizon. INT. THE US CAPITAL JANET RENO sits at her desk doing paperwork. She looks at a clock and puts the paperwork away. RENO Ah, lunchtime. Reno picks up a box of kittens and prepares to bite the head off of one of them when an AIDE enters. AIDE Mrs. Reno! Mrs. Reno! Reno drops the box. The kittens run away and escape into a ventilation duct. RENO Dammit! You made me loose my lunch! What is so important that you...? AIDE Elian Gonzalez! We've found him in Las Vegas. Upda Creek Apartments off the Vegas Strip. RENO Las Vegas, eh? Well, if we know about this, Castro might also! Ready my hog, boy! Reno cracks a whip over the aid's head who runs out of the room. INT. AN OFFICE SENATOR ED KENNEDY blows out some birthday candles as a few aids look on. AIDE #1 What did you wish for, Senator? KENNEDY I wished for something furry that makes me happy and starts with a "P" to be shoved in my face! Ha! Ha! Ha! The kittens jump out of a vent and attack Kennedy's face hissing and scratching. AIDE #2 Well, at least the old bastard got his wish. EXT. THE CAPITOL BUILDING Janet Reno rides down the front steps on a Harley and runs down several pigeons and pedestrians. She rides off into the horizon. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam and KEVIN RILEY are there with Elian and Juan Miguel. LIAM Glad you could come on such short notice, Kevin. Can you ask Juan Miguel and Elian where they live in Reno? KEVIN Right. Hey, Elian. Dondé en Reno es el... uh... gato? (Where in Reno is the cat?) ELIAN Como? KEVIN Como street. You know where that is? LIAM I don't know. It's late. Ask them if they want something to eat. KEVIN Qué te comes por Liam? (Do you want to be eaten by Liam?) JUAN MIGUEL No! No! No! KEVIN [to Liam] I don't think they're hungry. LIAM Ask them if they're sleepy. KEVIN Es tu a camisa? (Are you a bed?) ELIAN No. I want more toys! KEVIN Okay... I'm not sure WHERE that came from. There is a knock at the door. Liam goes to answer it. LIAM Who is it? The door is kicked in and LAZARO GONZALEZ and MARISLEYSIS GONZALEZ enter. LIAM Who the hell do you think you are? LAZARO I am Elian's Great Uncle Lazaro and this is Marisleysis. MARISLEYSIS Eliaaaaaaan! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Marisleysis passes out. LAZARO Don't mind her. She does that all the time. Now, down to business. Elian is my Great Nephew and I demand that he is turned into my custody. LIAM Why you? I mean, he's already got a dad. LAZARO But his father lives in Cuba! A communist country! He doesn't deserve to raise Elian! LIAM And you do? LAZARO Of course! Who else but his distant Great Uncle and second cousins would know what is best for the boy? Now, hand him over! LIAM Not so fast, bucko! Elian and Juan Miguel are my guests and I won't allow you to just march in here like it's a sale at Penny's and take whatever you want! ELIAN [to Kevin] Qué hace? (What's happening) KEVIN Tus tió es aquí para toma tu a Miami. (Your uncle is here to take you back to Miami.) JUAN MIGUEL Mi culo! (My ass!) Juan Miguel jumps up and gets in the uncle's face he begins speaking Spanish at a rate of a hundred words a minute. Lazaro begins to argue in Spanish as well. LIAM What are they saying, Kevin? KEVIN Uh... Something about "You can't take my board" and "You're a columnist". Geez, why do they gotta talk so fast? Okay, Juan Miguel just called Lazaro a... "Mother Father"? And Lazaro just said something about a sun on a beach? LIAM Mr. Riley? KEVIN What? LIAM You're not as fluent in Spanish as you led me to believe, are you? KEVIN Look, I took half a semester in college. Sure I was asleep, but I think I got the gist of it. [a pause] Don't look at me like that! I just work in a Mexican food restarauant! YOU'RE the one who called ME after all! [a pause] I'M NOT ON TRIAL HERE!!! LIAM Aw, crap! What else can go wrong!? As if heaven above is answering that question, the sky grows black and apartment darkens. LAZERO What in the world is that? Marisleysis wakes up. MARISLEYSIS Wha...!? What's happening? Elian! No! She drops to the floor again. Elian, Juan Miguel, Lazero, Liam, and Kevin rush to the window to see what the hell is going on. KEVIN ...the hell is that thing? EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS FX SHOT A giant Dirigible is positioned over the building. The words "THIS IS NOT CASTRO'S DIRIGIBLE" can clearly be seen. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT ELIAN Es Presidenté Castro! JUAN MIGUEL Hooray! LAZERO Caca! Castro will kill us all! KEVIN He will? LIAM Oh no! Who will save us now!? EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP Janet Reno rides down the road on her motorcycle. She looks up and sees the dirigible. RENO That son of a BITCH!!! She revs the cycle and heads right for a ramp. ROBBIE KNIEVAL rides next to her. ROBBY KNIEVAL What are you doing!? That's my ramp, you crazy bi-- Reno rams Knieval sending him barreling into a brick wall at 100 miles per hour. Reno jumps the ramp and launches herself towards the apartments. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Lazero and Marisleysis have one of Elian's arms, Castro and Juan Miguel have another. Both parties are pulling in opposite directions. ELIAN Ay! Mis brazos! CASTRO Give me the boy! He belongs home in Cuba! LAZERO Never, you commie bastard! America is the greatest country in the world and he rightfully belongs here! JUAN MIGUEL Es le me nino! (He is my son!) MARISLEYSIS Castro will kill him! CASTRO He will be a hero! LAZERO He'll be a pawn! ELIAN Yo soy! (I AM a pawn!) Janet Reno and her hog bursts through the window. RENO Not so fast, Castro! CASTRO [gasps] RENO! RENO Yes, it is I... JANET RENO! You will not have this boy! CASTRO You risk war, man-woman! RENO Then WAR it shall be! Everyone begins to argue. Marisleysis faints yet again. LIAM STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! Everyone stops. LIAM Step back and look at yourselves, people! You, Janet Reno! Haven't you learned anything since you seized the North Pole? Violence is NEVER EVER the answer! He looks at Lazero LIAM And YOU! You should be ashamed of yourself! You keep talking about how terrible a country Cuba is and what a great country America is, all while refusing to obey the laws that make this country so great and essentially kidnapping little Elian just because YOU don't like the country his father lives in! Liam looks at Castro LIAM And YOU! How DARE you take an innocent little boy and turn him into a political pawn to smear the reputation of another country! Hasn't little Elian lost enough!? Can't you just let him be with what little family he has left? Haven't ANY of you thought of what ELIAN wants!? Everyone looks at their shoes. CASTRO He's right. We're bastards. RENO I can't believe it. I feel so low. LAZERO But... CUBA IS A COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!! LIAM [to Lazero] Laz, look at Elian and Juan Miguel. They are father and son! They love each other and you want to break them up because of politics? My friend, NEVER confuse the people with the politics because if you do, then you're as bigoted as the biggest bigot. LAZERO I don't understand. KEVIN I'm not sure I do either. LIAM [to Lazero] Will you at least TRY to compromise? TRY to HELP the situation and not hinder it? [a beat] Do it for Elian, man! For Elian! A beat as Lazero considers this. LAZERO Very well. I suppose I have been a little superior in this matter. Marisleysis wakes up. MARISLEYSIS What...? What did I miss? LAZERO We're going to cooperate with the authorities and do what's best for-- Marislysis drops to the floor again. LAZERO Crap. MISTER HILTER enters. He stops dead in his tracks when he sees Castro, Reno, Lazero, and the unconscious Marislysis. LIAM Hey, Mister Hitler. You'll never believe it, but I solved an international incident! Who's dah man!? HILTER Nice Liam. Hilter walks over to Elian. HILTER Hello, Elian. ELIAN Hola, señor Hitler. Hilter takes a baseball bat and slams it into Elian's skull. The boy flies across the room and hits the opposite wall. EVERYONE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!? ARE YOU CRAZY!? STOP HIM!!! ELIAN!!! HILTER Quiet everyone! I've discovered something terrible in my ancient manuscripts! I found that... LIAM What ancient manuscripts? HILTER The Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown Book series, OKAY? Now, listen to me! I've found an entry about a demon named Hellian. Hellian feeds on distrust, anger, and intolerance and I have reason to believe that little Elian is, in reality, HELLIAN! CASTRO That is the stupidest thing I've ever... ELIAN FOOLISH MORTALS!!! CASTRO Oh, caca. KEVIN Elian? ELIAN NO, NOT ELIAN! I AM HELLIAN!!! Elian rises off the floor and becomes engulfed in a storm of red flames. He opens his eyes and they are a ghastly white which radiated pure white light. Elian has now become HELLIAN. HELLIAN I HAVE FED OFF YOUR MISTRUSTFUL NATURE AND THE HATE EACH OF YOUR ARE GROWING IN YOUR HEARTS! NOW I HAVE THE POWER TO DESTROY THE WORLD! BWAAAAA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!! Janet Reno grabs a gun and aims at Elian. RENO Freeze or I'll shoot! Elian doesn't move. He just stands there smirking at her. Reno grows tired of waiting and fires. SFX SHOT Like in The Matrix, the bullets heading towards Hellian slow to a crawl and, in slow motion, Hellian bends backwards and dodges the bullets as the camera pivots around him. WOOOOOSH! WOOOOOOSH! WOOOOOSH! His back can be heard painfully cracking. LIAM Elian, I think that you should... SFX SHOT Hellian jumps in the air in front of Liam and gets ready to kick him in the face. The picture freezes and the camera pivots around them both. The picture unfreezes and Hellian kicks Liam in the face sending him backpedaling into the wall. KEVIN Bitchin'! Hellian laughs diabolically, turns into a cloud of locusts, and screams out the window. Everyone watches him go. RENO Well, this sucks. MUSIC STING FADE OUT ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK - Get a piece of the rock. - Plop Plop Fizz Fizz. - Twizzlers makes mouths happy! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- INT. INDIANA UNIVERSITY BASEKETBALL ARENA Coach BOB KNIGHT stands in front of his baseketball team screaming. BOB KNIGHT YOU DUMB SONS A BI-[BLEEP!]-S ARE SO FU-[BLEEP!]-KING STUPID YOU WOULDN'T KNOW YOUR ASS FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND YOU DUMB MOTHER F-[BLEEP!]-ERS! DON'T LOOK AT ME YOU FU-[BLEEP!]-KING [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] BASKETBALL PLAYER But Coach, we can't help it if the soda machine's out of Sprite. Bob Knight looses it, he starts throwing folding chairs, basketballs, and whatever else he can get his hands on. Suddenly, he stops and the room grows deathly quiet. BOB KNIGHT Can you not sense it? The disturbance in the dreamtime? The waves of malevolence radiating from the west? It must be stopped! BY GOD! HELLIAN MUST BE STOPPED! Bob Knight starts running towards the door. He stops long enough to choke one of his players, and then runs off. The camera zooms back to reveal two UNIVERSITY OFFICALS. OFFICAL #1 Does that violate his probation? OFFICAL #2 Naw. That's just his way. We tolerate things like a red-hot temper and violent mood swings. OFFICAL #1 That reminds me. An English Professor said the "S"-word during her class. OFFICAL #2 Fire her. Offical #1 stares at #2 OFFICAL #2 Okay... so we tolerate that sort of bahavior from our coaching staff! EXT. LAS VEGAS SKYLINE Hellian the demon child levitates about the city. Pits of fire appear all over the place and fire rains from the sky. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Liam, Hilter, Kevin, Castro, Reno, Juan Miguel, and Lazero run outside and witness the destruction. JUAN MIGUEL Es horrible! HORRIBLE! (It's horrible! HORRIBLE!) LIAM What can we do, Mister Hilter? HILTER I'm not sure. I haven't gotten the "Spells and Incantations" volume yet! LIAM Okay! What we have here is a being that feeds off of negative emotions! Therefore, it stands to reason that, to defeat him, we must feed him the opposite kind of emotions like love, trust, and hope! KEVIN Yes. Observe how Elian's glow intensifies when we fight, but fades when we don't. LAZERO But how can we overcome so many years of hate and mistrust in a few minutes!? How can we stop the destruction of the world? LIAM I don't know, Laz... but we must try! Mrs. Reno, what do you th-- Kevin looks around for Janet Reno. KEVIN Hey, where'd Janet Reno go? HILTER She was here a few minutes ago. Wait a minute... Where'd Castro run off to? Everyone looks. Sure enough, Reno and Castro are missing. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Janet Reno and Fidel Castro stand in the empty room staring at each other. RENO [crosses her arms] So... it looks like this is the end of the world, huh Castro? CASTRO Indeed. Looks that way. RENO I guess politics doesn't matter anymore. CASTRO I guess not. RENO Mind if I call you Fidel? CASTRO Only if I may call you Janet. RENO I don't mind. CASTRO Janet. Such a beautiful name. Tell me, Janet. What is the last thing you want before you die? RENO Nothing, really. I'm pretty happy. [a pause] You wouldn't happen to have one of those Cuban cigars, would you? Castro pulls one out of his pocket and hands one to Reno. She sits on the couch. Castro sits beside her and offers her a light. RENO Thanks. CASTRO You're quite welcome. Reno takes a puff and blows out several smoke rings. RENO Ah, that's nice. [a pause] Got anything stronger? CASTRO [raises an eyebrow] Stronger? EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Hilter, Liam, Kevin, Juan Miguel, and Lazero are watching Hellion levitating about the city. Lightning has begun to arch throughout the sky. KEVIN What do we do now? At that moment, BOB KNIGHT leaps over a car, does a triple flip, and lands in front of the gang. LIAM Hey, you're that disgusting piece of human garbage that coaches up at Indiana U and abuses all of his players, aren't you? BOB KNIGHT The same. I am here to stop Hellian from destroying creation. KEVIN How are you gonna do that? BOB KNIGHT The only way I know how. Bob Knight marches over to where Hellian is levitating. BOB KNIGHT NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU FU-[BLEEP!]-KING P-[BLEEP!]-SSY! YOU CALL THIS AN ARMAGEDDON? HELL, A F-[BLEEP!]-KING FA-[BLEEP!]-OT COULD PULL OFF A BETTER FU-[BLEEP!]-KING ARMAGEDDON THAN THIS SH-[BLEEP!]-T! GET YOUR F-[BLEEP!]-KING ASS DOWN HERE SO I CAN CHOKE THE SH-[BLEEP!]-T OUT OF YOU, YOU GOD-[BLEEP!]-MED SON OF A B-[BLEEP!]-CH! Bob Knight reaches into the back of his pants and digs around. BOB KNIGHT DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE PLAYING LIKE, HELLIAN? A bolt of red energy blasts out of Hellian's pinkie finger and rushes towards Bob Knight. BOB KNIGHT YOU CALL THAT A DEATH BEAM! I CALL THAT A-- Bob Knight is vaporized and the world is a better place for it. HILTER It looks like we're royally screwed now! Hellian is going to destroy the world and there's nothing we can do about it! LIAM No, I refuse to believe that! Mister Hilter, you're like a father to me! HILTER What? LIAM I said you're like a father to me! Ever since I came her, an abandoned orphan not wanted by anyone, you've taken me under your wing and treated me like I son. You're like the father I never had and I love you for that. HILTER Oh... I guess you're like the son I never wanted... er... I mean had. HELLIAN ARG! LIAM Look! We hurt him! By displaying our love for each other, we hurt the demon! Lazero! Juan Miguel! You have to tell each other how much you love each other or Hellian will roast the city! LAZARO If I must! [to Juan Miguel] Juan Miguel. Yo tengo mucho amor por tus hijo. Yo tengo solo el mejor por lo. Yo soy arrepentido, pero me amo Elian y... me amo... tu. JUAN MIGUEL Realmente? LAZARO Sí. JUAN MIGUEL Mi Tió! Me amo Ustedes tambien! Lazaro and Juan Miguel embrace. KEVIN Aw, group hug! Kevin grabs Juan Miguel and Lazaro. JUAN MIGUEL No puedo respirar! Liam and Hilter look into the sky. HILTER Hellian has weakened, but he obviously still has the power to kill us all! LIAM What can we do now? HILTER Pray, Liam! Pray! LIAM For what? HILTER For two enemies to reconcile their differences in a radical way! LIAM You really think Bippo will apologize to Richard Simmons? HILTER. Oh man, we are so screwed. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Reno and Castro are laughing together. Both of them are quite stoned. RENO ...and then... I BURNED THE COMPOUND DOWN! Castro and Reno laugh hysterically. CASTRO Ah, Janet. We are not so unalike you and I. RENO Maybe not. Oh... CASTRO What? RENO I find beards so... exotic. CASTRO Exotic, eh? RENO I'm sorry. That wasn't what I meant. What I meant was... erotic! CASTRO Erotic? RENO You asked me what I wanted before I died? CASTRO Yes? RENO I would really, really, really like to get laid one last time. Castro and Reno look into each other's eyes and then embrace and begin making out. They fall out of frame. RENO [Off camera] OHHHHHH SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAST I FOUND YOOOOOOOOU! EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Liam, Hilter, Kevin, Juan Miguel, and Lazaro are watching Hellian about to end the world. HELLIAN NOW YOU PUNY MORTALS! PREPARE TO MEET THE SWEET COLD EMBRACE OF DEATH! CASTRO [off camera] WHOPPIE!!! HELLIAN What the...!? Hellian's power begins to fade and he begins to fall to Earth. HELLIAN NO! NO! NOT THIS! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! IT'S... IT'S... DISGUSTING! I'M LOOSING MY POWER! I'M DYING!!! DYING!!! AHHHHHHH!!! DAMN YOU JANET RENO AND YOUR LIBEDO! DAMN YOU! Hellian turns back into Elian and falls to Earth. Liam, Lazero, and Juan Miguel run to catch him. LAZERO I've got him! JUAN MIGUEL No! Yo lo capture'! LAZERO No, ME! JUAN MIGUEL ME! They both dive and catch Elian simultaneously. They look at each other. LAZERO Looks like we BOTH got him! Juan Miguel looks at Lazero and grins. FADE TO INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Hilter, Kevin, Lazero, Juan Miguel, Elian, and Liam are there. Marisleysis is unconscious on the floor. KEVIN Well, I hope you learned a valuable lesson. LAZERO Indeed we did. Instead of fighting, we should be working together like a family should do. LIAM What will you do now? Stay in the US? Go to Cuba? LAZERO JUAN MIGUEL Stay in the US. Voy a Cuba. Lazero and Juan Miguel glare at each other. LAZERO America! JUAN MIGUEL CUBA! LAZERO America! JUAN MIGUEL CUBA! LAZERO America! JUAN MIGUEL CUBA! ELIAN Lo sobresalta otra vez! (Here we go again!) Juan Miguel and Elian exit. Lazero grabs Marisleysis by the hair and drags her out the door. HILTER Well, it's late. I'm going to bed. KEVIN Me too. Liam, I don't know why, but I feel like I've just become a part of something... something I just know is going to open up all avenues of adventures and stupidity. Something I just know I'm going to regret. I feel as if I'm going to become a common fixture around here and, through all sorts of contrived and idiotic means, I'm going to be dragged into all sorts of dangerous and sticky situations that will lead to humiliation and perhaps my own death. LIAM Uh-huh. Well, okay. There is an uncomfortable pause. LIAM Good-night! KEVIN Uh, right. See ya at the restaurant. HILTER And then I'll drive you to the emergency room, Liam. Kevin and Hilter exits. Liam goes to the bedroom. INT. THE BEDROOM In the darkness, we can barley see Liam tiptoe through the room and climb into bed. RENO Oh, Fidel! LIAM YAAAAAAAAAAH!!! LET GO! LET GO! THE END ROLL CREDITS