FADE IN

EXT: CIRCUS, CIRCUS CASINO.
It's a beautiful day in Las Vegas.  The sun is shining and all of the
tourists, hookers, pickpockets, and panhandlers are in high spirits.

INT: CIRCUS, CIRCUS CASINO
Dozens of people are plunking thousands of quarters a second into slot
machines.  One of them hits and old lady begins to do backflips until
she is accompanied by several clowns and a bear balancing on a beach
ball.  A song begins to play in the background and all of the patrons of
Circus, Circus begin to sing and dance.

		OLD LADY
		(Sung to the tune of Smash Mouth's "All
		Star")
	Some-body hit the jackpot and yes, I think it's meee,
	Just look at all the cash that I goooot!

		MAN IN SUIT
	All it took was just one quarter and now you got a million,
	I'm from the I.R.S., you've been caaaaaaught!

The man in the suit cuffs the old lady and takes her away to tax the
crap out of her.  The song continues.

		CLOWN
	Well, the drinks keep flowin' and the game keeps goin',
	You can spend your life savings without even knowing!
	So much moola so much free cash!
	We make it without battin' a lash!
	You'll never know if you don't roll!

The clown is standing by a craps table.

		CROWD AT CRAPS TABLE
	ROLL!!!

		MAN AT CRAPS TABLE
		[not singing]
	CRAPS!

		CROWD
		[not singing]
	Awwwwwww.

		CLOWN
		[singing to the people at the craps table]
	And you're always gonna stay po'!

The clown is joined by gamblers, other clowns, casino security, IRS men,
lions, tigers, and bears (oh, my!) in a huge dance number.

		DANCERS
	Hey now!  You're broke now!
	Get your stuff packed!
	Get out!
	Hey now!  You've been bled dry!
	But don't cry!
	Be swell!

		SECURITY GUYS
	The gamblers are now poooooooor!

		CLOWNS
	You've lost your fuuuuunds...
	Try again!

The music stops and everyone goes back to gambling, security stuff, and
circus acts.  The camera pans over and we see Liam dealing at a backjack
table with Circus, Circus employee, BIPPO THE CLOWN.

		LIAM
	Do they always do that?

		BIPPO
	You'll get used to it.

		LIAM
	They're awfully excitable.

		BIPPO
	You should've seen them during the Donald Trump 
	incident of '96!  It took three hours just to 
	get the smile off of the IRS goons!

		LIAM
	He lost a lot of money?

		BIPPO
	No, he let them borrow Marla Maples!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
OPENING CREDITS

SUNG TO THE THEME OF "BATMAN"

Na na na na na na na na LI-AM!!!
Na na na na na na na na LI-AM!!!
LI-AM!!!  LI-AM!!!  LI-AM!!!
Na na na na na na na na na na na...
LIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

OLÉ!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith"

and
Ed Asner as "Mister Hilter"

Guest Starring

Jason Donner as "Donner"

RuPaul as "Chocolate Treat"

Conan O'Brien as himself

and
Andy Richter as himself

Special Appearances by

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Kenny Rogers

The Backstreet Boys

and special guest star

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

INT: Circus, Circus Casino
Liam is finishing a game of blackjack with a patron.

		PATRON
	Hit me.

Liam deals him a card.

		LIAM
	That makes twenty one.

		PATRON
	I'll stand.

Liam turns over his cards.

		LIAM
	House has twenty.  House takes a hit.

Liam deals himself a card.

		LIAM
	An ace...  that makes thirty-one... right?

		PATRON
	Er...  right.

The patron quickly garbs his winnings and runs away.

		LIAM
	Aces are worth eleven... right?
		[he checks his rulebook]
	Oh, eleven AND one... so that would have made...
		[he counts on his fingers]
	Twenty-two... I think.

DONNER sits at Liam's table.

		DONNER
	Hey, Liam.  What's shaking?

		LIAM
	Don, what's twenty plus one?

		DONNER
	Twenty-one.

		LIAM
	CRAP!!!

		DONNER
	No, blackjack Liam.  It's Blackjack.

		LIAM
	You wanna play?

		DONNER
	No.  I just stopped by to see what you're 
	doing.  So, you work here?

		LIAM
	Yep!  I'm a blackjack dealer now.

		DONNER
	Oh.  So how's the job going?

		LIAM
	Good.  I get paid today!

		DONNER
	Raking in the big bucks?

		LIAM
	I should!  According to my calculations, I 
	should make $10,0000!

Liam shows Donner his calculations.

		DONNER
	Uh, Liam... you're supposed to put a 
	decimal right there.

Donner points to where it should go.

		LIAM
		[looks]
	Oh... so I'm only making $1000.00?

		DONNER
	That's about the size of it.
		[his pager goes off]
	What the...?
		[he looks]
	Cool!  I gotta go.  The dog from Frasier is riding 
	the dolphin from seaQuest at the Luxor tonight.  
	Have fun!

Donner leaves.

CUT TO:
INT. CIRCUS, CIRCUS OFFICES:
Liam picks up his paycheck and looks at it.

		LIAM
	WHAT!?  FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!?

Liam marches up to a teller

		LIAM
	Excuse me, I was supposed to get...

		TELLER
	One thousand dollars minus health insurance, 
	dental, accidental death, uniform, training, 
	parking, and the general stupidity tax which 
	you violated no less than twelve times in the 
	past three hours.  Plus, minus federal and state 
	taxes.

		LIAM
	But... But...

		TELLER
		[her watch beeps]
	Oops!  That's my coffee break!

		LIAM
	But!

The teller slams the door down smashing Liam's fingers.  Liam howls in
pain and pulls and pulls until he jerks free and into a man walking on
ten foot stilts.  The guy falls over onto a table which rockets a
wedding cake into the air and onto Liam's head.  Liam stumbles backwards
into a cart full of silver dollars which rolls out onto the Las Vegas
strip and is hit by a bus.  The bus careens into the Riveria and into
the performing auditorium where Kenny Rogers is singing.

		KENNY ROGERS
	What the...!?

The bus crushes Kenny Rogers.

		AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
	Oh my god!  They killed Kenny!

		AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
	YOU BASTARDS!!!

Back in Circus Circus, Liam gets up, wipes the cake out of his eyes, and
stumbles home.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK

- A man stands on the sidewalk minding his own business.  Suddenly, he
bursts into flames and wails painfully as his skin melts and his organs
are turned into blackened powder.  After a few more agonizing seconds,
he falls to the ground dead but still burning.

Got milk?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is sitting on his couch, his head in his hands and weeping softly. 
The doorbell rings.

		LIAM
	Come in.

Chocolate Treat enters.

		TREAT
	Hey honey, what's wrong?  You seem upset.

		LIAM
	Chocolate Treat, I'm making half the money 
	I was promised when I moved here!  At this rate, 
	I'm never going to be able to pay my rent!

		TREAT
	Oh... that's sad, honey.  You know what you 
	should do?  Get an extra job on the side.

		LIAM
	A second job?

		TREAT
	Lot's of people take extra jobs!  Take me for 
	example.... in addition to being a hooker, I 
	also work at a daycare center.  If you're not 
	making enough money, maybe you should try it.


		LIAM
	Well, I'm not making enough money at Circus, 
	Circus... I need to get some cash on the side.

		TREAT
	You ever consider hoin', honey?

		LIAM
	You mean like...?

		TREAT
	Hoeing weeds on a farm.  There's a few on the 
	outskirts of town.

		LIAM
	Sounds hard.

		TREAT
	Okay, try thinking of something you like.  
	Something that brings you the most joy!

		LIAM
	Okay... let me think...

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
Liam is lying in bed.  A look of pleasure crosses his face.

		LIAM
	Oh yeah... Yeah, baby... you KNOW what I like 
	and how I like it!

Camera pans down to a puppy licking Liam's foot.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
Liam's Apartment.  As before.

		LIAM
	THAT'S IT!

Liam jumps up and runs out the door.  Chocolate Treat sits on the couch
for a second and then picks up the phone and dials.

		TREAT
	Hello, mom?  It's me... Chocolate Treat.
		[a pause]
	Fine.  How are you?
		[a pause]
	And how are things in New York?
		[a pause]
	Yeah, it's long distance.
		[a pause]
	Yeah, I can afford it.
		[a pause]
	Oh, you're about to eat dinner?  That's okay, 
	Mom, I can hold.

CUT TO:
Luxor Casino.  Donner is in the audience watching the dog from Frasier
ride the dolphin from seaQuest.  He looks up and sees a plane flying
overhead with a banner that reads:  LIAM'S KENNEL: TRUST YOUR DOG TO A
MAN WHO KNOWS DOGGY STYLE.

		DONNER
	Okay, on one hand... I could ignore it, but 
	on the other...  this is going to be the most 
	hilarious damned thing I've seen since Kenny G 
	played the Apollo!

CUT TO:
Liam's apartment a few hours later.  Dozens of dogs are running back and
forth barking and tearing up pillows and the trash and anything else
they can get their paws on.  The doorbell rings.

		LIAM
		[off stage]
	Coming!

Liam runs out of the bedroom.  A growling Chihuahua has latched onto his
finger and a horny sheepdog is humping his leg.  Neither one of them
wants to let go.  Liam finally opens the door.

		LIAM
	Yes!?

CONAN O'BRIEN AND ANDY RITCHER enter.

		LIAM
	Hey!  You're Conan and Andy!  I watch your 
	show all the time!

		CONAN
	That's great kid.  Listen, Andy and I are going 
	out of the country for a few days and we need 
	your services.

		LIAM
	Really?  What attracted you to my business?

		ANDY
	Well, the words "doggy style" for one.

		LIAM
	Well, Conan and Andy, you can count on me!  
	What kind of dog do you have?

		CONAN
	A very special kind of dog, Liam.  TRIUMPH!!!

TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG enters.  He looks around and then at Liam.

		TRIUMPH
	What a DUMP!!!

		CONAN
	Now Triumph, be nice!  You're a guest here.

		TRIUMPH
	Of course.
		[to Liam]
	You have a nice apartment...
		[a pause]
	...for me to poop on!

		ANDY
	TRIUMPH!!!

		TRIUMPH
	Oh, come on tator tot!  I'm just trying to 
	break the ice!

		CONAN
		[to Liam]
	Do you think you can handle him?

		LIAM
	I don't see why not.  Triumph, why don't you 
	just make yourself at home.

		TRIUMPH
	Not a bad idea, buddy!

Triumph walks over to the couch and hikes his leg.

		CONAN
	TRIUMPH!

		TRIUMPH
	What!?  He said make myself at home!

		ANDY
		[gives Liam a piece of paper]
	Here's the number you can reach us at in 
	case of an emergency.

		CONAN
	C'mon, Andy!  We're going to miss our plane!

		ANDY
	Right.  Triumph, you behave yourself!  Don't make a 
	stink!

		TRIUMPH
	Oopise!  I already made a big stink in the shoes 
	behind the bedroom door!

		LIAM
	Don't worry, guys, I can handle him.  You two have
	a good time... in... wherever you're going.

Conan and Andy leave just as Donner enters.

		DONNER
	Hey Conan... Hey Andy.

		CONAN & ANDY
		[exiting]
	Hey, Donner.

		LIAM
	Donner?  What are you doing here?

		DONNER
	I heard it, but I didn't believe it!  Liam, 
	you're running a kennel out of your apartment?

		LIAM
	I think it's a good idea!

		TRIUMPH
	...FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!

		DONNER
	Oh, hey Triumph.

		TRIUMPH
	Hey.

		LIAM
	I needed extra cash... this was the only thing I 
	could think of doing.

		DONNER
	...and what has Mister Hilter said about this?

		LIAM
	Why would he object?

		DONNER
	Oh, maybe because he's the LANDLORD and this 
	is his building.  You know, he might find 
	something wrong with say, the cocker spaniel 
	over there puking on the rug.

		TRIUMPH
		[snickering]
	COCKER!  Man, even though I'm a DOG, that still 
	cracks me up!

		LIAM
	Oh my god!  I never thought about what Mister 
	Hilter would say!  Well, I guess if he doesn't 
	come up here and look around until I get rid 
	of all these dogs I ought to be okay.

There is a knock on the door.

		HITLER
		[off stage]
	LIAM!!!  THOSE BETTER NOT BE DOGS I'M HEARING 
	IN THERE!

Liam panics and grabs Donner by the shirt

		LIAM
	Donner!  What do I do!?  What do I do!?

		DONNER
	What are you asking me for?

		HILTER
		[off stage]
	LIAM!!! OPEN THIS DOOR!!!

		LIAM
		[to door]
	Just a minute! 
		[to himself]
	OKay...  THINK Liam, THINK!  This is just one 
	of those classic "Three's Company" moments when 
	John Ritter and the two hot chicks keep a puppy 
	away from Mister Roper...  only in this case, 
	I'm John Ritter, Mister Hilter is Mister Roper, 
	and Donner and Triumph are the two hot chicks...  
	what should I do!?  I've got it!  I'll stall!

		HILTER
		[off stage]
	LIAM!  QUIT STALLING AND OPEN THIS DOOR!!!

		LIAM
	Just a second!
		[to Triumph]
	Triumph, you get all the dogs in the bathroom 
	and tell them to be quite!

		TRIUMPH
	Hey, what do I look like?  Your bitch?

		HILTER
		[off stage]
	Liam, I'm going to count to three!  One... 
	Two... THREE!

Hilter breaks down the door and sees all the dogs.

		LIAM
	This isn't what you think!

		DONNER
	It's much, much worse!

		HILTER
	LIAM!  You know that Upda Creek Apartments 
	do not allow dogs!

		TRIUMPH
	Hey!  You allowed Liam!

		LIAM
	Please, Mister Hitler, I can explain!

		HILTER
	It's HILTER... Okay, explain... and make it 
	good!

		LIAM
	You see...

		DONNER
		[interrupting]
	...it's like this, Mister "H", this is Triumph 
	the Insult Comic Dog from Late Night with Conan 
	O'Brien.  You know?

		HILTER
	What Night with Who?

		DONNER
	Forget it.  Anyways, Triumph is a big star and 
	we were all hanging out at Baley's... you know, 
	where I live in the Presidential Suite... when 
	all of the sudden, a fire broke out and we all 
	evacuated to here!  Liam was kind enough to let 
	Me, Triumph, and the dogs stay until the fire 
	was put out.

		HILTER
	Is that true, Liam?

		LIAM
	I guess so.

		HILTER
	Okay... I'll buy your story for now but I'd 
	better read about a fire at Baley's in tomorrow's 
	paper or, Liam, you can find another place to live!

		LIAM
	Noted!

Hilter exits.

		LIAM
	I am soooooo screwed!  When Mister Hilter sees 
	that there wasn't a fire at Baley's, he's going 
	to kick me out!
		[a thought]
	Unless...!

Liam picks up a phone and dials.

CUT TO:
BIPPO THE CLOWN'S APARTMENT
Bippo (still in clown make-up) picks up the ringing phone.

		BIPPO
	Yellow?

		LIAM
		[over phone]
	Bippo!?  It's Liam.

		BIPPO
	Liam!  How's it hanging?

		LIAM
	I need a favor...  I heard from the Lion Tamers 
	that you're a little unbalanced... you know, 
	a pyromaniac.

		BIPPO
	Uh-huh.

		LIAM
	Could you maybe start a small fire at Balley's?

		BIPPO
		[strikes a match]
	Consider it done.

Bippo hangs up and turns to the camera.  The lights in his room turn a
hellish red as he begins to laugh maniacally.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK

- They brought you Pokemon, we brought you Digimon!  They brought you
The X-Files, we brought you Psi-Factor!  They brought you Sliders, we
brought you Stargate SG1!  That's right, we're evil!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

INT: LIAM'S APARTMENT

Donner, Liam, and Triumph are watching TV.

		TV
	...and, as we continue our broadcast of 
	the massive four-alarm fire that has engulfed 
	Balley's, WTAX has just discovered that the 
	Backstreet Boys have been trapped on the top 
	floor.  We now go live to Chopper Three!

CAMERA SHOWS ACTION ON TELEVISION

		PILOT
	Thanks Joan, Chopper Number Three has just 
	air-lifted the Backstreet Boys off of the 
	towering inferno and is just now lowering 
	them to the ground.  It appears, for the 
	moment, that tragedy had been averted.

The helicopter sets the Backstreet Boys on the ground.  They are soon
mobbed by a wave of 17-year-old fans.

		PILOT
	OH MY GOD!!!  The crowd has just swept over 
	the Backstreet Boys!  They're being torn apart 
	limb by limb!  Oh, the humanity!  This is terrible!

The picture cuts back to the anchorwoman.

		ANCHORWOMAN
	...and we'll have continuing coverage of BACKSTREET 
	BOYS MASSACRE '99 throughout the week with this snazzy 
	computer generated graphic!

The words BACKSTREET BOYS MASSACRE 1999 appear in an elaborate CGI
sequence.

One of the screaming fans holds up one of the Backstreet Boy's severed
heads as Liam turns off the channel.

		TRIUMPH
	At least nothing of value was damaged!

		LIAM
	Donner, you really saved my bacon!  I mean, 
	if you hadn't told Mister Hilter what you 
	told him, I'd be living on the street now.

		DONNER
	Well, you know...

		LIAM
	No, I mean it... You're a real pal.

		TRIUMPH
	For Christ's sake, would you like me to leave 
	you alone so you can hump his leg, Liam?

		LIAM
	That won't be necessary.

		DONNER
	Good.  So, how's your cash situation now?

		LIAM
	It's good!  I made enough money from the kennel 
	to pay the next two months rent!  All I have to 
	do is pay the phone bill now!

Liam walks over to a table to get the phone bill.  He stops and looks
down.

		LIAM
	Triumph, please tell me this is water on the 
	floor!

		TRIUMPH
	Well... it WAS water about ten hours ago!

Liam gets the phone bill and sits on the couch.  He opens it and his jaw
drops.

		LIAM
	Oh, NO!!!

		DONNER
	What is it?

		TRIUMPH
	It's a phone bill, Einstein!

		LIAM
	...and it's for seven hundred dollars!

		DONNER
		[snatches the bill away from Liam]
	REALLY?  How!

		TRIUMPH
		[Looking at bill]
	1-900-SPANK-ME?

		DONNER
	1-900-ASSLICIOUS?

		TRIUMPH
	1-900-SMELLY-BUM?

		DONNER
	Oh look!  1-900-HANSON-RULZ!

		TRIUMPH
	What a dork!

		LIAM
		[looking at bill]
	Hey, look at this call!  $465.67 for a call 
	to New York?  I never made that call!

		DONNER
	Hey, you should go to the phone company and 
	get them to take it off.

		LIAM
	I can do that?

		TRIUMPH
	Yeah, and if they don't change it for you... 
	bite them on their fat tushies!

		LIAM
		[jumps up]
	I WILL!!!

Liam grabs his phone bill and marches out.

INT. THE PHONE COMPANY
Liam marches in and slams the phone bill on the counter.

		LIAM
	I didn't make this call to New York and I 
	DEMAND that you strike it off my bill!

		OPERATOR
	Oh, do you?

The operator snaps her fingers and two muscular goons enter and begin
pounding Liam into the linoleum.

		OPERATOR
	We don't take orders from you or anyone!  
	We're the PHONE COMPANY!!!

FADE OUT

FADE IN:
Liam's Apartment.  Caption reads "TWO WEEKS LATER"
Liam is lying in bed in a full body cast.  Triumph is standing on his
chest.

		TRIUMPH
	Man, those goons did a number on you!  You 
	look worse than a recently neutered great dane!

		LIAM
	Triumph.... just leave me alone!

		TRIUMPH
	Nonsense!  You took care of me and now I'm going 
	to take care of you until Conan and Andy get back!

		LIAM
	You don't have to.

		TRIUMPH
	Yes I do.

		LIAM
	No you don't.  I've got enough money to pay my 
	rent and I don't need to run the kennel.

		TRIUMPH
	Don't talk me out of it Liam!  Under my care, 
	you will heal in no time!  In fact, you look 
	better already...
		[a pause]
	FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!

CUT TO:
EXT: UPDA CREEK APARTMENT

		LIAM
	Triumph...!?  TRIUMPH!!!   NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

		TRIUMPH
	Yeah!  Who's the bitch now!?

FADE OUT

THE END

ROLL CREDITS