FADE IN

EXT: CIRCUS, CIRCUS CASINO.
Another beautiful day in Las Vegas.

INT: CIRCUS, CIRCUS CASINO
LIAM, BIPPO THE CLOWN, and THAD are on break watching the people in the
casino gamble and have a good time.

		THAD
	So, how have things been going with you two?

		BIPPO
	Bad.  I accidentally violated my parole.

		LIAM
	How'd you do that?

		BIPPO
	I cut off a man's penis.

		LIAM
	You WHAT!?

		BIPPO
	I cut off a man's penis.  It was because I was 
	the victim of years of abuse and neglect at his 
	hands, but I have every confidence that Sipowitz 
	will take my side in saying that it was justifiable
	and that I was only temporarily insane.

		LIAM
	Sipowitz?

		BIPPO
	Sipowitz?  Oh, wait!  That wasn't me!  That was 
	NYPD Blue!  I must have been confused!  I
	didn't violate my parole!
		[a beat]
	...so why did I cut off that man's penis?

		THAD
	How about you, Liam?  What's happened with 
	you recently?

		LIAM
	I saw a ghost, fought Satan with Jesse Ventura, 
	had a fight with my dead hamster, started a 
	kennel, met Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter, 
	and got pooped on by Triumph the insult comic 
	dog after I told Bippo to burn down Balley's 
	to cover up a lie I told.

Thad takes Liam's coffee away from him.

		THAD
	Okay, I think you've had quite enough.

JENNA BANE, the floor supervisor, strolls up to them.

		JENNA
	Hello boys.

		LIAM, THAD, and BIPPO
	Hello Miss Bane.

		JENNA
	...and how are my little employees today?

		LIAM, THAD, and BIPPO
	Fine.

		JENNA
	Any problems?

		LIAM
	Well...

		JENNA
	You say something Larry?

		LIAM
	It's Liam.

		JENNA
	Whatever.

		LIAM
	Well, when I came here to work I was promised 
	a thousand dollars a week and so far I'm only 
	getting half that much.  I was wondering if it 
	would be possible for me to get a raise.

		JENNA
	A raise?  Bwaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!!!

		LIAM
	I simple yes or no would do.

		JENNA
	I tell you what, Leo, I'll give you a raise if 
	you can do one simple thing for me.

		LIAM
	What's that?

		JENNA
	I want you to...
		[she thinks]
	...to...
		[she spys a Capeman action 
		figure in the gift shop]
	...I want you to find out what the secret identity 
	of Capeman is!

		THAD
	Capeman!?  Las Vegas's resident superhero?  
	That's impossible!  Wise men have pondered 
	that question for years and have never been 
	able to solve it!

		LIAM
	Well then, I guess it shouldn't take me more 
	than five minutes.
		[to Jenna]
	Okay, I'll do it!

		JENNA
	Fine.  You discover the identity of Capeman, 
	and I will give you a raise.  Agreed?

		LIAM
	Agreed!

Liam and Jenna shake on it.  Jenna leaves.

		BIPPO
	Liam, you're crazy!  And that means a lot 
	coming from me!

		THAD
	Bip's right, Liam.  I mean, come on!  YOU 
	are going to discover the secret identity 
	of Capeman?  That's ludicrous!

		LIAM
	Ah, but you see, my friends, that is what 
	separates me from you!  I strive for excellence 
	and I never say no to a challenge.  No, this 
	is my mission now!  I must learn the secret 
	identity of CAPEMAN!!!  Yeah, that's the kind 
	of thing that's going to take me places while 
	people like you, Thad, wallow in these demeaning 
	dead-end jobs!

		THAD
	You know, Liam, I am your supervisor.

		LIAM
	I'm sorry, sir.

FADE OUT

------------------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG [sung to the theme of "The Smurfs"]

La la la la la la la la la Li-am,
La la la la la la la Li-am,

[repeat a nauseating number of times]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith"

and
Ed Asner as "Mister Hilter"

Guest Starring

Jason Donner as "Donner"

Robert Floyd as "Bippo the Clown"

and
Mike Nelson as "Thad"

Special Appearances by

Cuba Gooding Jr.
as
"Liam's Subconscious"

Billy Blanks
as
"Rock"

and
Dolf Lungren
as
"Tank"

and special guest stars

Malcolm McDowell
as
"The Art Dealer"

and
Marina Sirtis
as
"Jenna"

FADE IN: LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is sitting at his couch with a pencil and a piece of paper jotting
down names and crossing them out trying to figure out who Capeman is. 
The doorbell rings, Liam answers it.  DONNER is there.

		DONNER
	Hey, Liam.  Have you got replacement batteries
	for a gold plated and diamond-studded Rolex?
	Oh, who am I kidding?  OF COURSE YOU DON'T!!!

		LIAM
	Why do you torment me so?

		DONNER
	I have tons of free time and tons of money!
	HA! HA! HA!


		LIAM
	Donner, do you know who Capeman is?

		DONNER
		[shocked]
	whu-what?

		LIAM
	Capeman!  You know, the big guy in the 
	purple and gold tights and mask that swoops 
	in and saves the day when evil rears it 
	ugly head?

		DONNER
	Why do you want to know Capeman's secret 
	identity?

		LIAM
	My boss says that if I can figure out who 
	Capeman is, I'll get a raise!

		DONNER
	A raise?

		LIAM
	No, a raise!

		DONNER
	Liam, if you ask me... I think that Capeman's 
	identity is something that should be kept 
	secret.  I mean, just think about the number 
	of evil villains that would torment him and 
	his family day and night if they were to find 
	out who he was!

		LIAM
	Oh, stop being selfish!  This is me we're 
	talking about!  What are you doing here, 
	anyway?

		DONNER
	I stopped by to tell you that since Balley's 
	burned down, I've moved to the MGM Grand.  
	I'd appreciate it if you and Bippo didn't do 
	anything to it without giving me enough notice 
	so I can move my stuff!

		LIAM
	Next time I need to destroy a major Las Vegas 
	casino, I'll keep it in mind.

		DONNER
	Good.
		[a pause]
	I have to go now.

Donner runs out the door quickly.  Liam sits back down on the couch and
looks over his list.

		LIAM
	Let's see...  Capeman is a male about six 
	feet tall...  kind of like Don...
		[he crosses out a few names on his list]
	He's got brown hair and eyes...  kind of 
	like Donner's.
		[he crosses out a few more names]
	...and he's got those adorable dimples on his 
	cheeks just like the ones that Donner has!
		[he crosses out a few more names]
	So...  this leaves only one option.  Whoever 
	looks just like Donner, HAS to be Capeman!

There's a knock at Liam's window.

		LIAM
	...the hell?

Liam puts down his pad and pencil and goes to the window.  He opens the
curtain to reveal CAPEMAN floating outside his apartment.

		LIAM
	CAPEMAN!!!

		CAPEMAN
	YES!!!  Tis I, CAPEMAN!!!

		LIAM
	What are you doing here?

		CAPEMAN
	I just learned that you are trying to uncover 
	my secret identity.

		LIAM
	Yeah, my boss said she'd give me a...

		CAPEMAN
	...raise.  Yes, I know.

		LIAM
	Is that why you're here?

		CAPEMAN
	Liam, my boy, I've come to ask you to cease 
	your pursuit.  Please, my mask is all I have...  
	well, that and the millions of dollars a year 
	I make superheroing...  but that's beside the 
	point!

		LIAM
	But, Capeman... you're so powerful and strong!  
	Why DO you need a secret identity?

		CAPEMAN
		[pats Liam on the head]
	It's a superhero thing.  You wouldn't understand.

Capeman flies away and Liam shuts the window.  He sits on the couch
again, but the doorbell rings and Liam has to get up and answer it. 
HILTER enters.

		LIAM
	Oh, hello Mister Hilter.

		HILTER
	Hilter, Liam.

		LIAM
	Right.

		HILTER
	Liam, I thought I saw Capeman at your window.  
	Is everything all right?

		LIAM
	Everything's fine.  He was just asking me to 
	stop prying into his secret identity.

		HILTER
	Oh... trying to figure out who Capeman REALLY 
	is, huh?  Well, many a men have tried and failed.

		LIAM
	Have you?

		HILTER
	No.  But if I did, I would automatically suspect 
	someone rich who has no discernible source of 
	income and fit Capeman's description.  Also, I 
	would automatically suspect anyone who was never 
	around when Capeman was.

		LIAM
	But that could be anyone!

		HILTER
	Look, I really don't give a crap!  I think this 
	whole pursuit of yours is stupid.

		LIAM
	It's for a raise.

		HILTER
	Oh, well... in that case, good luck!

Hilter slams the door on his exit.  A piece of the ceiling conks Liam on
the head and he falls to the floor with an audible thud.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
A vast starfield.  Liam is floating in nothingness.

		LIAM
	What?  Where am I?

Behind Liam, Hilter's head appears and floats in space.

		HILTER
	...automatically suspect someone rich...
		[echoing]
	...rich.  ...rich.  ...rich.

Donner appears.

		DONNER
	Have you got replacement batteries for a 
	gold plated and diamond-studded Rolex?
		[echoing]
	...Rolex?  ...Rolex?  ...Rolex?

		HILTER
	...no discernible source of income...
		[echoing]
	...income.  ...income.  ...income. 

		DONNER
	I have tons of free time and tons of money!
		[echoing]
	...money.  ...money.  ...money.

		HILTER
	...and fit Capeman's description...
		[echoing]
	....description.  ...description.  ...description.

		LIAM'S VOICE
	Whoever looks just like Donner, HAS to be Capeman!
		[echoing]
	...man!  ...man!  ...man!

		LIAM
	Cool!  I said that without my lips moving!

		HILTER
	I would automatically suspect anyone who 
	was never around when Capeman was.
		[echoing]
	...was.   ...was.  ....was.

		DONNER
	I have to go now.
		[echoing]
	...now.  ...now.  ...now.

Hilter and Donner vanish leaving Liam alone.

		LIAM
	Okay, obviously my subconscious is trying 
	to tell me something...  but what?

The stars rearrange themselves to spell out DONNER IS CAPEMAN!!!

		LIAM
	What could it be?  I'm stumped!

Someone taps Liam on the shoulder.

		LIAM
	Wha...?  Who are you?

Liam spins around and sees a man in a gold suit.  This is Liam's
SUBCONSCIOUS.

		SUBCONSCIOUS
	What's up!  I'm yo subconscious, baby!

		LIAM
	Why do you look like Cuba Gooding Jr.?

		SUBCONSCIOUS
	Hey, don't ask me, man.  This is your head!

		LIAM
	If you're my subconscious, you can tell me 
	what this vision is trying to tell me!

		SUBCONSCIOUS
	Hey, yeah!
		[he rolls his eyes]
	We wouldn't wanna leave it TOO VAGUE for you!

Subconscious grabs Liam by the lapels and hoists him to his feet.

		SUBCONSCIOUS
	DONNER IS CAPEMAN, EINSTEIN!!!  THAT'S WHAT 
	WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!  WHAT, ARE YOU 
	TOO STUPID TO KNOW WHAT YOUR OWN BRAIN IS 
	TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!

		LIAM
	Donner?  Capeman?  Oh my god!  It all makes 
	perfect sense now!

		SUBCONSCIOUS
	So what are you gonna do?

		LIAM
	I'm going to expose Donner as Capeman!

		SUBCONSCIOUS
	And what are you gonna get?

		LIAM
	A raise!

		SUBCONSCIOUS
	YEAH!!! Show me the money!

		LIAM
	Please don't...

		SUBCONSCIOUS
	SHOW!  ME!  THE!  MONEY!

		LIAM
	I'm asking you...

		SUBCONSCIOUS
	SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!  SHOW ME THE MONEY!!! 
	SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!  SHOW ME THE...

WHAM!!! A giant two-ton safe falls on and crushes Liam's subconscious.

		LIAM
	I like this whole metaphorical "it's all 
	happening in you head stuff"!  
		[he notices something]
	WHAT THE...!?

A comet flys through and hits Liam.

CUT TO:
LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam awaken and jumps to his feet.

		LIAM
	Donner is Capeman!!!

Liam quickly exits.

FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK

- Bud... weis... er!
- Rice-a-Roni!  The San Fransisco treat!  (ding! ding!)
- Don't squeeze the Charmin, dammit!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

FADE IN
INT. JENNA'S OFFICE
Liam is standing in front of Jenna's desk as she smiles at the news she
has just heard from him.

		JENNA
	So... that swinger guy, Donner, is Capeman.  
	How marvelous.

		LIAM
	So, I get my raise, right?

		JENNA
	Sure, kid.  Sure.  Whatever.  How does a grand 
	sound to you?

		LIAM
	Fine, but I'd rather have the extra thousand 
	dollars instead.

		JENNA
		[a beat]
	Uh-huh.
		[another beat]
	Okay, a thousand dollar raise.  Congratulations, 
	Liam.  You'll go far at Circus, Circus.

Liam and Jenna shake hands.

		LIAM
	Thank you ma'am!

Liam skips out singing.

		LIAM
	I GOT ONE THOUSAND DOLL-ARS!
	I GOT ONE THOUSAND DOLL-ARS!
	I GOT ONE THOUSAND DOLL-ARS!

Liam exits.  Jenna smiles wickedly and dials her telephone.

		JENNA
	Rock.  Tank.  This is Bane.  I have a...
		[a pause]
	I'm fine, Rock.  Listen, I...
		[a pause]
	Yes, I do care if you put me on hold!  
	You're MY evil henchmen!
		[a pause]
	No, I DON'T care if it's your mother!
		[a pause]
	Oh, ALL RIGHT!  Make it quick!
		[a pause while musak plays 
		over the phone]
	YES I'M STILL HERE!  I have a job for the 
	two of you.  I want you to bring me Jason 
	Donner!!!

Music sting.

CUT TO:
CAESAR'S PALACE FORUM SHOPS
Donner is browsing in an art gallery when a snooty dealer walks up to
him.

		DEALER
	Can I help you sir?

		DONNER
	I'm look at this painting right here.

Donner points at a nude in the corner.

		DEALER
	Yes, Nude in Lilacs...  quite a lovely piece.

		DONNER
	You're telling me!  Look at those yahbos!

		DEALER
	Of course, you realize that this piece is quite 
	expensive...

		DONNER
	It should be for gazungas that large!

		DEALER
	...and we are only interested in those people 
	who are seriously considering a purchase.

		DONNER
	How much?

		DEALER
		[chuckles]
	Thirty-thousand dollars.

		DONNER
	Thirty-thousand, huh?  Oh, gee... I AM feeling 
	a little flittery today.  Tell me, my good man, 
	do you accept...  CASH?

Donner opens a briefcase filled will money.

		DONNER
	...and you know the sad thing?  I make all this 
	money doing less than YOU do!

Two large henchmen, ROCK and TANK, walk up, grab Donner, and lift him
off the ground.

		DONNER
	...the HELL!?

		DEALER
	No! No!  He was a paying customer!!!

Rock hits the dealer causing his head to fly off and land in a large
ming vase.

		ROCK
	Dah...  Two points!

Rock and Tank carry Donner away.

CUT TO:
JENNA'S OFFICE:  CIRCUS CIRCUS
Donner is tied to a chair as Jenna, Rock, and Tank hover over him.

		JENNA
	Well, well, well... the mighty Capeman at last.

		DONNER
	Capeman?  I don't know what you're talking about!

		JENNA
	Oh, SPARE me the dramatics, Capeman!  We know 
	that Jason Donner is only a cover and that YOU 
	are Capeman!

		DONNER
	You're delusional, lady.

		JENNA
	Am I?  Perhaps.

		DONNER
	What do you want with Capeman, anyway?  All you 
	are is some middle-man in a casino!

		JENNA
	Noooooo, Mister Donner!  I am much, much more... 
	I am...

Jenna is enveloped by bright green light and transforms into a villain
in a skimpy costume.

		JENNA
	...SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS!  Master of all evil!

SCRIPT NOTE:  JENNA will be called SENESTRA for the rest of the
screenplay.

		DONNER
	YOU'RE SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS?

		SENESTRA
	Yes!!!

		DONNER
	You're the one who vaporized the entire 
	population of Sweden?

		SENESTRA
	I am!!!

		DONNER
	You're the one who killed the last surviving 
	Spotted Owl because it looked at you funny?

		SENESTRA
	The same!!!

		DONNER
	YOU'RE the one who co-wrote Batman and Robin?

		SENESTRA
	PLEASE!  There are things that even I will 
	not do!  But, enough of this idle chatter...  
	as soon as I dispose of you, I will have 
	disposed of Capeman.  ROCK!  TANK!  Kill him.

		TANK
	Any last requests?

		DONNER
	Yeah, how about "Don't kill me?"

Tank and Rock look at each other and then back at Senestra who grits her
teeth and shakes her head no.

		ROCK
	Dah...  I don't think we can do that.

		TANK
	Any other last requests?

		SENESTRA
	FORGET THE LAST REQUESTS AND KILL HIM!!!

		ROCK
	D'oh, all right!

Rock and Tank get out chainsaws, whips, knives, and needles and get
ready to do all sorts of nasty painful things to Donner.  All of the
sudden, Liam walks in.

		LIAM
	Hi!  I left my jacket.
		[sees Donner]
	Wait a minute, what's going on here?

		DONNER
	Liam!  These people are going to kill me!

		LIAM
	So?  Turn into Capeman and stop them!

		DONNER
	If I was Capeman, don't you think I would 
	have DONE THAT ALL READY!?

		LIAM
	Wait a minute...  you're saying that you're...

		DONNER
	I'M NOT CAPEMAN!!!

		LIAM
	But if you're not Capeman, who is?

		DONNER
	How the f-[bleep!]-ck should I know!?

		LIAM
	This is terrible!  I let my greed and 
	selfishness put my friend in danger!  How 
	could I?
		[a beat]
	A thousand dollars.  Oh yeah!  That's it!

		SENESTRA
	Spare us the Kevin Costner speech, Liam!  
	ROCK!  TANK!  Kill him first!

Rock and Tank approach Liam.

		LIAM
	Oh no!  Who will save us now?

		CAPEMAN
	CAAAAAAAAAAAAAPEMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!

		ROCK & TANK
	Duuh-oh!

Capeman crashes though a window, grab Tank and Rock and knocks them
unconscious by hitting their heads together.

		CAPEMAN
	Well, Liam... now I how that you have 
	learned a valuable lesson.

		LIAM
	I have, Capeman.  Though, I'm not quite 
	sure what it is.

In the background, Senestra jumps up and down trying to get noticed.

		CAPEMAN
	I think it has something to do with 
	people's secret lives.

		LIAM
	Ah yes!  From now on, I'll get concrete 
	evidence of what your secret identity is 
	before I sell you out.

		CAPEMAN
	Liam, I think you missed the point.

		LIAM
	I have?

		CAPEMAN
	The moral of the story is this...

Capeman grabs Liam and hold him up against the wall.

		CAPEMAN
	...if you EVER (and I do mean EVER) try to 
	unmask me again, I will use my ice breath 
	like this...

Capeman uses his ice breath and freezes Liam from the neck down.

		CAPEMAN
	...and I will shatter your body like this!

Capeman smashes a concrete pillar with his bare hands.

		CAPEMAN
	Right before I ask, "Any last words?"

		LIAM
	Don't kill me?

		CAPEMAN
	HA!  I laugh!  I will not kill you today, 
	Liam.  No, not today.
		[a beat]
	Now, where's Senestra?

		DONNER
	She got bored and left.

		CAPEMAN
	Damn.  Well, I suppose I should hunt for 
	her before she causes trouble and mayhem 
	again....  but I'm doing Politically Incorrect 
	with Bill Mahr tonight.  Chao, boys!

Capeman crashes through a wall and flies away.  Liam is still frozen
from the neck down.

		LIAM
	S-so cold.  So c-cold.

Donner manages to untie himself and walks over to Liam.

		DONNER
	Wellllll... look at you.

		LIAM
	Donner!  I n-n-need help!

		DONNER
	Wait here.  I'll go get a dolly of a 
	hair dryer or something.

Donner walks off.

		LIAM
	I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!

FADE OUT

------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK

- Have you driven a Ford lately?
- Have you pushed a Chevy lately?
- Have you ever thought of male pattern baldness?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

FADE IN

INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
A frozen Liam is sitting in the middle of the room.  Mister Hilter is
helping Donner pour hot water on Liam trying to defrost him.

		LIAM
	AH!  AH!  AH!  Not on the head!  Not on the 
	head!

		HILTER
	Oh, quit whining!  The water's not even boiling!  
	It hasn't been for over a minute!

		DONNER
	Good news, Liam!  At this pace, you'll be 
	defrosted by Friday...

		LIAM
	Two days!?

		DONNER
	...January 23rd...

		LIAM
	Wha..!?

		DONNER
	...2004.

		LIAM
	Crap.

Mister Hilter pours another pot of scalding water on Liam who howls in
pain.

		LIAM
	Look, Donner, there's just one thing I 
	don't understand.  If you're not Capeman...  
	what DO you do for a living?

		DONNER
	Well, I guess it's okay for me to tell...  
	I'm not Capeman, but I do work WITH Capeman.

		LIAM
	You do?

		DONNER
	I'm his merchandising agent.  I arrange his 
	appearances, action figures, breakfast cereals, 
	and such.  Why, I was just looking over the 
	official "Capeman Masks" the other day...  
	Mister Hilter, you saw me wearing it.

		HILTER
	Oh yes.

		DONNER
	I get a cut of all the profits.

		LIAM
	Of course, it all makes perfect sense!

		DONNER
	As for Capeman, I have no idea WHO he is.

		HILTER
	...and we were never meant to know.

		LIAM
	No, Mister Hilter, I have a feeling that 
	we will find out someday and I have a feeling 
	that Capeman's true identity will shock us all.

		HILTER
	Sure, Liam.

		DONNER
	No, maybe he's right.  Maybe...  Capeman will 
	reveal himself one day.

		LIAM
	When?

Liam, Donner, and Hilter look at each other.

		HILTER & DONNER
	Series finale.

		LIAM
	Huh?

FADE OUT

THE END

ROLL CREDITS