FADE IN

FADE IN
UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Mister Hitler is showing a new tenant, STACY VAVOOM, around the place.

		HILTER
	So far we've got twenty different people 
	living in "Upda Creek" apartments...  
	they're nice folk, but I'd stay away from 
	Bippo the Clown if I were you.

		STACY
	Why is that, Mister Hitler?

		HILTER
	Hilter, darling.  Bippo's a little...  oh, 
	what's the politically correct way to put 
	it?  He's...  off his rocker.  A few fries 
	short of a happy meal.  He's looney tunes.  
	He's nonus in sanus!  He's...

		STACY
	I get the idea.

		HILTER
	Chocolate Treat's a nice... uh... lady...  
	I think.  Then we have Thad Coffey in 1-A.  
	He works at Circus, Circus.  Harry the 
	Handyman lives in 2-A...  that Elvis 
	Impersonator that runs that wedding chapel 
	lives in 3-A...  let's see...  Am I forgetting 
	anyone?

LIAM SMITH enters looking quite happy.

		LIAM
	Hi, Mister Hilter!

		HILTER
	Oh, yes.  Stacy VaVoom, this is Liam Smith.  
	1-B.

		LIAM
	Stacy VaVoom?  Well, as Cisero once said to
	Tolstoy, "Universal ambiguity is the only
	constant to which the Homo Sapian species
	can be adequately judges by the clientele of 
	a deity.  I for one, agree with him in this
	case.

Stacy giggles.

		HILTER
	Did you actually understand that?

		STACY
	No, but his fly's down.

Hilter and Stacy bust up laughing as Liam zips himself up.

		LIAM
	I'll give you my number later.


FADE OUT

------------------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG (Sung to the theme of "The Dukes of Hazzard")

Just a good ol' boy.
With a very small brain.
Well, he always stay and works in Las Vegas
where living's a pain.

Tryin' to surviiiiiiiiiiiive
everyday day that goes by.
And you do know that a celebrity
is gonna die.

Yes you know that a celebrity or two
are gonna die.

OLÉ!

YEEEEEEEEHAW!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith"

and
Ed Asner as "Mister Hilter"

Guest Starring

Rupaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"

Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"

Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"

Special Appearances by

Pierce Brosnan
as
"James Bond, 007"

Judi Dench
as
"M"

Mr. T
as
"Mr. T"

John DeLancie
as
"Q"

and
Micheal York
as
"Doctor Yes"

special guest stars

Kenneth Star
as
"Evil Independent Council Ken Star"

and
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
as
"The Artist Formerly Known as Prince"



INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS CASINO
Camera fades in on a man's hand.  He taps the table twice.

		MAN
	Dealer...  a game of Blackjack if you will.

Camera pans up the mans arm and dramatically reveals that he is JAMES
BOND, 007.

		JAMES BOND
	I'm rather surprised you agreed to this game, 
	Doctor Yes.

James Bond leans back revealing a man in a white suit lovingly petting a
small Chihuahua.  This is the villian, DOCTOR YES

		DOCTOR YES
	I agreed to this game, Mister Bond, because I 
	am a master of backjack and there is no 
	possibility that you can win.

		BOND
	We shall see, Doctor Yutz.

		YES
	Oh... resorting to immature name-calling?  
	How foolishly mundane.
		[a pause, then whispering]
	...you ass-faced horse raper.

		BOND
	DEALER!  We would like to play a game of 
	blackjack!

Camera pans to reveal LAIM SMITH at the dealer position playing a
gameboy.

		GAMEBOY
	Pickachu!

		LIAM
	Oh yes!  I am the Pokémon king!

Doctor Yes snatches the Gameboy away from Liam who reacts as if this is
the first time he has seen the two men waiting to play.

		LIAM
	No!  No!  Pichaku needs me!  Wait a minute... 
	who are you guys?

		YES
	You may call me Doctor Yes... or, as soon as 
	this game is finished, you may call me MASTER 
	OF THE WORLD!

		LIAM
	Why is that, Doctor yes?

		BOND
	Doctor Yes and I made an agreement when he 
	had me straped down on a table targeted by a...

		LIAM
	Whoa, hold that thought...  Look, I have no 
	problem with alternative sexual preferences, 
	but I don't care to hear about...

		BOND
	It's not like that.

		LIAM
	Look... I'm not condemning you.  I think what 	
	you have is a beautiful thing.

		BOND
	Could you please shut up and pay attention?

		LIAM
	Sure.

		BOND
	The Reader's Digest version is that this game 
	will determine whether I live or die.

		YES
	...and if he dies, the last barrier to my 
	total domination of the world will be removed.

		LIAM
	Facinating.

		BOND
	Drop the Gameboy.

Liam drops it.

		LIAM
	Frak.

		BOND
	Deal please.

		LIAM
	Right.

Liam deals.

		BOND
		[Looks at his card.]
	Wha...!?  JOKER!  You were supposed to remove 
	these from the deck!

		LIAM
	Oh, sorry...  here's another.

		YES
	Hit me.

Liam deals him a card.

		YES
	Ah!  Twenty!  Beat that, Mister Bond!

		BOND
	I beleive I will.  As you can see, Doctor Yes, 
	I have been dealt an ace.  I believe I will stay.

		LIAM
	But... you haven't even looked at your bottom card!

		BOND
	I like to live... dangerously.

		YES
	Very well...  Show your card, Mister Bond.

James Bond turns his card over and - without looking at it - smiles
confidently.  Doctor Yes looks.

		YES
	Rules for poker and canasta?

		BOND
	WHAT!?
		[looks at card]
	But... But... But...

		YES
	What a pi-ty, Mister Bond.

Doctor Yes snaps his finger and several henchmen appear and pick James
Bond up out of his chair.

		BOND
	No!  It's was Liam Smith's fault!  Not mine!

The henchmen carry James Bond out the door.  Doctor Yes rises and
follows.

		BOND
	Well, at least tell me your secret plan 
	for World Domination!

		YES
	Oh!  Ho, ho, ho... I'm not falling for THAT 
	one again!

Bond, Yes, and the henchmen exit.

		LIAM
		[watches them leave]
	Ah, yong lovers...

There is a gunshot and the sound of a body hitting the floor.

		P.A.
	Clean up in section four-A, first floor.  
	Repeat: Dead Brittish Spy in section four-A, 
	first floor.

FADE OUT

------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Yeah!  Drop the Chalupa!
- Please watch First Wave...  No one else is!
- Play the State Lottery!  It's the only way you'll retire...  ever!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

FADE IN

LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is sitting on his couch asleep.  Ripple dissolve to:

A MEADOW:
Liam wanders into the scene and looks around.  It's a bright summer day
and romantic music plays in the backgrond.  Liam turns to see a blonde
woman in the distance.  He can tell she is very attractive even thought
she is so far away, we cannot see her face.  Liam recognizes her.

		LIAM
	My God...  it's her!  She's come back to me.

		WOMAN'S VOICE
	Liam...  come to me, Liam...

		LIAM
	I'm coming, Kari!  I'm coming!

Liam runs towards the woman.  Halfway there, he trips and fall face down
in the mud.  A hand juts out of the ground and grabs Liam's throat. 
Liam reacts in horror as a decomposing JAMES BOND climbs out of the
muck.

		BOND
	You KILLED me, Liam!  You KILLED me!

CUT TO:

LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam wakes up screaming.  The camera pulls back and we see he is
surrounded by several BRITTISH AGENTS and M from the 007 movies.

		LIAM
	Am I still dreaming?

		M
	Oh, that you were my boy.

		LIAM
	I don't understand.

		M
	Well, neither do I.  Are you Liam Smith?

		LIAM
	That depends...  are you from Hollywood Video?

		M
	No.

		LIAM
	Then I am Liam Smith.
		[softly]
	Damned Hollywood Video's been trying to get 
	me to return Sliver for months now... 
	but it's MINE!  MINE I TELL YOU!  MINE!!!

		M
	That's very...  oh, what's the word I'm 
	looking for?

		AGENT
	Pathetic?

		M
	Bingo.

		LIAM
	Wait a minute...  I just figured something out.  
	Who are you guys?  What are you doing in my 
	apartment?  You can't just wander in here anytime 
	you damn well please...

CHOCOLATE TREAT enters.

		CHOCOLATE TREAT
	Liam, honey...  I'm going to borrow some sugar.

Cholate Treat walks into the kitchen and returns with a cup of sugar, a
bag of chips, a 2 liter bottle of Coke, and a box of Danish Wedding
Cookies.

		CHOCOLATE TREAT
	Thanks, honey.

Chocolate Treat exits.

		LIAM
	...and violate my personal property and privacy!  
	How dare you!?

		M
	Mister Smith, I am M.

		LIAM
	M?

		M
	M.

		LIAM
	You're named after a letter of the Alphabet?  
	How stupid!

MISTER T breaks down the door.

		MISTER T
	I pity the po' fool who makes fun of my name!

Q from Star Trek appears.

		Q
	Is someone making fun of people with letters 
	for names?

THE ARTIST FORMERY KNOWN AS PRINCE enters.

		THE ARTIST FORMERY KNOWN AS PRINCE
	Hey!  Us people named after letters have feelings to!

		LIAM
	Yeah, but you're name is an unpronouncable 
	androgynous symbol.

		THE ARTIST FORMERY KNOWN AS PRINCE 
	That's because I am so bizzare and unique and...

		Q
	GET OVER YOURSELF!!!

Q snaps his fingers and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince gets turned
inside out and dies a gagging mess of mourge meat on Liam's floor.

		EVERYONE IN ROOM
	Thank you, Q.

		Q
	Anytime.

Q vanishes.  Chocolate Treat enters.

		CHOCOLATE TREAT
	Oh, Liam... I also wanted to borrow...
		[she sees Mister T]
	...row.  ...row.  ...row.

		MISTER T
	I pity the po' fool who...

Chocolate Treat grabs Mister T and kisses him.

		MISTER T
	Wow!  I'll see you guys later!

Mister T and Chocolate Treat skip away.

		M
	What an odd thing.

		LIAM
	Odd?

		M
	Yes... all of the...
		[a beat]
	Nevermind.  Liam, the man you delt 
	blackjack to today.

		LIAM
	James Bond or Doctor Yes?

		M
	Bond.

		LIAM
	Ah.

		M
	He's missing.

		LIAM
	Missing!?  Oh, I bet Doctor Yes is worried 
	sick!

		M
	Actually, we think that Doctor Yes is behind 
	his dissapearence.

		LIAM
	Nooooo...  Doctor Yes and James Bond were 
	so happy together.  I mean, I don't think 
	I'm gay or anything, but a homosexual 
	relationship CAN be a beautiful thing.

M and the agents stare at him.

		M
	Can you take us to where you last saw Mister 
	Bond?

		LIAM
	Sure.

Mister T's bloodcurlding screams filter through the walls.

CUT TO:
An Alley behind Circus, Circus Casino
Liam, M, the agents, and THAD COFFEY are walking towards a dumpster.

		THAD
	Ah, here we are.  Dumpster #13.

Liam jumps inside the dumpster and starts digging.

		M
	What's so special about dumpster #13?

Liam throws a dead body out.

		LIAM
	Nope, that's not him.

		M
	Good God!

		THAD
	This is where we throw out all of the 
	bodies we find in the casino.

Liam throws out two more bodies.

		LIAM
	No...  No... No...

		M
	This is outrageous!  Don't you people have 
	any respect for the dead!?

Liam's head pops up.

		LIAM
	Hey!  This guy still has his wallet!

		THAD
	Dibs on the money!

		LIAM
	Nuh-uh.  Split it with you?

		THAD
	Fine.

		M
	You're all crazy!

		LIAM
	Found him!

Liam throws James Bond's body out of the dumpster.

		M
	Bond!  Then it's true... he is dead.

		THAD
	Yep, he's dead all right.

		LIAM
	Deader than a doornail.

		THAD
	Deader than Mark Hamil's career.

		LIAM
	Deader than...

		M
	Will you two shut up!?

		AGENT
	So, M, what do we do now?

The camera zooms in on M's face.  A wild expression washes over it as
the sound of a stick breaking is heard. (SNAP!)

		M
	Mister Smith?

		LIAM
	Yo?

		M
	You will take Mister Bond's place as 
	secret agent 007.

		AGENTS
	GASP!

		LIAM
	I will?

		M
	Yes...  The world is screwed now anyway so 
	for grins and giggles, why don't you try to 
	save it.  Hell, it's not like you can make 
	things worse!

		AGENT
	M!  Are you nuts!?

		M
	Yes.

M screams and runs down the street pulling her hair out as she runs. 
She bumps into a pedestrian who stumbles into the street.  A bus swerves
to miss him and careens onto the sidewalk.  Pedestrians see it coming
and, screaming, they run into a nearby theater for shelter.  After a
brief pause, the camera pans up to the theater marquee which displays
the words "BRUCE WILLIS IS HAMLET".  There is another scream from the
pedestrians who run back out of the theater and are run down by the bus. 
Bruce Willis runs out after them.

		BRUCE WILLIS
	Aw, COME ON!!!

The marquee collapses and crushes him.

CUT TO:
THE ALLEY
Liam and Thad are splitting the take from the dead man's wallet.

		THAD
	I guess this means the fate of the free 
	world is in your hands, Liam.

		LIAM
	Yep.

Thad starts to walk off

		LIAM
	Hey.  Where're you going?

		THAD
	Canada.

FADE OUT

------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Just do it.
- Just say no.
- Just in case of wetting accidents, use Depends.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXT.  A DESSERT ROAD
A silver souped-up BMW zooms by.

INT. THE CAR
Liam sits in the driver's seat wearing sunglasses and looking very
secret agent-ish.

		LIAM
	This car is awesome!  Rocket boosters, 
	unpuncturable tires, bullet-proof skin, 
	anti-aircraft missiles, and a CD player!  
	Wait a minute...  what is this button?

Liam presses the button which activates an ejection seat and rockets him
into the air.  The driverless car continues down the road.

		LIAM
		[up in the air]
	Well...  That sucked.

Gravity takes hold and Liam begins to fall.  Suddenly, a parachute opens
and his decent is slowed.

		LIAM
	All right!  A parachute!  Now I have nothing 
	to worry about!

MATCH CUT TO:
Liam in the ejection seat floating in the sky on a television screen in
some crosshairs.  The camera zooms out revealing DOCTOR YES and a
HENCHMAN watching the TV.

		HENCHMAN
	He just entered weapons range, Doctor Yes.

		YES
	Excellent.  Use the grabber missile.

		HENCHMEN
	Ja vo, Doctor!

Yes opens his mouth to speak, closes it, looks at the henchman, shakes
his head, and shakes his head.

		YES
	Just... fire.  Okay?

CUT TO:
Liam in the sky.

		LIAM
		[singing]
	Daisy...  Daisy... Give me your answer to...
		[he notices something]
	...the hell?

CUT TO:
A gigantic missile is rocketing towards Liam.  Instead of a warhead,
though, the missile is equipped with a large metal hand.

The missile grabs Liam, turns around, and heads for Doctor Yes's secret
headquarters.

CUT TO:
Doctor Yes's Secret Headquarters.
Yes and four dozen henchmen watch as Liam comes down a large slide and
lands in the middle of the floor.

		LIAM
	Whoa.

		YES
	Greetings, Liam Smith, I am Doctor Yes.

		LIAM
	Oh yeah... the gay guy.

		YES
	Whu...!?

		LIAM
	Look, I understand getting miffed at your 
	life partner, but was killing him really 
	the answer?

		YES
	I am not gay, you idiot!  I am an evil 
	genius bent on world domination!  James 
	Bond was in my way so I KILLED him as I 
	plan on killing you, the new Agent 007!

		LIAM
	Oh.  That does make more sense.  
	Well I...
		[a pause]
	Wait a sec...  How'd you know I was the new 
	double-oh seven?  I only found out a few hours 
	ago.

M enters staggers in quite drunk holding a foot-long strawberry daiquiri
in one hand and a large beer in the other.

		M
	Oh, hello dubba-dubba-dubba-double oh seven!

		LIAM
	M!!!

		YES
	Yes.  Agent M showed up a few hours ago 
	and surrendered Britain to me.  Before 
	she got plastered, she told me all about 
	her mental breakdown and her appointing 
	you the new 007.

		LIAM
	But M!  You just violated international 
	security!

		M
	Security?  Bah!  With you as the new 007 
	we're screwed!  We're all screwed!  WE 
	ARE SO SCREWED!
		[she grabs a henchman]
	Speaking of which...

M drags the henchman into a room.

		HENCHMAN
	No!  No!  NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

The sound of ripping clothing can be heard as the door slams shut.  Liam
and Doctor Yes shutter at the thought of M getting some rumpy-pumpy.

		YES
	Now, Liam Smith, I will put you in an 
	elaborate and easily escapable deathtrap.

		LIAM
	Oh... okay.

CUT TO:
Liam is tied to a tree and blindfolded.  Doctor Yes is pointing a gun at
him.

		LIAM
	Excuse me.

		YES
	What now?

Liam shakes the blindfold off.

		LIAM
	This doesn't seem either elaborate or easily 
	escapable.

		YES
	Look, I'm in a bit of a rush here.  You know, 
	deliver the nuclear warhead to Washington...  
	detonate it... so on and so on...  rule the 
	world with an iron fist... yada, yada, and 
	yada...  pick up clothes at dry cleaners...  
	that sort of thing.
		[Doctor Yes aims gun]
	Any last words?

		LIAM
	Uh... Look behind you.

		YES
	Oh come now, 007, you don't really expect me 
	to fall for that, do you?

		LIAM
	Really, Doctor Yes, look behind you!

		YES
	Your foolish attempt to distract me will not 
	succeed.

		LIAM
	Please look behind you.

		YES
	No.

		LIAM
	Pretty please?

		YES
	Nuh-uh.

		LIAM
	C'mon.

		YES
	I'm not gonna.

		LIAM
	You're funeral.

		YES
	What do you mean, 'my--

Liam's souped-up, abandoned, and until now, forgotten BMW runs Doctor
Yes down and turns him into a red stain.  M enters.

		M
	Well, Liam, it looks like I underestimated 
	you. You truly are secret agent material.  
	Would you like to become the new 007 on a 
	more permanent basis.

		LIAM
	Thanks, but I've all ready got a life, job, 
	and supervillians who want me dead.

		M
	Well, it's a shame to loose you.  I guess 
	we'll just have to cast a new actor in James 
	Bond's role.  I wonder if that English guy 
	from My Best Friend's Wedding is 
	available.

M walks off leaving Liam tied to the tree.

		LIAM
	Well, I guess what really matters is that 
	Democracy is safe and that the nuclear warhead 
	was stopped before it went to Washington.

Off in the distance, Liam sees a UPS truck pick up a warhead-shaped
package with the words "TO WASHINGTON D.C.  FRAGILE.  DO NOT X-RAY"
written on the side.  The truck drives away.

		LIAM
	Aw, crap.  How could this day get any worse?

A rabid squirrel jumps on Liam's head and starts gnawing on his ear.

		LIAM
	OW!  Well, ask a...  OW!  Ask a stupid... OW!  
	Question!  OW!  OW!  OW!  OW!

CUT TO:

EXT - THE WHITE HOUSE
The nuclear warhead package arrives on the front porch.  KEN STARR
greets the delivery man.

		DELIVERY MAN
	Delivery for President Clinton.

		KEN STARR
	I'll take that!

		DELIVERY MAN
	But you're not President Clinton!

		KEN STARR
	True, but this package might be something I 
	can use in my ploy... uh, I mean case 
	to destroy the duly elected president of 
	the United States!!

		DELIVERY MAN
	But... But...

Ken Starr grabs the package, laughs maniacally, and runs over the
horizon where, after a second, there is a bright flash and a large
mushroom cloud.

		DELIVERY MAN
	What, no tip?  Cheap bastard.

FADE OUT

THE END

ROLL CREDITS