THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 1.01 - "REVENGE IS SWEET"
Written by Jason Donner
Based on the Script by Jason Donner
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
The apartment is bare as LIAM, DONNER, and MISTER HILTER
enter. Liam is holding a hamster cage inside which, we see
FLUFFY THE HAMSTER.
HILTER
No large pets, no loud noise, no
wild orgies unless I'm invited and,
finally, no watching Suddenly
Susan.
LIAM
Are the walls so thin that the
sound travels through them?
HILTER
No, Liam... I just hate that show.
LIAM
I understand, Mister Hitler.
HILTER
Hil-ter, Liam... Mister Hil-ter.
Hilter was the scourge of Europe in
the 30's and 40's whereas I will
only be the scourge of you and the
little world that you live in.
LIAM
I understand.
HILTER
I doubt that, but okay...
Mister Hilter exits. Liam sets the cage down and, strangely,
the hamster appears to give him the finger.
DONNER
So, Liam... What do you think of
Las Vegas so far?
LIAM
It's hot, it's loud, it's tacky,
and it's just a glorified tourist
trap built on the bodies of the
victims of the mafia.
DONNER
Great, ain't it?
LIAM
Look, I really could have never
moved here if you hadn't floated me
the loan.
DONNER
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
LIAM
I mean, don't take this the wrong
way, Donner... But I've heard
things about you.
DONNER
Look, if this is about the time at
Michael Jackson's with the bones of
the elephant man in the hyperbolic
chamber, it was my first time on
ecstasy!
LIAM
No, not that... I mean, I've always
heard that you, the head of Donco
industries, was always kind of a
tightwad.
DONNER
A tightwad?
LIAM
Yeah... I mean, the common joke is
that your so tight, if you shoved a
hunk of coal up your ass you'd get
a diamond in three weeks.
Donner writes that down.
DONNER
Three weeks you say?
(a Beat)
Well, to be honest I'm a rich man,
Liam... And I love money. Money is
what powers the world and, most
importantly, makes we attractive to
big busty women.
LIAM
Then why did you give me the loan?
DONNER
I didn't... It was a clerical error
or something. I'm just too damn
lazy to fix the paperwork.
Besides, what's a couple of
thousand to a billionaire such as
myself. Does that make you
jealous?
LIAM
Kind of.
DONNER
Then I have done my job well...
Good day, Liam and WELCOME TO LAS
VEGAS!
Donner dramatically exits.
LIAM
He seems nice.
Liam opens his window revealing the city of Las Vegas. ZZ
Top's 'Viva Las Vegas' begins to play.
LIAM
Cooooooooool.
There is a knock at the door.
LIAM
Gee, I wonder who that could be?
Liam goes to the door and opens it revealing a large black
sinister shadow in the doorway.
LIAM
Ah, I see... Big city lesson number
one, always look through the
peephole before you answer the
door.
A giant club knocks Liam in the head. Liam goes down. A
hand grabs Liam by the hair on his head and drags him out the
door. The camera moves to include the cage of Fluffy as the
door slams. Fluffy seems to smile as we...
FADE OUT:
---
Meet Liam who's walking on thin ice,
He wrote a show that wasn't nice,
But now I'm going to make him pay,
He'll be broke down, he'll rue the day,
Cause he pissed me off...
Oh, He's Liiiiiiam!
He's very Liam, and he'll see...
That he shouldn't mess...
With...
Meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Olé!
---
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
As
"LIAM SMITH"
And
Ed Asner
As
"MISTER HILTER"
ALSO STARRING
Jason Donner
As
"DONNER"
RuPaul
As
"CHOCOLATE TREAT"
And
John Goodman
As
"ELVIS"
GUEST STARRING
Siegfried and Roy
And
Ginger Spice
As
"SPICEZILLA"
INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE
Liam is chained up as the camera starts to zoom back. He has
been striped to his boxers and is chained to a bare brick
wall as whips, tooth screws, and various other implements of
torture are littered around the room.
LIAM
Well...
(a beat)
Uh-huh...
A shadow overtakes him.
VOICE
LIAM SMITH! I HAVE BEEN WATCHING
YOU!
LIAM
Oh, isn't that nice?
VOICE
PREPARE FOR A NEW LIFE OF PAIN!
LIAM
Do I have to? I mean, I just
graduated high school and took a
year of technical school and I...
(beat)
Wait a minute... Why are you tied
up and who am I?
VOICE
DON'T YOU MEAN, WHY ARE YOU TIED UP
AND WHO AM I?
LIAM
Duh... That's what I said.
VOICE
BUT YOU...? OH, FORGET IT.
LIAM
Look, can you let me go now? I
mean this is really starting to
creep me out.
VOICE
WHAT? YOU MEAN YOU ARE NOT EXCITED
OR TURNED ON?
LIAM
(scoffs)
Tuh... No.
VOICE
DAMN... HOLD ON JUST A SECOND.
The light is turned on revealing CHOCOLATE TREAT, an
amazonian hooker.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
That always worked with Jean Claude
Van Damme.
LIAM
Hey, you're a...
(a beat)
Wo...
(a beat)
A ma...
(a beat)
A bo...
(a beat)
A gir...
(a beat)
You're a...?
(a beat)
What the hell are you?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I have been known by many names...
The desired, the temptress, the
sexorcizor! To you, I shall be
known as CHOCOLATE TREAT!
Lightning flash.
LIAM
W-What are you going to do to me?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I'm going to make you suffer a fate
worse than death... A horror so
imaginable that men go mad from the
mere mention of it!
LIAM
Huh?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I'm going to have SEX WITH YOU!!!
LIAM
NOOOOOOO!!!
Lightning flash.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Mister Hilter is standing in the middle of the room when
Donner enters.
DONNER
Oh, by the way, Liam I...
HILTER
Liam's gone.
DONNER
Gone?
HILTER
No, gone.
DONNER
What do you mean? Did he go out of
lunch, to the store, to the
casinos, to the...?
HILTER
He was kidnapped.
DONNER
Kidnapped?
HILTER
No, kidnapped.
DONNER
By who?
HILTER
Whom.
DONNER
Whom?
HILTER
I don't know, yet... But I did find
these clues.
Hilter and Donner walk over to a large table.
DONNER
Where did this table come from?
HILTER
Trust me, it's a story so horrible
that to tell you would mean that
you would go mad and wouldn't sleep
for a week! Kid, you don't want to
know.
DONNER
Uh-huh.
HILTER
Observe.
Donner looks confused.
HILTER
Look.
DONNER
Oh.
HILTER
Here we have a blonde wig, a bottle
of fire engine red lipstick, and
green Lee Press-On Nails.
DONNER
Why, those are favored by hookers.
(a beat)
So I hear.
HILTER
A hooker... We only have one
hooker in the building, a possible
transvestite named Chocolate Treat.
DONNER
So what does that mean, Mister
Hitler?
HILTER
Hil-ter, Donner. HILL-TUR!!!
(a beat)
My God... If what I have suspected
these last few years is true, then
Liam is in great danger!
DONNER
He is? Why!?
HILTER
I can't tell you now! Come with
me!
Hilter runs out the door.
DONNER
You can't TELL ME!? What are you
trying to do? Build suspense?
HILTER
(off screen)
NOW!
DONNER
Nah!
Donner runs after him.
INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE
Chocolate Treat looms over Liam.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Prepare yourself for the ultimate
lay!
LIAM
GAH! Wait... My life is flashing
before my eyes!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. A BEDROOM
Liam is dancing alone with a teddy bear.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE
As before.
LIAM
Ah, prom night.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Are you done?
LIAM
Uh... Would it matter if I wasn't?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
No.
LIAM
Then I'm done.
Chocolate Treat advances on Liam when all of the sudden,
Mister Hilter and Donner break down the door.
HILTER
HARLOT! TEMPTRESS! Your time is
nigh!
DONNER
Yeah! All that crap he just said!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Fools! You are no match for my
sexual prowess and siren-like draw!
HILTER
Oh, yes we are, Chocolate Treat! I
know about you! I know ALL about
you!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
In that case, I shall have to KILL
YOU!!! HA! HA! HA! HA!
Chocolate Treat leaps towards Hilter who stops her in midair
with a small wooden cross.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
GAH, MY EYES!
LIAM
What, is she a vampire? Is the
cross too pure for her to look at?
HILTER
No, I just had it laminated.
Donner, quick! Give me the sacred
tome!
DONNER
The what?
HILTER
Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown,
Volume Fourteen.
Donner looks in the bag
DONNER
The Riddle of the Bermuda Triangle?
HILTER
No, Fourteen! Fourteen!
DONNER
(looks)
The Enigma of Area 51?
Chocolate Treat grabs Mister Hilter and begins to throttle
him.
HILTER
GAK! GEK GAH GRIGHT GOK!
DONNER
What?
HILTER
GOOL GUH GORE GEEN!
DONNER
I can't understand you!
LIAM
I think he said, "Cool the door
beam."
DONNER
With what? Like ice or something?
Mister Hilter rolls his eyes and resorts to charades.
LIAM
Ooo! Ooo! First word!
DONNER
I hate this game.
LIAM
Sounds like...
Hilter makes knitting motions.
DONNER
Crochet!
LIAM
Sew!
DONNER
Needle and thread!
LIAM
Macramé!
DONNER
Knit?
Hilter gives an affirmative signal.
LIAM
Bit, hit, zit, fit, get...
Hilter nods frantically.
DONNER
Get?
LIAM
All right, second word!
DONNER
Sounds like... Oh, look! Couldn't
we just play Pictionary?
Donner hands Hilter a magic marker. Hitler writes "GET THE
DAMN BOOK, VOLUME 14" across Chocolate Treats face.
DONNER
See, now how would you have
signaled "volume" in charades?
LIAM
Donner, I think he wants volume 14
of his Time Life Books.
DONNER
Oh, that?
Donner digs through the pack as Hilter gasps for breath.
DONNER
Lets see, "UFO and Aliens", "The
Secrets of Atlantis", "Why Are Hot
Dog Buns Sold in Packs of Six While
Hot Dog Wieners Are Sold in Packs
of Eight"... AH! Here we go,
Volume 14 "Spells and
Incantations".
Donner flips through the book.
DONNER
Which one?
Hilter scribbles a note on Chocolate Treat's breasts that
says "PAGE 45!"
DONNER
Okay...
(he finds it)
Ah, here we are. I guess you want
me to read it, right?
Hilter weakly nods.
DONNER
Very well. "Ping drobba fit-fit
fit ingilwarp carcinoma".
Nothing happens.
DONNER
Maybe you should look into a
refund?
(he reads some more)
Oh, here's the catch... This spell
has to be read by a virgin or an
elder. Where am I going to find
either one of those?
Liam sighs
LIAM
Bring it here.
DONNER
But Liam, YOU'RE not an elder.
Liam is silent
DONNER
What are you trying to say, Liam?
LIAM
I'm a...
DONNER
You're a what?
LIAM
(mumbles)
...virgin.
DONNER
I didn't quite catch that.
LIAM
I'M A VIRGIN!!!
CUT TO:
A newspaper flies up to the camera with the headline "NEW KID
IN TOWN A VIRGIN!" and "LOCAL MAN SETS NEW RECORD FOR LONGEST
TIME WITHOUT OXYGEN"
CUT TO:
INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE
As before.
DONNER
Oh, you're a VIRGIN! Well, why
didn't you say so? Here... Read
this spell.
Donner shows Liam the book. Liam reads.
LIAM
Ping drobba fit-fit-fit ingilwarp
carcinoma.
Chocolate Treat releases Mister Hilter who immediately begins
to suck in as much oxygen as he can.
HILTER
AIR! PRECIOUS DELICIOUS AIR!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
WHAT THE... NO!!!
Chocolate Treat begins to glow and seems to explode with
power. As the light fades, she falls to the floor. Mister
Hilter catches her.
DONNER
All right! Let's kill her!
He prepares to beat her head in with a rock, but Hilter stops
him.
HILTER
No! We can't take retribution to
this poor woman... Or whatever
because she was only an unwilling
host to the evil.
(a pause)
Donner, come here.
DONNER
Yo?
Mister Hilter smacks him in the face.
DONNER
Ow! What was that for?
HILTER
If you have to ask, you'll never
know!
Liam walks into frame.
LIAM
So, you're saying that Chocolate
Treat was possessed by some kind of
demon?
HILTER
More than one, actually, I've
suspected it for some time now
and...
(a beat)
Wait a minute... How did you get
out of your chains?
LIAM
I...
(a blank look)
Huh?
HILTER
Nevermind. Regardless, we aren't
out of danger yet.
DONNER
We're not?
HILTER
No... Now that the evil is loose,
there's no telling what it can do!
Chocolate Treat stirs.
HILTER
Whoa, take it easy there, sir... I
Mean, ma'am... I mean... Uh... Take
it easy.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, my... My... My... You got those
horrible demon thingies out of me,
didn't you?
DONNER
Actually, it was Liam, the virgin.
That Liam right there. He's a
virgin, you know.
Suddenly, three demons appear in the room. ZORN, GRAK, And
RHIBINUIKOS.
ZORN
I AM ZORN, THE UNSPEAKABLE!
GRAK
I AM GRAK, THE UNMERCIFUL!
RHIBINUIKOS
AND I AM RHIBINUIKOS, THE
UNPRONOUNCEABLE!
ZORN
TOGETHER, WE ARE...
ALL DEMONS
LEGION!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
You're the bastards that've been
possessing my bodacious body? Oo,
that just makes me hot under the
collar!
ZORN
We have been angered!
GRAK
And because of that, we will
destroy the surface world!
RHIBINUIKOS
Choose.
LIAM
Bless you.
RHIBINUIKOS
No, idiot! Choose the destroyer!
LIAM
Huh?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, I get it! This is like
Ghostbusters where Zool came out
and told the Ghostbusters to choose
the form of their destructor and
they chose the Stay Puft
Marshmallow man!
HILTER
Of course! Everyone clear your
thoughts! If we clear our
thoughts, then...
ZORN
The destructor has been chosen!
HILTER
What?
DONNER
Oops.
HILTER
Donner!
DONNER
Sorry.
The demons vanish. There is a commotion outside. Everyone
rushes to the door.
HILTER
Oh my God!
DONNER
It can't be!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
It's...
LIAM
SPICEZILLA!
EXT. LAS VEGAS
A hundred foot tall GINGER SPICE is destroying all of Las
Vegas.
INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE
As before.
DONNER
Don't look at me like that! You
try to get that damn "Wannabe" song
out of YOUR head.
HILTER
Sh*t!
EXT. LAS VEGAS
Spicezilla continues her rampage through the city. First,
she topples the Stratosphere, she burns the Westward Ho, and
smashes the Silver Dollar. Dozens of geeks flee the Hilton
as she steps on The Star Trek Experience.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Hilter, Liam, Donner, and Chocolate Treat rush out into the
parking lot where they meet ELVIS.
ELVIS
What the hell's going on out here?
It's as if someone has conjured up
a hundred foot monster in the image
of Ginger Spice!
DONNER
Yeah, that was my bad, Elvis...
Sorry.
HILTER
Elvis, what are you doing out here?
ELVIS
Eh, I just presided over a gay
wedding.
LIAM
A gay wedding? I didn't think that
was legal here!
ELVIS
It's not, but as long as they pay,
I ain't gonna make waves.
Siegfried and Roy skip by holding hands.
LIAM
Well, what are we going to do about
Spicezilla?
HILTER
Well, she's too powerful for us to
stop alone... We have to call...
HIM!
LIAM
Him, who?
HILTER
I speak of the mighty one... The
hero of heroes, the man with
gigantic gargantuan muscles... The
mightiest man in the universe!
DONNER
(sigh)
I'll call him.
He gets a cell phone and begins to dial.
DONNER
1-800-CAPEMAN
LIAM
Who the hell is Capeman?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
What do you mean, who is Capeman?
Honey, Capeman is only the resident
superhero of Las Vegas! He fought
the hounds of Cerebus! He fended
off the invaders from Uranus!
DONNER
(puts phone away)
He's on his way. Excuse me... I've
got to pee.
Donner runs away.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Donner's leaving? Isn't that odd?
HILTER
That's because he is Capeman.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Get out!
HILTER
It's true! This whole billionaire
playboy thing is all an act... Like
Bruce Wayne.
ELVIS
Bruce Wayne?
HILTER
He's Batman.
LIAM
Oh, come on! Bruce Wayne is NOT
Batman!
VOICE
CAAAAAAAAAAAAPEMAAAAAAAAAAN!
HILTER
Ah, right on schedule.
Capeman lands next to them.
CAPEMAN
Greetings, puny mortals. What
seems to be the problem?
HILTER
A hundred foot Spice Girl is
destroying the city.
CAPEMAN
Tuh! Again! All right, I'll take
care of it.
Capeman prepares to leap into action, when Liam tugs on his
cape.
LIAM
Uh, Capeman?
CAPEMAN
Yeah?
LIAM
Are you really Donner?
CAPEMAN
Yeah.
LIAM
You are?
CAPEMAN
No.
Capeman flies into action.
ELVIS
Wow, Capeman verses Spicezilla!
This should be the fight of the
century!
Capeman hits Spicezilla sending her high into the air. He
then proceeds to vaporize her with his heat vision.
LIAM
That's it?
ELVIS
I wanted to see the battle of the
century and it turned out to be a
two-second suck fest!
Don King skips by.
DON KING
I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm...
BLAM! Spicezilla's severed head crushes Don King.
LIAM
SWEET JESUS!
Capeman joins them.
CAPEMAN
Ah, another villain therily
defeated.
A little kid tugs on his cape.
KID
Excuse me, Mr. Capeman, could I
have your autograph?
CAPEMAN
Got ten bucks?
The kid hands Capeman a ten and Capeman signs his name.
CAPEMAN
There, now beat it!
The kid runs away.
CAPEMAN
As for me, I've got a guest shot on
Montel in a few minutes! Tah-Tah!
Capeman takes off. Mister Hilter looks at his watch.
HILTER
Three... Two... One...
Donner appears wearing a Capeman mask.
DONNER
So, what did I miss?
Everyone looks at him.
DONNER
What?
HILTER
That's an... Interesting mask
you're wearing.
DONNER
Oh, this?
(he takes it off)
I... Uh... Bought it and wanted ot
show it to Capeman. Cool, huh? So
I guess I missed him, huh?
HILTER
Yes, Donner... You missed him.
DONNER
Well, damn.
Everyone stares at Donner a few more seconds and then turn
back to the conversation.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
You all set me free from those
nasty demons that made me a
sexually starved predator. Now, I
can go back to my regular job.
LIAM
Which is?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Prostitution.
HILTER
Figures.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Boy, being possessed was the worst
ten hours of my life, but thanks to
all of you, I'm free...
(a smile)
Especially you, Liam.
LIAM
Aw, it was nothing.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Because of you and the fact that
you ain't never got none ever, I am
free and I want to repay you.
LIAM
Repay?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
With hours upon hours of back
breaking, sanity shattering, earth
moving... SEX!
LIAM
(a beat)
Uh... I have a headache?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
You can't hide behind that excuse
forever, Liam! One day... It may
be tomorrow or three years from
now, I WILL HAVE YOU!!!
HILTER
It's good to set goals for oneself.
LIAM
This day has been unbelievable Is
Las Vegas always like this?
DONNER
Naw...
They all turn to go back inside.
DONNER
Sometimes it actually gets a little
exciting.
FADE OUT:
THE END
ROLL CREDITS