FADE IN

LIAM'S APARTMENT: DAY
Liam is sitting on his couch watching television.

		TELEVISION
	You're watching FOX!

		LIAM
	I am?  Oh!  Thanks!

Liam turns the channel.  There is a knock at the door.

		LIAM
	Come in!

MISTER HILTER enters.

		HILTER
	Great news, my boy.

		LIAM
	What kind of news, Mister Hitler?

		HILTER
	Dammit, it's HILTER!  HILL-TURR!!!

		LIAM
	I'm sorry, Mister Hitler.

		HILTER
	Forget it, dammit!  Forget it!  Great news!

		LIAM
	What?

		HILTER
	The President of the United States is coming 
	to Las Vegas!

		LIAM
	You're kidding!

		HILTER
	No!  I'm quite serious!

		LIAM
	George Bush Junior is coming here!?

		HILTER
	No, Bill Clinton is coming here.  Bush isn't 
	president.

		LIAM
	According to the news he is.

Liam changes the channel to the news.

		DAN RATHER
	...and so, given George Bush Junior's high 
	popularity and enormous bankroll, we the 
	media of America have forgone elections 
	and have just appointed Bush the president.

Liam hits "mute".

		HILTER
	Wow.  Who knew the media had that much power?

		LIAM
	Oh, they're too powerful!  Why, if only the 
	public knew that the media has been slowly 
	manipulating world events to get a stranglehold 
	on society!  If only they knew that the media 
	have been responsible for everything from the 
	Gulf War to Watergate to even the assassination 
	of--

The screen goes black replaced by the UPN logo.

		ANNOUNCER
	The Liam Smith show, normally seen at 
	this time... has been canceled.

		LIAM'S VOICE
	See?  Told you they were powerful.

FADE OUT

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THEME SONG (Sung to the theme of "The Beverly Hilbillies")

Let me tell you a little story that you just might know,
'bout this guy named Liam.  He's a really big shmoe.
Lives in Las Vegas with a mighty weird clan,
just tryin' to figure out how his wacky world is ran.

Run, that is...  Don't go away.  Song ain't over yet.

The next thing you know this little sitcom is a hit,
even though the acting and writin' ain't worth a sh-[bleep!]-t
But though you can't see it on your television set,
you can always catch it right here on the internet.

Cyberspace, that is.  Kick your shoes off.

My god! What a smell!  Put them back on!

OLÉ!

------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARRING

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

Ed Asner
as
"Mister Hilter"

GUEST STARRING

Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

and
The Stick
as
"Harry the Handyman"

SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY

John Stamos
as
"Ben Dover"

Tom Brokaw
as
"Himself"

AND SPECIAL GUEST STARS

Bill Clinton
as
"The President"

Hillary Clinton
as
"The First Lady"

and
Chelsea Clinton
as
"The First Daughter"



FADE IN

INT - UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY: DAY
Mister Hilter walks though the lobby with HARRY THE HANDYMAN giving him
orders.

		HILTER
	...and since I've just heard that the 
	president has chosen one of the spare 
	apartments here to stay in during his 
	Las Vegas stay, I want you to really 
	whip this place into shape!

		HARRY
	Burn it down, blame Bippo, collect the 
	insurance, and build a new complex?

		HILTER
	If we had time, yes...  But not this time.  
	Just slap on some fresh plain, mask that 
	urine smell, and make this place look 
	presentable.

		HARRY
	Check.  How long do I have?

		HILTER
	One day.

		HARRY
	Only one day?

		HILTER
	Well, you did...  yesterday.

		HARRY
	Wait a second, if I had a day to prepare 
	yesterday... that means...!!!

"Hail to the Chief" begins to play as several Secret Service guys bust
into the room.  After a few seconds, they nod to each other that it is
safe for the President to enter.

		HILTER
	Oh no... This is so embarrassing!  To 
	think that the president is going to stay 
	in the apartments with them looking so 
	trashy!

PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON enters followed by HILLARY CLINTON and CHELSEA
CLINTON.  Harry immediatley gets down on one knee and bows.

		HARRY
	Your majesty!

		CLINTON
		[laughing]
	Now, now, now...  Get up!  Come on!  Wow!  
	I haven't had someone go down that fast 
	since I first met Monica!

HILLARY growls.  Clinton jumps.

		CLINTON
		[nervously]
	Uh.. Er... Right.  Are you Mister Hitler?

		HILTER
	I'm Mister Hilter.

		CLINTON
	It's a pleasure to stay here, sir.

		HILTER
	But... But, sir... The apartments are so 
	trashy and nasty and...

		CLINTON
	I'm from Arkansas!  I'm used to it!  Hell, 
	this place is nicer than the governor's mansion!
		[looks at Hillary and Chelsea]
	Oh, where are my manners?  May I present 
	my wife... uh... uh...

		HILLARY
		[gritting teeth]
	Hillary, dear.

		CLINTON
	Right... Hillary.

		HILTER
		[kisses her hand]
	Ma'am.

		HARRY
		[does the same]
	Enchantè

		HILLARY
	Ditto, handsome.

		CLINTON
		[oblivious]
	And finally, my dear daughter, Chelsea.

		CHELSEA
	Hi.

		HILTER
	Hello.

		HARRY
	Hi.

		HILTER
	Well, now that that's out of the 
	way, shall I show you to your apartment?

		CLINTON
		[yawning]
	Yes!  It's been a looooooong day.

INT: HALLWAY
Hilter and Harry lead Clinton, Hillary, Chelsea, and several secret
service men to the apartment.  As they pass Liam's door, it opens and
Liam's head pokes out.

		LIAM
	Say, Mister Hilter, aren't they...?

		AGENT
	LOOK OUT!  ASSASSIN!

		LIAM
	Whu...?

The Secret Service Agents pile on Liam and beat the hell out of him.

		HILTER
	Uh... Guys?  He lives here.

The agents halt the beating.

		AGENT
	My bad.

Chelsea walks over and helps Liam up.

		CHELSEA
	Here, let me help you, you poor man.

		LIAM
	I'm fine, really.  Just a couple of ribs.

Chelsea's eyes meet Liam's and she is instantly attracted to him.  Liam
is, of course, ignorant of her feelings.

		CHELSEA
	I'm Chelsea Clinton.

		LIAM
	Liam Smith.

		CLINTON
	Come on, Chelsea. Leave the man alone.

		CHELSEA
	I gotta go.

		LIAM
	Okay. Well, thanks.

Hilter, Harry, the agents, Clinton, Hillary, and Chelsea walk into the
apartment.  Before the door closes, Chelsea takes one last loning look
at Liam.

INT - THE CLINTON'S APARTMENT

		CLINTON
	Yes, Yes... this will do nicely.

		HILTER
	If you need anything - and I do mean 
	anything - just let me know.

		CLINTON
	Actually, can you tell me if there's a 
	backdoor to this place?

		HILTER
	Well, yes... there's a secret passage behind 
	the stove that leads to a door in the alley 
	that no one knows about.  It's dark and out 
	of the way and I doubt that anyone ever sees 
	or notices it.  In fact, I'd be willing to bet 
	that even the most famous person in the world 
	could sneak in and out the back way with 
	whoever he wanted and no one would know about it.

		CLINTON
		[to himself, like Mr. Burns]
	Excellent.
		[to Hitler]
	Thank you, Mister Hilter.

		HILTER
	My pleasure.

		HARRY
		[smiles]
	Mrs. Clinton.

		HILLARY
		[smiles back]
	Harry.

Hilter and Harry exit.  The agents go out to stand guard in the hallway. 
Bill and Hillary relax at last.

		HILLARY
		[southern accent]
	Bill, I just knew you were going 
	to embarrass me!

		CLINTON
		[same accent]
	Shut up, bitch!

		HILLARY
	Oh no, he didn't!

Clinton looks out a window and sees STACY VAVOOM walking up to her
apartment.

		CLINTON
	Hello, beautiful.  How'd you like to shake 
	hands with my one-armed bandit?

		HILLARY
	Oh, there you go again!  You can't keep that 
	thing holstered for five seconds, can you?  
	I don't know why I ever married you!

Clinton runs to her and dips her.

		CLINTON
	Then let me remind you, baby.

The Clinton's kiss.

		HILLARY
	You bastard!

		CLINTON
	Say you want me!

		HILLARY
	I want you!

Hillary and Bill run to the bedroom.  Chelsea is disgusted.

		CHELSEA
	Everyday it's the same thing.  Mom and dad 
	fight and then Dad lays on the sex and Mom 
	stays all while Dad is boinking everything 
	on two legs.  Well, I'm sick of it!  Two can 
	play at this game!  If dad can sleep around, 
	so can I!  I am Chelsea... hear me roar!  
	Liam Smith, eh?  How'd you like to be my new 
	boyfriend?  Bwaaaaa ha, ha, haaaaa!!!

FADE OUT

------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Leggo my Eggo!
- The Nighttime, sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, Aching, Stuffy head,
	Fever, so you can sleep medicine.
- Be the man... Batman!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

FADE IN
THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE LIAM'S AND THE CLINTON'S APARTMENTS
The secret service guys are standing watch when Chelsea sticks her head
out and points to something offstage.

		CHELSEA
	Hey, guys.  Isn't that Saddam Hussien 
	over there?

		AGENT
	Let's take him down, men.

The agents run off camera.  Soon the sounds of a fight can be heard.

		BIPPO'S VOICE
	No, not Saddam Hussien!  I'm So-Damn 
	Insane!  Oh, my back!  Hey!  Do that 
	again!

Chelsea sneaks over to Liam's door and knocks.

		LIAM
	Come in!

INT - LIAM'S APARTMENT
Chelsea enters while Liam sets on the couch watching TV.

		TELEVISION
	...and as the four alarm fire rages out 
	of control, we can only ask ourselves 
	who could have set fire to this 
	marshmallow factory and, most importantly, 
	where are the graham crackers and 
	chocolate?

		CHELSEA
	Hi, Liam.

		LIAM
	Oh, hi... uh... Chelsea.  What're you 
	doing here?

		CHELSEA
	I was lonely.

		LIAM
	Oh... that's too bad.  Wanna watch Beverly 
	Hills 90210?  I think they finally get 
	cancelled in this episode.

Chelsea moves in.

		CHELSEA
	I was wondering if we could, instead... snuggle.

		LIAM
	Sn-Snuggle?

		CHELSEA
	You have any idea how boring it is 
	to me a good girl, Liam?

		LIAM
	What do you mean?  Being good or being 
	a girl?

		CHELSEA
	I want to be bad, Liam.  And I want 
	to be bad with you!

		LIAM
	Wha...!?

Chelsea kisses Liam and they both fall back onto the couch.  There is an
inexplicable flash of light and Chelsea pops back up.

		CHELSEA
	There.  That didn't take long.

		LIAM
		[embarrassed]
	How'd you know!?

Chelsea looks at him confused.

		LIAM
	D'ah mean...  What do you mean?

		CHELSEA
	Sorry Liam, but I was just using you to get 
	even with my dad for all his affairs.  That 
	flash you saw was a camera from one of those 
	supermarket tabloids.

		LIAM
	But I didn't see the photographer!

		CHELSEA
	Nano-technolgy.  Paperazzi are everywhere these 
	days, you just can't see them becasue they're 
	microscopic and invisible to the naked eye.  
	Why, when you sat down a little while ago, I 	
	bet you crushed several thousand of them.

		LIAM
	I'm never getting undressed again.

		CHELSEA
	Well, see ya.

Chelsea goes for the door.  Liam follows.

		LIAM
	What do you mean, see ya!?  What 
	about...!?

Chelsea opens the door and the Secret Agents see Liam and Chelsea
together.

		AGENT
	He's got the first daughter!  Get him!

The agents jump on and beat the crap out of Liam.

FADE OUT

------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK

- Order the Juiceman today!
- 1-900-COLLECT!
- Disney DVD: Disgustingly OVERPRICED!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

FADE IN:

Newspapers twirl up to the screen with the following headlines:

New York Times:
"CHELSEA CAUGHT WITH HORNEY NERD"

Las Vegas Gambler:
"LOCAL BOY CAUGHT IN AFFAIRS OF STATE"

San Fransisco Chronicle:
"LIKE FATHER, LIKE DAUGHTER"

New York Post:
"HEADLESS CHELSEA FOUND NUDE IN LAS VEGAS SUBWAY"

Weekly World News:
"BAT BOY BACKS BUSH"

INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT: ONE WEEK LATER
Liam and Mister Hilter are reading the newspapers.

		LIAM
	Can you believe this?  "Chelsea Does the 
	Deed With Dork"!  They've blown this totally 
	out of proportion!  We didn't even do 
	the deed!  It's been a week since Chelsea and 
	the Clintons went back to Washinton... you'd 
	THINK the news would move on!

		HILTER
	It looks like you're the new Monica Lewinski, 
	my boy.  The media is never going to leave you 
	alone.  It must be hard for you.
		[a pause]
	Well, gotta go.

Hilter opens the door to leave revealing dozens of reporters and
photographers outside flashing cameras and asking questions.

		REPORTERS
		[overlapping]
	Liam!  Liam!  Did you have sex with the first 
	daughter?  Does she have any distigushing 
	features?  How was she?  If you were a twee, 
	what kind of twee would you be?

Hilter exits closing the door.

		LIAM
	This is too much!  I need to relax!

Liam turns on the TV.

		TOM BROKAW
	Horney First Daughter:  Day Seven.  I'm 
	Tom Brokaw.  Continuing our round the clock 
	coverage of Liam Smith's apartment, we now 
	go live to Las Vegas where I am told that 
	our affiliate there has secured an interview 
	with one of Liam's closest friends.  And 
	now, a regular-looking reporter with a funny 
	name.

The sceen chanages to show BEN DOVER standing outside Liam's apartment.

		BEN DOVER
	Thanks Tom.  Ben Dover here at Upda Creek 
	Apartments with a Miss Stacy VaVoom.

Camera pans over to reveal STACY VAVOOM.

		BEN DOVER
	So, Miss VaVoom, tell us about Liam.  What do 
	you know about him as a person.

		STACY
	Look, I'm not about to blab about one of my 
	friends on national TV.

		BEN DOVER
	Very well... how about $50,000?

		STACY
	He's a sexual predator whose apetite is 
	voracious.  He should be locked away!  
	Locked away I tell you!

Liam shuts off the TV.

		LIAM
	This is ridiculous!  I've got to put a 
	stop to it... right here, right now!

Liam goes to his bedroom and draggs out a large box.  He writes: TO THE
WHITE HOUSE c/o BILL CLINTON and then gets inside tapping up the
corners.

FADE TO:
Montage of shots:

A FedEx guy pick up the box and throws it into a truck.

The truck drives to the airport.

Handlers chunk the box onto a plane.

The plane flies through the air.

A map.  A red line indicates the plane's position. The line starts at
Las Vegas, goes to Canada, then Michigan, then Texas, then Florida,
makes several loop-de-loops, and then goes to Washinton DC.

CUT TO:

A FedEx plane come in for a landing at Washington DC but an engine
explodes and it crashes into the ocean.  Camera pulls back to reveal a
couple of handlers unloading Liam's box from a different plane.

		HANDLER
	Wow... glad that wasn't our plane.

THE WHITE HOUSE: A FEW HOURS LATER
A FedEx truck drops Liam's package off.  Secret Service guys take it
inside.

INT: CHELSEA'S ROOM
Chelsea is lying on her bed reading all of the tabliods about her
"affair" with Liam.  The Secret Service guys bring the package in.

		AGENT
	Pakage for you, ma'am.

		CHELSEA
	Just leave it there.

The agent put down the pakage and leave.

		CHELSEA
	It's from Liam!  I wonder what it could be.

Chelsea opens the box and Liam pops out.

		LIAM
		[gasping]
	I knew I should have punched air 
	hole in that thing!

		CHELSEA
	Liam!  What are you doing here?

		LIAM
	I had to come.  I want you to tell the 
	world that nothing happpened between us 
	in Vegas.  I mean, my life has become a 
	living hell since then!  It's always 
	Flash!  Flash!  Flash! Can we ask 
	you this, can we ask you that!  Flash!  
	Flash!  Flash!

		CHELSEA
	I've got to admit...  this whole sex scandal 
	thing isn't exactly fun for me, either.

		LIAM
	Really?

		CHELSEA
	No.  I thought that by having an 
	embarrasingly public affair I could 
	get a little attention like my dad did 
	when he boffed that human swine, Lewinski.

		LIAM
	But it hasn't happened?

		CHELSEA
	Alas, no.  Instead I just feel all bad 
	and dirty on the inside like I've done 
	something wrong.

		LIAM
	You have.  You've ruined an innocent man's 
	life. Think, Chelsea, what kind of life 
	would Monica Lewinski had if it hadn't been 
	your dad?  What about Jennifer Flowers or 
	Paula What's-her-face?

		CHELSEA
	Yes.  Yes, you're absolutely right, Liam. 
	I've done a bad thing and it's up to me to 
	set things right.

She takes Liam by the hand.

		CHELSEA
	Come with me.

		LIAM
	Where are we going?

		CHELSEA
	They're having a press conference downstairs 
	about US/Russian relations downstairs.  We'll 
	just inturrupt it and set the record straight.

Chelsea opens the door and a dozen secret service goons pile on Liam.

		AGENT
	Get him!  Tear him up!  Kick his ass!

		CHELSEA
	Guys?  Cut it out.

The beatings stop.

		AGENT
	Our bad.

CUT TO:
THE PRESS CONFERENCE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Clinton is speaking to a bunch of reporters as Hillary looks on.

		CLINTON
	...and so I says, "Well screw you and 
	your wussy little nuclear stockpile!"  
	And Yeltsin is so drunk on Vodka that 
	he can hardly...

Chelsea and Liam enter.

		CHELSEA
	Wait!

		CLINTON
	Chelsea!

		HILLARY
	What are you doing here?

		CHELSEA
	I've got something to say!

Chelsea steps in front of the microphone. Liam stand by her side.

		CHELSEA
	Ladies and Gentlemen on the press, I am 
	Chelsea Clinton and, for the past week, 
	there have been insinuations in the press 
	that I had a wild and torrid affair with 
	this man, Liam Smith.  These reports are 
	false... and the press's coverage of the 
	affair is my fault.  You see, I've learned 
	something today.  Revenge is a dish best 
	served cold, but try not to get any food 
	on innocent people.  I guess what I'm 
	trying to say is, Liam is innocent.  There 
	was no affair.

		REPORTER
	Excuse me, but what proof do you have that 
	there was no affair?

		CHELSEA
	Have you ever seen American Pie?  Well,
	let's just say that Liam is just as excitable as
	that kid was.

The reporters laugh.  Liam blushes.

CUT TO

LIAM'S APARTMENT - A FEW DAYS LATER
Liam and Chelsea are there.

		LIAM
	It's great that you and your parents came 
	back to Las Vegas.  Now maybe you can enjoy 
	this city for all it has to offer.

		CHELSEA
	Well, I actually came back for you.  To 
	apologize.  Even though I told the truth 
	about you and me, the media still won't 
	leave you alone...  at least, not until 
	the next Presidental sex scandal.

		LIAM
	I guess I can live like this for a few 
	more months.

		CHELSEA
	With my dad... it'll only be a few days.

		LIAM
	So... would you like to go out on a real 
	date sometime?

		CHELSEA
	Gee, Liam.  I would... but... Well... I'm 
	not into minutemen if you catch my drift.  
	Besides, we're from two seperate worlds.  
	It just wouldn't work.

		LIAM
	I guess not.

		CHELSEA
		[kisses his cheek]
	See ya, Speedy.

Chelsea leaves.  Liam, a little sadder, sits on his couch.

		LIAM
	So, my life won't be back to normal until 
	the next presidental sex scandal.  How long 
	will that take?

INT: THE CLINTON APARTMENT
Bill Clinton enters with a supermodel on each arm slugging back tequila
and laughing.

		CLINTON
	...and so I said to her, "How'd you like 
	to see the real executive branch?"

Clinton and the models laugh.

		MODEL #1
	Oh, Billy....

		MODEL #2
	You're so funny.

		MODEL #1
		[sultry]
	I want you, Billy.

		MODEL #2
	No!  I want him!

The models argue.

		CLINTON
	Ladies... Ladies... please!

The models stop.

		CLINTON
	There's plenty of me to go around.  You 
	can both have me!

Clinton and the models giggle as Clinton opens the door to the bedroom.

INT: THE CLINTON APARTMENT BEDROOM
Clinton and the models enter laughing.  Clinton turns on the lights and
reacts in shock to something on the bed.

		CLINTON
	Mary Mother of God!

REVEAL:
Hillary and Harry the Handyman in bed together hiding under the covers.

		HARRY
	Don't look at me like that!  Mister Hilter 
	told me to make your stay here as plesant as 
	I could and that's just what I'm doing...  
	for your wife, I mean.

		HILLARY
		[smoking cigarette]
	I love Las Vegas.  Maybe I'll run for Senator 
	here!

		CLINTON
	Hillary!  But...!  How...? How...?

		HILLARY
	If you say "How could you?" I swear, I will 
	strangle you.

There's a quick flash of light.

		CLINTON
	The hell?

CUT TO:
Montage of newspapers as "Hail to the Chief" plays:

London Times:
"OVAL OFFICE ORGY!"

Houston Post:
"CLINTON'S KINKY ROMP!"

National Enquirer
"HARRY THE HANDYMAN'S MIRACLE DIET!"

The Globe:
"BOY TRAPPED IN REFRIGERATOR EATS OWN TESTICLES"

THE END

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