THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 1.08: "Rebel Without a Claus"
By Jason Donner

FADE IN

SANTA'S WORKSHOP: THE NORTH POLE
It's just as you imagined it as a kid.  Lots of snow, a brightly colored
workshop, elves and snowmen running all over the place.

INT: SANTA'S WORKSHOP
Elves are hard at work making toys for the big night.  Camera passes a
sign that says "DAYS SINCE LAST ACCIDENT: 243".  There's a loud crash
and a howl of pain.  One of the elves goes over and erases the "243" and
writes "0".  Santa enters.

		SANTA
	Ho, ho, ho...  Good morning my friends.

		ELVES
	Good morning Santa.

The head elf runs over to Santa with a clipboard.

		HEAD ELF
	Good news, big guy, we're right on schedule.  
	In fact, at this pace, we'll be ahead two 
	months for next Christmas.

		SANTA
	Ho, ho, ho!  Good work!  All of you!  After 
	Christmas!  We're all going on a vacation!

		ELF
	Oh god!  Not to Michael Jackson's Neverland 
	Ranch again!

		SANTA
	Goodness, no!  I learned that lesson 
	the hard way!

		HEAD ELF
	You have one appointment today, sir.

		SANTA
	An appointment?  Well, if he's on the schedule 
	I suppose I'd better meet with him.

Santa smiles and goes to his office.  A whistle blows and all the elves
go on break and begin smoking.

INT: SANTA'S OFFICE
Santa enters and greets the unseen visitor.

		SANTA
	Sorry to keep you waiting, I...
		[he sees the visitor]
	YOU!!!???

It is SATAN.

		SATAN
	Hi, Santa.

		SANTA
	What are you doing here?

		SATAN
	Business.  That's all.

		SANTA
	What sort of business would I do with a 
	vile creature such as you?

		SATAN
	All right, fatso, let me get to the point...  
	Every Christmas you know what I find in my 
	stocking?  Coal!  Coal!  And you know why?

		SANTA
	Because you're an evil man.

		SATAN
	Look, Santa, don't bog me down in legalese!  
	Point is: I want a gift this year and I don't 
	care how much it'll cost me!

Satan gets out a checkbook.

		SANTA
	Are you trying to... bribe me?

		SATAN
	What?  A thousand?  Two thousand?  I'm 
	good for it!

		SANTA
	You can't bribe me!  I'm an incorruptible 
	symbol of good - that is, unless, you count 	
	bible thumping Christians on the 700 Club - 
	but that's beside the point!   Get out of 
	my office!

		SATAN
	C'Mon, Santa!  Have a heart!

		SANTA
	Get out!

		SATAN
	Oh, what are you going to do?  Beat me up?  
	Throw me out?  Give me a break, fatso.

Santa goes to an intercom.

		SANTA
	Mick, Tony.  Priority in my office.

Two huge seven-foot-tall elves rise up from behind Satan.

EXT: SANTA'S WORKSHOP
Satan flies out the front door and lands a few hundred feet away in the
snow.

		SATAN
	Damn goody-two-shoed bastard!  We'll 
	see who has the last laugh!

MUSIC STING

FADE OUT

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THEME SONG (Sung to the theme of "Here Comes Santa Claus")

Here comes Liam Smith...
Here comes Liam Smith...
Down the Vegas Strip.
It is time for the Christmas show,
as if you give a flip.

So Merry Christmas to you all.
I hope you do quite well.
At least until the Y2K,
makes all our lives a living hell.

OLÉ!

------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARRING

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

Ed Asner
as
"Mister Hilter"

GUEST STARRING

Saint Nicholas
as
"Santa Claus"

David Peckinpah
as
"Satan"

and
Vern Troyer
as
"The Head Elf"

AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR

Janet Reno
as
"Janet Reno"



FADE IN
WASHINGTON DC: JANET RENO'S OFFICE
JANET RENO picks up a telephone and answers.

		RENO
	This is Janet Reno.  I understand you have 
	information for me?

		VOICE
	Yes, Mrs. Reno, My Name is Bill.  Bill Zebub.

		RENO
	Yes, Bill Zebub.  What kind of information do 
	you have for us?

		VOICE
	I've just gotten back from an expedition to 
	the North Pole where I found a cult living 
	in the vast frozen wasteland.

		RENO
	A cult?

		VOICE
	Yes, a cult. A particularly nasty one at that.  
	It's run by a really big fat guy in a red suit 
	who thinks he's the reincarnation of Jesus.  
	Here's the worst part... this fat guy, right?  
	He has children working in a factory to make 
	cheap toys!

		RENO
	Child labor?  Good God!

		VOICE
	And you know what else?  I think they were 
	stockpiling weapons or something.

		RENO
	Weapons!  We'll be right there!

She drops the phone and runs out the door.  A few seconds later, she
comes back and picks it back up.

		RENO
	I don't suppose you have any evidence of 
	your claims, do you?

		VOICE
	Uh... well... I... uh... saw...

		RENO
	Good enough for me! BYE!

Reno runs out the door.

EXT: A PHONE BOOTH
Satan hangs up and grins.

		SATAN
	Take that fatso!

INT: OFFICES OF THE ATF
Dozens of officers are working at desks.  Janet Reno runs in.

		RENO
	Break out the tear gas, boys!  We've got 
	ourselves a cult!

		OFFICERS
	Yay!!!!

FADE TO:
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA: DECEMBER 24th
It is snowing.

LIAM'S APARTMENT
LIAM is putting up a Christmas tree.  MISTER HILTER enters with a
present.

		LIAM
	Ah, Merry Christmas Mister Hilter.

		HILTER
	It's HILTER, I...!  Wait a minute, you 
	didn't say it.

		LIAM
	What?

		HILTER
	You didn't call me Hitler.

		LIAM
	Why would I do a silly thing like that?

		HILTER
	I guess the running gag has run it's course... 
	man, it's about damn time too!

		LIAM
	Running gag?  What are you...?

		HILTER
	Nothing.  Here, I brought you a present.

		LIAM
	That reminds me of a joke.  You know how Darth 
	Vader knew what Luke was getting for Christmas?

		HILTER
	How?

		LIAM
	He felt his "presents".

		HILTER
	I don't get it.

		LIAM
	Neither did I.

		HILTER
	Hmm.

		LIAM
	Hmm.

		HILTER
	Well, here's your present.  Merry Christmas.

		LIAM
	And here's yours.  Happy Holidays.

INSERT CUT:
Hilter's present.  The tags says: TO MISTER HITLER.

		HILTER
	By the way, there's a complex party at nine 
	tonight.  Be there or be square.

		LIAM
	Gotcha.

Hilter leaves.  Liam proceeds to decorate the tree.  He picks up an
ornament with a picture in it.  We cannot see the picture.

		LIAM
	If only you were here to celebrate Christmas 
	with me, my love.  We will be together again... 
	in time, my dear.  I can wait.

Liam puts the ornament back into the box.  There is a knock at the door. 
Liam goes to answer it.  He opens the door to reveal a silver and blue
object similar to R2-D2.

		LIAM
	Hello...  What the...?

The R2-D2 thing rolls into the room and stops in the center.

		LIAM
	What the heck is this thing?

Liam finds a tag on the side of the object.
	
		LIAM
	Holo-grams?

A light beam comes out of the side of the R2-D2 thing and a six-inch
holographic image of Santa Claus appears on the floor.

		LIAM
	What the...!?

		HOLO-SANTA
	Greetings, Liam Smith.  I'm sure you know 
	who I am.  I am Santa Claus.

		LIAM
	Santa?

		HOLO-SANTA
	For years, you have believed in me when 
	every other adult in the world shrugged 
	me off as a fairy tale or nonsense.  
	You're belief in me has been one of my 
	greatest inspirations and now, I am in 
	need of your help...  three days ago, 
	the North Pole was invaded by an army 
	of some sort...

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
THE NORTH POLE WORKSHOP
A flashback: Tanks pull up to the workshop.

		HOLO-SANTA (VO)
	They arrived suddenly.

Janet Reno pokes her head out of one of the tanks.

		RENO
	All right, you sick son of a bitch!  We 
	know you're in there!  Surrender or we'll 
	shoot you!

INT: SANTA'S WORKSHOP
Santa and the elves are reacting to the ruckus outside.

		SANTA
	What in the world?

		HOLO-SANTA (VO)
	We tried to talk to them, but we were 
	rebuffed.

EXT: SANTA'S WORKSHOP
An elf comes out the front door holding a hammer.

		ELF
	Excuse me, can we help you?

		RENO
		[off camera]
	LOOK OUT!  HE'S GOT A HAMMER!!!

The ATF officers shoot the elf dead.

EXT: SANTA'S WORKSHOP - LONG SHOT
Tanks surround the place and Hanson's "Mmm Bop" is played loudly over
massive speakers.

		HOLO-SANTA (VO)
	Unless the army leaves by tonight, I will 
	be unable to deliver presents to the 
	children of the world.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

LIAM'S APARTMENT: AS BEFORE

		HOLO-SANTA
	Help me, Liam Smith...  You're our only 
	hope.

Holo-Santa fades.

		LIAM
	Wow...  It's up to me to save Christmas!  
	But, how am I supposed to get all the 
	way up to the North Pole?

There's a knock at the window.  Liam goes and opens up the curtains
revealing Santa's sleigh and nine reindeer:  DASHER, DANCER, PRANCER,
VIXEN, COMET, CUPID, DONNER, BLITZEN, AND RUDOLPH.  The sleigh has been
riddled with bullets.

		LIAM
	Wow!

		RUDOLPH
	Hurry up!  Get in!

		BLITZEN
	Yeah, we don't have a lot of time!

		LIAM
	You guys can talk?

		COMET
	Yeah!  Come on, Liam!  We've got to hurry!

Liam nods and jumps into the sleigh. 

EXT: UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - AERIAL SHOT
Santa's sleigh takes off into the sky with Liam aboard and heads North.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK

- Nuprin: Little, Yellow, Different, Better.
- Saturn: A different kind of company, a different kind of car.
- Raise your hand if your Sure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXT: THE SKY
Santa's sleigh flies over.

THE SLEIGH
Liam is sitting in the driver's seat.

		LIAM
	Are we there yet?

		DANCER
	For cripe's sake, will you stop 
	asking that!?

		LIAM
	So... are we there yet?

		DASHER
	A few more minutes.

		DONNER
	Yeah, so sit down and shut up!

		LIAM
	You know, I have a friend named Donner.

		DONNER
	Lucky fu-(BLEEP!)-cking him!

		PRANCER
	Donner!

		DONNER
	Oh, bite me!

		LIAM
	You really remind me of him, you know.

Santa's sleigh flies towards the workshop.

		RUDOLPH
	Look!  That army is still here!

		LIAM
	That's the ATF!

		VIXEN
	The what?

		LIAM
	Ammo, Tabacco, and Firearms!

		DONNER
	But we have no ammo, only the elves 
	smoke, and we haven't delivered any 
	guns since '76!  What does the ATF 
	want with us?

		LIAM
	I guess they think you're stockpiling 
	weapons!

		RUDOLPH
	Hey, speaking of weapons...!

Liam looks down.  The ATF is aiming a large missile and several machine
guns a the sleigh.  Janet Reno has a bullhorn.

		RENO
	You up there!  Land your aircraft or 
	we will be forced to shoot!  You have 
	ten seconds to comply!  Ten... Nine... 
	Eight... Aw, screw it.  FIRE!!!

The ATF fires on the sleigh.

		RUDOLPH
	Holy crap!

		DANCER
	Oh my god, they killed Prancer!

		DONNER
	You BASTARDS!!!

The ATF fires the missile.

		COMET
	INCOMING!!!

The missile hits the sleigh shattering it into a million pieces in a
huge fireball.

INT: SANTA'S WORKSHOP
Santa and the head elf have just watched the sleigh explode.

		SANTA
	Oh my God!

		HEAD ELF
	SWEET JESUS!!!

		SANTA
	That boy was our last hope.

		HEAD ELF
	Well, we're screwed.
		[to another elf]
	Bob, take a white flag and surrender.

		BOB
	D'oh, okay!

Bob gets a white flag and leaves.

EXT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP
Bob opens the front door and waves the white flag.

		RENO
		[off camera]
	LOOK OUT!  HE'S GOT A FLAG!  FIRE!

The officers kill Bob in a hail of bullet.

INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP
As before.

		HEAD ELF
	Oh man, we are so screwed.

EXT. THE SKY
The surviving reindeer swoop to safety.  Liam is riding on Rudolph's
back.

		LIAM
	What do we do now?

		RUDOLPH
	Now we quit screwing around!  Now, 
	we break some heads!

Rudolph swoops down towards the ATF.  His red nose glows to life and
gets brighter and brighter until it erupts into a lazer beam which fires
on the tanks surrounding the workshop.  Another missile is launched at
Liam and Rudolph.

		LIAM
	Rudy!  Look out!

		RUDOLPH
	Oh CRAP!!!

Rudolph dives and does all sorts of maneuvers to loose the missile but
to no avail.

		LIAM
	Rudy!  It's still with us!

		RUDOLPH
	I... can't... loose... it!

The missile is about to impact when all of the sudden, DANCER and
BLITZEN swoop in between Rudolph and the missile.

		DANCER AND BLITZEN
	FREEEEEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMMM!!!

Dancer and Blitzen collide with the missile which explodes in a huge
fireball.  Blood and reindeer parts rain down on the ATF.

		LIAM
	Rudy, we'll never last up here!  Take 
	us down!

		RUDOLPH
	I'm not arguing.

Meanwhile, the other reindeer are trying to stay alive.

		COMET
	I've been hit!  I've been hiiiiiiiiiiit!

Comet crashes into the ground and explodes in a large fireball.

		DONNER
	Comet!  No!  Noooooooo!

There's another explosion of fire, blood, and reindeer meat.

		DONNER
	Dasher!  No!!!

Another explosion.

		DONNER
	CUPID!  No!!!

A missile narrowly misses Donner.

		DONNER
	Holy Christ!  I'm getting the hell out 
	of here!

Donner swoops down towards the workshop.

INT. THE WORKSHOP
Rudolph and Liam come in for a landing which they do gracefully.  Donner
comes in next.  Santa comes up to him.

		SANTA
	Donner!  Vixen!?  Where's Vixen!?

		DONNER
	He was right behind me! He was...

		HEAD ELF
	Here he comes!

Off in the distance, a reindeer approaches the runway.

		RUDOLPH
	My god! He's coming in too fast!

		SANTA
	He'll burn up!

		HEAD ELF
	Vixen!  Brake!  Brake!  BRAKE!!!

Vixen barrels into the runway, catches fire, and crashes at the far end.  
Dozens of elves run over with extinguishers and puts the flaming
reindeer out.  Santa, Rudolph, Donner, and the Head Elf run over.

		DONNER
	Vixen!  My god, Vixen!

		PARAMEDIC ELF
	It doesn't look good.

		DONNER
	Don't say that!  He's going to be 
	all right!

		VIXEN
	No... he's... he's right.  This is it.  
	I'm going to that big... workshop in 
	the... in the sky.

		DONNER
	Vix, don't... don't...

Vixen grabs Liam getting blood on Liam's shirt.

		VIXEN
	Save... Christmas... Li...

Vixen dies.

		HEAD ELF
	He's gone.

		DONNER
	NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

		LIAM
	Vixen may be dead, but his dream isn't.  
	His last wish was for me to save Christmas 
	and, as God as my witness, I will!  I will!

		RUDOLPH
	...and how are you going to do that?

Liam opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.  A blank look
crosses his face.

		SANTA
	That's what I though.  I knew I should 
	have gotten the Navy Seals up here!  Liam Smith!
	What the hell was I thinking!?

FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK

- Got Milk?
- The Un-Cola
- The Taste of a New Generation

------------------------------------------------------------------------

FADE IN

EXT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP
The ATF is still surrounding the place.

INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP
Liam, Santa, The Head Elf, Rudolph, and Donner are going over their
options.
	
		SANTA
	Okay, if we don't surrender the ATF will
	kill us.

		HEAD ELF
	And if we do surrender, the ATF will 
	kill us.

		LIAM
	What if we use Rudy's nose-o-death?

		RUDOLPH
	My nose against a whole army?  I'm good, but 
	I'm not that good.  I'm going to need help.

		DONNER
	But from who?

		LIAM
	Oh my god!  I've got an idea!

		SANTA
	What?

		LIAM
	I need a donut!

		HEAD ELF
	What kind?

		LIAM
	Doesn't matter.  Well, I need one in 
	the shape of an "O".

		SANTA
	I think there's one left in this box.

Santa hands Liam the donut.

		DONNER
	Now, what's your plan?

Liam takes a bite of the donut.

		LIAM
	Oh, man... that's good.  Mmmmmmmm.

		DONNER
	I... am... going... to kick your ass!

		LIAM
	Relax, Donner.  This is all part of my 
	plan.  As you can see... the "O" is now a "C".

		HEAD ELF
	So what?

		LIAM
	Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you 
	light my pastry tonight?

		RUDOLPH
	What?

		LIAM
	Make your nose light up like it's never been 
	lit up before.

		RUDOLPH
	All right... but this had better be a good 
	idea.

Rudolph's nose lights up creating a beam of light into the night sky. 
Liam holds the doughnut into the beam.

EXT. THE WORKSHOP
The red beam of light shoots into the night sky.  The ATF, of course,
fire mindlessly at it.

EXT. SPACE
The beam fires off the earth's surface and hits the moon.

EXT. LAS VEGAS, NEVADA
High above the city, CAPEMAN flies through the air.

		CAPEMAN
	Well, it appears that all is well in 
	the city on this Christmas Eve.  I 
	suppose I should go home and celebrate 
	the season as my secret identity.  
	That's right, I'm going to spend Christmas 
	as...

Capeman sees the red light on the moon.  Liam's doughnut has created a
Bat-signal type effect creating a giant "C" shape on the moon.

		CAPEMAN
	Great googly-moogly!  I'm needed!

Capeman flies north.

INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP
As before.

		LIAM
	As soon as Capeman sees this, he'll rush 
	to our rescue and...

A wall explodes and a tank come rolling in.  Janet Reno jumps down and
wield a machine gun.

		RENO
	TAKE NO PRISONERS!!!

Reno fires at Liam and the scene slows down to ultra-slow motion.  The
bullets whiz at Liam.  Donner sees them coming and leaps into action.

		DONNER
	Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

The bullets rip into Donner and he falls dead on the ground.

		LIAM
	Donner!  He gave his life so that I might...

Janet Reno aims her gun at Liam.

		LIAM
	...eep!

		RENO
	Any last words, terrorists?

		SANTA
	Terrorists?  I'm not a terrorist.  I'm 
	Santa Claus.

		RENO
	Santa?  There's no such thing.

		SANTA
	Wait a minute... I remember you.  You're 
	little Janet Reno.  You wanted a Barbie 
	Doll for the Christmas of 1940.

		RENO
	How could you... know?

Santa picks up a nearby box and fishes out a letter.  He opens it and
reads.

		SANTA
	Dear Santa.  I've been ever so good this 
	year.  I would like a Barbi Doll, a puppy, 
	and a semi-automatic machine gun.  Love, 
	Janet.

		RENO
	My god, that's the letter I wrote when 
	I was six years old!

		LIAM
	Mrs. Reno, you've lost touch with the 
	child you used to be.  Think about that 
	little girl who wrote to Santa umpteen 
	years ago.   What would she think about 
	what you're doing here today?  Mrs. Reno, 
	I bet that little girl is crying... and 
	I'm crying because she's crying.  Don't 
	make us cry.

Tears start streaming down Janet Reno's face.

		RENO
	What have I become?  I've been so eager to 
	advance my career that I haven't given a 
	thought to the lives I've been destroying!

		SANTA
	Janet, there's still time.  You can still 
	be that little girl again.

		RENO
	By gum, you're right!  I will!  Today marks 
	the birth of a new Janet Reno!

The other wall explodes and Capeman flys in.

		CAPEMAN
	This is your last stand!

Capeman picks up Reno's tank and smashes her with it over and over
again.

		LIAM
	Capeman!  Capeman!  Stop!  We just got 
	her to change her ways.

		CAPEMAN
	Now how was I supposed to know that?  
	I just got here!

		SANTA
	Good gravy!  I just realized that it's 
	going to be Christmas in a few hours!

		LIAM
	And all but one of your reindeer are dead!

		SANTA
	Oh, the reindeer don't matter!  I've been 
	cloning them for years!  Problem is, I can't 
	grow a new batch in a day!  It takes a week 
	at least.

		CAPEMAN
	What about me?

		SANTA
	Of course!  That's it!  Capeman with your 
	cape so bright, won't you be my sleigh tonight?

		CAPEMAN
	It'll be my pleasure.

Santa gets his magic bag and jumps on Capeman's back.

		SANTA
	Rudy, give Liam a ride home, won't you?

		RUDOLPH
	Sure thing.

Capeman and Santa take off into the night sky.

		RUDOLPH
	Well, I guess we should get...

		MUFFLED VOICE
	Ooooooooooooh...

		HEAD ELF
	Did you hear that?

		LIAM
	Sounds like it's coming from...

Liam, The Head Elf, and Rudolph look at the tank.

FADE TO:

LAS VEGAS HOSPITAL: A FEW HOURS LATER
Janet Reno is in the hospital bed in a full body cast.  The Head Elf,
Rudolph, and Liam are standing there.

		LIAM
	It's a good thing that Capeman only broke 
	every bone in your body and didn't kill you.

		RENO
	Mmmmmmfff!  Mmmmfff!  Mmmmmf!!!

		LIAM
	Yes, you're right.  There was a lesson to 
	be learned from all of this.

		RENO
	Mmmmmmfff!  Mmmmfff!  Mmmmmmfff!  Mmmmmf!!!  
	Mmmmfff!  Mmmmmf!!! Mmmmmmfff!  Mmmmfff!  
	Mmmmmf!!!  Mmmmmmfff!  Mmmmfff!  Mmmmmf!!!
	Mmmmmf!!!Mmmmmmfff!  Mmmmfff!  

The Head Elf wipes away a tear.

		HEAD ELF
	What a moral.  Cosmic, but simple.  Beautiful

		LIAM
	Oh god!  I just remembered!  The complex 
	Christmas party!  I promised Mister Hilter 
	that I'd be there!

		RUDOLPH
	Well, we'd better get going!  Hop on!

Liam hops on Rudolph's back.

		LIAM
	Hi-ho, Rudy...  AWAY!

Rudolph takes off smashing through a window.

EXT. THE NIGHT SKY
We see the full moon.  The silhouette of Capeman and Santa pass in front
of it.

		CAPEMAN
	CAAAAAAAAAAAAAPEMAN!!!

		SANTA
	Merry Christmas to all and to all a good 
	night!

Capeman and Santa fly out of frame.  Liam and Rudolph enters.

		LIAM
	God bless us, everyone!

Liam and Rudolph exit.  A witch flies in.

		WITCH
	I'll get you my pretty, and your little 
	doggie too!

FADE OUT

THE END

ROLL CREDITS