The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.05: "Slide of the Century"
by Jason Donner
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LIAM, HARRY, THAD, and STACY are sitting out in front of the apartments with several card tables, assorted baked goods, and lemonade. A hand-drawn sign says "BAKE SALE TO SAVE UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS!!!". BIPPO THE CLOWN joins them with a large jug of lemonade. BIPPO Here's some more lemonade. So how goes the bake sale? LIAM Badly. BIPPO So I take it we're no where near our goal of one million dollars? How much have we made? STACY [Opens the cash box] 35 cents. BIPPO Wow. Not even enough for a commemorative Al Gore novelty condom! Being poor sucks. Bippo sets the jug of lemonade on the table. STACY Bippo, that's the fourth jug of lemonade you've made and we haven't sold any yet! Why are you even bothering? BIPPO It's easy and fun! HARRY Quiet! Here comes some potential customers! Officers TOOTY and SUNDAY appear. THAD [muttering] Oh, hell... TOOTY Well, well... look who it is, Sunday. SUNDAY It looks like it's Thad Coffey. TOOTY Resident of Upda Creek Apartments. Las Vegas, Nevada. SUNDAY Formerly a resident of Carson City. TOOTY Works at Circus, Circus Casino by day... SUNDAY And at night becomes a viscous flesh-devouring monster werewolf. THAD [nervous] Heh... Heh... Y-Yeah, that's me. STACY Uh, Thad? Who are these guys? THAD These are the detectives who investigated all of the... ahem... nastiness that took place last year. LIAM Nastiness? OH! You mean the time you first turned into a werewolf and killed all those hookers? THAD [under breath] Yeah, Liam... that time. SUNDAY You're lucky we didn't run you in when we had the chance. TOOTY Fortunately for you, lycanthopy is covered under the same laws as temporary insanity and vampirism. THAD W-W-Well, I really appreciate what you did for me. TOOTY We didn't do anything. SUNDAY We weren't allowed to. TOOTY If we were, we would have dragged you out into the street and shot you. THAD Well, never the less.... uh... here! Thad pours them both two glasses of Bippo's lemonade. THAD Let me pour you a glass of this wonderful lemonade. Free of charge! Tooty and Sunday take their glasses. SUNDAY Free lemonade. TOOTY [sarcasm] That'll bring those dead hookers back. Tooty and Sunday drink, then spit out the lemonade wildly. TOOTY Arrrrrrrrgh!!! SUNDAY Bleeeeeeeech!!! LIAM Bippo, what kind of lemons did you use to make that? BIPPO Lemons? HARRY [looks at the yellow liquid in the jugs Bippo brought] Bippo.... you didn't!!! Sunday and Tooty are throwing up uncontrollably. STACY Bippo, what do you have to say for yourself!? BIPPO Be glad they didn't try the fudge. FADE OUT ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- THEME SONG (Sung to "Tears in my Fro") The Liam Smith Show is back for another date with yooooouuuuuuuuuuuu! Sliders are the property of Universal, this is all in great fun, so please don't sue! OLÉ! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW Starring Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith" Guest Starring Micheal Nelson as "Thad Coffey" Robert Floyd as "Bippo the Clown" Cameron Diaz as "Stacy VaVoom" Rupaul as "Chocolate Treat" and The Stick as "Harry the Handyman" Also Starring Triumph the Insult Comic Dog George Clooney as "Detective Sunday" and Danny DeVito as "Detective Tooty" With Tembe Locke as "Diana Davis" Robert Floyd as "Mallory" and Kari Wuhrer as "Maggie Beckett" And Special Guest Star John Ryhs Davies as "Professor Maximillion Arturo"INT. A JAIL CELL Liam, Bippo, and Thad are walked inside and the door is shut behind them. LIAM I don't believe it! THAD What, that we got thrown in jail because Bippo was passing off bodily fluids as lemonade? LIAM No, that Stacy and Harry weren't arrested too! I tell you why Stacy wasn't arrested! It's because she's a girl! And cute! What cop would arrest her! It's enough to make me write my congressman if I knew or cared who he is! BIPPO How'd Harry get out of the arrest? LIAM He told them that he had a video camera and he wasn't afraid to use it. THAD Bastard! I knew I should have thought of that! Liam sits down on a bench and puts his head in his hands. Bippo walks off. THAD You all right, Liam? LIAM No. No, I'm not all right! Everything's falling apart! [he begins crying] First, we loose Mister Hitler, then his daughter comes to town and forcloses on the apartments unless we raise a million dollars in less than, what? Two weeks now? And now... Now we're in jail! No one is as miserable as I am! VOICE No one, eh? Liam, Bippo, and Thad turn around and see a large man sitting on a bench in the corner. During the following speech, he turns and faces the camera. On his last sentence, we finally see that he is PROFESSOR ARTURO from Sliders. ARTURO Let me tell you about my little misfortune. I was sucked into a vortex by a tragically smart undisciplined brat and spent three years hopping from parallel universe to parallel universe until I was shot by a madman named Rickman and left for dead by my friends. After that, I was taken and recessitated by a species called the Kromaggs who tested me and humiliated me and, ahem... [silently] ...probed me... [normal] ...until I escaped with a homemade and very primitive sliding device which has, unfortunately, burned out and stranded me on this stupid little earth of yours. I, my friends, am bad luck incarnent. LIAM Wow, sounds rough. I'm Liam Smith. Arturo regards him for a moment, then shakes his hand. LIAM Hey, Bippo! Come over here! CUT TO: Bippo is talking to a large tattooed biker guy. BIPPO ...and I just want you to know, that if me and my friends are in here long, [he hugs him] I want to be yours. LIAM Bippo! BIPPO Coming! Bippo skips over to Liam, Thad, and Arturo. LIAM Bippo, this is... [a beat] I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. ARTURO Professor Maximillion Arturo, professor of cosmology and ontology. BIPPO Quite a long name there, Professor Ontology. THAD Shut up, Bippo. So, what are you in for? Arturo seems surprised. ARTURO Wait a minute, I just told you that I am a traveler from a parallel universe and none of you find that odd? LIAM My hamster tried to murder me. BIPPO I barfed garlic into the face of Dracula. THAD And I'm a werewolf! ARTURO Good lord. [a pause] Oh, what the hell? I don't suppose you know where I can find a brilliant scientist that can help me construct a new timer so that I can finally rejoin my friends again, do you? BIPPO Harry. ARTURO Do what? BIPPO Harry! Harry What's-his-Face! He's our handyman! He can fix anything! LIAM That's right! He did turn my VCR into a time machine! ARTURO [mutters] Why do I even bother speaking to these people? A guard appears at the cell door. GUARD Coffey, Thad. Smith, Liam. D. Clown, Bippo. Someone has paid your bail. You're free to go. LIAM Who? TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG appears behind the guard. TRIUMPH Liam Smith in jail! Who would have thought I would have seen the day! This is worse than a case of heartworms! LIAM Triumph? What are you doing back in Las Vegas? TRIUMPH I'm attracted to Vegas the same way ticks are attracted to my ass! Come on, tator tot! This place smells like a four day old unflushed toilet. Arturo stares at Triumph. ARTURO Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Do you not realize that we have a talking canine in our presence! TRIUMPH Who's the nincompoop? ARTURO I am NOT a nincompoop! I am a well versed professor of cosmology! TRIUMPH So you're a well-versed professor nincompoop! ARTURO Watch who you're calling a nincompoop, you short, ugly, flea-bitten mongrel! TRIUMPH Who are you calling short, fatso!? ARTURO FATSO!? You slack-jawed tosser! TRIUMPH You stinky blubber-butt! ARTURO Blithering ninny! TRIUMPH Rolly poley! ARTURO Mangey mutt! TRIUMPH Fatty fatty two-by-four! ARTURO Genetic fluke! TRIUMPH That is a great insult. ARTURO You think? TRIUMPH FOR ME TO POOP ON!!! ARTURO You... You... YOU...!!!! Arturo grows red. Steam shoot out his ears. ARTURO BLISTERING IDIOT!!! The ground shakes. EXT. LAS VEGAS SKYLINE Arturo's words can be heard echoing. Flocks of birds fly away in terror. ECHO ...IDIOT! ...IDIOT! ...IDIOT!!! EXT. THE LEMONADE STAND Harry and Stacy are still trying to sell lemonade. Harry looks at Stacy. HARRY You say something? INT. THE JAIL Thad, Liam, Bippo, the guards, and assorted prisoners are covering their ears. Dust falls harmlessly from the ceiling. Triumph looks at the professor for a moment, then turns to the guard. TRIUMPH I want to bail out Pavoratti here, too. ARTURO You...? You're bailing me out? TRIUMPH It is rare that a comic of my breeding and breed happens upon one who's skills of humiliation and insult equals his own. You are one to be watched Professor. You have, what I like to call... a gift. ARTURO I have a gift? TRIUMPH Yes. There is a long pause. TRIUMPH FOR ME TO POOP ON!!! FADE OUT ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Gimmie a light. - Now available in paperback! - Don't squeeze the Charmin, bitch! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP Arturo, Liam, Thad, and Bippo are walking. ARTURO Let's keep track, shall we? I have landed in a world of werewolfs, talking dogs, and homicidal hamsters? LIAM That and hundred-foot Spice Girls, ghosts, Satan, evil divas, greedy superheroes, fish men, possessed orphaned Cuban kids, mole men, Denny's Nazis... ARTURO Have you ever heard the phrase "leave well enough alone?" CHOCOLATE TREAT jumps out of an alley and into the professor's arms. CHOCOLATE TREAT ...and have you ever heard the phrase "leave cab fare on the night stand"? ARTURO I beg your-- CHOCOLATE TREAT Liam, honey, who's your friend? He's cute in a Sala from Indiana Jones kind of way! LIAM Chocolate Treat, this is Professor Maximillion Arturo. He's from a parallel earth. He calls himself a slider. CHOCOLATE TREAT Really, well, slippery when wet, baby! LIAM Chocolate Treat? We really have to be going. CHOCOLATE TREAT But can't I slide all over the professor? Where it's the same year, and I'm the same person... but the sensation is totally different? THAD [whispers in Treat's ear] He has no money. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh. Without a word, Chocolate Treat jumps out of Arturo's arms and walks down the street. CHOCOLATE TREAT Nice meeting you. She walks out of sight. ARTURO What a lovely creature. Liam, Bippo, and Thad stare at him. LIAM Professor? ARTURO Hm? LIAM Uh... you know... shouldn't we...? ARTURO Yes... I suppose we should. [to himself] Ah, Chocolate Treat. BIPPO [whispers in his ear] She has no food. ARTURO Oh. Well. F-[BLEEP!]-k her. LIAM I've been trying to avoid it. FADE OUT --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Must See Thursdays! - T.G.I.F Friday! - Saturday Crap-o-rama! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- INT. HARRY'S APARTMENT Harry the Handyman is looking over Arturo's computations on a blackboard. Liam, Thad, and Bippo look on. HARRY Interesting formula, professor. But do you honestly think that the quadratics of the integers allow for multiple permutations across the space time continuum when it's obvious that the use of pi in the eighth portion discards the possibly of a null set? ARTURO Null set? [he looks at the board] All right, who erased the 2? Thad and Bippo snicker. ARTURO Incompetent halfwits! Arturo writes a two into the equation. HARRY Ah, that's better. [he studies it] By jove, you're right! It's an equation proving the existence of parallel universes and stuff and, not only that, it allows travel between those universes! Imagine... Worlds where anything is possible. Where you're the same person, but everything else is different. A world where dinosaurs never died... a world where Donald Trump, Newt Gingrich, and Rush Limbaugh managed to stay married only once! A world with poverty, disease, and HMOs! My god, can you imagine? ARTURO Then you can help me build a new timer? HARRY Build it, hell! According to these computations... I have a rebuilt dustbuster that does the same thing! Harry picks up a dustbuster, hits the "suck" button, and a wormhole forms in front of them. HARRY I feel silly. All this time, I thought it was a quantum singularity! I guess I'm a moron, huh? ARTURO [stunned] What? [realizes] Yes you are. Now, give me that! Arturo takes the dustbuster and enters some coordinates. ARTURO Allowing for the random pattern of travel between universes, Quinn, Wade, and Rembrandt should be on Earth #482199. [He turns to the others] Goodbye, my new friends. And, thank you. It' been... [a pause] I don't know what it's been, but it's been something. Arturo turns and jumps into the wormhole. Liam, Bippo, and Thad walk up to the aperture and look in. LIAM Wow, so he's really gone to a parallel world, huh? HARRY Yes, and I hope he finds what he's looking for. [a pause] Guys, don't lean in too far, you might get... Bippo, Thad, and Liam are sucked into the wormhole. HARRY ...sucked in. The Wormhole snaps shut. HARRY Hell. INT. THE WORMHOLE Bippo, Thad, Liam, and Arturo tumble through the multi colored tunnel. BIPPO My god, it's full of stars! INT. A ROOM THe wormhole opens. Arturo, Liam, Thad, and Bippo tumble out onto the floor. ARTURO What are you people doing here!? LIAM We got sucked in! It wasn't our fault! Hey, what's this wet stuff all over us? THAD [holding mouth] Sorry man. Couldn't hold my lunch. Arturo, disgusted, begins walking down the hall. BIPPO That was bitchin'! Let's do it again! ARTURO No! I must find Quinn, Wade, and Rembrandt! They'll all be so happy to... Arturo, Liam, Bippo, and Thad enter a room and see MALLORY, DIANA, and MAGGIE crowded around the body of THE SEER. This is, of course, right after the series finale of Sliders. ARTURO Oh, excuse me. Wrong room. LIAM [wide eyed] KARI! Liam leaps into Maggie's arms and snuggles against her breasts. LIAM I KNEW you'd come back to me! Maggie drops him. MAGGIE I don't know who you are, Tom Thumb, but I'm in no mood to... [she sees the professor] Professor Arturo? ARTURO Do I know you? MAGGIE It's me! Maggie Beckett! From scientifically implausible pulsar world! I thought you got shot and died there! ARTURO Wait a minute... you ARE Maggie Beckett! What the devil are you doing here!? MAGGIE After you died, I became a slider and traveled with Quinn, Wade, and Rembrandt to track down your killer, Colonel Rickman. ARTURO I see. And did you succeed? MAGGIE Yes. ARTURO Wonderful! Where are the others? I'd like to offer my congratulations to Quinn. Mallory jumps to his side grinning like a big stupid dumb idiot. Arturo looks at him with disdain. ARTURO ...and you are? MALLORY I'm Quinn Mallory. Arturo scoffs. MALLORY I am! ARTURO You most certainly are not! Quinn was smart. You look like you couldn't blow your nose if your brains were made out of dynamite! MAGGIE Let me explain, professor. You see, Quinn was sliding as happily as you please when a mad scientist merged him with Mallory, here. ARTURO Merged? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! [looks at Diana] And who the hell are you suppose to be, a merged Wade? DIANA Actually. Wade's dead. Arturo is shocked. MAGGIE Thank you Diana. DIANA It wasn't pretty. MAGGIE Okay, Diana. DIANA Actually, we're not sure if she's really dead. MAGGIE That's enough, Diana! DIANA But I'm sure if she isn't, right now, I bet she wishes she is! MAGGIE DIANA! SHUT UP!!! Arturo sits. ARTURO And... Rembrandt? MALLORY You just missed him... Arturo smiles. MALLORY ...sacrificing himself. Arturo jumps up. ARTURO WHAT!? MALLORY Yeah, he just slid to Earth Prime to save it from the Kromaggs. ARTURO Kromaggs? MAGGIE Er... y-yeah, the Kromaggs sort-of took over your home Earth a while back. They really made a mess of the place too. Arturo sinks back down. THAD Sooooooooo... you're saying that everyone and everything that Professor Arturo knew and loved is gone? MAGGIE Pretty much. Maggie looks to her left and sees a glassy-eyed Liam staring at her. MAGGIE I'm about to punch you in the face, dweeb! LIAM [dazed] Yes. Yes, they are. Diana walks over to the professor. DIANA Professor, I'm sorry. I know that what's happened while you've been gone seems to be incredible. Implausible. Badly written, even. But you will always have a place with us. You can become a slider, again. ARTURO Thank you, my dear. But, on the other hand. F-[BLEEP!]-K YOU! DIANA I beg your pardon? ARTURO For three years I slid looking for home and now it appears that THAT wasn't good enough! Noooooo, now we have to go off looking for killers, mysterious home worlds, and ways to jam two people into one! Arturo begins to pace. We see Bippo standing next to Mallory. As Arturo walks by them, they disappear to the left of the frame. ARTURO No, my friends! I'm tired and there is nothing for me to find galavanting to the four corners of time and space! I'm through with sliding! I'm through with being an interdimensional nomad! Arturo paces back. As he gets to the pace where Bippo and Mallory was standing, we now only see Bippo cleaning off a blood-stained knife. Mallory has disappeared. ARTURO [to Maggie] Screw you! [to Diana] Screw you! [to Mallory] and screw... [sees that Mallory is gone] You... wherever you went! I'd be better off going to live with these three imbeciles! THAD You mean that? ARTURO YES! Let's go home! Arturo activates the dustbuster timer and opens a wormhole. Thad picks up Liam - still in a daze - and chucks him into the wormhole, and jumps in himself. Bippo starts towards the vortex. DIANA Hey, aren't those Mallory's shoes? Bippo looks down. BIPPO Would Mallory wear shoes caked with this much blood? Bippo jumps into the wormhole. MAGGIE Are you sure, professor? I'm sure your going to be missing out on a great adventure! All sorts of worlds to study! ARTURO Study THIS, you big-boobed bimbo! Arturo (unseen to the camera, of course) moons them and then jumps into the vortex. MAGGIE I'M BLIND! AGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!! Maggie runs around in circles trying to claw her own eyes out. Diana has finally noticed that Mallory is missing. DIANA [searching] Mallory? Mallory? FADE TO: UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - A FEW DAYS LATER Harry and Arturo enter an empty unfurnished apartment. HARRY ...used to belong to Mister Hilter, but obviously he won't be using it anymore. ARTURO Well, I do thank you for the lodgings, sir. HARRY Think nothing of it, Professor. It's not everyday that a genuine extra- dimensional visitor graces our apartments. ARTURO Well, I guess I should get moved in, eh? Arturo walks over and throws a t-shirt onto the floor. ARTURO There. All done! Liam enters. LIAM Good morning, professor! ARTURO Good morning, Liam. LIAM I talked to my boss and she said that she might have a job for you at Circus Circus. A word of warning, though... don't check the box on the application that asks if you'd volunteer for medical experiments. I made that mistake when I first started there and I'm only now getting rid of those damn breasts. Liam gently fondles them and smiles. LIAM I guess I am going to miss them a little. ARTURO I'm not sure about this. LIAM Relax, Max! After a few weeks, you'll see that life here isn't bad at all! In fact, it's almost tolerable! Well, I guess we'll leave you alone now. Harry and Liam turn to leave. ARTURO Before you chaps leave, there is something I want to ask. HARRY What is it? ARTURO You know that talking dog that bailed me out of jail? LIAM Triumph? ARTURO Yes, Triumph. I got a letter from him saying that he was coming to collect on the favor. Any idea what he meant? HARRY No, but I'd watch where I step if I were you. Harry and Liam leave. ARTURO [looks at letter] "...collect on the favor?" Hmmmm... There is a knock at the door. ARTURO Coming! Arturo opens the door revealing TRIUMPH standing there with several trunks and suitcases. TRIUMPH Hello... [a pause] ROOMMATE!!! Arturo stares at Truiumph in shock as we... FADE OUT THE END ROLL CREDITS