THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 2.01: "The Big Ones, Part Two"
Written by Jason Donner
PREVIOUSLY ON THE LIAM SMITH SHOW...
Episode 1.21: "Booby Trap"
GARY THE FANBOY and STACY VaVOOM are having a big fight.
GARY
You're breaking up with me?
STACY
Yes, Gary... we're THROUGH!
Episode 1.22: "The Big Ones, Part One"
DONNER unexpectedly meets KARI WUHRER at the airport
DONNER
Wha... Wha... Wha... Wha...!
KARI WUHRER
Hi, I'm Kari Wuhrer.
DONNER
Big...!
KARI WUHRER
I was wondering if you could tell me where I could find a
man named Liam Smith.
DONNER
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I was staring at your
breasts.
SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS confronts LIAM SMITH, THAD COFFEY, and BIPPO THE CLOWN at
Circus Circus
SENESTRA
Your fired. All three of you.
LIAM
We...!? We're fired!? But...!?
Liam and the others have been thrown out of Circus Circus
LIAM
I'm saying we have rights as workers and we don't have to
take this crap! I'm saying we do what the workers at the
Frontier did! We picket Circus Circus until we're hired
again! As GOD is my witness... we will never be
unemployed again!
Thad and Bippo start clapping.
MISTER HILTER is talking to STACY VaVOOM about GARY THE FANBOY
STACY
I don't know... I look at that pathetic little face and
my heart... it melts.
HILTER
Don't tell me you... you still LOVE Gary the Fanboy!
STACY
Oh, it's true! It's true! I do still love him.
Stacy collapses into Hilter's arms crying.
HILTER
Oh, Jesus.
Liam, Thad, and Bippo are sitting on the curb of Circus Circus still trying
to strike. HARRY THE HANDYMAN walks up.
HARRY
Maybe I can help. I used to be quite a wildcat back in
my college days.
Senestra is watching the strike, concerned.
SENESTRA
Blast! Harry the Handyman appears to be a master at the
art of worker rights! This could hurt my profits! I
suppose I will have to eliminate him from the equation.
Donner, Kari Wuhrer, DORIS WINCHESTER, CHOCOLATE TREAT, Mister Hilter, and
Stacy, are jammed into a 1973 pinto.
DONNER
What's the deal with you and Liam, anyway?
KARI WUHRER
Well... it's a long story. Let's just say that I have
something to give him. Something he'll NEVER be able to
forget.
Everyone stares at her.
DONNER
Yay, Liam.
Gary the Fanboy finds ELVIS in Liam's apartment.
GARY
I HAVE to see her. I see now that I was foolish and that
I DO love her. Don't you see, Elvis! I want to marry
her!
The earth begins shaking as Donner and Kari Wuher look for Liam at the Circus
Circus strike.
DONNER
What the hell's going on!?
KARI WUHRER
It's an EARTHQUAKE!
Donner and Kari fall backwards into a gaping hole in the road. Liam dives
for Kari's hand but misses it and watches her and Donner fall into the black
hole.
LIAM
Kari! NOOOOOOOOO!!!
A chunk of concrete hits Thad on the arm and rips off his werewolf patch. He
grabs his arm in pain, transforms into the werewolf, and goes after Bippo.
The shaking has gotten more violent. In Senestra's office, SENESTRA
MALEVOLOUS, ROCK, and TANK are being thrown about. After a little while, the
three of them are thrown out the window of the thirtieth story.
The Circus Circus sign collapses and falls on HARRY THE HANDYMAN.
Stacy and Gary try to get at each other during the quake only to be buried by
a collapsing building along with Elvis.
Doris and Chocolate Treat turn around and see the Planet Hollywood sign
rolling towards them. The theme to Indiana Jones begin to play as the two of
them run away from it. Right before it runs them down, Chocolate Treat
shoves Doris out of the way and is run over.
The shaking is finally subsiding. Bippo runs into the alley with the
werewolf on his tail. Bippo reaches a dead end and turns around just in time
to see the werewolf leap for the kill.
The earthquake has stopped. Liam Smith stands up and looks around to see
nothing but rubble and bodies on the street. Down the strip, the multi-
million dollar casinos lie in ruins. Mister Hilter and Doris stumble over to
him.
HILTER
Now, there's a possibility that they're are people still
alive under this rubble. We need to dig and get them
out... but, make no illusion... I don't think there's a
chance in hell of all of our friends surviving such a
catastrophe!
And now, the conclusion....
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP OUTSIDE OF CIRCUS CIRCUS
MISTER HILTER, DORIS WINCHESTER, and LIAM are digging through the debris
trying to free those trapped under it. Liam stops.
LIAM
This is hopeless!
HILTER
It's not hopeless, Liam! It's never hopeless! Keep
digging.
DORIS
If only we had a sign... a symbol... something to
reassure us!
At that moment, the DECOYMOBILE rounds the corner and DECOY: THE LIVING
TARGET IV jumps out and puts his hands on his hips looking quite heroic as
his cape flutters in the smoke and wind.
DORIS
See? There's our symbol! There's nothing to worry about
n--
A giant piece of concrete falls out of the sky and squashes Decoy like a bug.
Blood splatters on Doris, Liam, and Hilter.
DORIS
SH-[BLEEP!]-T!
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG
(sung to the theme of "Blame Canada")
Yes we're back,
from our little break.
It's been three months
as hiatus stipulates.
We left you on pins and needles!
We hope you understand!
The answers you've been waiting for are at hand!
'Cause...
The Liam Show!
CHORUS: THE LIAM SHOW
It's been a little while since last we made you smile!
The Liam Show
CHORUS: THE LIAM SHOW
For...
Believe us the most, the city is toast. And now we will find who is gonna
die. No need to fear or wallow in woe, it's the season two of this stupid
Shoooooooooooooow!
OLÉ!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
Ed Asner
as
"Mister Hilter"
GUEST STARRING
Billy Blanks
as
"Tank"
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
John Goodman
as
"Elvis"
Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
Dolph Lungren
as
"Rock"
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"
The Stick
as
"Harry the Handyman"
Betty White
as
"Doris Winchester"
and
Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY
Jonathan Lipnicki
as
"Decoy: The Living Target IV"
Kenneth Braggah
as
"Doctor Frank N. Stein"
AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR
Kari Wuhrer
as
"Herself"
EXT. AN ALLEY
BIPPO THE CLOWN is up against the wall at the dead-end of the alley. The
WEREWOLF is slowly closing in on him.
BIPPO
Find a happy place... Find a happy place!
The werewolf leaps in for the kill.
BIPPO
AH!
Bippo ducks and the werewolf smacks up against the brick wall and knock's
itself out. Bippo gets up, dusts himself off, and looks at the fallen
werewolf.
BIPPO
[to camera]
Boy... you waited three months to see if I was going to
live or die and that's the reward you got? Man,
if I was you, I'd be pissed!
Bippo walks out of the alley.
INT. A SEWER
As we fade in, we see a close up of the unconscious face of KARI WUHRER. The
camera zooms out to reveal DONNER sitting next to her looking in her eyes,
trying to wake her up.
DONNER
Miss Wuhrer? Wake up, Miss Wuhrer!
No response.
DONNER
Come on Kari, baby, you have to wake up!
No response. Donner gets an idea.
DONNER
[whispers in her ear]
Kari, my wife's home.
Kari Wuhrer instantly jumps to her feet and starts running around looking for
a closet to hide in. After a few seconds, she realizes what's going on.
KARI WUHRER
D-Donner? Where are we?
DONNER
Judging by the smell, the medical wastes floating over
there, and the forty-foot mutant alligator that swam by
five minutes ago, I'd say that we fell into the sewer.
Donner points up to a gaping hole in the ceiling. It's huge and we are
unable to see daylight from it.
KARI WUHRER
Well, I can say without a doubt that Las Vegas has been a
major disappointment so far. I didn't even get to see
Liam! I've got to see Liam.
Kari Wuhrer begins tousling Donner's hair. During the following dialogue,
Donner's foot begins to thump the ground sort of like when you scratch a dog
in just the right spot.
KARI WUHRER
Donnie... I really, really need to see Liam.
Earthquake or no earthquake. I know you can take me to
him... Will you take me to him?
DONNER
Honey, I'd sacrifice my first born child to you if you
want me to!
KARI WUHRER
[thinks about it]
One thing at a time, please.
Donner takes Kari Wuhrer's hand and the two of them start walking down the
sewer, looking for a way out.
EXT. CIRCUS CIRCUS ALLEYWAY - DAY
We see a dumpster. After a little moaning, a leather-clad hand appears and
SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS pulls herself out of the bin.
SENESTRA
An earthquake? Here in Las Vegas? What are the odds of
THAT happening!? Boy, it's a good thing that the bodies
that were already in this dumpster broke my fall.
She looks down and picks a Rolex off of an unseen corpse. She then jumps out
of the bin.
SENESTRA
Oooooo... When I find Rock and Tank, I'm going to make
them both pay! I'm not sure how, yet, but this
earthquake MUST have been their fault!
[yelling]
ROCK!? TANK!? WHERE ARE YOU WORTHLESS SACKS OF SH--
She stops dead in her tracks. Right in front of her are ROCK and TANK. Both
of them landed on the concrete and it's fairly certain by the broken bones,
the blood, and the crater in the concrete, that both of her henchmen are
quite dead.
SENESTRA
Rock? Tank?
She advances slowly upon them and takes their pulses.
SENESTRA
ROCK! TANK!
THE ALLEY - ARIAL SHOT
Senestra gets to her feet and raises her fists to the air.
SENESTRA
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS SKYLINE
SENESTRA'S VOICE
[echoing]
NOOO! NOOO! NOOO! NOOO!
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
The street is in ruins. Liam, Doris, and Mister Hilter are busy digging
through the debris on the street. The camera finds a pile of rubble and
zooms in on it.
INT. THE PILE OF RUBBLE
We find GARY THE FANBOY trapped under a couple of tons of rock and cement and
stuff. he looks very uncomfortable as a broken two-by-four is poking him in
the ribcage and water from a broken main is dripping on his head.
GARY
I-I-I can't die like this! I haven't seen Episode Two or Star
Trek 10 or The X-Men movie yet!
STACY VaVOOM'S VOICE
Gary? Is that you whining?
GARY
Stacy!? You're alive! Help me! Get me out of here!
ELVIS' VOICE
I'm alive too I anyone's wondering!
STACY'S VOICE
Shut up, Elvis! I can't get you out of there, Gary. I'm
trapped too.
GARY
Darn. Are you in as much pain as I am?
INT. A CAVERN IN THE RUBBLE.
Through some cosmic fluke, STACY VaVOOM has been trapped in a little cavern
in the rubble complete with a bed, an easy chair, running water, a bubble
bath, and a refrigerator full of Jenny Craig.
STACY
Yeah. I dropped a package of Salisbury Steak on my foot.
Man, that's gonna be bruised in the morning.
GARY'S VOICE
You dropped a what on your foot? You're trapped,
right?
STACY
Yeah, Gary, I'm trapped.
INTERCUT BETWEEN GARY AND STACY
GARY
Listen, Stacy... I'm sorry about that whole getting
married to Carmen Electra thing. I don't know what I
was thinking. I guess I just wanted to hurt you
because... well... when I thought you were being
unfaithful to me it was like someone spooned out my heart
with an ice cream scoop and then put butterscotch on it
and served it al la carte! You know what I'm saying?
ELVIS' VOICE
What about butterscotch?
GARY
The point is... I miss you and I don't want to fight
anymore.
STACY
Gary. I don't want to fight anymore either. I know now
that you are my one and only and stuff and, well... I
love ya.
GARY
Stacy, will you marry me?
Stacy is silent.
GARY
Stacy, did you hear me?
STACY
Sorry, I was chewing on my green beans. Yeah, sure,
Gary... if we live through this, I'll marry you.
GARY
If we live through this!? Man, I knew there was going to
be a catch!
ELVIS' VOICE
Hello?
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Liam, Doris, and Hilter are busy digging. Bippo the Clown casually strolls
up to them.
BIPPO
Hey guys. 'sup?
HILTER
Bippo? Where in the seven levels of hell have you been?
BIPPO
I had a little werewolf trouble, but I took care of it.
And by, took care of it I mean, I left a
dangerous supernatural predator alone to roam the
disaster-stricken city in search of human prey. Can
you say, "plot point"? I knew you could. Listen, I've
got a theory...
LIAM
Not now, Bippo! Just help us--
BIPPO
You remember that army of the apocalypse from below I
told you about?
DORIS
The what from below?
BIPPO
That's right. You weren't there. Here, let's have a
flashback.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - SIX MONTHS EARLIER
Liam, Bippo, Mister Hilter, CHOCOLATE TREAT, Donner, and Stacy are there.
(This all took place during episode 1.12: "For Better or Verse")
LIAM
Bippo, why in the world do you carry viles of anthrax in
you pockets? I mean, maybe it's just me... but I find
that a little... odd.
BIPPO
There's nothing odd about it, Liam my friend. You see...
I keep viles of anthrax on had for the coming apocalypse
from below.
HILTER
Apocalypse from below?
BIPPO
Yes, Mister Hilter, the apocalypse from below.
A beat or two of silence.
LIAM
So, you wanna fill us in about the apocalypse from below?
BIPPO
[sighs]
Very well...
[he stands. Menacing music begins]
In 1997, I was given a vision by Albert Einstein in a
lucid dream where I was naked in a field of thistles. In
this dream, I was given information about a race of
underground inhabitants who live below the streets of Las
Vegas and are awaiting the right time to come from their
labyrinths and strike and devour millions. Only I... can
stop them when that day comes. Only... I.
STACY
Oh... well, that makes perfect sense.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
As before.
BIPPO
Well, what if this earthquake is a forerunner from the
apocalypse from below? What if THIS was the first sign
of a terrible cataclysm coming to the surface?
LIAM
Oh, yeah! I do remember that and you know what?
It's still stupid! Now, help us dig our friends
out of this pile of debris!
BIPPO
What's in it for me?
DORIS
Bippo! You're friends! Gary! Stacy! Harry! That
Chocolate Treat... thing!
BIPPO
I reiterate. What's in it for me?
LIAM
Okay, Bippo... Do you know what a four-hundred pound rock
does to a human body when dropped on it from fifty
stories?
BIPPO
It splatters it like a water balloon.
LIAM
And do you realize how many four-hundred pound rocks are
in this pile?
BIPPO
A... lot?
LIAM
Uh-huh. And do you realize how many people were buried
under those rocks?
Bippo starts to shake.
BIPPO
Oh...!
LIAM
Put two and two together, Bippo!
BIPPO
OH!
LIAM
Oh, indeed!
Bippo tears into the debris lifting large chunks of rock over his head and
throwing them several hundred feet away.
EXT. THE ALLEY
The werewolf awakens. Shakes itself off, looks around, sniffs the air, and
then goes off in search for prey.
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Whatcha gonna pick? Hot Pockets!
- Make 7-Up Yours!
- WHAZZUP!?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. A SECRET LAB
Senestra Malevolous is standing there. The bodies of Rock and Tank are laid
out on gurneys and hooked up to all sorts of strange and evil equipment.
SENESTRA
...so, the Tribunal of Evil referred me to you. Look,
it's not like I have.. you know... feelings for
these boobs, but you know how hard henchmen are to come
by these days! So, what do you say? Can you do it?
We see a mysterious man standing obscured by the shadows. This is DOCTOR
STEIN.
DOCTOR STEIN
Bring your dead henchmen back to life? Well, suppose I
could do that... but it will cost you, my dear. Oh
yes... it will cost you.
SENESTRA
A doctor who overcharges? Ooooo, I hate that! I hate
that almost as much as when a TV show claims that one or
more of it's characters are going to die only to do
something cheesy and resurrect them with CPR or science
or something! Fine! I'll pay! Can you do it? Is it
possible?
DOCTOR STEIN
Nothing is impossible...
The man steps out of the shadows and into the light.
DOCTOR STEIN
...to Doctor Frank N. Stein! Yes, Senestra. I can
rebuild them... I have the technology.
SENESTRA
I don't want to spend too much money, though.
DOCTOR STEIN
I see. Well, I guess instead of making you a couple of
six million dollar men, I could make you a couple of six
thousand dollar...
Senestra shakes her head.
DOCTOR STEIN
Six hundred dollar men?
SENESTRA
Deal!
Doctor Stein gets out a role of scotch tape and a tube of superglue.
DOCTOR STEIN
Then let the operation commence!
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Liam, Doris, Hilter, and Bippo are digging for survivors. Liam, looking
quite tired, walks over to the fallen PLANET HOLLYWOOD SIGN and leans against
it. It rolls out of the way revealing CHOCOLATE TREAT lying on the ground.
She stands and dusts herself off.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Whoo! I haven't had that much weight on me since Las
Vegas hosted the Sumo Wrestling Tournament of 1995!
Chocolate Treat looks at Liam.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Here, let me... repay you!
She advances on him. Liam steps out of the way.
LIAM
Chocolate Treat, this is ridiculous! I'm glad that
you're okay, but you can't keep fooling yourself! I
don't feel anything for you! I never can.
Chocolate Treat folds her arms and turns away from him.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
It's that Wuhrer slut, isn't it?
LIAM
[a beat]
I'm sorry, Chocolate, but you have to understand. You
could have my body... ravish me and all... but you'll
never have the one thing that matters... my heart.
A Beat.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I can live with that. COME HERE!!!
LIAM
GAH!
Liam takes off. Chocolate Treat goes after him. They run past Bippo the
Clown and Doris.
DORIS
Oh look. Chocolate Treat's okay!
BIPPO
Wonderful.
DORIS
Something wrong?
BIPPO
My shovel's hurt.
DORIS
Your shovel's hurt?
BIPPO
Yeah, look! The tip's bleeding!
He shows her the blade of his shovel and, sure enough, there's blood on it.
BIPPO
Everytime I stick it in the ground, it screams too! Listen!
Bippo plunges the shovel into the rubble pile.
ELVIS' VOICE
Oh, my eye!
DORIS
[shoves Bippo out of the way]
Bippo, you idiot!
Doris digs ELVIS out of the rubble. The side of his face and neck has
several cuts made by a shovel.
BIPPO
Oh, hey! I guess that makes more sense than a shovel
being hurt, don't it?
ELVIS
You son of a bitch!
Elvis jumps Bippo and starts beating him to death with his blue suede shoes.
BIPPO
OW! OW! Somebody stop this man!
Liam runs by in the background pursued by Chocolate Treat
LIAM
This one two!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Who you callin' a man, sucka!
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
We see a manhole in the middle of the street. It moves and is shoved out of
the way. Kari Wuhrer climbs out followed by Donner.
KARI WUHRER
You did it! You got us out of the sewer! Thank you,
Donner! Thank you!
DONNER
No, thank you for climbing up that ladder first.
KARI WUHRER
Come on! We're not far from Circus Circus. Come on!
Let's go find Liam!
Kari takes off down the street.
DONNER
[mocking]
Num non! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!
Donner follows her.
The camera zooms out to reveal THE WEREWOLF lurking in the remains of a
building unseen by both Donner and Kari Wuhrer. The beast licks it's chops
and begins stalking them.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Mister Hilter and Liam are digging for survivors.
LIAM
Elvis said that he could hear Gary and Stacy under this
rubble pile and both of them were alive!
HILTER
He also would stop calling them insensitive sons of
bitches either. Amazing isn't it? Such a terrible
disaster and so far, there haven't been any casualties!
It's a miracle, that's what it is! A miracle!
Mr. Hilter unknowingly picks up a SEVERED HUMAN HEAD. He looks down at it
and reacts in horror.
HILTER
BAH!
Mister Hilter chunks it as hard as he can.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
A red cross ambulance makes it's way down the street. The severed head hits
the windshield, shocking the driver and sending the ambulance barreling into
the fallen Circus Circus sign sending it hurling into the air. HARRY THE
HANDYMAN stands up and waves.
HARRY
Hey, guys!
LIAM
Look! It's Harry! He's okay!
The Circus Circus sign crashes back down on Harry with an earth-shattering
crash.
HILTER
Oh my god! He's dead! HARRY'S DEAD! OH, FATE! THOU
ART A CRUEL MISTRESS!!!
Harry walks out from behind the sign.
HARRY
No, I'm still okay!
HILTER
Oh... well... get off your ass and get up here and help
us dig! Selfish bastard!
HARRY
Oh... uh... all right.
INT. THE SECRET LAB
Rock and Tank have been put back together but are still very much dead.
Electrodes have been hooked up to their necks and Doctor Stein stands by a
large lever. Senestra Malevolous looks on.
DOCTOR STEIN
Now to add the final ingredient! The building block of
life! Electricity!
SENESTRA
I thought carbon was the building block of life.
DOCTOR STEIN
Look, do I tell you how to do your job?
Doctor Stein pulls the lever sending volts and volts of electricity into Rock
and Tank who tremble and shake under all the power. After a minute, Stein
turns the juice off and Rock and Tank sit up.
ROCK
I smell bacon!
Senestra runs over to them and hugs them.
SENESTRA
Rock! Tank! If you ever die again, I'm going to be very
very angry! Do you understand me?
ROCK & TANK
Yes ma'am.
DOCTOR STEIN
They're alive! ALIVE!!!
TANK
D'ah, cool! Look what I can do!
Tank bends his broken arm in an unnatural and sickening way.
ROCK
Cool! Lemme try!
Rock tries to bend his arm the same way but with no avail since his arm isn't
broken. Unperturbed, he pulls harder until we hear and break and his arm
bends the same way.
DOCTOR STEIN
They're both morons, but they're alive!
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Harry, Bippo, Doris, Liam, Elvis, Chocolate Treat and Mister Hilter are
frantically digging at the debris pile. After a few seconds, Gary and Stacy
are pulled free and everyone applauds at a rescue effort well done. Gary
and Stacy hug each other.
LIAM
[notices something]
Hey look! Here comes Donner!
The camera angles to reveal Donner approaching. Kari Wuhrer steps out from
behind him.
LIAM
KARI! KARI! SHE'S ALIVE!
Liam runs over to Kari shoving Donner out of the way.
KARI WUHRER
Hello, Liam.
LIAM
I thought you were dead!
KARI WUHRER
I'm okay, Liam. I've come a long way to see you and I
wasn't going to let a little thing like an earthquake or
death stop me.
She moves closer to him and licks her lips.
KARI WUHRER
Now, I'm going to give you something, Liam. Something
you'll never never forget!
LIAM
Ooooooo, momma!
Kari Wuhrer hands him a rolled up piece of paper.
KARI WUHRER
There you go.
LIAM
Uh... correct me if I'm wrong, but this doesn't look like
a night of hot, sweaty, passionate lovemaking!
KARI WUHRER
It's a restraining order, Liam.
The rest of the group, minus Stacy and Gary approach.
HARRY
A restraining order? But... wait a minute, I thought you
and Liam were an item! Like Whitney and Bobby Brown!
Like Ike and Tina! Like fish sticks and tarter sauce!
ELVIS
Like mashed potatoes and whipped cream!
KARI WUHRER
Oh, did you? Well, let me tell you about the day we met!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
INT. A SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION
A sign says CRETIN-CON '97 as the camera pans down to a table were Kari
Wuhrer is signing autographs. The sign says, Meet Kari Wuhrer of
television's Sliders and numerous Adult Films!. Kari Wuhrer finishes
signing an autograph and turns to the next person in line, Liam Smith.
LIAM
[hands her a picture to autograph]
I watch you every week, Kari!
KARI WUHRER
It's Miss Wuhrer to you, geek boy.
LIAM
Listen, this isn't an easy confession for me to make,
but... well... I think I've fallen in love with you.
KARI WUHRER
[not paying attention]
Uh-huh.
LIAM
...and I want to be with you for the rest of my--
Kari Wuhrer hands him back his picture.
KARI WUHRER
NEXT!
LIAM
So... can I write you?
Kari Wuhrer takes a picture from the nest person in line and starts signing
it.
KARI WUHRER
[not paying attention]
Whatever.
Liam takes his autographed picture, holds it to his heart, and walks off in a
daze.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
As before.
KARI WUHRER
So, I got a letter from him everyday for three years! I
want it to stop! It's not right! MAKE HIM STOP! MAKE
HIM STOP!!!
LIAM
EW! I don't like that memory! But wait! Let's look at
it again through the miracle of self-delusion!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO
INT. A SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION
A sign says CRETIN-CON '97 as the camera pans down to a table were Kari
Wuhrer is signing autographs. The sign says, Meet Kari Wuhrer of
television's Sliders and numerous Adult Films!. Kari Wuhrer finishes
signing an autograph and turns to the next person in line, Liam Smith dressed
in slick clothing wearing black sun shades and surrounded by many beautiful
women in bikinis.
LIAM
Hey baby. You're that Maggie chick from that sliding
show, right?
KARI WUHRER
By heavens! It's Liam Smith! Would you like an
autographed picture of me?
LIAM
If you insist, babe.
Kari Wuhrer begins signing the picture never taking her eyes off Liam.
KARI WUHRER
Oh, you're the man I've been waiting for my entire life!
Oh, will you promise to write to me everyday about
yourself? If you don't, I'll be ever so sad and my just
shrivel up into a hollow shell of myself because I'm not
good enough for you, Liam Smith.
LIAM
Sure, babe. I'll do that. Chao!
Liam walks off with his entourage of bikini babes.
KARI WUHRER
I'm going to marry that man!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
As before. Liam is standing there in a daze reliving his delusion as
everyone else stares at him.
KARI WUHRER
Well, that's over with! I'm off to California to
beg Weiss and Torme' into letting me have a cameo in the
Sliders movie! Tah-tah!
Gary and Stacy join the crowd.
STACY
You guys are never going to believe this! Gary and I
have set a date for the wedding! It's going to be
December the 4th at Four P.M.. Elvis, of course we want
you to preside over the ceremony and everyone is invited
of course!
Gary sees Kari Wuhrer and walks over to her in a daze, not hearing anything
that Stacy has to say.
STACY
It's going to be totally formal and there'll be a huge
reception and dance following the... the... Gary? Gary?
Hello? Are you even listening to me?
GARY
[to Kari Wuhrer]
My god, it's you!
KARI WUHRER
Gary? Gary is that you? My god, I haven't seen you
since Geek-Con '98! What have you been doing?
GARY
A little of the same. What are you doing here?
KARI WUHRER
Issuing out court orders. First it was David Peckenpah,
then Charlie O'Connell, now this Lee.. Lee Somebody or
another.
GARY
Have you got time to get something to eat? I'd love to
do some catching up with you!
KARI WUHRER
I would, but my plane's leaving in a couple of hours.
You wanna come with me to California? We can live
together just like we always planned!
STACY
WHAT!?
GARY
Sure! Let's go!
STACY
But... But... But...
Gary and Kari Wuhrer join arms and start to walk away. Stacy is shocked.
Senestra Malevolous shows up with Rock and Tank in wheelchairs and full body
casts.
SENESTRA
Where's Liam Smith, Thad Coffey, and Bippo the Clown?
Bippo looks at Liam who is still in his own little world.
BIPPO
Uh... Liam and I are up here, Miss Malevolous! Thad's...
uh.. doing something else right now.
Senestra climbs the rubble pile to talk to them. Rock and Tank roll
backwards and out of sight.
ROCK & TANK
WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
SENESTRA
Well, when you two see him, you tell him that all three
of you are hired again. A hundred of my workers were
buried in the basement and it'd make millions to dig them
out... so we're just going to pave over it and make a
dance floor. But, that's going to leave us understaffed
so... you're hired. Again. With a raise to not tell
anyone what I just told you about the paving over
earthquake survivors thing.
BIPPO
My lips are sealed.
BIPPO & SENESTRA
Heh, heh, heh... eeeeeeeeexcellent!
HILTER
Isn't this wonderful? You've got your jobs back, Kari
and Gary have found true love...
Stacy starts wailing and buries her face in Harry's shoulder.
HILTER
...and most importantly, everyone made it through the
earthquake in one piece! Now, everything can go back to
the way things were and will always be!
The WEREWOLF bolts out of the building and charges for Kari Wuhrer.
KARI WUHRER
Oh, a penny!
She bends down to pick it up. The werewolf flies over her head and into
Mister Hilter knocking him out of frame.
HILTER
WHAT THE FU--!?
KARI WUHRER
It was face-up and that means good luck, right Gary?
Gary?
Gary is looking wide-eyed in shock at something off-screen.
KARI WUHRER
Guys?
Everyone - except Liam, who is still in a daze - is looking off-screen agasp
at something. The sound of snarling and ripping can be heard and the
werewolf's tail wags happily at the bottom of frame.
FADE TO
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS SKYLINE - TWO WEEKS LATER
CAPEMAN, THE BLUE FAIRY, COSMIC WEASEL, DOCTOR WHAM, and several other
unidentified superheroes are helping to rebuild Las Vegas. It is clear that
the city will be whole very soon.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam, Stacy, Harry, and THAD COFFEY are sitting on the couch. All of them
look tired and are staring off into nothingness.
STACY
I can't believe Gary ran off to California with that
Wuhrer whore!
LIAM
I can't believe Kari ran off without saying good-bye!
Doesn't she know how much we mean to each other? Well,
she'll be back crawling on her hands and knees. You just
wait!
HARRY
I can't believe Mister Hilter is dead.
THAD
I can't believe I ate Mister Hilter. I feel
terrible.
STACY
It wasn't your fault.
THAD
[grabs his stomach]
No, I mean I feel terrible! Liam, got any Pepto Bismol?
LIAM
Check the kitchen.
Thad goes to the kitchen.
STACY
So, when's Mister Hilter's funeral?
HARRY
Next week. There was quite a backlog at all the
cemeteries. I even tried Pet Semetary, but for some
reason bodies won't stay buried there.
[he looks at them, and
then with evil in his voice:]
The ground is SOUR!!!
Everyone stares at him.
STACY
Ooooookay... Well, I think I've learned a valuable lesson
about life during this whole experience. Things change,
people drift away, and Gary is a big fat honkin' jerk!
May his testicles shrivel and burn in hell! BASTARD!
LIAM
Well, I learned something valuable as well. When Thad is
a werewolf, he'll eat anything and I do mean anything!
THAD
[off camera]
I HEARD THAT!
STACY
Well, we'd better get going.
HARRY
Yeah, bye Liam.
Stacy and Harry get up and head for the door. Thad comes out of the kitchen
drinking Pepto straight from the bottle.
HARRY
Come on, killer.
THAD
Shut up!
They all exit. Liam sits there for a second and then goes over to a drawer.
He digs through it for a second and finally comes out with a framed
autographed picture of a topless Kari Wuhrer with only her hands covering her
ample bosom.
LIAM
Someday, my sweet... Someday.
Liam hangs the picture on the wall and walks off. The camera stays focused
on the picture until we see that the autograph reads "TO LAIM - LUV KARI"
FADE OUT
THE END
ROLL CREDITS