THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 2.09: "Uprising"
Written by David Hopper
FADE IN:
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - A CORRIDOR
BIPPO, THAD and LIAM are making their way back to their apartments after
a very hard days work. Liam is moaning about work.
LIAM
I can't believe I had to put up with that.
BIPPO
Put up with what?
LIAM
Oh, I had to help out in a convention room we'd let
out. A bunch of gen Xers hanging around watching
cartoons from the eighties. And then arguing when some
of the characters got killed.
THAD
This is something like Manga films, right?
LIAM
Worse, Transformer fans. God those people are more
anal then a bunch of Trekies arguing over who has the
better pair of Mr Spock ears.
Bippo's eyes light up.
BIPPO
You were watching Transformers the movie?
LIAM
Yes, damn it was-
BIPPO
That movie is so cool
LIAM
Huh?
Bippo is in his element here, Thad is in on this as well
THAD
Was it the version with Spike saying "oh sh-[BLEEP!]-
t" when Unicron just chomped through their moon base
and the bombs they set didn't do anything to even slow
him down?
LIAM
Er… No, but it did have the Star wars style scrolling
text at the top.
BIPPO
Oh man, the British version. That idea was so cool.
And the way Galvatron blows Starscream up with a
single shot.
THAD
You know their trying to get a DVD version together of
that movie? The Star Wars style opening shot, all the
swearing, five more minutes of Transformation during
the attack on Autobot city Earth and two more minutes
of Unicron Transformation.
LIAM
I can't believe I'm hearing two grown men talking like
this.
THAD
Oh come on Liam, we're just revisiting our childhood.
LIAM
Some childhood. Anyhow, those geeks started arguing
over whether this one robot was actually dead or not
after he got shot in his shoulder.
BIPPO
Oh yeah, Brawn was dead.
THAD
Was not.
BIPPO
Was so,
THAD
It was a shoulder wound, you don't die from a shoulder
wound.
BIPPO
It went INTO his shoulder, but it came OUT through his
back. He's dead. Trust me on this.
THAD
How come his body wasn't with the rest of the shuttle
crew in the morgue?
BIPPO
Writer error.
LIAM
(to camera)
You got to love the eighties, a time when genocide in
kids cartoons was perfectly acceptable.
BIPPO
Oh come on, you must have liked some sort of tv show
when you were younger.
LIAM
Yeah, when I was younger I liked the Smurfs.
BIPPO
Weren't most of them gay?
LIAM
WHAT?!
THAD
Yeah, when you think about it. Smurfette after all,
was the only female there.
LIAM
I don't believe this. First you argue whether big
giant robots can be killed by being shot in their
shoulders. Now your discussing which way the Smurfs
swung? Sheash, guys you two have got to get out more.
(he turns to enter his apartment) I can tell you one
thing, you would never get the professor arguing over
things like who died in Transformers the movie. It'd
be a cold day in hell before that happened.
As Liam enters his room, ARTURO rounds the corner.
ARTURO
Ah, boys, now what's this about people getting shot
in their shoulders?
INT. HELL - SATAN's throne room.
SATAN turns to SCRAPPY DOO
SATAN
Turn the thermostat up will you? Bit nippy in here.
MUSIC STING
As Scrappy makes to leave, Satan leans over and flips a record player
on.
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG
Theme tune "Just the two of us" [as sang by Satan to Scrappy Doo] With
apologies to Ralph MacDonald, William Slater, Bill Withers, Will Smith
and the people behind the "Dr Evil version" as well.
SATAN
This is a very sensitive subject.
Just the two of us, yeah, Just the two of us.
From the second I was summed by a hack wizard, I knew
I was in trouble Cos this boy had help from a high.
An evil sadist shouldn't have to put up with this
cheek, Others people pain to me is appealing.
I had Fluffy, he looked up to me, ran the business of
taking care of him.
INSERT SHOT - A shot of LIAM encircled in a flaming boarder e is
displayed with Fluffy holding a gun at him.
SATAN (cont)
Had all of these damned souls to help him take Liam
out, gave him my blessings and let him take him on.
Fluffy knew, I was powerful, returned the love I gave,
and made me want to cry.
He was evil, but had mental problems too. We should
have been on Springer but the church Would have blown
a fuse.
But Fluffy died on me, cest la ve, life is cruel,
treats you unfairly,
Even so, an evil pairing needs, Srappy Doo, you've
completed me.
Just the two of us. uh huh.
We can kill him if we try, just the two of us, yeah.
Just you and me, getting jiggy with it.
Just the two of us.
Just the two of us, yeah. WOAH!
Torturing souls for ever more, quite pleasant really.
Just the two of us, you and I.
WOAH! OH! AHA! AHA!
Satan loves you, Satan loves you.
WOAH! HUH! Just the two of us, you and I.
SCRAPPY DOO
Er, I wouldn't give up the day job if I were you.
OLE!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"LIAM SMITH"
John Rhys Davies
As
"PROFESSOR ARTURO"
GUEST STARRING
Robert Floyd
as
"BIPPO the CLOWN"
Mike Nelson
as
"THAD COFFEY"
John Goodman
as
"ELVIS"
SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY
Christopher Lee
as
The Voice of "DEATH" and "NARRATOR"
Mike Meyers
as
"DR EVIL"
And
Scrappy Doo
SPECIAL GUEST STARS
David Peckinpah
as
"SATAN"
Rupert Murdoch
As
"HIMSELF"
Marlon Brando
as
"ROBERT MAXWELL"
David (yes, the person writing this) Hopper
as
"DREW FANGTASTIC"
FADE IN.
INT. LIAM's apartment the next day.
The camera turns around the
apartment a few times before finding LIAM asleep in bed. Suddenly his
clock goes off and LIAM sits bolt upright in bed, a look of shock on his
face. He looks across to find out what time it is.
LIAM
Nine am? I overslept. Got to get to work.
Liam is in a mad rush, stark naked he throws up his bed covers and
dashes behind a table and desperately picks up as many of his clothes
together as he can find there. It's the hidden nudity from Austin Powers
all over again.
LIAM
One sock? One lousy sock?
Holding the sock to cover his dignity he makes a dash for his chair
where he has his pants and underwear on. He stands right behind the
chair and holds his underwear up to his face.
LIAM
PHEW! Should never have had that curry. Well, can't wear these again
this week. (chucks the underwear over his head and it lands next to a
hole) Hmm, lets see. Nothing else here except my uniform.
Liam runs to his sock drawer from which the camera is now behind and
pulls the draw out to quick, right into his chest.
LIAM
ACK! That hurt, oh boy. Least I've got clean under wear. Oh no, holes. I
knew I should have bought some new pants.
Liam pulls on a pair of under pants, grabs some socks and starts putting
them on while standing up and looks at a piece of paper that was among
his clothes and debris.
LIAM
My pension plan? What's that doing here? Oh yeah, I had to fill in some
details and return it.
Now hoping on one foot, puts his plan in his back pocket and now
desperately trying to put on his sock, in a room whose state makes the
world war one trench system look tidy. Liam hops onto something.
LIAM
JESUS H CH-[BLEEP!]-T!!!
Liam falls over backwards, onto yet more mess.
LIAM
AIEEEEEEEEE!!! ARRRRGH!! Why did I leave my lego out here last night?
Why is this happening to me today? What could possible happen next?
Liam looks up, and sees his head right next to the hole from before.
There's a scratching noise coming from it. Liam peers in to the hole.
LIAM
I don't believe it, a rat died from sniffing my underwear.
INT. UPPA DA CREEK APARTMENTS - A CORRIDOR
Liam comes running out in his circus, circus gear, top on backwards,
shirt hanging out through his flys, hair a mess. He just narrowly misses
Arturo as they both round a corner coming from opposite directions.
ARTURO
Careful my boy.
LIAM
(thinks for a second)
"Careful my boy"?
(to Arturo)
Your in a good mood today Professor.
ARTURO
Yes, it's my medication for my hinted at but never mentioned by lame
illness in Sliders kicking in. Woah, I must have took too much. I see
Elvis,
(throws arms up in air)
Go king!
ELVIS
(walking past)
Looking good Professor A.
LIAM
Er, right. Anyhow got to go. Late for work.
ARTURO
You work on a Saturday my boy?
LIAM
No I only work - It's Saturday?
ARTURO
Yes.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam comes marching into his room, arm locked by his sides and goes to
his bedside alarm clock, picks up a shoe and starts whacking at the
clock.
LIAM
DAMNED THING! DIE! DIE! DIE! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
The clock is now a mess of wires and gears. Liam drops the shoe and puts
his hands down on his bedside cabinet, cutting his hands on the shards
of glass.
LIAM
OW! Oh SH-[BLEEP!]-T! What am I going to do now?
SCRAPPY DOO
Well, you could help us.
LIAM
Scrappy Doo? What are you doing here? I thought you drowned with the
Mystery Machine.
SCRAPPY
Er, no, no I didn't. That was my, er… twin… brother.
(a beat)
Yeah… my brother. Twin. We're identical. Were.
LIAM
Oh, I'm so sorry. What was his name?
SCRAPPY
I'm sorry?
LIAM
Your brothers name, what was it?
SCRAPPY
So you want to know the name of my identical twin brother who died when
the Mystery Machine went under?
LIAM
Yes.
Scrappy obviously wasn't prepared for this.
SCRAPPY
Er… his name was… Drabby. Yeah, yeah Drabby Doo.
Scrappy smiles to gain Liam's trust.
LIAM
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
SCRAPPY
Oh it's okay. I'm over it.
LIAM
No let me finish please. I'm so sorry to hear that it wasn't you who
drowned.
SCRAPPY
Wha? Why you sunova- Look, I'm not hear to trade insults with you,
Smith. I'm here to enlist your help for the greatest battle yet known.
LIAM
The Apocalypse?
SCRAPPY
Er, no, that's not due for a while.
LIAM
Thank God.
SCRAPPY
(under breath)
No, thank your amazing luck you little-
LIAM
Sorry?
SCRAPPY
Just clearing my throat. Anyhow, the unthinkable has happened. There's
been a revolution in hell. Satan has been overpowered, and an even more
powerful and even more evil being has assumed command.
LIAM
More powerful and evil then Satan? Some sort of Fox Network Executive?
SCRAPPY
Worse, a shareholder in Fox itself who also happens to own certain
British Tabloids.
LIAM
But I though Robert Maxwell was dead, from a combination of a sea
sickness induced heart attack that led to his falling overboard and
drowning?
SCRAPPY
He is, I'm talking about Rupert Murdoch.
MUSICAL STING
LIAM
You've got to be kidding me. How could he gain control of Hell?
SCRAPPY
He was working with the aid of a very powerful ally. Here, Satan can
explain better himself.
Scrappy throws a small disc into the middle of the room, which erupts
into a circle of hell fire. SATAN'S image is displayed.
SATAN'S IMAGE
Help me Liam Smith, you're my only hope.
SCRAPPY
Oh man, sorry, it does this sort of thing from time to time. Looks like
I threw it too hard.
LIAM
Hang on, why should I help him? He's tried to kill me several times.
Come to think of it, why are you here?
Scrappy is really thrown by this. No one told him to expect Liam to be
this observant. Scrappy thinks fast, making everything up as he goes.
SCRAPPY
Erm, I'm an emissary from Heaven, we consider the threat of Murdoch to
be worse then the threat of Satan. He could… start the apocalypse early,
and if he's in control of hell as well as his own business empire, he
now has access to… more… troops then Satan does, er did. With his
newspapers he has a stranglehold on the part of the population of
Britain that strives on mindless drivel and softcore porn. With the fox
network in America, well the effects are obvious. Murdoch's upset the
balance, the… natural order of, er things. Until he came in everything
was equally balanced, but now hell has a distinct advantage over heaven
and that could spell doom for us all.
Satan's image has managed to sort it's self out.
SATAN'S IMAGE
Liam Smith, for a long time now we have been mortal enemies, and there
have been of course several attempts on your life by me. Heck, I even
corrupted your pet against you and now his soul resides in limbo after
being torn apart by that cat. And yet, despite all this, I find that you
are the closest thing I have to a friend, God's stopped answering my
calls.
AHEM! But now, we all face a grave danger, hell has been overtaken by a
power more evil, and judging from his tabloid press empire, more
perverted then even I. Come to hell, and I will explain more. Scrappy
can help you with the travel arrangements. Help me Liam Smith, you're my
only hope.
The image stops, and fades out.
SCRAPPY
Satan to be honest is the… lesser of two evils here. And we need your…
abilities to save him and restore him on his throne.
LIAM
I see. But why does he have his talons crossed behind his back?
SCRAPPY
Erm, it's the fashion there. Will you do it?
LIAM
I'm loathed to help Satan, but yeah. I see what you mean, with Murdoch
in charge of hell, the Fox network would gain even more power then they
already do. And we can't have that now can we?
SCRAPPY
(thinking about it)
No, no we can't. No one could bare having the Fox network having that
much power.
LIAM
I'll do it.
SCRAPPY
(smiling evilly)
Good.
Scrappy takes out another device and hands it to Liam. A Sliders style
wormhole opens up, sucking Liam down to hell, at the same moment, Thad,
Bippo and Arturo enter his apartment.
THAD
What's all the noise? What the hell is that?
ARTURO + BIPPO
Some sort of sliding tunnel if I'm not mistaken.
Arturo and Bippo both exchange looks with each other.
BIPPO
Sorry.
ARTURO
Blistering idiot.
THAD
So we have an inter-dimensional gateway in Liam's bed room, and, and…
Scrappy Doo?
ARTURO
Least I know it's not my medication acting up.
SCRAPPY
He, he, he. You've not seen me, right?
Scrappy disappears in a circle of hell fire.
BIPPO
No wait. I want to kill you, you little- SCRAPPY DOOO, WHERE ARE
YOOOOOOOOU?!?!
THAD
We got to help Liam
ARTURO
Agreed, lets get in there.
Thad and Arturo both jump into the portal. Bippo looks at it blinking.
BIPPO
Somehow this seems familiar, but I don't know why. I! DON'T! KNOW! WHY!
Bippo stops thinking -and overacting- and just runs into the portal,
trying to do somersault in, but in effect only managing to knock over a
picture of Kari Wuher off Liam's bedside table and into the wormhole
after him. Scrappy reapers with a notebook.
SCRAPPY
Hmm, let's see. Play fox network in hell. Yeah, that ought to work. This
works out, I could be in for a promotion.
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Sunny D, packed full of vitamins, chemicals and E numbers.
- BBC world, just like BBC news 24, BUT WITH COMMERCIALS!
- The Sun, zero intelligence, just rumours and boobies.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN - INT HELL
All the gang are now just leaving the exit side of the wormhole that has
just deposited them in hell. Actually it's deposited them so high up in
hell, they're now in free fall. No one is very happy about this.
BIPPO
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
THAD
AND WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!!
LIAM
AT LEAST NO ONE IS GOING TO ARGUE OVER THAT MATTER!
THAD
HITTING THE GROUND WHILE TRAVELLING AT SEVERAL THOUSAND MILES AN HOUR IS
JUST A LITTLE DIFFERENT TO BEING SHOT IN THE SHOULDER, LIAM!
ARTURO
YES, BUT BRAWN WAS ONLY SHOT IN HIS SHOULDER, YOU CAN'T DIE FROM THAT!!
LIAM
(covering his head)
OH GOD! I WAS WRONG, HELL HASN'T FROZEN OVER AFTER ALL!
ARTURO
EH?!
THAD
THEY MUST HAVE TURNED UP THE HEATING!
BIPPO
WELL ALL THE SAME, WE'RE GOING TO DIE!
In fact they don't, instead of landing on hard rock they land in a
reservoir that looks more like an oil spill. After a minute of bubbles
coming up from the river, Thad and Bippo surface. Bippo spits out some
oil like some statues do with water. Liam finally comes up, but there's
no sign of Arturo.
LIAM
What are you guys doing here?
THAD
I could ask you the same thing.
BIPPO
Hey, where's the professor?
There's a very loud rumbling noise as a bigger bubble starts to form
around the three some.
THAD
I don't like this.
BIPPO
You don't like this? Hell, I don't like this, and I've seen a LOT of
swamps in my time.
The bubble explodes, sending everyone flying again, miraculously they
all land on the rocky surface surrounding the pool. Meanwhile, Arturo
slowly rises out of the middle of the pool, oil rolling off him like
tar. A Figure dressed all in black steps out of the shadows.
ARTURO
Help me you blistering idiots, otherwise I'm going to drown.
FIGURE
Your not going to die, your in hell. No one can die here.
THAD
Who the heck are you?
FIGURE
Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Drew Fangtastic.
BIPPO
Did you say you were Mr Fantastic from the Fantastic four?
FANGTASTIC
No, I'm Drew FANG Tastic, as in teeth.
ARTURO
Look, I'm a man of science, but even I do not care to try to prove this
theory of yours that no one dies in hell. Do you have a rope or
something to pull me out?
FANGTASTIC
No, but I have something else.
Much to everyone's disbelief, without any aid by wires, and with no sign
of him growing wings, Fangtastic fly's or at least hovers out towards
Arturo and grabs him by the scruff of his neck and pulls him to safety.
BIPPO
Oh, oh, me next, me next. I wanna go. I wanna go.
THAD
How'd you do that?
FANGTASTIC
What fly? Ha, just a little trick I picked up while… being here.
MUSICAL STING
LIAM
You been here long?
FANGTASTIC
Yeah, feels like… eternity.
MUSICAL STING
THAD
So what did you do to come here then?
FANGTASTIC
Erm, I meet a girl with a certain thing about sharp sticks. Bitch, drove
it right into my chest.
MUSICAL STING
BIPPO
What's that annoying noise we keep hearing every time you finish a
sentence?
FANGTASTIC
Mood music. Pretty annoying isn't it? So, your new here aren't you? Yes,
thought so. What you doing here then?
THAD
Yeah Liam, what are you doing here?
LIAM
Well I'm here to help Satan, don't know about you guys.
THAD ARTURO and FANGTASTIC
WHAT?
BIPPO
You flipped Liam?
LIAM
No, Scrappy Doo came to me from heaven, asking on God's behalf to get
Satan back on his throne.
ARTURO
Scrappy Doo? From heaven? That makes little sense to me.
BIPPO
Yeah, everyone knows that little bas-[BLEEP!]-ard is going to hell in a
coffin.
ATURO
Traditionally, Mr Bippo, that is how one enters the afterlife anyhow.
BIPPO
Whatever works.
ARTURO
Blistering idiot.
THAD
Liam, come on. You've came all this way, to hell for Scrappy Doo?
FANGTASTIC
Why would that little shi, I mean, that charming little puppy, want to
help Satan get back on his throne I wonder?
MUSICAL STING
FANGTASTIC
God I hate that musical sting. Come on, this place is too open for me. I
know a safer place.
As Fangtastic takes the gang off to his hideaway, the camera pans up to
a rocky shelf high above. DEATH is there, looking at what appears to be
egg timers. A closer look at them reveals the full names of Liam, Thad,
Bippo and Arturo on them. Death holds up a life timer and takes a good
look at it. We can't see the life timer itself, Death has it hidden from
view. Death's eyes glow bright blue.
DEATH
NO GOOD WILL COME OF THIS.
The life timer Death has concealed is revealed. The name Drew Fangtastic
is written on it, and the sand in it is not moving. A whistling noise is
heard. Death looks up in time for the picture of Kari Wuher to smack
full on in his face.
DEATH
BUGGER!
FADE OUT
INT. FANGTASTIC HIDEAWAY - a simple cave with a few scraps of furniture,
enough chairs for everyone, a table but no bed. There's an entrance to
another cave behind them, but Fangtastic is standing in front of it.
THAD
I don't like this Liam. Why would you want to help Satan? He has tried
to kill you a few times.
LIAM
There's been an uprising in hell. Satan's been overpowered by an even
more powerful, evil, corrupt soul.
FANGTASTIC
It's hard to imagine a soul more evil and corrupt then Satan's.
LIAM
We're talking Rupert Murdoch here.
ARTURO AND FANGTASTIC
ACH!
THAD
Who?
FANGTASTIC
The most powerful evil man in the world. Owns stocks and shares in Fox,
he's a Fox Network executive, he owns various British tabloids-
BIPPO
The Sun?
FANGTASTIC
Yeup.
BIPPO
I read that paper, well, more kinda look at page three.
LIAM
That would be the softcore porn Scrappy was telling me about.
ARTURO
Yes, on my world he was the most devious entrepreneur after Robert
Maxwell.
FANGTASTIC
Yes, it was the same here. Wait a minute, what did you mean by "your
world"?
BIPPO
Oh he used to be a traveller from another dimension.
FANGTASTIC
Oh? Really?
ARTURO
Yes, I've seen many strange things. Worlds where time runs backwards,
where the president of the USA was once a B movie actor, and even a
world where the British government wasn't run by Margaret Thatcher
anymore.
THAD
That was your world, and this one too.
ARTURO
Oh yes, so it is. But on that world the British Government was ran by a
man with a Cheshire cat like smile and who wanted to build a huge dome
at a cost of billions of pounds, to celebrate the coming of the new
millennium. And it was only going to be a temporary structure.
LIAM
That's this world too, professor.
ARTURO
Damnit. Something strange is going on here, and I'm going to get to the
bottom of it.
LIAM
But we have to help Satan
THAD
Well this Murdoch guy I've never even heard of, and I know a lot of
things about a lot of things.
LIAM
So I've noticed
THAD
And he does sound pretty evil, but what's the problem with him being in
charge?
LIAM
According to Scrappy he's thrown everything out of order. The apocalypse
could happen any day now with him in charge, and he's got more people in
position to start a war.
ARTURO
An exaggeration, surely? He can't have more troops can he?
FANGTASTIC
He's corrupted more people with his television networks, and his
newspapers then Satan's minions could ever do. They prefer the old, slow
methods.
BIPPO
How'd you know this?
FANGTASTIC
I've lived a long time… here. I've watched his servants. They do
everything on a one-to-one basis. They target one man, and slowly over a
course of say months, agitate him, set him up for problems that will
eventually take his soul and condemn him to serve hell in a certain
amount of time.
BIPPO
COOL!
THAD
So what's the problem with that method?
FANGTASTIC
Takes too long. Very few demons have actually bothered to learn from
humans, and adapt their methods to suit their own means. Think of
telesales people. If a demon could corrupt one of them, they could annoy
more people then they already do. If they could corrupt just one of the
workers, that person could annoy the other workers from their bad vibes,
and those people could annoy even more people they rang. Now that would
mean the people they annoy would get agitated and annoy more-
ARTURO
I've never heard such a load of rubbish.
FANGTASTIC
Suit yourself, but that's how they work, or rather don't. It's pretty
much how they got me here.
MUSICAL STING
LIAM
They corrupted your soul?
FANGTASTIC
Er no, not quite. It was my being a vampire that led to my soul being
incarcerated here after my run in with that girl with the sharp stick.
MUSICAL STING
LIAM
Oh.
(a beat)
OH!
MUSICAL STING
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- www.sellmeyoursoul.com
- From the makers of the "ILOVEYOU" virus, "IHATEYOU" does the exact
opposite of the "ILOEYOU" virus.
- www.givemeyourmoney.com
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN - FANGTASTIC's liar.
Liam is still in shock at the news that Fangtastic is a vampire.
LIAM
KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME!
FANGTASTIC
You have something against vampires?
THAD
Yeah, Dracula tried to kill him last year.
FANGTASTIC
Dracula? Thought he was just a myth.
ARTURO
A vampire, stuff and nonsense there's no such thing.
THAD
We have plenty of proof otherwise, professor. The attack last year, and
that gibbering idiot Reinfield.
FANGTASTIC
Yeah, proof like this
Fangtastic's facial features change from a human into one of the
vampires from shows like Forever Knight, Buffy the vampire slayer and
Angel.
ARTURO
So you have excellent control over your facial muscles and a long pair
of canines, that sir, proves nothing. Apart from the fact that you need
to use mouthwash.
FANGTASTIC
Is he always like this?
THAD
Yeup. So how did you become a vampire then?
LIAM
Who cares? He's a vampire, he's evil, he's hellspawn, he must die.
Liam breaks a chair over Fangtastic who makes no effort to stop Liam,
and takes a crudely made stake from the debris, which he then tries to
stab Fangtastic with. Nothing happens. Fangtastic takes out the stake
and throws it away.
THAD
Liam, we're in hell to help Satan. Attacking the locals seems a bit
pointless don't you think?
FANGTASTIC
Besides, like I said earlier. In hell you can't die, you would however
be surprised at what you can live through.
ARTURO
So, people can't die here? How do we stop Murdoch?
FANGTASTIC
There's only one thing I can think of, but it will cost you Professor.
ARTURO
Er, what will it cost me?
BIPPO
His soul?
FANGTASTIC
No.
THAD
His life?
FANGTASTIC
No.
LIAM
The secret of sliding from dimension to dimension?
FANGTASTIC
Yes that'll do. Give me that, and I'll help you defeat Murdoch.
ARTURO
HAH! Well sorry to disappoint you, but I do not know the secret of
sliding. It was the discovery of one of my students.
LIAM
But we've got this neat device that Scrappy gave me that brought us
here.
ARTURO
Let me see that. Hmm, I thought so. This IS a timer, different to the
one we had, but according to the countdown we have, half an hour before
it opens the sliding vortex.
BIPPO
How do you know it will open a vortex? It could be a self-distruct
timer.
ARTURO
Why else would he have given us it?
THAD
To kill us?
FANGTASTIC
No, Satan tends to keep his bargains, albeit it with a twist you don't
expect. Anyhow, if you agree to take me with you on your journey back to
your home, I'll take you to the one thing that can stop Murdoch dead in
his tracks.
LIAM
You won't try to suck our blood once we're all back?
FANGTASTIC
No, you have my word on that.
LIAM
DEAL!
FANGTASTIC
Good!
MUSICAL STING
FANGTASTIC
I wish that would stop already.
EXT: HELL
A long path with pits of fire and the cries and moans of the
damned. On a high up cliff, Death watches them again.
NARRATOR
And so the group made their way through hell, not knowing what to
expect.
THAD
Is that Hitler in there?
HITLER
(off camera)
Hello, Heir Bippo!
BIPPO
Hey Hitler! How's it hangin'? Say, is that? Yes it is!
LIAM
Who is it?
BIPPO
I have no idea.
FANGTASTIC
The path is clear, lets go.
ARTURO
What do you mean the path is clear? Are we in danger here?
FANGTASTIC
Only if we hang around with a map in one hand and try speaking in
English VERY LOUDLY!
BIPPO
Do you think that would help?
INT. HELL
A room that looks more like a cell, but with a well in it.
ARTURO
What in the hell is this?
Fangtastic slaps his hand around Arturo's mouth
FANGTASTIC
Do NOT ever say that again, do you understand me?
Arturo nods, Fangtastic releases him and approaches the well.
FANGTASTIC
This well is the only way I know of to contact he who can defeat
Murdoch.
BIPPO
Can't I just use a chainsaw? Or take off Thad's werewolf patch?
Thad elbows Bippo shut.
FANGTASTIC
You're a werewolf?
THAD
I got bit.
FANGTASTIC
Yeah, that's generally how it goes. I got bit too.
LIAM
So how do we contact this guy then?
FANGTASTIC
Well first we need something that would tempt him out. Does anyone have
any food or money on them?
Everyone shakes their heads.
FANGTASTIC
Hmm, well does anyone have their pension fund details with them?
Everyone checks their pockets. Liam finds his in his back pocket and
hands it over.
LIAM
Yeah, I don't see how this would help.
FANGTASTIC
This man died to prevent himself loosing a court case where he had
tricked most of his staff to hand over their pension details to him.
ARTURO
Oh no, your not talking about- ?
FANGTASTIC
Yes, ROBERT MAXWELL! A truly evil man.
The well instantly surges with power as the lights flashes on and off.
Suddenly a bright green beam explodes from the well and takes form. It's
Robert Maxwell, the fattest, most self important bastard of all time.
MAXWELL
Hmm, nice. Other peoples money, oh yes I feel good.
Arturo and Fangtastic both shake their heads in disgust
ARTURO
Now, he's my idea of a vampire.
FANGTASTIC
I was going to say the same thing myself.
BIPPO
Say, what's that saying about great minds?
FANGTASTIC
Be quiet Clown.
MAXWELL
Why have I been summoned?
FANGTASTIC
You wouldn't believe it if I told you.
MAXWELL
You'd be surprised.
LIAM
Did you really die from drowning after falling overboard while suffering
from a seasickness induced heart attack?
MAXWELL
No, I died from falling overboard trying to get someone to pat my back
after I choked on a chocolate éclair.
ARTURO
So THAT'S what really happened?
MAXWELL
Of course it's not. I faked my own death.
FANGTASTIC
Typical, a liar even after death.
MAXWELL
So what do you want vampire? What do you want that could possibly make
you sacrifice someone else's earnings to me?
FANGTASTIC
Hell has been taken over by your deadly rival, Rupert Murdoch.
MAXWELL
WHAT? He hasn't even died yet, how could he take over some place I've
been residing in for so long?
LIAM
He had some help, but we don't know who from.
Fangtastic whistles to himself.
MAXWELL
I cannot allow this to happen.
THAD
You have a moral centre to your being after all?
MAXWELL
No, I just can't let that bastard take over hell. If anyone deserves to
rule hell, it's someone who's encouraged another country to let a war
wage unchecked on his own native soil.
BIPPO
Hitler?
MAXWELL
No, me of course.
And with that, Maxwell is off on a beam of energy travelling towards the
throne room at the speed of light.
ARTURO
Yes, I forgot what a bastard he was on my world.
FANGTASTIC
Yes, a true bastards, bastard.
LIAM
But won't he just over power Murdoch and take over hell himself?
BIPPO
Could he be any worse then Murdoch?
FANGTASTIC
Ah, but that's the beauty of it all…
INT. THE THRONE ROOM OF HELL
MURDOCH is torturing SATAN who is in chains before him. Suddenly the doors to the
chamber blow open and in storms the glowing form of MAXWELL.
MURDOCH
Robert, that you?
MAXWELL
That's right, it is me, and I am here to prevent you being in charge of
the one place I deserve to rule.
MURDOCH
BUGGER!
MAXWELL
I didn't know you swung that way.
Maxwell is approaching Satan whose looking up worried, this isn't quite
what he was expecting as a rescue.
SATAN
Damn you Liam Smith, I was wanting help, my kingdom restored to me. Not
Maxwell is now past Satan and standing at the bottom of the steps up to
the throne. Murdoch is squirming in the throne, terrified, trying to get
away.
MURDOCH
Stay back you fat git, you've no idea what your doing.
CUT TO : THE CELL ROOM
Fangtastic is explaining it all to the gang.
FANGTASTIC
You see, Maxwell is in spirit form, while Murdoch is still in possession
of his mortal body. Now, to battle things out Maxwell will have to take
possession of Murdoch's body and battle his spirit to gain control. Only
this is the goof part -and Maxwell doesn't know this, Murdoch does
though- since both their spirits are so black and evil, the resulting
fight would destroy them both…
BIPPO
And the body?
CUT BACK TO : THE THRONE ROOM
Murdoch is explaining everything to Maxwell about the spirit possession. Satan is
smiling as he likes what he hears.
MURDOCH
And if you do that, it'll destroy us both.
MAXWELL
That is without a doubt, the biggest load of trash I've ever heard you
utter since you told me that Jeffery Archer was a liar who manipulated
people to win legal battles.
MURDOCH AND SATAN
He is.
SATAN
I've got a nice spot all lined up for him. HAD a nice spot that is.
MAXWELL
Oh, well in that case I won't risk touching you, but I will make an
offer.
MURDOCH
Oh?
MAXWELL
Yes, how about we co-own hell?
MURDOCH
(doesn't like this one bit)
Erm, well I think not
MAXWELL
I'll touch you otherwise.
MURDOCH
Oh well, put it like that I-
But before any doubling dealings can be made, a mighty war cry is heard.
SCRAPPY
TAH-DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH, PUPPY POWER!
And Scrappy Doo swings in on a rope knocking Murdoch into Maxwell,
instantly fusing the spirits of the two and starting a power struggle
for control of the body. Neither wins and the body explodes everywhere
while the spirits disperse into nothingness. With neither one of them in
control, Satan is freed from his bonds and steps back up on his throne.
Scrappy takes his place beside him.
SATAN
Nicely done.
SCRAPPY
Thanks, couldn't have done it without Liam Smith though. And thanks to
him, I've got a few new ideas on how to help make it more hellish here
for the hell spawn and the damned.
SATAN
Gah, yeah, I do suppose I owe him one now, oh well, I'll thank him in
person, best get out of sight.
Scrappy hides while Satan snaps his fingers and Liam and the gang
appears.
SATAN
Ah, Drew Fangtastic, our resident vampire and betrayer most foul. Did
you really think you could have me overthrown by arranging to let Rupert
Murdoch in here?
FANGTASTIC
No, I arranged to have him brought here so that I could get rid of him
and Robert Maxwell your nastiness. Either one of them were a serious
threat to your position, my liege. With them gone-
ARTURO
Wait, I thought you said no one died here? How could Maxwell and Murdoch
be killed?
SATAN
You don't, and they aren't, but you can be sent… elsewhere.
ARTURO
I don't want to know where elsewhere is, do I?
Satan shakes his head, and at the same time the timer bleeps.
ARTURO AND BIPPO
Oh, time to slide.
They both look at each other, Arturo shakes his head in disgust and
activates the vortex. One by one the gang jumps in, followed by
Fangtastic, enraging Satan. Scrappy reappears with his note pad.
SATAN
Where does he think he's going? Do you know what kind of evil they have
unwittingly unleashed… on the ..Earth? Oh, that's a good thing though.
At least from my point of view anyhow.
SCRAPPY
Never mind him, with his track record of survival he'll be back here in
no time. In the mean time, I've a few improvements to make around here,
courtesy of Liam Smith.
SATAN
Yes, and after that, I can relax for awhile. It's not like I'm going to
have another evil and corrupt person try to take over hell, is it?
HAHAHA! Laugh with me Scrappy, laugh.
They both laugh, but the laughter is cut short as suddenly, a phalically
shaped spacecraft crashes into hell's throne room. After the dust
settles another figure is seen in the throne room.
SATAN
Who in the name of heaven are you?
DR EVIL
The name, is Evil, DOCTOR EVIL! I'm here to take over the place, unless
you pay me… ONE! MILLION! DOLLARS!
Dr Evil does the pinkie thing
SATAN
Today is a VERY bad day to be me.
THE END