INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS CASINO
LIAM SMITH bursts into the door and leaps over a craps table and lands feet first at his
blackjack table.

					LIAM
	Fifteen minutes late and no one's the wiser.
	Heh, heh, heh.

SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS appears behind him in a flash of lightning.

					SENESTRA
	You're late.

					LIAM
	Gah!

					SENESTRA
	You know what that means?

					LIAM
	Y-You're not going to fire me, are you?

					SENESTRA
	No, but I will make today a living hell for you.

					LIAM
	As opposed to what, exactly?

Senestra's face darkens.  She gets out a bullwhip and begins to crack it against
Liam's back.

					LIAM
	Ow!

					SENESTRA
	Work, piggy!  Work!  Nyaaa ha, ha, ha, ha, haaaaa!

Gamblers gather at the table as Senestra continues to whip Liam.

EXT. CIRCUS CIRCUS
Liam exits rubbing his back.

					LIAM
	Owwww... this hasn't been a good day.

A highway construction convoy roars by splattering Liam with hot tar and asphalt.
Next, a chicken truck rumbles by covering him with feathers.

					LIAM
	WON-derful.

BOBBY DeHUTT wadles out of a nearby doorway with a spork.

					BOBBY
					[drooling]
	Cheh-kin!

					LIAM
	Ah!

Liam runs with Bobby close on his heals.

EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Liam goes up to the security door and puts his key in the lock.  As he turns the key,
it breaks.  Liam looks at the broken key and sighs.

					LIAM
	Well, at least it couldn't get any worse.

There is a crash of thunder and a flash of lighting.  Rain begins to pour down
soaking poor Liam and making him look like a drowned cat.

					LIAM
	Well, looks like I was wrong, wasn't I?

FADE OUT
----------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG (The Name Game)

BIPPO:  Let's do Liam!

Liam, Liam, Bo-Biam, Banana Fanna Fo Fiam, Me My Moe-Miam... LIAM!

BIPPO:  Let's do Doris!

Doris, Doris, Bo-Boris, Banana Fanna Fo Foris, Me My Moe-Moris... DORIS!

BIPPO:  Let's do Arturo!

Arturo, Arturo, Bo-Barturo, Banana Fanna Fo Farturo, Me My-Moe Marturo!  ARTURO!

BIPPO:  Let's do Stacy!

Stacy, Stacy, Bo-Bacy, Banana Fanna Fo Facy, Me My-Moe Macy!  STACY!

BIPPO:  Let's do Chucky!

Chucky, Chucky, Bo-Bucky, Banana Fanna Fo Fu--

The picture goes to static as if the authority has just pulled the plug.  After a second,
a word appears on the screen.

OLÉ!

----------------------------------------------------------------


THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARRING

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

and
John Rhys Davies
as
"Professor Maximillion Arturo"

GUEST STARRING

Betty White
as
"Doris Winchester"

Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo The Clown"

Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"

William Shatner
as
"Bobby DeHutt"

and
Jason Donner
as
"Donner"

SPECIAL GUEST STAR

Sally Fields
as
"Sister Brothers"



FADE IN

EXT UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
It's pouring rain.  Liam is sitting on the front steps in front of the security 
door.  DORIS WINCHESTER walks up.

					DORIS
	Liam!  What are you doing here?

					LIAM
	I...

					DORIS
	You're in my way!

Doris walks around Liam and opens the security door.

					LIAM
	Mrs. Winchester!  Please!  I'm locked out!

					DORIS
	Oh... I thought you were doing one of those pagan
	rain worshipping ceremonies you youngsters are
	into these days.  Well, come on in, Liam.

Liam starts inside.  Doris stops him.

					DORIS
	You are Liam Smith, aren't you?  You're not some
	kind of imposter out to rob and kill us all, are
	you?

					LIAM
	Not as far as I know.

					DORIS
	Good enough for me.

They go inside.

INT. UPDA CREEK HALLWAY
Liam goes up to his door and reaches into his pockets looking for his keys.
After a while, he stomps the ground in frustration.  Doris walks by.

					DORIS
	New dance step?

					LIAM
	I can't find my keys.  I guess that's what I threw in
	frustration after I broke the end of my key off!!!  I
	can't even get a key from the professor 'cause he's not
	in right now!  God, this has been one of the worse days
	of my life!  Worse than the time I accidentally bought
	tickets to Bono on Ice!

					DORIS
					[sigh]
	All right.  You can come visit me until Max gets back.

					LIAM
	Do what?

					DORIS
	Come on.  Come on inside, boy.  The hallway's for walking,
	not sulking!

Doris goes off towards her apartment.  Liam follows.

INT. DORIS'S APARTMENT
This is the first time we see Doris's apartment.  It doesn't look like your run
of the mill old lady apartment.  On the contrary, there's a lot of contemporary
furniture done in black leather.   There is a glass coffee table and a Miller 
Lite neon sign glows in the background.  There is also a framed Nightmare on Elm
Street poster and a stuffed Winnie the Pooh doll.  Doris enters and Liam freezes
at the door.

					LIAM
	Wow.

					DORIS
	What?

					LIAM
	This doesn't look like a... well...

					DORIS
	A what?

					LIAM
	You know, a typical old lady apartment.  It doens't even
	have that old lady smell about it!

					DORIS
	Liam, I'm surprised that you would expect something so
	stereotypical!

					LIAM
	I'm sorry.

					DORIS
	Now, sit on the plastic or you won't get any ribbon
	candy!

Liam looks around for plastic to sit on and realizes that he's been duped
about the time Doris goes into the kitchen.

					DORIS
					[from kitchen]
	So, do you still like that, uh... Kary... Weir girl?

					LIAM
	Kari Wuhrer.  Oh, yes ma'am.

					DORIS
	What do you see in that harot, anyway?

					LIAM
	She's special.

					DORIS
	Specially untalented.

					LIAM
	Specially endowed.

Liam sees a picture on the coffee table.  He picks it up and looks at it.

INSERT: THE PICTURE
A black and white picture of a handsome man in a 1940's uniform.

					LIAM
	Who's this in the picture?

Doris enters with two beers.  She sits next to Liam and lovingly takes the
picture from Liam.

					DORIS
	That's was my fiancé, Donald.  We lost him during the war.

					LIAM
	Oh, I'm sorry.

Doris looks.

					DORIS
	Wait a minute...  This isn't Donald... Who the hell is...!?
	Oh, wait a minute... this came with the frame!  Donald
	was much much uglier.

DISSOLVE TO

DORIS'S APARTMENT
Several hours later.  Liam and Doris are having a conversation and both of them
appear to be enjoying it very very much.

					LIAM
	So you were at Woodstock?

					DORIS
	Oh, yeah.  Shared some good mary jane with Jimmi Hendrix.
	I did drop some bad acid, though.  Thought my hair turned
	into snakes.  I regret that.

					LIAM
	I know all about regret, Mrs. Winchester.

					DORIS
	It's Doris, Liam.  I have a lot of regrets in my life.  After
	I divorced Mr. Winchester in '79, I got knocked up.

					LIAM
	In 1979?

					DORIS
	I had the body of a twenty-nine year old.  Problem was, it aged
	sixty years since then.

					LIAM
	So you had a baby?

					DORIS
	I had a son.  I put him up for adoption.

					LIAM
	Really?  I was adopted.

					DORIS
	I kept him for a while.  I figured, what could I do to raise a son?
	By the time he was twenty, I'd be seventy-five!

					LIAM
	I'm twenty.

					DORIS
	I took him to Granny Goodness Orphanage.

					LIAM
	That's where I grew up.

					DORIS
	His doctor told me that he would grow up to be short and stupid
	looking.

					LIAM
	I'm short and stupid looking!

Doris and Liam look at each other for a beat.

					DORIS
	Son?

					LIAM
	Mom?

					DORIS
	SON!

					LIAM
	MOTHER!

They embrace.

FADE OUT

---------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
-  You deserve a Break Today!
-  Food!  Folks and Fun!
-  McDonalds: We're Never Happy With Our Slogan!
---------------------------------------------------------------

EXT. GRANNY GOODNESS ORPHANAGE
The sun is shining, children are playing.

INT. GRANNY GOODNESS ORPHANAGE - SISTER BROTHER'S OFFICE
Doris and Liam are sitting across from SISTER BROTHERS.

					LIAM
	Sister Brothers, we're here because we want to know who
	my mother was.

					SISTER BROTHERS
	I'm sorry, Liam.  But it's against state regulations to 
	tell you who your parents are.  It protects them and you.

					LIAM
	From what?

					SISTER BROTHERS
	It protects them.

					LIAM
	But...

					SISTER BROTHERS
	It protects them.

					LIAM
	I don't under...

					SISTER BROTHERS
	IT PROTECTS THEM!

					DORIS
	But we think that I'm his mother!

					SISTER BROTHERS
	Well, we still can't divulge that information because you
	don't have any proof of parentage.

					LIAM
	Well, how do we get proof?

					SISTER BROTHERS
	A birth certificate or a blood test would do.

					DORIS
	Sounds great!  I'll go call the hospital and set up an
	appointment.  I'm in an HMO, so if we tell them it's an
	emergency, we should be able to get in by Thursday...
	three weeks from now.

Doris leaves.

					LIAM
	Sister Brothers, can I just ask one question about
	my parents?

					SISTER BROTHERS
	Liam...

					LIAM
	Just tell me... did they love me?

Sister Brothers smiles.

					SISTER BROTHERS
	More than you know.

					LIAM
	Then why did they abandon me?

					SISTER BROTHERS
	Liam, it's not easy to understand... but people make mistakes
	and sometimes, to prevent the ones they love from being hurt
	by those mistakes, they have to let go.  Hypothetically speaking,
	of course.

					LIAM
	So... I was a mistake?

					SISTER BROTHERS
	I didn't say that.

					LIAM
	That's what you implied?

					SISTER BROTHERS
	That's not what I meant to imply.

					LIAM
	If you didn't mean to imply it, then why did you?

					SISTER BROTHERS
	I didn't.  It was a mistake.

					LIAM
	Like me?

					SISTER BROTHERS
	Yes.  NO!  No, Liam!  NO!  Listen... I'll tell you this, because
	I'm not privy to all of the details and I could get into big trouble,
	but the night you were left here, your parents were worried.   It
	was...  oh, how do I put this?  I was as if they were afraid for
	their lives... and yours!  I never understood why, but you should
	take caution.  Finding your parents could lead to nothing but 
	heartache and sorrow.

Liam reguards her for a minute.

					LIAM
	But what...?

There is a loud blaring car honk.

					DORIS
					[off camera]
	LIAM!  MOVE YOUR ASS, SON!

					LIAM
	Well, thank you Sister Brothers.

Liam exits.

					SISTER BROTHERS
	Good luck, Liam.  I just hope you find what you're looking for.

INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS
Liam is at his blackjack table speaking to Thad and Bippo.

					THAD
	So you really think Doris is your mom?

					LIAM
	There's a pretty good chance of it.  But we had a blood
	test done just to be sure.  I'm expecting the results any
	minute.

					BIPPO
	Liam, I'm hurt!  You know that I'm an expert on exsanguination!
	Blood is my hobby!  You should have called me first!  I would 
	have drained you quicker than a kegger at Drew Barrymore's
	sweet sixteen party!

Liam looks at Bippo and blinks.

					LIAM
	I'll keep that in mind, Bippo.

Doris enters with a paper sack.

					DORIS
	Hello, son!

					LIAM
	Hey, mom.

					DORIS
	I brought you some yummy cookies.

					LIAM
	Oh, that's sweet.

					DORIS
	I thought you'd like some homemade cookies, but then I realized
	I didn't have the time and can't cook worth a crap anyway, so
	I went to Skinny's and bought you a bag of Nutter Butters.

Liam gets a crushed bag of Nutter Butters out of the bag.

					LIAM
	I guess it's the thought that counts.

					THAD
	Or lack of.

					DORIS
	You're just jealous that Liam and I are forming a better
	releationship than you have with your parents.

					THAD
	I HAVE a good releationship with my parents.  Or, at least
	I did until...

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

THAD'S PARENT'S HOME - A FEW MONTHS AGO
THAD'S MOTHER and FATHER are sitting in easy chairs.  Thad paces back and forth in
front of them.

					MOTHER
	Thaddus, honey?  Is there something you want to say?

					THAD
	Well, mom... dad... this isn't going to be easy for
	me to say, I mean... after all, you've raised me in 
	such a strict conservative enviroment and I know this
	will come as a shock to you...

					FATHER
	Well, spit it out, son!

					THAD
	Mom, dad... I... Oh, god this is so hard!  I just want
	you to know that I still love you both very much and
	I'm still the same old Thad!

					MOTHER
	It's okay, son.  You can tell us.

					THAD
	Mom... Dad...  I'm coming out of the closet.
					[a pause]
	I'm a werewolf.

Mother and Father stand and begin pacing back and forth.

					MOTHER
	Thad... What did we do wrong?  What did we do wrong!?

					THAD
	You didn't do anything wrong, mom!  This is who I
	am!

					FATHER
	It's sick and disgusting!  No son of mine is going to
	be a werewolf!  Hanging around in werewolf bars and
	marching in werewolf pride parades!  No son of mine!

					THAD
	Dad, I'm Here, I'm Were!  Get used to it!

					FATHER
	I HAVE NO SON!!!

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

CIRCUS CIRCUS
As before.

					THAD
	Thankfully, though... we did work it out.

					LIAM
	You ate them, didn't you?

					THAD
	Just a little.

Senestra Malevolous appears out of a cloud of black smoke.

					SENESTRA
	What is this, some kind of party?  C'mon, get back to work
	or I'll give you whelps that'll make your children's children's
	children's butts ache!  Liam, quit acting like such a lump
	and make me some money!

Thad and Bippo run for it.  Doris gets in Senestra's face.

					DORIS
	Hey, don't you talk to him that way!

					SENESTRA
	I'll talk to my employee's any way I want!

A COURIER appears and hands Liam an envelope.  Liam takes the envelope, opens
it and reads.

					DORIS
	How would you like me to open a can of 100 proof Kentucky
	Wuppass on you and your leather-wearing self!

					SENESTRA
	Oh, yeah!  SMITH!  Who is this bitch!?

					DORIS
	Oh, you want to know who I am?  I'll have you know that
	I am Liam's...

					LIAM
	...next door neighbor.

					DORIS
	What?

					LIAM
	Test results are back.

Liam hands the letter to Doris.

					DORIS
	It's negative?

					LIAM
	I'm afraid so, Doris.

					SENESTRA
	I don't know what's going on here, and I don't care!
					[to Doris]
	You're fired!

					DORIS
	You can't fire me!  I QUIT!

					SENESTRA
	You can't do that!

					DORIS
	I just did!

					SENESTRA
	Don't give me any lip, you crusty old hag!  Get out of here!

					DORIS
	Where do I pick up my severance pay?

					SENESTRA
	Employee Relegations Office

					DORIS
	FINE!

					SENESTRA
	FINE!

Doris stomps away.  Senestra laughs and slinks out the other direction.

					BIPPO
	Waaaaaaaaaait a minute!  Doris doesn't work here!

Doris enters again with a check.

					DORIS
	Look, Liam!  I got five thousand dollars severance!  I'm going
	to Disneyland!

She exits.

					LIAM
	I don't think she cares.

Liam looks at the letter again sadly.

FADE TO

LIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
Bippo, Thad, Liam, and Donner are sitting there.

					DONNER
	Man, that's a sad story.  You almost knew who your parents
	were and then it was just snatched from you.  Life sucks,
	man.  My parents are awesome.  Don't you wish you were me?

					LIAM
	Not really, and I'm not giving up just yet!

					THAD
	So, what are you going to do?  The orphanage won't tell you
	who your real parents are.

					LIAM
	I know I can't find out who my mom and dad are through
	official means, therefore, I shall have to use unofficial
	means.

					DONNER
	Meaning?

					BIPPO
	When you want it done?

					LIAM
	As soon as possible.

					BIPPO
	Death?  Property damage?

					LIAM
	None if possible.  Just break in, find my file, and get out.

					BIPPO
	You do know that, in return, I shall ask a favor of you.
	You never know when, where, or what it will be, but when
	I have need of you... you will be at my disposal.

					LIAM
					[a beat]
	'kay.

					BIPPO
	I'll be back in an hour.

Bippo jumps dramatically off the couch, zigs and zags around the room ducking
behind chairs and hiding under tables until he jumps out the window.  Crashing and
cats screaming can be heard as he hits the ground face-first.

					DONNER
	Don't you think this is a little risky?  I mean, Bippo
	isn't exactly known for his subtlety.

					LIAM
	I know, Donner... but I do not care!  I must have answers!

					THAD
	Liam, you're obsessed!

					LIAM
	I may be willing to go to any lengths to get what I want!
	I may be willing to go through anyone and/or anything that
	stands in my way and I may spend every waking hour thinking
	about it... but that does not make me obsessed!

					DONNER
	No, it just makes you CRAZY!!!

FADE TO

LIAM'S APARTMENT - AN HOUR LATER
Donner and Thad are still there.  Liam is pacing back and forth.  Thad is eating
a hamburger.

					LIAM
	He should be here by now!

					DONNER
	Maybe he got held up in traffic or stopped at the
	slaughterhouse on the way home.  You know how much
	he enjoys that place.  The way the cows moan when
	the battering ram hits their skulls at 80 miles
	per hour...

Thad puts down his hamburger and gives Donners a "gee, thanks" look.

					LIAM
	Maybe we should go out looking for him.

					THAD
	Bippo will be fine, Liam.  He...

BIPPO enters.  His shirt is torn to pieces and he's breathing wildly.

					BIPPO
	Damn, dem nuns was pissed!

					LIAM
	Did you get my file?

					BIPPO
	As the French say, Viola (mispronounced)!

Bippo hands the file to Liam.  Liam takes the file and starts to the kitchen.  He stops.

					LIAM
	You didn't... kill anyone for this, did you?

					BIPPO
	Like who?  Nuns and orphans?  What kind of a man
	do you think I am?

					LIAM
	I reiterate.  You didn't kill anyone for this,
	did you?

					BIPPO
	No!  I do have standards, dammit!  You must be over
	18 and have no affiliation with the church!  I won't
	harm one of God's messengers.

					THAD
	Bippo, that's sweet.

					BIPPO
	Cause believe me, I do NOT want to piss that mug off!
	You ever read the bible?  Man, the Big "G" turned a 
	chick into a pillar of salt, flooded the entire earth
	and drowned everyone, made this dude Job's life a living
	hell just to win a bet with the devil.  God rocks, man!

Liam has sat down at the table and is going through the file.

					LIAM
	Let's see... 

Liam's mouth drops open.

					LIAM
	Look!  It's my mom and dad's names!  Holly Starr and Drake
	Daniels!  It says that they were never married.

					BIPPO
	Liam, doesn't that make you a bast--?

Thad smacks Bippo shutting him up.  Liam is too busy going through the
files to notice.

					LIAM
	Ha!  Phone numbers!  I have found my parents phone numbers!

					DONNER
	Well, what are you waiting for!?  Call them up!

LIAM goes for the phone and dials the first number.

					LIAM
	I'm going to try my mom first, maybe she--
					[a beat]
	Hello?  Hello, operator, I...
					[a beat]
	Oh, disconnected, huh?  Well, is there a forwarding
	number I can...?
					[a beat]
	No?  None at all?
					[a beat]
	Is there any other listings for a Holly Starr?
					[a beat]
	I see.  Thank you.

Liam hangs up.

					LIAM
	No luck.  Her phone was disconnected in 1989 and there's no 
	other listing for her.

					DONNER
	That's unnusual.  Almost as if she doesn't want you to
	find her.

					THAD
	You can still try your dad!

					LIAM
	Yeah, but... Oh, god... I'm so nervous!

					THAD
	Guys, let's leave him alone for a minute.

					DONNER
	Good idea.  We'll be outside if you need us.

Thad, Donner, and Bippo files out into the hallway.  Liam dials the phone.

INT. THE HALLWAY
Donner, Bippo, and Thad are standing out there.

					THAD
	God, this must be making the little guy nervous, huh?

					DONNER
	As opposed to me who is standing alone in a hallway
	with a werewolf and a homicidal clown?  Oh, yeah... I
	feel REAL sorry for him.

Bippo is listening through the door with a stethoscope.

					THAD
	Bippo!  Are you eavesdropping on Liam?  Oh, that is
	so disgusting and untrustworthy!
					[a beat]
	What's going on in there anyway?

					BIPPO
	I don't know.  All I can hear is Liam yelling.

					DONNER
	Damn.  It must not be going to good then, huh?

					THAD
	We'd better get back in there.  He may need us.

Thad, Bippo, and Donner go back in.

INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Donner, Thad, and Bippo enter quietly. Liam is screaming into the phone.

					LIAM
	No, YOU don't understand!  This is a very difficult call for
	me to make!  You act like you don't even care!  Do you
	realized how long it's taken me to...!  You don't, do you?
	I can't believe it!  I've been waiting for this my whole
	life and YOU act like it's nothing!  This... This is very
	hard for me, understand?
					[a beat]
	All right.  All right.  All right, operator, I'll dial direct!
	Yeah, thanks!

Liam hangs up.  Bippo, Thad, and Donner slump.

					DONNER
	You almost gave me a heart attack!  I thought you were yelling
	at your dad!

Liam says nothing.  He dials the number in the file and waits.

					LIAM
	Oh, hello.  I'm trying to reach Drake Daniels.
					[a pause]
	Well, sir... this is going to sound strange, but
	I'm Liam...  I was left at Granny Goodness 
	Orphanage in 1980.
					[a pause]
	I see...
					[a pause]
	He is?
					[a pause]
	Oh, well... okay.
					[a pause]
	Yeah, thank you.  Bye.

Liam hangs up.

					DONNER
	Well, how did the chat with the old man go?

					LIAM
	Nowhere.

					DONNER
	What do you mean?  Is your dad an ass or something?

A beat.

					LIAM
	He's dead.

FADE OUT

-----------------------------------------------------------------
- Term Life Insurance.
- Gimmie a light!
- Don't smoke, idiot!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS
Liam is standing at his blackjack table and appears to be a million miles
away.  Four customers surround him.

					LIAM
	House busts again.  Players win.  Whoopdee doo.

The players shout for joy.  Senestra Malevoulous parachutes in behind him.

					SENESTRA
	Liam!  What's a matter with you!  You've lost over four
	thousand dollars in the last thirty minutes!  Oooo, you're
	REALLY going to get it now!

Senestra begins to uncoil her whip.

					LIAM
	Whatever.  Look, babe... can you make it quick?  I've got
	things to do here!

Senestra lets the whip go slack.

					SENESTRA
	Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that you're not scared?
	You're not quivering with fear?  You're not... afraid of me?

					LIAM
	Ah...  Nope, not particuarly.

					SENESTRA
	I...uh... have to go!

Senestra runs away crying.

					SENESTRA
					[off camera]
	Rock!  Tank!  Call my psychiatrist immediately!

EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Liam walks up to the security gate.  Doris comes out right before he goes in.

					DORIS
	Liam, I just heard... are you...?

					LIAM
	Never better, Doris!  Laters!

Liam walks inside whistling.

INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Arturo is sitting at the front desk as Liam walks by.

					ARTURO
	Liam, my boy.  You've got several messages.

He begins handing cards to Liam.

					ARTURO
	Sympathy cards from Stacy VaVoom, Elvis, Chocolate Treat,
	Harry, Triumph, Bobby... hm, apparently this is an apololgy
	for holding you down and gnawing on your leg.  And, I myself 
	would like to express my condolences for your loss.

					LIAM
	Yeah, thanks Proff.  Gotta jet.

Liam skips upstairs.  Arturo watches him go.

INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Donner is asleep on the couch snoring loudly.  Liam enters and slams the door, jolting
Donner out of dreamland.

					DONNER
	Oh, Fifi... Woo!  Woo!

					LIAM
	Donner!

					DONNER
	Gar?

					LIAM
	It's 4 o'clock.

					DONNER
	Four o'clock!  What the hell am I doing here?

					LIAM
	You fell asleep around five AM.  That was nice of you,
	though, sticking around last night.

					DONNER
	I haven't slept on a couch since I was ten!  God, it
	makes me feel all dirty!  Give me my tiger-print silk
	sheets any day!

Liam walks into the kitchen whistling.

					DONNER
	So, uh... are you doing okay?

					LIAM
	I'm super.

					DONNER
	Uh-huh.

					LIAM
	Couldn't be better.

Liam reenters with a glass of orange juice.

					DONNER
	Liam, are you dense?  You just found out that your dad
	is dead and you're walking around whistling like the 
	seven dwarfs!

					LIAM
	He wasn't my dad!

					DONNER
	Do what?

					LIAM
	Whoever Drake Daniels was, he was not my dad!  No dad 
	would allow their son to be dropped off like he did, so
	as far as I'm concerned he is an unfortunate blood 
	relation.  Nothing more!

					DONNER
	But, still... this isn't healthy for you!  There has to
	be at least a small measure of grief for you...

					LIAM
	Grief?  GREIF!?

In a fit of rage, Liam throws the glass across the room shattering it into 
a million pieces.

					LIAM
	Let me tell YOU something!

Liam gets in Donner's face.

					LIAM
	When Mister Hilter died, I grieved!  I grieved because I cared
	about him and he cared about me!  In this case, there is no grief
	because I didn't KNOW my dad!  I don't care to know him and it
	is none of your damned business whether I shed a tear or not!

A beat.

					DONNER
	Liam, I...

					LIAM
	Just... Just go.

					DONNER
	Liam...

					LIAM
	GO!

There's another beat.  Donner sighs and leaves.  Liam stands there for a minute
and goes to the kitchen for a broom and dustpan.  There's a knock at the door.
Liam reenters to answer it.  It's Bippo the Clown.

					BIPPO
	'Sup, home skillet?

					LIAM
	Bippo, I'm not in the mood.

					BIPPO
	S'okay, I was just stopping by to give you something.  I meant
	to give it to you last night, but it fell between my car seats
	and I didn't see it until I was cleaning out the blood this
	morning.  Did I say blood?  I meant to say... uh... 

					LIAM
	What are you wanting to give me?

					BIPPO
	Here, this picture was in your file I swiped.

Bippo hands Liam a picture.

INSERT - THE PICTURE
A man, a woman, and a baby.  Everyone in the picture is happy.

					LIAM
	Who the hell is...?

					BIPPO
	That's you... that's Drake Daniels and that's Holly Starr.
	It's you and your parents.

Liam is shocked.

					BIPPO
	You all right?

					LIAM
	They... we're all happy.

					BIPPO
	Yeah, the smiles are a dead giveaway, aren't they?

					LIAM
	They really loved me.

					BIPPO
	Well, duh!  They ARE your parents, Liam!  By the way.
	Sorry about your dad.  He looked like a nice guy.

					LIAM
	He... he really cared about me.

					BIPPO
	Liam, you okay?

Liam quickly wipes a tear from his eye.

					LIAM
	Y-Yeah, I-I'm fine.  Listen, Bippo.... uh... you think
	you could go?  I... need a little time... by myself.

					BIPPO
	Sure.  There's a dog show downtown, I got a cat trapped
	in my car... it's playtime!

Bippo leaves.  Liam holds the picture up and, for the first time, he cries.

FADE TO

INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
We see a blank wall.  Then, Liam's walks over and hangs the picture of him and his parents
up.  In his other hand, he's holding his now-unframed autographed picture of Kari Wuhrer.

					LIAM
	Sorry, Kari... I'll get you a new frame tomorrow.  Until then,
	you can sleep with me!

Liam clutches the picture to his chest and walks out of frame.  

					LIAM
	I'll find you someday, mom.  I swear it.

The camera holds on the picture of baby Liam and his parents as we...

FADE TO BLACK

THE END
ROLL CREDITS

Please Rate "Son of a Gun!" Sucks >> >> >> Wonderful! Results