I can't write, I know. Please tell me what you think about this at mara101331@home.com.
FADE IN: Monday morning, Washington D.C. Dana Scully bounces perkily down the stairs to the basement of the FBI Building. The camera follows her POV as she walks down the short hallway and pushes open a door marked "FOX MULDER Special Agent". She sees Mulder leaning back at his desk alternately throwing pencils at the ceiling and smiling broadly at a manila file folder laying open on his desk Every available flat surface in the office, including the floor, is covered in open packages of sunflower seeds. INT: MULDER'S OFFICE MULDER (startled) Oh, uh, hey Scully... (camera now following action normally) He hurriedly slams the open file folder shut on his desk and hides it under another file. Scully looks disgusted with the mess and starts to sweep the packages into the trash can, but it's already full. She sighs, her good mood destroyed, and elects to remain standing for the moment. SCULLY (trying to remain calm) Hi, Mulder. What's in the folder? Mulder holds up the TOP file and passes it off as the one that was absorbing his interest MULDER Well. . . Apparently the FBI has been recording a host of 'incidents' inside the Los Vegas metropolitan area. I actually was going to request this case a few weeks ago, but... (smiling) I've been distracted. Scully gives Mulder THE LOOK, knocks the trash off of a cheap plastic chair, and sits down near the cheap plywood table near the door. The table makes a loud cracking noise as she puts her bulging briefcase down on it. SCULLY (finally snapping as she puts her elbow into a pile of wet sunflower seed shells) Mulder, if I can sit through another of your overly enthused monologues about your latest theory on ghosts or vampires or government conspiracies without scoffing, debunking, or looking at you like you're crazy, will you get me a desk? MULDER (considers for half a second) Sure! He shoves an "Office Furniture Request Form" under the mess on his desk. He wades over to the trusty slide projector. MULDER During the past year, a number of murders, cases of property destruction, and general disturbances of the peace were reported in or around the Las Vegas strip. SCULLY So? It's VEGAS for crying out loud. MULDER (puppy dog look) Think office furniture, Scully. SCULLY OOH! Sorry! Go on. MULDER (loading slides) Here... (click) we see a man walking out to the trash with a paper bag. (slide shows HARRY THE HANDYMAN tossing poor Fluffy's un-flushed remains into a dumpster) From the way he's holding it away from himself... God only knows what's in that bag, Scully. Here... (click) we have a shady looking man darting about the strip wearing a mask. Obviously, he meant to disguise his identity from anyone observing his suspicious behavior. (slide shows DONNER wearing his Capeman "souvenir") This next one... (click) we see a poor, innocent woman mauled to death in the street! This kind of thing just makes every bone in my body cry out in disgust and horror. (slide shows one of Thad Coffey's more voluptuous victims) SCULLY We'll find who did it Mulder. I KNOW we will. (sigh) MULDER (cont.) This next one is (click) uhh, oops. (slide shows another dead prostitute) Another victim of the same horrible crime. (click) (this one's a live prostitute) Sh... Mulder quickly pulls out the next ten slides from the projector and shoves them into an envelope which he puts in a drawer. We see that the drawer is almost full with videocassettes. He clicks through the blank spaces rapidly. MULDER I think we have a strong case here (click, click) ahh, here we go. I can't quite tell what this slide is. Slide shows hellfire coming through the window of LIAM'S apartment SCULLY Mulder, I think it looks like fire coming through the window of an apartment. Mulder looks at her warningly. SCULLY Well, it DOES! MULDER But this is no ordinary fire, Scully. See this here? (he walks to the screen) this here looks like a man standing... IN the fire. And this blob here... it almost looks like the corner of an inscribed pentagram to me. (points to a figure in the flames. Slide, of course, shows SATAN inside LIAM'S apartment.) It looks almost like HELLFIRE!! SCULLY Mulder, what makes you think that all of these cases are at all connected? (backpedaling) I mean, um... they are all... er... CERTANTLY connected, Mulder, of course! MULDER Good girl. Actually I have real evidence this time. Scully looks completely shocked and grabs the edge of the table. SCULLY What?? MULDER I have a composite sketch of a man who witnesses claim was seen at or near EVERY crime scene! I haven't found his name, but I got Danny to look through every high school yearbook in Nevada to try and find a name to go with this guy. SCULLY How did you get him to do that? MULDER I promised him tickets to a Buffalo Bills game. SCULLY He DOES know that they're gonna lose, right? MULDER Hope springs eternal. Mulder hands Scully a plane ticket with the words VIVA LAS VEGAS and a picture of a giant casino on the front envelope. As we get a close-up we see that it is in fact Circus, Circus. SCULLY Hey Mulder, if I can keep this up the whole trip, do I get my name on the door, too? MULDER (as he walks out) Hey, don't push it. Scully sneers at his back, sticking her tongue out at him. She grabs her briefcase from the floor and shakes off the sunflower seeds. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title Theme: the familiar "X-Files" music plays as we see a black and white "the Liam smith show" onscreen [Note: this should be in the style of the opening montage from TXF] Shots include: -Harry the Handyman pointing at a UFO -A psychic reading an aura map and saying, "Renee, you have no LIFE" -Liam's wallet with his drivers license showing. Screen text reads: DIAN BACHER -Mirror image Fluffys diving toward each other under the words: YOU WILL PAY, LIAM -A ghostly and sleek form struts down a hallway under the words GOVERNMENT DENIES COMPETENCE -Professor Arturo's wallet with his drivers license showing. We also see his library card reading "Maximillion Arturo". Screen text reads: JOHN RHYS DAVIES -Chocolate Treat's face all stretched out -A little dummy with Liam's face on it falls toward a hand with a red spot. He falls into the red spot and we hear a little 'splash' and The Devil's laughter. -The mountains with the sky and trees. Lightning flashes and we see the word OLÉ! appear above the mountain --------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK NEXT ON FOX... Nine O' Clock News: horrible deaths, more horrible deaths, a TRAGIC death, and a cute doggy saves the day. Isn't that the point... of contact? Coney and tots... mmmmmm. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------THE LIAM SMITH SHOW STARRING Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith" John Rhys Davies as "Professor Arturo" QUICKIES, SLIDES AND GUEST STAR-ING-NESS BY The Stick as ''Harry the Handyman'' Jason Donner as "Donner" Cameron Diaz as ''Stacy VaVoom'' and David Peckinpah as "Satan" SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY William B. Davis as "The Cigarette Smoking Man" Mitch Pilleggi as Assistant Director Walter Skinner Kelly Pfiffner as "Angry Woman" Kevin Booker as "Guy Who Dies Violently For No Apparent Reason " AND SPECIAL GUEST STARS David "G-Man" Duchovny as "Special Agent Fox Mulder" and Gillian "Uber" Anderson as "Special Agent Dana Scully" FADE IN: INT: CIRCUS, CIRCUS Liam is working a craps table. LIAM Kay, um, call it! GUY WHO DIES VIOLENTLY FOR NO APPARENT REASON C'mon EIGHT! He dances around making a fool of himself. Everyone at the table gets really bored-looking and GUY WHO DIES finally rolls a two. LIAM Wow! They match! And hey, they look like little eyes. He gives all the chips to GUY WHO DIES MOB OF PEOPLE HEY!!! The giant mob of people jumps GUY WHO DIES and beats him to a bloody stain on the floor. Liam runs away whimpering and hides behind a huge plant. LIAM Boy, these people sure are sore losers! The mob of people comes back to the table. They straighten their hair and jackets. One guy picks up the dice and another takes Liam's place. Play continues normally. LIAM Everything looks under control here. I think I'll call it a day... One of the players spins around, apparently looking right at Liam. She storms toward the plant. ANGRY WOMAN YOU EVIL BASTARD! How DARE you try that around me? The ANGRY WOMAN walks right past Liam, who is sucking his thumb and whimpering. The ANGRY WOMAN slaps a guy standing near the door. ANGRY WOMAN I've been waiting here for two hours waiting for you! I had to play craps so as not to die of boredom! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?? GUY OWWW! Geez, I'm sorry! I was stuck in traffic! My tire blew out! My carburetor fell out in the middle of the strip! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!! ANGRY WOMAN Awwww! It's OK, honey, I forgive you... GUY Great! I'm gonna go hit the slots! GUY runs toward a quarter girl walking the slots and begins to hit on her. ANGRY WOMAN YOU BASTARD!! CUT TO: Liam has passed out under the plant. ----------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK T-shirt Emporium - 17 cents per shirt! Pop tarts! They dance! FAMILY GUY IS BACK!! ----------------------------------------------------------------- CUT TO: EXT: UPDA CREEK APTS. HELECOPTER SHOT, DAY We hear Liam's tortured scream from 100 feet up INT: LIAM'S APT. LIAM (delirious) No Mommy, don't make me wear the beanie to school! The other kids always shove it... (he snaps out of it) Ahh!! Where am I? From Liam's POV on the floor we see him opening his eyes and seeing PROFESSOR ARTURO staring down at him. ARTURO Liam, my boy, you're going to have to stop getting in trouble at work. I may be old, but I DO have something better to do than drag you home from work every day. LIAM Boy, thanks, Professor. ARTURO You're welcome, Liam. Now, lets try and figure out what has you so scared. Mr. Hilter and Liam move to Liam's couch and Liam lies down like at a psychiatrists. LIAM Well, it all started the day my foster mother made me wear a propeller beanie to school... FADE OUT FADE IN: A rental car drives down the Las Vegas strip. A couple of 'off-duty' hookers walk by and the driver's side window rolls down and MULDER leans out, his eyes open really wide. MULDER (to Scully) Now all we need is a place to shag... er... stay the night. SCULLY (drowsy) Yeah, sure, sounds great. They drive around through a host of NO VACANCIES signs. Finally they arrive at Upda Creek Apartments. STACY VaVOOM walks toward the front door, carrying a bunch of groceries. She bends over to put the groceries down, then opens the door, picks up the groceries and goes inside. MULDER I think we've found someplace! SCULLY Mulder, that's an apartment building! MULDER (whining) There aren't any vacant hotels, Scully! Pleeeeeeease?? SCULLY I'M going in to ask. You stay here. Another group of hookers struts by the building. MULDER Whatever you say Scully gets out of the car as Mulder leans out the window and whistles at the hookers. Scully walks into Upda Creek. INT: LOBBY Scully walks up to Arturo who is behind a desk shuffling papers and drinking coffee. Scully reads the nametag on his desk and looks a little surprised. ARTURO How may I help you? SCULLY I'm special agent Dana Scully, FBI. (she flashes her badge) My partner and I are investigating some deaths in this area and we need a place to stay. I realize this is an apartment complex, but all the hotels are full. ARTURO Are there EVER any rooms in Las Vegas? Sure, you can stay here, but I've only got one room open. It used to belong to this chap named Gary the Fanboy but he's gone now. I must warn you though, the place smells of BO and Noxema! SCULLY Do you have some sort of partition I could use? A sheet? ARTURO Sorry. We lost all of our spare sheets the last time Pat Buchanan dropped by. SCULLY It's OK. I'll just make Mulder sleep in the bathtub. Arturo smiles at her as she turns to the door. She sees Mulder, who is on the street doing something illegal to a hooker. SCULLY Mulder! Get in here! I got us a room! The hooker slaps Mulder, yells something at him and skulks away. He walks slowly toward Upda Creek. MULDER (mumbling) I never SAID I was married! CUT TO: INT. A HALLWAY Professor Arturo is showing them around their floor. ARTURO That's Stacy VaVoom's apartment... that's Thad Coffey's, that's Chocolate Treat's, that's mine... and that's Liam Smith's. MULDER Who was that coming in with all the groceries? ARTURO Umm, that would be Stacy. Scully gives Mulder another LOOK. SCULLY Thank you very much, Mr. Arturo. ARTURO Professor. It's OK, a lot of common and uneducated people make that mistake. MULDER (wasn't listening) Yeah, thanks, Mr. Arturo. They step into their room and shut the door. Arturo is about to go back to his apartment when Liam runs down the hall and knocks him over. ARTURO What the hell? LIAM Professor! Professor! There's a Man in Black outside and he wants to talk to you!! ARTURO A man in black? You mean a robber? Did I lock the safe?? LIAM No, I mean a shadow government player!! Just like on TV!! C'mon! ARTURO Ehhh, keep your shirt on. CUT TO: THE LOBBY The CIGGARETTE SMOKING MAN is tapping his foot, waiting for Professor Arturo. He tries to put out his cigarette on the floor and accidentally starts a small carpet fire. CSM Dammit!! He quickly begins to stamp out the fire, but it catches on his pants leg. CSM Holy Mother of God!! CSM attempts to pat it out, but it sets fire to his sleeve instead. Panic sets in as he grabs Arturo's cold coffee and dumps it on his arm. The fire there goes out. He drops the cup and grabs Arturo's nameplate. He beats out the fire on his leg, singing and melting the nameplate. He stamps out the carpet fire. CSM (looking at nametag and carpet) DAMMIT!! Mulder will PAY for this. Rrrrgh... He pulls out a cell phone. CUT TO: INT. 87th Street, NYC A RANDOM ELDER picks up the phone ELDER Yes? [long pause] I can do that. [pause] Yes, sir. He hangs up and busts out laughing. THE LOBBY The CSM puts his cell phone away as Liam and Professor Arturo walk down the hall. LIAM See?!? I told you he was a Man in Black! ARTURO Actually, Liam, that's smoke. CSM Mr. Arturo, you have two FBI agents under your roof, have you not? ARTURO It's pro-fess-or, and yes, I do. LIAM Huh? When did they get here? CSM I'd advise you not to be of too much help to them, Mr. Arturo. You never know who you will need as an ally until it's too late. The CSM takes out another cig and a match. We see a shot of Liam and Arturo through the smoke as he lights up. ARTURO HEY! No smoking in my building! You don't scare me, Mr. Shadow. I present all of my tenants with the same courtesies no matter WHO wants them dead or discredited! Got it? CSM Don't say I didn't warn you, Mr. Arturo. The CSM walks out the door, taking a long drag. ARTURO AND ITS PRO-FESS-OR YOU INSANE GOVERNMENT BLITHERING IDIOT!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK Juicy Juice! Those other juices only use 10% kid in their formula! NEW STAR WARS ACTION FIGURES OF INCREDIBLY MINOR CHARACTERS!! Where do you want to go today? Well TOO BAD! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- FADE IN: EXT. THE HALLWAY Mulder leaves his shared apartment carrying a bucket. He is dressed in sweats and tennies and is apparently looking for the ice machine, even though this isn't a hotel. He knocks on the door just across the hall. MULDER Hello? LIAM (through door) Just a sec! We hear a loud OHHHHH!, a click, and the sound of Liam walking to the door. LIAM Uh... sorry. Can I help ya? MULDER Yeah, can you tell me where the ice mach... HEY! Just a sec! Mulder finally gets a good look at Liam. He runs back to his room (all 2 steps) and grabs something off the dresser. It is a sketch of a person, but we can't see it very well. Mulder holds the sketch up next to Liam, but we still don't see the face. Mulder looks at it, looks at Liam, looks at the sketch... MULDER I'm Fox Mulder, FBI. Sir, is this you in this sketch? LIAM (looking at it) Uhh, it could be, lemmie see it in the light. Liam takes the sketch into his apartment and stands next to a window, looking at it carefully (I'll tell you when we see it). Mulder follows him and proceeds to scope the apartment. He looks at the paused VCR. A blurry flash of what looks like a leg can be seen on the screen. Mulder pushes PLAY. KARI WURHER (on tape) OH, GOD!! YES!! Mulder looks back at Liam, who is still considering the sketch. Mulder turns the volume way down and gets comfy. FADE OUT FADE IN: LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is still at the window, even though the sun has gone down. Mulder is asleep and there is snow on the TV. LIAM (mumbling) Well, that IS my hair, and that mouth looks familiar, but it's definitely not my nose or eyebrows... Hmmm... There is a knock at the door. SCULLY Mulder, are you in there? Liam answers the door. LIAM Yeah, he's here. SCULLY Oh, my God, I had no idea... May I speak to him for a minute, Mr.- LIAM (blabbering) S-s-smitten, I am Smitten! Scully looks slightly disgusted as she walks over to Mulder and stares at him for a second. Shaking her head, she notices the tape and pops it out. SCULLY Kari Wurher's White House Internship? He's getting really desperate! Mulder! Wake up! MULDER (dreaming) Yes, Kari... I WILL hire you... mmmmm... perks... yummie... SCULLY Mulder! WAKE UP! MULDER (snapping out of it) Yeah! I'm up! Where's the little guy? Mulder turns around to see Liam still studying the composite sketch. LIAM (drooling a little) Well, I'm sorry, I don't think that's me in that sketch. Umm... can I ask you something, Miss? Er, Ma'am? SCULLY (looking at Liam) Lemmie see that sketch. Hmmmm. She looks at it, looks at Liam, looks at the sketch... SCULLY (cont.) Well, that's definitely your nose and eyebrows... but that's certainly not your hair... and that mouth looks familiar... hmmm. Mulder takes the composite from Scully and puts it in his pocket. MULDER Well, Mr. Smitten, if you see that man, you be sure to let me know. Suddenly, a loud howl comes through the wall. Mulder and Scully jump about 6 feet in the air and draw their guns. As soon as everyone settles down, someone pounds on the door which sends everyone flying. ARTURO Liam!! Open this door! LIAM (from behind couch) It's open! Professor Arturo storms in and grabs Liam by the collar. Harry the Handyman is right behind him. Mulder and Scully were just putting their weapons away, but they freeze. ARTURO Liam, did you give Thad that little package I gave you last Thursday?? CUT TO: INT. DONNER'S PENTHOUSE . Donner is sitting in a plush easy chair in an elaborate library, ripping open a brown package. It is a box of Biteodine CQ(tm) Werewolf Patches. DONNER Cool! He rips a big one open and slaps it on his leg. Immediately all the hair on his body retracts into his skin. DONNER Whoa! Dude! No more electrosis for me! CUT TO: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is thinking hard, hand on chin. LIAM Um, I think so. Maybe. A loud crash is heard, as though someone is throwing a large piece of electronics against the wall. Scully cringes, then looks out the window at the full moon. ARTURO I think we'll be OK, folks. Thad has...um, manic depression. He usually takes medication but apparently someone forgot to give it to him. Another loud splintering crash comes from Thad's apartment. HARRY I'm gonna have to fix that end table again. ARTURO Everything's going to be OK, folks. Thad just has to... calm down a bit. We'll go over tomorrow and check on him. SCULLY Sir, I am a medical doctor... I really should make sure he doesn't hurt himself if he's really in a psychotic state... ARTURO He'll be FINE. Trust me, he's not going to hurt himself. SCULLY Well...if you're absolutely sure... (long beat) While you're here, sir, do you recognize this man? She holds up the sketch to Arturo. ARTURO Hmm... well, that guy sure looks familiar... like someone I see almost every day... HARRY Hey, lemmie see that... He slaps himself in the forehead. HARRY GOD, we are all so stupid! I know EXACTLY who this is! SCULLY & MULDER WHO?? HARRY Why, it's... The walls suddenly burst into flames of... you guessed it, HELLFIRE. Mulder assumes the fetal position. MULDER MOMMIE!! SCULLY!! PHOEBE!! SCULLY The gas lines must have burst and been ignited by a candle that the man next door knocked over while in a schizophrenic rage! LIAM No! I know what this means! I've seen it before! HARRY No you haven't. LIAM Have so! HARRY Have not! LIAM HAVE ... SATAN SILENCE FOOLS!! Satan appears as an image in the flame. Scully draws her gun. Arturo gasps. Mulder and Liam scream like little girls. Harry spits. HARRY I'm gonna have to fix this. SATAN SILENCE! I have a message for a Fox Mulder... is he here? MULDER I don't wanna die again! SATAN YOU! Skinner wants you back in Washington, pronto! SCULLY WHAT?!? SATAN Well, that's what he said! Don't shoot the messenger! Satan disappears and the flames retreat. Scully picks up Mulder and heaves him over her shoulder. SCULLY I'm sorry, Mr. Arturo, but we have to run. You have Mulder's credit card number for the room. They leave. The others are dumbfounded. The phone rings. ARTURO Hello? THAD Professor? I got impaled with the coffee table again. Arturo sighs and hangs up. CUT TO: WASHINGTON D.C., INT: SKINNER'S OFFICE Skinner is giving Moose and Squirrel the usual nothing-ever-happened treatment. SKINNER Your reports look satisfactory and your expense account was under ten figures, so it cleared... That'll be all, agents. Mulder and Scully look a little stunned, but they leave by the side door. From the shadows by the front door, the CSM appears. CSM You failed to deal with them as I asked. SKINNER I'm sorry, but I can't keep sending them out and calling them back like that...they get so suspicious. If they get suspicious, a lot of our plotlines will fall apart. CSM I have my orders, just like you. Satan will not be pleased. SKINNER Sorry. The CSM snuffs out his cig in the ashtray and leaves. Skinner sits back to contemplate the events when he smells something. Sniffing, he leans over to the still-smoking ashtray. SKINNER Is that a joint?? CREATED BY CHRIS CARTER "I stole this!" THE END ROLL CREDITS