The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.12: "Stacy the Supermodel Slayer"
By David Hopper
FADE IN:
INT. UPPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - ARTURO'S APARTMENT.
PROFESSOR ARTURO is sitting down watching the end credits of
a movie on his VCR. He does not look happy. His eyes are wide
open and his mouth so tightly shut that it would take a
crowbar to open it. He gets up and storms across to the VCR,
ejects the tape and puts it in a box. The camera gets close
enough to see that it has a submarine on the cover and a "U"
in the titles capitalised and a few numbers after it. Arturo
goes across to his window, opens it, throws the tape out of
the window and forces the window down hard.
ARTURO
Damned check of it all. How dare
they take credit for that? The
Enigma code was broken before the
Americans even joined the war.
EXT. UPPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - A BACK ALLEY. Three people
passing-by the window, one of whom gets whacked on the head
by the video box. He staggers and his friends try to help him
keep his balance.
PASSER-BY#1
Ow, damnit. Who threw that?
PASSER-BY#2
Not me, must have came from above.
PASSER-BY#3
You hear that?
PASSER-BY#2
Hear what?
Before anyone can reply to that, the three people get
attacked by thin, shadowy figures. A chainsaw is heard
revving up over the screams.
INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT - Arturo hears the screams from
outside and starts stuffing cotton wool in his ears.
ARTURO
Damned cats. Always screaming.
Sounds just like babies. Or people
being killed maybe.
MUSICAL STING
-------------------------------------------------------------
Theme tune [to the theme of "Today's the teddy bears have
their picnics"]
If you go down to Las Vegas today, you better go in disguise.
If you go down to Las Vegas today you wouldn't believe your
eyes.
Cos every freak that ever there was,
Has come on out to scare you to death.
Today's the day the supermodels come out to eat you.
OLE!
--------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"LIAM SMITH"
Jon Rhys Davies
As
"PROFESSOR ARTURO"
GUEST STARRING
Cameron Diaz
as
"STACY VAVOOM"
Robert Floyd
as
"BIPPO the CLOWN"
Mike Nelson
as
"THAD COFFEY"
SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY
Christopher Lee
as
The Voice of "DEATH"
Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer
as
"Themselves"
and
Ted Raimi, Jerry O'Connell and Matt LeBlanc
As
"Passer-by#1, #2 and #3."
AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR
David (yes, the person writing this) Hopper
as
"DREW FANGTASTIC"
WITH
Sophie Dahl, Kate Moss, Capprice,
Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell,
Claudia Schiffer, Elle McPherson
----------------------------------
INT. UPPA DA CREEK APARTMENTS
an office like room. BIPPO, THAD, LIAM, ARTURO, STACY and
FANGTASTIC are in the middle of a tenant meeting, it's been
going on for quite awhile. Only Stacy whose taken over the
chair looks like she wants to be there. Fangtastic whose
sitting in at Liam's request has his feet on the table, Liam
is nodding off to sleep, Thad and Arturo are looking through
paperwork, bored. Bippo is juggling with eggs.
STACY
Okay, the next issue for debate is
the complaints about the strange
noises that happen every now and
then, seemingly at random in the
basement whenever we agree to let
Drew in there.
FANGTASTIC
Hey, come on, I've sound proofed
the place as best I can.
ARTURO
It's not the noise as such that's
the issue, we're more worried about
what your doing in there to cause
it.
FANGTASTIC
Oh come on, can't I have some
privacy as to what I do? Do you
prey into what Bippo gets up to?
THAD
Not anymore we don't.
STACY
Listen kid I'm not meaning to sound
rude-
FANGTASTIC
Well I am meaning to be rude now.
Just because I look twenty doesn't
mean I AM twenty. With one
exception, I'm the oldest person in
this room so quit with the kid
references.
ARTURO
Eh?
FANGTASTIC
Nothing.
LIAM
Actually you look more like
seventeen then twenty.
FANGTASTIC
Yeah, I looked a few years younger
then I was when I got bitten.
STACY
Oh, your another werewolf? That's
nice, you and Thad must exchange
ideas about the different types of
werewolf patches you can get on the
market now?
FANGTASTIC
What? Patches? What are you talking
about?
STACY
Well you said you'd got bitten, so
I presumed-
FANGTASTIC
Nobody told you?
STACY
Told me what?
FANGTASTIC
I'm a -
THAD
Lawyer.
LIAM
Salesman.
BIPPO
Fox network executive.
STACY
All three?
ARTURO
[to self]
Blistering idiots.
Fangtastic is looking at Liam, Thad and Bippo who are all
smiling, hoping he's going to follow at least one of their
leads.
FANGTASTIC
Good grief, I drink blood, scare
pimps and drug dealers into going
straight, and sometimes laugh at
the more amusing jokes in that
overrated show Friends, but dear
god… I find THAT offensive.
STACY
Oh, you're a vampire, okay then
that explains why your not casting
a reflection in that mirror behind
you. Or a shadow, and how I've
never seen you outside in the light
of day.
(a beat)
Anyhow there's the other issue of
what happened to those Jehovah's
witnesses last week who came here
to induct people in their church.
Some ran screaming from Chocolate
Treats room…
LIAM
Yeah, I had to turn my TV up to
drown out the screams.
STACY
Some of them never came back after
visiting Thad's room
THAD
Yeah, I had my werewolf patch off
and they wouldn't leave me alone.
STACY
Oh no. Thad, you didn't did you?
BIPPO
HEY! Hang on now. I was told to
leave them alone the last time I
invited them in and showed them my
knife collection.
Stacy sighs to herself as this outbreak makes Bippo lose
control of his eggs which now splat on the table in front of
him.
STACY
There's a letter here threatening
legal action. Anyone know about
that?
ARTURO
I told them to get a lawyer the
last time they were here and made
some complaints to me.
THAD
The first time they came here when
I moved in, they just nodded and
smiled when I told them my
observations about the various
types of religions and-
LIAM
[cutting in quickly before Thad
starts waffling on]
Wait, wait, hold on. Stacy you just accept that we have a
vampire sitting in here, despite all the trouble with Dracula
last time?
STACY
Well, we have a werewolf don't we,
despite all the trouble the very
same wolf caused to certain
hookers?
LIAM
Good point.
FANGTASTIC
Ah, a wolf after my own heart
regarding hookers.
THAD
Thanks, I think.
FANGTASTIC
Just don't try humping my leg.
INT. UPPA DA CREEK APARTMENTS - A CORRIDOR. Stacy and
Fangtastic are walking down to her room.
STACY
So let me see if I've got this
right, you killed those Jehova's
witnesses and drank their blood?
Why?
FANGTASTIC
Doing my bit to help the community,
make the world a better place.
Sides, I was hungry. Got to eat, er
drink you know.
STACY
Okay, but what happened to the
bodies? You don't eat them do you?
FANGTASTIC
Only the bits I tear off as I bite
their necks. Tastes like chicken,
don'tchya know.
STACY
[shudders]
But you don't eat all the bodies?
FANGTASTIC
No, I don't eat any of the bodies
really. Only bite a little off to
get to the vein. After that I
dispose of the body. I despise
cannibalism.
STACY
So how do you dispose of them?
FANGTASTIC
Why'd do you think you're not
getting such a high bill for the
heating?
STACY
The furnace in the boiler room?
Your kidding?
FANGTASTIC
Heck no, in fact I often meet Bippo
there and have a friendly chat as
we dispose of things. Quite a nice
guy once you get to know him.
Hey, where you going so fast? You
could at least invite me in for a
bite.
Stacy runs into her room and slams the door shut behind her.
Fangtastic shrugs and wanders off to a staircase. DEATH is
standing in a doorway in the hall behind him, watching him.
As soon as Fangtastic is out of sight, Death pulls out
Fangtastic's life timer and stares at it. It is still moving
very slowly. Death's eyes glow.
DEATH
VERY STRANGE.
EXT. UPPA DA CREEK APARTMENTS - ARTURO AND LIAM ARE LEAVING
THE BUILDING TO GO OUT FOR LUNCH. THEY TAKE A SHORT CUT
THROUGH AN ALLEY FILLED WITH TRASH BINS.
LIAM
It's very nice of you to take me
out for lunch, professor.
ARTURO
Think nothing of it my boy. It's
the least I can do after all you
and your friends here have done for
me.
LIAM
So did you ever find the other
timer Scrappy Doo gave us?
ARTURO
No, I'm thinking that I must have
dropped it in the vortex. It's
mostly likely lost. What is that
smell?
LIAM
The garbage? Either that or the
drains have been clogged up again.
ARTURO
No Liam, that's not a smell you
associate with over stuffed rubbish
bins or bad drainage. Yes, that's
the smell of…
Arturo is now rummaging through a few boxes only to find the
seriously mutilated corpses of the passer bys from last
night.
LIAM
My god. What could have done that?
ARTURO
Well my boy, judging by the damage
to these bodies, and by that I mean
severe mutilation generally
executed by larger members of the
cat family in Africa. Or someone
with a chainsaw at a cult
conventions of the more hardcore
members of the Texas Chainsaw
Massacre films fan club- bring your
own chainsaw. I'd say something
rather large like a lion had torn
these poor people into shreds,
using a chainsaw, then got
disturbed and left them here.
LIAM
Man, not a nice way to die.
ARTURO
[holding up Passer-by #2 severed
head]
Well it's generally believed that decapitation is a quick and
painless death, but no one knows for sure.
LIAM
Why is that professor?
ARTURO
[casually chucks the head away]
Because no one has ever managed to experience that kind of
situation and live to tell the tale. And this poor sod over
here and there isn't going to be able to tell us either. We'd
better warn everyone in the block about this.
INT. UPPA DA CREEK APARTMENTS - THE OFFICE AGAIN.
Everyone from before is in the room, all looking board. Thad,
Bippo and Fangtastic are all sitting side by side and
wondering why Arturo asked them to sit like that. Arturo
takes the floor.
ARTURO
All right now calm down now. We
can't find the others, except Elvis
whose off marrying some drunken gay
couple again, and Chocolate Treat
who was having … her… legs waxed
and couldn't afford to rearrange …
her appointment.
Everyone shudders at this thought, including Fangtastic.
FANGTASTIC
I remember that time that… she? It
is a she right? Okay, well she hit
on me. Ewe, I thought I was going
to combust right there.
LIAM
I know the feeling. Sometimes I
feel uncomfortable with my
underwear.
BIPPO
Try changing your underwear more
often then.
FANGTASTIC
I'm not talking about that kind of
combustion.
THAD
So what happened to call this
meeting up?
ARTURO
It's quite simple Mr Coffey. Just
half an hour ago, Mr Smith and
myself found several corpses in the
alleyway behind our apartment
block.
No one reacts with much shock.
ARTURO
These bodies were fresh, less a day
old from their mutilations. So we
need to trace our movements last
night before we inform the police.
LIAM
Professor that's not really
necessary, you see these kinda
things have a way of sorting
themselves out around here.
BIPPO
There were corpses less then a day
old, right behind our block, and I
didn't know about them?
FANGTASTIC
Yes, it is worrying isn't it? But
let the man finish please.
BIPPO
So what kinda damage are we talking
about here?
ARTURO
Severely mutilated bodies, looking
like they'd been attacked by
something resembling a large cat
judging from the slashing damage.
Or failing that, possibly a wolf.
Thad's ears pick up, the suspicion is on him.
THAD
Oh come on. Me? There wasn't even a
full moon last night and I had my
patch on anyhow.
ARTURO
There was also damage enough to
suggest that someone very strong
had played a part in this. Someone
with super human strength perhaps?
FANGTASTIC
Oh imply I had something to do with
this now? As it happens I was busy
watching TV last night.
STACY
All night?
FANGTASTIC
All night, yes. I am after all a
creature of the night.
LIAM
Was it the Kari Wuher porn-a-thorn?
FANGTASTIC
No, it was another re run of that
VH1 tribute to Elton John.
ARTURO
There was also damage to suggest
that a chainsaw had been in use.
BIPPO
I know what your going to say, but
don't look at me, the one I had
last time was a rental. I don't
actually own one.
FANGTASIC
Waitaminute, your telling me that
there was three different types of
damage caused to the bodies? Super
strength, tearing and chainsaw
damage? Which just happens to be
the trademarks of three different
people here?
BIPPO
But I don't OWN a chainsaw.
LIAM
Yes, do you know something about
this? Have you in your long life
seen or heard of something similar
to this?
FANGTASTIC
Never heard of anything like this
in my life.
LIAM
OH SH-[BLEEP]-T!
STACY
I have.
EVERYONE ELSE
WHAT?!?!
STACY
Mr Hilter had something in his
books about it once that he showed
me. He was trying to get me
interested in it, but the whole
idea at the time seemed ridiculous.
THAD
Mr Hilter's books on the occult? Of
course, they may have the answer.
LIAM
Or failing that, a clue to help us.
Professor, do you still have Mr
Hilter's books?
ARTURO
My dear boy, I haven't finished
putting his things in storage. I
don't think I even bothered to read
through the titles in his bookcase,
yet.
INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT.
The whole gang is there, reading through books. Fangtastic
snaps the book he was reading shut in disgust.
FANGTASTIC
HA! LIES!
STACY
I'm sorry?
FANGTASTIC
This book, this book had an entire
section in it's vampire entries
dedicated to one case where twelve
bodies were unearthed in Israel.
The bodies had been buried for five
years, and had no signs of
decomposing. They assumed after a
few tests they were vampires and
staked their chests, decapitated
the heads and burnt the bodies to a
cinder.
LIAM
Does it upset you reading about
what happens to other vampires?
FANGTASTIC
No, it just annoys me when people
don't see all the facts and presume
their right. Kinda like with
idiotic Star Trek fans who just
follow the fist nit pick that a
little thought and actual use of
brainpower can soon solve in a
matter of five seconds.
LIAM
You've lost me.
FANGTASTIC
Why am I not surprised? Okay, here
it is. They staked the hearts,
chopped off the heads and burnt the
bodies.
They did this to all the bodies.
They only needed to do one of those
to destroy one body. That and it
was done at the gravesite in the
middle of the afternoon on a very
hot day.
LIAM
I still don't get it. What does
that have to do with Trekkies?
FANGTASTIC
It was a bright sunny day, and- Oh
forget it Liam, forget it.
ARTURO
I don't suppose anyone has anything
useful?
BIPPO
What the heck's an Incubus?
FANGTASTIC
Demonic sex slave. They'll carry
out your every sexual whim.
BIPPO
Woah, I like that.
[starts to rip out the page]
FANGTASTIC
And then the next night, they take
on male form, and visit a woman and
use your seed to impregnate her.
THAD
So, they sleep around eh?
STACY
Sometimes I thought Gary was like a
demon in bed.
LIAM
I don't need that image in my head.
FANGTASTIC
Yeah well the main problem with an
Incubus is their supposed to be so
good in bed the person they sleep
with can never be satisfied with
anyone else ever again.
Stacy sighs in an absent minded way.
LIAM
I really needed that fact getting
in my way.
FANGTASTIC
It's also thought that their
impregnation of a woman that way,
will lead to the birth of the anti
Chri-
THAD
I think I found something here
guys.
ARTURO
A clue?
STACY
A hint?
THAD
Nope, two years of playboy dated
1986-88.
BIPPO
(takes them off Thad)
I wondered where they'd gotten to.
THAD
And under those, a rather strange
magazine entitled "Watchers world."
It's all about things to do with
the occult, vampires, demons,
immortals and even politicians.
Thad reads through it while the others keep looking through
the bookcases and books that line the place. Fangtastic sees
a couple of more books on vampires and takes them away into
his pockets. Thad gets everyone's attention again.
THAD
Okay people, I've looked through
this magazine. Turned out Mr Hilter
must have been a member of
something called the watcher
council or something like that. It
mentions something like the attacks
we've seen, and it mentions that it
tends to happen once every four
years, but there's no idea as to
what does it.
LIAM
None at all?
THAD
Well it thinks it's got something
to do with some flesh eating
zombies, but their not sure about
that. What they are sure is that
some hero will come to save us all.
Everything else seems to be in some
strange pictogram language.
BPIPO
Do you think they mean Capeman?
THAD
No a woman judging by the large
round things on the figures chest
here in the pictograms.
The men crowd round the magazine to get a good look.
LIAM
Not Chocolate Treat? Please not
her.
THAD
It doesn't say who it is, but
there's a few scribbled notes here
about it, but I can't make them out
because of the childish writing.
Something about one of the tenants
here, and there's a staple mark and
a bit more paper.
LIAM
More notes?
ARTURO
No, this is part of a photo, looks
like it's part of a girl, but I
can't tell who.
LIAM
Hmm, wonder who it could be?
BIPPO
Where's Stacy?
FANGTASTIC
She grabbed a crate load of very
gothic looking weapons and high
tailed it outta here when you
mentioned the zombies. I'd have
said something earlier, but you
looked like you were having so much
fun.
INT. CORRIDOR - Stacy is running down it with a huge Samurai
sword in her hand. Liam, Bippo and Thad charge through the
doorway at the same time and get stuck. Arturo bumps into
them, knocking them onto the floor and falling on top of
them, muffling their screams of pain. Fangtastic comes out
wearing a big leather jacket covering his entire body and
winces at the sight before him.
FANGTASTIC
The cheap gags are the worst,
aren't they?
EXT. UPADA CREEK APARTMENTS - Stacy runs out the building
scaring a couple of passer-by with her weapon before
disappearing round a corner. Bippo makes it out next, scaring
the passer-by even more. Bippo rounds the corner where Stacy
is now looking over the spot where the bodies were found.
There's another scream, and then another. Arturo, Thad, Liam
and Fangtastic wearing a cloak that covers him entirely round
the corner. Arturo and Fangtastic look peeved.
ARTURO
I've never felt so insulted in my
life.
FANGTASTIC
Oh come on, they were only fans of
Pavaroti, at least they didn't
think you were Michael Jackson. I
mean I'm not even black.
BIPPO
Neither is he. Well not anymore.
Well he doesn't look black anymore,
does he?
THAD
He doesn't look like he's in his
forties either, but then again look
at how many nose jobs he's had.
LIAM
Yeah, with that pastry white skin
and dark hair you could pass for
him. You should try getting a tan.
FANGTASTIC
Liam, I'm a vampire.
LIAM
Doesn't mean you can't get a tan.
Everyone reacts with disbelief at Liam's stupidity.
FANGTASTIC
Well they didn't have to hold up
holy crosses at me. That's it, I'm
going home to my tomb.
LIAM
I thought it was someone else's
tomb and you were just squatting in
it?
Fangtastic leaves, and the rest of the gang examines the
bodies.
THAD
You'd have thought someone would
have taken them away by now?
ARTURO
We haven't called the police yet.
We need to examine them first to
see if we can tell what happened to
them.
STACY
I have seen this damage before, in
my dreams. It's strange, very
strange.
ARTURO
Hmm, there is some sign that the
bodies were already mutilated
earlier before the damage that
killed them was done.
THAD
There's bite marks on their necks,
guys.
STACY
I knew it, that no good vampire is
responsible for this. No wonder he
left so quick. Lets get him.
FADE OUT
--------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Got milk?
- Got coke?
- Got beer?
--------------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN
INT. THE TOMB OF LIBERACHE - Fangtastic has set up home and
is busy watching TV, Federal Championship Wrestling.
T.V. VOICE#1
Coming up next, more footage of the
Stone taking on The Large Man and
later that night, The Stone took on
the Boo Radleys, could there be a
pair of scissors in his future?
More news on the recovery of Red
Hot Steve Boston from his ingrown
toenail, and we peak into the life
of everyone's favourite masked
giant, Tame.
FANGTASTIC
Pro wrestling is getting worse.
T.V. VOICE#2
OH! A TABLE SHOT! My god, somebody
get help up here.
FANGTASTIC
(holding his head in his
hand and muting the TV
with the remote in his
other)
That blood doesn't even look real
now, give it five minutes and it'll
look like a French pastry crust
already. Oh come on, if you kick
someone in their ribs like that,
their not going to be able to punch
back.
Oh please, he gets thrown out of
the ring, lands on his back, then
he gets back in and beats up
everyone else in the ring? I don't
THINK so.
T.V VOICE#3
So, how did the Boston Brawler take
the news that he needed an enema?
T.V VOICE#4
He said the doctors could stick it
up his -
There's a loud deafening bang at his door.
FANGTASTIC
Sounds almost like a lynch mob.
Fangtastic opens his door to see Stacy, Arturo, Liam, Thad
and Bippo armed with burning torches and various farming
implements waving in the air.
FANGTASTIC
Oh, it IS a lynch mob. How nice,
haven't seen one of these since the
nineteen twenties. So what's up?
How'd you get all that farm stuff
in a city like this?
STACY
We've looked at the bodies, and
decided that it can only have been
one thing that did that kind of
damage. A Vampire.
FANGTASTIC
Really? Well good luck finding one
in this day and age, it's about as
likely as Hollywood telling the
truth about who broke the Enigma
code. Professor, would you mind
getting your foot out of my door?
ARTURO
We've already found the culprit.
FANGTASTIC
What? ME?
ARTURO
You Mr Fangtastic are coming with
us.
Fangtastic still has the remote to the tv in his hand, he
pumps up the volume.
T.V. VOICE#2
The Large Man has plonked his big,
fat butt right on the face of the
owner of the FCW.
BIPPO
FCW! Oh gotta watch.
LIAM
Me too.
Liam and Bippo push past from the back, knocking Thad and
Stacy over and making Arturo wobble. Fangtastic grabs his
cloak, dives past the remaining startled crowd, knocks Arturo
over onto Thad and runs out into the cemetery.
ARTURO
My dear boy, are you alright?
THAD
I think my arm is broken.
STACY
He's running, that proves he's
guilty.
ARTURO
It also proves he could set a new
record for the hundred meters
sprint.
THAD
And it proves my bones aren't as
tough as I'd of thought they were.
BIPPO
I can't believe it. The Radleys put
The Stone through a BED.
LIAM
I don't care if anyone says this
stuff is fake, that's GOTTA hurt.
THAD
You wanna know about pain? Trying
having a broken arm.
ARTURO
Dear god, Pro Wrestling. It gets
worse with each world I visit.
INSERT SHOT. The gang chasing Fangtastic through the
graveyard, until he manages to lose them in the streets of
Las Vagas, only to be found again. Somehow they find
themselves in the apartment and chase him up stairways, more
corridor, through a room, down a staircase, up another one.
Fangtastic runs onto the roof, jumps down the side of the
building and lands near the bodies.
FANGTASTIC
I have GOT to get some sun block
sometime.
He looks at the bodies and then remembers something about
them that looks familiar.
INT. ARTUO'S APARTMENT - Fangtastic kicks the door down and
runs to a bookcase, flips through a few books, then picks out
one and opens it, looking through it for something. At that
moment the gang catches up with him, huffing and panting.
THAD
How come your not even out of
breath?
FANGTASTIC
I have a remarkable constitution.
How's the arm?
THAD
Hurting like hell, thanks for
asking, unlike some other people I
could mention.
STACY
That isn't going to help you much
with what we've got in mind for you
though Vampire. Bippo the petrol
bomb please.
FANGTASTIC
Oh stop overreacting will you?
Here, as it is, I've found out what
did the real damage.
STACY
We've seen the damage, the bite
marks on the necks. That's a
vampire's MO for feeding. Doing all
that damage threw us off of course.
FANGTASTIC
But I told you earlier that I don't
eat meat, human or otherwise. I
live on a liquid diet.
STACY
What about the Jehova's-
FANGTASTIC
That was a joke.
BIPPO
So what have we been burning
together?
FANGTASTIC
He heh. Wouldn't YOU like to know?
Here's what's really caused the
killings. CANNIBALISTIC
SUPERMODELS!
Everyone gasps in shock. Fangtastic takes a small photo out
of the book he was reading.
FANGTASTIC
And to add a little more shock,
Thad, if you'd care to show us that
book from earlier, I think I found
the photo from it. Thank you. As
you can see, this photo is a
perfect match with what Mr Hilter
had stapled in this magazine.
STACY
But that's a picture of me.
FANGTASTIC
Yes, Stacy it is a picture of you.
You are the hero Mr Hilter was
reading and writing about. I can
read these pictograms here, and
they tell me that you Stacy VaVoom,
are the Supermodel Slayer, and Mr
Hilter was your watcher.
LIAM
I would never have seen that one
coming myself.
STACY
SUPERMODEL SLAYER?
ARTURO
I don't understand this.
Supermodels that are cannibals? I
thought they starved themselves
into their thin states? It's their
whole reason for living.
FANGTASTIC
Think about it. They keep
themselves slim to the point of
starvation, just to look pretty and
wear stupid clothes no one is ever
going to really wear. Eventually
their going to snap, mentally, not
physically Bippo so don't even
think about saying what your going
to say. We must have just had a
whole pack of them loose at once,
all hungry for one thing. Human
meat.
BIPPO
WAHEY!
FANGTASTIC
Not THAT kind of meat. Flesh.
BIPPO
Oh.
THAD
So how are we going to capture
them?
FANGTASTIC
We can't, judging from the type of
damage they've already done, I'd
say they were too far gone. Feral
maybe. We need to kill them all.
We're going to need bait and a trap
during the night, that's when they
come out hunting according to this.
LIAM
But where are we going to find
enough meat to draw them out?
All eyes fall on Arturo.
ARTURO
Oh no…
EXT. THE ALLEYWAY - Arturo is there alone dressed in a large
overcoat. He's not a happy chappy.
ARTURO
Oh the humanity of this situation.
Arturo rubs his hands together in an effort to stay warm. He
waits a minute, then starts pacing.
EXT. A ROOFTOP OVERLOOKING THE ALLEYWAY - Stacy, Bippo, Liam,
Thad and Fangtastic are looking over their bait. Stacy, Thad
and Fangtastic are not happy with the professors performance.
FANGTASTIC
I feel like I'm stating the obvious
here, but acting like this he's not
going to attract anyone.
THAD
He's not even going to attract
hookers acting like that.
Stacy and Fangtastic look at Thad. He shrugs and tries to get
out of their line of vision.
STACY
Any ideas on how to help flush them
out?
LIAM
I've an idea
(talks into a handheld
radio)
Professor, you have to attract more
attention to yourself.
INTERCUT BETWEEN PROFESSOR AND LIAM
ARTURO
Blistering idiot, the last time I
tried doing that, a couple accused
me of being a flasher.
LIAM
Well like it or not, your going to
have to do something, otherwise
their never going to show up.
THAD
Why so sure they'll strike here
again?
FANGTASTIC
Cannibals are creatures of habit.
They like to use up all the supply
in their area before moving on.
STACY
Tell the Professor to talk out loud
about his last meal.
FANGTASTIC
Professor, could you talk about
your last meal please?
ARTURO
What? Why do you, a bloodsucker
want to know about my last meal?
It's not as if you eat.
FANGTASTIC
Well it's been a hundred years
since I last ate anything, and
cooking methods have changed
slightly. I'm just curious about
things like the tastes of food
today.
ARTURO
Well, I had a roast mutton as it
happens.
FANGTASTIC
I'm sorry, the batteries are going,
could you speak up a bit?
LIAM
There's nothing wrong wi-
FANGTASTIC kicks Liam in the stomach, sending him flying
backwards, colliding with a bicycle that's up on the roof for
some reason. As Liam lands on the bike his momentum takes
them on a bit more, sending them over some sort of ramp that
sends them flying upwards into the night sky, silhouetting
the full moon, ET style but ultimately causing them to crash
in a heap on the rooftop.
FANGTASTIC
(covering the mouth piece
of the radio)
Oops, sorry. Don't know my own
strength sometimes. Professor,
could you repeat that last bit
please?
ARTURO
Well I had a roast mutton-
Thad points out some movement to Stacy and Fangtastic.
FANGTASTIC
Could you say that louder sir?
ARTURO
(shouting across to the
rooftop)
A ROAST MUTTON! I HAD A ROAST
MUTTON FOR MY DINNER!
There's definitely some movement, right behind Arturo in
fact. The figure grabs hold of him and pulls him backwards
into the shadows. Fangtastic jumps down after them. That is
right down into the street from the rooftop.
BIPPO
Oh that's gotta hurt in the
morning.
STACY
No, he's up and about already.
THAD
That's one heck of a constitution
he's got there.
BIPPO
Man, those people looked thin, and
hungry and yet so attractive.
STACY
Half starved no doubt.
THAD
If we didn't know they were
supermodels, I'd swear they were
wraiths.
BIPPO
Wraiths?
THAD
You know, like ghosts.
STACY
It's getting WAY too supernatural
round here these days.
INT. A WAREHOUSE - Arturo is fighting off the figures that
attacked him. Every time he punches one they go flying away
and splat against a wall, but there's too many for him to
fight. Fangtastic comes in after them and pulls of the
nearest attacking figure.
FANGTASTIC
Kate Moss? Yeow, I saw that hair
care advert you did one time, and
let me tell you something, your not
worth it.
Fangtastic punches Kate Moss in the face and throws her to
one side, breaking every frail bone in her body on impact
with the floor.
FANGTASTIC
I didn't even bother putting all my
strength into that. This could be
easier then I thought.
Fangtastic runs up to where the other figures are busy trying
to hold down a struggling Arturo, without much luck.
Fangtastic manages to pull most of them off him, throwing
them into a pile of broken bodies in the corner, when he
comes to the last of them.
FANGTASTIC
Capprice? I liked those Pizza hut
ads you did back in England, pity
you did them with that tos-[BLEEP!]-
er, Jonathan Ross. But who ever
told you that you could sing?
Fangtastic throws her into the pile of supermodels and helps
Arturo to her feet, just as the rest of the gang get in.
LIAM
Professor, are you okay?
ARTURO
Well, if they hadn't been trying to
eat me I would have found that
quite arousing, being swamped by so
many attractive women. Thank heaven
they didn't have Sophie Dahl with
them.
LIAM
Who?
ARTURO
Have you heard of the British
children's author, Roald Dahl?
She's his granddaughter I believe.
Big girl, hailed as a sensible role
model for the fourteen year old
girls of today.
FANGTASTIC
And fancied only by people with a
thing for "big" girls.
THAD
Does she look like that?
ARTURO
Like what?
THAD
That?
Everyone turns and looks to see a rather pretty but very
large looking Sophie Dahl, looking twice as big as Alicia
Silverstone ever has.
ARTURO
Yes, just like that.
(a beat)
Oh damn.
STACY
Who are the four people behind her?
LIAM
Please don't let it be the Spice
Girls.
THAD
Er no, it's Cindy Crawford, Naomi
Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Elle
McPherson, all armed with various
deadly looking weapons.
LIAM
Oh
(a beat)
We are so dead.
The supermodels charge on the hero's.
FADE OUT
--------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Got a drink?
- Got any change?
- Got a life?
--------------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN - The super models charge into the group, Sophie Dahl
first, easily knocking over Arturo and flinging Bippo away
like a rag doll.
STACY
Somebody do something.
LIAM
I already have.
STACY
What?
LIAM
Wet myself.
THAD
Their gonna charge again.
LIAM
Thad, take off your patch now,
maybe we can use the power of the
werewolf here.
Too late though, the second charge knocks Thad and Liam to
the ground out cold. Stacy turns to Fangtastic while Bippo
staggers to his feet.
STACY
Do something.
FANGTASTIC
Like what? You're the slayer.
STACY
I can't fight these people.
BIPPO
Hey, Naomi, have your nipples
always looked like they do on that
porn web site I saw your photo on?
ARTURO
Bippo you idiot, Naomi Campbell is
a renown psychopath. She beats up
her own secretaries for crying out
loud.
BIPPO
I figured there was a reason she
was chasing me around the room,
foaming at the mouth with that
insane look in her eyes and her
arms spinning round like an out of
control windmill.
ARTURO
Run man, run like the wind.
Bippo runs out into the street and just misses being run over
by a car. He hears a squelching sound and the screech of
brakes and looks back to see Naomi Campbell's broken corpse
dangling over the windscreen of another passing car that is
speeding up to get away from the scene. Only to crash into a
fire hydrant, sending her broken body flying into a
restaurant window that smashes on impact.
BIPPO
Well, there's another one for the
boiler room.
INT. RESTAURANT - British slap stick comedians, Vic Reeves
and Bob Mortimer are busy settling down for a spot of lunch.
Vic has his lucky sixteen feet long carpet next to him, and
looks disappointed. The corpse of Naomi Campbell crashes onto
their table.
VIC
Bob, did you order the supermodel?
BOB
No, Vic I thought you did.
VIC
No, I order a prostitute, there's a
slim difference between the two.
VIC AND BOB
(to camera)
But not much.
BOB
It's a pity we couldn't get the
audience to understand the humour
in the idea of someone carrying a
rolled up sixteen foot long carpet
as a lucky charm.
VIC
Yes, I guess out sense of humour is
just too advanced for the
Americans. Sort of like the idea of
historically accurate World War Two
submarine movies about breaking the
Nazis Enigma code.
BOB
Yeah, it's a pity our remake of
Randal and Hopkirk,
VIC
Deceased.
BOB
Oh yes, mustn't forget that last
bit.
VIC
Oh no indeed.
BOB
Indeed not. But it's a shame the
Beeb cancelled after only one
season.
VIC
It's a shame we've got no acting
talents.
BOB
True. But that was really our
debut.
VIC
Of course, we didn't exactly stay
true to the characters, did we?
BOB
Yeah. At least with that deal with
Satan we now get to have at least
one more go at out remake. I guess
we should stick to what we do best
though.
Vic and Bob nod and smile at each other and bring out massive
frying pans from under their table and begin to hit each
other in the face with them, over and over again. Smiling as
they do so.
CUT BACK TO -
THE WAREHOUSE
Arturo is barely able to fend off the advancing mountain that
is Sophie Dahl. Fangtastic is busy evading blows by the
combined efforts of Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer and Elle
McPherson who are teamed up and trying to stake him with
various pieces of debris they can find around the place. Liam
is getting to his feet, but is very groggy.
FANGTASTIC
Stacy, it's all up to you.
STACY
What can I do?
LIAM
USE THE FORCE!
STACY
Your delirious Liam.
FANGTASTIC
No, he's right, kinda. You have to
use the force, the force of your
fist.
STACY
(looking at her fist)
What, like this?
Stacy punches McPherson in her face so hard that her nose
splatters all over the place.
FANGTASTIC
That's the idea. Now try again with
a weapon.
Stacy picks up the samurai sword from before and swings it at
Schiffer, slicing an arm off. Stacy runs her through the
chest with it.
FANGTASTIC
GOOD! Now try again with this one.
Fangtastic pushes Crawford over to Stacy who trys to slice
her head off. But Crawford ducks and kicks the sword out of
Stacy's hands and then kicks her in the face. Stacy steadies
herself, then manages to block a succession of kicks and
blows and then counters by punching Crawford in the mouth.
The girls break off and go at it again, and again, coming in
with high kicks, twirling kicks, jumping kicks, neither
managing to get an advantage. It comes to close range punches
and cat scratching, No one is gaining any ground. Fangtastic
is looking bored now.
FANGTASTIC
Seen one cat fight, you've seen
them all. And when you've lived for
over a hundred years, seeing the
same things gets pretty boring.
Crawford suddenly gets a second wind and gets a good headbutt
in, sending Stacy to the floor.
FANGTASTIC
Oh crap, bye, bye slayer.
Crawford is getting her breath back, standing over the now
limp frame of Stacy. Liam staggers into Crawford, knocking
her over and sending her staggering off towards a broken
pipe. The camera cuts to Fangtastic as we hear a squelching
noise and a scream, and Fangtastic looks like he's trying not
to hurl. Stacy gets back to her feet.
STACY
Ouch, that HAD to hurt.
ARTURO
I could do with some help here.
Arturo is still battling with the slobbering iceberg that is
Sophie Dahl, and she's winning.
FANGTASTIC
I think we can leave this in your
capable hands, Stacy.
STACY
Indeed you can.
Stacy makes her way over towards where Arturo is fighting
while the camera follows Fangtastic as he picks up Liam and
Thad from where they fell. As he makes his way out of the
building, all we can hear is some slashing noises and
Sophie's blood curdling screams. Bippo runs upto Fangtastic
and they look at each other, at the bodies and nod.
BIPPO and FANGTASTIC
Furnace.
INT. THE WAREHOUSE - Death survey's the scene of mutilated
corpses and sighs to himself as he pops open his scythe. He
begins checking the life timers.
DEATH
MY JOB JUST GETS HARDER, AND NO ONE
CARES.
One of the life timers has still got sand going in it. Death
looks down in surprise as he hears a growling sound and sees
the bloody remains of Elle McPherson gnawing at his leg.
Death tries to kick her off him.
DEATH
LOOK, GET OFF THAT. THERE'S NO MEET
ON IT. GET OFF. LOOK, JUST BUGGER
OFF.
Death stamps his foot downwards out of shot and we hear a
rather nasty cracking noise.
DEATH
OPPS. OH BUGGER, I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO TAKE LIFE, JUST COLLECT THE
DEAD.
(a beat)
OH WHO THE HELLS GOING TO DOUBT ME?
INT. THE OFFICE - Arturo, Liam and Fangtastic are talking.
ARTURO
Well then. The Cannibal super
models have been put out of their
misery. Thad is recovering nicely
from his arm which wasn't broken
after all and Stacy is wondering
how she can ever do any of that
strange stuff she did before, and
the rest of us are as fine as can
be.
FANGTASTIC
And Stacy has a whole load of super
powers to learn to control and
develop. She'll be super strong all
the time now, she's a chosen one,
no two ways about it. She'll have
the speed and strength needed to
kill even supernatural things.
LIAM
Funny how she never used them on
the Cannibalistic Molemen from
below.
Fangtastic looks confused.
FANGTASTIC
Scuze me?
LIAM
A few months ago, Mr Hilter's
funeral was invaded by Molemen.
Stacy didn't show any signs of
being able to defeat them and they
were cannibals.
Fangtastic face looks blank. He looks at Arturo who shrugs.
ARTURO
Before my time here, I'm only just
getting used to the weirdness here.
Although, Mr Fangtastic, there is
one thing though, that's been
bothering me about what you said
earlier.
FANGTASTIC
Shoot.
ARTURO
Earlier you said you were the
oldest in this room, bar one. Now I
am the oldest of us mere mortals as
far as I know, but I wasn't around
in the nineteen twenties, which you
claim to have been in.
FANGTASTIC
I wasn't talking about you, I was
talking about the stuffed animal
head in this room.
Anyhow. I've read through the rest
of the book Mr Hilter left. Those
books are going to be very helpful
I think in future.
(a beat)
Very useful. Anyho…
(flicks through a book)
Ah… Whoops. I made a mistake. Stacy
isn't a Canbalistic Supermodel
Slayer after all.
ARTURO AND LIAM
She's not?
FANGTASTIC
No, she's not. She is in fact a
Slayer of Psychotic Welsh
celebrities.
Arturo looks very uncomfortable and shifts in his chair. Liam
of course, has never heard of Wales the country and is
looking confused.
ARTURO
You mean to tell me that we've
spent the best part of today going
around preparing Stacy to be
something she never was?
FANGTASTIC
It doesn't really matter in the
long run, a slayer is a slayer.
ARTURO
You… you… you BLISTERING IDIOT!
LIAM
What kinda of celebrities?
FANGTASTIC
The ones that come from Wales. The
Welsh, you know that small country
to the western side of England?
Part of Britain? Renown for being
awkward?
LIAM
I thought that was Ireland? No?
We're not talking Free Wily here,
are we? The great big mammal, swims
in the sea?
FANGTASTIC
No, the country in-between England
and Ireland. Dear god, that joke
back home about Americans and
geography outside their own country
is true after all. Liam, could you
point out Spain on that map please?
ARTURO
(butts in quickly)
Wales is a very small country.
Traditionally associated with
mining for coal.
LIAM
Well, it can't have very many
celebrities, can it?
FANGTASTIC
You'd be surprised. There's quite a
few really. A couple of rock bands,
a few movie stars, a sex god.
LIAM
A sex god?
ARTURO
Tom Jones.
LIAM
He's from there? I thought he was
from… Well I just though he was
from Britain.
FANGTASTIC
Well now you know.
LIAM
So who else is famous from there?
ARTURO
Well there's Catherine Zeta Jones -
and Mr Smith, don't pull the stupid
joke about all Welsh people having
the same surname. I've only started
naming them.
FANGTASTIC
There's Sir Anthony Hopkins, even
if he has immigrated to America
now.
ARTURO
And lost the knighthood as a
result. Then there's the rock
bands. Help me out here Drew, I'm
not really with it when it comes to
today's rock bands.
FANGTASTIC
Well er, the problem is naming
bands Liam will have heard of.
There's the Manic Street Preachers
and Catatonia. You know, the ones
that sang the song about Mulder and
Scully?
LIAM
I think so. Maybe Napster dot com
will help me there. Anymore actors
though?
FANGTASTIC
Now that you mention it, yes. There
is one more that I can think of.
Just can't quite remember the name.
Rather large, bearded. Looks a bit
like Pavorti, he was in the Indian
Jones films. Just can't quite get
my mind on his name. It's on the
tip of my tongue.
As Fangtastic struggles to recall the name of the elusive
Welsh actor, the camera slowly zooms in on a evilly smiling
Arturo before the lights go out.
FANGTASTIC
I'll get it, I will. Just give me a
minute. What happened to the
lights? Professor? Why are you
making that strange noise?
THE END