BLACK
The soft beautiful sounds of Enya filter through the darkness as the picture fades to...

THE OCEAN - NIGHTTIME
The waves softly caress the side of a diving boat.

INT. THE BOAT
Inside a room with computers and video monitors, there is a large group of people
crowded around an old woman.  The camera finds it's way through the crowd as the
old woman speaks.  We do not see the old woman's face yet.  BILL PAXTON is in the
crowd listening to her.

				OLD WOMAN
	It's been 86 years, and I can still smell the fresh paint...
	the beds had never been slept in...  well, they were after
	I got there!  The china had never been used.  The toilets
	had never been defied.  Titanic was called "the ship
	of dreams" and it was... it truly was.  Now, who are you
	people again?

				BILL PAXTON
				[moans]
	For the last time, ma'am, we brought you out here to the
	middle of the North Atlantic to tell us about the first
	and final voyage of the Titanic.  Now, you said
	you were there, right?

The camera finally focuses on the old woman's face and we see now that she is
KARI WUHRER looking about 150 years old.

				KARI WUHRER
	Oh yes... I was there.

On the monitors in the background, we see the wreck of the Titanic.  Painted
in large red letters on the hull are the words "Bippo Was Here".

FADE OUT

----------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG (Sung to the Theme of "My Heart Will Go On")

When I log on to the information superhighway,
there's a lot of crap to surf through...
Take this silly virtual sitcom you're reading,
Why do you bother looking at this poo?

CHORUS

Here... There... Now everywhere...,
Don't you see that this crap will go on.
Up... Down... and all around...,
Don't you see that this crap will...
this crap will go on and on!

OLE!
----------------------------------------------------------------


THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARRING

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

John Rhys Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

GUEST STARRING

Micheal Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

Neal Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"

The Stick
as
"Harry the Handyman"

Jason Donner
as
"Donner"

Leon Lai
as
"Kevin Riley"

John Goodman
as
"Elvis"

RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"

and
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

SPECIAL GUEST STARS

James Earl Jones
as
"GOD"

Bill Paxton

and
Kari Wuhrer
as
"Herself"



EXT. THE TITANIC
The gigantic ship sits berthed as her dock as the rich well-to-do load piles and piles
of luggage onto suspecting and elderly handlers.  In the background, poor immigrants
prepare for their voyage to America.  In the foreground, KARI WUHRER and GARY THE FANBOY
step out of a car.  Both are dressed in period clothing.

SUBTITLE: 1912

				OLD KARI WUHRER
				[voice over]
	I had just gotten engaged to Gary the Fanboy of the 
	Las Vegas Fanboys.  I didn't want to marry him.  You
	know... he didn't quite measure up where it really
	counted if you catch my drift.

GARY and KARI look at the Titanic

				KARI WUHRER
	I don't really see what all of the fuss is about.
	It doesn't look as big as the Big Red Boat and I
	really don't think I'll be meeting Micky or Goofy
	on this cruise.

				GARY
	Come, come my dear.  You're about 85 years too
	early for that and, besides, Titanic is this most
	luxurious ocean liner on the seven seas and the
	second most fun if you count the Monkey Business.

				KARI WUHRER
	Ah, the Monkey Business... now, THAT was a
	good time!

				GARY
	Pardon?

				KARI WUHRER
	Nothing.  Come on.  I've got to change into something
	more comfortable.  I've been holding my breath for over
	four hours and I think my brain cells are dying.

				GARY
	Wouldn't that be kind of like being afraid to suffocate
	a dead gerbil?

Gary and Kari walk up the gangplank to board the Titanic.

INT. A BAR
Through the windows, the Titanic can be seen almost ready to depart.   At a table,
LIAM and BIPPO play poker.  On the table is a large sum of money, subway tokens,
car keys, a few pair of boxers, and a novelty red clown nose.

				BIPPO
	You bet all our money!  We have nyente!

				LIAM
	When you got nothing, you got nothing to loose.

Everyone in the bar stops and looks at Liam.  They all shake their heads and return to their
binge drinking.  Across from them, two gigantic Sweds, OLOV and SVEN sit looking at their 
cards.

				LIAM
	Okay, boys... moments of truth.

				SVEN
	Yah.  Dat it is.  So, ve play de game, now?

				LIAM
	We do.

Sven and Liam glare at each other.  Olav begins dealing the cards one at a time onto
the center of the table.  Both Sven and Liam watch this.  Sweat beads on their 
forehead.  Suddenly, Liam lashes his hand out and slaps the top card.

				LIAM
	SLAPJACK!

Sven and Olav begin cursing in Swedish and throwing tables around.

				LIAM
	Isn't this great, Bippo?  We've won tickets on the Titanic!

				BIPPO
	Yeah, it veddy goot.

				LIAM
	Why are you talking with an Italian accent?

				BIPPO
	I...
				[no accent]
	What?

				LIAM
	Forget that!  We're going to America!

				BARTENDER
	No, mate!  Titanic's going to America in five minute.

Liam and Bippo look at each other and then bolt out the door.

EXT. A CITY STREET
Celtic music plays as Bippo and Liam run out of the bar.  They both mount bicycles
and take off down the street.  They come upon a hill and start moving at breakneck
speed.  Liam sees two men carrying a pane of glass and tries to steer out of the way.
No good.  The two men see Liam coming and start yelling "NO!  NO!  NO!".  Liam barrels
towards the glass but, instead of smashing through it, he hits it as though it was
a brick wall.  Liam slides off the glass and onto the ground into a bruised and quivering
pile.  The two men look at the unscratched glass.

				MAN #1
	Wow.  Good glass.

INT. THE TITANIC
Bippo has Liam over his shoulder as the two enter the boat.

EXT. THE TITANIC
The gigantic ship leaves port and sails out to sea.  A giant bumper sticker is plastered
across the stern that reads "NO FAT CHICKS".

EXT. THE TITANIC BOW
Liam and Bippo stand at the bow.  Liam gets up and waves his arms in the air.

				LIAM
	I'm the king of the wooooooooooooooaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Bippo pushes him over the side.

					BIPPO
				[to camera]
	It had to be done.

FADE TO

THE TITANIC AT SEA - NIGHT
A smaller ship sits along side.

SUBTITLE: STILL 1912

				OLD KARI WUHRER
				[voice over]
	At Sherbor, we took on another passenger.  Her name was
	Chocolate Treat.   History would go on to remember her as
	"The Unsinkable Chocolate Treat"... but I did here that
	she did go down a few times during that trip if you 
	catch my drift.

INT. THE GRAND STAIRCASE
Chocolate Treat walks through in period dress smacking the butts of every man
in sight.  Gary and Kari watch her pass.  Gary looks at Kari and mouths the
word "man".

EXT. THE 3rd CLASS DECK
Liam is sitting there wrapped in a towel and glaring at Bippo.  THAD COFFEY is
standing nearby.

				BIPPO
	Nice ship, huh?  Those English know how to make good
	vessels and it's a good thing, because they sure as
	hell can't cook!

				THAD
	It's a werewolf ship.

				LIAM
	Do what?

				THAD
	14 thousand werewolves built this ship.

				BIPPO
	If you ask me, you're full of ship.  That reminds
	me... you know, the poop deck isn't at all what
	it sounds like.  If you try to poop on it, the
	crew gets all pissed off and try to hit you and
	stuff.

Liam's attention is caught by something.  Thad and Bippo turn to see what he's looking
at and they see Kari Wuhrer sunning herself in a very revealing tube top.

				THAD
	Wow, she sure has a nice pair of...

Bippo holds up a couple of cantelopes.

				BIPPO
	Mellons?

				THAD
	Oh, thank you.

Bippo and Thad share the cantelopes.

				LIAM
	I must meet her.

				THAD
	And them... but come on, paly boy, you're more
	likely to have monkeys fly out of your arse than
	get next to the likes of those yabos.

				BIPPO
	Liam, you had monkeys fly out of your arse?
				[a pause]
	What's an "arse"?

INT. GARY AND KARI'S CABIN
Kari is brushing her hair in front of a mirror when Gary comes up behind her.

				GARY
	I was hoping you'd come to me last night.

				KARI
	Can't we discuss your shortcomings at some other time?

				GARY
	I know you've been meloncolly.  I don't pretend to know
	why.  By the way, do I have a blackhead in my ear?

Gary tries to show her.  Kari looks away in disgust.

				KARI
	Can't it wait?

Gary gets a huge diamond necklace out of his fanny pack.

				GARY
	By the way.  I got you this.  I know it's not much,
	but it...

Kari snatches it away from him and puts it on.  Her head crashes onto the table under
the weight.  She manages to get the diamond off and rises back up cross eyed.

				GARY
	All you have to do is marry me and it will all be yours.

Kari looks at Gary, then at the diamond, then at Gary, back at the diamond, then
at Gary again.  She looks lovingly at the diamond, then at disgust at Gary.

EXT. THE DECK - NIGHT
Kari is running and crying.  The shot slows to slow motion to take advantage of
Kari's humongous bouncing cleavage.

EXT. THE BOW... OR WHATEVER THE BACK OF THE SHIP IS CALLED
Kari reaches the guardrail and looks over at the churning water below.  She climbs
the rail and prepares to jump.  Liam appears behind her.

				LIAM
	Don't do it!  I'm sure you and your breasts have
	a lot to live for!

				KARI
	Leave me alone!  I'll jump!  Don't think I won't
	do it!  I will!

				LIAM
	No you won't.

				KARI
	Don't presume to tell me what I will or will not
	do!  I will!

				LIAM
	You won't.

				KARI
	I will!

				LIAM
	You won't.

				KARI
	I will!

				LIAM
	You won't.

				KARI
	I will!

				LIAM
	You won't.

				KARI
	I will!

				LIAM
	You won't.

				KARI
	I will!


				LIAM
	You will.

				KARI
	I won't!

				LIAM
	You will.

				KARI
	I won't!

				LIAM
	You will.

				KARI
	LOOK!  I say I won't and if I won't, there's nothing
	you can do about it!

Kari climbs over the rail and into Liam's arms.  Halfway through, she realizes that
she was outsmarted.

				KARI
	That was unfair.  You used your brain and stuff, but you
	did save me and my breasts, so I guess I'm grateful.  I'm
	Kari Wuhrer.

				LIAM
				[staring]
	And what are THEIR names?

Gary and ELVIS appear.  Elvis is dressed as the Master of Arms.

				GARY
	Master of Arms, I want this man arrested.

				LIAM
	What?  Why?

				GARY
	Because he's a poor gutter rat, but mostly because he's looking
	at my fiancee's bubies.

				KARI
	Gary!  This man... uh...
				[whispers]
	What's your name?

				LIAM
	Liam.

				KARI
	This is Bob.  He saved my life.

				LIAM
	It's... Liam.

				KARI
	Quiet Bob.

				ELVIS
	Well, in that case, the boy should be congratulated.  Well 
	done Bob.

				LIAM
	Liam!

				KARI
	Bye, Bob.  Thank you.

				LIAM
	It's Liam and, you're welcome.

Kari and Elvis exit.  Gary remains behind.

				GARY
	Stay away from my mellon patch!

				LIAM
	What's your problem, man?  Why are you acting like such
	a tool?

				GARY
	I'm just that kind of guy.  Arrogant, snobbish, and if the
	boat ever started to sink, I'd probably throw old women and
	children out of lifeboats to save my own miserable hide, but
	that is nonsense, isn't it?  After all... GOD HIMSELF COULDN'T
	SINK THIS SHIP!!!

Camera pans up to:

HEAVEN
Among the clouds, a bright warm and white light shines.  This is GOD.

				GOD
	Oh, yeah?

Lighting crashes.

EXT. THE OCEAN
Lighting crashes in the water.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a gigantic iceberg surfaces
and begins to drift purposely away.

MUSIC STING

FADE OUT.

----------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK

An Admiral stands in front of a Titanic-Class cruise ship.

				ADMIRAL
	Here at the White Star Line, we take customer safty
	seriously.  Sure, a lot of people still blame us for
	that unfortunate incident with that ship.  You know
	what I'm talking about, but White Star has changed.
	We now offer more life-rafts, state of the art ice
	detection, and for our less-fortunate 3rd class
	passangers, novelty Animaniacs floaties.

He puts a floatie over his waist.

				ADMIRAL
	So remember, for passage to the land of opportunity,
	no one beats White Star!  First Class tickets only
	$100 dollars!  Seriously, we're better now!  Even
	America On-Line had a minor setback once!  C'mon,
	we want your business!

----------------------------------------------------------

INT. THE DECK OF THE TITANIC
Liam and Kari are walking along the deck.

				OLD KARI WUHRER
				[voice over]
	Over the next few days, I slept with about twenty
	men, women, and various other people of undetermined
	gender and species.  Still, I kept thinking about
	the man who had saved my life.  Bob.  What was it
	about this man I was so fascinated by?  Was it is
	innocence?  His charm?  Or the fact that he had a
	shiny ring that he wore all of the time.  I like
	shiny things.

				LIAM
	...so, after spending time on a whaling ship, I 
	went to the Artic and clubbed some baby seals.  You
	know, they make the funniest sound when you crack
	their skulls.

				KARI WUHRER
	That's fascinating, Bob.

				LIAM
	Liam.

				KARI WUHRER
	Whatever.  Look, I've got to admit, I am a little
	fascinated by you.

				LIAM
	It's my shiny ring, isn't it?

Liam holds up the ring.  Kari Wuhrer is transfixed.

				KARI WUHRER
	OOoooooo, Shiney.

Liam takes the ring away.  Kari Wuhrer snaps out of it.

				KARI WUHRER
	I don't know what it is.  You're so short and dopey
	looking... maybe it's this ship... there's something
	about being transported on a long hard piece of
	machinery that gets me hot.

				LIAM
	Really?

				KARI WUHRER
	Oh, yes!

She takes his hand.

				KARI WUHRER
	Come with me, Bob!

				LIAM
	Liam.

				KARI WUHRER
	Whatever.

Kari Drags Liam through a door.  In the background, we see HARRY THE HANDYMAN sneaking
around.  He watches them go and gets out a walkie talkie.

				HARRY
	Harry to Gary!  Come in, Mister The Fanboy!

				GARY
				[over radio]
	This is Gary.  What is it, Harry?

				HARRY
	I've been spying on your finacee as you asked me
	to sir and it appears she just took a small child
	below deck with her.

				GARY
				[over radio]
	Small child?  That's that Liam Smith bum!  That
	cad is stealing my prospective piece of tail!

				HARRY
	Shall I follow them sir?  Me being your loyal ward
	and all, I think I should...

ELVIS walks up.

				ELVIS
	What are you doing?

				HARRY
	I'm just talking on my walkie talkie.

Elvis takes the walkie talkie and throws it overboard.

				ELVIS
	You... IDIOT!  This is 1912!  The Walkie Talkie won't
	be invented until 1935!  What are you trying to do here?

				HARRY
	I... I...

				ELVIS
	Say you're sorry.

				HARRY
	I'm sorry.

				ELVIS
	And it's not going to happen again, is it?

				HARRY
	No.

				ELVIS
	Okay, now go to your room and think about what you've
	done.

Harry slinks away.

INT. KARI WUHRER'S CABIN
Kari Wuhrer picks up the heavy diamond necklace and brings it to Liam.

				LIAM
	That's the biggest Cubic Zirconium I've ever seen!

				KARI WUHRER
	I want you to draw me like one of your French Girls.

				LIAM
	What French girls?

				KARI WUHRER
	I want you to draw me wearing this.

				LIAM
	Okay.

				KARI WUHRER
	Wearing only this.

Liam nods still looking at the diamond.  Suddenly, what Kari said suddenly hits him and
he looks at her.  We hear one of those "Boing!" sound effects.

INT. KARI WUHRER'S CABIN - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Liam is sitting with a sketchpad jumping up and down in anticipation.  Kari Wuhrer enters
wearing a robe.  She drops the robe and the room is illuminated with two 1000 watt headlights.
Liam grins and drools as the light engulfs the cabin.

				LIAM
	My god, they're full of stars!

WHITE OUT

MONTAGE OF SHOTS

A rocket lifts off.

A Train goes through a tunnel.

A Snake goes into it's burrow.

Old Faithful erupts.

Fireworks explode.

INT. KARI WUHRER'S CABIN
Liam is watching the montage on scenes on a TV.

				LIAM
	Kari, don't you get MTV or anything?  All I'm getting
	is a channel with all of these sexually innuenadic pictures!

				KARI WUHRER
	Later with the TV, Bob.

				LIAM
	Liam.

				KARI WUHRER
	Whatever.  I thought maybe we could have sex now.
	You game?

				LIAM
				[a beat]
	Yes.  Yes I am.

INT. A HALL
Gary the Fanboy and Harry the Handyman march through the hall.

				GARY
	Are you sure she intends to have sex with this Liam
	Smith ruffian?

				HARRY
	Certain of it.  He's the one man on the ship she hasn't
	slept with yet... not counting you, of course.

				GARY
	Or you?

Harry looks nervous.

				HARRY
	Er... right.

Gary and Harry enter Kari's Cabin.

INT. KARI WUHRER'S CABIN
Gary and Harry enter and look around the empty room.

				GARY
	They're not in here!

				HARRY
	But... But, I was certain!  Maybe they went somewhere
	else.

				GARY
	Oh, come on!  This is the most extravagant cabin on
	the entire ship!  Where the hell are they going to
	go and do it?  The back of a car?

INT. CARGO HOLD
The camera finds a 1973 Pinto with it's windows fogged up.  A hand slaps the window
passionately.  Liam Smith and Kari Wuhrer walk up to the car and knock on the window.
DONNER pokes his head out.

				DONNER
	WHAT!?  I'm kinda in the middle of something here!

				LIAM
	Uh, are you going to be long?

Donner gives him a funny look.

				DONNER
	Look, I'll be out in a minute!  Why don't you go play
	pinochle or something?

				LIAM
	But we were going to have sex and this is the only
	car on the ship!

				DONNER
	You were going to have sex?  With who?

Donner sees Kari Wuhrer.

				DONNER
	Oh, hi Kari.

				KARI WUHRER
	Hello, Donnie.

				DONNER
				[to Liam]
	Watch it, man, that chick is a FREAK!

				LIAM
	Donner!  I want to have sex now!  Get out!

				DONNER
	In a minute!  Look, it's not like the ship is going
	to hit an iceberg and sink or anything!

EXT. THE CROW'S NEST
TRIUPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG and KEVIN RILEY are on lookout.

				TRIUMPH
	This is the coldest weather I've ever seen...
				[a pause]
	FOR ME TO...  poop on.

				KEVIN
	Triumph, that didn't make any sense.

				TRIUMPH
	It is so cold, Kevin Riley, that my rapier wit has been
	dulled.  I want to go inside where it is warm and safe
	and where there are ornate Persian rugs to defile.

				KEVIN
	I sort of agree with you on that one, boy, but you and
	I have a duty to watch for obstructions like icebergs and
	other ships.  If we let our attention slip... even for
	a second... we could put the ship in extreme danger--

CRUNCH!!! The Titanic hits an iceberg.  Triumph and Kevin look over the side of the
crow's nest.

				TRIUMPH
	Oh... we are so fired.

INT. THE BRIDGE
Arturo, dressed in a Captain's uniform, enters.

				ARTURO
	What the hell was that dreadful noise?

STACY VaVOOM enters wearing a uniform.

				STACY
	It looks like we've hit an iceberg, sir.  We're taking
	on water and we--

				ARTURO
	Is there a man here who can tell me what's going on?
	I'm not taking the word of some woman.

				STACY
	Hey!

				ARTURO
	Get over it, sister, this is 1912!

Stacy karate kicks Arturo in the gut.

				ARTURO
	So...
				[cough]
	W-What do you think we should do, ma'am?

INT. CARGO HOLD
Liam is pacing back and forth.  Kari Wuhrer is filing her nails.  Donner finally emerges
from the Pinto zipping up his pants.

				DONNER
	Okay, it's all yours.

				LIAM
	Uh, Donner?  Who was in there with you?

				DONNER
	No one.  I was just using it as a suana.  What?  You...?
	You thought I was having sex in there?  C'mon!  This is
	the Titanic!  It's the most luxurious craft ever built
	with the most comfortable beds and YOU think I'm going to
	have sex in the back of a car?  What kind of uncultured
	sicko do you think I am?

Donner leaves.

				LIAM
	Okay!  Let's get down to it!

				KARI WUHRER
	Liam, my feet are wet.

Liam looks down, and for the first time we see that the hold is filled with one
foot of rising water.

				LIAM
	It looks like the ship is sinking.

				KARI WUHRER
	Oh no!  This room will be underwater in less than five 
	minutes!

Liam opens the car door.

				LIAM
	We still have time!

Kari Wuhrer looks at him.

				KARI WUHRER
	That's not something I'd brag about, Bob.

				LIAM
	Liam.

				KARI WUHRER
	Whatever.

Kari Wuhrer leaves.  Liam slumps and follows.

EXT. THE TITANIC - TWO HOURS LATER
The butt-end of the ship sinks underwater.

EXT. A LIFERAFT
Gary the Fanboy, Stacy VaVoom, Chocolate Treat, Kevin Riley, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog,
and several other survivors are crammed into a liferaft.

				KEVIN
	Hey, look!  It's Thad and Bippo!  Man, they look a
	little pekid to me.

				STACY
	That's because they're dead, Kevin.

				KEVIN
	Oh.  Then why does Thad look like he's been stabbed
	to death and why does Bippo look so happy?

				STACY
	Possibly a final act of homicide.  Kind of like you
	not watching for icebergs and killing hundreds of
	people on the ship!

				KEVIN
	No court in the world would convict me!

				CHOCOLATE TREAT
	Well, I can say that, without a doubt, this has been
	the second worse cruise I've ever been on.

				STACY
	You've been on a worse cruise?

				CHOCOLATE TREAT
	Carnival.

Everyone on the boat gasps.  An extra blanket is thrown on her and a few people begin
consoling her.

				GARY
	Poor Harry... giving up his seat on the lifeboat so that
	I could live.

				KEVIN
	Wait a minute... you kicked him out while we were
	being lowered into the water.

				GARY
	Don't correct me, eagle eyes.  Besides, I'm a better
	man because I have more money.  I am a pillar of the
	community!

				TRIUMPH
	FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!

				STACY
	Screw this!   All in favor of giving him a fate
	worse than death say "aye"!

				EVERYONE
	Aye!

				GARY
	Wait a minute!  What's a fate worse than death!

				STACY
	Simple.  When we get back on dry land, Chocolate
	Treat is going to date you!

Gary looks at Chocolate Treat.  She smiles.

				GARY
	NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

EXT. THE OCEAN
Kari Wuhrer and Liam are clinging to floating piece of debris.

				LIAM
	Well, THIS sucks.

				KARI WUHRER
	I'm so cold.  It's a good thing that my implants
	float.

				LIAM
	Kari, I want you to make me a promise.

				KARI WUHRER
	Anything, Bob.

				LIAM
	I want you to promise that you're going to live and
	go on.  I want you to promise that you'll never let
	go, okay?  Never let go!

				KARI WUHRER
	Okay, Bob... I promise I'll never let go.

A cel phone rings.

				KARI WUHRER
	Oh, excuse me.

Kari lets go of Liam's hand and he sinks under the black water.

				KARI WUHRER
				[on phone]
	Hello?
				[pause]
	Oh, hi Tembe!
				[pause]
	Nothing.
				[pause]
	Yah, like totally.
				[pause]
	Well, it was nice... but the boat sank, like, a
	few minutes ago.
				[pause]
	I know... I'm like, totally bummed.
				[pause]
	Look, Tem, I'll call you back.  Yah, it's on
	roam right now.

Kari hangs up.

				KARI WUHRER
	Bob?
				[a pause]
	Bob?
				[long pause]
	Oops.

INT. BILL PAXTON'S BOAT - 2000
150 Year Old Kari Wuhrer sits.  She is wrapping up her story.

				OLD KARI WUHRER
	So the boat sank and we all died... the end.

				BILL PAXTON
	You all died?

				OLD KARI WUHRER
	Yep.  All died.  And after that, I sued the crap
	out of those bastards.  Poor Bob...  I don't even
	remember what he looked like.  All I remember is
	that he desperately wanted to have sex with me.

				BILL PAXTON
	By the way... last night was marvelous.

				OLD KARI WUHRER
	I know.  I broke a hip.

				BILL PAXTON
	Truthfully, though... I don't think I believe you
	when you say you were on the Titanic.  I mean, that
	sounds a little implausible right now.

				OLD KARI WUHRER
	Does it?  Well, come closer.  I have a secret for you.

Bill Paxton comes closer.

				OLD KARI WUHRER
	Closer.

He comes closer.

				OLD KARI WUHRER
	Closer.

He comes closer.

				OLD KARI WUHRER
	CLOSER!!!

Paxton is now inches from Kari Wuhrer's face.

				BILL PAXTON
	What's the secret, Kari?

Kari Wuhrer gets out the big diamond and whacks Bill Paxton in the head with it.
Paxton falls on the ground in convulsions.

				OLD KARI WUHRER
	Never doubt the word of an old lady, bitch!

EXT. PAXTON'S BOAT
Old Kari Wuhrer walks along the deck as Enya plays.  She holds the diamond over the
side and prepares to drop it.

				OLD KARI WUHRER
	This is for you, Bob.

Suddenly, like in the first Friday the 13th movie, a badly decomposed Liam jumps out
of the water, grabs Old Kari Wuhrer, and drags her into the murky water.

CUT TO:

INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam awakens with a start.  Bippo and Thad sit on both sides of him on the couch crying
and eating popcorn.  Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" plays over the TV.

				BIPPO
				[sobbing]
	I never get tired of that movie!  Jack and
	Rose couldn't be together in life, but they
	could in her dreams.

				THAD
				[wailing]
	I thought it was really cool when the boat sank!

Thad and Bippo howl in tears.  Liam covers his head with a pillow.

				LIAM
	Thad, Bippo... shut that damn movie off!

FADE OUT

THE END

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