The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.08: "Citizen Donner"
Written by Jason Donner
INT. DONNER'S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT DONNER is pacing back in forth in front of CAPEMAN (Dressed in his usual gold suit). DONNER Okay, you wanna explain to me what the hell is going on? CAPEMAN I don't follow. DONNER You and the silver suit not charging for your services and all! What are you trying to do? Ruin your reputation and my bankroll? CAPEMAN I don't have any idea what you're talking about. Have you been drinking? DONNER Quite a bit, but that's not the point! CAPEMAN I haven't been flying around in silver spandex! It chafs and gives me that horrible rash! You remember? DONNER Yeah, I had to apply the ointment. Donner shutters at the thought. DONNER So, if YOU'RE not going around and doing heroic deeds for free, then who the hell is? At that moment, CAPEMAN SILVER flies in through the window. CAPEMAN SILVER Yo, Donnie! I'm home. DONNER Oh, hey Capeman. Donner does a double take. DONNER Capeman? CAPEMAN SILVER Yeah? CAPEMAN GOLD Who the hell are YOU? Capeman Gold and Capeman Silver eye each other. DONNER Uh... this may sound like a stupid question, but which of you is the real Capeman? CAPEMAN GOLD & SILVER I am! They look at each other. CAPEMAN GOLD & SILVER You're not Capeman! [a pause] Stop that! [a pause] Stop repeating everything I say! [a pause] I said stop it! [a pause] I mean it, buster! [a pause] Stop it! [a pause] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! [a pause] Badger! [a pause] Eyelash! [a pause] Fatty Fatty too-too beehive! [a pause] DAMMIT! DONNER This is getting too weird for me. Okay, it appears that I'm the only one who can tell the difference between you two twinkies here, so I think... CAPEMAN SILVER Oh, shut up! Who died and made you president? CAPEMAN GOLD Yeah, why don't you go do something else? The Two Capemans walk off arguing. Donner remains behind scratching his chin. DONNER Do something? [a pause] President? A light bulb turns on over Donner's head. DONNER Turn off that damn light! The camera pans over revealing a cleaning lady. She looks around and shuts off the light switch. FADE OUT ---------------------------------------------------------------------- THEME SONG (Sung to the theme of "The National Anthem") Oh say can you see? It's time for the fight. Al Gore and Dubya fighin' for what they thinks right. The mudslinging is mean, Talk of issues is lean, And all I can think, is that they're all insane. It's time to elect a brand new president. So sit back and relax... as we make fun of it! OLÉ! ----------------------------------------------------------------------"THE LIAM SMITH SHOW" Starring Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith" John Rhys Davies as "Arturo" Guest Starring Jason Donner as "Donner" The Stick as "Harry the Handyman" and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Special Guest Stars George W. Bush Al Gore Slobadan Milosovich Barbara Walters and Bill Clinton as "The Lame Duck President" INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT LIAM SMITH is busy cleaning house when there is a knock at the door. He answers it and Donner bursts in. DONNER Liam, my man... I am running for president! LIAM You? DONNER Yeah, me! Liam starts laughing. DONNER What's so ding-dong diddly funny? LIAM Donner, the President of the United States is a position of utmost respect and honor! You once made change from an offering plate. DONNER Look, if Ronald Reagan can look like a respectable and honorable person for eight years, I can too! LIAM You have to be over 35 years old. DONNER I am! [silently] On Mercury. LIAM The elections are in a month! Al Gore, George Bush Jr., and all of those other guys we never hear about have been campaigning for a year! DONNER I do all my best work when I'm under a deadline. LIAM You don't have a running mate. DONNER Eu Contrar, I have the perfect running mate. LIAM Elizabeth Dole? DONNER Yeah, like I'd run with a chick. Donner opens up the door revealing HARRY THE HANDYMAN. HARRY Liam, I'm going to be Vice President! LIAM You!? HARRY That's right, and I'm going to be honest with the American people. I'm not going to wear this topee any longer. Harry rips it off his head. Liam reacts in alarm. LIAM Harry! You don't wear a topee! HARRY I will from now on. INT. DONNER'S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT Capeman Gold and Capeman Silver are standing side-by-side. DECOY V stands nearby scratching his young head. CAPEMAN GOLD ...and so you see our predicament, young Decoy. We've been arguing for hours about which of us is the real Capeman. So long, in fact, that now we've forgotten which one of us IS the real Capeman. CAPEMAN SILVER This is true. DECOY V Yeah, so what do you want with me? CAPEMAN SILVER You've known us longer than anyone, faithful Decoy. DECOY V Yeah, for like a week. CAPEMAN GOLD You'll know which of us is the real Capeman. DECOY V Look, if I guess wrong... will it affect my pay in anyway? CAPEMAN SILVER CAPEMAN GOLD No. Yes. DECOY You know, this kinda reminds me of the time that Superman was split into two people... Superman Blue and Superman Red. CAPEMAN SILVER THIS IS COMPLETLY DIFFERENT!!! There is a knock at the door. Decoy V goes to answer and DECOY VI walks in. DECOY VI Hi, I'm your new Decoy! DECOY V What? Who the hell are you? Capeman Gold and Capeman Silver push Decoy VI out the door. CAPEMAN SILVER You're early. CAPEMAN GOLD Yeah, come back in a couple of hours. They push Decoy VI outside and slam the door. DECOY V What the hell was THAT all about? CAPEMAN GOLD Nothing! CAPEMAN SILVER Nothing at all! A red phone on a nearby desk begins blinking and ringing. DECOY V ...the hell is that? CAPEMAN SILVER & GOLD The top secret direct line from the White House! CAPEMAN SILVER Something is amiss! CAPEMAN GOLD Either that or something is wrong! Capeman Gold and Silver races to the phone. Both of them pick up the receiver at the same time and, after a brief wrestling match, Capeman Gold answers. CAPEMAN GOLD This is Capeman! When evil's a knockin', I coming a sockin'! INTERCUT WITH: THE WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE BILL CLINTON is sitting at his desk. CLINTON Capeman, this is the president of the United States. CAPEMAN GOLD Oh, hey Hillary. CLINTON Bill. CAPEMAN GOLD Whatever. What can we help you with, Mister President? Need another blue dress vaporized? CLINTON Later maybe. I'm calling to tell you that Al Gore and George W. Bush have been kidnapped by Slobadan Milosovich. CAPEMAN GOLD Slobadan Milosovich? That's terrible! [a beat] What do you want us to do about it? CLINTON Retrieve them from Yugoslavia muy pronto. This country can't stand to have a third party candidate like Buchanan or Nader elected. It would collapse the two party system and send the United States into anarchy! Can you imagine what it would be like if the two party system were to disappear? Capeman Gold smiles at the thought. CLINTON Are you listening to me? CAPEMAN GOLD Er... right. Two party system. Right. We'll get right on it, Mr. President! CLINTON What do you mean "we"? Capeman Gold hangs up. CAPEMAN GOLD Capeman Silver! Decoy! Come hither! Capeman Silver and Decoy hop up nest to Capeman Gold. CAPEMAN SILVER What is it? DECOY V Some kind of trouble? CAPEMAN GOLD Slobadan Milosovich has kidnapped Al Gore and George W. Bush. Do you know what this means? DECOY V It means that the Democrats and the Republicans may have to re nominate someone! God, I hope they nominate someone halfway capable this time. After all, Gore plus Bush equals Bore. CAPEMAN SILVER We must save them from that power hungry maniac! CAPEMAN GOLD Agreed. We can do it together! CAPEMAN SILVER Together? A minute ago we almost came to blows. CAPEMAN GOLD Yes, I know... but this is a greater cause! CAPEMAN SILVER Yes! We must stand united! CAPEMAN GOLD And think of the millions we'll make doing this! CAPEMAN SILVER No! We charge nothing! This is a service to our country! CAPEMAN GOLD Now you look here! Decoy steps between them. DECOY V Yo, fellas. You think we can do this later? CAPEMAN SILVER You're right, faithful and expendible Decoy. CAPEMAN GOLD Yes. Now we must save the presidential candidates! CAPEMAN SILVER TO YUGOSLAVIA! CAPEMAN GOLD TO YUGOSLAVIA! The two Capemans fly out the window shattering the glass. DECOY V Morons. A MAP As in the Indiana Jones movies, we see a map of the world. Two lines begin to cross the map starting at Las Vegas, Nevada. They cross the United States (making a brief stop at Disneyworld. They cross the Atlantic, then Europe, then Africa, then Antarctica. Suddenly and quickly, the two lines veer back to Las Vegas. INT. DONNER'S PENTHOUSE Decoy is packing a suitcase. Capeman Gold and Silver fly in through a skylight shattering the glass. CAPEMAN GOLD Uh, Decoy...? DECOY V Yeah? CAPEMAN SILVER Where's Yugoslavia? Decoy sighs. FADE OUT. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK - Vote for me! - No, vote for me! - Don't listen to them! Try Right Guard! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT PROFESSOR ARTURO enters with a sack full of groceries. He sees his apartment is a mess and grunts in anger. ARTURO TRIUMPH!!! TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG appears. TRIUMPH Yah, what is it fuzz face? ARTURO This apartment is a complete and utter disaster area. I demand that it be cleaned at once. TRIUMPH Then quit demanding and do it already! Sheesh! ARTURO I didn't make this mess! Do you honestly think that I would litter the floor with milkbone boxes and copies of Playdog and Fiesty Bitch magazine? Besides, I don't have time. Liam has asked that I come to his apartment as soon as possible. He said it was urgent and, dammit, if he wants me to check under his bed for monsters again... he is going to die by my hands. TRIUMPH Your awfully uptight. ARTURO I should be! These apartments are a nightmare to run AND I share my domicile with a talking mongrel! TRIUMPH Funny, that's how I explain you to all of MY friends! ARTURO Enough of this bickering! Clean up this apartment and vacuum my 18th century rug too! It's got Kibbles and Bits all over it! It's a valuable antique and should be treated as such. Arturo leaves. Triumph looks at the rug. TRIUMPH It is a lovely rug. [a pause] FOR ME TO POOP ON!!! Triumph squats on the rug. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Arturo enters. Liam, Harry, and Donner are already there. ARTURO What's all this then? LIAM Professor Arturo, this is Donner. ARTURO Like the reindeer? DONNER Not much. I'd rather have veal. LIAM Donner is running for president. ARTURO You don't say? DONNER I didn't. Liam did. ARTURO What? DONNER Huh? ARTURO W-What? DONNER Huh? HARRY I'm his running mate. ARTURO You? You've never been to college or law school! You're grossly under qualified! DONNER That's just it, professor! Harry is the everyday man in the country! The bumkins will eat it up! ARTURO Surely you don't expect the citizens of the United States to vote for you! DONNER I do, and don't call me Shirley. Drum riff. Buh-dum-dum! LIAM Bippo! Get those drums out of here! The camera zoom over to reveal BIPPO THE CLOWN with a drum set. Bippo picks up his drums, gives Liam the finger, and stomps out the door. DONNER Professor, my winning the election is a sure thing! ARTURO And why is that? DONNER Let's just say that I have a business acquaintance who owed me a favor and he took care of a couple of things for me. Liam thinks about that for a second. LIAM Donner! You're saying that you got Slobadan Milosovich to kidnap Al Gore and George W. Bush assuring that YOU would win the election!? Donner stares at Liam. DONNER How the hell did you...? LIAM That's unethical! That's under handed! You lied! You cheated! You broke the law! You... DONNER ...acted like a president? LIAM [a beat] Okay, you got me there. Donner check his watch. DONNER Well, gotta jet! The debates are about to start. [snaps fingers] Come, Harry! Harry and Donner march out the front door. ARTURO Are you thinking what I'm thinking? LIAM Time to check real estate in Canada? ARTURO Bingo. EXT. YUGOSLAVIA Capeman Gold and Silver fly into frame at a blistering rate of speed. CAPEMAN GOLD Ha! Las Vegas to Belgrade in less than two minutes! CAPEMAN SILVER Yeah... too bad about Decoy, though. CAPEMAN GOLD How was I supposed to know he was going to burst into flames and vaporize when we hit Mach 20? A man walks by. CAPEMAN SILVER Excuse me, young man. Do you know where we can find Slobadan Milosovich? MAN I'm sorry. I can't tell you. To be honest, I just don't remember. CAPEMAN SILVER Really? Well, maybe this will jog your memory. Capeman Silver hands the man a twenty dollar bill. MAN Gee, I don't know. My mind is a little cloudy. Capeman Silver hands him another twenty. CAPEMAN SILVER What about now? MAN Yeah, I know where Milosovich is hiding. He's in his bunker downtown. He's been holed up in there since he acted like a baby after he lost the election here and the people rioted. CAPEMAN SILVER Where is his bunker downtown? MAN Now, you see... I really can't tell you that. Capeman Silver hands him a twenty. CAPEMAN SILVER Will this loosen your tongue? MAN On sixth street. Look for the sign that says one-legged overwieght narcoleptic strippers. CAPEMAN SILVER One-legged overweight narcoleptic strippers? MAN Would YOU go in there? Makes the perfect hiding spot. CAPEMAN SILVER Thank you, citizen. MAN If you don't mind me asking, what do you want with Slobadan Milosovich? CAPEMAN SILVER I can't tell you, it's top secret. MAN Top secret, eh? Well, what about now? The man hands Capeman Silver a twenty. CAPEMAN SILVER I really shouldn't... The man hands Capeman Silver another twenty. MAN Now? CAPEMAN SILVER All right, we're on a mission to retrieve... [a beat] Something from him. MAN What kind of thing? CAPEMAN SILVER You don't honestly expect me to... The man hands Capeman Silver another twenty. CAPEMAN SILVER Okay, it's not a something. It's a someone. MAN Who? The man hands Capeman Silver another twenty. CAPEMAN SILVER George W. Bush and Al Gore. MAN The US Presidential candidates? Why would anyone vote for those two bozos, anyway? CAPEMAN SILVER I don't really know. The man hands Capeman Silver another twenty. CAPEMAN SILVER It's a drawback of the antiquated two-party system that, when you think about it, limits the choices that the public has for president to two of the most popular beurocrats with the most soft money. MAN I see. Well, is there anything else you need? CAPEMAN SILVER I really don't know. The man hands Capeman Silver another twenty. MAN What about now? CAPEMAN SILVER No... there's nothing else we need. Tah-tah! Capeman Silver walks off counting all of the money he got. He is joined by Capeman Gold. CAPEMAN GOLD What the hell was that? CAPEMAN SILVER What? I found out where Slobadan Milosovich is hiding! CAPEMAN GOLD No, I mean you just made sixty bucks off an idiot! I thought you were against money and materialism and stuff! CAPEMAN SILVER Oh, come on, Capeman! Getting a little cash under the table ain't wrong. CAPEMAN GOLD Tell me, Capeman, just out of curiosity... who are YOU going to vote for? CAPEMAN SILVER Why, Al Gore of course. CAPEMAN GOLD I see... The two Capeman's fly downtown. Capeman Gold watches Capeman Silver inquisitively. INT. A CONVENTION CENTER Barbara Walters is interviewing Donner and Harry. BARBARA WALTERS And with the Wepublican and Democwatic candidates missing and pwesumed dead, the sole candidate for pwesident is Jason Donner running under his new party, the Dudists. DONNER Dude, that's awesome! BARBARA WALTERS So, Mister Donner, if elected... what would you do? DONNER Well, first, there'd be a bitchin' kegger at the White House - you're invited of course, Barbara. BARBARA WALTERS Thank you. DONNER Once in office, I'd drop a whole helluva lotta bombs on any third world country that pisses me off. I'll drill for oil in the beautiful national parks of Alaska, and I'd totally sell out our economy to the Japanese! I'd cut funding to schools, welfare, orphanages, and medical research and put that money to good use like statues of me! BARBARA WALTERS What a refweshingly honest answer. [to the camera] My time with Mister Donner has shown me many things. We may compwain about the Wepublicans and Democwats on end, but when it comes right down to it, it can always get worse. [she looks at Donner] Much worse. For the sake of the United States and decency in general, pray that Al Gore and George W. Bush are found and returned safely. DONNER Hey, Walters! I'm still here! BARBARA WALTERS I don't really give a cwap. DONNER Bitch, when I'm in office, you're the first one I'm deporting! BARBARA WALTERS But I'm a citizen! DONNER Your point? HARRY Aren't you going to ask me what kind of tree I'd be? Barbara Walters storms off stage in one direction, Donner storms off the other. HARRY I would say I'd want to be an apple tree, but that sounds fruity. INT. SLOBODAN MILOSOVICH'S BUNKER SLOBODAH MILOSOVICH pours himself a bowl of Captain Crunch cereal with crunchberries and sits down in front of a television playing re runs of Gilligan's Island. On a couch next to him, tied and gagged, are AL GORE and GEORGE W. BUSH. SLOBODAN MILOSOVICH I am loving dis show. With Mary Ann and de Skipper and Gilligan. It's wery good, jah? GEORGE W. BUSH Mmmmfff? Mfff mmmmfff mmff! SLOBODAN MILOSOVICH I'm sorry, I can't hear what you are saying. Slobodan Milosovich undoes Bush and Gore's gags. GEORGE W. BUSH I said, what are you going to do with us? SLOBODAN MILOSOVICH Vell, I thought we'd watch Who's de Boss next followed by I Dream of Jeannie. AL GORE I invented "I Dream of Jeannie". GEORGE W. BUSH No! What are you go to do TO us? Are you going to kill us? Dismember us? Hold us hostage? SLOBODAN MILOSOVICH Don't be silly! Vell, maybe dismember you... but only dat! GEORGE W. BUSH I don't have to stand for this! I'm the son of a famous one-term president! SLOBODAN MILOSOVICH Don't speak to me like that unless you don't want anymore coke! GEORGE W. BUSH No! I need the coke, man! Gimmie the coke! Soloban sighs and hands Bush a can of Coca-Cola out of the fridge. AL GORE I invented Coke. You can't keep us here forever, Milosovich! Sooner or later, America will send it's mightiest heroes to rescue us! Heroes that I invented, I might add. SLOBODAN MILOSOVICH Ha! I laugh! Who are they going to send? Capeman? Or better yet, two Capeman's? Oh, that would be a riot! Capeman Gold and Capeman Silver burst into the room. CAPEMAN SILVER Hold it right there, Milosovich! CAPEMAN GOLD Prepare to face justice! WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!!! Capeman Gold lifts Milosovich up by his neck and balls his free hand into a fist. CAPEMAN GOLD I hope your head isn't too attached to your neck, cause if it is, it ain't gonna be much longer. Capeman Gold prepared to throw his deadly punch when he is stopped by Capeman Silver. CAPEMAN SILVER NO! STOP! This is NOT the answer! Killing criminals is wrong! CAPMAN GOLD WRONG? Are you mental? This guy is guilty of war crimes and that gives us just cause to turn him into a gooey paste! CAPEMAN SILVER Oh, you with your capital punishment and greed! CAPEMAN GOLD You with your illegal fundraisers and enviromentalism! [a realization] Holy crap in a hat! I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!!! CAPEMAN SILVER Do what? GEORGE BUSH What IS going on!? AL GORE Why are there TWO of you? Did I invent two of you? CAPEMAN GOLD Of course! It all makes perfect sense! Capeman Silver, with your values and beliefs and lack of morals when it comes to accepting money, you can best be described as a Democrat, right? CAPEMAN SILVER I suppose. CAPEMAN GOLD ...and with my wealth, power, and greed, I make the perfect Republican! GEORGE W. BUSH What's your point, Capeman? CAPEMAN GOLD This all began after the Earthquake! I was trying to figure out who I was going to vote for... Bush or Gore, Gore or Bush? I went to sleep that night still unsure and, when I woke up the next day... all of the sudden, I was a die-hard republican! CAPEMAN SILVER Yeah! That's just what happened to me! I couldn't decide whether I wanted to vote for the boring illegal fundraiser or the hick cocaine addict. I went to sleep that night, and when I woke up, I was a true blue democrat! CAPEMAN GOLD Do you know what this means? Capeman Gold and Silver stare at each other. CAPEMAN SILVER No. CAPEMAN GOLD Damn! Me Neither. SLOBODAN MILOSOVICH Oh, come on you dummies! Can't you see what happened! Capeman is a powerful metahuman with still-unknown abilities. Obviously, Vhen he vas racked over who to vote for, somehow his power split him into two people! Not Capeman Gold and Capeman Silver, but rather CAPEMAN DEMOCRAT AND CAPEMAN REPUBLICAN! CAPEMAN SILVER I like Capeman Silver and Capeman Gold better. SLOBODAN MILOSOVICH Whatever! CAPEMAN GOLD So you're saying that we are BOTH Capeman! SLOBODAN MILOSOVICH Yes, and the two of you are lesser for it! You must accept each other's political views and put aside your differences. Capeman Gold and Silver stare at each other. CAPEMAN GOLD Oh, I get it! This is like that episode of Star Trek where Kirk was split into two people and he had to be combined again on the transporter! CAPEMAN SILVER But we don't have a transporter and I'm in much better shape than William Shatner ever was! CAPEMAN GOLD That's not the point, dick! Our powers separated us and it can bring us back together. CAPEMAN SILVER I don't want to sound crude or anything, but that sounds really gay. CAPEMAN GOLD Are you ready, Capeman? CAPEMAN SILVER I'm ready, Capeman. Capeman Gold and Silver begin to glow with a white light. CAPEMAN SILVER Whoa... very Steven Spielburg! The white light fills the screen. When it subsides, the original Capeman stands in the center of the room. CAPEMAN Well... THAT was very stupid. AL GORE So, you're just Capeman again? CAPEMAN Apparently. SLOBODAN MILOSOVICH And are you a Republican or a Democrat now? CAPEMAN [scoff] Neither. Like 95% of all Americans, I don't vote. But I am extremely influenced by the visual media. For example, years of watching the Terminator, Matrix, and the Three Stooges have desensitized me to violence, so what's about to happen won't affect me in the least. SLOBODAN MILOSOVICH What's going to happen? CAPEMAN [whispers] Something wonderful. EXT. BELGRADE YUGOSLAVIA There is an earthshattering ka-boom and Solobdan Milosovich rockets into the sky and into orbit. INT. MILOSOVICH'S BUNKER Capeman looks out the Slobodan Milosovich-shaped hole in the ceiling and then proceeds to untie Al Gore and George W. Bush. GEORGE W. BUSH Thank you, Capeman. You really saved our grits. AL GORE Yeah, you were great and it's nice to know you've finally come to peace with yourself. CAPEMAN It was nothing. Gore and Bush smile. CAPEMAN And by "nothing" I mean $75 thousand dollars plus tax and travel expenses. Two coming and one going... no, make that three coming and one going. Forgot about Decoy. Poor vaporized bastard. AL GORE This country owes you a debt of gratitude. CAPEMAN Make it a debt of cash and you've got a deal, Al. AL GORE I invented cash. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam, Donner, Harry, Arturo, Triumph, and Capeman watch the results from the election come in. LIAM So, how do you think you're going to do in the election now that Capeman found Al Gore and George W. Bush. Donner throws Capeman a dirty look. DONNER Well, before Al and Dubya got back, the race was between me, Ralph Nader, and a dead Fish. I had 56% of the vote, Ralph had 10% and the fish had 29% with 5% undecided. I guess the 5% will be split between George and Al. I mean, come on! I had it won! I HAD IT WON!!! Donner burst into tears. HARRY Aw, I didn't want to be Vice President anyway. TRIUMPH Quiet! The results are coming in!
If Al Gore is the winner, Click Here
If George W. Bush is the winner, Click Here
TELEVISION With 90% of the polls counted, CNN is projecting Al Gore the winner of the 2000 presidential race. DONNER F-[BLEEEEEEP]-CK!!! TELEVISION George W. Bush came in a close second, with Ralph Nader third, a dead fish fourth, and late-comer Dudist candidate Jason Donner a distant fifth only taking .05% of the vote. DONNER It's not fair! TELEVISION Polls found that women unanimously rejected Mister Donner after he voiced the fact that he had no idea that women even voted in the first place. Donner shuts off the TV. DONNER What a gip! I demand a recount! Liam, you voted for me, didn't you? LIAM Actually, I didn't vote. Forgot. ARTURO Don't look at me! I didn't have time to vote! TRIUMPH Voting is for sissies! DONNER Well, I voted for me! Harry, did you vote? HARRY I voted for Ralph Nader. I liked his views on preserving the spotted pygmy lemur. DONNER GAH! CAPEMAN Cheer up, Donner! There's always 2004. DONNER Aw, to hell with it! If this country doesn't want me I don't want this country! Come on, guys! Al Gore is staying at the MGM. Let's go congratulate him and sit in at his swearing in. LIAM I thought that took place in January. EVERYONE Shut up, Liam! LIAM Well, look on the bright side, Donner. If Bush had won, we would have had the presidental team of Bush and Dick. DONNER That is of little comfort to me. INT. THE MGM GRAND AL GORE is up on the stage about to be swore in as president. A judge enters with a bible. AL GORE I wrote that book, you know. JUDGE Mister Vice President, please raise your right hand. Gore raises his hand. JUDGE Repeat after me. I, Albert Gore do solemnly swear to uphold the office of President of the United States. Gore switches to wooden boring mode. AL GORE I. Al. Bert. Gore. Do. Sol. Uhm. Lee. Swear. To. Up. Hold. The. Off. Fice. Of. Pres. I. Dent... The camera begins to pan around the room as Gore drones on. The Judge has fallen asleep. Reporters, spectators, and other head of government have all fallen asleep as well. Arturo, Donner, Harry, Triumph, and Capeman are all snoozing too. Liam lifts his head up wearily. LIAM It's... going to be a loooooong four years. Liam falls asleep as Gore continues to bore everyone to death. FADE OUT THE END TELEVISION With 90% of the polls counted, CNN is projecting George W. Bush the winner of the 2000 presidential race. DONNER F-[BLEEEEEEP]-CK!!! TELEVISION Al Gore came in a close second, with Ralph Nader third, a dead fish fourth, and late-comer Dudist candidate Jason Donner a distant fifth only taking .05% of the vote. DONNER It's not fair! TELEVISION Polls found that women unanimously rejected Mister Donner after he voiced the fact that he had no idea that women even voted in the first place. Donner shuts off the TV. DONNER What a gip! I demand a recount! Liam, you voted for me, didn't you? LIAM Actually, I didn't vote. Forgot. ARTURO Don't look at me! I didn't have time to vote! TRIUMPH Voting is for sissies! DONNER Well, I voted for me! Harry, did you vote? HARRY I voted for Ralph Nader. I liked his views on preserving the spotted pygmy lemur. DONNER GAH! CAPEMAN Cheer up, Donner! There's always 2004. DONNER Aw, to hell with it! If this country doesn't want me I don't want this country! Come on, guys! Al Gore is staying at the MGM. Let's go congratulate him and sit in at his swearing in. LIAM I thought that took place in January. EVERYONE Shut up, Liam! LIAM Well, look on the bright side, Donner. DONNER What? That we now have Bush and Dick in the white house? [a beat] Bush and Dick? INT. THE MGM GRAND GEORGE W. BUSH is up on the stage about to be swore in as president. A judge enters with a bible. JUDGE Governor Bush, please raise your right hand. Bush raises his hand. JUDGE Your other right hand. GEORGE W. BUSH Oh, sorry. JUDGE Repeat after me. I, George W. Bush do solemnly swear to uphold the office of President of the United States. GEORGE W. BUSH I, George W. Bush, do... uh... I'm sorry, what? JUDGE I, George W. Bush, do solemnly swear... GEORGE W. BUSH I, George W. Bush do swallow and swear... JUDGE Solemnly swear. GEORGE W. BUSH Do solemnly swear. JUDGE To uphold the office of President of the United States. GEORGE W. BUSH To... I'm sorry. JUDGE To uphold. GEORGE W. BUSH To... what? JUDGE Uphold. GEORGE W. BUSH Uphold. JUDGE The. GEORGE W. BUSH The. JUDGE Office. GEORGE W. BUSH Office. JUDGE Of. GEORGE W. BUSH Of. JUDGE Pres. GEORGE W. BUSH Pres. JUDGE I. GEORGE W. BUSH I. JUDGE Dent. GEORGE W. BUSH Dent. As Bush and the Judge continue, the camera zooms in on the crowd of spectators and we see Liam, Arturo, Triumph, Capeman, Harry, and a very pissed-off Donner who is whistling "It's The End of the World as we Know It." LIAM It's going to be a loooooooooooong four years. FADE OUT THE END