What follows is an April Fools gag.
Please, do not take this episode seriously or consider it a part of continuity.
In fact, just don't read it.
FADE IN:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam and Thad are watching television.
NARRATOR
Today, was a day like any other
In the life of Liam Smith. He was
Happily sitting on his couch watching
Quality television.
TV
And now, on a very special episode of
Lexx...
NARRATOR
Okay, not so quality television.
THAD
Change the channel or I'm removing
My patch.
LIAM
I just picked up the new Sperminator
Game from the video store.
THAD
You had the new Kari Wuhrer computer
Game and you didn't tell me.
LIAM
I'll just go get, it's in my room, under
The mattress.
INT. LIAM'S BEDROOM
The ceiling starts to shake.
RANDY
HOLLLLYYY S-bleep-TTTT!!!!
The ceiling explodes and Randy, angel wearing nothing but white boxer
shorts lands on the bed.
RANDY
Geez, that hurts!!!
Liam walks into the room.
LIAM
Aaah!! What they hell are you
Doing in my room?
RANDY
I'm your guardian angel.
LIAM
I want my mommy!!!
RANDY
You don't even know who your
Mother is!!!
LIAM
Do you?
RANDY
Uhhh...
INT. BEDROOM
Jeri Ryan slaps Randy.
JERI
This is the last time I let you
sleep with me, birth control works
with angels my arse!!!
INT. LIAM'S BEDROOM
RANDY
You don't really want to know that....
Thad enters.
THAD
Whoa!!! Liam, way too much information.
LIAM
But I didn't invite him into my bed.
THAD
Look, Liam, I'm a werewolf, I understand
that you are different!!!
RANDY
HEY!!! I'm not gay!!!
THAD
Look, there's nothing wrong with this.
LIAM
What exactly are you implying?
RANDY
Is he normally this stupid?
THAD
Hey, if you like the ditzy type.
LIAM
Who are you guys talking about?
Randy makes his hand into the shape of a gun, a lightning bolt leaps from
it striking Liam.
EXT. SPACE
A rift in space suddenly opens and the an alien spaceship flies through it.
INT. SPACESHIP
There are two butt-ugly alien inside.
ALIEN#1
Jung gur shpx jnf gung?
(subtitled)
Where the hell are we?
ALIEN#2
Ubj gur shpx fubhyq V xabj?
(subtitled)
Okay, so maybe there was a
slight miscalculation.
ALIEN#1
Lbh xabj, jr fubhyq ernyyl fnl
fbzrguvat sbe gur fnq onfgneqf
gung trg guvf naq qrpbqr vg
jvgu EBG13 whfg gb svaq bhg jung
jr'er fnlvat?
(subtitled)
How hard is it to press the red
button instead of the green one?
ALIEN#2
Yvnz vf Pncrzna. Yvnz vf Pncrzna.
(subtitled)
Look, there's a planet. Let us
kill the race that is on it, and
have sex with their trees.
ALIEN#1
Sbe fnyr bar cnenpuhgr,
bayl hfrq bapr, arire
bcrarq fyvtug fgnva
(subtitled)
Eeew, that's disgusting!!
Who wants to die with
their clothes on?
INT. LIAM'S BEDROOM
>From before, Liam is standing there looking as he has just been struck by
lightning. Also he is now being played a Brad Pitt.
THAD
Liam, are you okay?
LIAM
I feel fine, in fact I've
never felt better in my
entire life, my mind it's
as though some half-witted
maniac from Texas has been
controlling it. It all makes
sense now, I understand
everything.
THAD
Who is this ugly naked guy in
your bed again?
RANDY
Hello, not naked!!! I'm wearing
boxers and for the last time
I'm his guardian angel.
LIAM
This is amazing, I feel so different.
(looks down his pants)
ALLEUIA!!!!!
The door bursts open and its Stacey who runs up to Liam and starts making
out with him.
STACEY
(between kisses)
Liam.....there's....something you should...
know!!!
LIAM
(also between kisses)
Can....it wait?
STACEY
Yes!!!
Liam picks up Stacey and starts walking toward the bed, where his eyes fall
dead on Thad and Randy.
LIAM
Uh, could you guys us excuse for a moment?
RANDY
Sorry buddy, never before the big game,
I'm here on a mission from God. Some
killer aliens created by your good
old buddy Satan are going to destroy
the earth and you are the only one
that can stop it.
LIAM
Come on, just give me a couple of hours...
STACEY
(lustfully)
Or more.
LIAM
(distracted)
And then I'll be right on top of you.
IT!!! I'll be right on top of IT!!!
RANDY
Look, you stop the aliens, save the
world, be a hero, and get the girl,
how does that sound.
LIAM
I'm in!!!
He grabs Stacey and kisses her hard and passionately. She falls back on to
the bed dazed.
STACEY
I'll be waiting with heels on.
(whispers to Liam)
And not much else.
Liam's eyes go wide, and walks out of the room with Randy and Thad.
THAD
Man, who would've thought you guys were
really boning each other. Guess I owe
Chocolate Treat five bucks.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Chocolate Treat is parading along the street. Liam, Thad and Randy show up.
LIAM
Hey Chocolate Treat.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
(seductively)
Well hel--
(stops dead)
Liam?
LIAM
In the flesh?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
You're Liam Smith?
(to the sky)
What was I thinking?
She starts walking away.
RANDY
Quickly kill her!!!
LIAM
Why?
THAD
If you're really Liam's guardian angel,
is she a man or a woman?
RANDY
She's neither, she's a sex demon!!! You
guys didn't know this?!?!?! We have to slay
her now.
Chocolate Treat spins around, eyes blazing red like a demon, fangs, two
horns suddenly explode from her chest in place of breasts, she roars to the
sky, and is then run down by a limousine. The window winds down but we
can't see who is.
THAD
Oh my gosh!!! That's, that's....
LIAM
Kari?
RANDY
She's not wearing much either.
We pan around and we see her nude from just above the chest and upwards.
KARI
Please forgive me Liam!!! I've
been wrong to reject you all these
years!!! Take me!!! TAKE ME NOW!!!
LIAM
(to Randy)
I still have to save the world now don't
I?
RANDY
Oh yeah.
KARI
Please Liam, I'm on fire!!!
We hear a scream from off camera and Stacey leaps into view, dressed in a
trench coat and heels, she grabs Kari by the hair.
STACEY
He's mine you bitch!!!
KARI
He was mine first.
STACEY
Slut!!!
KARI
Whore!!!
Stacey pulls Kari through the window by her hair and the two start battling
it out in a full on cat fight, Stacey's trench coat gets ripped off to
reveal that there was nothing underneath, of course we only see most of her
back. The three guys stand there watching them for a moment, Thad quickly
sits down and crosses his legs.
KARI
Look, Liam's happy to see me.
STACEY
No, he's happy to see me, you
skank!!!
They continue to fight. Arturo comes running out of the building.
ARTURO
(urgently)
Liam, my boy!!!
He notices Stacey and Kari and stops dead.
LIAM
Professor, did you want something?
ARTURO
Of course, the emergency.....
They all continue to watch Stacey and Kari.
ARTURO
(snaps out of it)
Yes, we are in serious trouble!!!
Some aliens have just killed everyone
in the white house while the rest
of them had sex with trees.
THAD
That's disgusting.
RANDY
Yeah, I mean they should at least remove
the clothes before they murder them. Anyway,
looks like the destruction has started, we
have to stop the aliens before anymore damage
occurs. Now God said we'd get help two prophets,
and some famous dead guy.
We hear screaming as a body suddenly smashes into the park bench killing
Thad. The figure stands to reveal that it's MR HILTER!!!
MR HILTER
Liam, how many times do I have to tell you
to LEAVE ME DEAD!!!
LIAM
Sorry Mr Hilter, but God sent you here.
MR HILTER
For the last time, it's Hil--wait a minute
you said my name right!!!
ARTURO
Who are these people, Liam?
LIAM
Professor Arturo, this Mr Hilter, and the
guy in boxers is my guardian angel Randy,
I've been sent on a mission from God to
save the world.
MR HILTER
Lets just do this so I can--
Is that Kari Wuhrer and Stacey?
Donner pulls up in his car.
DONNER
Hey guys, and whoa!!! When I wake up there
go my new tiger skin sheets.
LIAM
Donner, you're not asleep. They're fighting
over me.
DONNER
Not the best of my dreams but with the view
I'm getting it'll do.
LIAM
Look, I've been called upon by God to stop
these killer aliens from destroying earth.
DONNER
I don't what kind of sick dream this is,
but-- Mr Hilter?
MR HILTER
Hello, Donner.
DONNER
Say, you dead don't watch the living do
you?
MR HILTER
Yes, and I've seen what you did with my
daughter.
DONNER
Look, I can explain...
Suddenly Donner is hit by a bullet in his arm, he turns to see who the
shooter was, and it turns out that is in fact, KATHY HILTER.
KATHY
Hi, Dad, good to see you're not dead,
you'll be able to be here for my wedding.
DONNER
Uh, I'm kinda excessively bleeding here.
MR HILTER
Wedding? What, wedding?
LIAM
Look, Donner's bleeding to death--
Kathy cuts Liam off but giving him a very steamy french kiss.
KATHY
Come on, baby!!! Lets go get married so
and then we can go to the honeymoon suite
where we can--
Donner passes out and his body makes a loud Thud! as it hits the pavement.
KATHY
--brains out.
LIAM
This is great and all, but Donner really
needs help.
KATHY
Believe me I know, you should see how small
his...
A beam of light from the sky lands on Liam, Mr Hilter, Arturo and Donner.
They dematerialize from the spot Star Trek style, we pan up to reveal to
reveal the alien space ship in the sky.
------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
-Are you ready for the remastered Jay & Jason?
-All new episodes.
-All new format.
-http://www.angelfire.com/ri/jayandjason/
-------
INT. ALIEN BRIG
Liam, Mr Hilter, Donner and Arturo are beamed into a cell. ALIEN#1 and
ALIEN#2 await them.
ALIEN#1
Qvq lbh xabj Wnfba fvtarq hc sbe Frk
Fheivibe.
(subtitled)
You fool, I told you they weren't
trees.
ALIEN#2
V jnag n guerrfbzr jvgu Xnev Jhuere
naq Wrev Elna sbe puevfgznf.
(subtitled)
Let's kill in many painful and horrible
ways.
ALIEN#1
Yvnz vf Pncrzna!!!
(subtitled)
I call cavity searches!!!
ARTURO
If only we could understand what they
are saying!!!
MR HILTER
Well, I haven't got anything to fear,
I'm already dead.
LIAM
Wait, I think I've figured it out, there
language is actually just spoken version
of ROT13 that people use to encrypt messages
on newsgroups.
DONNER
If he's that smart that I've got to be dreaming.
But how come my arm hurts so much.
He passes out again.
LIAM
(to Aliens)
V'ir frra lbhe jvsr anxrq.
(subtitled)
We come in peace.
ALIEN#1
Shpx lbh.
(subtitled)
We don't.
LIAM
Zl cravf vf ovttre guna lbhef.
(subtitled)
That's not very nice now is it?
ALIEN#2
Yrkk ebpxf.
(subtitled)
Enough talk, we kill you now.
LIAM
We'll think up our plan faster than
you can shut down this force field.
ALIEN#1
Gurl pnyy zr avar vapu.
(subtitled)
What force field?
ARTURO
What are they saying, my boy?
ALIEN#2
Ohg Jrfgyrl, jung nobhg gur EBHF'f.
(subtitled)
The first to die step forward now.
LIAM
They said they want Mr Hilter to step
forward.
MR HILTER
Okay then.
He does so, the alien pulls the trigger and flames explode from the gun
hitting Mr Hitler.
MR HILTER
AAAAH!!!! HELP!!!
Liam leaps at Alien#1 and starts to beat the living crap out of him,
suddenly he explodes and blue blood goes everywhere.
MR HITLER
Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I can't
feel pain!!!
LIAM
Oh, right.
He picks up the dead aliens gun and uses it on Alien#1, who explodes as a
result.
MR HILTER
Please, I want to die again!!!
DONNER
However I'm feeling much better.
ARTURO
It appears the aliens blood has
regenerative properties on living
breathing humans.
MR HILTER
I'm living or breathing, gee this
hurts.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Stacey and Kari have somehow found clothes, but are still busy fighting
each other Kathy Hilter is also in the fray.
KATHY
Liam's mine!!!
KARI
No his mine!!!
STACEY
Well, you're both wrong, he's mine!!!
KATHY
Slayer-bitch!
RANDY
Look, maybe we can sort this out in a calm
and sensitive manner. I'll have sex with
each of you and then decide which one of you
gets Liam.
Randy's head is suddenly blown off his shoulders, him being an angel it
instantly reforms. He turns around to SENESTRA MARVELOUS holding a shotgun.
SENESTRA
There will be no more fighting. Liam Smith
will be mine. He lusts after me and neither
of you.
KARI
He's lusted after me more than any of you!!!
SENESTRA
Shut up!!
Fires her shotgun again, which once again blows off Randy's head. It again
reforms.
RANDY
Will you stop doing that!! It is *really*
annoying.
SENESTRA
Destroy these other three ladies and we'll
talk.
RANDY
Do I look like the angel of death? NO!!
He is the ONLY angel that can kill!!!
SENESTRA
Enough talk!!! Where is Liam?
RANDY
Uh, he's not exactly available right now.
INT. ALIEN BRIG
Another Alien explodes.
DONNER
Okay, they're gonna start to wonder why they're
losing so many janitors.
LIAM
I think I've figured out how this teleporter works,
now we'll need reinforcements, we need someone who
can kill without a conscious, we need someone expendable
we need...
He presses a button on the teleporter and BIPPO THE CLOWN appears.
LIAM
Bippo The Clown!!!
BIPPO
Remember my name, you'll be screaming it later.
DONNER
Bippo buddy, we need you to kill things.
BIPPO
No problem.
He pulls out an axe from his pocket and runs out of the room.
ARTURO
We didn't even tell him what to kill.
LIAM
We didn't need to.
INT. ALIEN BAR
The bar is filled with Aliens, drinking beer. There are two humans in the
room, CRUNCH is behind the bar serving drinks, and LARRY is carrying his
tray around bringing drinks to people.
CRUNCH
Everybody, tonight happy hour has
been extended for another whole hour!!!
The aliens in the crowd go nuts cheering and beating the table. Bippo The
Clown bursts into the room with a war cry and starts hacking into aliens
left and right, a whole bar fight breaks. Aliens draw their guns, flames
fly everywhere.
CRUNCH
On second thoughts, happy hour closes
right now.
INT. ALIEN CORRIDOR
Liam and the gang are running down the corridor armed with guns.
LIAM
Okay, Bippo's busy killing aliens, all we
have to do is activate the auto-destruct
sequence and we'll all live happily ever
after.
DONNER
Uh, is it just me or does everyone not
remember agreeing to the whole self
destruct sequence bit?
ARTURO
Mr Donner, you have to realize that these
beings were created by Satan and must be
destroyed at all costs.
DONNER
Exactly, *they* have to be killed. Not us
who votes we take the escape pods and Liam
blows up the ship.
MR HILTER
You mean you didn't tell him about the escape
pods?
DONNER
Tell me what about the escape pods?
LIAM
We've already released them un-manned so none
of the aliens escape. Now we can be sure they'll
all die. Besides, Capeman can save us, right?
DONNER
Oh yeah, Capeman. Right. We better call him then.
INT. BAR
The place is drenched in alien blood, Bippo is still madly hacking away at
something off camera, Crunch is hiding behind the bar when a cell phone in
his pocket rings. He pulls it out.
CRUNCH
Hello?
(listens)
I'm kinda busy right now, but it shouldn't really
be a problem.
(listens)
What do you mean they're going to blow up the damn
ship!!!
INT. ALIEN BRIDGE
The door bursts open and Liam leaps in with a bazooka-type ray gun, he
pulls the trigger and green laser bullets start firing rapidly. Aliens
start exploding into blue blood all over the place in the middle of the
fray, we see Alien#1.
ALIEN#1
Ebqragf bs hahfny fvmr, V qba'g guvax gurl rkvfg.
(subtitled)
Computer, activate senior escape pod one.
The trap door belows his chair opens. he looks down.
ALIEN#1
Bu, obl, V'z shpxrq.
(subtitled)
What the hell, where's the escape pod?
His body sucked through the hole and the doors close.
MR HILTER
This might be a bad time to ask this, but
where are those two prophets Randy was talking
about?
The wall explodes next to them and out steps Capeman and Decoy.
CAPEMAN
You called?
ARTURO
I've found the button to activate the self
destruct sequence, but is covered in a substance
that will cause human flesh to explode on impact
whoever presses it will be killed.
LIAM
It's a risk I'll have to take, this my mission
from God and I'll have to succeed in it.
CAPEMAN
Liam!!! I can't let you do that. Decoy, press that
button for us.
DECOY
But I--
CAPEMAN
Just do it!!!
In slow motion we focus on Decoy's hand as it moves toward the big red
button on the control panel. The tip of his finger makes contact and Decoy
promptly explodes. Liam's opens his mouth to talk and a human heart falls out.
LIAM
On second thoughts, we could just press the
button with one of these severed arms here.
Liam picks up and uses it on the button.
COMPUTER
Lbh'er shpxrq cny.
(subtitled)
Self destruct sequence has been activated.
LIAM
Quickly Capeman, if we all grab on to you
your aura should safely protect us in outer
space and our re-entry to earth.
Liam, Arturo and Donner walk up to Capeman.
CAPEMAN
Sorry, it looks like I'll only be able to carry
three of you and safely generate my aura to protect
you. Someone is going to have to say.
Everyone looks at Mr Hilter.
MR HILTER
Oh, come on. Think about this.
DONNER
Well, Mr Hilter, I'll stay. Even if you are dead,
it seems right for my to leave this universe and
for you stay in it.
MR HILTER
Really?
Donner smashes a vase over Mr Hilter who falls to the ground unconscious.
DONNER
To hell with that.
EXT. SPACESHIP
Capeman flies out with Liam, Arturo and Donner holding on to him. After
they have left the picture the spaceship explodes.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Capeman and the gang land out UPDA Creek apartments where the pavement has
been ripped apart and is war torn.
DONNER
What the hell happened, here?
LIAM
I guess Stacey and Kari went a
little overboard. Which reminds me,
I'm going to apartment with them.
Do not disturb me for at least a week.
(turns to Capeman)
Thanks for--what happened to your mask?
CAPEMAN
(feels his face)
Oh no!!! It's gone and that means that.
We finally see Capeman's face and he is CRUNCH!!!
LIAM
Crunch?!?!?! But I haven't see you in
years!!!
CRUNCH
Yeah well, the pizza place was running
a bit low one month so I figured I'd
take up a bit of superhero business.
ARTURO
You realize we must not breath a word
of this to anyone.
LIAM
Crunch, I promise I won't tell a soul.
So, how's Larry treating himself these
days.
CRUNCH
Oh, before rescuing you guys I dropped
him and that clown friend of yours off
in Hawaii. Of course the clown accidentally
landed in a volcano, but hey, you win some
you lose some.
The door the apartment building bursts open and the girls come running out.
RENEE
Come on, baby!!! Let's go!!
KARI
No, he wants to go with me!!
STACEY
You're both wrong it's me!!
SENESTRA
I will kill you all.
LIAM
Look, I'm sure we can work everything out.
Randy shows up.
RANDY
Well, it looks like my work here is done.
Oh, hey Crunch.
He spreads his wings and flies off.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
The place looks a hell of a lot better than normal, as though it actually
contained condos.
CAPTION: UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS, ONE YEAR LATER
EXT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
We see the newspaper headline on his doorstep. It reads "TOM CRUISE ELECTED
PRESIDENT". The door opens and we pan up to see Liam standing there, Kari
Wuhrer and Kathy Hilter are all over him in their underwear.
LIAM
Donner lost the election again, man
is he ever gonna be pissed.
RENEE
Liam, honey, come back to bed.
KARI
I wanna do thing I did in my movie
"Three In The Bed" again.
RENEE
Stacey'll be here soon and you know
how she doesn't like to share.
KARI
And Senestra will be here later.
LIAM
Okay girls lets go.
Arturo quickly runs up to him
ARTURO
Liam, did you hear the good news?
LIAM
You'll have to be more specific.
ARTURO
I just got a call from Universal Studios.
They want to produce your tv series
"Jay & Jason", they say it's a masterpiece.
As your agent, I expect ten percent.
LIAM
No problem Professor, no problem at all.
Liam leans and kisses Kari, on that we fade to black.
THE END