THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 2.10 - "Al Gore and George W. Bush Should Really Grow Up"
By Jason Donner
EXT. OUTER SPACE The Star Wars theme blares as the title "THE LIAM SMITH SHOW" races away from the camera and into the blackness of space. Letters begin to scroll across the screen. EPISODE XXXIX IN THE DAYS FOLLOWING THE PRESIDENTAL ELECTION OF THE YEAR 2000, AL GORE AND GEORGE W. BUSH BECAME EMBROILED OVER THE RESULTS IN THE STATE OF FLORIDA WHICH WOULD DETERMINE THE LEADER OF THE UNITED STATES FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS. IN THESE DARK DAYS WHEN THE TWO WOULD-BE PRESIDENTS OF AMERICA ACTED LIKE SPOILED CHILDREN WANTING TO HAVE DO- OVER AFTER DO-OVERS, OTHER COUNTRYS WATCH THE ELECTION WITH CONCERN... WAITING... AND WATCHING. The letters crawl into the black of space. THE EPISODE YOU'RE ABOUT TO READ WAS WRITTEN IN UNDER TWO HOURS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A TOPICAL SUBJECT. PLEASE TAKE THAT UNDER ADVISEMENT WHILE YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING. FADE TO: INT. THE ROYAL PALACE - LONDON QUEEN ELIZABETH II is reading a newspaper with the headline "US PRESIDENTAL RACE REMAINS UNDECIDED - BUSH CALLS GORE "BIG POOPY HEAD"" The queen wads the newspaper up and tosses it aside angrily. QUEEN ELIZABETH Well, we can't have that now, can we? MUSIC STING FADE OUT ----------------------------------------------------------------- THEME SONG The theme to "Monty Python's Flying Circus" plays as paper cutouts of the Liam Smith cast dance around. At the end, the title "THE LIAM SMITH SHOW" is displayed as cartoon Liam dances around in front of it. A giant foot comes down and smashes everything. -----------------------------------------------------------------THE LIAM SMITH SHOW Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith" John Ryhs-Davies as "Arturo" Guest Starring Michael Nelson as "Thad Coffey" Robert Floyd as "Bippo the Clown" The Stick as "Harry the Handyman" and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog And Special Guest Star Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP PROFESSOR MAXIMILLION ARTURO is walking down the street. He looks up and a puzzled look crosses his face. ARTURO That's new. ARTURO'S POV We see a large BRITTISH FLAG flapping proudly in the breeze. ARTURO Me like much, much! INT. THE MGM GRAND Donner walks through the large building and gets to the elevator. The doors open and we see an ELEVATOR ATTENDENT inside. Donner enters the elevator. DONNER Morning. ATTENDENT Morning, govna'. To the penthouse, right? DONNER Uh... yeah. ATTENDENT 'ell of a night the last night was, eh? DONNER If you say so. What's with the accent? You sound like an extra from Mary Poppins. ATTENDENT I 'aven't the foggiest what you're speakin' about. The elevator reaches the top floor. ATTENDENT 'ave a pleasant day, gov. Donner mumbles a reply and quickly exits. The doors shut. DONNER Something is amiss in Las Vegas this November morning. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT LIAM SMITH sits on his couch ready to watch TV. LIAM I've been waiting for the 24-hour Kari Wuhrer jiggle-thon for weeks and now I have 24 hours of slow motion heaving and bouncing to look forward to. Man, life is good. Liam turns on the TV. TV [stoic British accent] You're watching BBC 2. Stay tuned for the fascinating documentary, The Life and Times of Winston Churchill. Liam grunts and changes the channel. TV [accent] Stay tuned to BBC 4 for John Cleese in Faulty Towers. Liam changes the channel. TV [accent] You're watching BBC 5. We now join professional tennis already in progress. LIAM NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY - A FEW MINUTES LATER The residents have all gathered and are angrily yelling. ARTURO tries to calm them down. ARTURO Now, now! I know you are all concerned about... THAD What's up with all of the British flags flying around? BIPPO Why are people speaking with a cockney accent? LIAM Why has jiggle-vision been replaced by the BBC? CHOCOLATE TREAT Why isn't anyone letting anyone have time to answer? ARTURO Please! Calm down! Now, to answer all of your questions, something has happened. Something wonderful! DORIS Well, don't keep us in suspense, Sala! Tell us! ARTURO You see, when the Revolutionary War ended in the 18th century, England signed a treaty with the United States in which mother England officially recognized America as a sovereign nation. What is not generally known is that there was a... shall we say... loophole in the treaty. HARRY What kind of loophole? ARTURO I'm glad you asked, my friend. You see... if America - at any time - was or is unable to elect or choose a leader, England reserved the right to revoke it's independence. HARRY Meaning what? ARTURO Meaning that since Al Gore and George W. Bush haven't been able to get one or the other to declare concession, the United States have now officially been re assimilated into the British Empire! Isn't that wonderful? Arturo looks around with a huge grin on his face. ARTURO Well? Isn't it? Everyone stands in stunned silence. Finally, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog shatters the quiet. TRIUMPH THOSE LIMEY BASTARDS! THOSE FAT BRITTISH F-[BLEEP!]-KS! LIAM This is... this is unreal! You mean to tell me that we're now citizens of Great Britain? Just like that? ARTURO Such good news is often hard to believe. TRIUMPH THOSE BAD-TEETHED PRICKS! ARTURO I must admit that I am a little put off by your attitudes. After all, I believe that if the US rejoined with my homeland it would solve a lot of this nation's problems like guns in the classrooms, medical care for the poor and so on! STACY I don't want to be British! I want to stay American! I like having good teeth! ARTURO [enraged] Will you STOP with the British stereotypes? Britain is a fine country with fine upstanding citizens. IF you want MY opinion, it should be the ENGLISH who should be upset by this arrangement! After all, what good could come to us my taking in a society full of uncultured reprobates!? THAD You take that back! ARTURO I will do no such thing you slack-jawed YANK! THAD [eyes turn yellow] I SAID TAKE THAT BACK! LIAM Thad! Calm down! We don't want Arturo to end up like Mister Hilter, do we? Thad turns to everyone. THAD Do we? Everyone shrugs. ARTURO Look, you can bitch whine and complain all you want, but the facts are that the United States is now a British Colony again. Live with it, you tossers! Arturo angrily storms out. BIPPO What do we do? I don't want to become British? We won't be able to celebrate Independence Day anymore! It's the one day of the year I can blow stuff up! Legally! ELVIS Relax, Bippo. Now look, there's got to be some way that America can get out of this! I'm sure our leaders aren't just going to stand idly by as Britain takes over! STACY What leaders? Who is the president now? LIAM Uh... that's a good question! With Florida in dispute, no one is really sure WHO the president is! All of our "leaders" are too busy trying to figure out the mess down there! DORIS Of course. Britain's been looking for an excuse to reclaim the US ever since we kicked their asses in the revolution. This stupid tist between Gore and Bush has given them the opportunity they've needed. TRIUMPH THOSE COCKNEY DICKS! LIAM This isn't getting us anywhere! We have to go to London and try to talk some sense into the Queen. Thad, Bippo, Triumph, and Harry... you guys come with me. I'm driving. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Liam, Thad, Bippo, Harry, and Triumph have loaded up in Mister Hilter's old pick-up truck. Chocolate Treat has come to see them off. CHOCOLATE TREAT Liam, honey. You be careful in Britain. It's a strange and untamed land and I fear for your safety. I have a terrible feeling that I'm never going to see you again. LIAM Don't worry, Chocolate Treat. I'm sure we'll be back by supper time. CHOCOLATE TREAT [draws closer to Liam] You know, they say it's good luck to kiss a lady before a long journey. LIAM Uh... Er.. Uh... THAD Oh, Liam just kiss her so we can go! LIAM Oh, all right! But on the cheek, Chocolate Treat. CHOCOLATE TREAT Very well. Liam leans over to give Chocolate Treat a peck on the cheek. Treat grabs Liam by the head and gives him a long gooey French kiss. Liam struggles to get away, but Chocolate Treat continues until she runs out of air and releases him. Liam spits uncontrollably. Thad hits the gas and speeds away. STACY Why do you do that? CHOCOLATE TREAT Cause, honey... now that Liam has had a taste of the Treat, resistance is futile! He WILL be assimilated... into my bed! EXT. THE OPEN ROAD - DEATH VALLEY THAD, BIPPO, HARRY, TRIUMPH, and LIAM sit listening to an old Dwight Yokam 8-track. BIPPO Are we there yet? THAD STOP ASKING THAT! BIPPO But I'm soooooo bored! LIAM We've been driving for fifteen minutes! BIPPO Who wants to play a game? No one says anything. BIPPO Great! I spy with my little eye something black with yellow stripes. HARRY The road? BIPPO How'd you guess? HARRY We're in the middle of the desert and there's nothing else around? Bippo hits Harry. Harry hits back. THAD Stop it! Bippo and Harry are knocked up against Thad. THAD I SAID STOP IT! HARRY That wasn't us! Something hit us! THAD Oh, COME ON! Do you honestly expect me to believe...? BAM! The pick-up is hit again. Everyone looks out the window to see ARTURO driving a Mac Truck. LIAM Professor!? ARTURO I'm not going to let you Yankee Twits stop this exchange of governments! Long live the British empire! Arturo rams the pick-up again. TRIUMPH Holy humped mailman leg! He's gone loco! WHAM! LIAM JESUS! He's going to try to kill us! BIPPO Hey! No fair! I thought of it first! WHAM! THAD We can't stay on the road long with him hitting us like this! Somebody do something! Everyone looks at Harry. HARRY Hell. Anyone got a weapon? Bippo takes off one of his oversized clown shoes and opens up a compartment. He hands Harry a small submachine gun. BIPPO This do? HARRY Yeah. Be back in a minute. Harry crawls out of the window and into the back bed of the pick-up. Arturo and his big- rig are riding the bumper. Harry crawls onto the truck and onto the hood right in front of the windshield. HARRY Smile, you son of a bitch! Harry unloads the machine gun into Arturo and the truck. Arturo's body spasms as the bullets rip through him. Harry reaches inside the truck, grabs the steering wheel, and yanks it causing the truck to flip over. Harry leaps at the last moment and lands in the back of the pick-up truck. Arturo's Mack Truck flips over three dozen times and then explodes in a great big fireball. INT. THE PICK-UP TRUCK Harry climbs back in and hands the gun to Bippo. HARRY Site's a little off. You may want to have it looked at. LIAM OH MY GOD! YOU JUST KILLED THE PROFESSOR!!! HARRY Look, it's not like I enjoyed it or anything. It was just something that had to be done for the sake of America. It's best not to look back, Liam. It's best not to look back. Camera zooms back to reveal Bippo, Triumph, and Thad looking back. TRIUMPH Wow! Look at the piggy burn! HARRY I SAID DON'T LOOK BACK! THAD Well, at least this will ease all of the jokes about me eating Mister Hilter. HARRY Don't count on it, Marmaduke. EXT. THE MACK TRUCK The truck is now a blazing ball of fire and it's obvious that it's impossible for anyone to have survived the crash, but suddenly... we see a human form marching out of the flames. We now see that it's a metallic-silver human and the scene is a direct rip-off of Terminator 2. The silver form approaches the camera and reforms into the shape of Arturo. Arturo grunts and marches down the road. EXT. LONDON As always whenever we see the city of London, "God Save the Queen" plays. EXT. THE QUEEN'S PALACE The pick-up truck parks in front of the gates. Liam, Harry, Bippo, Thad, and Triumph get out. LIAM Welp, we're here! THAD Wow! London! It's beautiful! LIAM Hey, Thad. Would this make you an... THAD Don't say it. LIAM An American Werewolf in London? THAD I asked you NOT to say it! HARRY TRIUMPH! STOP THAT! Triumph is hiking his leg on one of those palace guards that aren't allowed to move. TRIUMPH What's he going to do about it? He's not supposed to move! Ha! Ha! Ha! Suddenly, the guard kicks Triumph into the air and pulls a gun on Liam and the others. GUARD You did NOT see me move. Is that clear!? HARRY Clear! Clear! INT. THE PALACE Queen Elizabeth II sits at her desk. The intercom buzzes. QUEEN ELIZABETH Yes? SECRETARY [over com] Excuse me, Majesty, but there's a talking dog, a werewolf, a clown, a tall creepy guy and a short stupid looking kid from America to see you. QUEEN ELIZABETH [thinks] Oh, what the hell? Send them in! Liam and the gang enter. QUEEN ELIZABETH Welcome to London, Liam. We've been expecting you. LIAM You have? How do you know my name? QUEEN ELIZABETH We are queen, Liam. We know everything. Plus it's embroidered on your shirt. LIAM Ah. Well, your majesty... I've come here because of the loophole in the American Revolution treaty. QUEEN ELIZABETH American revolution? Oh, you mean that silly little tiff the colonies had a few years ago? THAD Hey! Tiff or no tiff, America still kicked your ass! QUEEN ELIZABETH You forget, my lycanthopic friend, that you are legally British now! THAD Okay, fine! I still America kicked OUR asses! LIAM Thad, shut up. [to Elizabeth] Your majesty, please... we like America like it was! We know that Britain's a nice country and all, but we don't want to be forced into being a part of it. QUEEN ELIZABETH Oh, come now, Liam! Your country is in terrible shape due to the recent miscarrage of your presidential elections! It's easier to be British! Trust me! All you have to do is start calling soccer "football" and memorize a few words of "God Save the Queen"! My friends, we're saving you from yourselves! LIAM But we don't need to be saved from ourselves! Every country in the world is critizing us for the way we choose our leaders, but it's the way our system works! Sure, the electoral college may seem like a bad idea at first, but it assures that highly populated areas don't have a monopoly on choosing the country's leader. Right now we have two self- absorbed candidates who are making the country look bad since neither of them can step aside for the good of the country, but this is one incident in 225 years of history! Our system of government may not seem the best, but it's better than most! BIPPO Like monarchy! Now THAT's an idea that went out with bell bottoms and the Brady Bunch! Elizabeth looks angry. QUEEN ELIZABETH We are not amused. HARRY Who's we? You got a turd in your pocket? QUEEN ELIZABETH Well I never! THAD With a face like that, I wouldn't doubt it! QUEEN ELIZABETH I say! TRIUMPH I wouldn't! It looks like you haven't brushed in the last decade! QUEEN ELIZABETH Don't you know who I am!? LIAM Why? Didn't your mother tell you? Elizabeth turns red. QUEEN ELIZABETH You ruffians! Are all you blasted Americans as insolent as you!? HARRY No, some of us are downright rude. QUEEN ELIZABETH I can't stand this! I can't stand the fact that a country full of idiots has been absorbed into the nation! No! It will not sit! LIAM So, you mean America is America again? QUEEN ELIZABETH Yes! I want no part of your stupid silly society! Good day! TRIUMPH Thank you, your majesty. You are as beautiful as you are wise and your country is quite nice... QUEEN ELIZABETH Well, it's nice to see that one of you is... TRIUMPH FOR ME TO POOP ON!!! INT. A HALLWAY Liam, Triumph, Harry, Thad, and Bippo are thrown into the hall. QUEEN ELIZABETH [off screen] GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!!! The door slams. BIPPO ALL RIGHT! WHOOOOOOO USA! USA! USA! PRINCE CHARLES walks up to them. PRINCE CHARLES Hey! You can't loiter in here! HARRY Aw, who died and made you king? PRINCE CHARLES [sniff] Nobody. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENT LOBBY All of the tenants are there. ARTURO Liam, I would like to apologize for attempting to kill you Harry, Bippo, and Thad. TRIUMPH Hey, you forgot me! ARTURO No I didn't. LIAM It's all right, professor but there's one thing I don't understand... STACY ONE thing? LIAM How did you escape that fiery crash? We were sure that you'd been blown to smithereens! ARTURO It was patriotism, Liam. You see, you may love your country, but I love mine as well and, well... when I get misty for the mother- land, I am capable of anything. Even a real-life rip-off of a popular movie. LIAM A popular... American movie. ARTURO Whatever. Never the less, you Americans got to keep your country due in large part to your stupidity and, even though the British do not get this land, somehow that fact comforts me. TRIUMPH Well, I learned something today. I learned that, while our ways may differ and seem strange to one another... we are all one people on the country called Earth and we must be good to each other and learn to respect our differences and not fear and ridicule them. Only then can we become one people in love and harmony. LIAM Triumph, that was a beautiful statement. TRIUMPH You think? EVERYONE FOR US TO POOP ON!!! THE END ROLL CREDITS