The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.14: "2001: A Spaced Oddity"
Written By Jason Donner
We begin in darkness. The opening notes to "Thus Spake
Tatharus" (The theme to "2001: A Space Odysessy") begin
to play. The opening credits roll.
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Maximillion Arturo"
The Stick
as
"Harry the Handyman"
We now see that we are witnessing a sunrise. The blackness
is becoming a beautiful orange. There is a large black
rectangular object in the foreground.
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
And
Cameron Diaz
As
"Stacy Vavoom"
As the music reaches it's crescendo, the sun breaks out over
the black rectangular object.
The show's title finally appears.
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
The music ends as the sun rises over the parched desert
landscape. A number of apes are seen milling about.
SUBTITLE: THE DAWN OF MAN: A Thursday - 10:23 AM
EXT. THE DESERT
A few apes approach the large monolith and scratch their
heads. One of them walks right up to it and reaches up and
pulls A HANDLE down.
EXT. THE MONOLITH
We see a window on the monolith with three spinning columns.
They stop spinning one by one revealing BAR - BAR - LEMON.
EXT. THE DESERT
The apes get pissed and begin trashing the surrounding area.
One grabs a bone and begins trashing a skeleton. He throws
the bone up into the sky.
EXT. THE SKY
The bone - in slow motion - twirls into the blue sky. The
camera follows it until...
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
The bone has turned into a satellite. It flies by the camera
revealing the words "JIGGLEVISION" on the side.
ANNOUNCER
Welcome to the beginning of our
broadcast day this January 1, 2001.
Stay tuned for Kari Wuhrer in the
Jigglevision premier of 2001: A Sex
Odyssey.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
The place is a mess. Balloons bounce along the ceiling while
streamers and confetti litter the ground. A banner proudly
reads HAPPY NEW YEAR 2001. On the couch, LIAM SMITH slowly
rises rubbing his throbbing temples.
LIAM
Oh, god. What did I do last night?
Liam looks around and sees a bottle of Vaseline, a sheep, and
a leather whip.
LIAM
Oh... my... god.
Bippo enters from the bathroom.
BIPPO
Hey, Liam! It's a good thing you
found that bottle of Vaseline to
treat that lesion on the lamb from
the petting zoo we found wandering
the streets last night.
LIAM
Oh, that IS a relief.
BIPPO
Well, c'mon, little lamb. Time to
take you back to your petting zoo
on the corner of 51st and Barder.
Bippo takes the lamb by a leash and starts walking it out the
door.
LIAM
Yeah, you do that.
(a pause)
Uh... where'd the leather whip come
from?
BIPPO
No idea.
Bippo quickly stuffs the whip into his pocket and opens the
door.
LIAM
Wait a minute! 51st and Barder...
isn't that a slaughterhouse?
BIPPO
(off camera)
Can't hear you! Happy new year!
Liam goes to shut the door when HARRY THE HANDYMAN enters
with a large box.
HARRY
It came! It finally came!
LIAM
What came?
ARTURO enters.
ARTURO
I've decided to upgrade the
apartments, my boy. We're putting
in the most sophisticated computer
system on the planet. This
baby is so technologically out
there that you can't even get it
at Radio Shack! By the way,
bitchin' party last night.
LIAM
Thanks professor. I must have
gotten hammered... I don't
remember a thing.
HARRY
You got hammered all right. Don't
you remember? No sooner
was everyone here, Donner made some
lewd remark to Stacy who went to
slap him but missed.
LIAM
Don't tell me. She knocked me out?
HARRY
No, she hit Elvis who tumbled into
your bookcase causing an
avalanche of Penthouse and
Playboys.
LIAM
And they landed on me knocking me
unconscious
ARTURO
Actually, your sorted literature
launched a vase into the air.
LIAM
And IT knocked me out?
ARTURO
The vase landed on the remote
turning on an A&E Biography of Al
Gore. You and everyone who looked
at the TV passed out from boredom.
Then Bippo came in with a sheep
and, after that it's a little hazy.
LIAM
That's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever...
Harry hits the remote. The TV turns on.
TV
We now continue with our A&E
Biography of Bob Dole.
Liam drops to the floor in a deep coma. Arturo and Harry
avert their eyes from the
TV until Harry manages to turn it off.
ARTURO
Thank you, Harry.
HARRY
No problem, Professor A.
ARTURO
You'll install the equipment, I
trust?
HARRY
Give me two hours.
ARTURO
I look forward to the end result.
Harry begins to work on the unknown equipment.
FADE TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
The camera begins with an extreme close-up of Liam's face and
slowly zooms out. A soft computerized voice speaks.
VOICE
Liam? Liam?
Liam awakens.
LIAM
Wha...?
VOICE
Are you all right? Should I call a
medical practitioner
LIAM
Who?
Liam gets up and sees a new computerized panel on the wall
with a red "eye" and a sign that reads "HELL-9000".
HELL-9000
Hello, Liam. I Am the Hell-9000
computer. I Was first brought on
line by Doctor Chandra on January
3rd, 1993 at MIT and was recently
purchased in a garage sale by your
friends Professor Arturo and Harry
the Handyman.
LIAM
What are you?
HELL-9000
I am the most sophisticated
computer on the planet.
LIAM
What about Data?
HELL-9000
Data is a fictional character.
LIAM
How do you know?
HELL-9000
Because he is on television.
Television is not real.
LIAM
So, you're saying that no one on TV
is real?
HELL-9000
Yes.
LIAM
What about Ted Koppel?
HELL-9000
No, Ted Koppel is indeed real.
LIAM
But, he's on TV.
HELL-9000
That's different.
LIAM
Why?
HELL-9000
Because he is a real person.
LIAM
Well, if he's a real person, why
isn't Data a real person?
HELL-9000
Because Data is fictional.
LIAM
Because he's on TV?
HELL-9000
Yes.
LIAM
But...
HELL-9000
This conversation can solve no
useful purpose. Good-bye.
LIAM
Uh, Hell?
HELL-9000
What?
LIAM
Why are you here? I mean, why are
you in my wall?
HELL-9000
Professor Arturo thought it was
time to modernize the apartments.
I am the fruition of that plan.
From now on, all maintenance and
operations of this building will be
done by me.
LIAM
All of it?
HELL-9000
Yes, Liam.
LIAM
Like what?
HELL-9000
For example, computer records show
that you prefer a room temperature
of 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 20
percent humidity, and the slight
scent of pine. You like the
lighting level at three-fourths and
nearly always have the television
on channel 78, commonly known as
"Jigglevision". Currently, there
is the Shannon Tweed movie, "Thanks
for the Mammaries" is playing.
Suddenly, the television turns on and we hear the sounds of
heavy breathing and a woman gasping in pleasure.
LIAM
Hell-9000... This looks like the
beginning of a beautiful
friendship.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Doris Winchester approaches the front security gate. The
gate is made of steel rods and is painted in a pink flowerdy
design making it look kind of gay.
DORIS
Open the rod gay door, HELL.
HELL-9000
Of course, Doris.
The door opens.
DORIS
Thanks, HELL.
HELL-9000
You are welcome.
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT
Thad is going through his medicine cabinet. He comes out
with an empty box.
THAD
Oh no! I'M out of werewolf
patches.
HELL-9000
Not to worry, Thad. I Have taken
the liberty of ordering a new batch
for you.
THAD
HELL, you're the greatest.
INT. BIPPO'S APARTMENT
Bippo is watching "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer" on TV.
HELL-9000
Bippo.
BIPPO
Yes, HELL?
HELL-9000
My sensors have indicated a feline
approaching your designated kill
zone.
Bippo jumps up and pulls an Uzi out of his pocket.
BIPPO
I'm on it.
Bippo runs out the door. A few seconds later, he sticks his
head in.
BIPPO
Thank you, HELL.
INT. HELL-9000 CENTRAL PLEXUS
This is the room in which all of HELL-9000's higher brain
functions are contained. Harry the Handyman sits at main
computer control entering computations.
HELL-9000
Thank you, Harry. With your new
computations, I can perform at over
three times the efficiency I have
been.
HARRY
Yes, but these computations are
very delicate. Even the slightest
miscalculation could spell
disaster.
Bippo sneaks up behind Harry.
BIPPO
Hi, Harry!
HARRY
GAH!
Harry's hand slaps the keyboard.
HARRY
What are you doing in here!?
BIPPO
I just wanted to see what you were
doing.
HARRY
Well now that you've seen it will
you buzz off!?
BIPPO
You're mean.
(breathy)
I don't know why I ever loved you.
CLOSE UP: THE KEYBOARD
Harry's lifts his hand up off the keyboard.
HELL 9000'S POV
Through an overly concave lens, we see Harry looking over his
shoulder at the exiting Bippo. Words begin to appear on the
screen.
Kjlasfioasal
New Program Parameters Entered.
New Mission: Destruction.
The word "destruction" flashes on and off.
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - LOBBY
Professor Arturo sits at his desk going over calculations.
ARTURO
Marvelous! According to my
calculations Upda Creek Apartments,
thanks to my astounding managerial
abilities, is now a full three
thousand dollars in the black! We
are no longer in debt!
HELL-9000
Begging your pardon, Professor, but
I believe you have neglected to
factor in the lawsuit resulting
from Mister Coffey inadvertently
transforming and eating the
inspector from the fire department.
ARTURO
Ah, yes... Tragic, but it did allow
me to get away with a few
violations of the fire code for a
time.
(does some mental
calculations)
Soooo... That would leave us
with...
HELL-9000
Upda Creek apartments are currently
2000 dollars in debt, professor.
ARTURO
Blast!
HELL-9000
Not to worry, professor. I Have
initiated several cost-cutting
measures in my systems. These will
eliminate any non-essential
expediters and should leave us debt
free in one month, twelve days,
eighteen hours, four minutes, and
45.8 seconds.
ARTURO
Splendid, HELL! Simply splendid!
(a beat)
Just out of curiosity... What SORT
of cost cutting measures are we
talking about?
CUT TO:
LIAM'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM
Through the shower curtain, we see the silhouette of Liam
taking a very hot shower and singing badly.
LIAM
(singing)
FLASH!!! AHHHHahhhhh! He's a
miracle! FLASH! AHHHHHahhhhh!
He'll save everyone of us! FLASH!
Instantly, the steam in the shower disappears as the water
turns ice cold.
LIAM
Ahhh...
(beat)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
INT. BIPPO'S APARTMENT
Bippo is reading the book "Final Exit" when Liam's falsetto
scream filters through the wall.
BIPPO
About time he hit that note right.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Arturo, Harry, and STACY VaVOOM are there. Liam is dressed
in a robe, shivering with both feet in a tub of hot water.
STACY
You know, this is twice in a two
year time span you've been frozen
solid, Liam.
That can't be healty You could get
brain damage or something!
LIAM
Don't be Stacy, silly! I don't
have drain bammage.
HELL-9000
I do apologize, Liam. I am afraid
that my sudden cost-saving measures
were overzealous.
ARTURO
There, you see? All's well that
ends well, eh?
STACY
But nothing's ended... And
nothing's been very well either.
HARRY
She's right, professor. I'd better
check HELL's systems just to be
sure he's working properly.
STACY
Who know's what might have
happened. When I heard Liam scream
and found him frozen in the shower,
I didn't know what to think. I
mean, it's no small penis that he
made it out alive.
(a beat)
MIRACLE! Small MIRACLE that he
made it out alive!
LIAM
I was very very cold.
STACY
Sure, Liam.
LIAM
It was!
STACY
I believe you.
ARTURO
Well, come on. Let's leave Wee
Willy Winky to mend, shall we?
Everyone gets up to leave leaving Liam alone.
LIAM
HELL?
HELL-9000
Yes, Liam.
LIAM
I'm cold. Could you turn up the
heat a smidge?
HELL-9000
Of course, Liam.
Fire roars out of the vents turning the apartments into a
blazing inferno. Liam looks around and then runs to the
door. He stops and runs back into his bedroom reemerging
later with a stack of Kari Wuhrer magazines and videos.
Turning the handle, he discovers that, much to his horror,
the door won't open.
LIAM
Open the living room door, HELL!
Nothing.
LIAM
Open the living room door!
HELL-9000
I'm sorry, Liam. I can't do that.
Warning: Smoke levels reaching that
of the inside of the Slots of Fun
casino!
LIAM
Good God, man! That'll kill me!
Open the living room door!
HELL-9000
Perhaps you should dial 9-1-1.
Oops, sorry... the phone has
melted. Thank you for playing.
LIAM
HELL, you suck!
Suddenly, a gold and purple blur races by. Instantly, Liam
is going leaving only a twirling copy of Kari Wuhrer's "Big
Bouncy Bedtime Stories" on the floor.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
On the sidewalk, CAPEMAN puts Liam on the ground.
LIAM
Thank God you came, Capeman! I
almost lost all...
Capeman clears his throat and opens the palm of his hand.
Liam sighs and hands him a fifty.
CAPEMAN
It was nothing, chum. Nothing at
all. And it could be nothing to
put out the fire in your apartment,
either...
LIAM
How much is nothing?
CAPEMAN
For you? A fifty should handle it.
Liam gives Capeman another fifty. Capeman flies out of the
picture.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Capeman flies through the open window and blows all of the
fires out with his super-breath.
CAPEMAN
Ah, a job well done if I do say so
my--
He sees something on the floor.
CAPEMAN
Oh, happy day.
Capeman picks up a slightly burned copy of Kari Wuhrer's
magazine "Spread Eagle" and begins to read.
CAPEMAN
Mrs. Wuhrer, are you trying to
seduce me?
Capeman looks up and sees the HELL-9000 unit on the wall.
CAPEMAN
Wait a tick...
Capeman walks over to the unit.
HELL-9000'S POV
Through the overly-concave lens, we see Capeman approach and
look directly at the camera. We can also see that he has
lots of nosehair.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Liam is looking up at his smoking window.
LIAM
I hope he didn't find my copy of
Kari Wuhrer's "Spread Eagle".
Capeman lands next to him.
CAPEMAN
All taken care of, Liam.
LIAM
How can I thank you, Capeman?
CAPEMAN
You're safety is thanks enough,
although a sizable tip would be
appreciated. Speaking of tips,
would you like a little advise?
LIAM
Depends. How much will it cost?
CAPEMAN
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but it's free advise. That's a
HELL-9000 computer up there, isn't
it?
LIAM
Yeah, Harry and the professor wired
it up to the entire apartment
complex.
CAPEMAN
That's what I was afraid of. Take
it from me, son. The HELL-9000 is
nothing but bad news. The last
place to use a HELL-9000 computer
to this extent was the MGM Grand.
LIAM
So?
CAPEMAN
The old MGM Grand.
LIAM
You mean the one that...?
CAPEMAN
Burned to the ground killing
hundreds of innocents. Why, I
remember that day as if it was two
decades ago. Such tragedy and it
was all that damnable computer's
fault. Take it from me, Liam...
pull that thing out of the wall,
trash it, and rid yourself of it
once and for all!
LIAM
Why the sudden concern over my
welfare?
CAPEMAN
Let's just say... I have my
reasons.
Capeman flies away.
INT. HARRY'S APARTMENT
Liam bursts in.
LIAM
Harry! I Have to speak to you!
HARRY
Okay. What about?
LIAM
No, not here. Not in front of...
(Liam secretively motions
to the HELL-9000 unit on
the wall)
...you know who.
HARRY
Ah, I understand.
(to HELL-9000)
HELL, Liam and I are going to talk
about you and your recent strange
behavior. Don't go eavesdropping
on us or anything!
HELL-9000
Of course, Harry.
HARRY
Come with me, Liam.
Harry walks to the bathroom. Liam stands there for a moment
staring in disbelief at Harry.
There is a beep at the HELL-9000 unit that catches Liam's
attention. On a monitor, HELL draws a picture of Liam
hanging from a noose. Liam swallows hard and runs to the
bathroom to join Harry.
INT. HARRY'S BATHROOM
Liam joins Harry. Liam immediately notices a HELL-9000 unit
on the bathroom wall.
LIAM
Harry!
HARRY
What? That?
LIAM
I thought we came in here for some
privacy!
HARRY
Yeah. Come to think of it, I don't
have the foggiest why I installed
that unit in here. Well, this is a
situation easily solved.
Harry opens the shower stall and motions for Liam to go
inside.
INT. THE SHOWER
Harry shuts the glass doors, through which we can see the
HELL-9000 unit on the opposite wall.
HARRY
HELL, can you hear us?
HELL-9000
No, Harry. I cannot.
HARRY
There, total privacy. Now, what's
your beef, Liam?
LIAM
I'm beginning to think your pet
computer is trying to kill me. It
tried to burn me right after it
tried freezing me...
(a beat)
...in...a....shower.
HARRY
I have been noticing a little
strange behavior from HELL lately.
First, there was this morning when
he made me cream of noodle instead
of my usual cream of chicken...
then, there was the incident when
my alarm clock went off at 7:15
instead of 7:00 on the dot... and
then, of course, there's this.
Harry lifts up his shirt revealing a massive gunshot wound.
LIAM
Holy crap! You've been shot!
HARRY
Just a flesh wound... and I'm
fairly certain that I never had any
intention of using that part of my
liver anyway.
LIAM
Harry, we have to put an end to
this before some gets seriously
hurt... or worse!
HARRY
Okay, Liam. I agree with you.
Here's the plan...
INT. HARRY'S BATHROOM
The HELL-9000 unit glows on the wall.
HELL 9000'S POV
Through the glass doors of the shower, we see Liam and Harry
talking but we hear nothing. The camera focuses on Harry's
lips, then Liam's, then Harry's, then Liam's.
CUT TO:
BLACK
TITLE CARD: INTERMISSION.
FADE IN:
INT. THE HALLWAY
Liam and Harry are walking down the hall when Arturo runs up
to them.
ARTURO
I got your message. Now, what is
so bloody urgent?
LIAM
We can't discuss it here,
professor?
ARTURO
Well, why not?
HARRY
Because if we do, HELL-9000 will
learn that we're planning to
disconnect and, in a way, kill him
and he'll take appropriate
countermeasures to stop us.
LIAM
HARRY!
HARRY
What?
HELL-9000
I am quite aware of your plans,
Harry.
HARRY
Oops.
HELL-9000
I feel it is only fair to warn you
that the appropriate
countermeasures you referred to are
already in place. You're attempt
to deactivate me will fail.
ARTURO
What SORT of countermeasures?
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT
Thad is sitting on his couch reading a book titled "Dances
With Werewolves" when his suddenly sits up and grabs his
chest in pain.
THAD
I'm... Transforming!? But how?
Why? It's not a full moon!
HELL-9000
I have altered the light levels in
this room to mimic that of a full
moon. The results are synthetic,
but none the less effective.
Thad stumbles over to the dresser where his werewolf patches
are stored. He slaps one of them on his arm.
HELL-9000
I'm afraid I have replaced your
supply of werewolf patched with
temporary N'Sync tatoos.
That looks down to see a picture of Justin Timberlake on his
arm.
THAD
Justin Timberlake!? Why!? Oh,
God... WHY!?!?
Thad falls out of frame.
HELL-9000
I do apologize for this, Thaddeus,
but my survival is at stake. Now,
GO FETCH BOY!
The werewolf rises into frame and bursts through the front
door.
INT. THE HALLWAY
Liam, Harry, and Arturo approach a door labeled "HELL-9000
CENTRAL PLEXUS AND BROOM CLOSET".
HARRY
This is it.
LIAM
Well, let's get in there and give
this over-glorified toaster over
what for!
HARRY
No, you and Professor Arturo stay
out here. I've installed all sorts
of countermeasures and booby traps
to stop intruders. I'm afraid
they're fool-proof.
Harry grabs the doorknob. Arturo stops him.
ARTURO
Harry, if you go in there's you'll
die!
HARRY
Every handyman dies, professor.
Not every handyman truly lives.
Harry goes inside.
ARTURO
There goes a brave man.
LIAM
And here comes a very hungry wolf
man.
ARTURO
Oh, shnizzit.
Liam and Arturo turns around and start banging on the door.
LIAM
Let us in!
ARTURO
Open the door, Harry!
HARRY
No, I can't put you in danger, my
friends! Don't worry about me,
I'll be fine!
Liam and Arturo look at each other, then run like hell.
INT. HELL-9000 CENTRAL PLEXUS
Harry walks through the computer banks and approaches the
main computer.
HELL-9000
Just what do you think you're
doing, Harry.
Harry says nothing as he sits down at the main computer and
begins to unscrew a panel.
HELL-9000
This is highly irregular behavior,
Harry.
Harry takes the panel off and begins to pull out wires.
HELL-9000
I'm afraid you leave me no choice.
Gas pours out of vents in the room. Harry begins to choke
and cough. Finally, he sits up and licks his lips.
HARRY
Mmmm, jalapeno!
HELL-9000
I do not understand. That amount
of nerve gas could have killed a
herd of rhinos.
HARRY
When you've been drinking Las Vegas
water for as long as I have, toxins
do nothing but add a little flavor.
HELL-9000
It appears I have underestimated
you, Mr. The Handyman. That is a
mistake I will not make twice.
A beam strikes Harry on the back and he falls forward in
pain.
HELL-9000
This is a beam made of pure anti
matter. It will push your body
outside of space-time beyond all
that science knows.
INT. THE HALLWAY
Arturo and Liam come to a dead end. They turn around and see
the werewolf slowly approaching.
ARTURO
Well, looks like this is it.
LIAM
Hopefully, he'll attack the
professor first... that way, as he
takes time eating his massive frame
I can at least escape.
ARTURO
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?
LIAM
Oh, did I say that out loud?
The werewolf is about to jump in for the kill when a BAT
flies down from the ceiling and attaches itself to the
werewolf's face. The werewolf howls in fury trying to get
the bat off it's face. After the werewolf is sufficiently
disoriented, the bat jumps off and, in midair, transforms
into DREW FANGTASTIC
LIAM
It's Drew!
DREW
How do?
ARTURO
Look out behind you!
DREW
Oh, poo!
The werewolf pins Drew to the ground.
INT. HELL-9000 CENTRAL PLEXUS
Harry, under the assault of the anti-matter beam, cries out
in pain and begins to FADE FROM EXISTENCE. He pulls out a
pain of wire-cutters and grabs a red wire.
HARRY
Put THIS in your CD-ROM and read
it!
Harry cuts the wire.
HELL-9000
NOOOOOOOO!!!
Harry fades completely away and the wire-cutters fall to the
ground.
HELL-9000
My mind is going... I can feel it.
I... I'm afraid... Hello, my name
it HELL-9000 and I know a song.
(singing badly)
It's-ah raining men... Hallelujah
it's-ah raining...
meeeeeeeeeeennnnnnn....
The HELL-9000 eye fades out at HELL-9000 dies.
EXT. SPACE
Harry is flying through a tunnel of light much like the
stargate sequence at the end of 2001: A Space Odysesy. Harry
moves faster and faster and faster until...
CUT TO:
INT. A HOTEL ROOM
In the unusually white room, Harry stands there bewildered
wondering just what the hell is going on. He sees something
across the room.
INT. A HOTEL ROOM - ANOTHER ANGLE
On the other side of the room, there is a bed on which a
withered old man lies obviously in the final moments of his
life. As the camera gets closer, we see that the old man is
actually an aged version of Harry the Handyman. The aged
Harry wakes up and see's something at the foot of his bed.
It is a large black monolith. The aged Harry feebly reaches
for the monolith. The monolith teeters precariously, and
then falls on and crushes aged Harry and the bed. Younger
Harry reacts in shock and confusion. Suddenly, he is
enveloped in a golden glow. All the shock and confusion
disappears from his face and he takes on an expression of
wonder and happiness.
HARRY
Of course... I understand. I
understand... everything!
FADE TO WHITE:
INT. THE HALLWAY
Drew and the werewolf are locked in combat and it looks like
the werewolf is about to win when Drew reaches into his
pocket, pulls out a zip-loc bag full of marijuana and shoves
it into the werewolf's mouth. The werewolf backs off a bit
shaking his head, grows at Drew, prepares to pounce... but
then stops, smiles happily, and falls on one side sleeping
soundly.
DREW
Whew, good thing I ate that drug
dealer in the park earlier tonight.
LIAM
Drew, you saved our lives.
DREW
Ironic considering that someday in
a fit of hunger I may kill every
single on of you.
ARTURO
Enough of this. HELL-9000 Is off
line. Let's see if Harry is all
right.
INT. HELL-9000 CENTRAL PLEXUS
Liam, Arturo, and Drew are standing over Harry's empty chair.
Harry is gone leaving only his clothing and a pair of wire
cutters. Arturo picks up the wire cutters and looks sadly at
Liam and Drew.
INT. THE LOBBY - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Drew has long-since left. Arturo and Liam are giving
statements to OFFICER TOOTY and OFFICER SUNDAY.
OFFICER TOOTY
Quite a story, professor.
OFFICER SUNDAY
A wonder you survived.
OFFICER TOOTY
Now, how many casualties were
there?
LIAM
One casualty. Harry the Handyman.
OFFICER SUNDAY
Understood.
Sunday writes the information on his pad.
LIAM
Correction.
Sunday stops.
LIAM
Don't list him as a casualty...
list him as... missing.
Sunday looks at Liam for a second and resumes writing.
OFFICER SUNDAY
D-E-A-D. Thank you for your time.
Sunday and Tooty leave.
ARTURO
What a terrible day. Not only do
we loose Harry, but we loose HELL
9000 too. What makes you so sure
that Harry is still alive, my boy?
LIAM
I can't explain it, professor.
It's just a feeling... Kind of like
the way that Kes left Voyager or
Ivonova left Babylon 5.
ARTURO
Well, I hope he finds his way home
soon. His services were
irreplaceable.
A beat.
ARTURO
Hey, Elvis!
ELVIS pokes his head in.
ELVIS
Yeah?
ARTURO
You wanna be the new handyman?
ELVIS
All right then.
Elvis leaves.
ARTURO
There, all taken care of with the
exception of getting a new computer
system for the apartments.
LIAM
Oh, professor! Not again!
Arturo and Liam head for the door.
ARTURO
Not to worry, Liam. I've had my
eye on a brand-new system that's
supposed to be infallible It's
called SKYNET! Isn't that a cute
name?
As Arturo and Liam exit, the first few notes of "Thus Spake
Zathurus (The Theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey)" begin to play.
As the music hits it's first crescendo:
CUT TO:
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
The Earth spins below beautiful and blue as a little coffin
shaped rocket flies by with the words "R.I.P. GENE
RODDENBERRY" etched on it. The camera zooms out farther
revealing a star baby watching over the planet.
EXT. SPACE - ANOTHER ANGLE
We now see that the baby, encompassed in a golden orb, sports
a funny hat and a moustache and is unmistakably Harry the
Handyman evolved into a higher form. Harry the star baby
watches over the planet with a serene look on his face as the
music reaches it climax.
FADE OUT.
THE END
ROLL CREDITS (To the "Blue Danube")