The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.17 - "Capeman: Day of the D.O.N.G."
Written by Jason Donner
PREVIOUSLY ON THE LIAM SMITH SHOW:
INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE
Senestra is looking at a strange device on her desk.
Rock and Tank look on.
ROCK
What's dat thingy?
SENESTRA
You know, I built it in my sleep
last night I have no clue
whatsoever what it does. Weird,
huh?
SENESTRA
Intriguing. It appears I have
invented a technology that
stimulates the pleasure centers of
the brain.
Seigfried and Roy begin to fight over the devise. Sesetra
walks over and casually picks it up off the floor.
SENESTRA
Ah, and it's highly addictive as
well!
SENESTRA
What's it called? Uh, it's called
a, uh...
(an idea)
A Personal Electronic Neuron
Inhibitor System.
(a pause)
Yes, I know it's a little wordy,
but we can just use an anagram.
EXT. A STORE - A FEW WEEKS LATER
A clerk puts up a sign that reads P.E.N.I.S FOR SALE NOW!
The camera zooms back to reveal Senestra standing there
shaking her head.
SENESTRA
I've really gotta start writing
those anagrams down first.
INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE
Senestra, Rock, and Tank look at dozens of news reports about
the P.E.N.I.S. devises. Senestra laughs.
SENESTRA
Yes, my plan is working brilliantly
Those simpering fools don't even
realize that they've all become
addicted to the effects of the
P.E.N.I.S. devises.
ROCK
So, what are you gonna do next,
Miss Malevolous?
SENESTRA
Simple, my quivering pile of pre
protoplasmic fluid in stooped-over
human form, I'm going to deactivate
them!
TANK
D'ah, you're going to turn them all
off?
SENESTRA
Yessssssss! With every P.E.N.I.S.
in the world down, the population
will slip into panic and I,
Senestra Malevolous will step in
and take control! World
domination: I can taste it! It's
buttery!
INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT
The professor is sitting in a chair with his P.E.N.I.S. when
the antenae on top droops down and the lights on the devise
goes out.
ARTURO
What the...!? My... My P.E.N.I.S.
has gone limp!
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - LOBBY
The residents are all coming out of their apartments holding
their non-working P.E.N.I.S.'s. DORIS, KEVIN, BIPPO, THAD,
ELVIS, and ARTURO are present.
KEVIN
This is horrible! Is there any
working P.E.N.I.S. in the
building!?
ARTURO
BLAST! I want a P.E.N.I.S. and I
need it now! I'd do anything for a
P.E.N.I.S.!
THAD
That's it! I gave a P.E.N.I.S. to
Liam! I bet IT'S still working!
ARTURO
That... BASTARD! Let's GET HIM!
EVERYONE
YEAH!
Everyone runs out the door.
EXT. THE UPPER ATMOSPHERE
Capeman stops and motions for the others to stop as well.
ULTRAWOMAN
What's wrong, Capeman?
CAPEMAN
Some sort of worldwide disaster,
Ultrawoman!
BLUE FAIRY
See? I told you this would happen
if we all went to Mars at once!
CAPEMAN
We all didn't go to Mars at once!
We left Collosal Chunk and Decoy
here to watch things.
EXT. A HOUSE IN THE MOUNTAINS
The heros fly down to the front door and ring the doorbell.
COLLOSAL CHUNK bursts through the door swinging his fists in
fury.
COLLOSAL CHUNK
CHUNK SMASH! CHUNK SMASH!
ULTRAWOMAN
Great galaxies! Collosal Chunk has
gone mad!
WHAM! Capeman is clobbered by Collosal Chunk!
COLLOSAL CHUNK
CAPEMAN REASON P.E.N.I.S. NOT WORK!
CAPEMAN MUST DIE!!!
Collosal Chunk grabs Capeman and holds him up by his throat.
COLLOSAL CHUNK
DIE, CAPEMAN! DIE!
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS is riding down the strip in a hummer with
a tight military uniform on and a control pad in her hand.
She watches the devastation and a smile crosses her face.
She pulls out a bullhorn and begins to address the rioting
crowds around here.
SENESTRA
PEOPLE OF LAS VEGAS, I'M AM
SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS.
(a beat)
HI, HOW ARE YA? I COULDN'T HELP
BUT NOTICE THAT YOUR PRECIOUS
P.E.N.I.S.'S HAVE STOPPED WORKING.
I CAN MAKE THEM WORK AGAIN! I CAN
MAKE YOU ALL HAPPY AGAIN! ALL I
ASK IS THAT YOU ALL WORSHIP ME AND
MAKE ME THE UNQUESTIONABLE DICTATOR
OF THE ENTIRE PLANET!
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is holding the door shut as Arturo, Thad, Bippo, Elvis,
Kevin, and Doris try to break it down. Suddenly, the sound
to a chainsaw cuts through the air.
LIAM
I can't believe it! I'm going to
be killed by my best friends all
because they want to possess my
P.E.N.I.S.! Well, I ain't going
down without a fight! If you
bastards want my P.E.N.I.S., you're
going to have to take it over my
dead body!
The chainsaw slices through the door which falls in pieces to
the ground.
BIPPO
THAT can be easily arranged!
AND NOW THE CONCLUSION...
EXT. A HOUSE IN THE MOUNTAINS
Collosal Chunk rips a redwood tree out of the ground and
prepares to crush Capeman with it when all of the sudden, he
is enveloped by a red beam. Chunk blinks, puts down the
tree, and helps Capeman up.
COLLOSAL CHUNK
Chunk sorry, Capeman. Chunk appear
to be only pawn in evil game of
world domination.
ULTRAWOMAN
Chunk, you're back to your usual
dim self, but who...!?
A man in a black leather suit and cape jumps out of the
trees. His chest emblem is an upside down pink triangle and
he looks very similar to Batman. He is NIGHTFLYER.
CAPEMAN
Nightflyer!
ULTRAWOMAN
Oh, great... it's the Dork Knight.
NIGHTFLYER
Are you hurt, Capeman?
CAPEMAN
No. I'm nigh invulnerable,
remember? What's going on here,
Nightflyer?
NIGHTFLYER
What do you mean "what's going on?"
Where have you been, Mars? The
entire Earth has been driven to
madness due to devices called
Personal Electronic Neuron
Inhibitor Systems. P.E.N.I.S. for
short.
BLUE FAIRY
Why don't they ever check those
acronyms first?
NIGHTFLYER
The world's in chaos. Thankfully,
I've been hiding... Uh, I mean...
in seclusion trying to reverse the
effects and I think I've done so.
Nightflyer holds up a gun.
NIGHTFLYER
This is what I used to put Collosal
Chunk back into his right mind if
you can call his mind right, that
is. It's a Direct Orientation
Neutralizing Gun. D.O.N.G. for
short.
Capeman takes the gun.
CAPEMAN
Nice craftsmanship.
NIGHTFLYER
Be careful, my D.O.N.G. is very
sensitive to jerking movements.
Captain Spaz and Blue Fairy give each other a look and a
smirk.
CAPEMAN
Well, it's cute Nightflyer, but I'm
afraid we're going to need a bigger
D.O.N.G. than yours to satisfy the
needs of the world.
NIGHTFLYER
Yes, but I've discovered that it's
not the size of your D.O.N.G. that
matters, it's how you use it.
ULTRAWOMAN
Yeah, right.
NIGHTFLYER
All we have to do is insert my
D.O.N.G. into the access port of
the International Space Station.
The station contain's a Vertical
Aligning Geosynchronous
Initializing NASA Array. When the
D.O.N.G. is inserted, it will
stimulate the array leading to a
climax that will rock the world.
ULTRAWOMAN
(sighs)
If only it was that simple.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
B-But this will stop everyone from
going crazy, right?
NIGHTFLYER
Theoretically.
CAPEMAN
No time to talk. Ultrawoman,
Nightflyer, and I will handle the
D.O.N.G. Collosal Chunk, Captain
Spaz, and Blue Fairy will try to
stop any bloodshed on Earth. Got
it? NIGHTFLYER! Point your
D.O.N.G. somewhere else!
NIGHTFLYER
Sorry. So, are we having our first
official team up?
CAPEMAN
Yes. Who knows what might spin off
of this little adventure.
ULTRAWOMAN
Well, it's funny you should say
that, because I want you to...
CAPEMAN
No time! Tell me later!
Capeman grabs Nightflyer and, with Ultrawoman, fly into the
sky. Captain Spaz looks at Blue Fairy and Collosal Chunk.
BLUE FAIRY
I guess the only town that isn't
protected by a superhero right now
is Las Vegas.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Then let's jet!
They all pile into the Decoymobile and take off.
-----------
THEME SONG (Sung to the chorus of "American Pie")
Oooo, Ooooo... this here Capeman dude,
He likes money, kinda funny, and he's super rude,
But know he's joined forces with some super stups,
I hope this puts you in a good mood...
Yeah, I hope this puts you in a good mood.
OLE!
-----------
INT. THE DECOYMOBILE
Collosal Chunk, Blue Fairy, and Captain Spaz are crushed
together.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
N-N-Not a comfortable fit, huh?
COLLOSAL CHUNK
Chunk's leg asleep.
Long pause.
BLUE FAIRY
That's an... Interesting emblem on
Nightflyer's chest, huh?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
The pink triangle?
BLUE FAIRY
You know it means he's a...
Blue Fairy does the limp wrist thing.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
What!? I mean, I thought you were!
BLUE FAIRY
You thought I was what?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Well... I Thought you were... You
know... Gay.
BLUE FAIRY
(offended)
I AM NOT GAY! WHAT MADE YOU THINK
I WAS GAY!?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Well, for one thing... You live in
San Francisco
BLUE FAIRY
Oh, that is such a stupid reason
to... Ugh, LOT'S of straight people
live in San Francisco
CAPTAIN SPAZ
And another thing, you're dressed
up in blue tights, a tutu, and your
called THE BLUE FAIRY!!!
Blue Fairy glares at him.
BLUE FAIRY
For your information, I am called
the Blue Fairy because I was
bestowed this magic wand by the
wind of the willow people, commonly
called "fairies". Usually, it's a
position reserved for the women of
my family, but my generation was
all male and I was deemed the most
worthy. You think I WANT to be
called "The Blue Fairy"? You think
I like dressing like this? NO!
Let me tell you something, Spaz, I
was granted this magic wand... Not
a hammer, not a cosmic rod, not a
green ring... A magic fairy wand
that turns me into a FAIRY dressed
in BLUE and that makes me, believe
it or not, the BLUE FAIRY!!!
SEXUAL ORIENTATION HAS NOTHING TO
DO WITH IT!!!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Okay.
(a beat)
So, Nightflyer is...?
Captain Spaz does the limp wrist thing.
BLUE FAIRY
Oh, totally. He's in denial
though... In the closet, if you
will... But anyone with a penchant
for black leather, pink triangles,
and young sidekicks named Robin HAS
to be a little on the fruity side.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
W-Wow, the things you learn.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
ARTURO, CHOCOLATE TREAT, KEVIN, DORIS, THAD, BIPPO, and ELVIS
are piled on top of the unseen LIAM SMITH trying to take away
his P.E.N.I.S.. THAD Pokes his head up from the melee.
THAD
Uh, guys?
Arturo pokes his head up. Everyone else continues pounding
in a sea of flying kicks and punches.
ARTURO
Yes, Thaddus?
THAD
I haven't hit Liam in at least five
minutes. Are you sure he's still
in there?
Arturo looks down. He's not sure.
ARTURO
Hold on, I'll check.
Arturo dives back into the fight. Thad continues to look
around. After a few seconds, Arturo pops back up.
ARTURO
I haven't seen him, but Bippo said
that he think that he's biting
Liam's leg.
THAD
No, that's my leg he's biting.
Professor, I hate to say this, but
I don't think Liam is down there.
Arturo looks down and looks back at Thad.
ARTURO
My dear boy, I do believe you are
right.
Arturo begins clapping his hands.
ARTURO
Okay, okay! Break it up!
Slowly the punching, kicking, and biting subsides. And
everyone stands.
DORIS
What is it, professor?
ARTURO
Thad and I have come to a rather
embarrassing conclusion. It seems
that during our bloodthirsty
fisticuffs, he have allowed Mister
Smith to escape unnoticed.
ELVIS
That's the stupidest thing I've
ever heard. We've been beating him
for a half hour! There's not way
in hell he could have...
Elvis looks around.
ELVIS
Okay... All right... He's not here,
but that proves nothing!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Dammit! Liam's escaped and he's
taken his P.E.N.I.S. With him!
Selfish bastard! He could have at
least let me hold it for a minute!
BIPPO
Okay, here's what we do... The six
of us need to search the
apartments. If he's not here,
we...
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Seven.
BIPPO
What?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
There's seven of us.
BIPPO
How?
KEVIN
You forgot to count yourself.
BIPPO
Right. The seven of us search the
apartments. If he's not here, we
widen our search to the strip.
ARTURO
It appears Liam has the last
working P.E.N.I.S. in the city and
if the population finds out, then
God help him.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP - NIGHT
Liam is walking alone in a trench coat through the wandering
and lost mob of people. Suddenly, an OLD WOMAN jumps on him.
OLD WOMAN
YOU must have a P.E.N.I.S., Young
man! Let me have it!
LIAM
Gah! Get away!
Liam backs away from the old woman, but trips over a vagrant
in the street. After he hits the ground, his P.E.N.I.S.
falls out of his coat and lands on the ground. The second it
does, everyone on the strip turns and looks at the flashing
device.
OLD WOMAN
I KNEW IT!
(screaming)
P.E.N.I.S.!!!
Liam scoops up his P.E.N.I.S. and runs for it, but a growing
mob cuts him off. He is surrounded on all sides and there is
no escape from the mob who looks like there about to tear him
limb from limb. Suddenly, a HEARSE crashes it's way through
the crowd. It stops just short of Liam and the door swings
open revealing TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG.
TRIUMPH
GET IN!!!
Liam is in no position to argue, he leaps into the herse
which tears it's way through the crowd and careens down the
strip and out of sight.
INT. THE HERSE
Liam is breathing hard and slumped in the seat. He looks
over and sees DREW FANGTASTIC at the wheel and Triumph in the
back.
LIAM
Triumph? Drew?
TRIUMPH
That was a close one, no?
LIAM
Yes. What's going on here?
TRIUMPH
It's the P.E.N.I.S., Liam. They're
addictive and the world has been
hooked on them. Now that cow bitch
Senestra Malevolous is using that
addiction to take over the world!
LIAM
Why is my P.E.N.I.S. still working
when everyone else's stopped?
TRIUMPH
Stamina?
DREW
The P.E.N.I.S. responds to a remote
radio beam that gives it orders.
My guess is that the layers and
layers of lead paint and asbestos
in your apartment blocked that
beam.
LIAM
Drew? Why are you doing this? Why
are you helping me?
DREW
What are you talking about? I
never helped you!
LIAM
You helped me in hell!
DREW
I had my own agenda.
LIAM
You saved me and the professor from
Thad when the HELL-9000 computer
made him wolf out!
DREW
I hate werewolves and it just gave
me a chance to kick the shaggy
cur's arse!
LIAM
And NOW you saved me from the mob.
DREW
Triumph needed a driver and he paid
me. Besides... now I can do this!
The hearse runs down twelve girl scouts.
LIAM
Okay, but there's just one thing I
don't understand.
DREW
One thing?
LIAM
If the P.E.N.I.S. is addictive as
you say it is, how come we're not
affected?
TRIUMPH
I case you have not noticed, Liam,
I am a dog. The P.E.N.I.S. is only
effective on humans. Drew is
dead...
DREW
...and loving it!
TRIUMPH
...and not affected either. You,
however, Liam... ARE addicted.
LIAM
Addicted? I am NOT! That's the
stupidest thing I've ever heard,
I...
Drew snatches the P.E.N.I.S. out of Liam's hand.
LIAM
GIVE ME BACK MY P.E.N.I.S. YOU SON
OF A BITCH VAMPIRE BASTARD OR I'LL
KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE!
Drew tosses it back.
DREW
Not addicted, huh? Denial ain't
just a river in Egypt, Liam!
LIAM
(shocked)
My God, I AM addicted!
DREW
Don't feel bad, Liam. I once got
addicted after eating a hippie at
Woodstock... or was it a deadhead
at a Grateful Dead concert? Well,
the details are a bit fuzzy... I
was pretty stoned.
LIAM
Where are you taking me?
TRIUMPH
I phoned a friend about your
P.E.N.I.S. and he told me to bring
you to his base camp. There, we
will bring this nightmare to a
close.
EXT. THE ROAD
The hearse zooms down the road.
LIAM
(VO)
Uh... Drew? Where did you get this
car from?
DREW
(VO)
Oh, I borrowed it from some guy I
had for lunch.
EXT. EARTH ORBIT
Capeman, Ultrawoman, and Nightflyer fly to the International
Space Station. Nightflyer is wearing a helmet and looks a
little mad.
NIGHTFLYER
How... could you just... FORGET!?
CAPEMAN
I said I was sorry.
NIGHTFLYER
How could you forget I couldn't
breathe in space!?
CAPEMAN
I just did, okay?
NIGHTFLYER
...And My turning blue and going
into convulsions didn't tip you
off?
CAPEMAN
Well, they did after Ultrawoman
suggested that you were
axsphixiated and then explained to
me what asphyxiated meant.
NIGHTFLYER
How do you two do it, anyway?
ULTRAWOMAN
Do what?
NIGHTFLYER
Breathe in space? I mean, I just
found out first hand that there's
no air up here! I'm wearing about
twenty layers of NASA approved
steel-mesh clothing and you're both
wearing skin-tight spandex! How do
you do it?
ULTRAWOMAN
Simple, silly. We don't breathe.
NIGHTFLYER
You don't breathe? Simple as that?
CAPEMAN
Simple as that, mortal.
NIGHTFLYER
I asked you not to call me that.
CAPEMAN
What, mortal?
NIGHTFLYER
YES, mortal! Stop calling me...
CAPEMAN
Mortal, mortal, mortal, mortal,
mortal, mortal, mortal, mortal,
mortal, mortal, mortal, mortal,
mortal... (ect.)
NIGHTFLYER
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! (ect.)
EXT. EARTH ORBIT - LONG SHOT
Capeman and Nightflyer continue their childish argument as
they and Ultrawoman approach the International Space Station.
INT. INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION - AIRLOCK - MOMENTS LATER
Nightflyer has taken off his space suit and he, Capeman, and
Ultrawoman walk out of the airlock. The space station looks
eerily deserted.
CAPEMAN
(to Nightflyer)
Remember, thou art mortal!
Remember, thou art mortal!
Remember, thou art mortal!
Remember, thou art mortal!
NIGHTFLYER
Oh, blow it out your...
ULTRAWOMAN
QUIET!
Capeman and Nightflyer stop.
NIGHTFLYER
What is it, Ultrawoman?
ULTRAWOMAN
Doesn't it seem strange that the
International Space Station is dark
and scary? Doesn't it seem strange
that no one has come to greet us?
CAPEMAN
You're right, it does.
(a beat)
Well, let's do what we came for!
We have a P.E.N.I.S.-starved world
down there awaiting a shot from
Nightflyer's D.O.N.G..
ULTRAWOMAN
Shouldn't we at least investigate?
CAPEMAN
Probably, but who's got the time?
A video monitor flashes to life revealing SENESTRA
MALEVOLOUS.
SENESTRA
Oh, but I think you should make the
time.
CAPEMAN
SENESTRA! FIEND! I should have
known that my archiest of arch
enemies was behind this!
NIGHTFLYER
(silently)
Doofus... we KNEW she was behind
this.
CAPEMAN
What!? For how long!?
ULTRAWOMAN
Since the beginning!
CAPEMAN
Why wasn't I told!?
NIGHTFLYER
BECAUSE YOU WERE THERE WHEN WE
FOUND OUT!
CAPEMAN
Look, I think I would remember if I
was...
SENESTRA
Excuse me! Remember me? You know?
Sexy super-villian and recent
recipient of the title of world
wide dictator?
CAPEMAN
Right, sorry Senestra. What were
you saying?
SENESTRA
Right. You're probably curious as
to the whereabouts of the space
station crew, yes?
CAPEMAN
No... Uh, I mean... Yes!
SENESTRA
Let's just say that I saw
Nightflyer's D.O.N.G. from a mile
away and set up a little
contingency plan in case he tried
to use it. Lucky me that my hated
enemy is there to perish with him.
CAPEMAN
Oh dear... you're talking about me,
aren't you?
SENESTRA
Who do you think I'm talking about,
Judge Judy! OF COURSE YOU!!!
Ultrawoman butts in.
ULTRAWOMAN
What have you done with the crew,
you harlot!?
SENESTRA
(unimpressed)
And you are...!?
ULTRAWOMAN
Ultrawoman.
SENESTRA
Never heard of you.
ULTRAWOMAN
I'm new.
SENESTRA
Look on the bright side, toots.
You'll never get old.
The monitor goes black.
NIGHTFLYER
What do you think she meant by
that?
CAPEMAN
I don't know, but something smells
like ass around here.
There is a menacing hiss. Capeman, Nightflyer, and
Ultrawoman turn around to see three ALIENS (like the ones
from the Sigourney Weaver movies) behind them. They are all
wearing collars that say "PROPERTY OF MALEVOLOUS LABS - IF
FOUND, PLEASE CALL 1-800-BIG-MONSTER".
NIGHTFLYER
I would not have predicted this.
The aliens pounce upon the three heros.
EXT. THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT
The black hearse pulls up in front of an army-like tent and
TRIUMPH, DREW, and LIAM jump out.
INT. THE TENT
CAPTAIN SPAZ, BLUE FAIRY, and COLOSSAL CHUNK are inside going
over plans.
BLUE FAIRY
Okay, here's the deal. The Big
Apple is trying to keep order in
New York while the Texan is
quelling the rioting in Austin. I
Think we can coordinate Superguy
and the Black Puma in a frontal
assault against...
Triumph and Drew escort Liam in. Liam is clutching his
P.E.N.I.S.
COLLOSAL CHUNK
Puppy!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Not just any puppy, it's Triumph
the Insult Comic Dog!
BLUE FAIRY
Triumph... I got your message.
Who are your friends?
TRIUMPH
Blue Fairy, this is Liam Smith and
Drew Fantastic.
BLUE FAIRY
Drew Fangtastic. I've heard of
you. Hell has not taken your
escape lightly.
DREW
And well they shouldn't.
BLUE FAIRY
You scare me.
DREW
Good.
TRIUMPH
EX-CUSE ME! I have news!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
What, Triumph?
TRIUMPH
Liam's P.E.N.I.S. Was somehow
shielded from the shutdown. It's
still working, right Liam?
LIAM
That's right and the only way
you'll get my P.E.N.I.S. is if you
pry it out of my cold-dead hands!
BLUE FAIRY
Interesting. Nightflyer postulated
that a P.E.N.I.S. could be
protected in a rubber bag or
something. I see that his
prediction was correct.
DREW
Look, it's not like I care for
humanity or anything, but don't you
think you can study Liam's
P.E.N.I.S., see how it works, and
use that to your advantage?
BLUE FAIRY
You do have a point, child of the
night. Liam, I want your
P.E.N.I.S.
LIAM
Not THIS again! NO!
Liam runs to a corner, grabs a knife, and begins to slash at
the others.
LIAM
You want my P.E.N.I.S.? COME AND
GET IT!
Blue Fairy approaches Liam.
BLUE FAIRY
Liam, I know you're afraid. We all
are, but you're going to have to
trust us. Trust is a very
important thing in crisis because
it - NOW CHUNK!
Collosal Chunk bops Liam on the head knocking Liam out like a
light.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
G-G-Good work, Blue Fairy.
BLUE FAIRY
Trust my ass, this is an emergency!
Blue Fairy takes Liam's P.E.N.I.S. and begins to take it
apart.
INT. INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION
Capeman, Ultrawoman, and Nightflyer are all battling the
aliens. One of the Aliens breathes and hisses in Capeman's
face, causing the hero to offer the beast a tic-tac. The
alien chomps the entire box and proceeds to swat at Capeman.
CAPEMAN
You know, this kind of reminds me
about that Sigorney Weaver movie
with the alien on the ship and the
alien killed all of the crew when
the alien burst out of that guy's
chest! I think it was called
"Galaxy Quest"!
The aliens are beating the heroes senseless.
ULTRAWOMAN
I've never fought anything this
tough before! It's as if Senestra
studied our weaknesses and
fashioned these creatures to
exploit them!
NIGHTFLYER
Impossible! I don't have any
superpowers or weaknesses to
exploit! I rely on my keen
intellect and...
One of the aliens points to Nightflyer's chest.
NIGHTFLYER
What? Do I have something on my
shirt?
He looks down and the alien thumps his nose.
NIGHTFLYER
OW! DAMMIT! The first three times
were cute, but now it's getting
annoying!
CAPEMAN
There's no way we can beat them
through sheer force!
Ultrawoman gets an idea.
ULTRAWOMAN
Then let's use our brains!
CAPEMAN
OUCH! That's always been my
Achilles heel!
ULTRAWOMAN
(mumbles something
obscene)
NIGHTFLYER! Put on your spacesuit!
Capeman! Cover Nightflyer!
CAPEMAN
With what?
ULTRAWOMAN
KEEP THE ALIENS OFF HIS BACK,
NUMBNUTS!!!
CAPEMAN
Roger!
Capeman takes two of the aliens giving Nightflyer time to get
to his spacesuit. He begins putting it on.
ULTRAWOMAN
You have ten seconds, Nightflyer!
NIGHTFLYER
Until what!?
ULTRAWOMAN
You said it yourself! You're
mortal and have no superpowers!
These monsters are powerful, but
are still biological and biological
life-forms all have one thing in
common!
NIGHTFLYER
(puts on helmet)
They taste like chicken?
ULTRAWOMAN
THEY HAVE TO BREATHE!
Ultrawoman blasts a hole in the side of the International
Space Station creating a hull breach. Two of the aliens are
immediately sucked out into space while the third grabs
Ultrawoman by the leg and hangs on for dear life.
CAPEMAN
Hang on, Ultrawoman!
Capeman flies over and prepares to punch the alien.
CAPEMAN
GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!!!
BLAMMO! Capeman lands a punch and the alien tumbles out into
space and into a firery death as they re-enter the
atmosphere. Capeman helps Ultrawoman up.
CAPEMAN
You okay?
ULTRAWOMAN
I'm fine. Thank you.
CAPEMAN
Don't think me. Wait until you get
my bill.
Ultrawoman glares at him.
CAPEMAN
Okay, let's say that one's on the
house.
NIGHTFLYER
Excuse me, kids... I really hate to
interrupt the potential romantic
thing you two seem to have going on
here, but I really think we should
save the world now.
CAPEMAN
Right.
INT. INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION - ANOTHER MODULE
Capeman, Ultrawoman, and Nightflyer push open the airlock and
go inside. Nightflyer points.
NIGHTFLYER
There it is! The Vertical Aligning
Geosynchronous Initializing NASA
Array!
INSERT SHOT - THE ACCESS PORT IS LABELED V.A.G.I.N.A.
ULTRAWOMAN
...just when you think you can't
sink any lower.
CAPEMAN
Well, don't just stand there,
Willard! Activate your...
ULTRAWOMAN
Willard?
Nightflyer casts a nasty glace at Capeman.
NIGHTFLYER
Oh... Great secret identity I had
once, IDIOT!
CAPEMAN
Sorry... it just slipped out.
ULTRAWOMAN
Look, just put your D.O.N.G. in the
access port!
Nightflyer walks over and puts the D.O.N.G. inside.
CAPEMAN
CAREFUL! Just... Just go slow.
NIGHTFLYER
(sighs)
Fine.
The D.O.N.G. Clicks.
NIGHTFLYER
SUCCESS!
A video monitor flashes on. It's Senestra Malevolous again.
SENESTRA
I've afraid not, Nightlight.
NIGHTFLYER
Nightflyer.
SENESTRA
Whatever.
ULTRAWOMAN
You've lost, Senestra! Even now
we're breaking the world of their
P.E.N.I.S. addiction! Well,
everyone but Madonna but, you know,
that's comparing apples to oranges.
SENESTRA
You fools! Have you not yet
realized that the aliens were
merely a distraction? Hell, they
were just steroid enhanced members
of the Romanian women's swim team
in rubber suits! No, I had to
keep you occupied while one of my
associates on the space station
booby-traped the array.
CAPEMAN
You mean...?
SENESTRA
(wicked grin)
BOOM!
Capeman grabs Nightflyer and Ultrawoman.
EXT. INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION
The space station explodes in a great fireball.
INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE
SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS is sitting at her desk watching a
monitor. On the screen, the space station explodes and
Senestra jumps up hooting and hollering.
SENESTRA
I DID IT!!! I FINALLY KILLED THAT
BLASTED CAPEMAN!!! ROCK, TANK!
DANCE WITH ME!
Senestra, Rock, and Tank join hands and begin skipping in a
circle singing "No more Capeman" over and over and over
again. After a minute, SIEGFRIED AND ROY join in.
EXT. OUTER SPACE ORBIT
Pieces of the destroyed space station fly past the camera.
We pan over and see CAPEMAN holding ULTRAWOMAN and
NIGHTFLYER. All three look confused.
ULTRAWOMAN
What... the hell... just happened?
CAPEMAN
Well, the space station blew up and-
ULTRAWOMAN
I KNOW the space station blew up!
What I mean is, why are we still
alive and not several thousand
charred pieces of meat flying in a
dozen different directions?
CAPEMAN
Oh, that was me.
NIGHTFLYER
You?
CAPEMAN
Yeah. Funny, huh? Apparently, I
have the ability to create small
force-feild around myself that
saved you two from the explosion.
NIGHTFLYER
I never knew that!
CAPEMAN
Hey, it's news to me too, Willard.
ULTRAWOMAN
Capeman, you're behaving like you
don't even understand all of your
powers. Don't you think that's a
little strange?
CAPEMAN
Probably, but we can't worry about
that right now. Right now, there's
an entire world in peril and we
just lost the one way to save it.
NIGHTFLYER
No, there's another way... There
has to be!
ULTRAWOMAN
Let's meet up with Blue Fairy and
the others. Maybe they've come up
with something.
Capeman, Ultrawoman, and Nightflyer swoop into the
atmosphere.
INT. THE TENT
Colossal Chunk, Drew, Captain Spaz, Triumph, and Blue Fairy
are present. Liam is still out cold. Blue Fairy has the
P.E.N.I.S. in several hundred pieces across the table. Most
of it is still connected and working.
BLUE FAIRY
Interesting.
TRIUMPH
What is it?
BLUE FAIRY
Apparently, the P.E.N.I.S. works by
stimulating the hypothalamus gland
in the brain and activating the
pleasure centers. If I could make
a few adjustments, I could have it
stimulate another part of the brain
and produce a different response!
Capeman, Ultrawoman, and Nightflyer enter.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
T-T-They're back! Did to transmit
the D.O.N.G. signal?
NIGHTFLYER
We couldn't. Senestra destroyed
the space station before we had a
chance.
DREW
Then it's over?
Capeman glares at Drew.
CAPEMAN
Yeah, so what are you going to do,
Bloodsucker? Take Senestra's side
now? It would be the safe way to
go since it looks like she's going
to win, and-
DREW
What are you talking about?
ULTRAWOMAN
Capeman!
Capeman stops.
CAPEMAN
Sorry. I Just don't like vampires.
Reminds me of my old agent. I
think I have to sit down.
Captain Spaz walks over to Ultrawoman.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Ultrawoman? What's with the big
guy?
ULTRAWOMAN
He used a power he'd never used or
known about before to save us up on
the space station. I think it's
taxed him more than we realized...
But there's something I can't put
my finger on... Something not quite
right about him.
NIGHTFLYER
Doy, Ultrawoman!
Blue Fairy takes Nightflyer's D.O.N.G.
NIGHTFLYER
Blue Fairy! You don't just grab a
man's D.O.N.G. like that!
BLUE FAIRY
I'll be careful with it. How does
it work?
NIGHTFLYER
It's simple. It triggers a
response in the hypothalamus that
causes the brain's apathy centers
to active.
An idea.
BLUE FAIRY
It works just like a P.E.N.I.S.,
but triggers a different response!
APATHY! It makes people tired of
the P.E.N.I.S. just like they get
tired of any old fad! Fellahs,
we're still in the game!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
H-How so?
BLUE FAIRY
All we have to do is figure out a
way to transmit the D.O.N.G. signal
over a limited range and not hit
the entire planet at once.
ULTRAWOMAN
How do we do that?
Blue Fairy holds up the P.E.N.I.S..
BLUE FAIRY
With THIS! Each one of these
little babies carries a small
transmitter in them. If we
transmit the D.O.N.G. to those
transmitters, we can reactivate
them and transmit the apathy
signal! Apathy will blanket the
globe transmitted from P.E.N.I.S.
to P.E.N.I.S.!
He puts the P.E.N.I.S. back on the table.
ULTRAWOMAN
You're suggesting we use the
P.E.N.I.S. against itself? Blue
Fairy, that's brilliant
DREW
It's sick. Why don't you people
ever check your anagrams first!?
Captain Spaz is looking out the window.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Guys? We have a little problem
here!
All of the heroes, Triumph, and Drew race to the window and
look out.
EXT. THE DESERT
Outside the tent, the entire population of Las Vegas is
marching towards the hero's stronghold. At the front, in her
hummer is SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS with a bullhorn.
SENESTRA
MY LOYAL SUBJECTS! KILL THE...
Uh... what the hell is this group
of super-loosers called?
She raises her bullhorn.
SENESTRA
HEY! WHAT IS YOUR SUPERHERO GROUP
CALLED?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
(off camera, yelling)
What? What do you mean? It's just
us!
SENESTRA
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
I said it's just us! You know, a
squad of superheroes.
SENESTRA
I SEE.
(beat, then to mob)
KILL THE JUSTICE SQUAD OF
SUPERHEROES!!!
INT. THE TENT
CAPEMAN
You know, that IS kind of catchy.
BLUE FAIRY
We're running out of time! We have
to hook the D.O.N.G. to the
P.E.N.I.S. and...
He looks at the table. The P.E.N.I.S. is gone.
BLUE FAIRY
What the...!? WHO TOOK MY
P.E.N.I.S.?
EXT. THE DESERT
Liam is clutching his P.E.N.I.S. to his chest and running as
fast as he can.
LIAM
They're not taking my P.E.N.I.S.!
NOT AGAIN!!!
Liam trips and lands at the foot of two giant sized red clown
shoes. Liam slowly looks up to the snarling face of BIPPO
THE CLOWN. THAD and PROFESSOR ARTURO are behind him.
BIPPO
HAH! You all said I was insane for
wanting to look for Liam in the
middle of the desert! Well, who's
laughing now!?
Bippo laughs hysterically and revs a chainsaw.
THAD
Liam, give us the P.E.N.I.S. and
we'll let you live. You'll have a
pretty bad limp, but you'll live.
LIAM
NEVER!
ARTURO
Well, I do apologize my boy... But
we are going to have to kill you
now.
BIPPO
Sorry, Liam... Nothing personal.
Bippo is about to lop Liam's head off when fairy dust settles
on the chainsaw turning it into a bouquet flowers.
BIPPO
What the f-[BLEEP!]-k!?
Blue Fairy gently flutters down and kicks Bippo in the head
sending him flying backwards several yards. Arturo goes for
a gun in his jacket, but his arm is caught by CAPTAIN SPAZ.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
N-N-Not today, Professor!
Captain Spaz reaches down and touches the professor's leg.
Arturo goes down in pain holding his leg.
ARTURO
OW! OW! CHARLIE HORSE! CHARLIE
HORSE!
BLUE FAIRY
That's your power? The ability to
give people muscle cramps?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
They don't c-c-call me "Captain
Spaz" for nothing! Hey, where'd
the other guy go?
They hear a growl, turn around, and see the WEREWOLF behind
him.
BLUE FAIRY
He's a werewolf.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Well, that just sucks. We should
have been notified!
The werewolf leaps, but is caught in mid-air by DREW
FANGTASTIC.
DREW
Ah, werewolf verses vampire round
two! Care for a rematch, Snoopy?
WEREWOLF
Ring it Ron, Ritch!
Drew and the werewolf go at it. Blue Fairy and Captain Spaz
scoop Liam up and race back to the tent.
EXT. THE TENT
Senestra's army has surrounded the tent and it tearing it
down.
INT. THE TENT
The walls are ripping and people are chanting "Kill the
Justice Squad" over and over again. Capeman, Ultrawoman,
Collosal Chunk, Nightflyer, and Triumph are standing back to
back in the middle of the room.
CAPEMAN
I never thought it would end like
this! I always pictured a long
illness and Doctor Kevorkian!
ULTRAWOMAN
It's been a pleasure, Capeman.
CAPEMAN
What pleasure?
ULTRAWOMAN
Good point.
A large portion of the crowd is thrown back by the Blue
Fairy's wand and he, Captain Spaz, and Liam enter what's left
of the tent.
BLUE FAIRY
WE FOUND HIM!
NIGHTFLYER
QUICK! Hook up the D.O.N.G.!
Colossal Chunk rips the P.E.N.I.S. out of Liam's hands. Liam
goes ballistic.
LIAM
THAT'S MINE, DAMMIT! MINE!
While Liam is beating on the unmovable Colossal Chunk,
Nightflyer hooks the P.E.N.I.S. and D.O.N.G. together.
NIGHTFLYER
ACTIVATING!
Nightflyer activates the D.O.N.G. Suddenly, the crowd stops.
LIAM
It's mine... It's mine... It's...
Liam manages to grab the P.E.N.I.S.. He stops.
LIAM
Wait a minute, I just figured
something out... The P.E.N.I.S. is
stupid!
SOME GUY FROM CROWD
Hey, that's guy's right!
The crowd mumbles in agreement.
ANOTHER GUY
I wanna go home.
SOME WOMAN FROM CROWD
Let's go see a movie, John.
The crowd disperses and begins walking back to the city.
Senestra can't believe it.
SENESTRA
N-No! I command you! I control
you! I-
DORIS
Put a sock in it sister!
SENESTRA
SH-[BLEEP!]-T! Well, back to the
drawing room.
(to Rock and Tank)
Come boys, I have Seigfried and Roy
locked up in my bedroom closet and
I think they would both like to
come out.
Senestra steps on the gas and drives away.
EXT. THE DESERT
Drew and the werewolf are locked in combat. The werewolf
kicks Drew in the head and slashes his chest. Suddenly, Thad
begins to change back.
THAD
What the...?
They both look over to see red and orange breaking over the
horizon. The sun is about to come up.
DREW
It looks like we're going to have
to finish this another time, dog
boy.
Drew turns into a bat and flies away.
THAD
WAIT!
It's too late. Drew is long gone. That stands there and
watches him go.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - THE NEXT DAY
Everyone is there with the exception of Drew. Liam is
sitting on the couch surrounded by everyone else.
KEVIN
So, we just wanted to say that
we're sorry that we tried to kill
you and stuff.
LIAM
Oh, don't worry about it... Uh...
KEVIN
Kevin.
Liam gives him a blank look.
KEVIN
Kevin Riley? I helped you with the
whole Elian thing? Gave you
tickets to a game show?
LIAM
If you say so. Well, everybody...
If this little adventure has taught
me anything, it's that fads are
just one step away from obsession
and the best course of action is
just to say no to fad because,
let's face it, most fads are
stupid.
ARTURO
Well said, my boy!
LIAM
Now, if you'll excuse me... I have
to go to work.
Liam walks to the door, picks up a razor-scooter, and exits.
ARTURO
That boy will never learn.
BIPPO
Yeah, but isn't he a bag of
giggles?
EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP
High above the street on top of a casino, Capeman and
Ultrawoman watch Liam zoom down the street on his scooter.
ULTRAWOMAN
Capeman, myself and the other
superheroes are going to form The
Justice Squad on a more permanent
basis. That's what I've been
trying to talk to you about. We
want to offer you full membership.
CAPEMAN
Ah, a league of heroes for
justice... A justice kind of a
league, eh?
ULTRAWOMAN
Exactly, so are you in?
CAPEMAN
Are you nuts? Give up my freelance
career as a materialist? Sorry,
babe... but I like money way to
much.
ULTRAWOMAN
ARGH! You're hopeless, you know
that? You don't understand that
we're here to HELP people, not
leach them of money!
CAPEMAN
Look, we all go our own way,
Ultrawoman. You and the Justice
Squad have yours and I have mine.
ULTRAWOMAN
Well, all the same, I suppose I
should thank you for saving my
life. How much will it cost me?
CAPEMAN
Oh, to hell with it... let's just
say I was acting as Justice Squad
reserve at the time and all fees
and charges are waved.
ULTRAWOMAN
You're such a bastard.
Ultrawoman begins to fly away, but stops.
ULTRAWOMAN
Capeman. If you ever need someone
to talk to... you know, a friend...
you have my number.
She flies away. Capeman watches her go.
CAPEMAN
She totally wants me.
INT. HELL
SATAN, SCRAPPY DOO, and KATHY HILTER are watching Senestra
Malevolous on a big screen TV.
SATAN
This one is full of evil, but she
is unrefined.
KATHY
She bears watching.
SCRAPPY
Why? Why are we wasting our time
on this would-be failed dictator
from Earth? She'll never conquer
anything at this rate!
SATAN
I have my reasons, Scrappy. Do not
question them. We will watch this
Senestra Malevolous carefully, for
she will be of great use to us in
the future. Great use indeed.
FADE OUT
THE END