The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.21 - "Love: Doggie Style"
Written by Jason Donner
INT. A CLUB
Through all of the dancing couples and loud music, the camera
find THAD COFFEY and BIPPO THE CLOWN standing at a bar
surveying the crowd.
BIPPO
Oh, yeah! I can feel it! We're
gonna get some action tonight!
THAD
I don't know about this.
BIPPO
Oh come on, wolf-boy! You haven't
been on a date in over a year!
THAD
So I'm a little self-conscious
about being a man-eating werewolf.
You'd be surprised how much it eats
into your sex life.
BIPPO
When WAS the last time you had sex?
You know, with another person?
THAD
That's none of your business!
BIPPO
THAT LONG!? Holy crap, man!
THAD
Shut up, Bippo.
BIPPO
You could, like, be a priest or
something!
THAD
Shut UP Bippo!
A beautiful woman goes to the bar and stands next to Thad.
She gives him a sly smile and he smiles back.
BIPPO
(nudges Thad)
Go for it, man!
Thad swallows nervously and clears his throat.
THAD
(to woman)
Uh... Hi.
WOMAN
Hello.
THAD
So, what are you doing tonight?
WOMAN
Are you a werewolf?
THAD
(shocked)
Uh...
(a beat)
N-No. No I am not.
WOMAN
I'm sorry, but I only date
werewolves.
She leaves. Thad looks at Bippo.
THAD
My life sucks.
EXT. A ZOO - NIGHT
Thad is walking alone. He looks up and sees the full moon
shining down on him. He checks his werewolf patch.
THAD
Boy, these things are lifesavers.
He walks by cage full of wolves. He leans on the rail and
looks at them.
THAD
You guys have it too easy. It's
just smell and score for you, isn't
it? Oh, why can't I just be one
species?
There is a twig snap behind him. He whirls around.
THAD
Hello? Who's there?
A beautiful woman comes out of the shadows wearing a zoo
keepers uniform. She's pretty hot with long frazzled hair
and exotic features.
THAD
Oh, you scared me! I thought you
were... I don't know, something
dangerous or something. I'm sorry,
I'm babbling aren't I? I'm Thad
Coffey? What's your name?
The woman stands there looking at him.
THAD
You DO have a name, don't you?
She begins to speak.
AYISHA
Ayisha.
THAD
Beautiful name. So, what's a
lovely lady like you doing in a zoo
like this at this time of...
Ayisha walks over, grabs him, and kisses him forcibly.
THAD
You're right. Enough foreplay!
They begin a session of heavy petting and fall out of frame.
The wolves in the cage congregate and watch the woopie.
-----------
THEME SONG (sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons")
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Show!
It don't air on the TV! Just right here on the net!
No networks would touch this thing,
and that is a real sure bet!
Don't you go and get depressed!
An internet show's more fun!
A lot of what you see is up to you,
Just use your imagination!
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow!
OLÉ!
------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Guest Starring
Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
and
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Special Guest Star
Lucy Lui
as
"Ayisha"
-----------
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
LIAM SMITH and BIPPO THE CLOWN are watching TV when Thad
enters from the front door humming.
THAD
Good morning, buds!
LIAM
You look awful happy today.
THAD
Let's just say I had the best time
of my life last night.
BIPPO
After you left the club alone? I
thought you--
(a beat)
Oh my God, you had sex last night,
didn't you!?
THAD
Well, not to brag or anything,
but... HELL YES!!! I reaffirmed
my manhood for hours, baby! YEAH!
LIAM
Anyone we know?
THAD
I'm not sure. I Only caught her
first name... Ayisha.
BIPPO
Well, come on, man! We want
details! We want specifics! We
want polariods if you got 'em!
LIAM
So, tell us about the lucky lady!
THAD
Well, her name is Ayisha and I
think she works at the zoo. That's
about as far as I got before we
locked lips, ripped each others
clothes off, and did the nasty.
LIAM
Wait a minute, you don't know who
she is, where she comes from, or
what she does?
THAD
No.
BIPPO
Why won't any of MY dates keep
their traps shut like that?
LIAM
Are you going to see her again?
THAD
I guess so. I couldn't find her
this morning when I crawled out of
the zookeeper's shack.
LIAM
So, what are you going to do next?
THAD
I guess I should go looking for
her. I mean, we had a
connection... You know? It wasn't
anything we said or anything we
did, it was more like... Oh,
something intangible, you know? I
could just sense it.
LIAM
Well congratulations, Thad. If
anyone besides me should find true
love, I think you'd be at least in
the top fifteen.
THAD
Thanks, Liam. That means a lot.
EXT. THE ZOO - DAY
Thad is talking to a zookeeper.
THAD
What do you mean, you never heard
of her!?
ZOOKEEPER
Look, Mac, no one by the name of
Ayisha works here. I Would have
remembered the name and sexually
harassed her at least once. Oh,
that reminds me... I have that
sensitivity training seminar to go
to. Good luck finding your lady,
man!
The zookeeper leaves.
THAD
Oh, poopies!
EXT. THE ZOO - SUNSET
Thad is walking among the areas and cages with his hands in
his pockets looking for Ayisha.
EXT. THE ZOO - NIGHT
Thad walks into frame.
THAD
Well, I guess it was nice while--
There is the sound of a twig snapping behind him. He whirls
around, and there is Ayisha.
THAD
It's you! I--
Ayisha forcibly kisses him and the two of them fall out of
frame. After a second, Thad leaps to his feet.
THAD
WAIT A MINUTE!
Ayisha stands.
THAD
Look, it's not that I don't
appreciate what you're doing. I
mean, I really really do... but
don't you think we should talk
first?
AYISHA
Talk?
THAD
Yeah, you know? Talk.
He holds out his hand.
THAD
I'm Thad Coffey.
Ayisha looks at his hand suspiciously.
AYISHA
What are you doing?
THAD
I'm introducing myself.
AYISHA
With your hand?
THAD
You've never shaken hands before?
Ayisha shakes her head. Thad takes her hand in his and
shakes it gently.
THAD
That's called shaking hands. You
must be from out of the country or
something. Canada, right?
AYISHA
Right.
THAD
Okay, now you tell me your name.
AYISHA
Ayisha.
THAD
Is that your first name or your
last name?
AYISHA
Yes.
Thad stares at her for a second.
AYISHA
Can we have sex now?
THAD
Uh... Don't you want to go out on
the town? See the sights? Maybe
go to dinner?
AYISHA
You would do that for me?
THAD
Well, yeah! Would you do me the
great honor of being my date?
AYISHA
(smiles)
I suppose I would like that.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
LIAM and BIPPO are watching TV. Thad enters with Ayisha.
THAD
Guys, I'd like you to meet Ayisha!
Liam and Bippo stands.
LIAM
Ayisha?
BIPPO
You mean the chick you're bagging?
Liam kicks Bippo.
LIAM
Pleased to meet you.
Ayisha backs away and gets behind Thad as though she is
afraid.
THAD
Ayisha?
LIAM
Did I do something wrong?
THAD
Ayisha, it's okay! These guys are
my friends!
Ayisha slowly comes out from behind him.
THAD
You'll have to forgive her. She's
from Canada.
LIAM
Oh.
BIPPO
Gee, are you sure she was this
nervous yesterday night when she
pounced on you and rode the bone
rollercoaster?
AYISHA
I'm sorry, it's just that all of
this is new to me.
LIAM
New? I guess the lights and the
city are a bit much to someone from
a third world country like Canada.
AYISHA
Yes, it's a bit much than I'm used
to. There's nothing like this
where I come from.
THAD
Well, let's get going! We're going
to dinner at the Sizzler.
Thad and Ayisha leave.
LIAM
There's something fishy about that
girl, Bippo. Something not quite
right. What do you think?
BIPPO
I think they'd better sure as hell
take some Polariods next time!
INT. THE SIZZLER
Thad and Ayisha are seated and their food is being brought
out to them.
AYISHA
What is this?
THAD
It's steak, medium well.
AYISHA
It's burned.
THAD
It is?
Thad looks.
THAD
Looks fine to me.
AYISHA
(insistent)
The meat is too burned.
THAD
All right.
(to waiter)
Listen, could you bring us another
steak rare?
AYISHA
Could I have one like that?
She points to the display rack. The Waiter looks.
WAITER
Ma'am, those steaks are raw.
AYISHA
But they look so delicious.
The waiter looks at Thad who shrugs.
THAD
Well, get the lady what she wants.
The waiter nods and walks away.
THAD
Listen, you're not by any chance a
cannibal or a zombie or anything
are you?
AYISHA
No.
THAD
Whew! For a second there, I
thought you were one of those
freaky alien chicks.
(quickly)
Not that I still wouldn't go out
with you!
AYISHA
You want to go out with me?
THAD
Well, yeah. Listen, I don't know
what it is about you... If it's the
twinkle in you eye when you smile
or the dimples in your cheeks when
you laugh, but I feel there's a
connection between us.
AYISHA
I feel it too, Thad.
THAD
So, what do you say?
AYISHA
(blank look)
To what?
THAD
Will you go out with me?
AYISHA
Yes.
THAD
You will?
AYISHA
I will!
THAD
Oh, this is the greatest day of my-
The waiter puts the raw steak in front of Ayisha. She grabs
it and begins to eat it greedily with her hands. Thad and
the waiter sit there and watch for a moment until Thad turns
to the waiter and says...
THAD
She's from Canada.
WAITER
Oh.
The waiter leaves.
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT
Thad and Ayisha enter.
THAD
Well, this is my place.
AYISHA
It's nice.
THAD
It works for me. So, what do you
want to do now?
AYISHA
You.
Ayisha jumps him and they both fall backwards into the
bedroom.
FADE TO:
INT. THAD'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT DAY
Thad is in bed covered only with his sheets. He stirs, wakes
up, and rolls over to hug Ayisha. She's not there.
THAD
Oh no, not again! She's abandoned
me again!
There is a whine from the corner of the room. Thad looks and
sees a large grey wolf staring back at him. He grabs his
sheets and runs to the door only to have the doorknob come
off in his hands.
THAD
Oh, CRAP!
He flattens himself up against the door as the wolf
approaches. Instead of attacking, the wolf cocks it's head
and looks at him. Thad sees something. He bends down and
looks at the wolf's face.
THAD
Oh my God!
The wolf licks him in the face.
THAD
Ayisha?
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam enters wearing a pair of pajamas and goes to answer the
knocking at the door. Thad enters covered only in his
sheets.
THAD
Liam, I've got to tell you about
last night!
LIAM
Do you have to?
THAD
This is important, Liam! Last
night I take Ayisha to dinner,
right? Well, we had a great night
and went home and... Well, you can
pretty much imagine what we did
next. Anyway, I wake up this
morning and...
(a beat)
...she's a dog.
Liam is silent for a second.
LIAM
Look, Thad... I know that hormones
to things to you mind and makes
unattractive women look attractive
and sometimes those women don't
look as good the next morning as
they did in the alcohol induced
stupor of the previous night, but
trust me... Ayisha was a dish!
THAD
That's not what I mean, Liam!
LIAM
I mean, she was a hottie!
THAD
Liam!
LIAM
She was an eleven on the bone-o
meter!
THAD
LIAM SHUT UP!
LIAM
Shutting up.
THAD
Ayisha is a wolf, okay!?
LIAM
You mean she tries to pick up other
men too?
THAD
NO! I mean, she's...
Thad grabs Liam's hand.
THAD
Come with me!
INT. THAD'S BEDROOM
Thad brings Liam inside and he sees Ayisha/Wolf.
LIAM
OH MY GOD! Thad, she's a wolf!
THAD
That's what I've been trying to
tell you!
LIAM
Was she a wolf last night when the
two of you...?
THAD
No! Don't be disgusting! Trust
me, she was very human last night!
LIAM
How did this happen? Magic?
Curses? MSG?
THAD
You think I know?
LIAM
I think I know someone who can help
us get to the bottom of this.
THAD
Not Mr. T again!
LIAM
What's wrong with Mr. T?
INT. THE LOBBY
ARTURO is listening to Thad's story. Liam and Bippo is
sitting nearby.
THAD
...and Now she's a wolf! A living
breathing wolf!
ARTURO
How very interesting.
BIPPO
Look, none of this matters! Did
you get the Polariods or not?
LIAM
What do you think it means,
professor?
ARTURO
Well, I'm certainly no expert when
it comes to transformations into
animals... Do you think she could
be an Animorph? You know, like on
Nickelodeon?
THAD
No. I'm pretty sure she would have
mentioned that, but then again... I
don't know why the whole turning
into a dog thing was left out of
conversation.
ARTURO
Perhaps Triumph can be of service.
LIAM
Triumph? What's he going to do,
tell her that she's a nice wolf for
him to poop on?
ARTURO
Triumph is a canine and, thus,
should be able to communicate with
Ayisha and ascertain exactly what's
going on!
THAD
Brilliant plan, professor!
ARTURO
It was, wasn't it?
INT. THAD'S BEDROOM
Ayisha/Wolf is standing in a corner when Thad pokes his head
in through the door.
THAD
Okay, Triumph... do your thing.
A beat. Thad looks back.
THAD
NO! NOT THAT! YOUR OTHER THING!
TRIUMPH
Oh, sorry.
THAD
That's my favorite rug!
Triumph enters. Thad shuts the door behind him.
TRIUMPH
Ah, hello. I am Triumph. You must
be this Ayisha chick I've been
hearing about.
Ayisha/Wolf barks.
TRIUMPH
Pleased to meet you. So, rumor is
you were a human last night. Would
you like to fill me in?
Ayisha/Wolf begins to bark, growl, and whine.
TRIUMPH
Really? Really?
(a beat)
Reeeeeeeally?
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT
Thad, Arturo, Liam, and Bippo are waiting.
THAD
What do you think is taking so
long?
ARTURO
Well, either it's taking Triumph a
long time to communicate with
Ayisha...
BIPPO
Or Ayisha had Triumph for breakfast
after she tore him limb from limb.
ARTURO
Either way, I'd say it's been a
swell morning.
Triumph enters.
THAD
Triumph, what did you find out?
TRIUMPH
Sit down, Thaddy. This is not
pretty.
Thad sits down.
TRIUMPH
Looks like your new girlfriend is a
werewolf.
THAD
Well, so am I! See, I told you we
had a lot in common!
LIAM
But, it's daylight! And we saw her
last night when the moon was full.
TRIUMPH
Yes, yes... Let me finish. She's a
werewolf, but the problem is, she
isn't a woman who was bitten by a
werewolf, she was a wolf bitten by
a werewolf.
ARTURO
A wolf bitten by a werewolf? So,
that would mean...
THAD
That every time the full moon
rises, she turns human?
TRIUMPH
Yes, I'm afraid so. If I'm not
mistaken, there is a full moon
tonight as well and she should be
human again in a few hours.
THAD
Why can't I ever meet any normal
women?
BIPPO
Look on the bright side.
Everyone looks at Bippo.
THAD
What?
BIPPO
What?
THAD
What bright side?
BIPPO
Well, how the hell should I know?
FADE TO:
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT - A FEW HOURS LATER
As before, everyone is present except for Triumph. The door
to Thad's bedroom opens and Ayisha comes out wearing some of
Thad's clothing.
AYISHA
Thad?
Thad jumps to his feet and whirls around.
THAD
Ayisha!
AYISHA
I'm sorry about last night. I
wanted to tell you, but I didn't
understand it myself.
LIAM
Wait a minute, if you're really a
wolf, then how come you speak
perfect English?
AYISHA
I don't know.
ARTURO
Perhaps the werewolf that bit you
passed on memories as well as
lycanthropy.
AYISHA
I don't know.
THAD
Guys, can you leave us alone for a
minute?
Liam, Bippo, and Arturo rise to leave.
BIPPO
(whispers)
Get Polariods
Bippo exits. Thad turns to Ayisha.
THAD
Well, I definitely have to say that
this is a first for me.
AYISHA
Me too. The night I met you was
the first night I became like this.
My pack and I were captured and
brought to this city.
THAD
In the wolf exhibit in the zoo?
AYISHA
Yes. When I saw you, I smelled
something familiar about you...
Almost wolf-like.
THAD
That's because I'm a werewolf.
AYISHA
A werewolf?
THAD
Yeah, it means that every time the
moon is full, I turn into a wolf.
AYISHA
What does werewolf mean?
THAD
Well, it's Romanian, I think. It
means Man-wolf.
AYISHA
But I am not a man.
THAD
So, you would be a Were-woman?
AYISHA
But, since I'm a wolf who turns
human, shouldn't I be called a Were
were?
THAD
No, then you'd be a man-man and,
believe me, you're all woman. I
guess that would make you a Wolf
were.
AYISHA
Wait a minute, you're human now and
the moon is full! How is this
possible?
Thad shows the patch on his arm.
THAD
Werewolf patch. It keeps me from
wolfing out.
AYISHA
Perhaps they can work for me! Keep
me like this so we can be together!
THAD
Well, I don't think it'll work that
way, Ayisha. They keep you in your
natural state and, in your case, it
would keep you as a wolf.
AYISHA
So there's nothing we can do?
THAD
I don't think so.
Thad and Ayisha hold each other.
AYISHA
I've never felt this way about
anyone before.
THAD
Me neither. Not every woman I've
met gives it up like you did!
AYISHA
When can we see each other again?
THAD
Well, the next full moon is in 28
days.
AYISHA
28 days?
THAD
Yeah.
AYISHA
That's such a long time!
THAD
Then let's take advantage of the
time we've got!
AYISHA
I'd like that.
THAD
All right then!
EXT. THE ZOO - HOURS LATER
Thad and Ayisha walk hand-in-hand along the walkway.
AYISHA
I've had a great time, Thad.
THAD
I can definitely say that this
should be an interesting
relationship. I--
Ayisha sees something and stops.
THAD
Ayisha? What's wrong?
Thad looks. The wolves in the cage are gone. A sign says
"MOBILE WOLF EXHIBIT - NEXT STOP: RENO"
AYISHA
They're gone!
THAD
Don't worry, they'll be okay!
AYISHA
No, you don't understand! No one
breaks from the pack! I have to
find them!
THAD
Why don't you just stay here with
me?
Ayisha looks at him.
AYISHA
Thad, can't you hear them?
Thad listens.
THAD
Hear what?
AYISHA
Their call. They're calling for
me.
THAD
Your pack?
AYISHA
I can't just abandon them. The
pack is like a living breathing
thing and, when one of us leaves...
it leaves a hole in the order. I
can't explain it to you, Thad.
THAD
But... What about us?
Ayisha hugs him.
AYISHA
Thad, these last three days have
been unforgettable, but...
Thad puts a finger on her lips.
THAD
It's all right, Ayisha. I
understand. The only thing I want
is for you to be happy.
AYISHA
Oh, Thad!
She hugs him.
THAD
The only thing I want is for you to
be happy? Aw, HELL! I AM in love!
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - MOMENTS LATER
THAD and AYISHA are sitting in Mister Hilter's old pick up
truck. Arturo, Bippo, and Liam are seeing them off.
ARTURO
Good luck, Ayisha. I sincerely
hope our paths cross again.
AYISHA
Thank you for all your help,
professor.
LIAM
(to Thad)
So, are you going to stay with her?
THAD
Me, no... not possible. This is
one of those star-crossed lovers
kind of things. I'll be back in a
day or two as soon as I get Ayisha
back with her pack.
LIAM
Well, good luck Thad and if it's
any consolation to you, I'm sorry.
THAD
For what? After all, it's better
to love and lost than never to have
loved at all... And it's a whole
hell of a lot better if a lot of
guilt-free hot sex went along with
it.
Thad starts the engine and the truck rolls out of sight.
BIPPO
Polariods!! Don't forget
Polariods!!
INT. THE PICK-UP TRUCK
Thad and Ayisha are riding down the road. Ayisha's head
rests on Thad's shoulder.
AYISHA
This isn't fair.
THAD
It sucks. I'll definitely say
that.
AYISHA
You think we'll ever see each other
again?
THAD
I've learned that you never count
anything out and, besides, I'll
find you again someday.
Ayisha snuggles closer. Thad reaches over and turns on the
radio. The Baha Men's "Who Let the Dog's Out?" begins to
play.
AYISHA
Oh, listen... it's our song!
EXT. THE ROAD
In the desert, the pickup truck rolls down the road as the
first light of dawn peaks over the hills.
FADE OUT.
THE END
ROLL CREDITS