The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.21 - "Love: Doggie Style"
Written by Jason Donner
INT. A CLUB Through all of the dancing couples and loud music, the camera find THAD COFFEY and BIPPO THE CLOWN standing at a bar surveying the crowd. BIPPO Oh, yeah! I can feel it! We're gonna get some action tonight! THAD I don't know about this. BIPPO Oh come on, wolf-boy! You haven't been on a date in over a year! THAD So I'm a little self-conscious about being a man-eating werewolf. You'd be surprised how much it eats into your sex life. BIPPO When WAS the last time you had sex? You know, with another person? THAD That's none of your business! BIPPO THAT LONG!? Holy crap, man! THAD Shut up, Bippo. BIPPO You could, like, be a priest or something! THAD Shut UP Bippo! A beautiful woman goes to the bar and stands next to Thad. She gives him a sly smile and he smiles back. BIPPO (nudges Thad) Go for it, man! Thad swallows nervously and clears his throat. THAD (to woman) Uh... Hi. WOMAN Hello. THAD So, what are you doing tonight? WOMAN Are you a werewolf? THAD (shocked) Uh... (a beat) N-No. No I am not. WOMAN I'm sorry, but I only date werewolves. She leaves. Thad looks at Bippo. THAD My life sucks. EXT. A ZOO - NIGHT Thad is walking alone. He looks up and sees the full moon shining down on him. He checks his werewolf patch. THAD Boy, these things are lifesavers. He walks by cage full of wolves. He leans on the rail and looks at them. THAD You guys have it too easy. It's just smell and score for you, isn't it? Oh, why can't I just be one species? There is a twig snap behind him. He whirls around. THAD Hello? Who's there? A beautiful woman comes out of the shadows wearing a zoo keepers uniform. She's pretty hot with long frazzled hair and exotic features. THAD Oh, you scared me! I thought you were... I don't know, something dangerous or something. I'm sorry, I'm babbling aren't I? I'm Thad Coffey? What's your name? The woman stands there looking at him. THAD You DO have a name, don't you? She begins to speak. AYISHA Ayisha. THAD Beautiful name. So, what's a lovely lady like you doing in a zoo like this at this time of... Ayisha walks over, grabs him, and kisses him forcibly. THAD You're right. Enough foreplay! They begin a session of heavy petting and fall out of frame. The wolves in the cage congregate and watch the woopie. ----------- THEME SONG (sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons") Hey you better perk up! (better perk up!) 'Cause it's time... (you better perk up!) ...for the internet show that's one of a kind! You better perk up! (better perk up!) Don't you know? (better perk up!) It's time for the Liam Smith Show! It don't air on the TV! Just right here on the net! No networks would touch this thing, and that is a real sure bet! Don't you go and get depressed! An internet show's more fun! A lot of what you see is up to you, Just use your imagination! Hey you better perk up! (better perk up!) 'Cause it's time... (you better perk up!) ...for the internet show that's one of a kind! You better perk up! (better perk up!) Don't you know? (better perk up!) It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow! OLÉ! ------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
"Bippo the Clown"
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Special Guest Star
----------- INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT LIAM SMITH and BIPPO THE CLOWN are watching TV when Thad enters from the front door humming. THAD Good morning, buds! LIAM You look awful happy today. THAD Let's just say I had the best time of my life last night. BIPPO After you left the club alone? I thought you-- (a beat) Oh my God, you had sex last night, didn't you!? THAD Well, not to brag or anything, but... HELL YES!!! I reaffirmed my manhood for hours, baby! YEAH! LIAM Anyone we know? THAD I'm not sure. I Only caught her first name... Ayisha. BIPPO Well, come on, man! We want details! We want specifics! We want polariods if you got 'em! LIAM So, tell us about the lucky lady! THAD Well, her name is Ayisha and I think she works at the zoo. That's about as far as I got before we locked lips, ripped each others clothes off, and did the nasty. LIAM Wait a minute, you don't know who she is, where she comes from, or what she does? THAD No. BIPPO Why won't any of MY dates keep their traps shut like that? LIAM Are you going to see her again? THAD I guess so. I couldn't find her this morning when I crawled out of the zookeeper's shack. LIAM So, what are you going to do next? THAD I guess I should go looking for her. I mean, we had a connection... You know? It wasn't anything we said or anything we did, it was more like... Oh, something intangible, you know? I could just sense it. LIAM Well congratulations, Thad. If anyone besides me should find true love, I think you'd be at least in the top fifteen. THAD Thanks, Liam. That means a lot. EXT. THE ZOO - DAY Thad is talking to a zookeeper. THAD What do you mean, you never heard of her!? ZOOKEEPER Look, Mac, no one by the name of Ayisha works here. I Would have remembered the name and sexually harassed her at least once. Oh, that reminds me... I have that sensitivity training seminar to go to. Good luck finding your lady, man! The zookeeper leaves. THAD Oh, poopies! EXT. THE ZOO - SUNSET Thad is walking among the areas and cages with his hands in his pockets looking for Ayisha. EXT. THE ZOO - NIGHT Thad walks into frame. THAD Well, I guess it was nice while-- There is the sound of a twig snapping behind him. He whirls around, and there is Ayisha. THAD It's you! I-- Ayisha forcibly kisses him and the two of them fall out of frame. After a second, Thad leaps to his feet. THAD WAIT A MINUTE! Ayisha stands. THAD Look, it's not that I don't appreciate what you're doing. I mean, I really really do... but don't you think we should talk first? AYISHA Talk? THAD Yeah, you know? Talk. He holds out his hand. THAD I'm Thad Coffey. Ayisha looks at his hand suspiciously. AYISHA What are you doing? THAD I'm introducing myself. AYISHA With your hand? THAD You've never shaken hands before? Ayisha shakes her head. Thad takes her hand in his and shakes it gently. THAD That's called shaking hands. You must be from out of the country or something. Canada, right? AYISHA Right. THAD Okay, now you tell me your name. AYISHA Ayisha. THAD Is that your first name or your last name? AYISHA Yes. Thad stares at her for a second. AYISHA Can we have sex now? THAD Uh... Don't you want to go out on the town? See the sights? Maybe go to dinner? AYISHA You would do that for me? THAD Well, yeah! Would you do me the great honor of being my date? AYISHA (smiles) I suppose I would like that. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT LIAM and BIPPO are watching TV. Thad enters with Ayisha. THAD Guys, I'd like you to meet Ayisha! Liam and Bippo stands. LIAM Ayisha? BIPPO You mean the chick you're bagging? Liam kicks Bippo. LIAM Pleased to meet you. Ayisha backs away and gets behind Thad as though she is afraid. THAD Ayisha? LIAM Did I do something wrong? THAD Ayisha, it's okay! These guys are my friends! Ayisha slowly comes out from behind him. THAD You'll have to forgive her. She's from Canada. LIAM Oh. BIPPO Gee, are you sure she was this nervous yesterday night when she pounced on you and rode the bone rollercoaster? AYISHA I'm sorry, it's just that all of this is new to me. LIAM New? I guess the lights and the city are a bit much to someone from a third world country like Canada. AYISHA Yes, it's a bit much than I'm used to. There's nothing like this where I come from. THAD Well, let's get going! We're going to dinner at the Sizzler. Thad and Ayisha leave. LIAM There's something fishy about that girl, Bippo. Something not quite right. What do you think? BIPPO I think they'd better sure as hell take some Polariods next time! INT. THE SIZZLER Thad and Ayisha are seated and their food is being brought out to them. AYISHA What is this? THAD It's steak, medium well. AYISHA It's burned. THAD It is? Thad looks. THAD Looks fine to me. AYISHA (insistent) The meat is too burned. THAD All right. (to waiter) Listen, could you bring us another steak rare? AYISHA Could I have one like that? She points to the display rack. The Waiter looks. WAITER Ma'am, those steaks are raw. AYISHA But they look so delicious. The waiter looks at Thad who shrugs. THAD Well, get the lady what she wants. The waiter nods and walks away. THAD Listen, you're not by any chance a cannibal or a zombie or anything are you? AYISHA No. THAD Whew! For a second there, I thought you were one of those freaky alien chicks. (quickly) Not that I still wouldn't go out with you! AYISHA You want to go out with me? THAD Well, yeah. Listen, I don't know what it is about you... If it's the twinkle in you eye when you smile or the dimples in your cheeks when you laugh, but I feel there's a connection between us. AYISHA I feel it too, Thad. THAD So, what do you say? AYISHA (blank look) To what? THAD Will you go out with me? AYISHA Yes. THAD You will? AYISHA I will! THAD Oh, this is the greatest day of my- The waiter puts the raw steak in front of Ayisha. She grabs it and begins to eat it greedily with her hands. Thad and the waiter sit there and watch for a moment until Thad turns to the waiter and says... THAD She's from Canada. WAITER Oh. The waiter leaves. INT. THAD'S APARTMENT Thad and Ayisha enter. THAD Well, this is my place. AYISHA It's nice. THAD It works for me. So, what do you want to do now? AYISHA You. Ayisha jumps him and they both fall backwards into the bedroom. FADE TO: INT. THAD'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT DAY Thad is in bed covered only with his sheets. He stirs, wakes up, and rolls over to hug Ayisha. She's not there. THAD Oh no, not again! She's abandoned me again! There is a whine from the corner of the room. Thad looks and sees a large grey wolf staring back at him. He grabs his sheets and runs to the door only to have the doorknob come off in his hands. THAD Oh, CRAP! He flattens himself up against the door as the wolf approaches. Instead of attacking, the wolf cocks it's head and looks at him. Thad sees something. He bends down and looks at the wolf's face. THAD Oh my God! The wolf licks him in the face. THAD Ayisha? INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam enters wearing a pair of pajamas and goes to answer the knocking at the door. Thad enters covered only in his sheets. THAD Liam, I've got to tell you about last night! LIAM Do you have to? THAD This is important, Liam! Last night I take Ayisha to dinner, right? Well, we had a great night and went home and... Well, you can pretty much imagine what we did next. Anyway, I wake up this morning and... (a beat) ...she's a dog. Liam is silent for a second. LIAM Look, Thad... I know that hormones to things to you mind and makes unattractive women look attractive and sometimes those women don't look as good the next morning as they did in the alcohol induced stupor of the previous night, but trust me... Ayisha was a dish! THAD That's not what I mean, Liam! LIAM I mean, she was a hottie! THAD Liam! LIAM She was an eleven on the bone-o meter! THAD LIAM SHUT UP! LIAM Shutting up. THAD Ayisha is a wolf, okay!? LIAM You mean she tries to pick up other men too? THAD NO! I mean, she's... Thad grabs Liam's hand. THAD Come with me! INT. THAD'S BEDROOM Thad brings Liam inside and he sees Ayisha/Wolf. LIAM OH MY GOD! Thad, she's a wolf! THAD That's what I've been trying to tell you! LIAM Was she a wolf last night when the two of you...? THAD No! Don't be disgusting! Trust me, she was very human last night! LIAM How did this happen? Magic? Curses? MSG? THAD You think I know? LIAM I think I know someone who can help us get to the bottom of this. THAD Not Mr. T again! LIAM What's wrong with Mr. T? INT. THE LOBBY ARTURO is listening to Thad's story. Liam and Bippo is sitting nearby. THAD ...and Now she's a wolf! A living breathing wolf! ARTURO How very interesting. BIPPO Look, none of this matters! Did you get the Polariods or not? LIAM What do you think it means, professor? ARTURO Well, I'm certainly no expert when it comes to transformations into animals... Do you think she could be an Animorph? You know, like on Nickelodeon? THAD No. I'm pretty sure she would have mentioned that, but then again... I don't know why the whole turning into a dog thing was left out of conversation. ARTURO Perhaps Triumph can be of service. LIAM Triumph? What's he going to do, tell her that she's a nice wolf for him to poop on? ARTURO Triumph is a canine and, thus, should be able to communicate with Ayisha and ascertain exactly what's going on! THAD Brilliant plan, professor! ARTURO It was, wasn't it? INT. THAD'S BEDROOM Ayisha/Wolf is standing in a corner when Thad pokes his head in through the door. THAD Okay, Triumph... do your thing. A beat. Thad looks back. THAD NO! NOT THAT! YOUR OTHER THING! TRIUMPH Oh, sorry. THAD That's my favorite rug! Triumph enters. Thad shuts the door behind him. TRIUMPH Ah, hello. I am Triumph. You must be this Ayisha chick I've been hearing about. Ayisha/Wolf barks. TRIUMPH Pleased to meet you. So, rumor is you were a human last night. Would you like to fill me in? Ayisha/Wolf begins to bark, growl, and whine. TRIUMPH Really? Really? (a beat) Reeeeeeeally? INT. THAD'S APARTMENT Thad, Arturo, Liam, and Bippo are waiting. THAD What do you think is taking so long? ARTURO Well, either it's taking Triumph a long time to communicate with Ayisha... BIPPO Or Ayisha had Triumph for breakfast after she tore him limb from limb. ARTURO Either way, I'd say it's been a swell morning. Triumph enters. THAD Triumph, what did you find out? TRIUMPH Sit down, Thaddy. This is not pretty. Thad sits down. TRIUMPH Looks like your new girlfriend is a werewolf. THAD Well, so am I! See, I told you we had a lot in common! LIAM But, it's daylight! And we saw her last night when the moon was full. TRIUMPH Yes, yes... Let me finish. She's a werewolf, but the problem is, she isn't a woman who was bitten by a werewolf, she was a wolf bitten by a werewolf. ARTURO A wolf bitten by a werewolf? So, that would mean... THAD That every time the full moon rises, she turns human? TRIUMPH Yes, I'm afraid so. If I'm not mistaken, there is a full moon tonight as well and she should be human again in a few hours. THAD Why can't I ever meet any normal women? BIPPO Look on the bright side. Everyone looks at Bippo. THAD What? BIPPO What? THAD What bright side? BIPPO Well, how the hell should I know? FADE TO: INT. THAD'S APARTMENT - A FEW HOURS LATER As before, everyone is present except for Triumph. The door to Thad's bedroom opens and Ayisha comes out wearing some of Thad's clothing. AYISHA Thad? Thad jumps to his feet and whirls around. THAD Ayisha! AYISHA I'm sorry about last night. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't understand it myself. LIAM Wait a minute, if you're really a wolf, then how come you speak perfect English? AYISHA I don't know. ARTURO Perhaps the werewolf that bit you passed on memories as well as lycanthropy. AYISHA I don't know. THAD Guys, can you leave us alone for a minute? Liam, Bippo, and Arturo rise to leave. BIPPO (whispers) Get Polariods Bippo exits. Thad turns to Ayisha. THAD Well, I definitely have to say that this is a first for me. AYISHA Me too. The night I met you was the first night I became like this. My pack and I were captured and brought to this city. THAD In the wolf exhibit in the zoo? AYISHA Yes. When I saw you, I smelled something familiar about you... Almost wolf-like. THAD That's because I'm a werewolf. AYISHA A werewolf? THAD Yeah, it means that every time the moon is full, I turn into a wolf. AYISHA What does werewolf mean? THAD Well, it's Romanian, I think. It means Man-wolf. AYISHA But I am not a man. THAD So, you would be a Were-woman? AYISHA But, since I'm a wolf who turns human, shouldn't I be called a Were were? THAD No, then you'd be a man-man and, believe me, you're all woman. I guess that would make you a Wolf were. AYISHA Wait a minute, you're human now and the moon is full! How is this possible? Thad shows the patch on his arm. THAD Werewolf patch. It keeps me from wolfing out. AYISHA Perhaps they can work for me! Keep me like this so we can be together! THAD Well, I don't think it'll work that way, Ayisha. They keep you in your natural state and, in your case, it would keep you as a wolf. AYISHA So there's nothing we can do? THAD I don't think so. Thad and Ayisha hold each other. AYISHA I've never felt this way about anyone before. THAD Me neither. Not every woman I've met gives it up like you did! AYISHA When can we see each other again? THAD Well, the next full moon is in 28 days. AYISHA 28 days? THAD Yeah. AYISHA That's such a long time! THAD Then let's take advantage of the time we've got! AYISHA I'd like that. THAD All right then! EXT. THE ZOO - HOURS LATER Thad and Ayisha walk hand-in-hand along the walkway. AYISHA I've had a great time, Thad. THAD I can definitely say that this should be an interesting relationship. I-- Ayisha sees something and stops. THAD Ayisha? What's wrong? Thad looks. The wolves in the cage are gone. A sign says "MOBILE WOLF EXHIBIT - NEXT STOP: RENO" AYISHA They're gone! THAD Don't worry, they'll be okay! AYISHA No, you don't understand! No one breaks from the pack! I have to find them! THAD Why don't you just stay here with me? Ayisha looks at him. AYISHA Thad, can't you hear them? Thad listens. THAD Hear what? AYISHA Their call. They're calling for me. THAD Your pack? AYISHA I can't just abandon them. The pack is like a living breathing thing and, when one of us leaves... it leaves a hole in the order. I can't explain it to you, Thad. THAD But... What about us? Ayisha hugs him. AYISHA Thad, these last three days have been unforgettable, but... Thad puts a finger on her lips. THAD It's all right, Ayisha. I understand. The only thing I want is for you to be happy. AYISHA Oh, Thad! She hugs him. THAD The only thing I want is for you to be happy? Aw, HELL! I AM in love! EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - MOMENTS LATER THAD and AYISHA are sitting in Mister Hilter's old pick up truck. Arturo, Bippo, and Liam are seeing them off. ARTURO Good luck, Ayisha. I sincerely hope our paths cross again. AYISHA Thank you for all your help, professor. LIAM (to Thad) So, are you going to stay with her? THAD Me, no... not possible. This is one of those star-crossed lovers kind of things. I'll be back in a day or two as soon as I get Ayisha back with her pack. LIAM Well, good luck Thad and if it's any consolation to you, I'm sorry. THAD For what? After all, it's better to love and lost than never to have loved at all... And it's a whole hell of a lot better if a lot of guilt-free hot sex went along with it. Thad starts the engine and the truck rolls out of sight. BIPPO Polariods!! Don't forget Polariods!! INT. THE PICK-UP TRUCK Thad and Ayisha are riding down the road. Ayisha's head rests on Thad's shoulder. AYISHA This isn't fair. THAD It sucks. I'll definitely say that. AYISHA You think we'll ever see each other again? THAD I've learned that you never count anything out and, besides, I'll find you again someday. Ayisha snuggles closer. Thad reaches over and turns on the radio. The Baha Men's "Who Let the Dog's Out?" begins to play. AYISHA Oh, listen... it's our song! EXT. THE ROAD In the desert, the pickup truck rolls down the road as the first light of dawn peaks over the hills. FADE OUT. THE END ROLL CREDITS