INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
LIAM and STACY are enjoying a nice, quiet, homemade dinner.
STACY
Mmm, this is delicious, Liam.
What's the recipe?
LIAM
Burn all your food and call Chow
Yun's in a panic.
She laughs.
LIAM
What are you laughing at? I still
have bandages across my stomach!
STACY
You've been so nice to me over the
last month.
LIAM
Hell, you've been nice to me! I
mean, when you first moved here,
you hardly gave me the time of day,
but now...
STACY
Now you're the best friend I have.
LIAM
Best friend?
STACY
Yeah.
LIAM
Best friend. Cool. I like the
sound of that. I've always been
either a third best friend or a
second best friend, but best best
friend... Wow, that's awesome!
STACY
Liam?
LIAM
Yeah?
STACY
There's something I want to-
The doorbell rings. Liam gets up and answers it and there,
standing at the door, is GARY THE FANBOY.
LIAM
Gary?
GARY
Hey, Liam! How's it going?
LIAM
What the hell are you doing here!?
GARY
Well, I'm afraid things between me
and Kari didn't quite work out the
way we hoped.
LIAM
They didn't?
GARY
No, I got involved in the protest
movement to put the Star Wars
movies on DVD. I'm sick of having
to buy the trilogy every time
George Lucas decides to re-release
them on VHS! I've got twenty
different box sets in my room!
Greedy genius bastard. Anyway, I
got obsessed with it and she kicked
me out and filed for divorce.
Something about communications
problems or something. I don't
know, I never listen to her when
she gets bitchy. Anyways, I'm
moving back to Upda Creek and I'm
here to stay!
LIAM
You mean... You and Kari Wuhrer are
no longer married?
GARY
That's about the size of it!
LIAM
That means she's available again!
GARY
Uh... Yeah?
LIAM
And THAT means she could be mine!
GARY
Uh... Yeah. Listen, have you seen
Stacy around?
LIAM
And THAT means that Kari Wuhrer
will probably love me now!
GARY
Nevermind. I'll find her myself.
He turns to leave when Stacy walks up to the door.
STACY
I knew you were here, Gary. I
could smell the pungent smell of
Body Odor and noxema from the other
room.
GARY
Stacy, honey, baby, sweetie...
How's it going? What's shakin'?
STACY
Now that you're here? My faith in
a higher power.
GARY
I deserved that! I deserved that!
STACY
Oh, you deserve a LOT more than
that, you dick!
GARY
Stacy, I came back here because I
realized I made a terrible mistake.
STACY
What? Continuing to breathe?
GARY
No, I left you behind and, although
I can never make it up to you, I
want you back!
He gets down on one knee.
GARY
Will you take me back?
Liam looks at Stacy. Stacy looks at Gary. Gary pops a zit
on his nose.
FADE OUT.
-----
THEME SONG (sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons")
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Show!
It don't air on the TV! Just right here on the net!
No networks would touch this thing,
and that is a real sure bet!
Don't you go and get depressed!
An internet show's more fun!
A lot of what you see is up to you,
Just use your imagination!
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow!
OLÉ!
------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Guest Starring
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom
Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
Betty White
as
"Doris"
and
Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
Special Guest Stars
Meg Ryan
Russell Crowe
and
Kari Wuhrer
as
"herself"
-----
INT. STACY'S APARTMENT
Stacy is talking to CHOCOLATE TREAT and DORIS
STACY
...and I know it would be a mistake
to take him back after he dropped
me like a copy of Battlefield
Earth, but I still feel something
for him?
DORIS
Oh, Stacy... It's called PITY!
Back in my day, Gary the Fanboy was
something we called a "mercy lay".
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Listen to her, girl! She may be
old and decrepid, but she knows
what she's talking about. I once
felt sorry for this little guy a
few years ago and gave him an
eighty percent off special. Turned
out it was that damned Urkle kid.
I wonder whatever happened to him.
DORIS
Probably struck down by a venereal
disease, dear.
STACY
(before CT can respond)
Girls, this isn't helping! What
should I do?
DORIS
Dump him!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Hard and mean!
STACY
It's not that simple.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
It's not?
STACY
No... You see, when we were going
out last year and I would get mad
at him and try to dump him, he'd do
things to me.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
(interested)
Things?
DORIS
(equally interested)
What... SORT of things?
STACY
He'd sing to me.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
(disappointed)
Oh.
STACY
And when he did that, I'd just
melt. He has the prettiest voice
in the world and the way he plays
the Ukulele is something that just
can't be topped.
DORIS
Wait a minute, I thought that you
and Liam were...
STACY
Were what?
DORIS
You know...
She puts her finger in her hand and moves it in and out.
STACY
(shocked)
What? ME And LIAM? No, no, no,
no, no! We're just friends!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
And you'd better damn well stay
that way! If I suspected you and
Liam was doing the wicked wahtuse,
I'd rip your head off! Liam is
mine!
The doorbell rings. Stacy answers. It's Gary the Fanboy.
GARY
Hi, Stacy!
STACY
Oh, uh... Girls? Could you leave
us alone for a minute?
DORIS
All right, but you remember what we
said!
Doris walks by Gary and mouths the words, "Son of a..."
before exiting. Chocolate Treat surreptitiously gives Gary
her phone number and winks before she leaves.
STACY
Gary, I can't go through this
again! You broke my heart!
GARY
It wasn't my fault!
STACY
Why not?
GARY
I'm a child of the 90's! According
to my therapist, it's all my
parent's fault.
Stacy isn't amused.
GARY
Look, the fact is... I miss you. I
miss the way you held me, I miss
the way you laugh, and I miss the
way you treated me. You treated me
like a human being and not like the
gum on the bottom of your shoe.
STACY
And because of that, you dropped me
without a second of thought for a
two-bit direct to video slut?
GARY
It was a mistake, all right? I
admit it! I made a BIG mistake
leaving you, but I want to make it
up to you now.
STACY
How?
GARY
Take me back and I swear on the
warp nacelles of the Enterprise and
my burning hatred of Jar Jar Binks
that I will never leave your side
again. I'll be with you from now
until eternity and beyond.
A beat.
STACY
Gary, I'm going to have to think
about this.
GARY
All right. You can discuss it with
Liam, your little gay friend.
STACY
Liam is not gay!
LIAM
(through wall)
Thank you! Not that I was
listening or anything!
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is up against the wall with a cup to her ear. Bippo and
Thad are leaning over his shoulder.
BIPPO
Well?
LIAM
She said she's going to think about
it.
THAD
Wow, this must really suck for you.
LIAM
Why? I think it's great!
THAD
You do?
LIAM
Yeah! With Gary out of the
picture, Kari Wuhrer is all mine!
BIPPO
Kari W-- Liam, you're still smitten
with that silicon having, couldn't
act her way out of a paper bag,
booby bouncing bimbo?
LIAM
It's destiny, Bippo! Destiny.
THAD
Soooo, what are you planning?
LIAM
I'm going to Hollywood, visit Kari,
and confess my true feelings.
BIPPO
What about the restraining order?
LIAM
Ah, I discovered a loophole.
(he gets out the document)
Look at this box here where it
says, "Do not write in this box"?
BIPPO
She wrote "OK".
LIAM
And thus invalidated the order.
THAD
That ditzy bitch!
LIAM
And now, she will be mine!
Liam runs out the front door.
THAD
Poor stupid idiot, Liam. He just
doesn't get it.
BIPPO
Get what?
THAD
That what he needs the most is
right here staring him in the face.
BIPPO
That's beautiful
Bippo hugs him. Thad tries to get away, but Bippo won't let
go.
EXT. DEATH VALLEY
Liam runs by a breakneck speed. A Map is superimposed over
various scenes of Liam running in the dessert of his path
between Las Vegas and Hollywood.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD
We see the giant Hollywood sign overlooking the city. A sign
comes into view that says "DAYS SINCE LAST DISASTER: 002".
Suddenly, a small earthquake rumbles the ground and the sign
bursts into flames and fall down. The "H" from the Hollywood
sign breaks off and falls down the mountain.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - CONTINUOUS
MEG RYAN and RUSSELL CROWE are walking hand and hand. The
shaking is subsiding.
MEG RYAN
Wow, that was quite a shaker,
wasn't it?
RUSSELL CROWE
Not quite as big as the shaker we
made behind your husband's back!
MEG RYAN
Yes, and all of the tabloids are
hailing me as a hero for cheating
on him!
RUSSELL CROWE
We're famous and rich, baby! There
is no consequences for our actions!
A shadow overtakes them. They look up.
MEG RYAN
What the "H"?
WHAM! The "H" from the Hollywood Sign flattens them into
chunks of scummy cheating unfaithful goo. Liam runs by,
steps on the letter, and continues to his destination.
EXT. KARI WUHRER'S HOUSE
The extravagant mansion sits in the Hollywood Hills Liam runs
up to the front door and knocks. After a few minutes, Kari
Wuhrer answers.
LIAM
Kari?
KARI WUHRER
What? Oh, it's you. Found out
about the "OK" in the "Do not write
in this box" box, huh?
LIAM
Kari, I came as soon as I heard.
KARI WUHRER
(deadpan)
Wonderful.
LIAM
Kari, I have to know. Do you feel
anything for me? A sliver of love?
A small ember of affection that we
may fan into the flames of desire?
KARI WUHRER
Let me think, ah... No.
LIAM
Nothing?
KARI WUHRER
No, wait... I DO feel something.
LIAM
You DO!?
KARI WUHRER
I feel repulsed by you. If you
were the last man on earth, the
cockroaches would become the
dominant life-form because I would
never touch you even if it meant
the continuation of the human race!
Not only do I not like you, Liam
Smith, but I become sick at the
very mention of your name! Every
time I read one of those letters
you send me about your stupid life
and stupid friends, I want to
vomit! I want to beg God to strike
you down! I want you to fall into
a bog and never be found again not
even for a museum exhibit five
thousand years in the future! Liam
Smith, you are without a doubt the
most silly, insignificant TROLL who
has ever laid eyes on me and fallen
in love and that INCLUDES Charlie
O'Connell!
LIAM
(shocked)
Charlie O'Connell!?
(a beat)
So... That's a no, right?
KARI WUHRER
YES!!! THAT IS THE BIGGEST NO I CAN
COME UP WITH!!!
Liam sits there for a minute soaking in her tirade. For a
moment, it looks like he is about to cry, he takes in a deep
breath, looks Kari Wuhrer in the eyes, and finally speaks.
LIAM
(happily)
Okay! Thanks you for your time!
He begins to walk down the walkway to the front gates, but
stops.
LIAM
What am I doing!? That's Kari
Wuhrer! The love of my life and
I'm about to just walk away from
her for good!
He runs back to Kari Wuhrer.
LIAM
Uh, Kari?
KARI WUHRER
What?
LIAM
Sorry about the letters. I'll stop
sending them to you.
KARI WUHRER
(taken aback)
W-Well, good!
Liam walks away. He stops.
LIAM
What is WRONG with me!? Why am I
acting like this!?
He turns around.
LIAM
Kari, there's something I have to
say.
Kari looks at him. Liam appears to go blank for a minute
until finally saying:
LIAM
Anaconda really sucked.
KARI WUHRER
What?
LIAM
D'ah... I mean, it was terrible.
KARI WUHRER
What are you...!?
LIAM
NO! NO! I Mean, It was cheesy and
you were awful.
KARI WUHRER
What are you saying!?
LIAM
I don't know. It's all just coming
out of me!
KARI WUHRER
I just crushed your heart like a
seedless grape and you're prancing
around like Danny freakin' Kaye!
LIAM
I know, isn't that strange? I
don't feel bad at all.
A beat.
LIAM
Well, see ya!
Liam walks away.
KARI WUHRER
But, wait a damn minute! You...
Liam walks out the gate and out of sight leaving a very
confused Kari Wuhrer behind.
KARI WUHRER
But...
A tear rolls down her face.
KARI WUHRER
Via con dios, Liam Smith.
EXT. DEATH VALLEY
Liam runs by on his way back home.
INT. STACY'S APARTMENT
Stacy is sitting with Chocolate Treat and Doris.
STACY
I'm just so confused. What should
I do? Gary seems so promising, but
I'm just so scared of getting hurt
again.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Honey, you should just do what
Ricky Lake said to do last week on
her show.
DORIS
I didn't know you watched Ricky
Lake.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Watch it? Honey, I was ON it! It
was a show about cross-dressers.
STACY
It WAS!? So that means your a...
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Sibling to a cross-dresser? Sadly,
yes. But, anyway... Ricky Lake
says that you should just close
your eyes and the first person you
see is your heart's true love.
DORIS
Oh, come on Stacy. Give it a try.
STACY
(closes her eyes)
Okay, heart... Who do I love?
FADE TO:
BLACK
All of the sudden, a door opens in the background and we see
a silhouette of a man enter. We can't make out any details
about him because of the extreme darkness of the room. He
comes closer and closer and closer until his face is
illuminated by light.
LIAM
Why is it so dark in here?
CUT TO:
INT: STACY'S APARTMENT
Stacy's eyes fly open in shock.
STACY
Liam!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
(deep mean voice)
WHAT!?
Doris reaches around and places a cloth full of chloroform in
from of Chocolate Treat's mouth. After struggling for a few
minute, Chocolate Treat succumbs and passes out.
DORIS
Good thing I carry this stuff with
me all the time or Chocolate Treat
might have hurt you!
STACY
(shocked)
I... love... LIAM!?
DORIS
The truth hurts, doesn't it?
STACY
Liam!? Of all people, why Liam?
DORIS
Because he's a good kid with a kind
heart who has never treated you
with anything but respect and
admiration, Stacy. That's why!
STACY
Oh, jeez! Why didn't I see it
before?
DORIS
Probably the same reason poor Mr.
Hilter didn't see that werewolf
until it was too late. Sometimes,
love is a predator that jumps you
when you least expect it, but
unlike Mr. Hilter, you can do
something about it.
Stacy looks at her in confusion.
STACY
But... Liam?
DORIS
Even Julia Roberts had a Lyle
Lovett, sweetheart.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is sitting there with Bippo and Thad.
LIAM
...and then I just said "bye" and
left like that! What is wrong with
me!?
THAD
Simple, man! You didn't really
love her.
LIAM
But, I know I'm in love, Thad! I
just know it!
THAD
But not with Wuhrer?
Liam slumps in his seat.
LIAM
No, not with Wuhrer. Not anymore.
It's like she never meant anything
to me, you know?
(a beat)
Guys, what's wrong with me?
BIPPO
(an idea)
Hey! Why don't you just do what
Ricky Lake says? Close your eyes
and the first person you think if
will be the person you love.
LIAM
Really?
BIPPO
Really.
LIAM
What the hell. Might as well try!
Liam shuts his eyes.
LIAM
All right, brain. Who do I love?
FADE TO:
BLACK
TWILIGHTS ZONE INTRO
Clocks and stuff fly by in a sequence mirroring the intro
to the classic Twilight Zone show.
ROD SERLING
You are entering a dimension of
sight and sound, a dimension of
contrivance and stupidity. Don't
look now, but you've just crossed
over into... The Liam Zone.
MUSIC STING.
Liam is alone in the blackness. He turns around and sees
FAHARA FAWCETT behind him.
FAHRA FAWCETT
Hello, Liam. I was on that poster
that got you through all of those
lonely nights in high school.
Fahra Fawcett disappears. A kitten dangling from a tree with
the words "HANG IN THERE" appears.
KITTEN
I was on your wall too, but did you
notice me? NO, you freakin'
BASTARD! Oh, yeah... Hang in
there, kid!
The kitten disappears. A little girl in pig-tails appears.
LITTLE GIRL
Hello, Liam. I'm the first girl
you ever kissed.
The little girl turns into a huge muscular woman carrying a
tennis racket.
LITTLE GIRL
NOW I'M A MEMBER OF THE LESBIAN PRO
TENNIS CIRCUIT.
A lawyer appears.
LAWYER
I represent Miss Wuhrer and if you
use her image in this dream
sequence, it will cost you 32
thousand.
The lawyer disappears in a fireball. Liam is alone.
Suddenly, a hand touches his shoulder, he whirls around to
see Stacy.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam awakens.
LIAM
STACY!
BIPPO & THAD
Doy!
INT. STACY'S APARTMENT
Stacy is talking to Gary.
STACY
Look, Gary. I've made up my mind.
All you can do now is do the decent
thing, act like a man, let's just
be friends, and get the hell on
with our lives!
GARY
(sniffles)
Well, if that's the way you feel, I
guess I'll be on my way.
Gary heads towards the door and out of frame. Suddenly, we
hear the strums of a ukulele. The camera swings around to
find Gary playing the instrument.
GARY
(singing)
Stacy...
STACY
Please don't...
GARY
(singing)
...you make my heart go crazy. It
won't ever be lazy, if you come
right home with me.
Gary's tune is actually quite good. Stacy has melted.
STACY
Oh, damn...
She goes to Gary and prepares to kiss him when Liam appears
with a bass drum and accordion.
LIAM
(singing)
Gary... is quite a fairy! He wants
to tie you down while you're still
young!
GARY
HEY!
LIAM
(continues singing)
He wants your body, thinks you're a
hottie! But he'll chew your heart
like it's Bubble Yum!
Liam stops singing. It was pretty bad. Stacy looks at Liam,
then at Gary. Gary looks at Stacy, then at Liam. Liam looks
down at the Bass Drum and Accordion and chucks them aside.
LIAM
Look, Stacy... I've lost track of
what's cute and stupid over the
last few days. All I want to say
is that I want what's best for you.
It may not be me, but I know it's
not him!
He thumbs over in Gary's direction. Gary plucks a few of the
Ukulele strings.
GARY
(singing)
Lover... Without you there's no
other...
LIAM
(finishing the verse)
Give him a chance, he'll do your
mother!
Stacy laughs.
STACY
(to Liam)
You're right!
(to Gary)
Gary, honey, it's all over. Why
don't you do sit out in the middle
of the highway and wait, okay?
She's pushed him to the door.
GARY
I'm never giving up!
(he sees someone)
Hey, gorgeous What's your name!?
Stacy slams the door in Gary's face and then looks at Liam.
They both laugh.
STACY
Liam, thank you!
LIAM
Oh, well... It w-was nothing, you
know.
Stacy picks up the Accordion and begins to play.
STACY
(singing)
Liam... I'm glad that you're not
gay.
(nudges him playfully)
I may show you why someday.
LIAM
(realizes)
Yay.
FADE OUT
ROLL CREDITS