EXT. THE SOUTH PACIFIC
On a small island with only one palm tree, CAPEMAN and
DECOY XI are enjoying a picnic.
CAPEMAN
Sure is quite out here, eh
Decoy?
DECOY
Yeah, a little too quiet. Don't
you think it's a little strange
that we haven't seen anyone in a
thousand mile radius in this area?
CAPEMAN
Perhaps, but who's got time for
worrying about why a sizable
portion of the Earth has been
evacuated? Let's just enjoy this
potato salad and...
Capeman sees something.
CAPEMAN
Decoy, look! A falling star! I've
always heard that if you wish on a
falling star, your dreams will come
true.
DECOY
Okay, I wish for a long life.
KER-BLAM!!! The falling star falls on them obliterating the
small island and potato salad. Capeman pulls himself out of
the rubble and looks around. He's got a sizable bump on his
head and seems a little dazed. He looks at the twisted
metallic mass of metal around him and tries to read a charred
nameplate.
CAPEMAN
V... G... E... R... V'ger!
Capeman wipes off some soot and reads again.
CAPEMAN
M... I... R... Mir!
Capeman giggles.
CAPEMAN
Well, ain't that the sh(BLEEP!)t?
Capeman passes out.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is sitting on the couch in front of his television
playing a video game. He appears quite interested in it.
The doorbell rings.
LIAM
Come in!
Kevin Riley enters.
KEVIN
Hey, Liam. Whatcha doing?
LIAM
I'm playing the new Kari Wuhrer
video game, "Nude Raider".
Kevin sits and watches the game for a minute.
GAME
Oh no! I lost by bra!
KEVIN
Good graphics. Listen, my house is
getting fumigated.
LIAM
(playing game)
Uh-huh
KEVIN
Yeah. Anywho, I have to go out of
town for a day on... Well, let's
just call it business, okay?
LIAM
(playing game)
Okay.
KEVIN
The point I'm getting at is I'm
supposed to receive a packagetoday
and, since I'm not going to be
here, I was wondering if you'd mind
if I had it forwarded to your
address.
LIAM
(playing game)
Yeah.
KEVIN
Liam, I must stress to the
importance of this package. My
life is riding on it, okay?
LIAM
(playing game)
Uh-huh.
Kevin sees that Liam isn't paying any attention to him, so he
reaches over and shuts the game system off.
LIAM
HEY!!! Three more bananas and I
would have been king of the panty
raiders!
KEVIN
Liam, pay attention to me, okay?
Do not under any circumstances open
the package, do you understand?
LIAM
Yes.
KEVIN
Promise me that you won't open the
package.
LIAM
I promise.
KEVIN
Do you triple dog promise?
LIAM
Yes, I triple dog promise.
KEVIN
No earasies?
LIAM
(shocked)
I-I don't know... No earasies is a
big step!
KEVIN
Liam, come on!
LIAM
All right, I triple dog promise
with no earasies.
KEVIN
I knew I could count on you. If
there's any trouble, just beep my
pager.
LIAM
Sure.
Kevin exits.
LIAM
...and So it begins.
-----
THEME SONG (sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons")
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Show!
It don't air on the TV! Just right here on the net!
No networks would touch this thing,
and that is a real sure bet!
Don't you go and get depressed!
An internet show's more fun!
A lot of what you see is up to you,
Just use your imagination!
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow!
OLÉ!
------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Guest Starring
Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
and
Leon Lai
as
"Kevin Riley"
Special Guest Star
Billy Bob Thorton
as
"The Delivery Man"
and
Zach Hanson
as
"Decoy XI"
-----
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - A FEW HOURS LATER
Liam is, again, playing "Nude Raider". There is a knock at
the door.
LIAM
Come in!
Stacy enters.
STACY
Hey, Liam. What are you doing?
Liam quickly rips the video game out of his machine, throws
it out the window, and hits the remote changing the TV to a
cable channel.
LIAM
I was just watching TV.
Stacy looks.
STACY
Isn't that "Queer as Folk"?
Liam looks at the TV.
LIAM
Uh... Y-Yes. Yes it is.
STACY
You're watching "Queer as Folk?"
LIAM
Stacy, I'm surprised that you would
have that attitude! I mean, why
would you discriminate against good
television just because it's about
the lifestyles of gay men in...
He glances back at the TV.
LIAM
OH MY GOD!!! WHAT ARE THEY DOING
TO EACH OTHER!? OH, GOD!!! THAT'S
THE SICKEST F-[BLEEP!]-ING THING
I'VE EVER SEEN!!! OUT!!! OUT FOUL
MEMORY!!!
Liam clicks off the TV.
STACY
(wisely changes the
subject)
I talked to my parents the other
day.
LIAM
Oh, you did?
STACY
Yeah, they were very interested
about the new mystery man in my
life.
LIAM
And who would that be?
STACY
That's you, Liam.
LIAM
Right.
STACY
Anyway, they were thrilled.
Especially after I told them that I
dumped Gary the Fanboy... They
never did like him very much. Gary
said that it's because they're anti
Semitic, but I think it's because
they thought he was an asshole and
he wouldn't shut up about Kyle
Rayner replacing Hal Jordan in the
Green Lantern comic book. He also
had that strange smell about him.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be going on
about my former looser boyfriend
now that you're my new boyfriend,
Liam.
LIAM
Wow!
(a beat)
Sorry, it's just a little strange
for me actually having a steady
girlfriend that doesn't require an
air pump.
Suddenly, the door flies open and THAD, BIPPO, and ARTURO
fall inside the room after having been listening at the door.
BIPPO
(jumps to his feet)
SEE!? I KNEW IT!!!
ARTURO
I'll be DAMNED! Bippo was right!
THAD
Why didn't you tell us that you and
Stacy were going out? I mean, damn
boy! You've been saying you were
just friends!
LIAM
Look, we WERE just friends, but
lately... Well...
STACY
It's festered into something more.
LIAM
Did you have to use the word
"festered"?
ARTURO
Well, whatever the case, I am very
happy for the two of you. It
couldn't have happened to a better
couple.
THAD
And Liam's really going to give the
term "better half" new meaning.
LIAM
Shut up, dog-boy. Now, what were
you all doing spying on me anyway!
ARTURO
It was Bippo's idea.
LIAM
Bippo!
BIPPO
Sorry, man. I'm just a nosey
bastard. Here, I made you
brownies!
He hands Liam a zip-lock bag full of brownies.
LIAM
I don't know...
Bippo shoves a brownie into Liam's mouth.
LIAM
GAH! I'VE BEEN POISONED, I'VE
BEEN...
(a pause)
Hey, this is good.
BIPPO
Thanks, I got it from a recipe from
the Naked Chef.
(mumbled)
Now THAT was a let-down.
The doorbell rings.
LIAM
Oh, it's a party!
Liam answers the door. A uniformed delivery man is standing
there.
LIAM
Oh, you must be the Federal Express
guy.
DELIVERY MAN
Actually, Federal Express recently
merged with UPS. I'm with the new
company, FED UP. I have a package
for Kevin Riley?
LIAM
Yeah, he told me to get it.
DELIVERY MAN
Sign here, please.
Liam signs
DELIVERY MAN
And here.
Liam signs
DELIVERY MAN
And here.
Liam signs.
DELIVERY MAN
And here. And here. And here.
Liam signs.
DELIVERY MAN
And here in triplicate.
Liam signs.
DELIVERY MAN
And here. And here. And here.
And here. And here...
Liam signs. The Delivery Man is silent for a long long time.
DELIVERY MAN
And here.
Liam signs. The delivery man hands it over, clicks his heels
together, bows, and leaves. Liam shuts the door and puts the
package on the table.
BIPPO
Wow, Liam. They sure are putting
those blow-up Wanda dolls in small
packages.
LIAM
What are you talking about? This
isn't another blow-up Wa...
(a beat)
I mean, this isn't that horrible
thing, Bippo! Kevin Riley wanted
me to get this package for him
while he's out of town. You know
Kevin Riley, don't you professor?
ARTURO
Ah yes, I met him briefly a few
months ago when Triumph was trying
out his new act. Peculiar boy...
BIPPO
How is our little plot lamprey,
anyway?
LIAM
Fine, I guess. You are talking
about Kevin, right?
STACY
Where'd he go?
LIAM
I don't know. He said something
about going away on business.
STACY
What business? His restaurant was
shut down after that E Coli scare.
LIAM
(eating another brownie)
Well, that's what you get for
recycling the salsa.
STACY
Seriously, Liam. As far as anyone
knows, he has no job yet he always
has money.
THAD
She's nosey, but she's right.
Beyond the fact that he exists,
does anyone know anything about
Kevin Riley's life?
Everyone is silent.
BIPPO
No, but I know a way to find out!
Bippo picks up the package, flips out a switchblade, and
prepares to cut into the package. Liam swipes the package
away from him.
LIAM
No, Bippo! Kevin entrusted me with
this and I will see that this
package does not get damaged!
ARTURO
You're absolutely right, my boy.
(a pause)
We must steam it open.
LIAM
Professor!!!
ARTURO
What?
BIPPO
Give us the package, Liam!
LIAM
No! This is my responsibility!
Tell them, Stacy! Take up for me!
STACY
Forget about that, Liam! I want to
rip that package open and see
Kevin's secrets laid bare for the
world!
BIPPO
She said "laid".
LIAM
(looks longingly at Thad)
Thad?
THAD
Sorry, dude. I'm a sucker for pier
pressure.
Bippo grabs the package, Liam hold on!
LIAM
No! Nine! Nyet! Nuh-uh!
BIPPO
Surrender your package, Liam!
Suddenly, the bottom corner of the package splits open and a
fine white power begins to trickle out of the rip.
LIAM
Oh, great! You broke it!
BIPPO
That's what I do.
Arturo bends down and looks at the small collection of powder
on the floor.
ARTURO
Oh, good lord! Do you know what
this is?
Liam and Bippo stop fighting. They look down along with
everyone else.
LIAM
Confectioner's sugar?
BIPPO
Make-up powder?
STACY
Marking chalk?
THAD
Flour?
ARTURO
No, you simpletons! This is
cocaine!
LIAM
Cocaine? Don't be silly,
professor! What would Kevin be
doing with cocaine?
ARTURO
You said it yourself! He always
has "connections", he always has
lots of money even though we never
see him go to work...
THAD
You think he's a dealer?
ARTURO
It is the only explanation
LIAM
Oh, COME ON! Kevin a drug dealer?
That's the stupidest thing I've
ever heard!
ARTURO
Oh yeah, smarty pants? Then where
is the package from?
LIAM
(looks)
Columbia, but that proves nothing.
It could simply be that clear
coffee I've been hearing about,
Crystal Folgers.
STACY
Crystal Meth is more like it. I
don't believe it, he seemed so
nice.
THAD
What do we do?
BIPPO
Oo! Oo! I know! We do one of
those intervention thingies where
all of his family and friends get
together and beat the crap out of
him until he stops down the road of
destruction! I've got enough brass
knuckles for everyone, but
remember... It must be done with
love.
STACY
We have to call the police!
LIAM
The cops? Are you nuts? As soon
as word gets out that we called the
police on a dealer, we'll become
the victim of a drive-by, a hit and
run, or a snipers bullet! Maybe
all three at once! Dammit, I need
another brownie!
THAD
(raises hand)
I'm all for Bippo's plan.
ARTURO
I suggest that we allow Mister
Smith to pick up his package as
planned. We can then put an
anonymous call to the police and
have total deniability.
LIAM
(eating brownie)
Deniability is good.
Liam picks up the package. The powder is still pouring from
the rip.
THAD
Here, let me fix that.
Thad gets a large piece of gray tape and slaps it across the
rip.
ARTURO
No, you moron! If he sees that
tape on the box, he'll know that we
know what's inside!
THAD
Fine.
Thad rips the tape off taking a healthy chunk of the box with
it. More powder begins to fall out.
LIAM
Oh, CRAP!
STACY
M-Maybe we can put it in another
box!
LIAM
No, no, no, no! I don't want any
of this stuff on my hands! Dealers
are supposed to have a nose for
this kind of thing! I don't want
some crackhead sucking my hands
into their nose!
Bippo is down on the floor catching the powder in a coffee
cup.
ARTURO
Well, somebody think of
something!!!
THAD
Okay, how about we just throw it
away and tell Kevin that it never
came?
STACY
That's a good plan!
ARTURO
Yes, but we can't very well throw
it in the garbage like your common
bag of refuse or Mafia hit.
BIPPO
What if we flush it?
LIAM
Good idea!
Liam runs to the bathroom with the package. Bippo scurries
along behind him still catching the falling powder. Stacy,
Thad, and Arturo follow.
INT. THE BATHROOM
Liam stands over the toilet and drops the package in. Bippo
empties the cup.
LIAM
So long you troubling box of
trouble!
Liam flushes. Everyone watches, their expressions going from
relief to concern.
ARTURO
Try it again.
Liam flushes again. The package still doesn't go down.
STACY
Again! Again!
Liam flushes again, and again, and again!
BIPPO
My god, it's unflushable!
LIAM
What now, oh clown of many ideas
that SUCK!?
BIPPO
What if we kidnap Mister Rogers and
hold him hostage until he gives us
all his sweaters?
LIAM
How will that help?
BIPPO
What help?
LIAM
What you just said?
BIPPO
I didn't say anything!
LIAM
Yes you did!
BIPPO
Did what?
LIAM
Say something?
BIPPO
What do you want me to say?
LIAM
ARRRRRRRRGH!!!! I can't BELIEVE
you're this stupid!
BIPPO
I'm really not, I just like it when
that vein sticks out of your
forehead.
THAD
Hey, he's right! Look at that
thing!
LIAM
Guys...
THAD
It's throbbing like a subwoofer!
LIAM
WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY
FOR A MINUTE!!??
ARTURO
He's right.
LIAM
Thank you professor.
ARTURO
It IS throbbing like a subwoofer.
LIAM
GAH!
STACY
Fellas, what about the package o'
drugs?
Liam grabs the wet and soggy package out of the toilet.
LIAM
Well, at least it stopped
leaking... Probably in clumps by
now. Wow, who would have ever
thought I would have single
handedly destroyed over a thousand
dollars worth of coke.
STACY
I don't believe it!
LIAM
No, it's true! I saw what the
street value was on the Discovery
Channel.
STACY
No, I mean I can't believe you just
stuck your hands down the toilet
EVERYONE
SPEW!!!
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam and the gang come out of the bathroom.
LIAM
Okay, we can't give it to Kevin, we
can't repair it, we can't throw it
away, and we can't flush it.
BIPPO
Burn it!
LIAM
Not while it's wet, Bippo.
Camera angels on Bippo. He's looking at the Rivera casino
down the street.
BIPPO
(whispers)
Burn it!
ARTURO
Maye we can hide it in some way.
You know, temporarily until Mister
Riley passes by, and then we can
dispose of it at our leisure.
LIAM
Good idea, professor, but where do
we stash it?
STACY
Anywhere, Liam! Just hide it!
Liam picks up another brownie and begins to eat it.
LIAM
Relax, Stacy. Kevin won't be back
for hours.
The doorbell rings.
KEVIN
(off screen)
Liam, it's Kevin!
LIAM
AH!
In a panic, Liam chunks the package into the air. The soggy
mess of cardboard and liquefied powder adheres to the ceiling
with a sloppy splat sound. Everyone looks up at it.
LIAM
That'll do.
ARTURO
It'll HAVE to.
KEVIN
(off screen)
Come on, Liam. Open up!
Liam walks over and nervously opens the door.
KEVIN
'Sup?
LIAM
Uh.. Er... Uh.. You're early!
KEVIN
Yeah, I just got myself a bitchin'
Ferrari and drove back to town at
about 120 miles per hour.
STACY
A Ferrari, eh?
Stacy nudges Liam in an "I told you so!" manner.
KEVIN
So, did you get my package
LIAM
Yes.
Stacy slaps him on the back of the head.
LIAM
I mean no. No, we didn't get your
package. I guess the delivery guys
mis-snorted it.
Stacy kicks him.
LIAM
I mean, mis-SORTED it.
KEVIN
Well, dammit! I hate it when my
stuff gets lost in the mail. I
could just KILL someone!
EVERYONE
GASP!
KEVIN
But that would be wrong.
EVERYONE
Whew!
KEVIN
So, what's going on here? Why are
you all wet, Liam?
LIAM
Oh, well... You know, it was er...
The uh... El Nino.
KEVIN
El Nino?
LIAM
Uh-huh?
KEVIN
In 2001?
LIAM
Yep.
KEVIN
In your apartment?
LIAM
Well, you know it's an
unpredictable weather system! Sorry
you can't stay, Kevin! Y'all come
back now, ya' here?
Liam begins pushing Kevin out the door. Kevin rolls out of
the way.
KEVIN
Whoa! Hold on there, cowboy! I
told you my house is getting
fumigated.
LIAM
Right, sorry about that.
KEVIN
So, do you mind if I stay here for
a few hours.
Liam quickly looks up at the soggy mess of a box stuck to the
ceiling and then back at Kevin.
LIAM
W-W-Well...
KEVIN
Come on, Liam... Don't make me beg!
LIAM
Ohh...
KEVIN
Liam, you're going to make me doing
something drastic...
LIAM
OKAY! OKAY! YOU CAN STAY! JUST
DON'T KILL US!!!
KEVIN
(shocked)
I was going to say "do something
drastic like call a Holiday Inn",
but you know... Whatever works!
Kevin enters and sits on the couch.
KEVIN
So, what's happening here?
ARTURO
Oh, W-Well, we're just...
THAD
Having a little get together.
KEVIN
Cool. That's great. Liam, you
know I am really hungry. Got
anything to eat?
LIAM
Er... Y-Yeah, I guess I have a box
of crackhouse.
Kevin looks at him.
LIAM
CRACKERS!!!
KEVIN
Oh, hey. That would be great.
Liam goes to the kitchen.
LIAM
You want anything to drink?
KEVIN
Coke if you've got it.
Everyone goes silent.
LIAM
(as if a detective)
And what do you mean by that,
Kevin?
KEVIN
Well, I like Coke.
LIAM
DO YOU, Kevin? DO YOU?
Liam enters with a box of crackers and a can of Coke.
KEVIN
Thanks, Liam. You're a real pal.
LIAM
Yes, please remember what a pal I
am, Kevin. Please remember.
Arturo pulls Stacy aside.
ARTURO
We HAVE to get rid of him!
STACY
Doy, professor! But how?
ARTURO
Perhaps a diversion.
STACY
If this involves me taking off my
top, Bippo's already suggested that
twice before Kevin even showed up!
ARTURO
No, no, no... We'll save that for a
last resort. My plan is to somehow
give Kevin a reason to leave.
STACY
Got a cel phone?
ARTURO
Of course.
STACY
Give it to me. I've got an idea.
ARTURO
You're not going to make any long
distance calls, are you?
STACY
Just give it to me!
Stacy takes the cel phone and runs to the bedroom.
KEVIN
(talking to Bippo and a
nervous Thad, & Liam)
...so I says to him, What? Do you
think I'm made of money? But he
wouldn't budge so I just gave him
the roll of hundreds I was carrying
with me and bought the car.
BIPPO
Ah... So you're good with DEALERS!
Music sting.
BIPPO
...of cars.
KEVIN
Yes, I guess I have a knack for
dealing.
Music sting.
KEVIN
If fact, I could take a CRACK at
DEALING professionally.
Music sting.
KEVIN
Where the hell is that music coming
from?
LIAM
(eating another brownie)
What music?
The phone rings. Liam answers.
LIAM
WSUX is the station for me, with
continuous classics and fun!
(a pause)
What?
(a pause)
Yeah, he's here.
Liam gives the phone to Kevin.
LIAM
Kevin, it's for you.
KEVIN
Thanks.
(to phone)
Yellow?
STACY
(over phone, really bad
attempt to disguise
voice)
Is this Kevin Riley?
KEVIN
Yes, this is Kevin Riley.
STACY
Kevin Riley, this is the fumigation
company.
KEVIN
The Bug Reaper?
STACY
Bug raper?
KEVIN
No, Bug Reaper. That's the name of
your company, right?
STACY
Yeah, that's the one. Listen,
we're done fumigating your house
and you can go home now. I think
you should leave immediately and go
home, all right?
KEVIN
Well, okay.
STACY
Good, well... Good-bye.
KEVIN
Bye.
He hangs up.
KEVIN
Liam, what phone company are you
on? That was amazing! It sounded
like they were in the next room!
LIAM
AT&T...
(he begins to snicker)
AT&A
Liam laughs hysterically. Stacy enters.
STACY
(innocently)
Who was that on the phone, Liam?
KEVIN
Oh, that was the Bug Reaper.
ARTURO
Bug raper?
LIAM
Yeah, man! They RAPE bugs!
Liam snickers uncontrollably.
KEVIN
No, reaper... Anyway, it seems my
house is done and I can go home
now.
STACY
Well, then... By all means, you
should go!
ARTURO
Yes, go!
THAD
Yeah, Kevin! Go!
LIAM
(lauging)
There's no place like home,
Dorothy!
KEVIN
(confused)
Well, okay... I guess I should go
home and make sure they didn't
steal any of my stuff.
LIAM
Don't you mean your STASH, DRUG
DEALER!?
Everyone groans.
KEVIN
Do what?
LIAM
We're on to you, you dealer of
filth!
BIPPO
Not to sound like Nancy Reagan, but
drugs kill and, dammit, THAT'S MY
JOB!!!
KEVIN
What the hell are you talking
about?
Just then, the box that was stuck to the ceiling comes loose
with a SHLOOP sound and lands at Kevin's feet.
KEVIN
What the hell!?
ARTURO
Oh, BOLLOCKS!!!
THAD
We are so boned.
STACY
Kevin, I can explain!
KEVIN
What's there to explain? You
opened the package after you triple
dog promised with no earasies!
LIAM
But... But...
(snickers)
Baby got butts!
Liam laughs hysterically.
BIPPO
You violated a "no earasies"
promise? You SCUMBAG!!!
KEVIN
Well, I suppose there's only one
thing I can do right now.
Kevin reaches into his jacket pocket.
STACY
HE'S GOT A GUN!!!
BIPPO
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
THAD
Well, you guys are. As long as
those bullets aren't silver, I'm
golden.
(to Kevin)
They AREN'T silver, are they?
KEVIN
What are you guys talking about?
Kevin takes a pair of glasses out of his pocket and puts them
on.
ARTURO
Look, Riley, we can't spend time
pussy-footing around this issue
anymore. We've acted like complete
baboons the last several pages,
and...
KEVIN
Pages?
ARTURO
What?
KEVIN
You said you've been acting like
baboons for the last several pages.
ARTURO
I said the last several minutes.
KEVIN
I'm certain you didn't.
ARTURO
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT!!!
STACY
Look, Kevin, to make a long story
short, we know. We know what was
in the package. We know everything
and we can't allow you to continue
doing it.
Kevin thinks about that for a minute.
KEVIN
You guys don't understand. The
money is so good! Ever since I
lost the restaurant, I've been
barely scraping by and then I was
caught up in all of this and...
STACY
Kevin, you have to get out!
KEVIN
I can't get out! They'll just come
after me again.
THAD
Why didn't you say something
before?
KEVIN
I couldn't! I Was too embarrassed
that I had sunk low enough to sell
it.
THAD
Dude, come on. This isn't safe!
KEVIN
I can't get out of it.
(a pause)
I've been taking some. I'm hooked.
A beat.
ARTURO
Maybe we can get you help. One of
those twelve-step programs.
KEVIN
Are you kidding me? I don't want
to give this stuff up! It's the
greatest thing that's ever happened
to me!
ARTURO
Huh?
KEVIN
Have you ever seen such tight
pores? Such clear skin?
Liam is in the background flying a brownie around like an
airplane and making airplane noises. He "crashes" it into
his mouth and chews making sounds like a pilot screaming,
"NO! ARGH!"
ARTURO
But that stuff is deadly!
KEVIN
What? Deadly? No, that's
preposterous, professor! They test it
on animals first.
A beat.
STACY
Okay, I'm totally lost now.
KEVIN
What are you talking about?
THAD
KEVIN!!! Drop the crap! We know
you're a drug dealer!
A beat.
KEVIN
Thad, what are you talking about?
STACY
The package from Columbia, the
white powder, the money you always
have... Admit it, you're a pusher!
Kevin stands there in shock and then bursts out laughing.
LIAM
I made a funny?
KEVIN
You...? You think I'm a...? Oh,
MAN that's rich!
ARTURO
You mean... You're not?
KEVIN
NO! I never touch the stuff!
THAD
But then... What was...?
Thad points to the package on the floor. Kevin rises, walks
over to it, and tears it open. He holds up a small
container.
KEVIN
It's Mary Kay, you morons!
STACY
You're selling... Make-up?
KEVIN
Not just any make-up! Mary Kay,
the finest make-up in the world.
BIPPO
WHOA! WHOA! Back the hell up!
You mean to tell us that you've
been making thousands and thousands
of dollars from selling Mary Kay!?
KEVIN
Like I said, I have a knack for it.
That, and Donner buys a lot of
Nair. Have you ever seen him with
his shirt off? He's like a damn
wookie!
THAD
But.. The powder?
KEVIN
It's called a base. You use
it to set make-up so it doesn't
smear.
STACY
YOU SAID YOU WERE HOOKED!?
KEVIN
I am... on Mary Kay's astringent.
I haven't had a pimple in a month!
BIPPO
Yeah, you guys... Columbia is the
main Headquarters behind Mary Kay
and all of Mary Kay's fine
products.
KEVIN
That reminds me, Bippo. You're
Clown-White face paint arrived
yesterday.
BIPPO
Oh, goody!
ARTURO
Bippo, you mean to tell me that you
knew the entire time that Kevin was
selling make-up and YOU NEVER TOLD
US!?
BIPPO
Well, how do you think I feel? YOU
never told me that YOU were from a
parallel universe!
ARTURO
YES I DID!!! YOU CAME WITH ME TO A
PARALLEL UNIVERSE, YOU CRAZY
CLOWN!!!
BIPPO
Please... Please... Shouting will
solve nothing.
LIAM
(to Kevin, giggling)
Wow, so this entire mess has been
nothing but a big kooky
misunderstanding the type of which
fuels inane situation comedies.
STACY
Yeah, imagine.
KEVIN
Don't worry, Liam. I'm sure that
anyone with an IQ equivalent to his
shoe size and a tendency to jump to
conclusion that lead others into
attacks of panic would have made
the same mistake.
LIAM
I know that's supposed to make me
feel better, but it's just not
working. Well, sorry for thinking
you're a cut-throat murdering drug
dealer, Kevin. Want a brownie?
They're goooooooood!
KEVIN
No, thanks. I gotta go now.
Apparently, the fumigation of my
home is finished.
Kevin picks up his soggy ruined package and goes to leave.
Bippo and Thad follows him out.
THAD
So, tell me Kevin. That Nair...
does it come in extra-strength?
Because I have a friend with a hair
problem.
They exit.
ARTURO
Well, Liam, I hope you've learned
your lesson.
LIAM
Yes I have, professor. All of this
came about because I did a favor
for a friend so I'll never do a
favor for a friend ever again for
as long as I live.
ARTURO
That's not what I...
(a pause)
Oh, forget it. I have work to do.
Arturo exits. Stacy and Liam sit on the couch.
LIAM
So, what do you want to do now?
STACY
If you're thinking sex, no. I've
sworn off sex before marriage
thanks to that Gary bastard.
LIAM
Actually, I was thinking something
along the lines of a movie or
something, you dirty girl.
STACY
(a horrible thought)
OH NO!!! I just remembered!
Kevin's going home because I told
him that his house was fumigated!
LIAM
So?
STACY
So, if he goes into his house while
the poisons are still in the air,
he'll die!
LIAM
No he won't.
STACY
What!?
LIAM
Listen, I'm fairly certain at this
point that he's Capeman, and if
he's not then a little poison won't
hurt him anyway since he's been
taking and dealing drugs. His body
should be used to it.
STACY
WHAT!? Liam, we just found out
that Kevin WASN'T a drug dealer!
LIAM
Huh? I thought that Mary Kay was
another word for marijuana
STACY
That's MARY JANE, you dip!
LIAM
And you know that because?
STACY
I saw it on TV!
LIAM
Sure you did, Stacy! Sure you did!
STACY
Look, I don't have time for this!
I have to go rescue the guys.
Liam, actually try to use that
brain of yours and if you still
haven't got it figured out by the
time I get back I'll explain it to
you with the sock puppets, okay?
Stacy runs out the door leaving Liam alone. He turns on the
TV.
TV
We now return to Gene Roddenberry's
Andromeda.
LIAM
GAH!
Liam clicks off the TV and throws the remote out the window.
LIAM
Now THAT'S something that'll kill
brain cells.
A spotlight is turned on him. He rises and begins to address
the camera.
LIAM
...and that's the tragedy we've
been trying a address today. Bad
television is the nation's number
one killer of brain cells, so
please... When Andromeda, Crusade,
Lexx, or any other of the numerous
bad science fiction shows come on
your television, just do what I do:
Just say no!
Arturo pokes his head into the room which returns the
lighting to normal.
ARTURO
Liam, who the hell are you talking
to?
LIAM
(confused)
No one.
Arturo grimaces and leaves.
LIAM
Man, Bippo makes good brownies.
Liam takes a bite of the brownie.
LIAM
GAH! KILLER FLYING PURPLE
ELEPHANTS!!! GAAAAAH!!! HELP!!!
Liam swats at the air and then jumps out the window.
FADE TO:
BLACK
EVERY YEAR, BROWNIE ADDICTION CLAIMS THE SANITY OF 3.4
MILLION AMERICANS. THE LIAM SMITH SHOW URGES YOU TO JUST SAY
NO TO THEIR CHOCOLATEY GOODNESS.
EXT. THE SOUTH PACIFIC
Capeman stands up in the middle of the flaming debris of
the Mir Space Station and looks around.
CAPEMAN
My goodness, I almost suffered
a Mir-Death experience! It was
a Mir-Miss! I Mir-lee didn't make
it! It's a Mir-acle! This plucky
little space station has helped me
see the light! My God... what have
I been doing with my life!? Well,
there's still time... time to set
things right... from this day on,
the world will know a NEW CAPEMAN!
A pause. Capeman salutes the fallen station.
CAPEMAN
But first, I'm going to drop this
sucker on the Taco Bell target and
get me some free tacos! I love me
some tacos!
Capeman picks up Mir and flies into the sunset.
THE END