What follows is an April Fools gag.
Please, do not take this episode seriously or consider it a part of continuity.
In fact, just don't read it.
JAY AND JASON
"Beyond the Blue Neon"
Written by Jason Donner
INT. JASON'S OFFICE
JASON, KAL, EMILY, LIBBY, and CATHY are seated at a table
covered in papers and storyboards. There are also a couple
of laptops open.
KAL
...so here's what I think, since
Survivor is so successful, why
don't we just copy the idea and
come out with our own reality-based
TV show.
CATHY
Isn't that a little disingenuous?
KAL
(rolls eyes)
Tuh! I don't know the meaning of
the word.
LIBBY
We don't have time for this.
KAL
No, seriously... I don't know the
meaning of the word! Did you just
compliment me or insult me?
JASON
Kal, we've got a deadline to come
up with the newest FOX series and
we're not going to impress anyone
with rip-offs of existing shows!
Well... David Peckinpah maybe, but
who gives a crap about him?
KAL
No, no, no... You misunderstand!
You see, on our show, the survivors
will carry cameras with them
documenting their ordeal while they
answer questions of increasing
difficulty until they earn, say, a
million dollars!
CATHY
So, in addition to ripping off
Survivor, you're ripping off The
Blair Witch Project and Who Wants
to be a Millionaire
KAL
I like to think of it as "paying
homage".
JASON
Sort of like the way O.J. refers to
himself as "an upstanding citizen".
Look, we can either go with Kal's
idea for The Who Wants to Be a
Survivor Project, or we can go with
the idea that we spent weeks
developing with our blood sweat and
tears. The project that smells of
Emmys, Golden Globes, and hundreds
of other phoney baloney awards.
So, show of hands... Who wants to
show the studio execs the Survivor
rip off?
Kal raises his hands.
JASON
And I count one. All for the good
idea?
Libby, Emily, Cathy, and Jason raise their hands.
JASON
And I count four... Okay, the good
show wins.
KAL
I demand a recount.
JASON
Fair enough. Libby?
LIBBY
We have one for Kal's idiotic idea,
and... let's see... One, two,
three, and four for the good idea.
KAL
I object! This polling system
isn't fair to minorities!
EMILY
Which minorities?
KAL
The minority that didn't win! Me!
Jason gathers up the papers.
JASON
I'll light a candle for you, Kal.
In the meantime, I have a series to
sell.
CATHY
Good luck, Jason.
JASON
SHHHH!
CATHY
Huh?
JASON
Don't say "good luck"! In showbiz,
it's bad luck to say "good luck"!
You're supposed to say, "Break a
leg!"
CATHY
Oh, well then... Break a leg!
Jason nods and heads for the door, tripping over a waste
basket.
JASON
SON OF A...!!!
CATHY
What?
JASON
Some idiot put a trash can in the
middle of the aisle! I almost
broke my leg!
Jason gathers his papers and heads out the door.
CATHY
Well, break a leg!
JASON
NO! Don't say THAT either!
CATHY
Oh.
(a pause)
Good luck!
JASON
GAH!
Jason quickly leaves.
INT. FOX TELEVISION PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Jason stands in the middle of a dark, dark room nervously
looking at the desk in front of him that rises twenty feet
into the air. At the desk, sits EVIL EXEC #1, EVIL EXEC #2,
EVIL EXEC #3, and DAVID PECKINPAH. On the desk sits a statue
of Scrappy Doo and a stuffed hamster.
JASON
...and then, after all the
adversity of the pilot... the
family stays together.
The evil execs are silent.
EVIL EXEC #1
WE ARE DISPLEASED!!!
JASON
You are?
EVIL EXEC #2
WHEN WE INTRUSTED THIS PROJECT TO
YOU, WE EXPECTED SOMETHING
SENSATIONAL AND EXPLOITATIVE WITH
THE WORDS "SCARIEST SOMETHING WHEN
SOMETHING DOES SOMETHING" IN IT!
EVIL EXEC #3
INSTEAD, YOU BRING US A TEAR
JEARKING SCRIPT OF LIFE-AFFIRMING
VALUES AND FAMILY GOODNESS.
EVIL EXEC #1
WE ARE FOX!
EVIL EXEC #2
NOT FOX FAMILY!
JASON
B-But, we worked weeks on this!
The script for the pilot's already
won the screenwriter's guild award
for best screenplay!
Evil Exec #2 takes the script and puts it in the shredder
causing Jason to emit a sharp shrill shriek.
EVIL EXEC #2
THAT IS WHAT WE THINK OF QUALITY!
David Peckinpah magically appears next to Jason in a puff of
black smoke.
DAVID PECKINPAH
Perhaps you could come up with
something based on an existing all
ready sucessful show? Like,
"Friends" or "Touched by an Angel".
In fact, combine the two and we
have "Touched by a Friend"! That
gives me a boner just thinking
about it!
Jason inches away from David Peckinpah.
EVIL EXEC #1
YOU ARE HERBY ORDERED TO DELIVER A
NEW PILOT BY MIDNIGHT TOMORROW OR
YOU AND YOUR STAFF WILL BE FIRED.
JASON
So, let me get this straight... You
want me tom come up with a show
full of mindless stupidity and
stuff that's been done before?
EVIL EXEC #3
Correct! I Mean, CORRECT!!!
JASON
But... I don't think I'm capable of
that level of plagiarism and
hackery!
EVIL EXEC #2
IN THAT CASE, TAKE THE ONE CALLED
"PECK-IN-PAW". HE WILL ASSIST YOU.
DAVID PECKINPAH
He will join us or die, master.
(to Jason)
I just made that up!
JASON
Kill me.
INT. JASON'S OFFICE
Kal, Libby, Cathy, Emily, and Kathy are listening to David
Peckinpah.
DAVID PECKINPAH
And so you see, we can take the
general idea for Star Trek, combine
it with Babylon 5 and Hercules and
then wham, bam, thank you ma'am,
we've got a space action drama with
crappy special effects, hack
writers, and bad actors.
EMILY
You IDIOT! You just copied an
existing rip-off!
KAL
That may be true, but I like the
way this man thinks! DAVID, quick!
I need a show that's one half ER, a
quarter NYPD Blue, a fifteenth X
Files, and a tenth Big Wolf on
Campus.
David thinks for half a second.
DAVID PECKINPAH
The show takes place in a hospital
where two former members of the New
York police force operate without
licenses on supernatural creatures
like zombies and werewolves. I see
John Goodman and Paul Rieser as the
lead and Kari Wuhrer in a biker
jacket riding a Harley.
KAL
I LOVE this guy! He even threw in
a little Mercy Point!
JASON
Oh, Jesus.
LIBBY
As much as I hate to say it, we've
only got 36 hours to come up with
our pilot. Anybody got any ideas?
Remember, keep them unintelligent.
Everyone looks at Kal and David Peckinpah.
KAL
Uh... Okay.
DAVID PECKINPAH
Look, I'm no good unless I have an
existing idea to work with.
KAL
Let's see what's playing in the
movie theater.
He picks up a newspaper.
KAL
Okay, we've got a retrospective on
Leaving Las Vegas playing with
Killer Klowns from Outer Space and
Looser.
DAVID PECKINPAH
Jason, take notes.
Jason gets out a notepad and starts writing.
DAVID PECKINPAH
(goes to work)
Here's our premise: We have a
lovable looser who lives in Las
Vegas with his wacky killer clown
sidekick. What else do we have?
Kal flips through the paper.
KAL
Reruns of Sliders on Sci-Fi channel
after a Dark Shadows marathon and
Charlie's Angels on Pay-Per-View.
DAVID PECKINPAH
And what does your plagiarism
instincts tell you?
KAL
Er... Uh... We have a kindly
professor-like mentor, a vampire,
and Cameron Diaz?
DAVID PECKINPAH
You show promise.
JASON
Oh, for God's sake! Why don't you
just throw in talking dogs,
superheroes, and werewolves!?
DAVID PECKINPAH
Ooo, good idea, Donner! And throw
in some hookers! I like me some
hookers!
JASON
I understand
INSERT SHOT
Jason's notepad. He writes I'M WORKING WITH MORONS!!! over
and over again.
DAVID PECKINPAH
Whew! I'm spent! I'm going down
to the Naughty Nancy to get my
nipples fondled. Coming, Kal?
KAL
(grabs coat)
You're my idol!
David Peckinpah and Kal leaves.
LIBBY
They CAN'T be serious!
JASON
Dear Lord in heaven, I think that
they are.
EMILY
But, how will you fit all of that
crap into one TV show?
JASON
What do you mean me?
CATHY
Well, we're not touching that with
a ten-foot pole.
LIBBY
I wouldn't touch the ten foot pole
you used to touch it with a ten
foot pole.
EMILY
Sorry, Jason. But it's better for
all of us if you write it, and by
"all of us", I mean everyone but
you.
JASON
I hate today.
INT. THE PIZZA PARLOR
Jason is talking to JAY, KEVIN, and JESSI at a table.
JASON
...and now I'M supposed to write
this monster!
JAY
Ugh! Guess it's a good thing
you've got that degree to fall back
on, huh?
JASON
I lied to you, Jay... My degree
wasn't in English... It's...
COMMUNICATIONS!
Everyone gasps.
JAY
Welp, we're doomed.
JESSI
Not so.
JASON
What do you mean?
JESSI
Well, maybe you could disguise the
show in a grand story arch.
JASON
An arch? Does that work?
JESSI
It worked for J. Michael
Strazinski.
JAY
You know, I hate to say this, but
Jessi is right. I mean, look at
that horrible soap opera, Passions.
It's got to be the stupidest thing
on TV, but people tune in every
week for the sole purpose of
finding out what is going to happen
next.
Crunch and Larry show up.
CRUNCH
Did someone mention Passions?
LARRY
God, I LOVE that show!
JESSI
I rest my case.
JASON
Noted. You know, suddenly I don't
feel the little cloud of doom over
my head. Who knows, this little
pilot may not be so bad after all!
Hell, I'm already getting ideas for
it! I GOTTA GO!
Jason takes off.
JAY
Ugh. He's got that gung-ho look on
his face again. Kevin, go after
him and stop him from doing
something stupid.
Kevin sighs, gets up, and goes after Jason.
JESSI
Are you seriously sending Kevin
after Jason to keep him out of
trouble?
JAY
Naw, I just wanted to get rid of
Kevin too. Now, about Passions...
What happened yesterday?
INT. THE CITY STREET
Jason is walking along talking to himself.
JASON
Okay, the protagonist has to be
someone who is stupid, yet lovable.
Clueless, yet heroic.
He trips and hears the voice of TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG.
TRIUMPH
Hey, watch where you're going, you
jackass!
JASON
Whu...!?
Jason whirls around and sees a stray dog colored something
like Triumph walking away down an alley.
VOICE
Are you all right, honey?
Jason looks up and sees CHOCOLATE TREAT.
JASON
GAH! IT'S YOU!!! THE HOOKER FROM
MY AS-YET-UNWRITTEN SCRIPT!!!
Kevin walks over and takes Jason by the shoulders.
KEVIN
Yo, J-man, what's the dilly-o!
Jason stops raving for a second and looks back over as
Chocolate Treat who has, by this time, disappeared.
JASON
K-Kevin, I think I'm starting to
crack-up... I just had a run in
with two characters from my script.
KEVIN
Freaky. Think you can write the
sequel to Space Bimbos from
Jupiter?
JASON
This is serious, Kevin!
KEVIN
So am I!
JASON
I think I'd better go home. The
sooner I get this script written,
the better off I'll be.
INT. JASON'S APARTMENT
Jason is busy at his computer slowly reading what he's
written.
JASON
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT. Liam Smith,
Bippo the Clown and Thad Coffey are
on Liam's couch when suddenly, the
villain enters.
(a beat)
Villain What villain? CRAP! I
DON'T HAVE A Villain I NEED A
Villain!!
The phone rings.
JASON
Yellow?
DAVID PECKINPAH
(on phone)
Hello, this is a recording from the
offices of David Peckinpah
reminding you that you have
(different voice)
Twelve hours
(normal voice)
To complete your script or you're
fired. Have a Peckinpahish day!
Jason hangs up, looks back at his computer and smiles.
JASON
(typing)
Suddenly, SATAN enters...
INT. JASON'S APARTMENT - THE NEXT DAY
Jay comes out of the bedroom and looks over Jason's shoulder.
JASON
(typing)
THE END!
JAY
Congratulations. How is it?
JASON
It's a ninety page treatment chock
full of unabashed and unsurging
crap.
JAY
Oh, honey! FOX Will be so proud of
you!
JASON
All I have to do now is run this
piece of feces down to the office
and present it to the execs.
JAY
I'll be sure to have the fireplace
going so we can burn the stench out
of your clothes when you get back.
INT. JASON'S OFFICE
Jason walks in. Libby, Emily, and Cathy run up to him.
LIBBY
JASON! Did you give the script to
David Peckinpah yet?
JASON
No, I told him to meet us here.
EMILY
Whatever you do, don't give the
script to him! He's tricked you!
JASON
Do what?
CATHY
I found out that he hyptonized you
with one of his show descriptions
and planted a command in your mind
to obsess about the pilot script so
you would write it regardless of
whether it was crap or not!
JASON
WHAT!?
CATHY
Yeah, and he's planning on stealing
your script and taking credit for
it away from you, leaving you to
get fired!
JASON
How do you know this?
CATHY
He talks in his sleep.
Jason looks at her.
JASON
You didn't!
CATHY
I thought that he was kind of cute,
but it turns out that he's about as
endowed as your average pygmy
shrew.
JASON
Well, that's a little more than I
wanted to know, but nonetheless, I
can't let Peckerhead take this
script! Despite the fact that it
has twenty-eight different genres
smashed into an almost
incomprehensible thirty minutes,
it's good!
LIBBY
Bull!
Jason gives Libby the script.
LIBBY
(reading)
Hey, he's right! For some reason,
this isn't nearly as repugnant as
you would think it would be.
EMILY
In that case, we need to hide it,
but Peckerhead is coming right now
and he'll expect a script.
LIBBY
Well, give him this.
She hands them a script.
JASON
What is it?
LIBBY
It's a copy of the script to the
television miniseries, "The Day
After".
JASON
The one about World War III?
LIBBY
Yeah?
JASON
(leafing through script)
I love that one!
DAVID PECKINPAH and KAL enters laughing.
DAVID PECKINPAH
And then Sabrina Lloyd looks at me
with tears in her eyes and says, me
or Kari Wuhrer, and I said KARI!
Kal and David Peckinpah erupt in laughter.
DAVID PECKINPAH
Ah, the day I can't stomp and
defecate on the dreams of young
actors is the day I hang up my
photocopier for good!
KAL
Don't say things like that!
DAVID PECKINPAH
Kal, I've enjoyed our time
together. Too bad we don't have
any time for the real male bonding
that I learned in prison.
David Peckinpah gooses Kal and, before he can react, goes to
Jason.
DAVID PECKINPAH
Speaking of unpleasant experiences,
have you finished my script yet?
JASON
Er, yes.
Jason hands the script to Peckinpah.
DAVID PECKINPAH
HA! HA! HA! YOU FOOL! I TRICKED
YOU INTO WRITING THIS SCRIPT SO
THAT I MAY REAP THE FRUITS OF YOUR
LABOR!
KAL
Gross! Now he wants to reap
Jason's fruits?
DAVID PECKINPAH
SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!
David Peckinpah leaps out of the office.
KAL
I can't believe that my hero would
stoop so low.
LIBBY
We're all shocked about his trying
to steal Jason's script.
KAL
Well, THAT'S bad too I guess. I
can't believe he grabbed my ass!
EMILY
Actually, I can't believe anyone
would!
JASON
Well, the pilot for The Liam Smith
Show is safe, but...
CATHY
But what?
JASON
I don't know if the world is ready
for it.
LIBBY
I know what you mean. The first
few pages itself was a virtual
cornucopia of drama and comedy, the
likes of which I have never seen
and will be forever touched by.
Thank you, Jason. From the bottom
of my heart... Thank you.
JASON
Uh-huh. Well, my mind's made up...
The Liam Smith Show is just too far
ahead of it's time to become a real
television show.
KAL
So what are you going to do with
it?
JASON
I don't know.
EMILY
Guys, we've got other things to
worry about right now, like what
the hell are WE going to do for a
script now? We've only got an hour
until the deadline!
KAL
Well...
Everyone looks at Kal.
FADE TO:
INT. JASON'S APARTMENT
Jason and Jay are watching TV.
REPORTER
Today, David Peckinpah received his
forty-sixth Pulitzer prize for his
television movie, "The Day After A
Bunch of Bombs Fell From the Sky
After They Were Shot Out of Russia,
Those Communist Bastards".
DAVID PECKINPAH
You like me, you REALLY like me!
REPORTER
That's the news, stay tuned to FOX
for our exciting new game show,
"The Who Wants to Be a Survivor
Project"
CONTESTANT
(shivering)
I am so scared right now.
Jay switches off the TV.
JAY
Well, you saved your phoney baloney
job and made one of the biggest
hacks in television history a hero.
JASON
Not a bad day's work.
JAY
But there's one thing that I don't
understand.
JASON
Then you're two ahead of me!
JAY
What DID you do with your script?
I hear that it was really good.
JASON
I intrusted it to a friend of mine
in Texas who promised to hold it
for safe keeping.
JAY
You mean that idiot who runs The
Slightly Warped Website at
www.slightlywarped.com?
JASON
Yeah, that's him.
JAY
Well, I was just surfing his site
partaking of the great parodies and
originals he has and I noticed that
he's got a new page up called, "The
Liam Smith Show".
JASON
WHAT!?
Jason runs over to the computer and clicks on the address.
JASON
WHAT!? He-He totally changed the
pilot! Now it's a complete chunk
of crap wrapped in a layer of
nougat and more crap! He-He's got
Liam fighting Ginger Spice and....
WHAT THE HELL ARE CRUNCH AND LARRY
DOING THERE!!! GAR!!!
Jason slams his fist into the monitor which sparks and
catches flames.
JASON
Jay?
JAY
Yes hon?
JASON
Be a dear and call an ambulance,
would you?
EXT. JASON'S APARTMENT
The ambulance has pulled up and EMT's are carrying Jason on a
stretcher with bandages all over his burned and broken arm.
INT. THE AMBULANCE
Jason is loaded and an EMT attends to him. We don't see the
EMT's face yet.
EMT
Wow, you really hurt yourself, huh?
Let me guess, the computer said
"enter your response" and you did?
JASON
I just had the greatest literary
work of the twentieth century
stolen from me by a hack parody
writer from Texas who totally
ruined it.
EMT
Wow, that sucks.
JASON
I'd really like more pain
medication please.
EMT
Sure.
JASON
And if you're going by David
Peckinpah's house, could you do me
a teensy favor and run him over?
EMT
We'll see what we can do. Well,
you look fit as a fiddle, Mister
Donner. You just rest now.
The EMT climbs to the front of the ambulance as Jason begins
to doze off.
JASON
Yeah... Rest is good.
Jason relaxes, but is suddenly awakened by a presence. He
looks up and sees...
JASON
Hey, you're BROCK PETERS! I loved
you as Sisko's dad on DS9!
BROCK PETERS
Have faith, Brother Benny! You
will prevail!
JASON
What?
BROCK PETERS
Wait a minute... You're not Brother
Benny!
JASON
No...
BROCK PETERS
Sorry... Wrong ambulance.
Brock Peters opens the rear door and jumps out, his body
tumbling on the hard pavement behind the ambulance.
JASON
This has been a weird day.
INT. THE AMBULANCE - THE FRONT
The EMT climbs into the passenger seat and takes off his cap.
We see that its CRUNCH. He turns to the driver, LARRY.
LARRY
How is he?
CRUNCH
Pretty pissed off and delusional.
LARRY
Poor Jason. He came up with a sit
com that could have changed the
world, but it was stolen and made
into a crappy internet show.
CRUNCH
Yeah, well... What can I say? Life
sucks then you die. Let's just
hurry up and drop him off at the
hospital. I hear that "The Day
After A Bunch of Bombs Fell From
the Sky After They Were Shot Out of
Russia, Those Communist Bastards"
is coming on tonight.
LARRY
I LOVE THAT MOVIE!
EXT. THE HIGHWAY
The ambulance rolls out of sight into the setting sun.
FADE OUT
THE END