EXT. LAS VEGAS - THE FAR FUTURE
The city is a marvel in this far off age, with magnificently
designed buildings reaching up impossibly high in the sky,
and sleek flying vehicles darting around them. In a few
instances, we even see people flying with artificial gravity
belts. The air is crystal clear and all sorts of birds (from
now-endangered Eagles to Doves and Whooping cranes) fly by.
Throughout the city, trees are visible, giving the Las Vegas
of the future a naturalistic feel. The camera does a fly
thorough of this remarkable achievement during the credits.
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Also Starring
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Rupaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"
Billy Blanks
as
"Rock"
Dolph Lungren
as
"Tank"
and
Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
Guest Starring
Joan Rivers
as
"The Voice of Suit"
Keith David
as
"Arlyis"
Siegfried and Roy
and
Charlie O'Connell
as
"himself"
And Introducing
Gary Dourdan
as
"Tempus"
As the credits come to a close, the camera centers in on the
most grand structure of them all, a skyscraper made almost
entirely out of what appears to be glass. As we get closer,
the words EARTH CENTER OF TEMPORAL CONSERVATION is seen
etched on the side. Smaller lettering underneath says NO
SOLICITORS.
The following subtitle appears:
Las Vegas, Nevada
Thursday,
April 19th, 3033 AD
INT. AN OFFICE
The large corner office is almost as spectacular as the
outside vista. Floor to ceiling windows offer a great view
of the city as the sun is setting in the background. At a
large desk fashioned out of a giant redwood stump, we see a
dark skinned man sitting dictating to SIL, a transparent
holographic secretary. The man is PRIME CONSERVER ARLYIS.
ARLYIS
...so the meeting with the Nuperi
ambassador has been postponed until
the chronological disturbance in
Jovian Space has been identified.
Also, make a note that the word
"sir" translates into a vulgar
Nuperi word for the male anatomy,
so please refrain from calling any
of them "sir" during contact. Any
other business, Sil?
SIL
Yes, Arlyis, Tempus has just
arrived.
ARLYIS
About time. You'd think that my
own son would be a little more
punctual. I'm in charge of
maintaining Earth's timeline and I
can't even get HIM to respect the
clock!
SIL
Perhaps he will learn after his new
assignment.
ARLYIS
We can only hope. Thank you, Sil.
Send him in.
Sil nods and vanishes in a video effect. The large doors to
the office slide open and TEMPUS enters.
TEMPUS
You wanted to see me, dad?
ARLYIS
Tempus, have a seat. How was Alpha
Centauri
TEMPUS
Oh, you know... Ever since Disney
bought the system, it's been
nothing but a tourist trap. It's a
smaller world this and it's a
smaller world that... UGH! So,
what's the 4-1-1?
ARLYIS
Our temporal observers on Makuus
Prime have made a rather
interesting discovery. It seems
that we're living in one of two
alternate future timeliness.
TEMPUS
Do tell?
ARLYIS
It's true. It turns out that this
isn't the present as we've always
thought, but rather the future.
TEMPUS
So, we're living in the future?
ARLYIS
Correct.
TEMPUS
Then where's the present?
ARLYIS
That's where it gets interesting.
How much do you know about the
early 21st century?
TEMPUS
I don't and neither does anyone
else! It's largely a blank. Most
of the records of that period have
been destroyed or lost over the
last millennium. Most paper
records were burned in the asteroid
impact of the 24th century,
computer records were lost when
Microsoft assimilated the planetary
mainframe in 2779, and all videos
were erased in 2802 in an
electromagnetic pulse during the
second coming of Jesus. All we DO
know is that in the first couple of
years in the 21st century, there
was some sort of a crisis that came
within a gnat's fart of destroying
all life on Earth... Perhaps the
entire universe, but what the
crisis was or how it was averted
has always been a mystery only
vaguely alluded too in the three
pages of the Death Valley Scrolls.
ARLYIS
You said it was averted.
TEMPUS
Yes.
ARLYIS
What if I told you it wasn't
averted... Not yet.
TEMPUS
Do what?
ARLYIS
It turns out that the present is
currently traveling through the
early 21st century right now.
About a quarter of the way through
2001 in fact. Remember how I told
you that we're living in one of two
possible timelines? Well, ours is
the one where the crisis was
averted.
TEMPUS
Don't tell me. The other timeline
is where the crisis actually
happened.
ARLYIS
Exactly. Such a disaster that far
back in time would be catastrophic
to our world. If it is allowed to
happen, we will simply cease to
exist.
TEMPUS
I hate this kind of stuff. Okay,
let me get this straight... You're
telling me that even though I was
born and lived in the 31st century
all my life, that none of this has
really happened yet and that,
technically, none of us exist and
that this isn't the present, but
rather the future to the present
which is actually over a thousand
years ago. But, if you think about
it, that would make LAST YEAR the
future as well! But, if none of us
exist anymore, how could we know
about this since we're intangible
since the present hasn't arrived
yet and...
(doubles over and holds
head)
OW! OW! BLOOD VESSEL RUPTURE!!!
OW! OW!
Arlyis rises and runs a medical instrument over Tempus' head.
ARLYIS
Best not to think about it too
much, son, or you'll have an
aneurysm. The whole ordeal has
already turned four temporal
scientists into drooling babbling
idiots.
TEMPUS
So, what are we going to do?
ARLYIS
Give them a talk show or elect them
to public service.
TEMPUS
I MEAN what are we going to do
about the present?
ARLYIS
There is no we, son. You're going
to travel back to the present and
help stop the crisis from
happening, assuring that we in the
future will exist.
TEMPUS
Me!? I can't go back there! Don't
you realize what a barbaric time
that was?
ARLYIS
It'll be difficult, yes, but I have
faith in you.
TEMPUS
But, they didn't have flying cars
in the 21st century! It took them
hours to get from point A to point
B! There was Watergate, witch
burning, bubonic plague, and
crusades! I'll be killed!
ARLYIS
If you don't go, you may not exist
in the first place! None of us
will!
Arlyis walks to the window.
ARLYIS
Look at that out there! There's no
suffering, no ecological
destruction, and no hatred. The
FOX network has been abolished and
all of Chevy Chase's movies have
been bond together and shot into
the sun. We have active trade with
five hundred alien races and one
hundred Earths from parallel
dimensions. Earth is regarded
throughout the Milky Way as a
Utopia and it is ALL riding on this
mission.
TEMPUS
Gee, no pressure.
ARLYIS
Suit up. You're temporal jump will
take pace immediately.
TEMPUS
All right, but this stinks.
Tempus presses a button on his watch. Suddenly, a fluid-like
substance jumps from the watch face and envelops him. It
races over his body until it forms a suit of armor.
SUIT
Timesuit active. Charge: 100
percent. How are you today,
Tempus?
TEMPUS
I'm fine, Suit.
SUIT
Since you have activated me, I
should take this time to remind you
that I am marked "dry clean only".
TEMPUS
Yes, suit. Now, listen...
SUIT
You can't just run me through your
sonic washer like I'm a common pair
of socks!
TEMPUS
Suit...
SUIT
Before you know it, I'll be tighter
than a steel girdle.
TEMPUS
I understand suit!
(to Arylis)
Whoever it was who decided to
install semi-sentient artificial
intelligence computers into this
timesuits should be shot!
(to Suit)
I have to make a time-jump.
SUIT
Destination orders?
Tempus looks Arylis.
TEMPUS
Well, dad?
ARLYIS
Try the present. April 19th, 2001.
Hopefully, it should be long before
the crisis happened and will give
you a chance to gather data.
TEMPUS
Fair enough. Suit, set
destination... April 19th, 2001.
SUIT
Tempus, that time period poses a
level red hazard. Do you wish to
continue?
TEMPUS
No, but I will anyway.
SUIT
One moment. Calculating. Such a
large jump will consume 20 percent
of suit resources.
TEMPUS
Understood.
SUIT
Standby.
ARLYIS
Good luck, son.
TEMPUS
I have a feeling I'll need it.
SUIT
Jump calculated.
TEMPUS
(to Arlyis)
Well, this is it. I'll see you in
a few weeks.
ARLYIS
And I'll see you in two seconds.
TEMPUS
Suit, initiate jump.
Tempus disappears in a flash of white light.
FADE TO:
EXT. LAS VEGAS - THE PRESENT
A far contrast to the world of tomorrow. Cars drive down the
Las Vegas strip pumping pollution into the air.
INT. THE MIRAGE HOTEL AND CASINO
SIEGFRIED AND ROY are on stage in the middle of their magic
act.
ROY
Thank chew veddy moosh!
SIEGFRIED
Udt now, for our next trick, ve
vill make a vhite tiger appear out
of tin air.
A flash. Tempus appears between the two. The audience goes
crazy in applause. Tempus looks around in confusion and
waves pathetically.
ROY
Vhat is das!? Siegfried, chew
bastard! Dis is not a vhite tiger!
Zis is a black Adonis!
SIEGFRIED
Yah, ve are better zan ve thought!
ROY
(to Tempus)
So, vhat is your name, handsome?
SIEGFRIED
NINE! I made him, he is mine!
ROY
Siegfried, chew bitch! Can't chew
share?
SIEGFRIED
NEVER!
Siegfried and Roy get into a knock out, drag down fist fight.
Tempus wisely takes the time to get off stage. The audience
is going crazy with applause since watching the two beat the
crap out of each other is far more entertaining than actually
watching their act.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Tempus exits the Mirage and looks at the bustling street in
disgust.
TEMPUS
Uck, how savage!
By now, everyone on the sidewalk is staring at him.
TEMPUS
Suit, what are all these people
staring at?
SUIT
This is 2001, remember? People
here have never seen a timesuit.
TEMPUS
You're right, I should deactivate
you to blend in.
Tempus presses his wrist causing the suit to liquefy and get
sucked back onto the watch face.
SUIT
Oh yeah, that should make you look
normal.
TEMPUS
Shut up.
He walks a little farther down the sidewalk and picks up a
discarded soda can.
TEMPUS
Disgusting! They actually leave
trash on the ground!
Tempus begins walking down the street. Suddenly, CHOCOLATE
TREAT leaps out of the shadows. Tempus jumps in alarm and
drops the soda can.
TEMPUS
What do you want?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
That was quite an impressive trick
with the watch and all. You a
magician?
TEMPUS
Actually, no. I'm a temporal
conserver from the 31st century.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
So the Jetsons were wrong! There
ARE black folk in the future! Oh,
this is going to be so great! Let
me take you to my apartments so you
can meet my friends and then, maybe
later, we can get to know each
other more intamently if you catch
my drift?
TEMPUS
Apartments? What are those?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
It's where I live, silly! Right
down the street. See it?
Tempus looks and sees a sign that says UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS.
TEMPUS
A collection of domiciles in such
close proximity? How do you
manage?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, we just stock up on cruxafixes,
holy water, wolfbane, silver, Time
Life books of the Unknown and
prophylactics and we manage.
TEMPUS
...and Why do you call them
apartments when they're so close
together? I'm sorry, but I just
can't go in there! It's too
primitive
EXTREME CLOSE-UP
Tempus' ear.
SUIT
Tempus, listen to me. I'm
transmitting directly into your
inner ear so you're the only one
who can hear me. The partial
records of the 21st century mention
an Upda Creek of some sort. This
COULD be it!
CHOCOLATE TREAT AND TEMPUS
As before.
TEMPUS
HMM...
(a pause)
I see. I always thought that was a
typo.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Well, of you don't want to go
inside I know a nice place out by
the...
TEMPUS
No. No, I will go inside.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Awfully wishy-washy, aren't you?
TEMPUS
Yes, I find that good hygiene is a
must these days.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, you are so CUTE!
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is sitting on the couch with his arm draped around Stacy
who is ruffling through a MODERN BRIDE catalog.
STACY
(shows Liam catalog)
What do you think of this dress.
LIAM
It's nice, but why are you going
through that book anyway? I
thought we agreed to take this
slow?
STACY
Well, yeah, but I just like to
prepare. You know, plan for the
future.
LIAM
So do I, but believe me... We have
all the time in the world!
STACY
Yeah, I guess we do.
Chocolate Treat enters with Tempus, Arturo, Bippo, and Thad.
THAD
Dudes, you GOTTA meet this guy!
BIPPO
THEN I got to tell you about the
awesome practical joke I pulled
today! First, I was out with
Donner and...
CHOCOLATE TREAT
(butting it)
Later, Bippo. His name's Tempus
and he's really cool and...
Chocolate Treat sees Stacy and Liam together. Her expression
turns vicious.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh... YOU'RE here you thieving ho!
STACY
Yo Mama!
Arturo steps between the two.
ARTURO
Oh, he's obviously a raving
lunatic. Claims to come from a
thousand years in the future.
THAD
Yeah, that's not nearly as likely
as a man from a parallel universe
living in the same apartment with a
werewolf, homicidal clown, Elvis,
talking dog, and slayer.
TEMPUS
Slayer?
STACY
(rolls eyes)
FORMER slayer. I told you guys it
turned out that those powers were
temporary like the 24 hour flu.
TEMPUS
You flew where in 24 hours?
STACY
The flu. Don't tell me you've
never heard of it!
TEMPUS
Oh yes, we fly everywhere but
usually in the present tense.
Chocolate Treat hugs him.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Isn't he the cutest thing?
LIAM
So, what brings you to 2001,
Tempus?
TEMPUS
I must say, I am somewhat surprised
that you near-neandrathals are so
accepting of time travelers.
LIAM
Eh, been there... done that... Got
the T-shirt.
BIPPO
What are you doing here? Abducting
viable males to repopulate the
sterile Earth of tomorrow Because
if you are, I volunteer!
THAD
(raises hand)
Oo! Oo! Me too!
ARTURO
Oh, put your hand down, Thad! I'm
sure they don't want their women to
have litters.
THAD
Shut UP!
ARTURO
Besides, I'm a far better candidate
for mass-breeding.
BIPPO
Sure, if you like your women with
broken spines.
Tempus stares at them for a second and them talks to the
others.
TEMPUS
The present is approaching a nexus
in the timeline that will determine
the course of history for the next
thousand years. I'm here to insure
that history - future history -
goes down the right path.
BIPPO
Hey, I'm beginning to suspect that
this doesn't involve mass breeding
at all!
STACY
Future history? That's
interesting... Liam, isn't that
interesting?
TEMPUS
(shocked)
Did you say... Liam?
STACY
Yes.
TEMPUS
Liam Smithee?
LIAM
Liam Smith actually. Why?
Tempus is shocked. He paces around the room in a daze.
TEMPUS
Well, t-this is great!
EVERYONE
It is?
LIAM
It is?
TEMPUS
One of the few surviving documents
from the 21st century are three
pages from a novel that went
unpublished. They were found in
this general vicinity in 2601 under
tons of ash generated from the
Harry Potter book burning of the
mid-21st century. We call them the
Death Valley Scrolls.
ARTURO
Who wrote it?
TEMPUS
We don't know. Apparently, the
authors used the psuedonyms of
Shaggy Wolfington and N. Sane
Klown.
THAD
But that could be anyone!
TEMPUS
In the three pages, they talk of a
disaster and a man called
Liam Smithee who stopped it.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Are you saying that the future
depends on Liam Smith?
TEMPUS
Perhaps, or rather on actions he will
take.
STACY
But what does he do?
TEMPUS
We don't know. Time is a fragile
thing. He could do as little as
disturb a blade of grass and it
would have profound effects on the
future.
ARTURO
Oh, I can't BELIEVE I'm hearing
this! There's no proof you're from
the future!
Tempus presses his watch and the suit envelops him. Everyone
jumps back.
TEMPUS
Happy?
BIPPO
THAT WAS BITCHIN!
ARTURO
Oh, there are any number of
explanations for that.
STACY
Like?
ARTURO
Mass hyptnosis If you want us
convinced, you're going to have to
try harder.
TEMPUS
Suit, introduce yourself.
SUIT
Greetings, I am Suit. A semi
sentient computerized timesuit by
Calvin Klein.
ARTURO
Poppycock! That could be a tape
recorder or one of your cohorts
with a voice transmitter!
Tempus rubs the bridge of his nose.
SUIT
Quite the uberskeptic, ain't he?
STACY
He makes Dana Scully look like
Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
TEMPUS
All right, what can I do to
convince you?
LIAM
What if you take us to the future?
I'd love to see the advances that
humankind have made and be sure
that George Dubya Bush doesn't lead
us down the path of destruction.
SUIT
That is impossible. Suit power is
at 80 percent. To take such a
large group one thousand years into
the future would surpass current
resources.
TEMPUS
What if I took them all only a year
into the future. That would be
proof enough!
SUIT
Suit resources would be taxed
beyond the point to allow safe
passage to our home time.
TEMPUS
Okay, forget the whole group. What
if I just took Liam and the
Professor? They're the only ones
that matter anyway!
EVERYONE ELSE
HEY!
SUIT
That would drain the power reserves
by another 20 percent, but it would
be acceptable.
Tempus looks at Liam and Arturo.
TEMPUS
Well? What do you say? Want to
take a ride to 2002?
ARTURO
You're serious? You're going to
take us a year into the future?
LIAM
Sounds awesome!
TEMPUS
All right, suit. Target date:
April 19th, 2002. Two additional
jumps.
SUIT
Calculated.
TEMPUS
(to Liam and professor)
Ready?
LIAM
Let's do it!
BIPPO
HEY, BE SURE TO GET THE--
Liam, Arturo, and Tempus disappear in a white flash that
fills the screen.
CUT TO:
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - 2002
The wind is howling, dark clouds loom overhead, and thunder
crashes. Tempus, Arturo, and Liam appear in a flash of light
in front of the apartment's main doors.
TEMPUS
Here we are. 2002. Ya happy?
ARTURO
What the HELL!?
Liam and Tempus look. The camera pivots around to reveal two
enormous red eyes in the sky looking down at Las Vegas.
Across the city, the screams of citizens can be heard.
LIAM
Holy God, what IS that!?
BAM! Suddenly, the someone tears out of the main entrance
and runs into Tempus, Arturo, and Liam. He gets up to reveal
that it's...
ARTURO
THAD!
LIAM
Thad, what the hell's going on!?
THAD
Liam, thank God you're out! What
are you standing around for?
RUN!!!
Thad runs off. Liam runs after him and grabs him stopping
him in his tracks.
LIAM
Thad! Why are you running!?
THAD
Are you insane? I...
Thad sees Tempus.
THAD
Oh my God, you're not Liam... I
mean, you're not our Liam... You're
Liam from a year ago when Tempus
first showed up, right?
LIAM
Yeah, we came from a year in the
past so Tempus could prove that...
THAD
Liam, listen to me! Go back and
prepare!
The wind picks up obscuring Thad's words.
LIAM
Prepare for what?
THAD
They've made their move, Liam! The
Quadrangle's made their move!
LIAM
The Quadrangle? Thad, slow down
and explain what's going on
coherently!
THAD
It's the end of everything, Liam!
Look, you think that Satan comes
after you, but...
KER-BLAM!!! Behind them, Upda Creek Apartments EXPLODES in a
great fireball. Knocking them to the ground.
TEMPUS
SUIT, GET OUT OUT OF HERE!!!
SUIT
Calculating.
THAD
ARRRRRRGH!!!
A giant piece of concrete CRUSHES Thad, killing him. More
concrete falls out of the sky.
LIAM
THAD!
TEMPUS
SUIT, NOW DAMMIT!!!
WHAM!!! Concrete smashes down on them.
CUT TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - 2001
As before. Arturo, Liam, and Tempus appear in a white flash.
BIPPO
--LOTTERY NUMBERS!!!
ARTURO
We're back! We made it! I need a
change of underwear!
THAD
Made it? All I saw was a white
flash.
Tempus sits.
TEMPUS
Suit brought us back a microsecond
after we left. To everyone here,
it looked like we never left.
STACY
Liam, why are you so pale?
LIAM
It was horrible, Stacy. There was
fire and screaming and horror...
BIPPO
Don't tell me that John Travolta
actually got Battlefield Earth II
made!
LIAM
And there were these eyes in the
sky... And THAD, we saw you die!
THAD
(goes pale)
I died?
LIAM
Not just any death either! Death
by crushing! I actually heard your
skull pop!
THAD
Oh, THANKS FOR THE VISUAL!
TEMPUS
It was the crisis. It had to be.
LIAM
Worldkiller.
TEMPUS
What?
LIAM
I've been told by a very good
source that something called
Worldkiller is coming. That must
have been it.
TEMPUS
I've got to get back to 3032 and
report this. Suit, are you ready?
SUIT
Ready.
TEMPUS
Initiate jump.
Tempus vanishes.
CUT TO:
EXT. LAS VEGAS - 3032
Tempus appears in a flash and looks around in horror. The
magnificent city is gone. Now, only dead rock remains.
TEMPUS
Suit, what the hell...?
SUIT
The timeline has been altered! Our
time period no longer exists.
TEMPUS
But, what did we do?
SUIT
You said it yourself, the timeline
is fragile. Perhaps speaking to
Liam Smith and his friends delayed
them from taking some action that
would have affected their actions
one year later.
TEMPUS
We've got to go back and fix it!
SUIT
Warning: A jump back to 2001 will
drain suit resources to 30 percent.
TEMPUS
I know, but I can't stay here!
SUIT
Understood.
TEMPUS
Initiate jump.
Tempus vanishes.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - AS BEFORE
Tempus appears. Everyone jumps back.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Tempus, honey. What are you doing
back here? You flashed out only a
second ago!
TEMPUS
It's gone.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
What's gone?
TEMPUS
The future. The future's been
destroyed!
LIAM
What do you mean it's been
destroyed? Did all that stuff we
see in 2002 do something?
TEMPUS
No, no... It was something we did
here, or I did here. But, what
could it have been? I didn't
drastically alter anything! All I
did was speak to you!
STACY
And just doing that altered things
enough to destroy your home time?
TEMPUS
I guess so. Time is a very fragile
thing especially if you go back far
enough.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, honey! What are you going to
do now?
TEMPUS
The only thing I can do. I'm going
to complete my mission and see that
the future timeline goes the path
it's supposed to.
LIAM
But the future HAS been destroyed.
Whatever you're supposed to prevent
HAS happened and will happen again,
right?
TEMPUS
Let's hope not, because if what you
said is true, the world is doomed
and there's nothing we can do about
it!
Everyone looks at each other in shock. Liam looks at Stacy.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - A WHILE LATER
Stacy is pacing back and forth. The front door opens and
Liam enters.
STACY
Liam, I've been waiting an hour!
What did you want to tell me?
LIAM
Well, I've been thinking about what
we were talking about earlier...
You know, about having all the time
in the world.
STACY
Yeah, how's that for irony?
LIAM
But then I got to thinking that
when this Worldkiller thingie
happens, that could be it. Finito,
kaputski!
STACY
Not necessarily. If the future
timeline was once a perfect future,
we can make it that way again.
LIAM
But if we can't, I want to live by
the philosophy of Carpe Canum.
STACY
Seize the Dog?
LIAM
Diem, I mean. Sieze the Day. I
want to live each day like it's my
last because, let's face it... It
may very well be. We may all end
up rotting corpes with birds and
maggots feasting on our bleached
white flesh. On that note...
Liam gets down on one knee and takes a ring out of his
pocket.
LIAM
Sorry about the ring. I was in a
hurry and had to eat twenty boxes
of cracker jacks to get it. So,
Stacy... Would you do me the great
honor of being my bride?
Stacy is silent.
LIAM
That means, "Will you marry me"?
STACY
I was NOT expecting this.
LIAM
Neither was I, isn't it great?
STACY
Yes, Liam. I will marry you!
LIAM
Great!
A pause.
LIAM
I have to go to the bathroom.
Liam jumps up and runs to the bathroom tossing Stacy the ring
as he does.
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - HALLWAY
Tempus is walking with Chocolate Treat.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I'm really sorry you can't go home.
TEMPUS
Yeah, and the bitch of it is I also
can't use my timesuit. With it's
reserves down to 30 percent,
everytime I use it I'm risking not
being able to get home when and if
I fix the timeline.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
So, where are you going to be
staying?
TEMPUS
Well, there aren't any vacancies
here any more.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
No, not since Gary the Fanboy moved
back and took Harry's old place.
TEMPUS
So, I just hollowed out a little
hole in the space-time continuum.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Yeah, I was thinking about doing
that once, but they didn't have the
right stuff at Ace Hardware.
Tempus takes a small nickle-sized device and presses a button
on it opening a door of white light.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Wow! Very Quantum Leap!
They go inside.
INT. THE SPACE-TIME HOLLOW
Tempus has turned the anomaly into an extravagant dwelling
with fountains, video monitors, and stunning vistas of the
arctic through some windows and deserts out of others.
TEMPUS
I hate roughing it. I just wish I
knew what it was I did to alter the
timeline! I thought I was so
careful!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Honey, we'll probably never know!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP - EXACTLY AS IT WAS AT THE FIRST OF
THE EPISODE
Tempus is walking down the sidewalk when he bends over and
picks up a soda can.
TEMPUS
Disgusting! They actually leave
trash on the ground!
Tempus begins walking down the street. Suddenly, CHOCOLATE
TREAT leaps out of the shadows. Tempus jumps in alarm and
drops the soda can.
TEMPUS
What do you want?
The camera now follows the soda can as it bounces into the
street.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
That was quite an impressive trick
with the watch and all. You a
magician?
The can is hit by the tire of a car spinning it back towards
the sidewalk.
TEMPUS
Actually, no. I'm a temporal
conserver from the 31st century.
The can rolls into a storm drain.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
So the Jetsons were wrong! There
ARE black folk in the future!
INT. THE STORM DRAIN
The can falls into the running water and floats down through
the tunnel. Farther down the drain, we see a spider-web. A
fly has been caught on it and the spider is moving in for the
kill. Suddenly, the can is tossed out of the water by a
passing alligator and smashed into the net freeing the fly
which buzzes happily away.
EXT. A POND
The storm drain is draining into the pond as the fly buzzes
out into the open. It lands on the surface when suddenly, a
giant fish leaps out of the water and eats it. Camera pans
over to reveal DONNER and BIPPO fishing nearby.
BIPPO
FISH! FISH! I SEE FISH!
Bippo unleashes a volley of machine gun fire into the pond. He
then wades out and happily scoops out the fubared fish.
DONNER
Bip, maybe I should explain the
concept of this sport again.
BIPPO
But it's SO boring! If I hadn't
seen this fish jump out of the
water, I would have left!
DONNER
All right, so what do you want to
do? Cook it? Stuff it and put it
on your wall?
BIPPO
Actually, I have a better idea.
EXT. A PARKING LOT
Bippo walks up to a parked limo with a vanity
license plate "COC". He picks the lock and stuffs the fish
under a seat.
BIPPO
...and the beauty is, it's going to
be 110 degrees tomorrow. Heh...
Heh... Heh...
Bippo honks a novelty clown horn and runs away.
FADE TO:
EXT. A PARKING LOT - A FEW DAYS LATER
The LIMO DRIVER walks out and opens the door. CHARLIE
O'CONNELL enters frame and gets inside. The limo driver
closes the door behind him and gets into the drivers seat and
drives away.
EXT. CIRCUS, CIRCUS CASINO
The limo pulls up to the front door where SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS
awaits. The limo driver opens the door for Charlie O'Connell
who kisses Senestra on the hand.
CHARLIE O'CONNELL
Hello, madame. Are you ready to go
on our date?
SENESTRA
Waaaaaait a minute! YOU'RE Charlie
O'Connell? I thought you were the
cute one!
CHARLIE O'CONNELL
That's Jerry, my brother.
SENESTRA
Oh, hell... Forget it. I'll just
go with you and get a free lobster
meal out of you.
CHARLIE O'CONNELL
Yippie!
Charlie O'Connell opens the limo door for her.
SENESTRA
UCK! What's that horrible rotting
smell?
CHARLIE O'CONNELL
What rotting smell?
SENESTRA
That's right, you probably couldn't
smell it through all that cologne
you're wearing. Look, kid, even I
have My standards! It was bad
enough that you're goofy looking
and apparently mildly endowed, but
I will not be driven in a stinky
car. Now, beat it before I have my
henchmen kill you.
She snaps her fingers and Rock and Tank jump obediently to
her side.
ROCK
Dibs on his spine.
TANK
Aw... Darnit!
CHARLIE O'CONNELL
Gone!
Charlie gets into his limo and it slowly pulls out of the
drive.
EXT. CIRCUS, CIRCUS CASINO - ANOTHER ANGLE
Senestra turns to Rock and Tank. The limo is pulling into
traffic.
SENESTRA
Why can't I just find a man who
isn't a total doofus? I need a
prince, I tell you!
KER-BLAM!!! The limo is hit by a semi-truck exploding it in
a great fireball. Senestra turns in shock.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Charlie O'Connell's severed head bounces down the sidewalk.
EXT. CIRCUS, CIRCUS CASINO
As before.
ROCK
Wow, pretty!
SENESTRA
Holy Moses!
TANK
D'ah, a good thing you didn't go
with Dicky O'Dickhead, huh Miss
Malevolous?
SENESTRA
No kidding! I could have been
killed and might very well have if
it hadn't been for that disgusting
fish smell.
(a beat)
Oh well. Come men, we must prepare
for tomorrow night!
ROCK
Duh, what are we going to do
tomorrow night, Miss Malevolous?
SENESTRA
The same thing we do every night,
Rock... TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
She motions at Rock and Tank and they follow her obediently
inside as a children's soccer team runs by kicking Charlie
O'Connell's severed head like a soccer ball.
FADE OUT:
THE END
ROLL CREDITS