The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.28 - "A Time to Die"
Written by David Hopper
INT. A BAR - DREW FANGTASTIC sits by himself in the bar, a
large circle of emptiness between him and the crowd. In the
distance is LIAM SMITH, THAD COFFEE and BIPPO THE CLOWN. None
of them have seen Drew, and he hasn't noticed them.
LIAM
See, I told you he wasn't here.
THAD
I could have sworn I saw that jerk
in here.
LIAM
Oh Thad, what's he ever done to
you?
BIPPO
Apart from ask you not to hump his
leg, and beat you up a couple of
times?
THAD
Gee, I seem to remember wolfing out
one time and waking up seeing some
rather strange, freaky things
thanks to a rather large dose of
Marijuana he'd stuffed down my
throat.
LIAM
Well he did do that to stop you
eating me and the professor.
THAD
And there was that time he jumped
me as a wolf before the Justice
Squad formed.
LIAM
You were after my P.E.N.I.S. Thad,
and you were trying to kill Blue
Fairy and Captain Spaz, he did kind
of have a moral reason to stop you.
BIPPO
Drew? Morals? Never thought I'd
hear those two words in a sentence
together.
LIAM
Anyways, he's not here. You must
have just seen someone else with
long hair, sideburns, a dodgy
goatee, a leather coat and a thing
for dark colors.
THAD
Still, if only we could find out
more about him. There's very little
we know about him, why he was in
hell, why he takes it so personally
when I wolf out.
BIPPO
You probably ate a friend of his.
THAD
Nah, I'd know if I'd ate a vampire.
They taste funnier then clowns.
The gang leaves, Bippo giving Thad a somewhat worried look.
Drew is now sipping from a clear glass, minding his own
business. Two people walk in to the bar from the distance,
RYMER and ANNA, who sit down at a table. Rymer gets up to
order some drinks and spies DREW. He approaches him.
RYMER
Does your mother still charge a
nickel for head?
DREW's eyes narrow as he hears this. He sips his drink
slowly, and stays where he is.
DREW
Nope, but I hear yours charges more
since she lost her teeth.
RYMER
That's a lie. It's been a quarter
and it'll always be a quarter.
DREW
Ah, gone up market has she?
RYMER
High class stuff she is.
Drew turns around, a very thin smile on his face.
DREW
Then what the hell did she ever see
in your dad?
They both lunge at each other and slaps their hands into a
handshake.
RYMER
How you doing you bastard?
DREW
Not too bad, set down some routes
here, well kinda. Set myself up in
someone's tomb, how's that for
melodramatic?
RYMER
Pretty fuc**ing
melodramatic. Heard you got
yourself killed, you don't look
very dead to me.
DREW
I did, and I was. Long story, big
black guy and a little white girl
did me, but I managed to hitch a
ride out of hell. Jaw still hurts
from those roundhouse kicks of
hers. So, how you keeping?
RYMER
Aye, pretty well, apart from a bad
case of lead poisoning. Bullet
wounds. This Italian sh**te
had me pinned down, kept filling me
full of lead. Trying to kill me
slowly.
DREW
He was trying to FILL you up with
LEAD?
They break down laughing at the rather poor innuendo.
RYMER
Being dead didn't change your sick
sense of humour much, did it? Come
on, I'll reintroduce you to Anna.
Drew's face lights up.
DREW
Anna? She's here?
(a beat, then quite
worried)
oh boy. Is my hair tidy? Do I need
a shave? Does my breath smell bad?
Oh god.
RYMER
Yeah, like garlic.
Drew starts biting his nails, then goes a bit further.
RYMER
Er, Drew, you've got most of your
fingers in your mouth now.
Shouldn't you stop?
MUSICAL STING
FADE OUT:
----
THEME SONG to the theme of Blackadder II
There once was a time long ago,
that guest written scripts were written to a standard.
But now for some reason that's unclear,
this bastards gone and thrown in some perversion.
Drew Fangtastic, Drew Fangtastic,
just where do you get off?
Drew Fangtastic, Drew Fangtastic,
what are you trying to do?
Liam Smith, Liam Smith,
your in the backseat again.
Liam Smith, Liam Smith,
cos that Vampire told you to.
Olé
---
STARING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys Davis
as
"Professor Arturo"
ALSO STARING
Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the clown"
David Hopper
as
"Drew Fangtastic"
GUEST STARRING
Arnold Schwarzenegger
as
"The Determinator"
Ben Affleck
as
"Rymer"
Eliza Dushka
as
"Anna"
Stephen Fry
as
"Melchett"
Frank Welker
as
the voice of "Megatron"
Christopher Lee
as
the voice of "Death"
and
Wesley Snipes
as
"Blade"
AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR
Snoop Doggy Dog
INT. BAR - the group is now sitting around the same table as
earlier, RYMER, DREW and ANNA are surrounded by a forest of
beer glasses. Anna is fiddling with her drink awkwardly, Drew
and Rymer are obviously quite drunk now. For someone whose
supposed to be his best friend, Rymer seems to have quite a
sarcastic attitude towards Drew. Anna isn't convinced Drew is
who he says he is though.
ANNA
So, you're back from the dead now?
Meaning you were actually dead,
stake through the heart kinda
thing? So what's the story?
DREW
Oh it's a long, long story.
ANNA
So, how do we know your on the
level, that your not someone else
pretending to be him since he's
dead?
Drew looks at her flabbergasted.
RYMER
Don't worry Anna, this guy IS on
the level.
(to Drew)
We've had a few run ins with people
pretending to be you.
(another beat, he starts
counting off on his
fingers)
And people claiming to be Dracula,
Lestat, Nick Knight, and some moody
vampire who seemed to think he was
an Angel of the lord. Gabriele I
think.
ANNA
No, I think that was the calm
little girl who hung around with
the psycho Aussie. You know, with
all the leather and the sword and
that stupid circular thing.
RYMER
Whatever. I know my buddy, this guy
is cleaner then the pope. Well,
'cept for the blood drinking of
course. Doesn't ever do anything
illegal.
Drew looks thoughtful.
DREW
Yeah, Mr Clean me, never lifts a
finger to the undeserving.
RYMER
It's his only vice, he needs it to
live like humans need... need… air,
yeah air. One thing, air and water.
Two things, air, water and food.
Three, Three things, air, water and
food. So it's not really anything
to be ashamed of having to do.
DREW
(thoughtful)
Except that one time at Woodstock.
Or was it Glastonberry? Or was it V
2000? No, I was dead by then.
(a beat)
Besides if you really need to know
it's me, give me a bit of sugar and
that ought to prove who I am who I
say I am. And if the sugar isn't
enough, then I'm sure we can…
arrange some other display.
Something you'd recognize.
RYMER
Okay, so that's his other vice. His
only other vice. Sex, and drinking
blood.
DREW
Of the guilty.
ANNA
Yeah, well we all need to drink
blood these days, don't we?
Drew raises an eyebrow.
ANNA
(peeved)
Yeah, I'm a vampire now.
DREW
You're a vampire now? How?
RYMER
Well, Anna and me have both kinda
had run in with this stuffed up
git. He was after me, but he
stabbed her and by the time I'd
killed him it was either bring her
across or, well lose her.
(he leans across to Drew
and sneers)
I know what she means to you.
Drew so drunk now he doesn't know what to make of this. He
looks at the sad face of Anna then the sneering face of
Rymer, then at his drink, and forces it down his throat. He
looks like he's fighting back the tears.
DREW
Can't believe this, I really can't.
ANNA
I really don't think we should be
telling everyone this to just
anyone.
DREW
(angry)
Your not telling just anyone, your
telling me. Come on, I thought we
meant something to each other?
Anna looks nervous.
ANNA
Well yeah, but… things have changed
now-
DREW
I thought you'd agreed to...
A drunk bumps into the table and starts hitting on Anna.
DRUNK
Hey, baby, how's about you and me
go some place eh? Maybe have some
fun?
ANNA
You don't know what my idea of fun
is these days. Besides your drunk.
Drew looks at Anna sharply at the mention of "fun".
DRUNK
Not yet I ain't, but I know people
who can help us get out of our
minds together if you know what I
mean.
ANNA
I think you'd best be moving on.
RYMER
You'd best be doing as she says,
mate.
DREW
Trust me, if that Irish schmuck
tells you you'd best do something
someone else tells you to do, you'd
better do it.
DRUNK
I ain't talking to you two, four,
six, I'm talking to the women, both
of them. So just fu**k off.
DREW
You didn't want to be saying that
to me, boy. I could handle you
hitting on my girl, since your
drunk, so long as you didn't get
suggestive…
(a beat)
which come to think of it, you did,
and that kind of language is
unacceptable on ANY day of the week
to a lady.
RYMER
(smiling)
Here we go.
ANNA
His girl?
EXT. BAR - LIAM, THAD and BIPPO are still in the area,
they've just left another bar as several drunks run out
screaming from the bar Drew is in.
THAD
Well he looked like Drew.
LIAM
Thad, it was close to pitch black
in there.
THAD
He smelt like a vampire.
BIPPO
He was a biker, they don't tend to
bath much either.
LIAM
Just as well Bippo kicked him in
the shins.
Bippo hadn't kicked him there.
BIPPO
Shins, yeah, shins.
THAD
Say, what the heck is going on here
anyhow?
Liam starts to open his mouth to say something, but a window
gets smashed as the drunk from earlier is thrown through it.
BIPPO
Well, it looks like happy hour is
starting up early again.
The drunk gets to his feet and rubs his head. He looks up to
see Drew towering over him, Rymer, and Anna are standing
behind him in the bar. Drew notices Liam and company and
waves in a "Hi guys" manner.
THAD
I thought he said he was going to
be out of town for a week?
DREW
Well, friend, if you apologize to
her, as I know your going to…
(a beat as he cracks his
knuckles)
I'll let you off without beating
you into a red stain on the
pavement.
(a beat)
Sidewalk, sidewalk, gotta remember,
Americans have changed the names of
just about everything in the
English language.
DRUNK
You are dead meat, you, you, you
uptight, scrawny assed,
Englishmothfu-
DREW
Assed? What's wrong with arsed?
(a beat)
You asked for it.
(he looks at the drunk,
his eyes turn yellow)
Stand on your head.
RYMER
I love this bit.
ANNA
I wish he wouldn't keep using that
command power like this.
RYMER
Just because I haven't taught ya
how to use it yet.
ANNA
You don't have that power, idiot.
DRUNK
(off screen)
What the? What's going on? Why
can't I stop? Help me, damnit.
THAD
Wow, I have never seen anyone
actually stand on their own head
like that.
BIPPO
I've only seen contortionists do
that. Well, stuff similar to that.
(a beat)
And dead bodies, dead bodies CAN do
that as well. But you have to break
a few bones first.
LIAM
That guy is no contortionist.
A loud crack is heard, followed by the Drunks screams of
pain.
LIAM
Ouch! That must have hurt.
BIPPO
They sound like that too.
LIAM
What sounds like what?
BIPPO
The cracking noises. Dead bodies
make those kinds of noises when you
put them into that position.
DRUNK
Oh crap, dammit, help me, I think
I've broke my damn neck.
ANNA
Drew, you've done it again.
DREW
(doesn't care)
Got to try to be more specific in
future.
DRUNK
HELP ME!
RYMER
It's like that time you told that
arsehole of a cop to go
fu**k himself. You know, he
ended up stuffing his own man hood
right up his-
ANNA
Christ sake, tell him to heal up
will you? Maybe it'll work?
DREW
It doesn't work like that. At
least, I don't think it works like
that.
ANNA
How you going to find out unless
you try?
RYMER
Well it's too late for
experimenting, he's dead. Shall we
eat out?
Drew shrugs and he and Rymer change into their Vampire faces.
Anna looks at them in disgust as they start to feed off the
corpse - off camera. Liam and Thad look on in disgust,
Bippo's eyes are wide open.
BIPPO
COOOOOOL. Oh man do I so want to be
a vampire.
THAD
Uuugh. Pass the Pepto Bismol.
ANNA
You could always see if you can use
that command power to try to raise
the dead.
(A beat)
Then again I know how you raise the
dead.
A loud slurping sound, similar to someone sucking the last of
a drink through a straw is heard. Drew and Rymer in human
form stand up and wipe their mouths with the backs of their
hands.
LIAM
Man I never want to see that again.
DREW
Then whatever you do, don't tape
your self eating soup.
RYMER
Eh, Drew, you got anywhere we could
kip for the night? And day as well.
DREW
(looking at Liam)
Well, I might just be able to help
you there.
EXT. UPPDA CREEK - DREW and ARTURO are in the middle of an
argument. The rest of the gang is hanging around the entrance
to the building.
ARTURO
Certainly not, Mr Fangtastic. This
is an apartment building, not a
motel. We rent rooms for long
periods of time, not on a nightly
basis, and certainly not after that
Dracula incident.
LIAM
How'd you know about that? We never
told you about him.
THAD
Harry and Mr Hilter kept detailed
reports of anything weird that
happened here.
BIPPO
There were behind with the filing
as it was when Mr Hilter died.
LIAM
Man, the things you learn.
DREW
Okay, professor, just come to one
side a moment.
They move away from everyone else, to a more quiet area. Drew
starts talking to him.
LIAM
So how do you and Drew know each
other?
RYMER
Oh, me and that man meet up back in
the great war, he's my sire.
Haven't seen him since the
seventies though. He'd been hanging
around Roswell for a while, never
found out what he was doing there.
He's always been into weird stuff.
Keeps quiet though, you never find
out much about him.
THAD
We'd noticed. So, you guys are
together?
ANNA
Who?
THAD
You and Drew?
ANNA
We were. A few months ago.
THAD
Hmm, any idea why he hates
Werewolves so much?
ANNA
I think he got word that one of
them ate an old human friend of his
while he was in hell. He thinks
that if he'd been alive he could
have done something to help out,
but, I don't know. I've only known
him since he got out of hell.
THAD
Oh?
(thinking)
She couldn't mean Mr Hilter, could
she?
ANNA
That's a bit of a personal question
isn't it?
THAD
Oh, he's been in a few fights with
a couple of them round here. So
it's a personnel reason is it?
ANNA
Drew doesn't do personnel anymore.
He got revenge on the man he felt
was responsible for his death back
in World War I, and he's had the
mans family on his tail ever since.
THAD
Any idea who he friend was that got
?
Bippo jumps in, trying to impress Anna, dressed in a hockey
mask and waving a chainsaw.
BIPPO
So baby, how'd ya like to compare-
ANNA
Don't dare hit on me, you've seen
what Drew can do, haven't you?
(a beat)
Say, aren't you that clown form the
"Circus, Circus" casino?
(to Liam)
And your that idiot blackjack table
person.
(to Thad)
And you're the guy that- I saw
hanging around talking to them most
of the time. Just what is your job
there anyhow?
BIPPO
I'm not hitting on you. I just want
to know what you think of my stuff.
ANNA
(puts on a vampire face)
I think you need help. Serious
help.
BIPPO
That's funny, EVERYONE says that to
me.
LIAM
I don't.
BIPPO
That's cause you know better then
to.
(to Anna)
Love those nostrils by the way.
ANNA
All the better to smell you with.
BIPPO
And those eyes.
ANNA
All the better to see you with.
BIPPO
And those teeth.
ANNA
All the better to rip your throat
out with. I-
(she gathers her thoughts)
Sorry, I, I don't normally act like
that.
Rymer's been smirking all the while. There really isn't a
nice thing to say about his expression. Anna steps to one
side. Drew and a shell shocked Arturo come back to the rest
of the group. Arturo looks very white.
RYMER
(whispering to Thad)
He looks like he just heard he won
the lottery and lost the ticket
when he was looking for stuff to
wipe his arse with after he had a
ten ton shi-
ARTURO
I, ahem, have had… a word with my
very… good… friend… here, and he's
convinced me to let you stay the
night.
Drew, Anna and Rymer smile, Anna's smile is very forced.
She's already guessed that UPPDA DA CREEK is a death trap.
Rymer looks more likes he's eying up his next meal.
ARTURO
However, we don't really have that
much room, so you'll have to bunk
up with some of the pests, er
guests, er residents.
(to Rymer)
You can stay with Liam, he's quite
into the occult, so you ought to
get on well.
(to Anna)
You can stay with Chocolate Treat.
Liam, Thad, Bippo and Drew cough. Anna and Rymer look at
them.
ARTURO
Oh, yes. On second thoughts, you
can stay in Stacy's room, She's not
here at the moment.
(looking at Liam)
She's having her head checked.
BIPPO
I checked out her head and ass this
morning and they looked fine!
LIAM
Guys, THAT MY FIANCEE!!! could you
possible disrespect me any more?
BIPPO
Probably, but who wants to waste
the effort?
RYMER
Drew, what's your place like then,
anyhow? wondering what kinda place
our modern day, arse bandit vampire
is going to have.
DREW
You sure do know how to phrase your
questions.
RYMER
Let's go check your place out first
eh, then we can get back here. By
the way, been meaning to ask you
about that beard there on your
chin. Why?
DREW
Complement the sideburns.
RYMER
No it doesn't. If anything they
need trimming down.
DREW
Show me a mirror that works for us,
and I'll trim them down.
Drew and Rymer leave the street, while the rest of the group
look at each other.
ANNA
Weird.
ARTURO
Shall we go in? I'm presuming your
staying with us, and not off with
your companions?
ANNA
Hmm, oh? Boy time. I need a rest
from those two anyhow.
THAD
After you, madam.
One by one, the gang steps in until no one is there. The
camera pans away to a side street where it stops at the boots
of a man. The camera travels up to reveal it's none other
then MELCHETT, in the middle of spying on Drew and his
friends. The camera pans away from Melchett, to the other
corner of the same building, with another figure in the
shadows. The Camera pans up the body to reveal the second
DETERMINATOR from "THE DETERMINTOR", in the middle of
obsessively hunting down Bippo. The camera pulls away from
the Determinator, and up a building, pulling away to reveal a
figure on top a building, with it's overcoat flapping madly
in the wind. The camera cuts up close on the face of this
observer, revealing it's none other then BLADE! The camera
pans away, revealing their practically next to each other,
all opposite UPPDA CREEK itself, not even knowing their not
alone.
OMINOUS MUSIC.
The camera pans across to an alley opposite, revealing in the
shadows, the unmistakable form of the Decepticon leader
MEGATRON! Laughing to himself.
The camera pans across again to reveal DEATH looking at some
life timers.
DEATH
(off handed)
NOW THIS COULD BE INTERESTING.
INT. STACY'S APARTMENT - Anna examines the room and has
already found a smashed up picture frame in a bin with a
picture of STACY and GARY THE FANBOY. Gary is holding a model
of the STARSHIP ENTERPRISE. She looks across to see another
picture frame with Liam and Stacy in it.
ANNA
She goes for nerds? Hmm, somebody
must have issues with control.
(a beat)
Like Drew does.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is by himself cracking open more beers.
LIAM
Hmmph, won't let me come get drunk
with them, since I let Drew come
back with us and he's intimidating
the Professor with dodgy photos of
him.
(a beat)
WELL AT LEAST I'VE GOT THE BABE
NOW!
MELCHETT smashes out the window - complete with most of the
window frame, and points his gun at Liam.
MELCHETT
Where is that bar steward, Drew
Fangtastic, you cretin? BAAAH!
LIAM
Wha? How did you smash that window
frame in so well?
MELCHETT
It doesn't matter, you little
idiot. Tell me where the
bloodsucker is, or I'll blow your
head off.
LIAM
Great, I've been barred from a
private party, can't get any action
with Stacy because of her "no sex
before marriage" thing, there's at
least two more Vampires out and
about, and now I've got someone
with a grudge against Drew pointing
a gun at me. What else could go
wrong tonight?
As if in answer, the DETERMINATOR jumps into the room, and
lands in the open hole where the window was and points two
chains guns at either man. Liam looks upwards.
LIAM
WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME LORD?
DETERMINATOR
Vhere izt ze clown?
MELCHETT
Who in the confounded heck are you?
This is My hostage situation. Do
you know who I am? BAAAH!
DETERMINATOR
I don't. Unt I don't care about
chew.
The Determinator shoots Melchett in his leg, Melchett
screams, then curls up in the foetal position sucking his
thumb.
MELCHETT
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I want
my mummy.
DETERMINATOR
Ze clown, gift him to me.
The door gets kicked clear out of it's frame, and BLADE steps
in, guns drawn and pointed at the Determinator.
BLADE
Yo, she bitch, stand down you
stupid mother fu**ker!
DETERMINATOR
Does not compute.
BLADE
Stand down before I put you down,
bitch.
EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP
Drew and Rymer are walking down the strip, carrying the body
of a pimp dressed like a clown between them.
RYMER
This taste funny to you?
DREW
Bit dry. Must have been all the
drugs in his system.
RYMER
How come we're not high then?
DREW
All we've had is a nibble so far.
'Sides I'm still full from earlier.
Maybe he needs salt?
The Pimp stirs, moaning. Rymer hits a spot on the mans neck
and the pimp is asleep again.
DREW
You've got to teach me about those
pressure points someday.
(a beat)
Anywho, what are you and Anna doing
over here in the first place?
RYMER
Well we got word that there's a
vampire here.
DREW
Well d'uh.
RYMER smiles at him awkwardly. Drew starts acting shifty
again.
RYMER
A vampire whose trying to fight the
forces of Satan himself.
DREW
Why would he be doing that?
RYMER
I dunno, free the wronged I'd
guess.
DREW
James, everyone is in hell because
their damned. They've committed
evil sins that demand eternal
torture.
RYMER
What had you ever done in the last
eighty years that warranted you
going to hell?
CLOSE UP ON DREW: Various shots of past events flash past his
face. Drew driving WWI military car into a tree. Drew driving
the hearse over the girl scouts. The Blue Fairy and Drew
staring at each other. A shot of Rupert Murdoch shaking
someone's hand. Drew beating up the bum in "The
Determinator." The camera roams around a solitary figure in
black, Death, standing next to Drew. The two lock eyes.
DREW
Plenty of things when I've lost my
temper, or had a bad day, or had
too much blood. Both before and
after my little visit there.
RYMER
Surely the good things out weigh
the bad?
DREW
Nope.
(a beat)
Any idea whose behind this
resistance?
RYMER
Well, yeah. You.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT -Liam has had about enough of this
madness.
LIAM
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?
BLADE
I'm Blade, I'm here for a vampire
by the name of Rymer. He's an
associate of a vampire me and some
chick had to team up to kill. Now
who the hell is this sausage eating
muscle head?
DETERMINATOR
I am a model THX90 Determinator,
designed for infiltration unt
extermination of humans in ze late
twenty virst century. I haft
travelled back in time to kill ze
saviour of humanity. I vas von of
two models sent back to kill Bippo
ze Clown. I arrived in England,
vhere I infiltrated an inbred
family of aristocrats, learning as
much as I could from zem, before
executing them all. Including a
resistance member who had been sent
back to protect Bippo Ze Clown,
although he too had arrived in ze
wrong place.
LIAM
Bippo? Saviour of humanity? Now
there's a sentence I never expected
to hear. Even for a joke.
MELCHETT
I'm a complete wuss, honest, I'm no
threat to anyone. BAH!
BLADE
So you not after Rymer?
DETERMINTOR
Subject Bippo is my only objective,
unless this Rymer character get's
in my vay, he is safe. For now.
BLADE
Fine, whatever.
(to Liam)
Now who are you?
LIAM
Liam Smith, the resident of this
place. And I should warn you, I
have god on my side.
BLADE
Oh great, a freak. A
fuc**ing weirdo. Tell me,
church boy, do you wet the bed?
LIAM
Er, no?
Blade points a gun at Liam, we here a noise not unlike a tap
and a worried look on Liam's face.
BLADE
Figures.
MELCHETT
Damn, this hurts.
BLADE
Ah, shudaup, Walrus features. I
ain't got time for anyone as camp
as you, as**hole.
LIAM
Look, if you work for god, can you
really allow for that thing to be
around here? It's here to condemn
us all to death.
BLADE
I don't work for god, but I do the
work he should be doing. You got a
good point though, kid. First
sensible thing I'll bet you've said
in the whole of your life.
Blade fires his guns at the Determinator, hitting it square
on the chest, blood and guts exploding everywhere. A close up
of the Determintor's chest reveals a fist sized hole, with
electric sparks arching from point to another. It falls down.
DETERMINATOR
Ouch.
BLADE
I needed the target practise
anyhow.
MEGATRON'S VOICE
(outside the building)
Very well done, but I, Megatron, am
made of sterner stuff then mere
Titanium.
BLADE
Why do you sound like that pimp
Freddy from Scooby Doo gone mad? Or
that psycho Dr Claw from those
Inspector Gadget cartoons, or those
midget Martians voices in Mars
Attacks?
LIAM
Or Uni the Unicorn in Dungeons and
Dragons?
Everyone looks at Liam, disgust written on their faces.
LIAM
You know, that cartoon from the
eighties?
Everyone is still looking at Liam with disgust.
LIAM
Well, I always liked it.
MEGATRON
I don't know, but I'm sick of all
the jokes that have been made about
my voice.
BLADE
Well, whatever, why the hell are
you here?
MEGATRON
I had heard that there is a man
here, a man with the power to order
people to do ANYTHING he wants them
to. I intend to capture him, study
him, and use his powers to conquer.
The. Universe. Mwahaha, Mwahahaha,
MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The room shakes, plaster dust shakes loose. Blade rolls his
eyes in his skull.
BLADE
Figures this as**hole would
be up to something stupid.
LIAM
Man, Elvis and the professor are
going to kill me when they see the
state of this room
(a beat)
How come no one is here to help me?
INTERCUT - THAD'S APARTMENT - Thad, Bippo and Professor
Arturo are all drunk, and Arturo is singing.
ARTURO
Oh… yes… those… were… the…
DaysMyFriend,
WeThoughtThey'dNeverEnd-
INTERCUT - CHOCOLATE TREATS APARTMENT DOOR - a half naked man
comes out with a terrified look on his face, and runs for it.
INT. LIAM'S Apartment - same as before, Megatron's face is
visible through what's left of the window.
BLADE
Well, I don't see what's in it for
me. I'm after Rymer because to me,
he's just another dead Vampire. And
there's no reason to go handing
Rymer over to you, Megalomaniac.
MEGATRON
Megatron
BLADE
Whatever, so I don't see if I have
any choice here.
The window to the right of Megatron gets a lot darker.
MEGATRON
I have a nuclear powered fusion
cannon pointed at you, human.
BLADE
I'm not human, not anymore.
MELCHETT
If that things goes off, we're all
fu**ked. And I for one am
not prepared to be fu**ed
BLADE
Well I know I sure as hell ain't
gonna give in to this dick. Draw
pardner.
MEGATRON
As you wish, you miserable foolish,
pawn.
LIAM
He's got some great insults, don't
you think?
MELCHETT
WE'RE FUC**ED!
BAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
MEGATRON
Don't taunt me, you freak of
nature. I, wha? AUTOBOTS! No, just
some strange looking earth
vehicles. Oh well, I was worried
there for a moment.
(a beat)
Almost worried.
INSERT SHOT: SNOOP DOGGY DOG drives past in one of his cars,
pulls up to a stop and looks out the window.
SNOOP
Bow wow wow, yippe aye, yippie eh,
Snoop Dogs out da pound and on the
prowl.
(a beat)
Anyone got something to smoke? Man
I need some serious booty action,
bring on the ho's.
Megatron turns around, points his cannon at Snoop.
MEGATRON
Smoke this.
Megatron fires. Nothing is left of Snoop except a burning
tire.
BLADE
(out of shot)
Hey, Megatron, heads up.
Blade fires his shotgun, and a large silver stake hits
Megatron in the back of the head, knocking him down to the
ground, leaving a massive Megatron shaped crater there.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - Blade has his guns holstered,
Melchett is still whimpering to himself, the Determinator is
lying still, and Liam is wondering when and IF he'll get the
chance to change his underwear ever again.
BLADE
Well, that's that over. Now if you
all excuse me, pilgrims, I…
pilgrims?
(he shakes his head)
I have a vampire to see about an
appointment with the reaper.
Blade steps out of the remains of the doorway, only to be
knocked down by a round of machine gun fire from the
Determinator.
DETERMINATOR'S P.O.V - The Doorway, with the now, downed
Blade, while data is displayed on screen. A circuit board
diagram is displayed with the words "alternate power route"
flashing on and off. More text turns up on screen. "Crappy
coming-back-to-life plot device enabled."
The Determinator stands to it's feet, gun raised again, and
hobbles towards Blade. Blade turns around in a blur, his body
armor having held, guns out already, firing, hitting the
Determintor full on in the chest, arms and a leg. The
Determinator shrugs it off.
DETERMINATOR
Hey, zese things happen.
INTERCUT EXT. UPDDA CREEK - Megatron stirs.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - Blade turns around and shoots the
Determinator in it's neck. It falls down, the lights fade
from it's eyes. Blade starts looking around for something.
BLADE
Where the hell did that
co**k su**ker,
Melchett get to?
BLADE rips the rest of the apartment apart, trying to find
Melchett.
MEGATRON stands to his feet
BLADE looks up from what he's doing.
MEGATRON narrows his eyes, and raises his cannon.
BLADE lifts up a chair, and finds Melchett cowering behind
it.
MELCHETT
BAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
BLADE
Ahha, there you are you little-
MEGATRON
Farewell you miserable little-
Blade turns and fires his shotgun again, hitting Megatron in
his eye and sending him hurtling backwards into the building
behind him. The building collapses under his immense weight.
CUT TO: A close up of Megatrons leg scraping across the
ground, hitting a pipe.
EXT. UPPDA CREEK - the other building explodes, shooting
flames everywhere.
INT. THE TOMB OF LIBERACE - Drew and Rymer are now very
drunk.
RYMER
HIC!
DREW
You just said a mouthful, mate.
RYMER
Listen, how'd you get that English
arsehole to let me and Anna stay at
that death trap?
Drew get's a little mysterious here, he's certainly not
telling the whole truth here.
DREW
Well, I found a way to get to
alternate dimensions, been
travelling to quite a few recently.
Found one where he'd been having an
affair with a resident of his
apartment blocks. Took a few
photos.
RYMER
You dog.
DREW
Not me, she'd taken them. I just
took them from her.
RYMER
Woah, youch. How'd you get those?
DREW
Let's just say that the boiler room
in that dimension was occupied for
at least a night.
They laugh drunkenly.
RYMER
No, seriously, how?
DREW
Oh I had to get some KY jelly -
A loud explosion knocks them off their chairs, and they rush
outside the tomb.
EXT. GRAVEYARD - Drew and Rymer look out towards the rest of
Las Vegas. As the explosion lights up the night time sky.
DREW
Not quite the brightest lights I've
ever seen here, but still close
enough.
(a beat)
I've got a really bad feeling about
this.
EXT. UPPDA CREEEK APARTMENTS - the place is a burning wreck,
half the building opposite Uppda Creek has been torn apart.
Survivors are lined up for medical treatment, fire engines
are everywhere battling the blaze. Military units are also
present. Rymer and Drew make it to the scene with looks of
horror on their faces. A stretcher carrying Arturo is wheeled
past them.
RYMER
BOL**OCKS!
DREW
Language, James.
(a beat)
Christ almighty. Professor, what
happened?
PARAMEDIC
He can't hear you sir, heavy
sedation.
DREW
So why are his eyes open?
PARAMEDIC
His eyelids got torn off in the
explosion. He must have been
looking right out of the window
when it happened.
DREW
Ouch. Poor guy. Any other
survivors?
PARAMEDIC
There's that clown guy, over there-
Hey? where you'd go?
Drew and Rymer have left dust trails from the speed they've
moved off at.
PARAMEDIC
Damn Vampires and their celerity
powers.
DREW
Bippo, Bippo? What happened?
BIPPO
Thad wolfed out and ate Chocolate
Treat.
DREW
Well I doubt that's the only thing
that happened here but-
(a beat)
What? Are we talking as in murder,
or sexual activity here?
BIPPO
(a beat)
Possibly both considering where he
bit her first.
DREW
Yuck. Where's Liam?
BIPPO
Dead.
DREW
Dead? Liam? Dead?
RYMER
How about Anna?
BIPPO
Dead too.
Drew slumps down onto the ground, shell shocked at the news.
Rymer is enraged.
RYMER
How? How, answer me you little
freak of nature.
BIPPO
They got blow'd up. Somehow the
place opposite exploded, we don't
know how though.
Drew watches as the military personnel remove a stretcher
with a very visible robotic arm in it.
DREW
Hey, why are the military here?
BIPPO
No idea. I was thinking bomb squad
or something. Then I saw that robot
arm, and it kinda looked like that
thing that chased us last year, but
before I could do anything, these
guys showed up. Some black guy
called Dyson had a whole load of
questions for me.
DREW
Uh huh. Er, Bippo, don't take this
the wrong way or anything, but does
your make up ever come off?
BIPPO
No, I took a bath into a vat of
toxic chemicals one time.
FLASHBACK - Bippo dressed up like a gangster is standing amid
a series of construction platforms. Suddenly he turns around
and sees himself looking straight into the oncoming fist of
The Blue Fairy. Bippo get's knocked over by the force of the
impact and falls into a vat of chemicals.
FLASHBACK ENDS
BIPPO
And this was the best my plastic
surgeon could do.
Rymer and Drew stare at him in disbelief.
DREW
Really?
BIPPO
(scoffs)
No.
BIPPO
Wait a sec, Drew, I thought you
said you'd be out of town for a few
weeks?
DREW
Did I?
A wormhole opens up, and another Drew, DREW II, gets thrown
into the middle of the street. The two Drew's stare at each
other. Rymer and Bippo stare at each other, then the doubles.
DREW II
Who the hell are you?
DREW
I'm you, from another dimension. I
just came here for a little R&R, I
had no idea all hell was going to
break lose. What about you?
DREW II
Same thing, man, what happened here
James?
BIPPO
Woah, the Hell Timer opens up
gateways to other dimensions as
well as hell?
RYMER
Christ, my girl is dead, a whole
apartment block has gone and blown
up, and now it turns out I've been
drinking with an alternate reality
version of one of me mates.
(a beat)
Guess that's what I get for coming
to Vegas.
DREW
Your girl?
RYMER
Well, Anna had to show her
appreciation somehow.
Both Drew's stare at Rymer.
DREW II
What's this about Anna? My Anna?
RYMER
I had to turn her to save her.
DREW II
WHAT?
Drew II jumps Rymer and tries to tear the other vampires
throat out. A Beeping comes from the other Drew's pocket. He
takes the timer from "Uprisings" out and looks at it.
DREW
Just be glad that I'm not staying
here, gotta go.
And with that he opens a wormhole and jumps in. the second
Drew turns to Bippo while holding a choking Rymer by his
neck.
DREW II
So, what else did I miss?
BLADE
Not much.
DREW II
YOU! You sent me to hell, you
bastard.
BLADE
YOU?
(a beat)
This time I'll make sure you stay
there then.
Blade draws his guns, and starts shooting, gunning down both
Rymer and Drew II, dusting them both. Blade then turns to
face the fire crews, police, paramedics, Military people and
the survivors who are looking at him. The werewolf jumps out
of the burning building and pounces on Blade, knocking his
gun flying.
BLADE
Oh crap, I could do with some help
here. Knew I should have brought
more silver.
The Werewolf looks up and jumps off Blade quickly, just as a
giant metal foot squashes Blade flat. The camera pulls up and
away to reveal a seriously pissed off Megatron. He lifts his
foot to see Blade is perfectly flat.
MEGATRON
I'd crush you with my bare hands,
but this feels more satisfying
somehow.
Megatron stalks off into the night. The camera settles on
DEATH while the Werewolf sets about massacring the survivors
and assorted emergency service types. Death talks over the
screams, growls and gunshots.
DEATH
WELL BUGGER ME WITH A FISH FORK.
I'D HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS COMING,
(turns to camera)
WOULD YOU?
The camera pulls out to show Death was talking to another
Death, DEATH II.
DEATH II
NO, I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T HAVE.
DEATH
WELL, THIS PROVES IT NOW MORE THEN
EVER, DREW FANGTASTIC IS A THREAT
TO THE WHOLE OF CAUSALITY.
DEATH II
HE MUST BE STOPPED.
DEATH
YES, AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT YOUR REALITY ANYMORE.
I'D BETTER BE OFF TO ME WORLD,
OTHERWISE WHO KNOWS WHAT MIGHT HAVE
HAPPENED IN MY ABSENCE.
DEATH II
INDEED, I FEEL THANKS TO YOUR DREW
FANGTASTIC, I'M GOING TO BE QUITE
BUSY FOR THE NEXT HOUR.
INT. TOMB OF LIBERACHE - in the normal reality, Drew arrives
out of the vortex, and takes in his surroundings. He takes
out the timer and starts working on it. He walks back and
forth in front of a badly concealed hidden doorway in the
tombs rear wall.
DREW
Dimension two forty two, don't go
back to that one ever again.
(he picks up a tape
recorder and talks into
it)
Log Entry, Temporal Prediction
Project Using Alternate Dimension
with similar Timeline structures to
this, latest attempt to judge
viability of proposed plan have
resulted in failure due to outside
interference. I now plan to try to
prevent those instances from
occurring in this reality. Note to
research team, hurry with up with
development of time travel machine.
I have a bad feeling we may need
one.
EXT. UPPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - Drew walks in and is greeted by
Liam.
LIAM
Hey, Drew, good to see you. Listen,
we found some people at a bar
earlier tonight who claim they know
you.
DREW
Oh, really? Who are they?
LIAM
Well, I'll let them introduce
themselves, shall I?
Two people walk in.
RYMER
Hey, Drew, long time no see, eh?
ANNA
Hey drew, listen I have some news
for you.
DREW
You're a vampire now?
ANNA
How did you know that?
DREW
I've got my sources.
(a beat, and then to self)
Let's not get this lot killed, eh?
LIAM
Oh yeah, by the way, never got you
asked, but weren't you supposed to
be out for the past week? It's just
Bippo and Thad saw you several
times last Tuesday.
Drew's brow furrows. A very bad thought crosses his mind. The
other Drew must have been in this dimension while this Drew
was away.
DREW (V.O.)
But, if I was in his dimension, and
he was in mine, and events are
playing out in a similar manner
then-
EXT. UPPDA CREEK - The camera pans away to a side street
where it stops at the boots of a man. The camera travels up
to reveal it's none other then MELCHETT himself, in the
middle of spying on Drew and his friends. The camera pans
away from Melchett, to the other corner of the same building,
with another figure in the shadows. The Camera pans up the
body to reveal the second DETERMINATOR from "THE
DETERMINTOR", in the middle of obsessively hunting down
Bippo. The camera pulls away from the Determinator, and up a
building, pulling away to reveal a figure on top a building,
with it's overcoat flapping madly in the wind. The camera
cuts up close on the face of this observer, revealing it's
none other then BLADE! The camera pans away again revealing
Megatron behind another building, rubbing his hands. The
camera pans away one more time, revealing their practically
next to each other, all opposite UPPDA CREEK itself. A
wormhole opens up nearby the cameras P.O.V. and DEATH gets
out, takes a look at the collection of villains and Blade and
sighs to himself.
DEATH
OH BUGGER IT! NOT AGAIN!!!
FADE OUT:
THE END