INT. A TEMPLE
Several hooded figures sit around a triangular table. One of
them stands and unhoods. This is DOOGAN, an imposing man in
his mid-twenties with piercing yellow eyes.
DOOGAN
Friends, family, and people who
know people I know. Welcome. I am
Doogan Kessler, leader of the
Apache Pack in the Western United
States. Before we get down to
business, I would like to welcome
those representatives from packs
all over the world. First, the
Tsang Pack from Japan, a pleasure
to have you here. You honor us.
Two hooded Asian men nod in acklowledgement
DOOGAN
Welcome to the Watumbi Pack from
the Congo.
A man and a woman in African Tribal gear nod in
acknowledgement
DOOGAN
And finally, to the Jefferson Pack
who recently moved on up to the
East Side to finally get a piece of
the pie.
GEORGE and WHEEZY JEFFERSON nod in acknowledgement.
DOOGAN
Now, to business. As you know, we
still haven't caught the rouge in
Nevada who has been responsible for
at least five transformations.
Although we have tracked down four
of it's victims, the fifth has
eluded us. At least until now.
Doogan goes over to a slide projector and turns it on. A
picture of THAD COFFEY comes up.
DOOGAN
This is Thad Coffey and, after
going through some confidential
police records we found in a
dumpster, we believe he is the
fifth.
Doogan clicks to the next slide. An upside-down picture of
Upda Creek Apartments appears.
DOOGAN
This is Mr. Coffey's domicile, we
think that...
He sees that the picture is upside-down.
DOOGAN
Oh, darn. Well, you get the idea.
Doogan clicks to the next slide. For some reason, it is a
picture of a Walrus.
DOOGAN
This is...
Doogan sees it.
DOOGAN
What the?
Doogan clicks to the next slide, a picture of Cindy Margolis
in a skimpy bikini.
DOOGAN
How'd that get in there?
Doogan clicks over and over again, only bringing up more
bizarre pictures like puppies, Hubble pictures, Al Bundy, and
Moose. Doogan gets peeved, shuts off the projector, and
throws it against the opposite wall.
DOOGAN
Okay, screw that. Listen, this
Thad Coffey is the last rouge
werewolf in the world who hasn't
been incorporated into a pack.
HOODED WOMAN
He is only a boy.
DOOGAN
But the is powerful.
HOODED MAN
If he can be turned, he would make
a powerful ally.
DOOGAN
(smiles)
Yes... Yes... Can it be done?
HOODED WOMAN
He will join us or die, master.
DOOGAN
Okay, we have SO got to lay off the
Star Wars.
FADE OUT:
----
THEME SONG (sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons")
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Show!
It don't air on the TV! Just right here on the net!
No networks would touch this thing,
and that is a real sure bet!
Don't you go and get depressed!
An internet show's more fun!
A lot of what you see is up to you,
Just use your imagination!
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow!
OLÉ!
------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Also Starring
Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
and
David Hopper
as
"Drew Fangtastic"
Guest Starring
Skeet Ulrich
as
"Doogan"
and
Kathy Ireland
as
"Jasmine"
----
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - LOBBY
PROFESSOR ARTURO is working quietly at his desk when THAD,
BIPPO, and LIAM enters. Their clothing is shredded and their
bodies black with burns and scorch marks.
ARTURO
(not looking up)
So, how did that fire-breathing
dragon thing go?
LIAM
Better than expected. The whole
thing didn't seem so hard once
shock set in and we didn't feel
pain anymore.
ARTURO
But the fire-breathing dragon has
been dealt with?
THAD
Yeah, Bippo sprayed some seltzer
down it's throat and that took care
of it's fire-breathing. After
that, it became as gentle and meek
as a kitten.
ARTURO
And then what happened?
LIAM
Bippo took it to the animal
shelter. Right, Bippo?
BIPPO
Er, right... Listen, I have
something in my car. I'll be back
after everyone has left and there
are no witnesses.
Bippo makes a hasty departure.
ARTURO
Ah, if I only had a nickel for
every time I heard him say that.
LIAM
I'm going to go up and take a bath
in pure aloe. You?
THAD
Nah, being a werewolf and all I
regenerate rapidly. See? My index
and middle fingers have already
grown back.
LIAM
Aw, you suck!
Liam goes upstairs. Thad walks over to the mailbox and gets
his mail. He leafs through the letters.
THAD
Score! I may already be a
millionaire Hum... I may already
be a father... Second notice...
Third notice... We're coming to
break your thumbs... I Know What
you Did Last Summer...
One letter catches his attention.
THAD
Hmm, one from something called the
Brotherhood of the Pack.
He opens it and reads.
THAD
Hmmm... Yada, yada, yada, yada,
yada, yada, yada...
ARTURO
What's it say?
THAD
I haven't started reading yet. I
just like looking at words and
saying, "yada, yada, yada".
He reads.
THAD
"Dear Mister Coffey, we represent
the Brotherhood of the Pack, an
Organization of were-creatures and
other sufferers of lycanthropy.
One of our associates will be
visiting you shortly to discuss
your includement into our group."
(a beat)
How interesting.
ARTURO
Sounds fishy to me, my boy. I
don't think that "includement" is
really a word.
THAD
Well, poor grammar aside, I've
always felt an instinct to belong
to a group... Maybe it's just my
inner cub telling me that it's time
to join a pack and be with my own
kind.
ARTURO
Or pier pressure since you've
demonstrated time and time again
that you have no spine when it
comes to group mentality.
THAD
Hey, that's not true! Who else
said that? If there's more than
three, maybe there IS a nugget of
truth to it... TELL ME WHO IS WITH
YOU!!!
ARTURO
(sigh)
I suppose that the instinct for
most dumb animals to congregate
should apply to you.
THAD
Which part? The congregation part
or the dumb part?
ARTURO
The former and the ladder can both
be germane.
A beat.
THAD
Was that a compliment or an insult?
ARTURO
An insult.
THAD
I've never been so insulted in my
life! GOOD DAY, SIR!
Thad marches out the door.
ARTURO
That's the closet, Thad.
THAD
I'm just getting my coat.
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - HALLWAY
Thad is walking down the hallway reading the letter when,
unknown to him, DREW FANGTASTIC falls into step next to him.
DREW
Thad.
THAD
GAH!
Thad jumps.
THAD
DON'T DO THAT!!!
DREW
Can we talk?
THAD
You're not going to hit me, are
you?
DREW
No.
THAD
Kick me?
DREW
No.
THAD
Bite me? Scratch me? Slap me?
Pound me? Knee my groin?
DREW
No. No. No. No. Only if you really
irritate me.
THAD
What then?
DREW
I call a truce.
THAD
You do? What do you want?
DREW
The brotherhood of the pack sent
you a letter. I feel it's my duty
as a friend... No, not a friend,
as an acquaintance... No, let's say
it's my duty as a fellow
supernatural abomination who
happens to have not killed you yet
to warn you to stay away from them.
The Brotherhood is bad news.
THAD
A warning for my own good from the
same guy who's threatened to
disembowel me someday and let the
vultures feast on my innards?
DREW
It was said with a smile.
THAD
Look, fang-face, thanks but no
thanks. For some reason - and I
don't know what that reason is - I
just don't trust you.
DREW
Fine, but don't say I didn't warn
you. Truce is off, dogboy, I'll
see you in hell... Hopefully with
me on Earth looking down through a
pit or something.
THAD
Drew.
Drew stops and looks back.
THAD
Why do you hate me so much?
Drew thinks about that.
DREW
I guess I could argue semantics
about the way that werewolves and
vampires have always been enemies
and it's just my natural instincts
and all, but when you get right
down to it...
(a beat)
...something about you just pisses
me off.
Drew walks away.
THAD
Oh.
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT
Thad enters still reading the letter.
THAD
"A representative will be sent
shortly". I wonder when that will
be.
Thad looks up and sees Doogan standing in his apartment.
THAD
GAH!
Thad jumps.
THAD
What is WITH people today? Who the
HELL are you!? Are you trying to
give me a heart attack?
DOOGAN
A heart attack? Please, the only
way I could give YOU a heart attack
was if I stabbed a silver bladed
knife through your chest.
THAD
Really? Well, screw the low
cholesterol diet then! Who are
you?
DOOGAN
Doogan Kessler. I wrote you the
letter.
THAD
You're the representative from the
Brotherhood of the Pack?
DOOGAN
I am.
THAD
I'm Thad...
DOOGAN
...Coffey. Yes, I know all about
you, brother.
THAD
Brother? So, you're a werewolf
too?
DOOGAN
Everyone in the pack is a werewolf
or were-creature.
THAD
That's so cool! So, what's the
brotherhood like? I mean, is it
like the Shriners or like the frats
in Animal House where they put on
Togas and drink all day coming up
with schemes to get even with Dean
Richmond? Oooo... I HATE than guy.
DOOGAN
Uh... No, basically we're a black
ops organization who pull the
strings on everything. Money, real
estate, politics. We influence it
for our advantage.
THAD
Get out of here!
DOOGAN
It's true. We even rigged Oscar
night.
THAD
I was wondering how the hell
Gladiator won!
DOOGAN
Ridley Scott is actually a member
of the Brotherhood.
THAD
Wow! If that's true, why did
Hannibal suck so much?
DOOGAN
There are limits to our influence,
son.
THAD
Neat.
DOOGAN
Fascinating, isn't it? I have so
much to show you, Thad Coffey. So
much for you to see and learn.
Would you like to come with me to
our headquarters?
THAD
Gee... I don't know. I'm so
nervous. Can I bring a guest?
DOOGAN
A guest? No, that's a definite no
no. No non-werewolves allowed.
THAD
(nervously)
Oh, he's a werewolf!
DOOGAN
Well, that's different. Who is
your little friend?
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Thad bursts in. Liam is sitting on the couch with bandages
down his arms and an ice pack on his head.
THAD
Liam, guess where we're going!
LIAM
The hospital? I think that my
burns are starting to smell like
rotten meat.
THAD
Actually, we're going to the
headquarters of the Brotherhood of
the Pack, an organization dedicated
to the positive promotion of the
werewolf.
LIAM
Sounds great. Have they got any
antiseptic?
THAD
The leader of the pack will be here
in a few seconds. Oh, by the by,
in case anyone asks, you're a
werewolf because I bit you and if
any of the pack finds out you're
not, they're going to tear you limb
from limb and eat you.
LIAM
What?
Doogan enters.
DOOGAN
Ah, so this is your little wolf
spawn.
Thad puts an arm around Liam who shutters.
THAD
Yep, this is my little wolf-spawn.
A Hundred percent all American
werewolf. Just look at him! Isn't
he ferocious!
Thad squeezes Liam's cheeks showing Doogan his teeth.
DOOGAN
Looks like he couldn't intimidate a
kitten.
(to Liam)
Are you SURE you're a werewolf?
LIAM
(nervously)
I-I-I-I am.
DOOGAN
What's that rotting flesh smell?
LIAM
I was...
THAD
It was the last poor unsuspecting
dolt he ate. Man, it was ugly!
DOOGAN
Well, all right. He can come.
Van's parked out front, I'll meet
you there.
Doogan leaves. Liam spins around and looks at Thad.
LIAM
What is WRONG with you!? I'm no
werewolf! Why did you lie like
that!?
THAD
I don't know! I'm so nervous! I
mean, a werewolf pack actually
wants to make me a member! I just
didn't want to go alone!
LIAM
Well, why didn't you ask Bippo? He
gets off on risking his life
stupidly!
THAD
I would have, but he's locked
himself in his apartment and won't
come out. I wonder what he's doing
in there.
INT. BIPPO'S APARTMENT
Bippo is standing in the center of the room looking at
something off camera (obviously, it's the dragon from the
beginning of the episode). The dragon is off camera and is
constantly growling a deep growl.
BIPPO
Whew! I never thought I'd sneak
you in, little fella. Wow, my very
own pet. I shall give you a name
that will inspire instantaneous
fear in my enemies.
(a pause)
How does "Fifi" sound to you?
The dragon roars off camera.
BIPPO
Hey! Hey! HEY! Get off the
couch!
(a beat)
Get OFF the couch!
(a beat)
Okay, fine.
Bippo rolls up a newspaper and walks off camera towards the
dragon.
BIPPO
Just remember, you bring this on
yourself.
We hear several light WHAPS from the newspaper.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
As before
LIAM
Are you sure that they won't find
out I'm a werewolf?
THAD
Relatively sure. Come on, Liam! I
don't want to go by myself! If
you're a real friend you'd do this!
LIAM
I... Don't know.
Thad looks at Liam pathetically.
LIAM
Stop that.
Thad's lower lip begins to quiver.
LIAM
I said stop it!
Thad continues.
LIAM
Not with the face, Thad! NO! It's
not going to work this time AND I
MEAN IT!!!
INT. A TEMPLE
Liam gets up in front of the Brotherhood.
LIAM
(rolls eyes)
Hi, I'm Liam Smith and I'm a
werewolf.
BROTHERHOOD
Hi, Liam.
Liam sits. Doogan stands.
DOOGAN
As alpha male of the Brotherhood,
I'd like to thank our new members.
Doogan motions to Liam and Thad. Thad giggles and waves
while Liam rests his head on the table, his hands covering
his head.
DOOGAN
We will now adjourn to partake of
refreshments of milkbone and toilet
water as we get to know our new
brothers. Remember to stay off the
furniture, and if you have to go...
Go on the newspapers.
The brotherhood rises and begins talking to each other. Thad
immediately goes to the group and begins chatting. Liam
stays put. A beautiful woman, Jasmine, walks up to him.
JASMINE
Hi. Not much for crowds are you?
Liam looks up.
LIAM
Not particularly, no.
(to himself)
Especially if there's the
possibility of the crowd devouring
you.
JASMINE
What?
LIAM
I said I'm shy.
JASMINE
Oh, me too. You would have thought
being a werewolf would have changed
all that, but even now I'm terrible
with groups. Have you noticed the
same thing?
LIAM
Yeah, pretty much.
JASMINE
How long have you been a werewolf?
LIAM
Me? Oh... Uh... Well, I only found
out about it recently.
JASMINE
That's great. Listen, would you
like to mate?
LIAM
Yeah, I guess I have a minute
and...
(shocked)
Whoa, Whoa, WHOA! What did you
just say?
JASMINE
Mate. You know, have sex?
LIAM
Awfully forward, aren't you?
JASMINE
Well, that's the way werewolves
are. We're a very sexual lot.
You'll discover that soon. So,
what do you say?
LIAM
I would, but... Well... I'm engaged
to be married in a month.
JASMINE
(disappointed)
You are? Oh, darn.
LIAM
Look, it's not like I don't find
you attractive or anything, but...
JASMINE
Oh, I understand. Werewolves, like
regular wolves, mate for life.
LIAM
Whew! Dodged that one, huh?
JASMINE
What?
LIAM
I said I'm sorry.
JASMINE
So, tell me about your mate.
What's she like and, most
importantly, where does she live?
INT. A TEMPLE - ANOTHER ANGLE
Thad is talking to Doogan and several other members of the
brotherhood.
THAD
No kidding! She was a wolf who'd
turn into a woman everytime the
moon would rise.
DOOGAN
It's not something you see
everyday, but it's not anything
new. Sounds like another victim of
our rouge.
THAD
Your what?
DOOGAN
Rouge. That's what we're calling
the werewolf going around and
transforming humans without
authorization.
THAD
Authorization?
DOOGAN
Yes, you see... Werewolves are very
select about who we transform.
They must be strong and noble, but
lately, there's been one werewolf
in the western United States who's
been turning people apparently for
no reason at all.
THAD
And he's the one who bit me. If it
hadn't been for that bastard, I
might have gone on to lead a normal
life!
DOOGAN
Actually, you would have been
killed and devoured.
THAD
Oh.
DOOGAN
Speaking of which, anyone want to
hear about my latest kill?
The members of the brotherhood answer affirmatively as Thad
just stands there uncomfortably.
DOOGAN
I scored a couple of fat hikers
from the Jenny Craig camp last
week. Man, they were SO marbled!
BROTHERHOOD #1
Oh, that's nothing! I stalked and
killed three door to door salesmen.
Amway won't know what hit 'em!
Everyone laughs.
BROTHERHOOD #2
Guys, I decapitated a couple of
nuns yesterday. They ran actually
ran around a few minutes with blood
squirting out of their necks. It
was the funniest thing I've ever
seen!
DOOGAN
What about you, Thad?
THAD
What about me?
DOOGAN
Well, tell us about your last kill!
BROTHERHOOD #1
Yeah, entertain us, green horn!
THAD
Last kill? Let's see, I... Well,
back when I was first transformed I
ate a bunch of hookers and my
landlord and I accidentally ate my
parents once, but... Uh... Well,
actually, I've never killed anyone
on purpose.
BROTHERHOOD #2
WHAT!?
DOOGAN
That's unheard of!
BROTHERHOOD #1
Good God, what sort of a werewolf
are you!?
DOOGAN
You offend the wolf-god!
THAD
Who?
DOOGAN
The wolf-god! The entity that
first gave birth to the weres over
a five millennia ago! But, wait...
You haven't read the sacred book
yet. Here, let me give you a copy.
Doogan goes over to a nearby bookshelf and comes back with a
large hardcover book bound in human skin.
DOOGAN
Read this.
Thad takes the book and leafs through it.
THAD
Got anything with smaller words?
Doogan sighs and hands him "LYCANTHROPY FOR DUMMIES".
DOOGAN
Better?
THAD
Much!
DOOGAN
Uck! I still can't believe that
you haven't killed for the fun of
it! The thought is... Unthinkable.
How do you do it?
THAD
Well, it's just wrong.
Everyone stares at him.
THAD
...to kill. You know?
DOOGAN
What sort of a werewolf are you?
You hang around with humans and
don't feast on them... Are you a
vegetarian?
THAD
No! Listen, I don't like killing
people, all right?
DOOGAN
Do you have a soft-spot for humans?
THAD
I guess you could say that.
DOOGAN
Oh, that's cute.
THAD
Thanks.
DOOGAN
And that's singularly the most
PATHETIC thing I've ever heard!
For the wolf-god's sake, Coffey!
We're werewolves! We're better
than humans are and, by right, we
kill and eat them! Get with the
program, son! It's nature, Buckko!
THAD
Doogan, I'm not going to change.
DOOGAN
Then you're the most disappointing
member we've ever inducted!
THAD
Now YOU listen to me! I was human
once and I'm willing to bet that a
lot of you were too! Just because
I've become something else doesn't
automatically mean I'm better than
they are! In fact, most of my best
friends are human like Liam over
there!
The brotherhood all turn to Liam and growl.
DOOGAN
Human?
THAD
Aw, crap.
DOOGAN
You brought a HUMAN to our temple?
LIAM
Hey over there! My ears are
burning!
DOOGAN
Shut up, human!
LIAM
No seriously! These blisters are
killing me!
DOOGAN
Oh, I wouldn't worry about your
BLISTERS killing you, human! I'd
worry about US first!
Liam looks at Thad.
LIAM
THAD!
THAD
Sorry, it just slipped out in
conversation.
The brotherhood begins to transform.
LIAM
THAD, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME!!!
DO SOMETHING!!!
Thad grabs Liam and ruins towards the window.
LIAM
THAD!!! WE'RE ON THE FOURTH
STORY!!!
Too late, Thad and Liam crash out the window.
EXT. A TEMPLE
Liam and Thad burst out of the window and tumble to the
ground with an audible thud.
EXT. A TEMPLE - THE GROUND
Thad is lying on top of Liam.
LIAM
(weakly)
Thaaaaaaaaaad?
THAD
I'm all right, Liam. You broke my
fall. Come on!
Thad grabs Liam by the arm and drags him to the van.
THAD
You drive! I left my license at
home!
INT. THE VAN
Liam get's shoved into the driver's seat and Thad goes to the
passenger seat.
THAD
GO! GO! GO!
LIAM
DON'T PRESSURE ME!!! I'M NO GOOD AT
STICK!
With Liam grinding the gears, the van slowly begins to move.
THAD
Whew! We're home free!
THUD! Something lands on the roof.
THAD
Gee, I wonder what that was?
Thad sticks his head out the window to look. Two great-big
harry hands reach down, grabs him by the head, and drags him
up to the roof.
LIAM
My guess? A Werewolf.
EXT. THE TOP OF THE VAN
As the van zooms down the road, a gigantic werewolf has
hoisted Thad onto the roof. Thad struggles to reach his
werewolf patch, but can't reach it.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Don't bother reaching your werewolf
patch, Coffey! It won't do you any
good.
THAD
Doogan? That you?
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
No, it's your fairy godmother.
THAD
Wait a minute! You're not a
brainless killing machine! How
come you can talk and stuff?
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
I told you, Coffey, there are
things you don't understand about
being a werewolf. Things I can
show you if you join us.
THAD
But...
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
No buts! You either join us or
die.
THAD
Fine, I'll join!
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Then kill your human friend!
THAD
Never!
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Fine then.
Doogan/Werewolf takes Thad by the neck and trusts him down.
Hovering over him, he unsheathes a silver blade.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Sorry, son, but this is going to
hurt you a lot more than it hurts
me.
THAD
WAIT A MINUTE!!! TIME OUT!!! TIME
OUT!!!
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Oh, WHAT NOW!!!??
THAD
That's the second time you've
called me son! Come on, we're
almost the same age and, if
anything, I'm older than you!
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
True, Thad, but none the less... I
am your FATHER!!!
THAD
Bah?
Music sting.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Well, I'm sort of technically your
father. I bit you and made you a
werewolf.
THAD
YOU'RE the rouge? Why?
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
We need recruits for the coming war
between the werewolves and vampires
and the Brotherhood was being too
selective... Too slow!
THAD
WAR?
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Yes, the war prophesied in the
Werewolf Bible... Er, I mean
"LYCANTHROPY for Dummies"! NOW,
YOU WILL DIE!!!
THAD
Whoa! Whoa! WAIT A MINUTE!
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
WHAT NOW!?
THAD
You're supposed to explain
everything to me! It's like a
villains code or something.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Son of a...
(beat)
All right, all right.... Here's the
Readers Digest version. There's a
prophesied war coming between
werewolves and vampires and right
now weres are outnumbered by the
filthy little bloodsuckers. Since
the brotherhood is so selective
about transforming new werewolves,
I took it upon myself to transform
as many as I could - including
you... A mistake I will soon
rectify! Soon, I will have my own
little section of the Brotherhood
turning humans everywhere into
werewolves! My own little... Uh...
Oh, what's the word I'm looking for
when there's a smaller section of a
governing body?
THAD
(looking down road)
Branch.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Yes, branch! That's it! You're
not as stupid as you--
KER-POW!!! Doogan/Werewolf is smacked by a tree branch
hanging over the road knocking him off the van and sending
him tumbling into a ditch. Thad gets up and watches for a
second.
INT. THE VAN
Liam is driving nervously mumbling to himself. Thad hops in
through the window.
THAD
Hey Liam.
LIAM
BAH!
THAD
Relax, it's me.
LIAM
Thad! I thought you were dog chow!
What happened up there?
A beat
THAD
I kicked his ass.
LIAM
What if he comes after us?
THAD
I don't think he will. If he does,
he risks the Brotherhood finding
out that he's the rouge werewolf.
LIAM
Well, that's a relief. What with
the werewolves and that Jasmine
girl quizzing me about Stacy and
Doogan trying to kill us, I was
getting worried.
THAD
Jasmine quizzing you about Stacy?
LIAM
Yeah, she kept asking me where
Stacy lived, what she was afraid
of, what her allergies are, when
she walks down dark alleys alone...
THAD
LIAM, YOU FOOL!!!
LIAM
Huh?
THAD
Werewolf females are extremely
jealous creatures! Jasmine was
asking you where Stacy lives
because she wants to KILL her and
make you her mate!
LIAM
Oh, dookie!
INT. STACY'S APARTMENT
Stacy is watering plants when her doorbell rings.
STACY
Com-ing!
Stacy answers the door to find a large werewolf in the
hallway.
STACY
Whatever you're selling, I don't
want it.
She slams the door in Jasmine/Werewolf's face and walks away.
Suddenly, the werewolf rips the door off it's hinges and
tears inside.
STACY
Eep!
Stacy dives over the couch and flips into her bathroom,
locking the door behind her. The werewolf attacks the door
trying to get at her. Liam and Thad enters from the front
door. Liam hits a rolled up newspaper against his palm.
LIAM
JASMINE!!! No! Bad werewolf!
BAD!!! BAD!!!
THAD
Liam, please. That really makes
me nervous.
Jasmine/Werewolf turns around and looks at them.
JASMINE/WEREWOLF
Ah, hello Liam! Just taking care
of some loose ends so we can be
together.
LIAM
Jasmine, it'll never work out
between us!
JASMINE/WEREWOLF
Why not?
LIAM
Because I lied! I'm not a
werewolf!
JASMINE/WEREWOLF
(hurt)
You're... You're not?
LIAM
No!
JASMINE/WEREWOLF
Oh, Liam... NOW I HAVE TO KILL YOU
TOO!
LIAM
Ahh!
Jasmine/Werewolf goes after Liam who runs into the hallway.
Thad stands there and watches them both run by. Stacy creeps
out of the bathroom.
STACY
Thad? What the HELL was that?
THAD
Looks like you've got a little
competition, baby. I'd be a little
jealous if I were you.
Liam and the werewolf runs by the door again.
LIAM
HEEEEEEEEELP!!!
STACY
Jealous of what? He has better
tastes than to choose Chewbacca the
Wookie over me!
THAD
Perhaps.
STACY
Shouldn't we help him?
THAD
Again... Perhaps.
Liam and the werewolf runs by again.
LIAM
CRISIS!!! CRISIS!!!
JASMINE/WEREWOLF
DIE, YOU LYING CHEATING MAN!!!
DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!
INT. THE HALLWAY - ANOTHER ANGLE
Liam runs down the hall trying to open locked doors.
Finally, he comes to Bippo's apartment. The door comes open
and Bippo comes out not letting Liam enter.
LIAM
Bippo, what are you doing!? Let me
in!
BIPPO
No can do, Liam my man! I've got a
nasty little secret inside that you
just can't find out about!
LIAM
Bippo, I don't care if you've got
bodies, dead cats, weapons,
ritualistic paraphernalia or what
not! I've got a bloodthirsty and
sexually starved were-woman after
me and I need to hide.
BIPPO
Were-woman, you say?
The werewolf comes around the corner.
LIAM
Gaaaah!
BIPPO
Well, I'll be spanked. That IS a
genuine were-woman!
LIAM
What are we going to do!
The werewolf looms over them, drool dripping from her lips.
BIPPO
(to werewolf)
Wanna see my pet?
Bippo opens the door to his apartment. Suddenly, a gigantic
dragon head comes out, grabs the werewolf in it's mouth, and
pulls it into the apartment. Bippo shuts the door behind it
and we hear roaring, screaming, and crunching
BIPPO
It's best we not witness. Such
horrors were not meant for human
eyes.
A pause, then Bippo opens the door a crack and he and Liam
look inside.
BIPPO & LIAM
SPEW!!!
BIPPO
I guess silver ISN'T the only way
to kill a werewolf. Noted and
filed.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Stacy, Bippo, Arturo, Thad, and Liam are present. Thad has
his copy of "Lycanthropy for Dummies".
THAD
So, I just wanted to say that I'm
sorry for putting your life in
jeopardy and stuff... Oh, and for
not helping you when Jasmine tried
to kill and eat you.
LIAM
It's all right, Thad, but I hope
that you've learned that group
mentality can be a dangerous thing.
THAD
I have no idea what you mean.
ARTURO
I agree with Liam.
BIPPO
So do I.
THAD
Well, in that case I do too!
LIAM
And Bippo... Thank goodness you
kept that fire-breathing dragon as
a pet! I'm sure it'll be a welcome
addition to our little
dysfunctional family here at Upda
Creek.
BIPPO
Dragon? Oh, that? I had to get
rid of him.
LIAM
What? Why?
BIPPO
Well, have you ever tried to clean
up after a three ton twenty-five
foot lizard? His poop was bigger
than my couch!
ARTURO
Thanks for the visual. I'll call
the carpet cleaners first thing in
the morning.
BIPPO
My apartment needs new wallpaper
too. Fifi had a thing about
marking his territory.
ARTURO
Well, let's just replace the bloody
floorboards while we're at it!
BIPPO
How did YOU know they were bloody?
ARTURO
Oh brother.
BIPPO
I'm not getting my security deposit
back, am I?
ARTURO
Only when they start selling parkas
in hell.
LIAM
(changing subject)
Most of all... I'm glad that my
fiance is safe and sound.
STACY
Oh, thanks Liam.
THAD
Hey, guys... Look at this!
ARTURO
What? What is it?
THAD
I've finally figured out why Drew
hates me so much! It all dates
back to the dawn of time when the
Wolf-God first met the Blood-God.
ARTURO
Blood-God?
THAD
The god of vampires!
STACY
What happened?
THAD
(reading)
The two powerful creatures regarded
each other with a passing interest,
neither having encountered another
of equal power. The Blood-God
looked at the Wolf-God and said,
"Well, I guess my subjects and I
will be your mortal enemies from
now on." The Wolf-God nodded and
said, "Yes, I thought so... But
shouldn't we have some sort of a
reason to justify what is sure to
be thousands of years of senseless
bloodshed?" The blood-god thought
about that for a second, pondering
the forces of nature and darkness
that pitted the two gods against
each other. Finally, after three
hundred years of contemplation, the
Blood-God finally replied.
LIAM
What did he say?
THAD
He said, "Something about you just
pisses me off."
FADE OUT:
THE END
ROLL CREDITS