INT. AN ARCADE
BIPPO THE CLOWN and THAD COFFEY are talking. Bippo is
playing a game of pinball.
THAD
I can't believe Liam got Donner of
all people to be his best man for
his wedding.
BIPPO
Me neither! So what if he's paying
for the wedding and giving the a
honeymoon cruise! Dammit, I'm
bringing whoopie cushions making
the clam cowder dip and that should
count for SOMETHING!
THAD
Well, best not to think about it,
Bip. After all, being groomsmen is
an honor no matter how you look at
it. I think that...
Thad looks up and sees Bippo's score.
THAD
Oh my Lord! FIVE HUNDRED MILLION
POINTS!?
BIPPO
Huh?
THAD
Your score, Bippo! Look at your
score!
Bippo looks and is shocked.
BIPPO
Oh my gentle Jesus! I wasn't even
paying attention!
THAD
You're just a million from breaking
the all time super high score!
A small crowd begins to gather around.
BIPPO
THAT HIGH SCORE IS AS GOOD AS
MINE!!! I AM IN DAH ZONE!!!
INT. THE PINBALL MACHINE
The ball bounces around the game racking up points.
INT. THE ARCADE - AS BEFORE
The crowd has grown and are all cheering Bippo on.
THAD
You're going to do it, Bippo!
You're going to get high score!
BIPPO
YES!
Bippo flips the paddles and the ball shoots upwards, bounces
off a bunker, and then rolls slowly down one of those little
slots on the side. Since there is nothing he can do about
it, Bippo presses his face to the glass and watches it roll
down the hole.
BIPPO
Wha... NOOOOOOO!!!
The pinball machine says GAME OVER - REAL WINNERS DON'T USE
DRUGS UNLESS THEY'RE REALLY DEPRESSED. The crowd disperses.
THAD
Wow tough luck, man. You were only
a hundred points away from high
score.
BIPPO
Son... of... a.... BITCH!
THAD
Hey, don't get mad, man!
BIPPO
MAD!? I am WAY beyond mad! Those
little slots on the side of pinball
machines are the most annoying and
evil things ever invented!
THAD
Bippo, come on! It's just a game!
BIPPO
It is not a game! Pinball is an
American staple tainted by those
freakin' slots! SON OF A...
I swear, I'm going to hunt down the
man who invented those damned slots
and when I do... I WILL MAKE HIM
PAY!!!
---
THEME SONG (sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons")
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Show!
It don't air on the TV! Just right here on the net!
No networks would touch this thing,
and that is a real sure bet!
Don't you go and get depressed!
An internet show's more fun!
A lot of what you see is up to you,
Just use your imagination!
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow!
OLÉ!
------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Guest Starring
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom
John Goodman
as
"Elvis"
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
and
Gary Dordan
as
Tempus
Special Guest Stars
Robert Floyd
as
"Flip DeClown"
and
Judge Lance Ito
as
"himself"
---
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Several workers are putting up wedding decorations. ELVIS,
LIAM, and STACY are seen milling about.
LIAM
So you WILL be available
ELVIS
Will I ever! Hell, Liam, I'd MAKE
time to marry you two crazy cats!
LIAM
That's wonderful! Isn't that
wonderful, Stacy?
STACY
Wonderful. Well, everything's
taken care of. We've got someone
to perform the ceremony and it
looks like we're home free!
LIAM
And then, fabled land of sex I have
so dreamed about, HERE I COME!
There is a distant phone ring. At the front desk, ARTURO
answers.
ARTURO
WSUX is my favorite station with
continuous classics and fun.
(beat)
Who?
(beat)
All right.
(puts phone down)
Stacy, child, it's for you.
STACY
Coming.
Stacy walks over and picks up the phone.
STACY
Hello?
(beat)
Are you sure you can't talk him
into...?
(beat)
But, you did explain to him that...
(beat)
Oh, all right. But are you sure
that YOU won't come?
(beat)
You won't?
(beat)
All right, mom. Thanks.
Stacy hangs up.
LIAM
Everything all right?
STACY
No. My daddy's refusing to come to
the wedding. He says he doesn't
approve of the marriage.
LIAM
What's there not to approve of?
ELVIS
We could save time if she told what
there WAS to approve of.
ARTURO
Well, this is terrible. Stacy, I'm
so sorry that this is happening to
you a few days before your wedding.
STACY
Daddy and I never got along anyway,
but since he's not coming I would
like to ask you a question,
professor.
ARTURO
What?
STACY
Well, it's personal. Since my
daddy's going to be a no-show,
would you give me away at the
wedding?
Arturo is silent.
STACY
Professor?
ARTURO
Excuse me for a moment, my dear.
Arturo walks quickly out of the room and into the back office
where all of the sudden, we hear him sobbing loudly from the
inside. After a second, Arturo returns, his eyes red and
swollen.
ARTURO
I would be honored.
EXT. A LARGE MANSION - NIGHT
Across the grounds, the form of BIPPO THE CLOWN can be seen
silhouetted in the moonlight creeping towards the mansion.
BIPPO breaks a window and jumps inside. After a moment of
silence, we hear bangs, chainsaws buzzing, screaming, mooing,
bombs going off, chickens sqawking, and finally the sound of
a body hitting the floor.
INT. THE MANSION
A bloody hand lies on the ground and we see a pair of
oversized clown shoes standing next to it. A bloody knife is
dropped to the ground, then a pair of bloody gloves, then a
chainsaw, a grenade, a chicken, and a note that says "I KILT
THIS GUY - LOVE, BIPPO THE CLOWN".
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam and DONNER are there.
LIAM
Look, Donner... I wanted to thank
you for paying for the wedding and
the vacation cruise. It was really
cool of you, but I can't help but
think that you have some kind of
ulterior motive.
DONNER
Moi? An ulterior motive? Don't be
silly, Liam. I'm doing this out of
the kindness of my heart.
Liam looks at him.
DONNER
Oh, all right! I'm doing this so
you can introduce me to that guy
from the future.
LIAM
Tempus? Why do you want to meet
Tempus?
DONNER
Simple, my friend... Stock tips!
My main source of income has become
a little unpredictable lately.
LIAM
Capeman? Unpredictable?
DONNER
Yeah, it's like he's mentally ill
or something. He disappears for
days on end and whenever he is
around, he babbles constantly about
madness and old episodes of
Friends. He should probably get
help, but enough about him. I was
hoping that your Tempus friend
would tell me what major stocks
would be fruitful throughout the
next few years what with the
economy doing a nose-dive and all.
I've got a multi-billion dollar
operation to look after, after all.
LIAM
Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt.
All you have to do is call his
name.
DONNER
What do you mean?
LIAM
Yo, TEMPUS!!!
The door of light opens and Tempus walks out in a robe.
TEMPUS
What do you want, Liam? I was in
the shower!
DONNER
Oh my god, that was the bitchinest
thing I've ever seen! What the
hell was that?
TEMPUS
It's my apartment. It exists in
the 45th dimensional plane
approximately 1/15th of a
millisecond out of phase with
normal reality.
DONNER
(blank look)
'kay.
LIAM
Tempus, this is Donner.
TEMPUS
And?
LIAM
He'd like to ask you a few things.
Tempus looks at Donner.
TEMPUS
Wait a minute, I know you!
DONNER
You do? Is this one of those
weird, I've known your for years
but you haven't met me yet things
I'm always seeing in time travel
movies?
TEMPUS
No, you're head is on display at
the Smithsonian Institute in the
future!
DONNER
My head?
Donner uncomfortable holds his neck.
TEMPUS
No, not that head.
Donner holds his hands over his crotch.
TEMPUS
Not that one either. I'm talking
about a statue head.
LIAM
There's a statue of Donner in the
future? That must mean that he
plays some major role in future
history! Maybe you become a world
leader, or more likely... A
tyrannical dictator.
DONNER
That would be the sh-(BLEEP)-t, but
actually, I commissioned a statue
of me last week for my bathroom.
I'm vain, so shoot me.
TEMPUS
What is it that you want?
DONNER
Actually, Tempus, I was wondering
if you could give me some stock
tips! You know, so I could
mercilessly exploit future
knowledge for my own misguided and
selfish needs.
TEMPUS
No.
DONNER
It was the way I said it, wasn't
it? Okay, how about you tell me
about the future so I could...
Uh... Help... Orphans or some such
bullcrap.
TEMPUS
I can't chance altering the future
any more than it has been.
Especially for you, who I already
don't like.
DONNER
But it's ME we're talking about!
Come on! I'll buy you a car! I'll
pay you! Like music? I'll get you
tickets for Metallica, Marilyn
Manson, or Emeniem. You name it!
TEMPUS
Yuck. I hate classical composers.
THAD enters. He is out of breath.
THAD
Bippo's been arrested.
DONNER
So?
LIAM
Pretty common.
DONNER
Shock us, won't you?
THAD
He's been taken in for MURDER!!!
MUSIC STING: DUM DAH DAAAAAAH!!!
LIAM
I really wish I could figure out
where that music was coming from.
INT. LAS VEGAS JAIL
Liam and Thad go into the visiting area where Bippo is
chained up like Hannibal Lector from Silence of the Lambs.
LIAM
BIPPO! My god, what have they done
to you!?
BIPPO
(gagged)
Mmmmfff mmmfm mfmfm mmm mfff!
LIAM
Huh?
A man walks out from behind Bippo who looks just like Bippo,
but without the make-up. This is FLIP.
FLIP
He said they didn't do it to him.
He asked to be tied up like this.
It seems he likes it and does it a
lot in the privacy of his own home.
THAD
Who are you?
FLIP
I'm Flip. Bippo's twin brother.
LIAM
I didn't know he had one.
FLIP
Oh yes. My full name is Flippo the
Clown, but I shortened it to Flip.
THAD
Wow! How come we never heard of
you until now?
FLIP
Well, I've tried to distance myself
from my poor deranged brother for
some time now. Poor Bippo, we all
saw this coming one day.
LIAM
Wait a minute... You're saying that
you honestly think that Bippo
killed someone?
FLIP
Bippo went to great lengths to
track down the inventor of the
little slots on the side of pinball
machines. He finally found him
after blowing a high score
yesterday, a Mister Snedly B.
Cheater.
THAD
So THAT'S the bastard!
LIAM
Well, Flip. I for one think that
Bippo is innocent. He has never
directly killed anyone before!
Thad looks at Liam.
LIAM
That we know of.
Thad cocks an eyebrow.
LIAM
All right, so he has a few times,
but nothing so malicious as this!
FLIP
Oh, poor sweet naive boy... Bippo
is a walking time bomb and I'm
going to be everything I can to see
that he's defused. I cannot allow
him to kill again!
THAD
You're going to put him in an
insane asylum?
FLIP
Why waste tax money? We're going
to strap him to an electric chair
and tell him it's a ride!
LIAM
He's GOT to have a fair trial!
FLIP
Well, he would... But no defense
attorney is willing to take the
case. Apparently, Bippo wants to
represent himself.
THAD
What? A wise man once said that a
man who represents himself in court
has a fool as a client!
LIAM
Then what THIS fool needs is a new
defense! I will defend him!
Bippo begins to wiggle in his harness yelling muffled NO!'s.
LIAM
See? Bippo likes the idea!
FLIP
Eh, whatever dooms him the fastest.
Sorry brother, but this way is the
best.
Flip begins to laugh maniacally, but then stops when he
realizes that everyone is looking at him.
FLIP
Sorry... I just remembered
something funny I saw on TV the
other day.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. A HOME IN THE COUNTRY
YOUNG BIPPO, YOUNG FLIP, and BIPPO'S MOM and BIPPO'S DAD are
standing in front of the happy home with a white picket
fence. All are smiling broadly and staring blankly into the
camera.
BIPPO (V.O.)
My brother and I were raised in a
circus family, but when the circus
folded, daddy decided to settle
down with me, my brother, my
mother, and the circus's star
attraction, Killer the Gorilla.
KILLER THE GORILLA enters the frame, takes BIPPO'S DAD by the
neck and starts beating him unseen on the ground. None of
the others seem to take notice as they continue to look
blankly into the camera. KILLER looks around, shrugs and
walks off.
BIPPO (V.O.)
After the funeral, our mother
decided to cheer us up by cooking
us a nice big birthday cake, as it
was our birthday and cakes were the
traditional dish of the time.
BIPPO'S MOM smiles broadly and goes into the house.
BIPPO (V.O.)
Unfortunately, so was faulty gas
stoves.
KABLAM!!! The house explodes raining material and blood on
the two brothers who still stare blankly ahead.
BIPPO (V.O.)
Then my dog, Ol' Yeller, got rabies
and I had to put him down.
Young Bippo gets out a shotgun and shoots off screen. We
hear a dog yap as Young Bippo is sprayed with blood.
BIPPO (V.O.)
And then, there was Vietnam.
BLAM! The land in the background begins to explode under
shell fire as Apache helicopters begins buzzing over head.
BIPPO (V.O.)
The horror... Oh, the horror...
INT. A COURTROOM
BIPPO is sitting on the witness stand as JUDGE LANCE ITO
bangs his gavel. LIAM is setting on defense while FLIP is on
prosecution.
JUDGE ITO
Mister DeClown, that is the fifth
childhood trauma we've heard from
you in the last ten minutes
involving parental murders,
suicides, and now mauling by wild
animals! None of these are true,
are they?
BIPPO
Define true.
JUDGE ITO
True as in not false.
BIPPO
Well, that all depends on your
definition of false, now doesn't
it?
JUDGE ITO
GAH! You are without a doubt the
most infuriating person I've ever
met!
BIPPO
Thank you. You may step down.
JUDGE ITO
Very well.
Judge Ito gets up and walks out the front door. Bippo begins
jumping up and down on the bench.
BIPPO
I'm in cha-arge! I'm in cha-arge!
Ito bursts back into the courtroom.
JUDGE ITO
Wait a minute...
Judge Ito runs back to the bench.
JUDGE ITO
YOU CAN'T TELL ME TO STEP DOWN!!!
I'M THE JUDGE!!!
BIPPO
Well I didn't vote for you!
JUDGE ITO
You don't VOTE on judges!
Flip rises.
FLIP
Your honor, I'd like Bippo treated
like a hostile witness.
BIPPO
I am NOT a hostile witness! I'll
kick your ass for saying that!
JUDGE ITO
Granted.
BIPPO
I object.
JUDGE ITO
For the tenth time, Bippo, you
can't object. That's your defense
attorney's job.
BIPPO
Can I object to that?
JUDGE ITO
NO! FLIP! Make you're case!
FLIP stands.
FLIP
Your honor, I will show beyond the
shadow of a reasonable doubt that
Bippo DeClown committed a gross act
of murder.
BIPPO
Oh, come on! It wasn't THAT gross.
JUDGE ITO
Murder? That's not so bad.
FLIP
And DOESN'T have the money to buy
his way out of it.
The court gasps.
JUDGE ITO
That's BARBARIC!!! To the gas
chamber with him!
LIAM
WAIT! He deserves a fair trial!
JUDGE ITO
Ugh! Due process... This would be
so much easier if Hitler had won
the war. All right, Liam Smith...
make your case and make it snappy.
Liam gets up.
LIAM
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
Bippo could not have killed Mr.
Cheater, because he...
Liam looks up and sees CHOCOLATE TREAT sitting in the jury
box.
LIAM
Chocolate Treat? What are YOU
doing here?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I was selected for jury duty and
got this case. Wild, huh? Just
little ol' me and eleven angry
hunky hard-bodied men!
LIAM
You can't be on the jury! They
have to be unbiased! They have to
be... THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!
You're honor, may I have a moment
to go over my briefs?
Chocolate Treat holds up a pair of men's briefs.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
They look fine from where I'm
sitting, sugar!
Liam checks his pants and looks up in shock.
LIAM
How the hell did you do that!?
JUDGE ITO
Mister Smith, we're not getting any
younger!
LIAM
Thought it was a bit drafty in
here. Now, where was I? Right,
Bippo... Wouldn't you consider
yourself a sane individual.
BIPPO
No, not in the least.
LIAM
(beat)
Oooookay, would you say that you
are a man capable of murder?
BIPPO
Yeah, if someone pisses me off
enough.
LIAM
(beat)
Bippo... Work with me here, would
you? Now, did you kill Snedly B.
Cheater?
BIPPO
Don't know, I was pretty stoned and
drunk that night, not to mention
all of the coke I did.
LIAM
Your honor, I object to this line
of questioning!
JUDGE ITO
Mr. Smith, you can't object to your
own questions! Now, sit down and
shut up! Flip DeClown, you may
cross-examine!
LIAM
But, I didn't get to...
JUDGE ITO
SHHH!!!
LIAM
But I...
JUDGE ITO
SHHH!!
LIAM
I ju-
JUDGE ITO
SHHH!!
LIAM
B-
JUDGE ITO
SHHHHHHH!!!
BIPPO
It.
A beat
JUDGE ITO
SHHHHH!!!
BIPPO
It.
JUDGE ITO
STOP DOING THAT!!! FLIP!!! UP
HERE!!! NOW!!!
Flip jumps up.
FLIP
Hello Bippo.
BIPPO
Hello Flippo.
FLIP
Don't call me that.
BIPPO
You've always been ashamed of your
proud clown heritage What of those
who came before you? Bozo? Ronald
McDonald? Pennywise?
FLIP
I am not a clown, dammit! I never
will be!
BIPPO
You have seltzer in your veins, my
brother! Cotton Candy in your
bones!
FLIP
STOP! STOP IT!!!
JUDGE ITO
(banging gavel)
THAT'S ENOUGH!!!
FLIP
I'LL NEVER BE LIKE YOU, YOU CRAZY
RETARDED RETARD!!!
JUDGE ITO
I will not have this court turned
into a circus!
FLIP
YOU SHUT UP TOO, DAMMIT!!!
JUDGE ITO
I WILL HAVE ORDER IN THIS COURT!!!
LIAM
I'll have a small shake!
BIPPO
If you wish!
Bippo jumps up and begins shaking his booty on the bench.
Chocolate Treat jumps out of the jury box and begins stuffing
ones down his pants.
LIAM
Whoever said the system doesn't
work?
INT. THE COURT HOUSE
Liam is talking on a pay phone.
LIAM
It's going south guys. If things
keep going the way they are,
Bippo's going to the gas chamber
for good.
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Donner, Tempus, and Thad are in the lobby. Donner is talking
on the phone.
DONNER
The gas chamber? Isn't that the
new Thai place downtown?
INTERCUT
LIAM
Donner, be serious for a minute.
DONNER
All right, all right... Let's talk
serious for a minute. Do you know
that the little shrimp from the
future still won't give me any
stock tips?
TEMPUS
Hey!
DONNER
And another thing...
LIAM
Donner, shut up for a minute and
listen. The jury's deliberating on
the case right now and unless
Chocolate Treat can sway them to
our side, Bippo's done for.
DONNER
(sigh)
All right, little guy. What do you
want us to do?
LIAM
Simple, I want you to find the one
piece of evidence that will prove
that Bippo is innocent.
Donner covers the mouthpiece of the phone and turns to the
others.
DONNER
He thinks Bippo's innocent!
He snickers. Thad swats him.
DONNER
Right! One piece of evidence that
will vindicate a dangerous
psychopath. Got it.
LIAM
Don't let me down, Donner.
DONNER
Uh-huh.
Liam hangs up and goes back into the courtroom.
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Donner hangs up.
DONNER
Liam wants us to play like Nancy
Drew and the Hardy Boys and figure
out a way to get Bippo off the
execution express.
THAD
Do what?
DONNER
We're supposed to find some little
piece of evidence to show that
Bippo is innocent.
THAD
What? That's impossible!
DONNER
Contrived is the word I'm looking
for.
TEMPUS
Wait... If I remember my history,
the World Trade Center bombers were
caught because a forensics team
found a pubic hair.
Donner and Thad stares at him.
THAD
Dude, there's no way I'm going to
look for pubic hair at the murder
site.
TEMPUS
I'm not saying we look of pubic
hair, I'm saying that we look for
skin shedings, hair, sweat, blood,
and maybe even semen!
DONNER
STOP IT!!! No more listening to
the man from the future! Sure, you
won't talk Wall Street with me, but
when it comes to semen you won't
shut up!
TEMPUS
You're not getting it. I suggest
we venture to the murder scene.
THAD
All right, but if you mention
bodily secretions again, I'm out of
here!
DONNER
What kind of a future have we
wrought!?
INT. THE COURTROOM
Judge Ito is standing by the door to the jury room. He
knocks on the door angrily.
JUDGE ITO
Hello? Hello? Are you people
still alive in there?
There's a rustle from inside the room. Chocolate Treat
answers the door. Her hair is mussed and her make-up is
smeared. She pulls his dress back down.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
What is it? Oh, hi judge!
JUDGE ITO
What's going on in there? You've
been deliberating for over twelve
hours and I swear I hear screaming
from in there!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh... Uh... This is just taking a
little longer than I thought.
JUDGE ITO
Are we dealing with a hung jury?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
(a beat)
More so that you can imagine.
Excuse me, we have a few more
matters to pound out. You know, I
have to examine the... penal code
in this state.
Chocolate Treat slams the door in Ito's face. Ito rubs his
nose in pain and walks off as the sounds of moaning and
screaming emanate from the room.
INT. THE COURTROOM
Liam is sitting with Bippo at the defense desk looking over
evidence.
LIAM
Well, Bippo, I know you didn't do
it but the evidence is really
mounting against you.
BIPPO
Liam, just walk away.
LIAM
What?
BIPPO
Walk away, Liam.
LIAM
Why?
BIPPO
It's for the best. When I go down,
I'm going to take you with me.
A beat.
LIAM
Bippo, are you seriously telling me
you did it!?
Bippo is silent.
LIAM
Bippo, I'm one of the only friends
you have.
Thad, your best friend in the world
is out there right now busting his
balls to make you a free man and
your telling us to walk away.
BIPPO
There's more going on than you can
possible understand, he said
mysteriously.
LIAM
What?
BIPPO
He squinted at his defense, Liam,
he pleaded, just walk away.
LIAM
Why are you talking in narrative?
BIPPO
Bippo became annoyed and fingered
the letter opener he managed to
smuggle into the courtroom.
LIAM
Huh?
BIPPO
He'd been saving it for the judge,
but at that moment he was
exceedingly curious as to what
Liam's insides looked like.
LIAM
Bippo, why are you...?
BIPPO
Hatred burned in Bippo's eyes. Why
wasn't Liam taking the hint, he
wondered picturing the small sharp
instrument piercing the neck of his
annoying defense attorney.
LIAM
I think I have to leave now.
Liam quickly gets up and walks out the door.
BIPPO
Bippo was pleased. At last, he was
alone. End chapter forty-two.
Begin chapter forty-three. Bippo
was hungry...
INT. SNEDLEY B. CHEATER'S MANSION
Donner, Tempus, and Thad approach a police guard who is
guarding the murder scene.
GUARD
Halt!
THAD
It's all right, officer. We're
here to investigate the murder.
GUARD
No one but authorized personnel are
allowed inside the crime scene.
DONNER
But we're from the National
Enquirer.
GUARD
Oh, well THAT'S different. Go on
inside.
They walk past him. Tempus begins walking around inspecting
the carpet.
TEMPUS
Hmm...
DONNER
What? Did you find some of your
precious semen or urine, you sick
futuristic bastard?
TEMPUS
This blood on the carpet is odd.
Looks like it has some sort of
anticoagulant in it. Notice how is
hasn't dried up and gotten crusty
yet?
THAD
No, I hadn't noticed you sick
freak.
DONNER
Say he's right! It's still a
puddle and it's been, like, a
couple of days since this Cheater
guy was killed! What gives?
THAD
Maybe... He wasn't human!?
MUSIC STING - everyone looks around.
DONNER
That is REALLY getting annoying.
TEMPUS
No, I believe that Snedly B.
Cheater was indeed human, a
disreputable one to be sure. Who
else would have come up with those
little slots on the sides of
pinball machines, an evil
contraption that plagues pinball
enthusiasts even in the 31st
century.
DONNER
So... You're saying I should invest
in pinball stock?
TEMPUS
Observe the scene itself.
Thad and Donner look around.
THAD
Tempus! Tempus! I see what you're
talking about!
TEMPUS
You do?
THAD
Yeah, look at that wallpaper!
Plaids with florals? YUCK!
TEMPUS
(getting tired of it)
Actually, I was referring to the
scene itself. No sign of a
struggle excepts for the broken
window. Are we to actually believe
that Snedly B. Cheater sit sat back
as happily as you please as Bippo
proceeded to rip him apart with a
chainsaw. Also, observe the body
itself.
DONNER
Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Body? What the
hell is the body still doing here?
TEMPUS
It's behind the couch. I guess the
police missed it. Like I was
saying, observe the body, the face
is disfigured beyond all
recognition, but the lack of marks
around the...
THAD
Excuse me, could you please
summarize all of this for us
members of generation X with a two
second attention span?
TEMPUS
Non-coagulating blood, no struggle,
and a body rendered unidentifiable.
All of this leads me to believe
that...
(a beat)
Donner, what is that?
Donner is holding a clear medical-looking plastic bag.
DONNER
I don't know. Found it on the
floor and I needed some place to
stick my gum.
Tempus takes it.
TEMPUS
This is a blood bag circa late
1900's early 2000's! This proves
my theory!
THAD
Cheater was murdered by a plastic
bag!?
TEMPUS
NO!!! This is all a part of an
elaborate set up to frame Bippo the
Clown!
INT. COURT HOUSE MEN'S BATHROOM
Liam is at a sink washing his face when FLIP enters.
FLIP
Hello, Mister Smith. How's life as
a defense attorney treating you?
LIAM
Harder than I thought it'd be. I
mean, I studied for this... I
watched Matlock and Law and Order
the other day and I rented Kari
Wurher's Court of Appealing Babes
IV... That one was about
basketball though, not that I
didn't enjoy it.
FLIP
It's not that simple, Smith. It
takes a long time to learn the law.
Still, I'd give all of that up just
to understand my own brother a
little more. Sad, really... But
what are you going to do. Now, if
you'll excuse me, I've got to take
care of bid-ness. By the way, you
have a piece of toilet paper stuck
to your shoe.
Flip goes into a stall. Liam picks the paper off his shoe
and starts to throw it away, but stops.
LIAM
(whispers)
Waaaaaaait a minute. THIS isn't
toilet paper, it's the note left at
the crime scene! I must have
tracked it in here from the
evidence table.
He looks at it.
LIAM
Oh my god, why didn't I see it
before!
INT. THE COURTROOM - MOMENTS LATER
All of the men in the jury and Chocolate Treat have returned.
The men are rubbing their sore necks, applying ointments, and
stuffing ice cubes down their pants.
JUDGE ITO
Jury, I'm almost afraid to ask, but
have you reached a verdict?
JUROR #1
We find ourselves sexually
inadequate!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I agree.
JUDGE ITO
ENOUGH ABOUT YOUR SAUDRY SEX
CAPADES!!!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, but it's really interesting!
JUDGE ITO
Okay, later... But now we must know
if you've reached a verdict.
Bippo feebly raises his hand.
BIPPO
Uh, your honor... My defense
attorney isn't back from the little
boy's room.
JUDGE ITO
That's a good point. Here's
another one: SHUT UP!!!
BIPPO
Shutting up, your majesty.
FLIP
Yeah, you tell 'em judge!
BIPPO
Shut up, Flippo.
FLIP
You shut up.
BIPPO
No, you!
FLIP
You!
BIPPO
No, you!
JUDGE ITO
Both of you shut up! I've only
seen my court in more disarray once
before and I will not have that
happen again, understand!? Now,
jury... Sentence this stupid clown
to death so we can all go to lunch!
A juror stands.
JUROR #2
(falsetto voice,
trembling)
We the jury finds the defendant
guilty on the count of murder.
Ito smiles.
JUDGE ITO
Music to my ears. All right, the
court sentences you, Bippo the
Clown, to death in the gas chamber
to be broadcast live during a
fabulous pay per view special
featuring Barbara Striesand in her
final honest to god last concert
until her next farewell tour.
BIPPO
Barbara Striesand!? NO!!! Cruel
and unusual! Cruel and unusual!
Ito prepares to bang his gavel.
JUDGE ITO
Court dis--
Liam bursts through the back door.
LIAM
STOP!
JUDGE ITO
-mi-
LIAM
I said stop!
JUDGE ITO
-ss-
LIAM
STOP, DAMMIT!!! I have new
evidence to consider!
Liam holds up the note.
JUDGE ITO
You have one minute. I'm going to
miss tee time for this, I just know
it.
LIAM
Ladies and gentlemen and you too,
Chocolate Treat, this is a note
supposedly written by Bippo the
Clown and left at the crime scene,
but if you look closer you'll see
that the handwriting is vaguely
different from the handwriting he
wrote on this death threat three
weeks ago!
Liam holds up the death threat.
LIAM
Also, you'll see that the
letterhead reads FLIP DeCLOWN
ATTORNEY AT LAW!
Everyone in the court gasps.
LIAM
You majesty, I raise the question
that it was not BIPPO who killed
Snedly B. Cheater, but rather his
before-unknown twin brother... and,
might I add, EVIL twin brother,
FLIP!
BIPPO
(through teeth)
Shut-up, Liam!
LIAM
Not now, Bippo. Flip has always
been ashamed of his clown heritage
and sought to rid himself of the
last thing that reminded him of it,
his brother Bippo!
Liam goes over to Flip.
LIAM
Isn't that right, MURDERER!?
Liam pokes Flip with his finger causing one of those novelty
honker horns to go off.
LIAM
What the hell?
Liam rips open Flips suit jacket and pulls out a honker horn.
LIAM
What the...!?
Liam pulls out trick handkerchiefs.
LIAM
But this doesn't...!
Liam pulls out a rubber chicken.
LIAM
Son of a...!?
Liam pulls out a rubber clown nose.
LIAM
But what...!?
FLIP
You FOOL!
BIPPO
You're ruining everything!!!
LIAM
I am?
Thad, Donner, and Tempus enter.
DONNER
Are we late? Have they gassed
Bippo yet?
LIAM
Guys! What'd you find out!?
TEMPUS
Bippo was framed.
Bippo and Flip roll their eyes.
LIAM
Doy! But how can you prove it!?
TEMPUS
All of the evidence seems to
indicate that Snedly B. Cheater
faked his own death. First, there
was the non-coagulating blood,
blood stolen from a blood bank only
hours before. Then there was the
body, a cadaver stolen from a
medical school. Oh, and there's
this.
Thad reaches out the door, grabs something, and throws it
into the room. It's SNEDLY B. CHEATER, alive and well but
tied and gaged.
DONNER
We found him watching the trial on
CNN in his guest house.
BIPPO
HAH! Well, not exactly the outcome
I was expecting...
FLIP
But still, a pleasant turn of
events. I must say, Bippo, we make
a good team.
Bippo and Flip shake hands.
LIAM
It's official. I'm confused.
FLIP
And well you should be. Excuse me
for a second.
Flip walks into the juror room, and immediately returns in
full clown attire.
FLIP
Ah, that's better.
LIAM
Flip?
FLIP
Flippo the Clown at your service.
My brother Bippo called me because
we decided that it was time to
bring that bastard Snedly B.
Cheater down once and for all.
BIPPO
With the help of Judge Ito, of
course. Thanks judge.
JUDGE ITO
You're welcome. Cheater has been
wanted for tax evasion for years
and I have always hated those
little slots on the sides of
pinball machines anyway.
BIPPO
Cheater decided that the only way
he could escape us was to fake his
own death. When I discovered this,
I arranged to make it look like I
was arrested for his murder... I
knew the fink couldn't resist
staying and watching the trial.
DONNER
You mean that you were all in on
this together?
BIPPO
Yeah.
FLIP
Pretty much.
JUDGE ITO
Just like the O.J. trial.
THAD
Well, I must say that you had us
all confused to the point that we
had no idea what was going on!
FLIP
All that you need to know is that
my brother and I put a stop to one
man's vile scheme for world
domination.
SNEDLY B. CHEATER
Yeah, and I would've gotten away
with it too, if it wasn't for those
meddling clowns.
Everyone begins to laugh. Bippo and Flip kick Snedly in the
ribs a couple of times.
LIAM
So, Bippo... This makes you a hero,
doesn't it?
BIPPO
Hero... Now that's a title I could
get used to if I hadn't already
killed the guy we planted in
Cheater's house.
Everyone laughs.
LIAM
You're kidding, right?
JUDGE ITO
I'll be the judge of that!
Everyone laughs. Bippo secretively puts a bloody knife in
Ito's pocket.
BIPPO
(light-heartedly)
Oh Lance, you nut!
FADE TO:
INT. DONNER'S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT
Donner enters, throws his coat in a chair and gets a drink.
The DARK FIGURE appears behind him.
DONNER
(not looking)
What do YOU want?
DARK FIGURE
The terms of our agreement have to
be altered.
Donner looks at him.
DONNER
Is that so?
DARK FIGURE
Circumstances have changed.
DONNER
Have they?
DARK FIGURE
They have.
DONNER
Well, if you ask me... YOU'VE
become too much of a liability.
DARK FIGURE
Have I?
DONNER
You have. And what are you, a
vampire? Turn some lights on!
What are you trying to do? Create
a dramatic effect?
Donner flips on some light revealing the dark figure as
CAPEMAN.
CAPEMAN
Aw, you ruined the mystery!
DONNER
We've got to stop meeting like
this, musclehead. Now, what's this
about changing our agreement?
CAPEMAN
I want to quit.
Donner drops his drink.
DONNER
Run that by me again?
CAPEMAN
I want to quit... Terminate my
relationship with you.
DONNER
You want to quit? End the team of
Donner and Capeman?
CAPEMAN
You're a negative influence on me.
DONNER
I'M a negative influence on you!?
You've been acting like a raving
looney ever since you got hit on
the head!
CAPEMAN
Cut me some slack! It was the MIR
space station!
DONNER
Well, bitch, bitch, bitch!
CAPEMAN
My decision is final.
DONNER
Fine! Fine, who needs you, you
looser! I'll be just Jim Dandy
without you cramping my style!
CAPEMAN
I'm sorry.
Donner makes a farting noise and motions for Capeman to
leave.
CAPEMAN
Oh, Donner... One last thing.
DONNER
What?
CAPEMAN
Next time I'm alone with you... One
of us is going to die.
Capeman flies off into the night leaving Donner to mull his
cryptic words.
FADE OUT:
THE END