THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
SEASON FINALE
Episode 2.36 - "Much Ado About Knotting"
Written by Jason Donner
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
It is completely dark. In the darkness, we can hear
scuffling and quiet talking. Suddenly, a voice that is
obviously ARTURO's speaks up.
ARTURO
Okay! Here he comes! Shhh! Shhh!
The door opens and we see a silhouette standing in the
doorway. Suddenly, the lights come on and Arturo, THAD,
BIPPO, ELVIS, DONNER, TRIUMPH, and TEMPUS jump out from
behind furniture.
EVERYONE
SURPRISE!!!
THAD
What the hell?
Standing at the doorway is a man wearing the traditional garb
of a robber complete with mask and bag that has a dollar sign
on it.
BIPPO
Oh, that's not Liam! It's Hogey
the neighborhood crackhead!
HOGEY is confused and probably under the influence.
HOGEY
Is it my birthday?
BIPPO
Hogey, you can rob Liam later!
We're trying to give him a surprise
bachelor party.
LIAM enters.
LIAM
You're doing what now?
Everyone moans.
ELVIS
Well, this was a fiasco.
LIAM
What is this?
TRIUMPH
Oh, it's a surprise bachelor party,
but everyone else here screwed it
up. Dumbasses
HOGEY
Uh, Happy Birthday Liam!
LIAM
Well, I appreciate the thought
guys, but with all that's happened
over the past two years what with
the death and explosions and
stuff... There's very little left
that can surprise me.
There is a knock at the window. Liam opens the curtains to
reveal THE JUSTICE SQUAD: ULTRAWOMAN, COLOSSAL CHUNK,
NIGHTFLYER, CAPTAIN SPAZ, and BLUE FAIRY.
COLOSSAL CHUNK
Hi Liam.
LIAM
Whu...!?
ULTRAWOMAN
Liam Smith, on behalf of the
Justice Squad and in gratitude for
your service during the P.E.N.I.S.
crisis, we are here to give you a
wedding gift.
LIAM
Bah...!?
Nightflyer hands him a box.
NIGHTFLYER
Here you go.
BLUE FAIRY
It's a blender! Enjoy!
NIGHTFLYER
Oh gee, great surprise gift we HAD!
Can't you people keep a secret?
BLUE FAIRY
Sorry Willard.
NIGHTFLYER
GAH!
All of the Justice Squad leap out the window except for
Ultrawoman who stands there in front of a speechless Liam.
ULTRAWOMAN
Congratulations, Liam. I'm sure
whoever snagged you is a lucky
girl.
She kisses his forehead. Bippo jumps to her side.
BIPPO
I'M still available
ULTRAWOMAN
That doesn't surprise me.
Ultrawoman flies away. Liam is still stunned.
BIPPO
Lesbian, obviously.
(beat)
So, who wants cake?
FADE OUT:
-----
THEME SONG (sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons")
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Show!
It don't air on the TV! Just right here on the net!
No networks would touch this thing,
and that is a real sure bet!
Don't you go and get depressed!
An internet show's more fun!
A lot of what you see is up to you,
Just use your imagination!
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow!
OLÉ!
------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Guest Starring
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
Leon Lai
as
"Kevin Riley"
John Goodman
as
"Elvis"
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"
Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"
Dolph Lundgen
as
"Tank"
Billy Blanks
as
"Rock"
Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
Reese Whitherspoon
as
"Kathy Hilter"
David Peckenpah
as
"Satan"
Scrappy Doo
and
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Special Guest Stars
Fabio
as
"Fabio"
and
Bette Midler
-----
INT. STACY'S APARTMENT
Stacy and Doris are having tea.
STACY
So, Chocolate Treat still angry?
DORIS
Absolutely livid, dear. You've
stolen the object of her affection,
after all.
Stacy has picked up a newspaper.
STACY
(scoffs)
Object of infatuation is more like
it. Hell, the only reason she
wants Liam is because he's one of
the last dozen or so men in the
city she hasn't bagged yet. Well,
she can just get over it... I'm
marrying Liam tomorrow and that's
that.
DORIS
Exactly. What are you doing?
STACY
Oh, just looking for our wedding
announcement... AH! Here it is!
The Smith/VaVoom wedding. Right
next to the Plenty/O'Toole wedding
and the Hungry/Johnson wedding.
Look at that picture... We're a
regular Romeo and Juliet... Roy and
Dale...
DORIS
Beauty and the Beast.
STACY
Do what?
DORIS
I said, "Would you like some more
tea?".
INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE
The newspaper hits the desk, the picture of Stacy and Liam
can be seen. The camera pans up to reveal SENESTRA
MALEVOLOUS.
SENESTRA
Boys, tell me what you see.
Camera pans over to reveal ROCK and TANK.
TANK
D'ah, there's a sale at Pennys?
SENESTRA
Yes, a notable event to be sure
since my shoe supply has dropped to
456 pairs, but that is not the
reason I called your attention to
today's paper... Look closer.
Senestra hits Tank with the newspaper causing the print to
come off on his face like silly putty. Rock reads the print
on Tank's face.
ROCK
HEY! I see it now! That little
Liam Smith guy's getting married!
SENESTRA
(her face darkens)
Yesssss... Liam Smith.... Liam
Smith who time and time again has
foiled my plans for world
domination through his inane and
inconceivably good luck. GAR!!! I
could KILL him!
An idea.
SENESTRA
Of course... Why didn't I think of
that before? That little snot's
foiled my plans so many times, why
NOT kill him and be done with him
once and for all?
TANK
D'ah, couldn't you just fire him?
SENESTRA
No, I promised in his new contract
I wouldn't fire him... But actual
termination of life process was
never mentioned. Heh, heh, heh....
ROCK!
Rock snaps to attention.
ROCK
Ma'am, yes SIR!
SENESTRA
It's time to remove Liam Smith from
the company of the living... WITH
EXTREME PREJUDICE!!!
INT. HELL - SATAN'S THRONEROOM
SATAN, SCRAPPY, and KATHY HILTER are there.
SATAN
WHAT!? How could this get by me!?
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED!!!
SCRAPPY
What? All I said was that
Andromeda got a second season. No
need to get all testy!
SATAN
You're right, Scrappy... I guess
I'm a little on edge since I found
out that my hated nemesis, Liam
Smith, was getting married to a red
hot megababe and since he's
protected by divine luck, he's
probably going to live happily ever
after...
KATHY
Ah, but there's that "live" word
again.
SATAN
Kathy, my dear... You don't
understand. I'VE tried to kill
Liam Smith, Fluffy the Hamster
tried to kill Liam Smith, even
Scrappy tried to kill Liam Smith
but all of us failed.
KATHY
I have a theory...
SATAN
What is it?
KATHY
It's a conjecture derived from all
known data, but that's not
important right now. What if
Liam's luck is like a defensive
shield that comes on everytime he
senses evil?
SCRAPPY
Like when Spider-man's spider-sense
tingles?
SATAN
Scrappy, that is the most stupid
and juvenile thing I've ever heard!
(to Kathy)
So it's like a spider-sense?
KATHY
There's only one way to find out...
Let's me go and try to rid us of
him. He still doesn't know that I
am in your sway.
SATAN
(a smile)
Yes... And that ignorance -
compounded with his additional
ignorance and coupled with
ignorance that he is ignorant of
having - will be his undoing.
Kathy, you have my permission.
KATHY
Excellent.
SCRAPPY
Kiss ass.
KATHY
What?
SCRAPPY
I said, "Kick his ass!"
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
The bachelor party is in full swing. Liam is talking to
DONNER
LIAM
So, you arranged this?
DONNER
I am the best man, Liam! Of course
I handled it!
LIAM
So, you've been gone off and on for
the last few months. How's life
been treating you?
DONNER
Eh, okay I guess.
LIAM
How's Capeman? I forwarded an
invitation to him through you. Do
you think he'll show up at the
wedding?
DONNER
Beats the hell out of me. He quit
a couple of days ago.
LIAM
Capeman quit? Why?
DONNER
I dunno... I guess the greedy SOB
didn't like giving me a cut of his
take and he's going to go freelance
now. He's been acting all funny
ever since MIR landed on him.
LIAM
MIR landed on him!? What are you
going to do?
DONNER
Well, I've still got a healthy nest
egg and the mind of a genius I'm
renting for a reasonable price.
I'll come up with other ways to
make money. Capeman... Tuh! Who
needs him!
Bippo comes out of the bedroom carrying a giant cake behind
him on a wagon.
BIPPO
Ladies and gentlemen, the
entertainment in here!
THAD
All right! It's boner time!
BIPPO
Friends and other people I know, I
am tickled pink to present Miss
Strippy 1999, Leatha Weapons!
Bippo gestures to the cake and there is a TAH-DAH fanfare.
For the longest time, nothing happens as Bippo continues his
"tah-dah" pose pointing towards the cake. Bippo smiles
broadly, takes a step back, and knocks on the cake. No
answer. Bippo frowns and takes the top off the cake causing
a huge plume of steam and smoke to come out. Bippo fans the
smoke and looks inside.
BIPPO
Oops.
LIAM
What?
BIPPO
Nothing.
LIAM
What is it, Bippo? What'd you do
wrong?
BIPPO
Wrong? Oh, Liam... That's such a
harsh word. I prefer to think of
it as a learning experience.
LIAM
Well, in that case, what'd you
learn?
BIPPO
Bake the cake first and THEN put
the girl inside.
(a beat)
Who wants a corner piece?
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY - THE NEXT DAY
Liam, Bippo, Thad, and Donner are there dressed in tuxedoes.
The Lobby itself is decked out in wedding decorations and, in
the seats in the background, all of the main cast and
supporting players are sitting waiting for the wedding to
start.
THAD
Boy, what a night!
BIPPO
Yeah, I can't believe that Stacy
called off the wedding after she
saw the stripper's underwear on
your head.
LIAM
Yeah, but then I showed her how
macho I was by standing up to the
neighborhood bully.
DONNER
Who kicked your ass.
LIAM
Making Stacy feel sorry for me and
take me back.
BIPPO
(to camera)
Aren't you glad we skipped all that
crap?
THAD
Boy, they've really fixed up the
lobby for your wedding, Liam.
LIAM
Indeed they have. Look at all this
stuff. The professor actually put
in a fountain with doves and
everything. And look at that! The
professor even put in a skyscraper.
They all look and see a six-story building inside the lobby
marked BOOK DEPOSITORY.
DONNER
Wow, this place is roomier than it
looks.
Arturo walks by.
LIAM
Hey, professor!
ARTURO
Yes, Liam?
LIAM
Look, I appreciate all of the work
you put into this wedding and it's
not that I'm ungrateful, but what's
with the Book Depository?
Arturo looks.
ARTURO
Now, where did that come from?
BIPPO
You didn't put that in?
ARTURO
No, it must have popped up sometime
over night. How odd.
A pause
ARTURO
Oh well.
Arturo walks off.
INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY - SIXTH FLOOR
Rock and Tank are putting away boxes that say BUILD YOUR OWN
BOOK DEPOSITORY IN 12 EASY STEPS. Senestra walks up leafing
through WAR AND PEACE.
SENESTRA
Nice work, boys.
ROCK
D'ah, thank you!
TANK
Yeah, you've got your own book
suppository building.
SENESTRA
Book suppository... I'll keep that
in mind if things go wrong today
and I need someone to blame. Rock!
Tank! The time has come to rid us
of Liam Smith! Give me my gun!
TANK
Gun?
ROCK
What gun?
SENESTRA
(slumps)
The gun I asked you to bring up
here. The gun I intend to use to
drive a bullet into Liam Smith's
head splattering the gray material
that passes for his brain all over
his bride to be?
Rock and Tank shrug. Senestra holds up the book.
SENESTRA
Bend over.
Suddenly, there is a clatter behind them. They whirl around
to see GARY THE FANBOY behind them.
SENESTRA
GAH! Who are you?
GARY
I'm Gary the Fanboy. Am I walking
into something kinky here?
SENESTRA
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MAH DE-POS-EH
TORY!?
GARY
Well, I just saw this place and
thought that it would give me the
perfect shot.
SENESTRA
Shot?
GARY
Yes, you see... I'm here to kill
Liam Smith.
SENESTRA
(smiles)
You are?
GARY
Yeah... That's MY girl down there
he's marrying and I'm here to stop
it!
SENESTRA
Reeeeeeally?
GARY
Yeah, let me show you what I'm
using.
Gary takes out a STAR TREK style phaser.
GARY
I had to buy a hundred playmates
action figures... Picard in command
uniform... Picard in blue
uniform... Picard in captain's
jacket uniform... Picard in Troi's
uniform... Finally, I got enough
proofs of purchases to get this.
SENESTRA
Well, in THAT case... Set phasers
to kill and may the force be with
you!
Gary looks at Senestra and shakes his head.
GARY
The force? You just... don't get
it, do you?
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Liam is fidgeting. Thad goes to him.
THAD
Nervous?
LIAM
Yeah.
THAD
Well, don't worry... You and Stacy
are going to make a wonderful
couple.
LIAM
I'm just so nervous! This is such
a big step! No more swinging
bachelor days with you and Bippo!
THAD
Yeah, we may actually be able to
talk to girls now.
The Wedding March fanfare begins to play. Donner runs over
to Liam.
DONNER
It's go time, bro!
LIAM
Eep!
DONNER
Come on, man! This is your day!
You're getting married to a lady
I'd bag in a second.
THAD
In other words, about eighty
percent of the female population?
DONNER
As opposed to ninety-nine percent
of the canine population, I don't
think YOU'VE got any room to talk,
Odie.
THAD
You bas--
DONNER
C'mon, Liam!
Liam, Donner, Thad, and Bippo take their places. TRIUMPH
walks down the aisle throwing rose petals out.
TRIUMPH
I'm the flower dog. So kill me if
there aren't enough female
characters!
DORIS walks down the aisle serving as Maid of Honor along
with two bridesmaids holding signs that say FRIEND OF STACY'S
THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. As they walk through the
door, one of them is grabbed by a hand. After a few seconds
of scuffling and punching sounds, KATHY HILTER emerges
wearing the dress. The ever-alert crowd doesn't notice. The
procession takes their places. The Wedding March begins to
play and ARTURO and STACY appear. Arturo begins walking
Stacy down the aisle and towards Liam and the rest of the
procession. Stacy is absolutely beautiful and radiant as the
camera follows her down the aisle. Suddenly, she stops,
looks down at the bottom of her shoe and looks at Triumph in
disgust. Finally, after scraping her foot on the carpet,
they reach the alter where ELVIS awaits.
ELVIS
Dearly beloved... And you too,
Donner... We're gathered here today
to celebrate the union of Liam J.
Smith and Stacy Vah VaVoom. Who
gives the bride away?
Arturo goes to speak, but then begins sobbing.
STACY
He does.
ELVIS
Okay. Professor, get a hold of
yourself man! This is a wedding,
for God's sake!
Arturo nods and sits down in the front row next to KEVIN
RILEY.
ARTURO
(to Kevin)
Wedding's always make me cry.
KEVIN
I've always found that Onions make
me cry. That and Titanic.
ARTURO
Freak.
KEVIN
At least I'm not a blubbering
ninny.
ARTURO
I can't help it if I am a sensitive
man, you blistering idiot!?
Camera pulls back to reveal that everyone at the alter is
looking at them.
LIAM
Guys? You mind? We're kinda in
the middle of something here.
INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY
Gary is taking aim with his phaser as Senestra, Rock, and
Tank look on.
SENESTRA
Ooooo, if you blow Liam Smith's
head off, you will be my second in
command! I can feel it!
GARY
Mazeltov!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
And Mazeltov to you too!
GARY
GAH! Chocolate Treat, what are you
doing here?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Probably the same thing you and
Miss Malevolous are. My hearts
been crushed by Liam and I'm here
to see that never happens again.
Chocolate Treat gets out a nasty looking sniper shotgun.
GARY
Where'd you get THAT!?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Sharper Image.
SENESTRA
Well, my dear... Uh... Dear?
She looks over at Rock and Tank. Tank shrugs, but Rock waves
and smiles at Chocolate Treat.
SENESTRA
Enough of this! Gary, finish the
job!
GARY
Give me a second to calibrate
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Liam and Stacy are standing side by side as Elvis performs
the ceremony.
ELVIS
Ah, marriage... the sacred bond
that holds us all together, or at
least the bond that holds two
people together... men and women
mostly, but the same sex marriages
are legal in a few states. I just
want to say how happy I am that
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
Elvis' words are obscured as Liam and Stacy look into each
other's eyes.
STACY
(thinking)
Can you read my mind? Can you
sense how special this is and how
right it feels? I feel as if our
destinies are intertwined... As if
we were always meant to meet and be
together. Oh, Liam... If only you
can read my mind!
LIAM
(whispers)
I can Stacy.
STACY
(thinking)
What? How?
LIAM
(whispers)
Your lips are moving.
STACY
(thinking)
Oh.
LIAM
(whispers)
Stacy, there's something I have to
tell you. Something I've wanted to
say to you since I saw you coming
down that aisle.
STACY
(whispers)
Yes, Liam... Yes?
LIAM
(whispers)
You... Have the biggest greenest
booger hanging out of your left
nostril.
STACY
You're a romantic, Liam.
INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY
Gary is sweating and nervously fingering the weapon.
Suddenly, he puts it down.
SENESTRA
What? What are you doing?
GARY
I'm having an epiphany.
ROCK
I had an epiphany once. I had to
stay in the hospital and got a scar
across my belly.
GARY
I've come to realize that this is
wrong... Killing is wrong and won't
get me Stacy back.
SENESTRA
You miserable little worm! NO SOUP
FOR YOU!!!
Everyone looks at Senestra.
SENESTRA
Hell, if you're not going to do it
I will! Gimme the gun!
GARY
It's not a gun, it's a phaser.
SENESTRA
Gimmie the gun!
GARY
No! MUST FIGHT EVIL!
SENESTRA
Whatever.
Senestra walks over and kicks him in the balls.
GARY
Gah! My... one... weakness!
Senestra grabs the phaser as he passes out.
SENESTRA
On, quit whining... Breaking off
your ability to reproduce could
only be a favor to the world. Now
we will end this, won't we boys?
Chocolate Treat puts her hands on her hips and scowls.
SENESTRA
And girls?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Better.
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Elvis is prattling along and Liam and Stacy are still
chatting silently.
ELVIS
Now, if there is anyone who objects
to this wedding... Let them speak
now or forever hold their piece.
The back doors fly open and FABIO walks in.
FABIO
STOP THE WEDDING!!! YOU CAN'T
MARRY THIS MAN, I LOVE YOU!
STACY
Oh, FABIO!
Fabio looks around.
FABIO
Isn't this the Saint Mary's church
on Upda Street and Dumpish Road?
ARTURO
No, this is Upda Creek, the dump on
Mary Road and Churchish Street.
FABIO
Damn. Sorry!
Fabio leaves. Elvis looks at Stacy who is still swooning
towards the door.
ELVIS
Stacy, do you take this man through
sickness and health, through richer
or poorer, through PMS and
menopause, through thick and thin,
until death do you part?
(a beat)
Stacy?
STACY
(snaps back to attention)
Hmm? Oh. Oh, yeah... He'll do.
ELVIS
And do you, Liam, take this woman
to be your wedded wife. To have
and to hold, through sickness and
health, while she takes away your
every freedom you enjoyed as a
bachelor and degrades and insults
you until you're a mere shell of a
man who can't wait until she leaves
you? Until death do you part...
And by part, I mean your upper half
parting from your lower half as
you're torn apart by demons,
vampires, or Thad.
THAD
HEY!
ELVIS
Come on, Liam! Chop! Chop! We
ain't got all day you know!
Kathy in the row with the maid's of honor smirks and
unsheathes a knife.
KATHY
Indeed you don't!
She begins to advance.
LIAM
I, uh....
INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY
Senestra has Liam in her sites.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
That a way, girlfriend! Blow dat
bitch's head off!
SENESTRA
Oh, I intend to! No more will we
have to worry about Liam Smith!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Do what?
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Liam is still sweating over the question.
LIAM
I... Er... Uh... I...
Kathy draws the knife back and prepares to attack.
INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY
CHOCOLATE TREAT
WHO said ANYTHING about killing
LIAM!?
SENESTRA
Well, that's what we're here for!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I came to shoot that Stacy slut for
stealing my man!
SENESTRA
Hell, then let's just shoot both of
them!
She aims.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh no you don't! YOU WILL NOT HURT
A HAIR ON HIS FUNNY LOOKING HEAD!!!
Chocolate Treat begins fighting with Senestra. Chocolate
Treat accidentally kicks the unconscious Gary in the head
waking him up.
GARY
Whu...?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
GARY HONEY, GET HELP!!!
GARY
H-Help... Right...
As Chocolate Treat and Senestra fight over the phaser, Gary
crawls to the stairwell and falls down it out of sight with
several KA-THUMP! KA-THUMP! KA-THUMP!'S
GARY
Ow, my spine!
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Liam is still sweating over the question, suddenly unsure of
loosing his bachelorhood.
LIAM
I... Er... I...
Kathy is about to plunge the knife down into Liam.
INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY
Senestra and Chocolate Treat are fighting.
SENESTRA
(to Rock and Tank)
HELP ME, YOU NIMRODS!!!
Rock and Tank, who've been watching the ceremony jump and
eating raw rice, grab Chocolate Treat off of Senestra.
Senestra goes to the window and takes aim.
SENESTRA
Smile, you son of a bitch!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
NO!
BANG!!! Senestra fires.
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
In Matrix-style bullet-time, the bullet slowly crawls from
the sixth story window of the book depository and towards
Liam's head. Bippo watches in open-jawed awe as the bullet
creeps overhead. He looks down at his watch and begins
impatiently tapping his foot. Kathy's knife is inching it's
way towards Liam's heart. As the knife is brought down, the
bullet strikes the blade sending the knife flying out of
Kathy's hand and embedding itself into the wall, cutting a
rope. Kathy looks up just in time to see a CHANDELIER crash
down on her.
The bullet crashes out a window and into the open air.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
CAPEMAN shoots through the sky towards the building.
CAPEMAN
Gotta save the day! Baby needs a
new pair of shoes!
BLAM! The bullet strikes him in the head sending him
spiraling into the side of the building.
CAPEMAN
BLORG!
INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY
BLAM! Capeman strikes the side of the building and goes
through the wall. Rock and Tank fall backwards freeing
Chocolate Treat who runs over and smacks Senestra across the
face. Senestra fall out the window.
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Capeman has landed in the aisle. Senestra fall out of the
top story of the building and falls into the wedding cake.
TEMPUS
What the hell's going on? Is
destroying an entire freakin'
building part of 21st century
marriage rituals?
TRIUMPH
No, usually just divorces.
Senestra gets up, wedding cake dripping off of her. In a
desperate attempt to salvage her dignity, she grabs a present
from the present table and gives it to Liam and Stacy.
SENESTRA
It's a blender. Enjoy.
LIAM
Uh, thank you?
SENESTRA
Welcome. ROCK, TANK! Come and
bring that copy of War and Peace
with you.
Rock and Tank join her and hands her the book.
SENESTRA
(exiting)
Remember what you said about book
suppository?
They walk out the front door.
THAD
(watching them through
window)
Hey, Bippo! What's Miss Malevolous
doing to Rock and Tank?
BIPPO
I don't know, but those books are
never going to fit in there.
ROCK and TANK scream a shrill high-pitched scream. Thad and
Bippo react in shock and disgust.
BIPPO
(amazed)
Well... I'll be damned!
INT. HELL - SATAN'S THRONEROOM
Satan is sitting on his throne deep in thought.
SCRAPPY
Well, surprise surprise... Looks
like Kathy has failed. Who didn't
predict that? Hmm? Show of hands?
SATAN
Yeah, too bad.
SCRAPPY
Master, something wrong?
Satan pauses for a while, a look of concern on his face.
SATAN
Scrappy, you're my second in
command, so you should be told...
SCRAPPY
Told what?
SATAN
Over the last few months, I've been
in contact with... Something.
SCRAPPY
Something?
SATAN
Something ancient... Evil... Older
than hell.
SCRAPPY
What is it?
SATAN
It's some vestige of evil that
existed before I became the fallen
one... It's pure evil so old that
it's true origin has been lost to
the ravages of time.
SCRAPPY
And... YOU fear it?
SATAN
At first, but now that I understand
what it is... I'm going to use it.
Kathy appears in a wave of hellfire covered in bandages and
with an arm in a cast. Satan and Scrappy look on.
KATHY
How RUDE!!! He DROPPED a
chandelier on me!
SCRAPPY
Yeah, and amazing how he did it
without lifting a finger or knowing
how it happened.
KATHY
Damn Liam Smith! DAMN HIM!!!
SATAN
We will, my dear... We will. Soon,
we will have the power to damn all
on this disgusting planet. Very
soon.
The camera pans over to reveal two glowing red eyes peering
from the darkness.
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Everyone is a little shocked over the turn of events.
Capeman picks himself up and shakes his head. A sizable
bruise is on the left side of his head where the bullet hit
him.
TRIUMPH
Are you all right, big guy?
CAPEMAN
Where am I? Who am I?
Capeman looks at the logo on his tights.
CAPEMAN
Oh, that's right. Capeman.
Capeman looks around in confusion.
ARTURO
You seem to be a little
disoriented.
CAPEMAN
Disoriented, right... Right. That
bullet packed quite a wallop. Oy,
gavolt!
ARTURO
Here, have a seat.
Capeman grabs the professor by his lapels.
CAPEMAN
Professor?
ARTURO
Yes?
CAPEMAN
I finally know... I understand
everything! The cloud is lifted.
ARTURO
What do you mean?
CAPEMAN
(drooling and looking
blank)
I... Don't know! Can I call you
mom?
ARTURO
That's nice. Be a nice little
vegetable and be quiet.
Elvis clears his throat.
ELVIS
Excuse me? May we continue? I've
got a gig in Van Ise in fifteen
minutes. Liam, yes or no. Do you
take Stacy to be your wife.
LIAM
(smiles)
Yes... I so very do.
ELVIS
Very well, then by the authority
vested in me by the state of
Nevada, the gaming commission, and
the Mafia, I now pronounce you man
and w--
VOICE
STOP!!!
Everyone turns around to see a woman in her fifties standing
at the front door.
LIAM
(whispers)
Oh... My... God!
DONNER
What? What is it? Who is she?
Want her ass kicked? I'll hire it
done!
LIAM
That's... That woman is my MOTHER!
DONNER
Your mother? I thought she was in
hiding!
LIAM
So did I!
LIAM'S MOTHER makes her way down the aisle. She is clearly
emotional at the reunion.
LIAM'S MOTHER
Oh, my baby! I had to come! I
couldn't stand the fact that my
child was getting married and I
wasn't here for it. Well, mommy's
here and she's isn't leaving you
again.
Liam's mother takes Stacy by the hand.
LIAM'S MOTHER
My darling daughter.
LIAM
WHAT!?
BIPPO
Waaaaaaaait a minute... If Stacy is
your daughter...
LIAM
...and SHE's my mother...
Liam's Mother looks shocked as she looks at Liam obviously
unsure who he is.
THAD
...then that means...
STACY
...we're...
LIAM
Oh... DAMMIT!!!
Everyone stares at each other in shock as the picture fades
out and "Dueling Banjos" begins to play.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
ROLL CREDITS