EXT. A Las Vegas Highway.
We see a sign saying "Welcome to Nevada" it's very quiet on
the highway. Suddenly, a disgusting yellow rusted out
Corvette crashes through the sign and continues speeding down
the highway... we see it's driver and passenger... It's Jesse
Glaspey driving and Jonathan Krueger is in the passenger
seat.
JONATHAN
You just drove through a sign.
JESSE
Oh yeah, we might ruin the paint on
the car... Are we making good time
or what?
JONATHAN
Good point.
The car continues driving as Sid Vicious' cover of "My Way"
continues playing as they drive past a sign saying "Las
Vegas: 50 miles". Meanwhile...
INT. A DARK AND SINISTER UNDERGROUND LAIR.
The Tribunal of Evil is scheming once again...
TRIBUNAL 1
It's all coming together!
TRIBUNAL 2
We finally will be able to gain
vengeance on Capeman, The Cosmic
Weasel and Dr. Wham!!!
TRIBUNAL 3
And we'll finally be able to
sacrifice Liam Smith!!
TRIBUNAL 4
And his friends shall suffer as
well!!!
TRIBUNAL 5
What shall be our weapon of
Revenge?
TRIBUNAL 1
The most feared of all killers...
TRIBUNAL 2
The unstoppable force...
TRIBUNAL 3
THE OMEGA NERDS!!!
TRIBUNAL 4
SWEET JESUS!!! That's too much!
TRIBUNAL 5
I think it's kinda appropriate!
TRIBUNAL 1
So when will the Omega Nerds
attack?
TRIBUNAL 2
When Liam Smith sets foot on their
turf... A sci-fi convention!
TRIBUNAL 3
It just so happens that there is a
convention coming to Las Vegas!
TRIBUNAL 4
Liam and his friends will be unable
to resist attending!
TRIBUNAL 5
What could the convention have that
Liam would be unable to turn away?
INT. LIAM'S PLACE AT UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS.
Donner is watching TV. Stacy is reading the newspaper. Bippo
and Thad are playing cards. Liam barges in...
LIAM
I GOT TICKETS TO WEENIECON 2001!!!
SPECIAL GUEST KARI WUHRER!!!
MUSICAL STING
FADE OUT
--------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG (SUNG TO THE THEME FROM "JACK OF ALL TRADES")
In the year 2001
In Texas lived Jason Donner
Liam Smith made fun of him
Proving that he's really dim
So Jason brought in Jesse
Who's been drinking lots of beer
He wrote this little parody
He finished, now it's here!
(guitar riff)
Liam hangs out with a werewolf
And a homicidal clown
Liam works at Circus Circus,
Las Vegas is his town!
He's clearly stalking Kari Wuhrer
He fought Satan and Scrappy Doo
The show's about to start
So our song is through
OLE!
-------
The Liam Smith Show
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
Liam Smith
and
John Rhys-Davies
as
Professor Arturo
Co-Starring
Jason Donner
as
Donner
Mike Nelson
as
Thad Coffey
Cameron Diaz
as
Stacy VaVoom
Robert Floyd
as
Bippo the Clown
Jason Lee
as
Jesse Glaspey / The Cosmic Weasel
Jack Black
as
Jonathan Krueger / Dr. Wham
Even More Starring
Kari Wuhrer
as
herself
Neil Patrick Harris
as
Gary the Fanboy
Dave Foley
Scott Thompson
Kevin MacDonald
Bruce McCullough
and
Mark McKinney
as
The Tribunal Of Evil
And
Matt Daimon
as
The Alpha Nerd
---
INT. DONNER'S BRAND NEW CAR.
Donner is driving the gang to the convention. Stacy is
sitting shotgun. Liam, Thad and Bippo are sitting in the back
seat.
STACY
I can't believe you want to see
Kari Wuhrer again! And you know
Gary is going to be there!
DONNER
Real smart Liam. Bring your current
girl to meet the girl you were
stalking. And what about the new
restraining order she has against
you?
(A pause)
Liam?
(no response)
Liam?
Donner and Stacy look to the back seat. Liam is now wearing a
disguise. Big sunglasses and a mustache.
LIAM
Como esta Senor Liam?
Stacy sighs and looks at Thad and Bippo
STACY
Why did the two of you want to
come?
THAD
We're looking for a copy of
Bootygirl number one.
STACY
Bootygirl?
BIPPO
She's the hottest new thing! A
superheroine who doesn't talk! She
was raised by killers and is now
trying to be a hero!
STACY
Uh-huh. Why are you coming Donner?
DONNER
Business reasons. Capeman is doing
an autograph signing later today.
All those kids paying for
autographs...money and power, money
and power, money and power!
STACY
That's horrible! Making children
pay for their hero's autograph.
DONNER
Hey! That pay helped me buy this
car!
BIPPO
Man, and what a car! Surround sound
stereo, playstation 2, tv's in the
seats!
LIAM
I wonder if these TV's get
Jigglevision?
DONNER
DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! I'm not
letting any of you mess this car
up!
(to Thad)
And as for YOU dog boy, If you whiz
on my hubcaps. I'll have you
neutered!
THAD
Shouldn't you be paying attention
to the road?
DONNER
GAH!
Donner narrowly avoids oncoming traffic. They arrive at the
convention. As they're getting out of the car, that familiar
yellow corvette drives up and stops one inch short of
colliding with Donner's car.
DONNER
HEY! Why don't you guys watch where
you're driving??
Jesse and Jonathan get out of the car.
JESSE
Sorry, pal. Apparently driving and
eating quarter pounders don't mix.
A pause. They then recognize each other. Greetings are
exchanged and introductions are made.
DONNER
What are you doing in town, man?
JESSE
We're moving here.
THAD
Why is that?
JESSE
Ah, same old reasons, y'know.
LIAM
Didn't you have some show in the
works?
Jesse pauses, then lunges to attack Liam. Jonathan holds him
back.
JESSE
Why you little....!!!!
DONNER
What's with him?
JONATHAN
Long story.
JESSE
I punched out Rupert Murdoch. They
wanted to bump us for "Worlds
scariest musical numbers"
JONATHAN
Apparently not that long.
BIPPO
What are you guys doing here at the
convention though?
JESSE
I heard Kari Wuhrer is here. She's
hot and stuff.
STACY
ARGH! DOES EVERYONE STALK THAT
HUSSY???
JESSE
(to Donner)
What's her beef?
DONNER
She's dating Liam and Liam is still
obsessed with Kari.
LIAM
It's like admiring a Picasso…
that's all, I swear!
BIPPO
Does Kari Wuhrer have triangular
titties?
Jesse pauses.
JESSE
Wait... She...is dating Liam?
BIPPO
We find it hard to believe too.
INT. WEENIECON 2001
The gang goes inside and heads toward the Kari Wuhrer
autograph signing. She's at the Jigglevision booth promoting
"Bootygirl: The Movie". Gary the Fanboy is standing beside
her. He sees Stacy and goes over to talk to her.
GARY
Stacy! I'm surprised to see you
here!
STACY
I'm only here because Liam wanted
to come.
GARY
So Liam's here, eh? Breaking the
new restraining order?
STACY
I don't think it matters. He's my
boyfriend now.
GARY
Oh really? And you're happy?
STACY
Absolutely! I've never been
happier! Watch!
Stacy grabs a person with big sunglasses and a mustache and
kisses him. The person is stunned silent.
STACY
It's okay, Liam. Gary knows it's
you.
PERSON
Que?
Liam walks up.
LIAM
Sorry I left. I had to go potty.
Did I lose my place in line?
STACY
Wait! If you're there... then who
is...
PERSON
Que?
Stacy shoves the person away from her. She then forces a kiss
on Liam.
LIAM
WOW! That was awesome!
STACY
(Wiping tongue)
Would have been better had you not
eaten that garlic covered hot dog
for lunch
GARY
Oh yeah. I can tell the two of you
are happy. Just not as happy as
Kari and me or at least not as
happy as Kari and me when we get
back together like I hope and pray
that we will.
STACY
Then why is Jesse hitting on her?
We see Jesse talking to Kari.
JESSE
So what's it like here in Heaven?
KARI
What?
JESSE
I mean, being in Heaven is the only
way to explain seeing an angel like
you!
Kari giggles.
GARY
HEY!!! THAT'S MY EX-WIFE!!!
JESSE
What? You were married to HER?
JONATHAN
Is every hot chick going out with
dorks or what???
JESSE
I just can't comprehend---AGH!!!
Jesse grabs his head and collapses to the ground.
LIAM
Can't comprehend what? The plot to
Battlefield Earth? The last year's
worth of stories during Morrison's
run on JLA? J. Lo's second album???
Liam and Jonathan help Jesse up.
JESSE
SHUT UP!! Weasel
sense....TINGLING!!! We're in
danger!
LIAM
What?
JESSE
you probably haven't noticed but me
and Jonathan have a secret.
BIPPO
You're gay?
JESSE & JONATHAN
NO!
JESSE
Absolutely not!!!
JONATHAN
We are NOT a couple!
BIPPO
You're the Cosmic Weasel and Dr.
Wham?
JESSE
No...wait...yeah! How'd you know?
THAD
Kinda obvious really.
DONNER
We had it figured out almost
instantly.
STACY
Cosmic who? Dr.what?
Liam fills Stacy in on how they met the Cosmic Weasel and Dr.
Wham fighting the Lilith Swarm....
STACY
Oh. So why are you telling us your
secret identities?
JESSE
Two reasons. One: We figure we
trust you guys.
STACY
And reason two?
JONATHAN
The "Who is..." gimmick was taken
by Capeman.
LIAM
Wow! Jesse and Jonathan are
superheroes! It's hard to believe!
DONNER
Why? You hang out with a werewolf,
a psycho clown, a man from another
dimension, a talking dog, a
supermodel slayer, a vampire and
your boss is a madwoman who wants
to take over the world!!!
GARY
Excuse me! Is he ever going to get
to tell us the danger???
VOICE
That "danger" would be me!
ALL
Who?
The voice is coming from a short man with wire-rimmed glasses
with tape on the nose part. He's wearing a T-shirt with a
picture of Dengar on it and he's carrying Nunchucks.
ALPHA NERD
ME! The leader of the most feared
organization in the world: THE
OMEGA NERDS!!!
ALL
The Omega Nerds???
BIPPO
This dweeb is the big danger?
You've gotta be kidding me!
The Alpha Nerd throws a Dungeons & Dragons rulebook at Bippo
like a ninja star. It hits Bippo in the head, sending him
flying through the air into a table.
BIPPO
Ow.
ALPHA NERD
OMEGA NERDS! ATTACK!!!!
The doors to the convention burst open and a legion of dorks
with weapons swarm in heading toward Liam and the gang!
LIAM
Uh-oh.
----
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Watch XFL!
- Watch TRL!
- Watch SNL!
----
INT. THE CONVENTION CENTER
The squad of Omega Nerds rushes towards Liam and the gang.
LIAM
Quick! We need a plan!
DONNER
RUN!!!!
STACY
Good plan!!! But where???
GARY
Quick! Behind that counter!
The entire gang dives behind it. The Omega Nerds stop.
THAD
Wow! They didn't follow us! Why?
GARY
We're at the Image booth! The Omega
Nerds are repelled by Image comics!
DONNER
So what? We hide behind this table
all night? Bull! Someone fight
those geeks!
Everyone looks at Jesse & Jonathan.
JESSE
Fine, fine!! Let's kick it!
Jesse and Jonathan stand up. Jesse taps a ring on his finger.
His costume comes out and envelops him. He's now The Cosmic
Weasel. He immediately tackles a group of the Nerds and
starts beating on them. Jonathan calls out the mighty word of
power…
JONATHAN
NIPPLAGE!!!
A lightning bolt comes out of the sky and hits Jonathan
transforming him into Dr. Wham. He then starts beating a
group of Nerds one by one…But the duo is quickly getting
outnumbered.
KARI
They're in trouble! Somebody help
them!
DONNER
Yeah! Go get 'em Liam!
LIAM
WHAT?
DONNER
You're right. Bad idea. Kari! Go
kick some fanboy ass!
KARI
Bite me.
DONNER
Wow! I didn't know you swing like
that!
STACY
I have an idea! Thad! Come here!
THAD
What?
Stacy rips off his patch.
THAD
HEY!
Thad starts to wolf out.
STACY
Sic 'em boy!
THAD
Rrrrrrrrrrright!
Thad leaps over the table and starts devouring various nerds
and unfortunately he devours that guy who played Londo on
Babylon 5 also.
DONNER
Um, what the hell do we do when he
finishes off the Nerds and comes
back after us?
Stacy looks at Donner, motions toward Gary and makes a
killing motion with her fingers and neck.
DONNER
Never mind.
A Nerd is running from Thad when a group of them pounces on
him and they start trying to sedate him. When all of a
sudden, something emerges from a pile of old comics and table
parts.
BIPPO
THAT'S IT! NO MORE MR. NICE
CLOWN!!!
Bippo picks up a klingon bat'leth and starts hacking away at
various Nerds.
ALPHA NERD
Fight you cowardly Nerds! FIGHT!
Fight like they just called you a
Denebian slime devil!!!
COSMIC WEASEL
Fight all you want! You're still
going to lose!
ALPHA NERD
HA! Like Xena during the fourth
season, you're in DENIAL!
DR. WHAM
What?
ALPHA NERD
Xena. She went to Egypt in the
fourth season. Denial? De Nile? Get
it?
Dr. Wham and Cosmic Weasel look at each other. Then punch the
Alpha Nerd at the same time.
LIAM
Wow! They're really whipping the
Alpha Nerd's butt!
DONNER
Yeah! One would almost assume they
actually know what they're doing!
GARY
I wouldn't underestimate the Omega
Nerds! They always have a secret
weapon.
KARI
Hey! Are all sci-fi conventions
like this?
STACY
No. There aren't usually this many
women here.
KARI
But the only women here right now
are you and me!
STACY
Wow. I'm impressed you can count
that high.
KARI
HEY!
LIAM
Hey, Gary! How do you know so much
about the Omega Nerds?
GARY
Um, the internet! Yeah, the
internet! That's the ticket!
LIAM
Oh.
Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham are still beating up the Alpha
Nerd. Bippo and Thad are carving up other nerds like
thanksgiving turkeys. Just then, an Omega Nerd knocks over
the table the gang is hiding behind and is brandishing a
katana sword
OMEGA NERD
Prepare for your doom! I'm going to
hack you up like a Highlander
villain! Any last words?
LIAM
Well, this is it! Stacy! I'm sorry
I brought you here!
STACY
And I'm sorry I got jealous of that
skeezix over there!
KARI
HEY! I'm sorry Gary! I never got to
love you the way you wanted me to!
DONNER
Dressed up like Princess Leia?
KARI
How did you know?
DONNER
Lucky guess.
KARI
Hey, where'd Gary go?
LIAM
He pissed his pants and ran away
screaming regrets about not taping
the whole season and a half of
Cleopatra 2525.
KARI
That BITCH!
OMEGA NERD
(to Donner)
Do YOU have any last words?
DONNER
Wait, what time is it?
OMEGA NERD
3pm. Why?
DONNER
In that case, my final words are:
DUCK!
Donner, Liam, Stacy, Kari and Gary hit the dirt. We hear a
rumbling noise.
OMEGA NERD
Wha?
CAPEMAN
CAAAAAAPPPEEEEEMAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN
Capeman flies through the wall and smashes through the Omega
Nerd. He then starts cleaning house and stands heroically in
front of the Cosmic Weasel, Dr. Wham and the Alpha Nerd.
COSMIC WEASEL
Great timing, Capeman! Just like
old times!
CAPEMAN
I'm sorry, who are you?
COSMIC WEASEL
I'm the Cosmic Weasel. That's Dr.
Wham. We all teamed up to fight the
Lilith Swarm?
CAPEMAN
Ohhhhhh yeahhhhhh. That's right.
Who's the neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie?
ALPHA NERD
I'm the leader of the Omega
Nerds!!! The scourges of the sci
fi!
CAPEMAN
Don't you mean "Were" the leader?
They're all knocked out!
BIPPO
Now kick that guy's ass and take
his wallet!
ALPHA NERD
HA HA! You FOOLS! You've all fallen
right into my trap!! SUFFER THE
FURY OF MY SECRET WEAPON!!! MY
PATENTED "WHAMMYVISION"!!!
The Alpha Nerd shoots a ray beam out of his eyes and blasts
Bippo, Thad and Capeman. Capeman sprouts a goatee and starts
striding towards The Cosmic Weasel.
COSMIC WEASEL
Um, why do you have a goatee all of
a sudden?
CAPEMAN
Because I'm EVIL!!!
Capeman punches The Cosmic Weasel so hard he goes through the
wall and lands in the parking lot.
ALPHA NERD
Now attack Dr. Wham, my hound of
hell!!!
Thad pounces and starts chasing Dr. Wham.
DR. WHAM
GOOOOODDDD
DOOOOGGGGGGGGIIIIEEEE!!!!
ALPHA NERD
YES! Once Capeman kills The Cosmic
Weasel and Liam Smith his
reputation will be tarnished
forever! Ruining all their lives!!!
HA HAHAH HAH!!!
LIAM
Next time I get tickets to
ANYTHING, someone remind me to burn
them.
-----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Britney Spears says: Drink Pepsi!
Christina Aguilera says: Drink Coke!
Courtney Love says: Drink Whiskey!
----------------
INT. THE CONVENTION CENTER
Capeman is beating up The Cosmic Weasel in the parking lot
and Thad is chasing down Dr. Wham.
DR. WHAM
CAN SOMEONE GIMME A HAND HERE!!!
LIAM
Is there a chew toy we can toss
Thad?
DONNER
In a few minutes, the Doc is going
to BE a chew toy!
STACY
Why don't you just knock him out,
Mr. Wham?
DR. WHAM
DOCTOR! I AM DOCTOR WHAM! GET IT
RIGHT, BLONDIE! AND I DON'T WANT TO
KNOCK HIM OUT AND POSSIBLY KILL
HIM!!!
LIAM
WAIT! I have an idea!
DONNER
Oh boy, Doc is screwed.
Liam tosses Dr. Wham a copy of Kingdom Come #4.
LIAM
Read it!!!
Dr. Wham reads the issue at super-speed. He then stops dead
in his tracks as Thad rushes towards him.
DR. WHAM
Gotta get the timing just right!
Thad leaps toward Dr. Wham
DR. WHAM
(Leaping out of the way)
NIPPLAGE!!!
A lightning bolt comes from out of the sky and hits Thad
instead of Dr. Wham. Thad is now lying unconscious on the
ground, his fur still smoking.
KARI
Awwwwww…..Doggie is asleep.
DONNER
Why does the chick with no brain
continue to speak?
Meanwhile, Capeman is fighting The Cosmic Weasel.
CAPEMAN
(Kicking Cosmic Weasel in
the gut)
Pathetic! You're no hero! You're a
second rate anti-hero!
COSMIC WEASEL
(Grabbing Capeman's foot
and throwing him back
into the convention area)
This coming from the guy in purple
tights!
CAPEMAN
(Getting up)
Listen to you! You can't even
banter well with opponents! Boring!
COSMIC WEASEL
Oh yeah? Well…SUCK ON THIS, BUTT
FACE!!!
The Cosmic Weasel picks up a very nice car and throws it at
Capeman.
LIAM
(Watching it fly overhead)
Hey, that car looks familiar.
DONNER
It should! IT'S MINE!!!
CAPEMAN
Oh, this is going to sting.
The car smashes into Capeman
COSMIC WEASEL
HA HA! Hope you had life insurance,
Capeman! Or at least, auto
insurance!
The car wreckage starts to shake. Capeman then rips through
the car and attacks the Cosmic Weasel and starts choking him.
CAPEMAN
(Choking Cos)
Now need any more lessons about
being a hero?
COSMIC WEASEL
No…but you…forgot one…
CAPEMAN
What lesson is that?
DR. WHAM
Always have back-up!!!
Dr. Wham sneaks up and kicks Capeman in the jimmy so hard he
grows an extra inch.
EVERYONE
OH!
Capeman is curled up on the ground. Dr. Wham looks at the
Cosmic Weasel.
DR. WHAM
"Suck on this butt-face?"
COSMIC WEASEL
Best I could come up with on short
notice. Not bad for some second
rate anti-heroes, huh?
Dr. Wham and the Cosmic Weasel high five one another. Capeman
rises up behind them while they're not looking.
CAPEMAN
You forgot another rule: Never take
your eyes off the bad guy!
Capeman goes back to beating on Dr. Wham and the Cosmic
Weasel. Meanwhile…
ALPHA NERD
YES! SLAY THEM, CAPEMAN! MY NEW
MINDSLAVE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
LIAM
What do we do? We have to help
them!
BIPPO
What can we do?
LIAM, DONNER, KARI, & STACY
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
LIAM
It's evil Bippo!!!
DONNER
Kick his ass, Liam!
BIPPO
What the hell is going on? I'm here
to help!
STACY
Wait. I think he's serious!
LIAM
So why isn't he evil like Thad and
Capeman?
GARY
The "whammyvision" turned Thad and
Capeman into complete moral
opposites. So, naturally…
DONNER
… It would have no effect on
someone without morals in the first
place!
STACY
Oh come on, he has to have SOME
morals! Doesn't he?
LIAM
Where did you go, Bippo?
BIPPO
I found out those Omega Nerds carry
a lot of cash when I was going
through their wallets!
DONNER
That answer your question, Stacy?
STACY
Fine! But how do we stop Evil
Capeman?
LIAM
We have to break the Alpha Nerd's
concentration! That will break his
spell over Capeman!
DONNER
So what can distract a nerd?
BIPPO
I know!
Bippo shoves Stacy and Kari towards the Alpha Nerd. They slam
right into him, knocking him to the ground.
ALPHA NERD
Hey! Watch….it?
KARI
(Seductively)
Hi! I'm Kari!
ALPHA NERD
I-I-I-I know. I watched every
episode of "Swamp Thing"!
KARI
So you were the guy!
STACY
Hi. I'm Stacy.
Stacy looks at the gang and makes a "What now?" look.
DONNER
(off screen)
Use your feminine wiles!
Stacy pauses and then gets an idea.
STACY
Hey, Kari! What are these things on
our chests?
KARI
Boobs?
ALPHA NERD
Ohhhhhhh wow!
STACY
Hey Kari! Do you shave your legs as
smooth as mine?
KARI
Yeah! Wanna feel them?
The Alpha Nerd staggers.
ALPHA NERD
Two hot girls near me…too much to
handle!
As Alpha Nerd continues to stagger, Stacy walks over to the
Alpha Nerd and whispers a solitary word into his ear.
STACY
(into the Alpha Nerd's
ear)
Vagina.
ALPHA NERD
Uhnnnnn…
Alpha Nerd collapses to the ground going through puberty
right there.
ALPHA NERD
(voice cracking)
I'm changing!!! CHANGING!
The Alpha Nerd looks up to see Capeman, Dr. Wham and the
Cosmic Weasel looking down at him.
CAPEMAN
Well, when you're done changing,
we'd like to have a word with you!
Capeman, Dr. Wham and the Cosmic Weasel start beating the
snot out of the Alpha Nerd.
Stacy walks over to Liam and the gang.
STACY
Shouldn't we call the police?
DONNER
Yeah, we should…
SOUND EFFECT
THWACK!
ALPHA NERD
(off screen)
OW! My crotch!
DONNER
…Eventually.
----
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Got fish?
- Crack: It's not just for kids anymore!
- Make 7up yours!
----
EXT. THE CONVENTION CENTER
The police are escorting The Alpha Nerd and his Omega Nerd
henchmen into a paddy wagon. The gang is standing around. Dr.
Wham and The Cosmic Weasel have changed back to
STACY
I'm sorry I got angry at you, Liam.
I shouldn't have let Gary and Kari
get to me.
LIAM
And I'm sorry I let my obsession
with Kari get in the way of our
relationship. I'm over Kari.
STACY
And Gary, I'm sorry I felt the need
to compete with you over who's
happier. It was childish and
stupid. I'm completely over you and
have moved on. I'm not going to
play these childish games anymore.
GARY
Well, that's awfully big of you!
I'm glad you're not going to act
like a baby like you did when we
broke up.
STACY
Gary, the old Stacy would have
punched you out for that kind of
comment. But I'm above that!
GARY
That's great!
STACY
So I'll have Jesse do it for me…
Gary turns around to see Jesse's fist headed towards him.
SOUND EFFECT
POW!!!
Kari helps Gary to their limo.
EXT. THE CONVENTION CENTER - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Jesse is talking with Jonathan and Capeman.
JONATHAN
Anyways, Thanks for helping
Capeman!
CAPEMAN
That's alright! And I'm sorry I
beat you up, Jesse.
A pause.
JESSE
Beat ME up? We beat YOU up!
Remember?
CAPEMAN
Only because you both ganged up on
me and hit me in my wee-wee.
JESSE
Whatever, we'll see you later
Capeboy.
CAPEMAN
CapeMAN!
JESSE
Whatever.
Thad walks out of the convention. Bippo walks up to him.
Thad's hair is on end and he's still partially smoking.
BIPPO
Are you okay?
THAD
I don't know. Last thing I remember
is wolfing out. Then I wake up with
what looks like a website address
burned into my ass!
BIPPO
Well, if it makes you feel any
better. I got Bootygirl #1!
THAD
Really? How much did you pay?
BIPPO
Pay? I nabbed it when the crowd
was running when the attack
started!
Thad shakes his head.
STACY
Well, looks like everyone is happy!
LIAM
Not everyone.
Liam points to Donner, who is kneeling over the wreckage of
his car.
DONNER
(crying)
So young…to die so soon!
Capeman walks over to Donner.
CAPEMAN
Hey, I was just wondering…Do I get
paid for this convention even
though we ripped it apart or what?
DONNER
GO AWAY!!!
CAPEMAN
Sorry. If you need me, just hit me
up on my two-way. Later!
Capeman walks by Jesse and Jonathan on his way out.
CAPEMAN
See you around Cosmic Beaver!
JESSE
WEASEL! Cosmic WEASEL!
CAPEMAN
Whatever.
CAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPEEEEEMAAANNNNNN!!!!
Capeman flies off. Donner is still crying as he picks up a
hubcap. He holds it close. He then smells something. He
sniffs the hubcap and gets very angry.
DONNER
THAD!!!!!!!
CUT TO:
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LIAM'S APARTMENT
Subtitle: Two days later
Liam is sitting on the couch watching TV with Stacy. Donner
is on the phone talking to his auto insurance agent.
DONNER
WHAT DO YOU MEAN SUPERHERO BRAWLS
AREN'T COVERED??? WHAT AM I PAYING
YOU FOR???
LIAM
Hey, you wanna tone it down? We're
watching The West Wing!
STACY
And you don't care that you're
missing Kari Wuhrer's new movie
"Shanghai Poon" is premiering on
Jigglevision?
LIAM
Nope.
Bippo suddenly barges in.
BIPPO
Hey, Liam! I'm taping that Kari
Wuhrer movie like you asked me to,
but when should I drop it off?
STACY
LIAM!
LIAM
Um….
Thad suddenly barges in also.
THAD
Hey guys! Check out what's
happening outside the lobby!!
The gang heads downstairs to see Jesse and Jonathan shaking
hands with Professor Arturo.
ARTURO
…And welcome to the Upda Creek
family!
JESSE
Thanks! Hey neighbors!
DONNER
NEIGHBORS??? THEY'RE MOVING IN???
HOW?
STACY
I thought all the apartments were
occupied!
JONATHAN
They are. But luckily the basement
is big, empty and cheap!
JESSE
We can turn it into our
headquarters! Isn't this awesome?
DONNER
Well, there goes the neighborhood.
CUT TO:
INT. A DARK AND SINISTER UNDERGROUND LAIR.
The Tribunal of Evil is conferring again…
TRIBUNAL 1
(BLEEP)! We failed AGAIN!
TRIBUNAL 2
It's alright. With all of them
living in the same building now we
WILL have our revenge!
TRIBUNAL 3
Absolutely! Patience is a virtue!
TRIBUNAL 4
One in the hand is worth two in the
bush!
TRIBUNAL 5
Yeah! And speaking of bush, BRING
IN THE DANCING GIRLS!!!
Several strippers come in and start dancing with the Tribunal
of Evil.
FADE OUT
THE END
ROLL CREDITS