THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 2.33 - "N*STINK"
Written by Jesse Glaspey
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. LIAM'S PLACE
Liam and Stacy are sitting together watching TV. It's a
documentary on the year's biggest grossing artists. Donner is
reading the newspaper. Bippo is making a sandwich. Thad and
Arturo are playing chess.
LIAM
Wow! Can you believe how popular
N*Sync and the Backstreet Boys are?
STACY
Apparently there's a huge market
for prettyboys with little talent.
THAD
Boy bands, the haven for those with
no real musical ability.
BIPPO
Oh man, I hate boy bands! If I had
my way…
(Bippo starts bringing the
knife down into his
sandwich in a sharp
stabbing motion.)
Hack! Hack! Kill! Kill!
DONNER
(Not even looking up from
his paper)
For once, I agree with the Joker
and Lassie. Boy bands suck.
TV REPORTER
And the boy bands pulled in over 2
hundred million in album, video and
concert ticket sales alone!
Donner drops the paper.
DONNER
How much did they say?
STACY
Two hundred million dollars.
DONNER
T-t-t-two m-m-m-million dollars???
LIAM
Wow! That's a lot of money!
DONNER
And I want a piece of it! That's
it! I'm forming a boy band!!!
LIAM
Why am I suddenly filled with a
cold dread?
MUSICAL STING
FADE OUT
-------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG (Sung to N*Sync's "Bye, Bye, Bye")
You're watching the Liam Smith Show!
What'll happen, you never know!
It's the funniest show you'll ever see!
Laugh so hard you have to pee!
The show is on,
Tell me why, why why!
Why, why? Liam Smith is outta luck…
Stacy is his girlfriend that he'd like to (BLEEP)
Bippo's insane, baby!
And the show is on, tell me why, why why!
OLE!
-------------------------------------------------------------
The Liam Smith Show
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
Liam Smith
and
John Rhys-Davies
as
Professor Arturo
Co-Starring
Jason Donner
as
Donner
Mike Nelson
as
Thad Coffey
Cameron Diaz
as
Stacy VaVoom
Robert Floyd
as
Bippo the Clown
Betty White
as
Doris Winchester
John Goodman
as
Elvis
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog
Jason Lee
as
Jesse Glaspey / The Cosmic Weasel
Jack Black
as
Jonathan Krueger / Dr. Wham
Even More Starring
Britney Spears
Justin Timberlake
Carson Daly
Kurt Loder
Neve Campbell
And
David Peckinpah
as
Satan
INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS. LIAM'S PLACE.
Liam, Stacy, Thad and Bippo are staring at Donner.
LIAM
You're going to start a boy band?
But you just said they suck!
DONNER
But lots and lots of money can make
up for that! Now I just need to
find five young looking people with
a lot of time on their hands…
Donner looks at the group. Liam, Thad and Bippo turn away
quickly.
DONNER
Liam… Come on, you could use some
more money! Think of all the nice
things you can buy Stacy!
LIAM
But why me?
DONNER
You're really short. You can pass
for a high schooler easily! Plus it
doesn't hurt you have the IQ of a
high schooler!
LIAM
Thanks…I think. What do you think,
Stacy?
STACY
Well, sure. Go for it. If Donner
can actually get this turkey of his
to fly and turn you into a
heartthrob I'll eat my hat.
DONNER
I'll let you be the main stylist if
Liam joins.
STACY
A stylist!!! So I can do
makeovers??? COOL! LIAM IS IN! I'm
going to get my make-up kit!
Stacy runs out.
LIAM
Um, okay…
DONNER
Great! That's one member! Now
Bippo… are you in?
BIPPO
Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but
didn't I just say that BOY BANDS
SUCK AND I WANT THEM DEAD???
DONNER
But think about it! What better way
to take boy bands out than by
posing as one of their own? Think
about it, you kill them one by one
while we're on the road with them!
Eliminating our competition and
making us even more money!
BIPPO
Well… since you put it that way…
I'm in!
DONNER
Thad… old buddy…
THAD
What can you offer me to make me go
along with this harebrained scheme?
DONNER
I can't. But I can just as easily
make Drew Fangtastic an offer if
you turn it down.
THAD
WHAT? DREW? But I'm much better
looking! I'm in!
DONNER
That's three. Now we just need two
more. Now who else would be stupid
enough to join up?
Jesse and Jonathan walk in.
JESSE & JONATHAN
Hello!
JESSE
We need money to replace the water
heater downstairs. Can anyone lend
us some dough?
ARTURO
Replace the water heater? Why? It's
perfectly fine!
Jonathan looks at his watch.
JONATHAN
2…1…
An explosion is heard.
JESSE
Apparently that whole myth about
Pepsi and Pop Rocks is true.
DONNER
So you need money, eh? I have just
the proposition for you guys. Step
into my office.
JONATHAN
That's the bathroom.
JESSE
Sorry, but we don't swing like
that, pal!
DONNER
Listen! I'm putting a boy band
together! I want the two of you to
join!
JONATHAN
WHAT? You expect us to sacrifice
our self-respect and dignity…
JESSE
What little we have…
JONATHAN
To help you cash in on some half
assed fad?
DONNER
You two owe me a car.
A pause.
JONATHAN
When do we start?
INT. A STUDIO - TWO DAYS LATER
Two days pass. Donner gathers the group together to record
their album. In a hastily built recording studio, being
operated by Elvis. Donner is handing out sheet music to the
group.
DONNER
Okay, your group name is *69.
LIAM
Star 69?
DONNER
No. *69. The * is silent.
Liam pauses. Donner shoves sheet music into Liam's hands.
DONNER
These are the lyrics for your first
single "My love (is just seven
digits)"
BIPPO
Wait, what makes you think we can
sing in the first place?
DONNER
Who cares? If talent was a
necessity, boy bands wouldn't
exist! Now sing!
Liam, Thad, Bippo, Jesse and Jonathan start to sing. Elvis
presses a button. A funky techno beat starts to play. They
start recording.
LIAM
(Singing)
Oh baaaabyyyyy! My love is just
seven digits!
BIPPO
(Singing)
Dial me up, won't put ya on hold!
LIAM
(Singing )
My love is just seven digits!
THAD
(Singing)
Call me up or my love'll turn cold!
LIAM
(Singing)
My love is just seven digits!
JONATHAN
(Singing)
Your love, I have to have it!
JESSE
(Singing)
Even though your ass is the size of
a planet!
DONNER
CUT! STOP TAPE! THAT WASN'T PART OF
THE SONG!
JESSE
(laughing)
It should have been, though.
Seriously, who wrote this crap?
ARTURO
IT IS NOT CRAP! I SPENT MANY HOURS
WRITING THAT SONG, YOU BLISTERING
IDIOT!
JONATHAN
(looking at the other
songs)
So I take it you also wrote the
song "Shake Those Funbags"?
ARTURO
Well, if you wanted quality
songwriting, you're talking to the
wrong Slider! Now deal with it!
DONNER
Okay, take two! And Liam! If you
can sing a couple of octaves
higher, that would be great.
LIAM
How can I do that? I'm singing the
best I can!
DONNER
Don't worry. Your voice coach will
help you out.
LIAM
Voice coach?
Doris Winchester walks in.
DORIS
Sing.
LIAM STARTS SINGING AS HIGH AS HE CAN. DORIS GRABS HIS CROTCH
AND SQUEEZES.
LIAM
(Falsetto voice)
AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
!!!
DORIS
How's that, Donner?
DONNER
Perfect!
Doris leaves. The group goes back to singing.
INT. THE STUDIO - THE NEXT DAY
The group is practicing their dance numbers. Doris walks in
the room. Liam covers his crotch protecting it.
DORIS
All right, worms! Line up! I'm your
choreographer and I'm going to have
you slackers busting moves in no
time!
LIAM
You're our voice coach AND
choreographer?
DORIS
Got a (Bleep)ing problem with that?
And was I not talking loud enough
for you? FALL IN MOTHER(BLEEP)ERS!
They all line up.
DORIS
(To Liam)
You! Short stuff! Do the "running
man"! NOW!
Liam starts doing the running man.
DORIS
(To Thad)
YOU! Do "The robot"!
Thad starts doing the robot.
DORIS
(To Bippo)
You! Do some Riverdance!
BIPPO
But I don't know how!
DORIS
DO IT!!!
Bippo starts riverdancing. Donner walks in to see the five
guys dancing horribly.
DORIS
(To Donner)
How do they look?
Donner looks at them dancing like special ed students.
DONNER
It'll do. Now onto getting their
looks down!
INT. THE STUDIO - AN HOUR LATER
Stacy is doing makeovers
STACY
(To Donner)
Okay. I'm having some problems
here. First off, Jesse is too pale,
Jonathan is too large for any of
the clothes I give him, Bippo won't
let me change his make-up, And what
is going to happen to Thad's
hairstyle if he wolfs out?
DONNER
What about Liam?
Liam walks out with his hair in dreadlocks, a shiny T-shirt
and tight leather pants. Everyone starts laughing.
LIAM
Do I have to wear this?
DONNER
You all will have to! Your first
concert is tonight on Saturday
Night Live!
THAD, BIPPO, JESSE, JONATHAN & LIAM
TONIGHT???
STACY
Oh, this ought to be good.
------------------ -------------------------- ---------------
------------- ----------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Pets.com: We promise we'll cut air holes in the boxes this
time!
- Priceline.com: Visit us or we'll have Shatner keep singing!
- Ebay.com: Where else can you buy cheap crap at sky high
prices?
-------------------------------- ----------------------------
---- ---------------------------------
We see a montage of the following images set to *69's hit
song "My love (is just 7 digits)":
- The Billboard chart. *69 is number one!
- *69's cd's flying off the shelf, getting snatched up by
groups of young girls.
- The members of *69 getting chased by swarms of young girls.
- Various young girls putting up posters of members of *69.
- Various prison inmates putting up posters of members of
*69. Particularly Liam.
- The Grammy awards. LeeAnn Rimes and Wu-Tang Clan member Ol'
Dirty Bastard are presenting.
LEEANN RIMES
And the Grammy for best new group
goes to…. *69!
*69 runs up on stage and takes their grammy. Thad takes the
podium.
THAD
I wanna thank all of our fans for
getting us here!
Bippo takes the podium next.
BIPPO
I wanna thank all my lawyers for
getting me aquitted! Remember! If
there's no body, there's no crime.
Now it's Jonathan's turn.
JONATHAN
I just want to say, I did NOT sleep
with that young intern! As a matter
of fact, we were up… all… night!
BWAHAHAHAHAA!
Jesse takes the podium.
JESSE
I have no one to thank. I just
wanted to do this…
Jesse punches out LeeAnn Rimes.
JESSE
THAT was for your cover of "Purple
Rain"! For so white a girl to go
there.
OL' DIRTY BASTARD
Word!
He gets a couple shots in as well. Liam takes the podium.
LIAM
I just want to thank my girlf-
The music cuts Liam off. The other band members drag Liam off
stage. They're now back at Liam's place.
LIAM
I still don't understand why I
couldn't thank Stacy.
DONNER
Because, if you mention that you
have a girlfriend. It could hurt
our fan base!
STACY
I'm just surprised you still
remember that you have a girlfriend
at all!
LIAM
What's that supposed to mean?
STACY
It just means you haven't been
spending as much time with me
lately. Between all the concerts
and appearances, and the fact you
can't reveal the fact you have a
loving girlfriend…
LIAM
I want to! But Donner won't let me.
DONNER
We can reveal it later! We're still
walking on eggshells after Jesse's
horrible appearance on the Kilborn
show.
CUT TO:
INT. THE CRAIG KILBORN SHOW
Jesse is punching Kilborn in the face repeatedly.
JESSE
BE MORE FUNNY!!!
Jesse goes back to punching Kilborn.
CUT TO:
LIAM'S APARMENT AGAIN.
DONNER
And then there's Bippo taking out
our competetion!
Bippo is washing off his chainsaw.
BIPPO
Let me tell you, that JC kid from
N*Sync cries like a woman! It
wasn't pretty.
DONNER
Our public image is very fragile!
Anything could burst our bubble and
then where would we be?
LIAM
Back to our normal lives with a
buttload of cash left over?
Donner pauses.
DONNER
Shut up! Now let's go. We have to
be at MTV by 2pm. We're on TRL
today.
CUT TO:
INT. BRITNEY SPEARS' MANSION
Britney is sitting on her bed watching MTV. Justin Timberlake
of N*Sync is painting her toenails. *69 is on MTV.
BRITNEY
Look at those fools! They cannot
compare to the Britney! The Britney
is the queen of pop! The Britney is
number one on the charts! The
Britney wants *69 gone so she may
reign supreme!
JUSTIN
Yes, Britney! You're absolutely
right, oh magnificent diva-kins!
BRITNEY
Find them! Find *69 and humilate
them! What show are they on today?
JUSTIN
They're on TRL today, queen of
popdom!
BRITNEY
TRL??? That is the Britney's show!
Carson Daly is The Britney's bitch!
GO! And ruin them so that The
Britney can sleep well!
JUSTIN
Yes, Britney! Immediately, Britney!
Justin rushes off.
INT. TRL'S STUDIO.
TRL is on the air and tons of girls are screaming…
CARSON DALY
What's up, party people? Carson
here. Our first guests today are
burning up the airwaves with their
hit single "My love (is just 7
digits)" and they're here to
premiere their new video "Shake
Those Funbags". Give a warm TRL
welcome to *69!!!
*69 walks out. Girls are cheering like crazy.
CARSON
So, how's life on the road been
treating you guys?
BIPPO
It's great! Free food, good money,
plenty of drifters to kill.
CARSON
Um…right. So, are any of you seeing
anyone special?
JESSE
Carson. For the last time! I told
you. WE LIKE GIRLS!
The girls cheer. Carson looks pissed but does nothing. While
the interview continues, Justin sneaks up behind the
audience.
JUSTIN
HEY! *69 IS GIVING AWAY FREE
AUTOGRAPHS!
GIRL #1
Free autographs??? Did you hear
that?
GIRL #2
Yeah! Let's get them!
WHOOOO!!!!!!!!!
An audience full of screaming girls rushes the group. During
the rush, Justin sneaks up and rips off Thad's patch.
THAD
Um, guys…
BIPPO
What? HEY! LADY! THAT'S NOT A PEN
YOU'RE GRABBING!
THAD
My patch is gone.
JESSE
Again? Damn. That thing just
doesn't want to stay on, does it?
THAD
Oh boy….herrrrrrrrrrrre we
gooooooRRROOWWWLLL!!!
Thad wolfs out. The girls run for it. Thad pounces on Carson
and starts devouring him.
JUSTIN
Success! Maybe since I did so well,
Britney might let me clean her bed
with my tongue!
INT. BRITNEY SPEARS' MANSION
JUSTIN
Britney! I have returned from my
mission! Which I accomplished! May
I be rewarded with your dainty
fingernail clippings?
He walks into Britney's bedroom. Britney throws a brick at
him. It misses and lands on Britney's dog.
BRITNEY
FAILURE! You incompetent boob! You
have failed the Britney!
JUSTIN
What? How? Their band member turned
into a werewolf and killed Carson
Daly!
BRITNEY
FOOL! Did you not realize that
would only help their career? Now
they're number one on not only the
pop charts but on the rock and rap
charts as well!!!
Britney bitch slaps Justin.
JUSTIN
Thank you, my Britney! Is there
anything else I can do?
VOICE
How about instead of embarrassing
them, you discredit their
reputation?
BRITNEY
Who said that? Who dares to order
the Britney?
The voice comes from a chair in the corner. The chair spins
around to reveal… It's Satan!
SATAN
Britney! I'm shocked. You don't
remember your old friend, Satan?
BRITNEY
The Britney remembers you all too
well.
SATAN
You'd do well to remember the name
of the man who made you popular in
the first place. As well as the man
who brought back the boy band
craze. And got Dark Angel renewed
for another season but that's a
whole other subject.
JUSTIN
But why do you want to ruin *69?
SATAN
Because unlike all the other pop
acts, they didn't cut me in on the
action. Plus, I have a vested
interest in Liam Smith. Take this
video tape. Air it and all should
come crashing down for them.
Britney takes the tape and Satan disappears in a puff of
smoke.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT.
Liam and the gang are counting stacks of money. Donner barges
in.
DONNER
Turn on MTV! Now!
BIPPO
Right on! I want my MTV too!
Donner turns on MTV. Kurt Loder is there with MTV news.
KURT LODER
A video tape has just been released
on an adult website by an anonymous
source indicating *69 band member
Jesse Glaspey of engaging in lewd
sexual acts with actress Neve
Campbell. More on this at MTV.Com
and for those of you without
computers, you can all go to hell.
Now, back to our Real World
marathon!
JESSE
Oh, crap.
JONATHAN
Neve Campbell? Was she drunk or
something?
JESSE
HEY!
---------------------- --------------------------- ----------
--------------------------------- ----
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- WB: The night is young!
- UPN: We're X-treme!
- FOX: What the hell are YOU looking at?
----------------- ------------------------- -----------------
------------------- -------------------
INT. A TV STUDIO
VH-1's hit series Behind The Music is on. They're focusing on
*69.
NARRATOR.
*69 was riding high in 2001. They
had money, fame, the adulation of
the masses. Then, it all came
crashing down! The group had
survived the controversies that all
boy bands face. They didn't write
their own songs, or even
choreograph their own dances. But
other controversies were tougher to
shake. They had an alleged serial
killer in their group, Bippo the
Clown. And another band member,
Thad Coffey, suffered from
lycanthropy. He was a werewolf.
A shadow is shown of someone close to the group. It looks
like a dog holding a cigar.
VOICE
Yes, yes. Thad is a werewolf. But
let's be honest, he proves the
stereotype of dogs having large
bones isn't always true! Ha ha! I
joke. I joke. He's a good kid…. FOR
ME TO POOP ON!!!
NARRATOR
But that wasn't their only problem.
A sordid sex tape of band member
Jesse and actress Neve Campbell
surfaced. We here at Behind The
Music cannot air the video due to
it's pornographic nature but we can
air the audio of the escapade.
The screen goes black and we hear the following.
JESSE
Oh yes… Neve Campbell… from Scream!
NEVE
Wow! This is great!
JESSE
You bet…Neve Campbell…from Wild
Things! Oh yeah!…I'm having sex
with Neve Campbell!
NEVE
Why do you keep saying my name?
JESSE
What name?
NEVE
My name! Neve Campbell!
JESSE
From the Craft?
NEVE
Yes!
JESSE
Never mind. Just keep leaning back
so they can see your face.
NEVE
What?
JESSE
Never mind.
NARRATOR
As you can see, Jesse was a sexual
predator. Whose thirst for booty
could not be sated.
VOICE
Yes, yes. Jesse was a freak! But
he's kind of old. I mean he has
more wrinkles than the schnauser I
humped last night!
NARRATOR
How old is he?
VOICE
23. But I kid. I kid. He's a good
fella…FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Donner, Stacy and the rest of the band are watching the TV in
awe.
LIAM
Wow! Who was that voice that sold
us out???
Everyone stares at Liam.
DONNER
What are you, stupid??? That was
Triumph!!! That's it. We're ruined.
Donner is muttering when his cell phone rings. He answers it.
He starts smiling. He hangs up.
STACY
What is it? Is the band finished?
Can we all go back to our normal
lives?
DONNER
We're the number one album in the
world. We're now booked to play
Madison Square Garden!
LIAM
Madison Square Garden in New York
City?
DONNER
No. Madison Square Garden in
Topeka, Kansas. Yes, the one in New
York City!
LIAM
This is great!
INT. BRITNEY SPEARS' MANSION
BRITNEY
This sucks! *69 is performing
Madison Square Garden! That's the
Britney's arena!!!
JUSTIN
What can we do now, my little
silicone sweetheart?
BRITNEY
Embarrassing them didn't work.
Neither did discrediting them. Our
only other option…is to kill them!
You will assassinate them! So good
luck.
JUSTIN
What? Me?
Britney hands Justin a rifle.
BRITNEY
There you go. That gun was given to
me by Ted Nugent.
JUSTIN
(whining)
It's so heavy!
BRITNEY
Go forth and slay the Britney's
enemies! And to ensure victory, the
Britney will accompany you so I may
smell their fresh blood and devour
their hearts for power!
JUSTIN
Riiiiiiiiight.
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN
*69 comes down to the stage from the rafters on a giant
telephone prop. They hop off and the phone rises back up.
They start singing "Shake Those Funbags" on stage. We see
Justin climbing the rafters above them.
LIAM
(Singing)
Shake your funbags!
THAD, BIPPO, JESSE & JONATHAN
(Singing)
Chicka boom chicka boom!
LIAM
Cause my love for you is trembling!
THAD, BIPPO, JESSE & JONATHAN
(Singing)
Boom chicka boom chicka!
GIRL IN AUDIENCE #1
Oh my god! Liam is so hot!!!
STACY
(Grabs Girl)
You stay away from him, bitch!
GIRL IN AUDIENCE #1
What?
STACY
I mean, um, I heard he's gay.
GIRL IN AUDIENCE #1
He is? Oh. Well what about Jesse?
STACY
He's not gay, just stupid.
GIRL IN AUDIENCE #1
Cool! JESSE, I LOVE YOU!!!!
WHOOO!!!!!!
Justin puts the gun together. He then starts to aim at Liam.
Jesse's weasel sense goes off. He collapses to the ground.
GIRL IN AUDIENCE #1
Oh my god! He's going to do a
solo!!!
JESSE
(Kneeling)
Oh…my… god! We're in danger!
LIAM
(Singing)
Our love is in danger!
JESSE
No, you idiot! I mean we're in
DANGER danger!
JONATHAN
Shouldn't we get off stage, then?
DONNER
(Off-stage)
If you walk off stage, I'LL put you
in danger! FINISH THE (BLEEP)ING
SHOW!
Justin aims his rifle and fires. He misses completely as the
bullet strikes a useless part of the stage. The group looks
up to see Justin teetering above the rafters.
BIPPO
Boy, he doesn't have very good aim,
does he?
THAD
Apparently, that gun had too much
kick for him, as well.
JONATHAN
Luckily, I have impeccable aim.
Jonathan throws a quarter, striking Justin in the head and
sending him careening off the rafters, backstage and into a
trash compactor.
DONNER
(Hits the compact switch)
Whoops!
*69 continues the show, they stop as the bloodcurdling scream
of Justin Timberlake echoes through the arena as he's crushed
to death in the compactor. After a second, they go back to
performing.
BRITNEY
If you want something done right,
then the Britney has to do it
herself!
Britney storms on stage.
BRITNEY
*69! You have angered the Britney
for the last time!
LIAM
Holy crap! It's Britney Spears!
GIRL IN AUDIENCE #1
Is this part of the show?
BACKSTAGE…
DONNER
This isn't part of the show! What
the hell is going on?
BRITNEY
The Britney has been trying to rid
the world of you simpletons! But
you still remain popular!
STACY
So Princess Jailbait is behind all
their problems?
BRITNEY
And now, I will destroy you all!!!
Liam, Thad and Bippo look at Jesse and Jonathan.
JESSE
What?
LIAM
Shouldn't you two turn into the
Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham around
now?
JESSE
Do you really think we need to?
JONATHAN
I mean, it's Britney Spears! Like
she poses a threat?
Britney's eyes start to glow red and her arms turn into
massive guns.
ROBO-BRITNEY
DIE!!!!
Britney starts firing Liam and the gang dive behind the
amplifiers.
LIAM
NOW do you think you should change?
JESSE
I'd say now's a good time!
JONATHAN
Very astute of you!
Jesse taps his ring and his costume appears over him turning
him into the Cosmic Weasel. Jonathan calls for the mighty
word.
JONATHAN
NIPPLAGE!
Lightning crashes and Dr. Wham leaps forward.
GIRL IN AUDIENCE #1
Now THIS is a (Bleep)ing stage
show!
COSMIC WEASEL
All right, Britney. Just settle
down and stop getting all Courtney
Love on us!
DR. WHAM
Put the gun thingys away. We don't
want to have to hurt you!
Robo-Britney swings her arms up, smacking Dr. Wham and the
Cosmic Weasel into a wall.
BIPPO
Hey, Donner! If they die, can we
become a trio like Destiny's Child?
DONNER
Oh, Shut UP!
Robo-Britney continues to beat on the Cosmic Weasel.
COSMIC WEASEL
Go on! Do your worst! Hit me baby
one more time!!!
Robo-Britney punches the Cosmic Weasel repeatedly in the
face.
COSMIC WEASEL
OW! Wait! Never mind!
Robo-Britney brings up her gun arms to blast the Cosmic
Weasel when Dr. Wham hits her from behind with an electric
guitar.
DR. WHAM
Oops! I did it again!
Robo-Britney swats Dr. Wham and the Cosmic Weasel backstage.
ROBO-BRITNEY
COWARDS! When the Britney is
through with the two of you, then
the Britney will kill all the
people who helped make you famous!
Donner helps The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham up.
DONNER
Did you hear that? You guys have to
do something!
DR. WHAM
But what? She's f'ing tough! And
Cos seems out of it!
COSMIC WEASEL
(Dazed)
She bangs! She bangs! And when she
move, she moves!
Liam, Thad and Bippo run back stage.
THAD
What now?
DONNER
How did you guys get back here?
BIPPO
The press is taking pictures of
Robo-Britney. She's kind of
distracted.
We see Robo-Britney smiling and waving to the press, also
signing some autographs.
DR. WHAM
Okay! I have a plan. While Britney
is distracted, we drop that giant
phone on her! That should stop her!
LIAM
Don't we have to get her under the
phone first?
DR. WHAM
Good point. Hmm. How do we do
that???
BIPPO
HEY BRITNEY! CHRISTINA AGUILERA
SAYS YOU SUCK!!!
ROBO-BRITNEY
Why that no good little skeeze!
Robo-Britney starts striding towards Dr. Wham and the gang.
DR. WHAM
STOP!
Robo-Britney stops.
ROBO-BRITNEY
What?
DR. WHAM
(Points up)
Phone call for you.
Dr. Wham cuts the ropes holding the phone up. The phone comes
crashing down onto Robo-Britney, killing her.
GIRL IN AUDIENCE #1
Dude! We have GOT to see what they
do for an encore!
DONNER
Good! Now head back out and finish
the show!
DR. WHAM
We can't finish! Jesse is damn near
out cold!
COSMIC WEASEL
Ladies, leave you man at home! The
club is full of ballers with their
pockets full blown!
DONNER
Oh give me a break! If going out on
stage half-conscious was a crime,
Whitney Houston would have been
arrested years ago!
The group goes back on stage. The crowd is still rocked by
what happened.
LIAM
I can't believe this! They still
love us! Why can't we just get out
of this so I can go back to my
girlfriend!
BIPPO
Um, Liam. Your microphone is still
on.
GIRL IN AUDIENCE #1
Did you hear that? They have
girlfriends!!!
Stacy thinks for a second.
STACY
POSERS! BOO!!! FRAUDS!!! BOO!!!
AUDIENCE
BOO!!!!
DR. WHAM
Geez, they're a fickle bunch!
GIRL IN AUDIENCE #1
Did you hear that? They called us a
bunch of (bleep)ers! BOOO!!!!
DR. WHAM
No! I didn't say "bunch of
(Bleep)ers"! I said "fickle bunch"!
Dr. Wham is hit with a tomato. Members of the audience start
hurling food and beer bottles at *69.
THAD
Beer bottles? How the hell did
minors get a hold of beer bottles?
DR. WHAM
And why is Stacy handing out fruit
for them to throw at us?
LIAM
That's my girl!
-------- ----------------------------------- ----------------
-------------------- --------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Go see Snatch!
- Go see Blow!
- Go see Dick!
------------------------ ------------------------------------
-------- ---------------------------
INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS. LIAM'S PLACE
Liam and Stacy are sitting back watching a where are they now
featuring *69.
STACY
Well, Liam. I hope you learned
something from all of this.
LIAM
You bet! I learned it's much better
to make it in the music industry on
vocal skill and the ability to
perform! Not to get by on a gimmick
and my incredibly good looks!
STACY
Incredibly… good…looks?
LIAM
What?
STACY
(Holding back laughter)
Nothing.
Donner walks in. He's depressed.
DONNER
Hi.
LIAM
Hey, Donner. How are you holding
up?
DONNER
Okay.
STACY
Even though the bags of cash aren't
rolling in anymore?
DONNER
Yeah.
STACY
Even though you're being sued by
Britney Spears' record label for
murdering her?
DONNER
Yeah.
STACY
Even though Madison Square Garden
is suing you for property damage?
DONNER
Yeah.
STACY
Even though MTV is suing you for
Thad killing Carson Daly?
DONNER
Actually, they're not suing so much
for that as they are suing for
Snoopy whizzing on their set.
LIAM
So all that cash we made is going
to them?
DONNER
Basically, yeah.
LIAM
I'm sorry to hear about that.
DONNER
It's okay. I found a way to make a
bunch of money and a way for Thad,
Bippo, Jesse and Jonathan to pay me
back for all the damage they caused
at the same time!
STACY
How is that?
Thad, Bippo, Jesse and Jonathan walk in Liam's apartment
wearing KISS makeup and outfits.
JESSE
I wanna rock and roll all nite! And
party every day! WHOO!
STACY
Here we go again…
FADE OUT
ROLL CREDITS