INT. THAD'S APARTMENT
There's a knocking at the door, THAD opens it to reveal LIAM.
LIAM
Have you seen Bippo at all?
THAD
Not since work, he said he had
something's planned with...
(scoffs)
...Drew.
LIAM
Oh. I wonder what fun those two
could get up to tonight.
THAD
(quickly)
I don't care.
LIAM
You don't care? Bippo's your best
friend and he's hanging out with a
vampire who's kicked your ass twice
before and threatened to pull your
tonsils out of your butt!
THAD
I'm not jealous!
LIAM
(beat)
I… didn't say you were.
THAD
Oh, just leave!
LIAM
Fine.
Liam leaves. The distraught Thad's lower lip begins to
quiver.
EXT. MAC COMPUTERS MAIN DISTRIBUTION AND MANUFACTURING
DREW FANGTASTIC and BIPPO THE CLOWN pull themselves out of a
sewer in front of the building and run across the road. No
sooner are they across then the building explodes, sending
them diving for cover.
BIPPO
Wow, nice explosion.
DREW
What?
(he looks at the exploding
building)
Oh boy…
FLASHBACK
EXT. GERMAN COMMUNICATION TRENCHES
Drew dressed as a British solider is seen running in the
trench systems which are under heavy bombing, while two
German soldiers take pot shots at him with their rifles,
destroying a support strut that collapses behind Drew.
Suddenly the ground opens up underneath him, as a rather
massive shell strikes right behind him, burying the Germans
with mud. Drew falls down into a mining shaft that was opened
up by the blast. He picks himself up, dusts himself off, then
gets away from the entrance.
SUBTITLE: 1918
INT. TUNNEL SYSTEM
Drew makes his way through the tunnel only to find several
corpses there, bending down, he finds puncture marks on their
necks.
YOUNG DREW
(very toff like)
Oh, I say, how very Bram Stoker.
FADE TO:
PRESENT DAY
EXT. MAC COMPUTERS MAIN DISTRIBUTION AND MANUFACTURING
As before. Drew shakes his head clear and looks at the
remains of the building.
DREW
(under breath)
Can't believe I used to talk like
that.
(Normal)
Yeah, your best work to date I
think.
BIPPO
You haven't known me very long,
suck-face. The timing was off and
the debris rain was WAY too sparse.
So why did we have to blow it up
anyhow?
DREW
Scuze me?
BIPPO
Why did you want me to help you
wreck a place that was developing
cybernetic robots and advance
military gadgets, when we could
have made millions getting Donner
to sell the stuff for us to greedy
third world would be world
conquerors?
DREW
Er, I… have my reasons.
(to self)
Damndamndamndamndamndamndamndamn!
(normal)
Come on, let's go do something
constructive. Like get very drunk.
BIPPO
I thought you said once Vampires
can't get drunk?
DREW
(a beat)
Depends what we have.
BIPPO
What do you mean?
INT. BAR
Drew is drunk, blind drunk. He's swinging on a dancing girl
pole with a glass of whiskey in one hand yelling obscenities
at the crowd. Most of the dancing girls are staying as far
away from him as possible. A couple of patrons are lying out
cold on the floor with broken noses.
BIPPO
All this on two fingers of whiskey?
Oy.
MUSICAL STING
--------------------------------------------------------------
Theme tune (to the theme of "Blackadder 2")
To tell the truth this is not his show,
But today he's treating it just sooooohohoho.
He started off as a hack writer,
But now he's ego's gone and taken over.
Fangtasic, Fangtastic,
We hope you like this tune,
Fangtastic, Fangtastic,
We hope we got it riiiiiiiight.
Liam Smith, Liam Smith,
Your taking a back seat,
Liam Smith, Liam Smith,
It's that's Vampire's back story.
HOORAY!
--------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar as "LIAM SMITH"
Jon Rhys Davies As "PROFESSOR ARTURO"
GUEST STARRING
Robert Floyd as "BIPPO the CLOWN"
Mike Nelson as "THAD COFFEY"
David Hopper as "DREW FANGTASTIC"
Louie Anderson as "POLICE CHIEF PIGGY"
SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY
Christopher Lee as The Voice of "DEATH"
Hugh Laurie as "Lt George Colthurst St Barleigh"
Eliza Dushku as "Anna"
Tony Robinson as "Baldrick"
AND SPECIAL GUEST STARS
Traci Lords as "Havana Goodtime"
and
Stephen Fry as "General sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay MELCHETT / MELCHETT"
INT. BAR
Same as before. Five bouncers are trying to get Drew down
from the stage, using their guns.
BOUNCER
Get down off the stage, boy.
FADE TO:
FLASHBACK
INT. CAVE - 1917
Drew is now further inside the tunnel system. There's bodies
all over the place, and a rather knolled, grey skinned
VAMPIRE, that attacks Drew. He punches it off him, pulls out
his gun and fires. The Vampire gets hit by every single shot
Drew fires, and falls into a puddle. Drew drops the gun and
edges towards the fallen vamp.
DREW (V.O.)
Boy?
INT. BAR - The Present
The bouncers open fire, Drew takes one shot, without even
noticing it. More shots are fired, drew starts convulsing
with the impacts. Eventually Drew disappears from sight in
gun smoke. Two of the bouncers empty their magnums into him.
CUT TO:
Two more Bouncers firing Uzi's in Drew's direction.
CUT TO:
The lead Bouncer, now firing a shotgun at Drew. Everything
goes into slow motion, the bullets slow to a slow pace,
leaving behind their trials. The Bouncer sits down next to
Bippo and they start drinking and taking to each other in
normal speed while everything else goes on in slow motion.
BIPPO
Oh no, those bozos just shot Drew!
Wow, look at the trail of smoke the
bullet is leaving in its wake, like
that effect in 'The Matrix'. Wonder
if it'll hurt when the bullet
reaches him
BOUNCER
Well, they say having your head
blown off is a quick and painless
death, but no one knows for sure.
BIPPO
Why's that?
BOUNCER
Because no one's ever experienced
such a condition and lived to tell
about it.
BIPPO
Well, I guess Drew's about to find
out, seein' as how that bullet's
getting pretty close to him. It
should hit any nanosecond now..."
The Bouncer gets up and moves back to where he was standing
when he fired his gun.
BOUNCER
Well, gotta go, can't bend the laws
of physics like this forever you
know.
Everything goes instantly back into normal speed. The bullets
whiz past and hit the smoke that still surrounds Drew, who
goes flying onto the stage from the impact.
BARKEEP
Tough customer that one.
BIPPO
WOHO! YEAH! Gun him down good boys.
BARKEEP
Aren't you with him?
Bippo shoots him a dangerous look.
BARKEEP
I'll rephrase that. Didn't you come
in with him?
BIPPO
I think so. Did I come in with him?
BARKEEP
Yep.
BIPPO
Then I must be with him.
The barkeep raises a sawn off shotgun at Bippo.
BIPPO
Aw crap, gotta keep my mouth shut
in future.
BOUNCER
I think we got him.
BARKEEP
You think? What are you dense? You
shot off about a dozen rounds.
FLASHBACK
INT. CAVE - 1917
As Drew turns to leave, his leg gets grabbed and the vamp
pulls him down, scratching it's fingernails across his chest
forming a crude "Z" and wrestles with him for a minute before
throwing him into a wall. Drew groans as his senses return to
him, then sees the creature running at him, at the last
second he ducks out of the way and the creature impales
itself on a wooden beam that was sticking out.
VAMPIRE
Oh... you little twat!
The vampire vanishes in a puff of smoke. Drew rubs his sore
chest, looks at the blood, and clambers to his feet. He's not
in a good way.
INT. BAR - THE PRESENT
The bouncers move in to examine the body. Drew lies on the
ground, covered in his (?) own blood, an empty beer bottle in
his hand.
BOUNCER
Didn't he have a whiskey glass
before?
Drew rises to his feet in one swift movement and smashes the
bottle over the head of the lead bouncer, KO'ing him in one
go. The other bouncers try to fire their guns only to find
them empty. By which time, Drew has grabbed two of them by
their necks and thrown over his shoulders into the barkeep.
One of the remaining Bouncers goes for Drew with
knuckledusters on his hands. Drew ducks two mad swings and
then kicks out - sending the Bouncer out of the building via
the window. Bippo helps himself to another beer while the
barkeep is out.
FLASHBACK
INT. TUNNEL SYSTEM - 1917
Drew is staggering through the system and looks at his
bleeding chest.
YOUNG DREW
I can't believe he went and
scratched me. A great big monster,
and he fights like a girl.
INT. BAR - THE PRESENT
Drew looks at the bullet wounds, and tastes his own blood.
DREW
Sunova- Damnit, I HATE getting
shot. Ruins my wardrobe.
BIPPO
Nice moves there, Drewy boy.
DREW
Thanks, I knew that kickboxing
class back in the forties would
come in handy sometime.
The last bouncer of the group comes back in with his gun
trained on Drew. Drew kicks it out of his hands and stares at
him. The Bouncer looks at him back, trying to outstare him,
then fear comes across his face. We hear a noise like a
running tap, and the bouncer goes running off, holding his
groin. Bippo looks at Drew, who shrugs, then he freezes up as
he hears a clicking noise behind him. He raises his hands as
a gun is pointed into his back by the first bouncer.
BOUNCER
FREEZE!
DREW
No, I don't think so. It's pretty
warm tonight and I don't have a
body temperature anyhow. Now if we
were in, say, Alaska-
BOUNCER
Shut up.
(a beat)
I mean, don't move.
But Drew does, in fact he moves so fast, he's right behind to
the Bouncer in less then a second and already has the man in
a very painful arm lock. He takes the gun away from him.
DREW
You weren't going to shoot me now,
were you?
BOUNCER
Come on man, let me go. Let me go.
DREW
I will, but first, let me show you
something.
Drew crushes the gun in his free hand.
BOUNCER
Oh man.
DREW
(face changes into
"vampire face")
You've no idea what your messing
around with here, do you?
BIPPO
Hey, Drew, sorry to ruin your fun,
but sunrise is in ten minutes.
DREW
(face goes back to normal)
Damn, okay, forget it. We cross
paths again, I'll show you what I
REALLY am.
BOUNCER
A v-v-v-v-v-vampire!
BIPPO
Aw, he guessed it!
The bouncer falls to the floor as Drew lets him go, and stays
there in a foetal position even after Drew and Bippo have
left. A very well polished boot comes into focus, and a man
clears his throat. The bouncer looks up at the new arrival.
BOUNCER
Who are you?
The owner of the boot steps into full view. It belongs to a
man in a trench coat in his fifties with a handlebar
moustache. Very pompous, very arrogant, very stereotactically
English.
MELCHETT
I believe you may have some
information for me. Concerning that
man you've just met. BAAAAH!
EXT: THE VEGAS STRIP
There's no sign of daybreak yet, it's still quite dark. Drew
turns to Bippo with a confused look.
DREW
What was that about? Daylight
coming up soon? It's 2am.
BIPPO
Well, somewhere in the world, the
sun is rising right now.
DREW
(looking ready to kill)
And somewhere else it's setting.
BIPPO
Ah, touche!
DREW
(a beat, he calms down)
I think so, is that possibly?
(a beat)
Bippo, why did you really stop me?
I wasn't really going to hurt him.
(a beat)
Well, not much. A couple of bones.
And it's not like you to not get
involved in some mindless violence.
BIPPO
Well, if you must know-
DREW
I must.
BIPPO
I've kinda had my share of mindless
violence for tonight. Best to not
get over stimulated.
DREW
WHAT?
BIPPO
Besides, you know how Liam and the
Professor and Stacy feel about you
going around killing people, even
pimps and drug dealers.
But… Well after you got shot, in
fact after the explosion earlier,
you seemed to blank out a few
times, like you were remembering
something. You muttered something
about, I dunno, the Hun?
DREW
The Hun?
(a beat)
Oh… Bippo, did I ever tell you HOW
I became a vampire?
BIPPO
Nope. Right now I'm wondering how
you can still stand, let alone
fight after all those rounds you
took.
DREW
It was back in world war one,
somehow after a mission into no
man's land, I- What?
BIPPO
You took a pounding.
DREW
They were crap shots, see? Most of
them missed. I only really took
about five bullets.
(a beat)
Mind you, I'll have to get a new
jacket. Any pimps about? No, oh
well.
(a beat)
Anyhow, back in World War I, I
wound up in the Germen trench line
and had to run for it. Thankfully,
there was a shelling attack on at
the time, so there weren't many
guards out there.
BIPPO
On second thought, do I really have
to hear this?
DREW
It was nineteen seventeen. But the
creature that turned me, didn't
even look human.
(a beat)
I was twenty years old.
I haven't aged a day since in
nearly, what, eighty four years
now?
BIPPO
Look, really… I really don't care.
DREW
Vampires don't age, not bad for a
hundred and four year old, eh?
Besides, I've always looked younger
then I was, even when I was human.
Come on, there's another club here,
we can have a quiet drink in here,
and I'll tell you all about it. But
even then, in 1917, I'd seen plenty
of action. Even had a spell in the
Air Corp.
BIPPO
Seriously... I didn't ask!
FLASHBACK
INT. HOSPITAL WARD - 1917
Drew is in a ward full of injured soldiers, including
Lieutenant GEORGE.
DREW (V.O.)
When I shot the creature and it
scrapped me, we were both bleeding,
while we wrestled our blood mixed.
I didn't realize that at the time.
But as I walked on, I got weaker
and weaker, until finally, I
reached the surface, and only just
made it back to my trenches.
BIPPO (V.O.)
It's late… I'm really have to go.
DREW (V.O.)
The medics who found me rushed me
back to hospital, where I stayed
for a few days.
GEORGE
Tally ho, young private, and how
are you feeling today?
Drew stirs from his mild snooze, and looks at the idiot
standing opposite him with a huge grin.
GEORGE
What's the matter? Been gassed to
silence? Pity, I was looking
forward to some company after
Smithy was released and the captain
had left after finishing his job.
I'm supposed to be being discharged
myself later today.
BIPPO (V.O.)
Sort of like people who tell origin
stories to those who don't want to
hear them, he sounded annoying.
DREW (V.O.)
You don't know the half of it.
DREW
(not very friendly)
Good.
GEORGE
Oh you do talk, very good. Glad to
hear it. So what's you story, how
did you get here then? I broke my
arm during a shelling attack a few
weeks ago. Pity that, I've missed
out on three weeks of fighting the
Hun. The cap and Balders must
really have missed me you know. Or
they would have if they hadn't been
here doing their top secret spying
mission.
Drew can't stand being in this man's company. He's trying to
be diplomatic, but not with much luck. Everything George says
is just so unbelievable stupid.
DREW
Not as much as I won't.
GEORGE
Oh that's good to know, nice to
make new friends. So how did you
get here anyhow? Ought to be good
for my next letter to my Uncle in
Munich.
DREW
Munich? You write letters there?
Why?
GEORGE
Well it's to my Uncle, and family
is family even if there is a war
going on. You know, the cap was
here looking for a German spy, I
hope he's found him. Can't say I
saw anyone who looked German here.
DREW
What about your uncle?
GEORGE
Well, yes, but he's not around
here, he's in Germany, haven't seen
him since before the war. I wonder
where Nurse Mary is?
The young bed ridden Drew turns to the camera and starts
talking to it. After a while, George does the same, smiling
first, then a puzzled look takes over on his face since he
can't figure out what's going on here.
DREW
It was around then that the craving
hit me, I didn't understand why I
was feeling like that, or even what
the feeling was, but that
irritating sod was setting me off.
But I didn't get time to act on the
instinct.
GEORGE
I say, who are you talking to?
Drew turns to face George, tries to rise out of bed, then
collapses and dies. George looks at him in his usual over
friendly manner.
GEORGE
Oh, decided to get some sleep. Not
a bad idea I suppose with those
kinds of injuries. Well, tally ho,
pip, pip with a bing and a bang and
a buzz, buzz, buzz. I'm off for a
little walk until the doctors tell
me I can leave.
George leaves.
FADE TO:
THE HOSPITAL
Writing appears on screen. "AN HOUR LATER" George re-enters
and sees the ward doctor covering Drew's head over with a
blanket and shaking his head sadly.
GEORGE
Oh hello. Gosh, that is one awful
deep sleep he's in. Oh well, tell
me when he wakes up. I've got to go
to headquarters to talk to old
walrus face Melchett. I think the
captain is busy telling him who the
spy is. Gosh what fun that will be
to find out. Wonder if he's changed
his shirt yet?
DREW (V.O.)
I arose that night, in the morgue,
and feasted on the bodies of the
dead. You can imagine the surprise
that would have caused the morgue
technicians.
INT. MORGUE OFFICE
A TECHNICIAN bearing a strange resemblance to Liam Smith
hears some noises, and puts down a book "FRANKENSTEIN'S
MONSTER" and wanders into the morgue only to find several
mutilated bodies spread out all over the place. A hand pokes
him on his shoulder and he turns around to see a very
bloodstained -
DREW
Howdy.
TECHNICIAN
IT'S ALIVE!
The technician throws up a whole load of papers he was
carrying and faints. Drew looks at the man for a second,
shakes his head as if he's fighting something, and starts
draining more blood out of the corpses.
BIPPO (V.O.)
Sounds like that coming-back-to
life idea they used in that awful
Dr Who TV movie.
DREW (V.O.)
Don't remind me. Anywho, somehow,
simply by mingling our blood, I had
became a vampire.
And as far as I know, this is a
unique case of Vampirism in itself.
There is no recorded case of this
happening anywhere else, not even
Mr Hilter's books had anything on
it. Realising something had
happened to me, I ran, and hid out
in France, away from the war, until
I realized I was weak and needed
feeding. I tried my best to live on
animals for a while, but livestock
was well guarded and smaller
animals didn't get me as much
strength as I had hoped they would.
Besides, I still had my pride. And
there's no way I was going to eat
rats, of which there was a
plentiful amount, thankfully
someone else was using that
particular part of the food chain.
A montage of newspapers spin past with titles like: MYSTERY
COW SLAUGHTERS! CAVALRY HORSES MUTILATED! STRANGE CREATURE
SIGHTED: POSSIBLE MISSING LINK BETWEEN MAN AND BEAST?
A shot of a smiling BALDRICK holding a couple of Rats up for
the camera, while in the background, a hidden Drew tries not
to throw up.
BALDRICK
I cook them to an ancient family
recipe.
REPORTER
What is it?
BALDRICK
I don't know, I was never told it.
EXT. THE TRENCHES
Drew hides in a disused bunker in the German trenches.
DREW (V.O.)
Still feeling some loyalty to my
country, I hid out in no mans land,
and during the dark would prey on
German soldiers in their own lines.
I even found ways into No Man's
Land, and preyed on the dying and
dead. But as I continued like this,
I grew to realize there was one man
most directly to blame for my
situation.
EXT. BRITISH FIELD HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT TIME.
Drew is in hiding in some bushes as a car pulls up, the
driver gets out, walks past the bushes and is grabbed by Drew
and dragged in. There's a struggle and a loud snapping noise.
A few minutes later, Drew steps out dressed in the uniform
and walks into the headquarters and into an office section
and hands the drivers orders to a secretary.
SECRETARY
The general will be with you in a
minute.
The secretary walks off into another office, and a loud deep
voice makes a "BAAA!" noise. GENERAL MELCHETT walks in.
Almost identical to the other Melchett in all respects,
except obviously not the same person.
MELCHETT
Ah, corporal Black, just a short
back and sides and a trim of the
moustache today I thought.
SECRETARY
Uh no sir, this is Sergeant Blanc,
sir. He's your driver.
Melchett looks at his overcoat that he's wearing as if for
the first time.
MELCHETT
Oh, splendid, splendid. Well, let's
be orf then. Can't keep those
Frenchies waiting for their own
surrender and peace treaty signing.
The secretary and Drew swap expressions of disbelief.
SECRETARY
Uh no sir, it's the Germans who are
signing the treaty sir, at least
for now sir. The official signing
won't be for some time.
MELCHETT
Oh pish and tish, that's just the
official signing, this one's good
enough for me, end this war, even
though it's been as much fun as it
has for these past few years. Well
lets be orf then driver.
Melchett and a rather exasperated Drew leave.
DREW
Orf?
INT. MELCHETT'S CAR
Drew is driving at a rather unsafe speed, giving the amount
of bumps in the road, while Melchett is telling anecdotes
about himself.
MELCHETT
And to which I said to him the best
way to encourage your men to final
victory, was to yell, threaten and
intimidate them. But since then I
must admit that joking about with
the men, getting to know them as I
did with poor young George's Trench
section before their rather
unexpected deaths when the y
charged into No Mans Land, was good
for their morale. I guess sending
Captain Darling up there must have
really made Captain Blackadder's
day.
DREW
(under breath)
Pity you don't have a sense of
humour.
MELCHETT
I'm sorry, driver. Did you say
something?
DREW
(quickly changing the
subject)
I was wondering what you felt of
tactics sir?
MELCHETT
Well, I always agreed with Field
Marshal Haig, the best way to win
this war was simply to bombard the
enemy with shells, and then send
out several of our troops to attack
their trenches. Continuous attack
would wear the Hun down and
eventually catch them orf guard.
Would have worked sooner or later,
but the Hun proved yet again they
have no balls for long term war. Or
anything else, BAH!
DREW
Sir, their people were starving and
their economy was in ruins, and in
four years of trying the same
tactics by both sides, no one ever
managed to really win anything,
except maybe fourteen square inches
of mud.
MELCHETT
Wash your mouth out with soap, and
steal wool, soldier. Filthy Hun
weasels, using our tactics too.
BAAH! Make no mistake though
soldier, with their peoples will
broken, and their economy ruined,
they won't be trying another war
anytime soon.
DREW
At least not in your life time,
sir.
MELCHETT
What do you mean?
DREW
You know what they said about the
Titanic? Before it sank?
MELCHETT
That it was invincible? But it
sank, it clearly wasn't and I don't
see th-
DREW
Well Neither Are You!
EXT. THE ROAD
Melchett's car goes skidding out of control, through a hedge
at high speed and into a tree. Melchett screams in defiance
as his end approaches.
MELCHETT
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAH!!!
INT. CAR
Melchett's corpse is halfway through the windscreen, while
Drew is nowhere to be seen.
Melchett's ghost comes out of his body, and jumps down to the
ground, only to see a rather ghostly apparition in a black
robe. DEATH.
DEATH
GREETINGS GENERAL SIR ANTHONY CECIL
HOGMANAY MELCHETT.
MELCHETT
Good heavens, you could do with
some fattening up, eh? BAH!
DEATH
(sighs)
I ALWAYS GET THE CRAZIES. DO YOU
MIND NOT POKING ME IN MY BELLY?
MELCHETT
There's nothing there to poke. Is
that your spine?
(a beat)
So, I'm dead then?
DEATH
YES, GENERALLY IT TAKES LONGER FOR
MOST PEOPLE TO ACCEPT THAT, AND
CONSIDERING HOW THICK HEADED YOU
WERE IN LIFE, IT'S SURPRISING
YOU'VE CAUGHT ON SO QUICKLY.
MELCHETT
Well, yes, but I'm hardly in my
body now, am I? Therefore I can't
be thick headed anymore.
Death mulls that one over. Melchett definitely seems as
pompous as he was in life. Death turns around and sees a
surprised Drew come back down to earth in front of the car.
DREW
I can levitate?
DEATH
(to Melchett)
WHATEVER, I'M NOT GOING TO ARGUE
WITH THAT LOGIC.
MELCHETT
BAH!
DEATH
YES, QUITE.
DREW
Goodbye General, may you rot in
hell for all the deaths of the
soldiers you sent to their deaths
each week, using the same contrived
tactics each time, and for being
such a pain. Don't you ever shut
up? And come to think about it, do
you ever change your shirts? The
stench was unbearable. I'd prefer
mustard gas to your BO.
(a beat)
Oh and there was the matter of
sending me out on a suicide mission
that got me changed into a vampire
and condemning me to a live of
having to kill others to live.
Thanks a bunch pal.
Death ponders this as Drew walks off, away from the scene of
the crash.
DEATH
HMM, A VAMPIRE WHO SHOWS SOME SIGNS
OF REGRET. UNUSUAL, AND WORRYING
SINCE HE'S FOUND OUT ABOUT AT LEAST
ONE OF HIS POWERS WITHOUT HELP FROM
A SIRE. I'D BETTER KEEP MY EYE ON
HIM, HE COULD BE DANGEROUS.
(to Melchett)
WELL, LET'S BE ORF THEN.
MELCHETT
BAAAAH!
INT. CLUB - THE PRESENT
Drew is lost in thought telling his story. Bippo is readying
a noose for himself in the background.
DREW
You know, the last time I was in
this club, something really weird
happened as well.
FADE TO:
A HUGE PARTY
It's the sixties, and a whole load of Austin Powers style
swingers are celebrating nothing in particular.
Drew stands out a mile in the party atmosphere, dressed in
sixties versions of his usual kind of attire, black jeans,
black t-shirt and a black leather coat, he's sporting a full
goatee and is looking at everyone with an air of distaste. A
woman approaches him, dressed like everyone else is,
horribly.
DREW
You call this dancing? Whatever
happened to the foxtrot?
HAVANA
Hi, I'm Havana.
FANGTASIC
Drew, Drew Fangtastic.
HAVANA
I dare say you are.
DREW
Didn't catch that last name?
HAVANA
Thought you said it was Fangtastic?
DREW
I meant your last name? Havana?
HAVANA
Goodtime, Havana Goodtime.
DREW
Yeah, well I'm not.
HAVANA
I'll have to see what I can do
about that.
DREW (V.O.)
I've always had an aversion to
Bimbos, something about them makes
me feel sick to the core, but there
was something about this girl,
something that got my senses
running. So I kept talking nicely
instead of annoying her as I
normally would have done.
DREW
I've heard that name before. Are
you the owner of the highly
successful Soho, London adult
literature publishers of the same
name-
(looks off screen)
or the distraction for the hit man
with the M16 over there?
HAVANA
(giggling)
Both.
DREW
Ah, a moonlighter.
HAVANA
I - what?
The hitman -who bares an uncanny likeness to Thad- lets lose
with a volley of machine gun fired death, all aimed at Drew
who bravely grabs Havana and holds her in front of him to
take every single shot. Strangely, she is still alive.
HAVANA
Ouch, damn that hurt.
DREW
(He drops her from shock.)
Your still alive?
HAVANA
Ouch, you square, why did you have
to do that?
DREW
Drop you like a sack of potatoes,
or make you take every single
bullet?
HAVANA
Both, ya dick.
DREW
Well, I didn't feel like ruining my
suit, I like this suit and I hate
getting shot.
HAVANA
Yeah, it's not too pleasant when
you think about it.
It's one of those things I hope to
never go through ever AGAIN!
The hitman reloads and fires off another burst, Drew grabs
Havana and uses her as a shield yet again. Havana is getting
sick of this. As he drops her again, she's still alive and is
showing no signs of dying.
HAVANA
OW! DAMNIT IT! IDIOT!
(a beat)
Conventional weapons won't stop
him, if you must try to take him
out, use a rocket launcher or
something.
The hitman grabs a rocket launcher and fires a shot off.
Again it nails Havana in the lower back since Drew's picked
her up let again. Drew takes a look at it.
DREW
This isn't how I'd normally pick up
women you know, I - It's firing
wooden stakes?
(A beat)
Then you know that I'm a - ?
HAVANA
Yes, of course I do. They just
needed to get you weakened up
first, that's why their using
bullets to slow you down. Fire
again. A standard shell, and this
time hit him you moron.
The hitman fires another shell, which hits Havana in her back
yet again, or rather bounces off the stake and lands at her
feet. A look of horror crosses Drew and Havana's faces, then
it explodes, sending them both out of the window, hurtling
towards the ground, screaming.
DREW
WHY WON'T YOU DIE?
HAVANA
WHY WON'T YOU?
DREW
I HAVEN'T BEEN HIT YET!
HAVANA
THAT WON'T BE MUCH OF A PROBLEM
WITH THE IMPACT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
ON THE SIDEWALK!
Drew pushes her in front of him and they hit the ground,
Havana taking the impact. She's still alive. The hitman looks
out of the window and groans as he sees Drew still up and
about. Drew looks at Havana now flat face.
DREW
Anyone order a pizza?
HAVANA
Damn you, Drew Fangtastic. I'll
find you someday, and make you pay
for all this pain you've put me
through.
DREW
Sure, once you've recovered from
all those compound fractures,
internal bleeding and the loss of
blood. Your going to need major
surgery to recover from all of
this, so I really hope for your
sake you have good life insurance.
Say, maybe I can help you out.
Drew removes the stake from her back, and throws it upwards,
hard. We hear a muffled scream, and the hitman comes back
down to earth, landing on Havana, who screams.
DREW
Oooops.
INT. THE BAR
As before, Drew is lost in thought from his story.
DREW
Well, okay… A lot of that I saw in
some movie once, but give me a
break! It WAS thirty years ago!
Well, I guess you're tired of me
rattling on about my origins, eh
Bippo?
Drew looks over at Bippo who has a somber look on his face
and a gun to his head. Bippo nods yes.
DREW
All right then, let's go shall we?
EXT. THE LAS VEGA STRIP
Drew and Bippo are walking down the street, Ignoring the
hookers and pimps for once.
Then something stirs Drew, something that shakes him to the
centre of his soul. He looks behind him, then starts to run
away, leaving a confused Bippo behind.
VOICE
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Drew looks around the street, trying to find who said that.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Drew is running for his life as a crazy man in his mid
fifties goes after him with a chainsaw, bellowing as he does.
They run past Bippo again as he approaches someone. It's the
descendent of Melchett, his great nephew, Melchett from
earlier in the nightclub.
MELCHETT
Come back here and die like a man,
or as best as you can, monster.
BAAH!!
DREW
Get lost walrus features. And
change your shirt while your at it,
you stink as bad as your ancestor.
MELCHETT
BAAAAAH!!
They both run past Bippo, armed with a blood soaked knife,
standing over a blood soaked body.
BIPPO
This town is getting too weird for
my liking.
(a beat)
Oh who am I kidding?
(throws arms up in air)
I LOVE THIS TOWN!
Melchett runs madly after Drew as he enters a strangely
familiar and very run down looking building. The camera pans
up to reveal the name of the building is "WITHOUTTA PADDLE".
INT. WITHOUTADA PADDLE APARTMENTS
Drew runs downstairs into the boiler room, Melchett hot on
his trail. Drew runs down a narrow corridor full of pipes and
very dodgy looking loose wiring. Melchett comes after him,
waving the chainsaw about wildly, cutting through a few wires
and damaging a gas pipe.
DREW
Damnit, calm down, or you'll have
the whole building up in flames.
MELCHETT
Never. I won't rest until your
dead, you'll pay for killing my
ancestor, and sending all those
insulting notes to our family with
a picture of a walrus wearing a
dirty shirt that you've been
sending for years ever since.
DREW
What? I've never sent anyone any
such cards.
MELCHETT
Really? Oh, well maybe we can
forget the last charge, but the
murder of a Melchett must be repaid
with blood. Yours specifically.
DREW
My blood? None of this is actually
mine you know, there is a reason
we're called bloodsuckers.
MELCHETT runs at Drew, chainsaw revving at max, unfortunately
some of the wiring gets caught around his feet and trips him
up, sending his chainsaw up in the air into a badly placed
light attachment. Sparks go everywhere as it explodes, some
of the sparks obey the universal law of predicaments -also
known as "Sod's law"-, and strike the damaged gas pipe,
igniting the whole room and hitting Melchett full on his back
with an outburst of flames.
MELCHETT
BAAAAAAAAH!!!
DREW
DEAR GOD!
MELCHETT
ARRGH! I'm burning. Damn you to
hell, Fangtastic.
DREW
Been there, done that, got the t
shirt.
MELCHETT
I'm taking you with me.
Melchett grabs for Drew, the whole room is ignited further as
he makes his kamikaze move. Drew dodges the first dive
Melchett makes, but gets caught on fire himself. Melchett
makes a successful grab and pulls him down on the floor,
climbing on top of him. Drew punches him off.
DREW
Sorry, don't believe in doing
anything kinky on the first date.
MELCHETT
Damn your eyes, impertinent child.
DREW
Hey, I'm over a hundred years old
pal, you're the child here.
A woman's scream is heard from above. Melchett takes off his
overcoat and looks at it before dropping it to the ground.
DREW
Damn, the fire must have spread.
Melchett you idiot, in your
bloodlust you've sentenced the
occupants of this paper thin
walled, death trap of an apartment
block to a fiery death. And those
that survive will be homeless.
MELCHETT
What have I done? What have I done?
I've ruined a perfectly good coat
that I'm wearing, and lost my
favorite chainsaw.
DREW
(unable to believe
Melchett's lack of
concern for anyone else)
You've really got issues, you know
that? Now let's see if we can get
them out of here
MELCHETT
Damn these people, it's a run down
hell hole, and we're most likely
doing them a favour by destroying
it and them.
DREW
Your whole family must be like
this, eh? Single minded idiots.
I'd heard the aristocracy was
inbred, but you take the biscuit.
Or is the aristocracy a biscuit and
that takes the inbreeding? Oh I
just don't care anymore.
Drew grabs Melchett and levitates out of the corridor until
they're in a clear part of the building where he puts him
down. Melchett runs off into the night.
DREW
What about the people in here? Have
you no conscious?
MELCHETT
People be damned. There's plenty
more of them. Their like bacteria
in a way. Always multiplying.
DREW
That was the generals attitude to
his soldiers as well. It's also
what I think of Boybands. Oh well,
that's another lesson of the past
that went unlearned.
EXT. WITHOUTADA PADDLE APARTMENT
Melchett runs out into the street and hails a taxi. As he
pulls away Drew levitates out of the building with a woman in
his arms while the fire team, police and ambulance arrive.
Photographers start snapping pictures of Drew as he hands the
woman over to the paramedics. POLICE CHIEF PIGGY approaches
him. Bippo is hanging about the scene smiling.
POLICE CHIEF PIGGY
Okay folks, nothing to see here,
nothing to see. Go home.
(to Drew)
Now sir, you rescued the woman from
the building, did you see how it
started?
(he looks around where
Drew was)
Sir? Where'd he go?
BIPPO
I saw it officer, he flew upwards,
towards the cemetery.
PIGGY
Oh sure, what do you take me for?
An idiot?
(cleans ear with his gun)
No one can fly, except Capeman, and
that wasn't Capeman. Or was that
Capeman minus his tights?
OFFICER
No, it wasn't him. I remember the
time Capeman forgot his tights.
PIGGY
Oh yeah, the girls at the station
couldn't stop talking about that
incident.
(a beat)
Neither could Julian. Very strange
man that one. Not as strange as the
time he and Nightflyer got their
tights mixed up though. Julian has
pictures of that up on his desk
still.
BIPPO
Well that couldn't have been
Capeman, Capeman charges for
everything he does.
PIGGY
And he's about six inches too
small. Hmm, then the question is,
who was that long haired, pale
skinned man in the dark clothing?
Come on people, nothing to see
here.
(he turns around)
Woah, a burning building. Come on
people, don't be scared take a
look.
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Bippo has arrived back at the apartment building, Liam is
just coming out of there as Drew staggers up to them and
collapses from exhaustion. Liam helps Drew into the apartment
block, it's clear the night has taken a heavy toll on him.
Arturo rounds a corner and helps them in.
INT. ARTURO's APARTMENT
Liam and Stacy are now also present.
LIAM
Isn't there a hospital or something
we could take him to?
STACY
So they can do what? Try to revive
him with CPR? He's a vampire, he's
dead, he's even been to hell to
confirm that after getting staked.
ARTURO
Mr Fangtastic, just how did you end
up in hell anyhow? You don't seem
to be evil, in fact you've done
some considerably good things in
your life.
DREW
Well, someday I'll tell you, let's
just say that I know what's it like
to have a hunter after you.
(a beat)
It was a battle to the death, for
me I just wanted to get away from
them. But in the end, the big black
guy with the big sword, and the
small white girl with a thing for
repeatable kicking people nearly
twice her size in the head got to
me in the end.
(a beat)
But that's another story.
LIAM
Oh come on, you can't leave us
hanging on like that.
DREW
(darkly)
Watch me.
EXT. THE GRAVEYARD
Bippo and Liam help Drew to his tomb door. Liam is talking to
him all the way, Drew is ignoring him.
LIAM
So, you going to be alright? Drew?
Drew? You okay there? Drew?
Drew goes in and closes the door. Liam and Bippo turn round,
shrug and head off.
LIAM
How rude. Bippo, he's taken a
liking to you, he talks to you.
You any idea what he gets up to in
there?
BIPPO
Who knows? It's not like he's got a
big Bat Cave under there, now is
it?
LIAM
Yeah, and a huge variety of
equipment to battle evil with.
BIPPO
Or a huge army to fight Satan with.
LIAM
Or some way of sneaking into hell
itself, or better yet visiting
other dimensions.
BIPPO
Or planets?
They head off, laughing as they go.
EXT. GRAVEYARD OVERHEAD SHOT
The camera zooms into a grave stone. The camera POV goes into
the grave itself and then into the ground, eventually going
into a huge cavern, covered in walk ways and artificial
computer pits, all manned by people in leather. To one side,
and taking up most of one wall, is a huge circular gateway,
much like a StarGate. It opens up and a team of people
dressed head to toe in camouflage come out, armed to the
teeth. Drew shows up inside an elevator and steps out.
Clearly he is the boss. A small group approaches him and help
him to a medical unit. Anna rushes out to help him when she
sees him.
ANNA
DREW! What happened? Did you deal
with the future?
(a beat)
Whatever you actually meant by
that. It's not like you tell me
anything that's going on here.
DREW
Anna, sometime your going to have
to tell me, jut how and why Rymer
made you a vampire, because I'm
going to tell you how I became one.
ANNA
Do you have to?
DREW
Yes… put the stake down.
Anna drops a stake and a hammer and sits on the floor in
defeat.
ANNA
Dammit. I hate this stuff.
THE END
ROLL CREDITS