THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
SEASON PREMIER
Episode 3.01 - "Out of the Frying Pan..."
Written by Jason Donner
PREVIOUSLY ON THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
---
Episode 2.27 - "Tomorrow is Yesterday or Something"
---
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
LIAM
Stacy... Would you do me the great
honor of being my bride?
Stacy is silent.
LIAM
That means, "Will you marry me"?
STACY
I was NOT expecting this.
LIAM
Neither was I, isn't it great?
STACY
Yes, Liam. I will marry you!
---
Episode 2.34 - "Much Ado About Knotting"
---
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
LIAM
Capeman quit? Why?
DONNER
I dunno... I guess the greedy SOB
didn't like giving me a cut of his
take and he's going to go freelance
now. He's been acting all funny
ever since MIR landed on him.
---
INT. HELL
SATAN
Over the last few months, I've been
in contact with... Something.
SCRAPPY
Something?
SATAN
Something ancient... Evil... Older
than hell.
SCRAPPY
What is it?
SATAN
It's some vestige of evil that
existed before I became the fallen
one... It's pure evil so old that
it's true origin has been lost to
the ravages of time.
SCRAPPY
And... YOU fear it?
SATAN
At first, but now that I understand
what it is... I'm going to use it.
---
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
CAPEMAN
Professor?
ARTURO
Yes?
CAPEMAN
I finally know... I understand
everything! The cloud is lifted.
---
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
ELVIS
I now pronounce you man and w--
VOICE
STOP!!!
Everyone turns around to see a woman in her fifties standing
at the front door.
LIAM
(whispers)
Oh... My... God!
DONNER
What? What is it? Who is she?
Want her ass kicked? I'll hire it
done!
LIAM
That's... That woman is my MOTHER!
---
LIAM'S MOTHER makes her way down the aisle. She is clearly
emotional at the reunion.
LIAM'S MOTHER
Oh, my baby! I had to come! I
couldn't stand the fact that my
child was getting married and I
wasn't here for it. Well, mommy's
here and she's isn't leaving you
again.
Liam's mother takes Stacy by the hand.
LIAM'S MOTHER
My darling daughter.
LIAM
WHAT!?
BIPPO
Waaaaaaaait a minute... If Stacy is
your daughter...
LIAM
...and SHE's my mother...
Liam's Mother looks shocked as she looks at Liam obviously
unsure who he is.
THAD
...then that means...
STACY
...we're...
LIAM
Oh... DAMMIT!!!
---
AND NOW THE CONTINUATION...
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
We have an extreme close-up of the picture of BABY LIAM, HIS
FATHER, and HIS MOTHER on the wall. The camera pulls back as
we hear sobbing and sniffling. Finally, we see STACY looking
at the picture and crying.
STACY
(crying)
I must have seen this picture a
hundred times, but never took a
good enough look at it.
She turns around we sees LIAM SMITH and his long lost mother,
HOLLY.
HOLLY
I still can't believe any of this.
LIAM
YOU can't believe any of this!?
I'm about to get married to the
girl of my dreams only to find out
she's my sister!
HOLLY
Half sister.
LIAM
Whatever! Thank GOD Stacy was so
gung-ho against sex before marriage
otherwise I never would have heard
the end of this!
HOLLY
Liam...
LIAM
I would've had to move to Arkansas
and change my name to Jim Bob Nedd
and start listening to Hank
Williams.
HOLLY
Liam...
LIAM
...would've started making tourists
squeal like pigs or something.
HOLLY
Liam... I'm sorry.
LIAM
You're sorry? Oh, well I guess
that makes everything so much
better. You're sorry now
everything can go back to the way
they were. What a load of crap.
HOLLY
Stacy, sweetie, could you leave us
alone for a minute.
Stacy, still crying, nods and walks past Liam. The two don't
even look at each other. Liam and Holly are alone.
HOLLY
Liam... You've grown into quite a
handsome young man. Bet you're
kind and gentle and...
LIAM
Oh, how would you know? You
haven't even been around.
HOLLY
(hurt)
Well, I'm here now.
LIAM
By accident.
HOLLY
True, but...
LIAM
I've been looking for you all my
life and the second that I find
you, you ruin it!
HOLLY
I didn't mean...
LIAM
Look, I really can't deal with this
now, okay? I mean, I've just had
my life wrecked, my hopes for the
future dashed, and everytime I walk
down the street there's always
someone behind me humming to
"dueling banjos".
HOLLY
Liam...
LIAM
I'm going to walk out that door and
think about some stuff, but before
I go I want to know one thing.
HOLLY
What?
LIAM
Why? Why did you abandon me?
HOLLY
Liam... You're a special child...
LIAM
Don't dance around the question.
HOLLY
I'm not. For some reason, the day
I became pregnant with you, your
father and I became the target for
assassins. After you were born, we
found out that it's wasn't us they
were going after, but you...
LIAM
Me? Why?
HOLLY
Don't know. They tried everything
to kill you, but you were protected
by the best luck I've ever seen.
Still, we knew that it wouldn't be
enough to protect you so, we gave
you up.
LIAM
What?
HOLLY
We dropped you off in an orphanage
and made it look like you had
burned to death in a house fire.
We knew that the only way to
protect you from the dark forces
looking for you, was to make it
look like you were dead and...
Never see you again.
LIAM
I had no idea. And... Dad?
HOLLY
The strain was too much for us. We
separated... Stacy, a child from a
previous marriage of mine, went
with me and I married the man she
calls her father. He passed away a
few years later.
Liam is stunned at this. He walks into the kitchen. The
camera follows him.
LIAM
The assassins? Who were they?
HOLLY
We don't know. We never found out.
We knew that the only way to keep
you safe was to never let them see
us with you.
LIAM
But, if the assassins were after me
as a baby, maybe their still after
me and that would mean that you
shouldn't be here now.
A beat.
LIAM
Mom?
A beat.
LIAM
Mom? Wh--
Liam walks back into the living room. Holly is gone. Liam
is alone yet again.
LIAM
Mom?
FADE TO:
INT. HELL - SATAN'S THRONEROOM
SATAN is watching Liam on a big screen TV. He turns to a
nearby DEMON.
SATAN
Hmmm... Remember that baby I
commanded you to destroy a couple
decades back?
DEMON
Yes, master?
Satan walks over to the TV and runs one of his talons across
Liam's image.
SATAN
You'll never guess who he grew up
to be.
He laughs and pokes his talon THROUGH the TV screen.
SATAN
Found you!
FADE OUT:
---
THEME SONG (Sung to the Theme of "All in the Family")
Summer lasts forever and a day,
from now until the end of May.
But now we're rested and ready to play.
The season premire's today.
It's the last season of this show,
'Bout fourty more episodes then no mo'.
Just wanna end it before it gets old.
And now it's the Liam Smith SHOOOOOOW!!!
Olé!
---
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
ALSO STARRING
Mike Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
John Goodman
as
"Elvis"
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
David Peckinpah
as
"Satan"
and
Academy Award Winner, Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR
Della Reese
as
Madame Dyna
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - A FEW DAYS LATER
THAD, BIPPO, ARTURO, DONNER, ELVIS, and Liam are there.
THAD
Still no word?
LIAM
No. It's like she disappeared from
the face of the Earth... Again.
And Stacy isn't even speaking to
me. She's probably humiliated.
God, I had so many questions and
now she's gone again!
BIPPO
Tough break, man... Reminds me of
the time that I told my parents I
was going to clown school. They
were so supportive of my decision
and I like to think that it turned
me into the man I am today.
LIAM
How does that relate?
BIPPO
It doesn't... At least in no way I
can figure. Why'd you bring it up
for, stupid?
ARTURO
Whatever her reasons, my boy, I'm
sure they were important.
LIAM
It's just so much to take in. I
feel like I'm going to develop an
ulcer or my hair's going to fall
out or I'm going to get all bloated
and moody.
DONNER
What? Become like the professor?
Well, we can't have that now, can
we?
ARTURO
WHAT!? Well, I NEVER!!!
DONNER
Exercise? It shows. Now, let's
talk about something more
important... Namely me! Do you
know that Capeman's cancelled
almost all of his endorsements and
action figure deals? Something
about the companies employing
underaged children in Somalia or
something, but the way I see it,
work takes their minds off of
starving.
ARTURO
Your lack of compassion knows no
bounds.
DONNER
Yeah, amazing isn't it?
ELVIS
So Capeman quit and generally hates
you and stuff. Yeah, when you
suddenly and inexplicably develop a
sense of decency, that happens.
What are you going to do now?
DONNER
I've been investing in several key
stocks most notably, dot-coms. I
think they're about to make a
comeback!
Lighting flashes in the background. Donner looks, but
shrugs.
BIPPO
Dizzam, people! The stress levels
in this room are cramping my libido
If it wasn't for my serene
restraint, I might be a tetch
testy!
Bippo sees a fly on the opposite wall and shoots it with a
9mm.
BIPPO
Heh... I said "teste".
ARTURO
These are trying times.
ELVIS
Yeah.
A long pause.
DONNER
Aw, hell... ALL RIGHT! Enough with
the moping and the trying times and
the shooting of insects and stuff!
I'm taking all of you to the
Bahamas!
Everyone looks at Donner.
ELVIS
Why?
DONNER
Well, it was going to be Liam and
Stacy's wedding gift from me but
since they're not getting married
on account that their half-siblings
which I think is really gross and
stuff...
THAD
You're seriously taking us all to
the Bahamas? Even me?
DONNER
Well, as long as your vaccinated
against all canine diseases, I
think you'll be good to go.
Thad gets pissed and goes for his patch. Bippo catches his
hand.
BIPPO
No! Kill him AFTER we're there!
THAD
Good point!
DONNER
So, what do you say? Speak fast
before I renig the offer out of
greed and spite because I do deep
down hate all of you for the
meaningful relationships you have
and rich full lives you live.
LIAM
Oh, what the hell... BAHAMAS, HERE
WE COME!!!
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Liam, Donner, Bippo, Thad, Arturo, and Elvis carry luggage to
the awaiting pick-up truck.
LIAM
BAHAMAS, HERE WE COME!!!
EXT. LAS VEGAS - A BUSY HIGHWAY
Liam, Donner, Thad, Arturo, Elvis, and Bippo are stuck in
traffic.
LIAM
BAHAMAS, HERE WE--
EVERYONE
Oh, SHUT UP!
FADE TO:
EXT. THE BAHAMAS - AERIAL SHOT
The beautiful islands can be seen below in the clear blue
water.
INT. NASSAU AIRPORT
Liam, Thad, Elvis, Bippo, Donner, and the professor disembark
the plane and enter the airport.
DONNER
Wow, it's humid here! This is
going to be murder on my hair.
LIAM
Wow! I can't believe that we're in
the Bahamas! Four-thousand miles
away from almost all of my problems
and pain!
ARTURO
What do you mean "almost" all?
LIAM
Well, you guys are here.
Everyone looks at Liam.
ELVIS
And just what do you mean by that?
LIAM
No offense, guys... But some of you
are pains.
DONNER
Now, now, now... Everyone... Give
Liam a little leeway. After all,
the little c-(bleep!)-ksucker has
been through quite a bit. Let's
just get on the bus and go to the
hotel.
THAD
I'll meet you guys there. I'm
going to catch a bus and go to the
straw markets and get me some of
them duty-free souvenirs.
BIPPO
Yeah, I like it when stuff I buy is
dooty-free... Especially food
products. I'll go with you,
Muttly.
Thad and Bippo walk off.
DONNER
Morons.
ARTURO
Well, I'm absolutely exhausted.
Shall we go to our hotel?
DONNER
Yeah, but I have to warn you...
It's not as nice as I'm used to.
INT. A HOTEL
Liam enters and flips on a light switch. Thousands of
cockroaches scurry out of the light as Liam gazes upon the
travesty that is his excuse for a room. He walks over to a
window and opens it revealing a brick wall.
LIAM
Oh well, at least the island is
beautiful. Yep, this is truly
paradise.
He turns and we see a mosquito the size of a small cat
resting on his shoulder sucking blood out of his neck.
LIAM
(annoyed, to the mosquito)
Aren't you done yet?
The mosquito flies off. The phone rings. Liam answers it.
LIAM
Hello?
DONNER
(over phone)
Get your room?
LIAM
Yeah.
DONNER
(over phone)
What'd you think?
LIAM
Well, I've got to admit that I am a
little disappointed.
DONNER
(over phone)
Well, you wanna see something
pathetic. Come take a gander at MY
room!
INT. DONNER'S ROOM
Donner and Liam are standing in the middle on an extravagant
suit. There are songbirds, a wet bar, a hot tub, a large
vibrating bed, and huge aquarium where small blue sharks are
swimming.
DONNER
(points to aquarium)
I said TIGER SHARKS!!! Sometimes I
don't even know why I bother. So,
how are you enjoying de islands?
LIAM
Oh, their great. It's so peaceful
here and everyone's so friendly...
Well, except for the visiting
Americans, but they're all
assholes.
DONNER
Yeah, I have plans to buy my own
island out here and call it Saint
Honky.
LIAM
Boy, that would be nice, huh? Not
having to worry about coming home
to anything... Just staying out
here and soaking in the sun and
surf.
Arturo enters wearing a pair of swim trunks.
ARTURO
Fabulous idea, my boy! Care to
join me on the beach? I plan to
get a tan!
DONNER
Asking a lot of the sun, aren't
you?
ARTURO
Hah! Any other day that comment
would have made me lash out in
anger and fury, but there's
something about this place that
just makes me so mellow... So
peaceful.
DONNER
(disappointed)
Well, there goes my potential for
enjoyment. The day I can't tear
down my fellow man to make myself
look big is a sad day indeed.
ARTURO
We'll light a candle for you.
Coming Liam?
LIAM
Sure!
They exit. One of the sharks in the tank swims by, does a
backflip and chirps like a dolphin.
DONNER
Oh, stop showing off!
EXT. THE STRAW MARKET
Thad and Bippo make their way through the crowded market.
Bippo is reading a pamphlet.
BIPPO
Wow, it says here that the vendors
in the Straw Market lease their
spaces for a dollar a day and
usually don't vacate them until the
day they die. I wonder how much
free space I can scare up while I'm
here.
THAD
Get those thoughts out of your
mind, Bippo... I mean, I'm a
werewolf and if I can control
myself then you can too.
BIPPO
I'm just kidding, Lassie. No, I
shall leave the peaceful people of
this fair island alone and that is
my solemn vow.
A little kid bumps into Bippo.
BIPPO
I'LL KILL YOU!!! I mean, watch it
there, bucko.
LITTLE BOY
Oh, sorry sir, but I wanted to see
if you wanted to buy a reed flute.
He holds up a box full of homemade reed flutes.
THAD
I don't know... I can't play the
flute.
BIPPO
Oh, where's you sense of adventure?
Bippo hands the kid some money.
BIPPO
Give me two. One for me and one
for killer, here.
A woman walks up to them she is DYNA.
DYNA
Oh, chile, you can't be happy wit'
dose little t'ings
LIAM
Dis is my momma.
DYNA
Dyna, at your service.
She tousles Thad's hair.
DYNA
Oh, such a handsome young man!
Such a good looker deserves an
instrument of higha' quality. Take
dis one.
She hands Thad a hand carved wooden flute adorned in ribbon.
THAD
It's beautiful, but I can't afford
it.
BIPPO
What do you mean? I know that you
brought six hundred bucks with you!
Every vendor in the market stops, grows deadly silent, and
all of the Vendors look at Thad licking their lips.
DYNA
Take it, chile. Consider it a gift
from me to you.
THAD
Oh, well... I appreciate it. Let
me give you something for it...
DYNA
No, chile. You take and make ol'
Dyna happy. Maybe in de next life
you can do something nice for me,
No?
THAD
No. I Mean, yes. I Mean... Well,
all right. Are you sure?
DYNA
Take and be happy. It does me ol'
heart good.
THAD
Well, thank you very much.
Dyna and the little boy walk away.
THAD
Well, that was nice of her.
There is a small commotion and Bippo and Thad look up and see
the vendors of the market closing in on them holding their
merchandise.
BIPPO
Uh-oh... The vendors know you have
money! They've got the scent of
your blood, my man.
THAD
What? Oh... Don't worry about it.
If they try to sell me something I
don't want, I'll just politely say
no and walk away.
EXT. THE HOTEL
Liam and the Professor are on the beach sipping drinks with
those little umbrellas in them. Thad and Bippo walk by with
enormous armloads of junk from the markets.
THAD
I'm such a weakling.
BIPPO
"Pussy" is the word I'd use.
They walk past Liam and the professor who pay them no notice.
ARTURO
I could ask, but why bother getting
involved?
LIAM
Amen, professor.
EXT. NASSAU TOWN
Donner and Elvis are boarding a boat in the harbor. The
BOATMAN is helping people on board and A MUSICIAN is playing
a song on a guitar for the passengers. In the background, we
see several large CRUISE SHIPS.
BOATMAN
(calls out)
All aboard for Paradise Island!
ELVIS
(to Donner, pointing to
cruise ships)
Wow, take a look at those boats!
DONNER
You'll be able to get a better look
at them later. We're going to take
one around the Caribbean in a few
days.
ELVIS
Wow, you rule man.
DONNER
I know and it's so good of you to
admit that.
ELVIS
Such a beautiful view.
DONNER
Yeah. You know, it's funny but
this sort of reminds me of those
special TV show episodes where the
cast goes on vacation to, like,
Disneyland or something and get
into trouble. Sort of like the
Seavers going to Hawaii or the
Bundys going to London, and the
Bradys going to the Grand Canyon.
ELVIS
God, I hate those episodes.
DONNER
Me too.
The camera pivots over to the musician.
MUSICIAN
(singing, finishing up)
My ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling... I
want you to play with my ding-a
ling!
Everyone applauds.
DONNER
I've heard better.
MUSICIAN
Tank you very much, you are all so
kind. I wish you a pleasant
journey and a safe trip to your
homes. Now, before I leave I ask
of you one favor. I am not
employed by dis boat, and I make my
livin' from tips from you kind
people, so if you don't mind...
He begins passing around a hat for everyone and the
passengers gladly put in money for him. The hat comes to
Donner.
ELVIS
Well?
DONNER
Well, what?
ELVIS
Aren't you going to give him
anything?
DONNER
Like what?
ELVIS
Like a tip?
DONNER
(to musician)
Oh, you want a tip?
MUSICIAN
Yes sir, if you don't mind.
DONNER
Okay, how about this for a tip.
Never pet a burning dog, how's
that? Keep the change!
The musician takes the hat and storms off.
ELVIS
That was rude!
DONNER
Oh, come on! I've been to the
Bahamas before and these natives
are all masters of getting their
hands on your money. Oh, give me
this! Give me that! My children
are starving! Well, I decided this
time that I'm not going to give in!
ELVIS
You're a bastard, you know that?
DONNER
Yeah? And you're fat.
EXT. NASSAU TOWN
The musician walks through the street and into a small hut in
the straw market. The camera centers on the sign on the
door: MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXERS
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXERS
The Musician enters.
MUSICIAN
Madame Dyna!?
Dyan enters with the little boy.
DYNA
Yes, can I help you?
MUSICIAN
I know dat you practice Sandria.
DYNA
I have no idea what you're talking
about, now get outta here before--
MUSICIAN
You practice the forbidden black
arts.
DYNA
GET OUT!
MUSICIAN
Oh, don't worry about me, Dyna.
I'm not going to report you, I want
to hire you.
DYNA
Go on.
MUSICIAN
There is this man, Jason Donner...
Every year he comes here and every
year he stiffs me on my tip. I
want you to place a spell on him.
DYNA
I don't have dee time.
MUSICIAN
Just a little spell... Make his
hair fall out or give him boils or
something! I pay you!
He gives her a hundred dollar bill.
DYNA
Ah, well... Dat is different, isn't
it? I am pressed for time, so I
will cast a spell of bad luck. I
need a personal object of his.
The musician holds up his shoe.
DYNA
That's yours.
MUSICIAN
He spit on it.
DYNA
That'll do.
Dyna takes the shoe and drops it in a cauldron.
DYNA
Cumbawumba tito jermane latoya woo
tang clan!
The caldron explodes in light.
DYNA
It is done.
MUSICIAN
What did you do, you crazy witch!?
DYNA
I cast the spell of ill fate. Dis
man you despise will have poor luck
until his heart turns pure or until
he dies... Whichever comes first.
Here is your five year or 2000
curse guarantee.
She gives him a rolled up paper.
MUSICIAN
How do I know it's going to work?
EXT. THE BOAT
Donner and Elvis are underway to Paradise Island. Suddenly,
a bird craps on Donner's shoulder.
DONNER
Oh, man! Would you look at that!?
More poop falls on his other shoulder.
DONNER
What the--?
Poop begins to shower from the sky. Donner dives underneath
the bench.
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXERS
As before.
DYNA
Trust me. Now go. Madame Dyna has
work tah do.
The musician leaves.
DYNA
Good... Now I can begin.
INT. THE HOTEL - NIGHT
Arturo and Liam are at the bar.
LIAM
This has been the best vacation
I've ever taken.
ARTURO
Me too. A few years ago, I took a
trip to Hawaii, but that's nothing
compared to this. How about you?
LIAM
Oh, I didn't get to do much at the
orphanage... Once we went to the
laundromat and then there was that
time I got to go outside. Oh, and
once I saw a blimp!
Arturo looks at him.
ARTURO
(changing subject)
Oh, look! Here comes Thad and
Bippo!
Thad and Bippo enter.
LIAM
How are you enjoying this place,
guys?
THAD
It's terrible! We've been here six
hours and I'm already broke and
have five suitcases full of useless
crap!
BIPPO
And I haven't found a single cat on
this entire island! All I could
find was this stupid looking guinea
pig thing.
ARTURO
Yes, it's called a hutia.
BIPPO
Well, whatever it's called it's
stupid! It just sat there and
squeaked quietly as it was lowered
into the shark cage! No fight, no
screams, no nothing!
LIAM
What? Was it part of a show?
Bippo gives them a "Oops, I've been caught!" look.
BIPPO
Uh... Yeah! A show!
Elvis and Donner enter. Donner looks like he's been through
a blender.
ARTURO
Donner, what hap--?
DONNER
Don't ask.
THAD
Do I smell birdsh--?
DONNER
DON'T!!!
Donner stomps off.
ELVIS
Poor guy's had a bad day, not that
I feel sorry for him, 'cause he is
a dick. So, professor... How's
life on dee islands treating you?
ARTURO
Fine except for...
ELVIS
What?
ARTURO
Nothing.
ELVIS
What happened?
LIAM
Greenpeace came by and tried to
shove him into the ocean.
THAD
HA!
ARTURO
It's not funny.
LIAM
Well, that is what you get for chum
out of the fisherman's bucket.
ARTURO
I thought is was just really salty
meat!
THAD
Well, I'm going to turn in for the
night. I've got scuba lessons
tomorrow on the reef.
BIPPO
Steer clear of the dogfish!
THAD
Har, har. Hopefully tomorrow will
be better than today.
Thad exits.
INT. THAD'S ROOM
Thad enters and walks into the bathroom, having to kick
several piles of junk out of the way he bought from the
markets. On the end table next to the bed, the reed flute
sits. Menacing music plays.
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXERS
Dyna and the little boy are watching Thad through a crystal
ball.
DYNA
Ah, der he is. Is de spell ready?
LITTLE BOY
Yes, master.
DYNA
Very well. Den let's begin.
INT. THAD'S ROOM
Thad walks to the bed with a glass of water. He looks at the
flute.
THAD
Suddenly, I have the strange and
incomprehensible urge to play this
flute... It's almost as if there is
an outside force acting on me.
(a beat)
Oh well!
Thad picks up the flute and begins to play.
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXERS
DYNA
Oh, look. He's playing the flute.
LITTLE BOY
How, master? You haven't commanded
him to...
DYNA
The Pops are playing a concert on
PBS. Obviously, our werewolf has
the individuality and strength of
will of a common hutia. So much
the better.
LITTLE BOY
You mean the flute isn't magical?
DYNA
No. If it was, do you honestly
think it would sound like he was
skinning a cat?
LITTLE BOY
But, why did you want me to give it
to him?
DYNA
A sandria spell only works if you
have a personal object of the
victim.
She holds up a strand of hair.
FLASHBACK:
EXT. THE STRAW MARKET
Dyna tousles Thad's hair.
DYNA
Such a handsome boy.
FADE TO:
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXERS
As before. Dyna tosses the hair into the cauldron.
DYNA
And now, the spell of Akinis!
Alanis Shania Aretha Uma Oprah
KEANU!!!
The caldron explodes in a light.
INT. THAD'S ROOM
Thad is lying in bed trying to sleep. Suddenly, his eyes
open. Both are glowing werewolf yellow.
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXERS
DYNA
Go, my werewolf! GO AND KILL!!!
INT. THE HOTEL HALLWAY
Liam, Arturo, Bippo, and Elvis walk down the corridor.
ELVIS
...and then he went to open his
beach umbrella and was struck by
lightning, but there wasn't a cloud
in the sky!
BIPPO
Sounds like that voodoo that you do
so well!
ARTURO
Bah! Donner is just having a run
of bad luck. There's NO voodoo
involved.
Suddenly, the leg of a bed crashes through the wall and
screaming is heard.
LIAM
That's Thad's room!
BIPPO
Why does HE always get all the good
dates?
A piercing howl comes from the room.
BIPPO
Listen to that! It's disgraceful!
Let's watch!
Elvis walks over to the wall and pulls the bed leg out of the
wall. He looks in the hole.
ELVIS
Thad, good buddy, you okay in
there?
ELVIS' POV
Through the hole, we see an empty trashed room. Suddenly, a
giant werewolf head peers through the hole and roars at him.
INT. THE HOTEL HALLWAY
As before. Elvis jumps back from the hole and lands in
Arturo's arms who drops him.
ELVIS
He's wolfed out!
BIPPO
Doy! He does that, like, every
other day.
LIAM
HOW? He's still got his werewolf
patch on!
ELVIS
Liam, we can't worry about the how!
We have to worry about the why!
ARTURO
Wouldn't that essentially be the
same thing? The "how" and the
"why"?
BIPPO
Oh! Oh! Let's worry about the
where!
More crashing and banging from inside the room.
ARTURO
Look, the who, what, where, and why
and all that other stuff aside, we
have to get him to change back
before...
There is the sound of a window crashing. The room grows
silent.
ARTURO
What's that?
ELVIS
Silence?
ARTURO
Right. So what happened to Thad?
LIAM
Maybe he's changed back?
BIPPO
Or he's lying in wait for us to
open that door and check.
ARTURO
Dear lord, the clown actually had a
point!
BIPPO
Scary, ain't it?
LIAM
So, what do we do? I mean, Thad
may have hurt himself in there and
could be dying or he could just be
waiting for us to look in so he can
chomp our heads!
BIPPO
Fear not, Liam. The clown has
things well in hand.
Bippo produces a cell phone.
BIPPO
Hello, room service?
INT. THAD'S ROOM
The room service lady enters with a cart. Liam, Arturo,
Elvis, and Bippo creep in behind her.
ROOM SERVICE LADY
We der be anyt'ing else?
BIPPO
No thank you, bait.
ROOM SERVICE LADY
It's Betty.
BIPPO
Or so YOU think.
Bait... I mean, Betty leaves. Arturo grabs a chicken leg off
the cart and begins to eat.
LIAM
Thad?
No answer. The room has been completely trashed.
ELVIS
I don't think he's in here.
LIAM
Then where could he have...?
Liam stops. He sees something.
LIAM
Aw, crap. Guys, we have a problem.
Arturo, Bippo, and Elvis runs to him and looks.
ARTURO
Indeed we have, Liam... Indeed we
have.
The camera pivots around to reveal a window. It's been
broken and the curtains flap in the wind. Lightning flashes
outside as a storm builds. Somewhere on the island, a wolf
howl echoes.
FADE OUT:
...TO BE CONTINUED!
Before freepolls shut down my review-its, this episode had a score of 4.1 out of 5.