THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.03 - "Men are from Mars, Elvis is from Uranus"
Written by Jason Donner
PREVIOUSLY ON THE LIAM SMITH SHOW...
---
EPISODE 3.01 - "Out of the Frying Pan..."
---
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
DONNER
I'm taking all of you to the
Bahamas!
---
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXIRS
Dyna and the little boy are watching Thad through a crystal
ball.
DYNA
Very well. Den let's begin.
---
INT. THAD'S ROOM
Thad is lying in bed trying to sleep. Suddenly, his eyes
open. Both are glowing werewolf yellow.
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXIRS
DYNA
Go, my werewolf! GO AND KILL!!!
---
Episode 3.02 - "...Into the Fire"
---
EXT. THE HOTEL
LIAM
He just transformed for no reason
at all and went nuts.
---
EXT. NASSAU TOWN
BAHAMA MÖN
As GOD is my witness, I will
DESTROY dis werewolf!
---
EXT. NASSAU TOWN
Thad/Werewolf attacks. Bahama Mon effortlessly knocks him to
the side and into the side of a building.
---
EXT. NASSAU TOWN
Capeman has stopped Bahama Mon from killing Thad/Werewolf
LIAM
Wait a minute, Capeman... You came
all the way to the Bahama's to save
Thad's life? Why?
CAPEMAN
Let's just say, I have my reasons.
---
INT. LAFAY'S HUT
DONNER
What the hell are you doing with
the Thad man?
LAFAY
He is cursed by the evil one, Dyna.
---
LAFAY
I have opened the door for him, it
is up to him to go through it.
---
INT. THE DARK PLACE
THAD
I KNOW that I can control the
werewolf!
WOLF-GOD
You'll never succeed!
THAD
(a grin)
I just did.
---
INT. LAFAY'S HUT
THAD/WEREWOLF
Hey, how come I'm a werewolf and
I'm talking and stuff?
LAFAY
Because you've cast out the wolf
demon and your urges to kill...
now, you and the werewolf are one
and free of Dyna's spell.
---
Thad's changed back to normal, but is now being played by a
different actor.
LIAM
But you look different. You're
younger.
Thad goes to a mirror.
THAD
Hey, you're right! I AM younger!
LaFay, how can I ever thank you?
---
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXIRS
Thad/Werewolf and Bahama Mon defeat Dyna. She takes a pellet
and throws it down. When the smoke clears, we see that she
has been transformed into a small white cat.
DYNA/CAT
What the...!? DAMMIT!!! Wrong
pellet!
---
INT. LAFAY'S HUT
Arturo, LaFay, Liam, Elvis, and Donner are present. Thad,
now human again, hands the cat to Bippo.
THAD
Have fun.
---
EXT. THE WOODS
LaFay makes his way through the trees. Suddenly, he comes
upon CAPEMAN.
CAPEMAN
Blue Fairy, could you please take
off that disguise? You're creeping
me out!
POOF! LaFay changes into THE BLUE FAIRY.
BLUE FAIRY
One of these days you're going to
have to explain to me why I did
what I just did.
CAPEMAN
I have my reasons... Let's just
leave it at that for now.
---
EXT. A CRUISE SHIP
Arturo, Liam, Bippo, Elvis, Donner, and Dyna/Cat are on the
deck when suddenly, a brilliant white light shines from
above.
ARTURO
What the...!?
Arturo, Elvis, Bippo, Thad, and Donner disappear.
BIPPO
(vanishing)
All right, anal probes for all!
EXT. THE CRUISE SHIP
A giant UFO hovers over the cruise ship. After it's light
beam clicks off, it shoots into the sky and out into space.
FADE OUT:
---
AND NOW, THE CONTINUATION...
---
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
The UFO leaves earth orbit and heads out into the blackness
of space.
INT. THE UFO
LIAM, ARTURO, DONNER, THAD, BIPPO, and ELVIS are on some sort
of transporter pad in the middle of a dark and sinister
looking room. Bippo clutches DYNA/CAT.
BIPPO
It's okay, kitty. Everything will
be okay.
DYNA/CAT
Get your hands off me, you pathetic
creature! Soon, you will all bow
to my powers!
LIAM
(blows nose)
I'm feeling them now! Damn
allergies.
DONNER
Kidnapped by aliens. Okay...
That's wonderful and all, but come
on. I mean... Who didn't see this
coming at one point or another?
Suddenly, a pair of doors open and three large ALIENS appear.
They look like normal humans with the exception of the
forehead which looks like an ass.
LIAM
Hey, is it just me or do their
foreheads look like a giant...
ARTURO
ASSess the situation, my friends!
The double lobed head could contain
a larger brain even if it does make
their heads look like a giant...
THAD
BUT isn't it strange? To be
kidnapped by aliens who's heads
look like a couple of red rosey...
DONNER
Buns, this sucks!
The aliens walk past Liam and towards Bippo and Dyna/Cat.
BIPPO
Oh, I see...
(holds up Dyna/Cat)
After a little pussy, are we?
DYNA/CAT
You putrid excuse for a homo
sapian!!!
They walk past Bippo and towards Donner and Arturo.
DONNER
The fat one is intelligent. You
can dissect his brain and let me
go!
Arturo elbows Donner in the gut. The aliens walk past them
and stop in front of Elvis.
ELVIS
Oh, I see how this is going to be.
All right, let's get this probing
thing over with.
Elvis drops his pants and bends over. Liam and the gang
react in horror.
EVERYONE
GAH!
The aliens drop to their knees and bow. Elvis pulls his
pants up and watches them.
ALIEN
At last, our ruler has returned!
Everyone looks at Elvis as we...
FADE OUT:
---
THEME SONG (Sung to "The Wild Blue Yonder")
Here we go, another big dumb episode,
of a show that makes no sense,
Aliens have come to kidnap our friends,
What a strange turn of event!
Hooray!
Hoorah!
Olé!
Olah!
Nothing can stop The Liam Smith Show!
---
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
ALSO STARRING
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
John Goodman
as
"Elvis"
and
Tony Award Winner, Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
SPECIAL GUEST STARS
Della Reese
as
"Dyna/Cat"
Hugh Jackman
as
"Flatular"
Johnny Depp
as
"Colonel Crappier"
and
Christopher Walken
as
"General Queef"
---
EXT. SPACE
The UFO flies past Jupiter.
INT. THE UFO
Elvis and the others are being addressed by the alien
captain, FLATULAR.
FLATULAR
I am sorry for abducting you in
such a manner, your majesty, but
time is of the essence. My name is
Flatular and...
ELVIS
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's all this
"king" and "majesty" stuff around
here!? Sorry to be so rude, but
I've been abducted off a cruise
ship by aliens who look like they
have asses on their foreheads and
taken into outer space!
FLATULAR
I see... The memory patch is still
in place. I suppose I should have
foreseen this as we didn't plan to
pick you up for another two years
and...
ELVIS
WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!! You're the
ones who kidnapped me back in '76
and dropped me off in 1998, aren't
you!?
FLATULAR
Please, allow me to explain... This
is a long story.
Elvis and the gang take their seats. Bippo takes out a large
bag of popcorn and begins to eat.
FLATULAR
For eons, my people - the
Rectumians - have lived on the
planet you refer to as Uranus.
LIAM
What do you call it?
FLATULAR
Ouranus.
LIAM
Makes sense.
ARTURO
How are you speaking English?
FLATULAR
I learned it and can speak it
fluently although some of your
adjectives are a little qwizabunk.
ELVIS
Make more with the explaining!
FLATULAR
Of course. In your year 1976, we
abducted an earthling and brought
him with us so that we might learn
more of your species.
Unfortunately, it was during this
time that our government, a
benevolent monarchy, was overthrown
by General Queef. Our king, King
Farton, was executed and we had
very few minutes to evacuate the
last surviving member of the royal
family and rightful heir to the
throne... You.
ELVIS
Me?
FLATULAR
No, you. General Queef chased us
through the stars intent on
destroying you, so we had the
terrible choice of leaving you on
that po-dunk little backwoods
planet called Earth.
ELVIS
But I am Elvis! The King of Rock
and Roll!
FLATULAR
No, you THINK your Elvis. In
reality, we placed your
consciousness in Elvis' bloated
body and gave you his memories. We
thought that the best way for you
to hide was to be hidden to all,
including yourself.
ELVIS
So what's my real name?
FLATULAR
Buttrush Von Assman Farton the
Thirty-fourth.
ELVIS
Let's just stick with Elvis for
now.
THAD
So, why come and get him now? Did
you overthrow this General Queer?
FLATULAR
Queef, and Unfortunately, no... The
plan was to keep Elvis hidden for
another two years as the mind patch
degraded and we marshaled enough
forces to mount an all out assault.
However, the plans have changed.
LIAM
How so?
FLATULAR
General Queef wishes to expand his
Empire to include the entire solar
system... including your world.
BIPPO
Wow, maximum suckage.
FLATULAR
I'm sorry for dragging you all into
this, but we either stop him now,
or we don't stop him at all.
The communicator buzzes.
VOICE
(over comm)
Flatular, we've passed the frontier
without incident.
FLATULAR
Understood. Flatular out.
LIAM
Wait a minute, if you want to
defeat this General Queer...
FLATULAR
Queef.
LIAM
Whatever. Couldn't you go back to
Earth and pick up a few
superheroes? You know, Capeman and
the Justice Squad, Bahama Mon, or
even Doctor Wham and the Cosmic
Hamster!
THAD
Weasel.
LIAM
Whatever.
FLATULAR
Earth has superheroes? Well, that
information does me a big fat lot
of good now since we've already
breached the frontier of Queef's
defenses and can't go backwards
without being blown out of the
stars! Besides, you mentioned a
weasel... We Rectumians have an
aversion to small burrowing
rodents.
DYNA/CAT
Please don't go there.
EXT. SPACE
A large alien battleship orbits the planet Uranus.
SUBTITLE: GENERAL QUEEF'S BATTLESHIP, THE HEMORRHOID.
INT. THE HEMORRHOID
GENERAL QUEEF stands on the observation deck watching the
planet below. Another uniformed alien, COLONEL CRAPPIER,
appears behind him.
COLONEL CRAPPIER
General Queef!
GENERAL QUEEF
This had better be good or I shall
stab you in the eyes with a salad
fork.
COLONEL CRAPPIER
It is good, sir. We've found him.
GENERAL QUEEF
Who?
COLONEL CRAPPIER
Prince Farton.
An evil grin crosses General Queef's face.
GENERAL QUEEF
Bring him to me.
INT. THE UFO
Liam, Arturo, Bippo, Thad, Elvis, and Flatular are now on the
bridge. Bippo still clutches Dyna/Cat in his arms.
DYNA/CAT
Unhand me, foul one or there shall
be hell to pay!
BIPPO
Quiet, pussy!
Flatular indicated the viewscreen.
FLATULAR
There. I see Uranus.
Liam and the gang snicker.
FLATULAR
What?
THAD
Nothing. So, Flatular... Is it
true that Uranus is big and gassy?
FLATULAR
Yes, as a matter of fact it is.
Liam and the gang begin to laugh out loud.
FLATULAR
What? What's so funny?
ARTURO
Nothing... Sorry, didn't mean to be
rude.
LIAM
Tell us more about the large gassy
body you call Uranus.
FLATULAR
Well, very few people now this...
but there is tremendous pressure in
it's core... So much so that the
gas is compressed into a liquid and
then to a solid mass.
BIPPO
So, what does it smell like in
Uranus?
FLATULAR
Such a silly question! No one who
ventured inside would survive as
the toxic gasses and pressure would
kill them instantly.
Liam and the gang are in tears laughing so much. Suddenly,
the ship is shaken. Everyone is thrown to the side and then
to the other.
LIAM
WHAT WAS THAT!?
BIPPO
Was it a gas eruption from Uranus?
Flatular is reading the controls.
FLATULAR
Worse! It's General Queef!
EXT. SPACE
The Hemorrhoid is pulling in the UFO with a tractor beam.
INT. THE UFO
The UFO crew and Liam and the gang reacts to the horrible
sight on the screen.
LIAM
What do we do now?
BIPPO
I tell you what I'm NOT doing! I'm
NOT sticking around to be shoved
into the deepest depths of Uranus
to be killed by gasses and crushed
by pressure! I'm OUT of here!
Bippo takes Dyna/Cat and walks to a door.
DYNA/CAT
FOOL! That's an airlock!
Bippo shuts the door and hits the purge button blowing
himself and Dyna/Cat into space.
DONNER
Wow... Bippo died and only took ONE
person with him. Who would have
predicted that?
FLATULAR
Yes, in the cold recesses of space,
he will freeze and burn at the same
time, his lungs and eyes
exploding... He will be more
fortunate than us.
ELVIS
(swallows hard)
He will?
BLAM! An explosion rocks the bridge as several of the ass
faced aliens storm in with guns and stuff. GENERAL QUEEF
enters through the smoke.
GENERAL QUEEF
Well... Well... Well... The rumors
ARE true, Prince Farton was hidden
in the mind of a dumpy Earth
singer. The irony is delicious.
ELVIS
You're General Queer?
GENERAL QUEEF
Queef.
ELVIS
Whatever... Look, I have no idea
what's going on here. Seriously,
I'm just going along minding my own
business when all of the sudden,
these guys pick me and my friends
off a boat and take us into space.
I don't know nothing about kings or
coups, or the fact that the core of
Uranus is made of diamond.
Everyone looks at Elvis.
LIAM
Do what?
DONNER
(scratches chin)
Diamond, you say?
ELVIS
Why did I...?
GENERAL QUEEF
So you DO remember!
ELVIS
(silently)
I... Do remember.
FLATULAR
The memory patch is beginning to
degrade as he has become immersed
in his old environment with his own
people.
GENERAL QUEEF
Yes, and unfortunately... That
means you all must die like THIS.
General Queef takes out a ray gun and vaporizes Flatular.
ELVIS
FLATULAR!!!
GENERAL QUEEF
But before I kill you and your ugly
Earthian friends, I want you to see
my plan brought to fruition.
ELVIS
You mean... your incendiary is
ready?
GENERAL QUEEF
(grin)
You DO remember. Yes, prince... it
is ready.
(to guards)
Take them away.
The guards grab Elvis, Liam, Thad, Arturo, and Donner and
lead them out.
GENERAL QUEEF
Don't worry, fools! Soon, you will
all join your clown friend in the
cold depths of space!
EXT. SPACE
The Blue Danube plays as Bippo and Dyna/Cat float by wearing
spacesuits. Bippo tosses aside a spray can.
BIPPO
Good thing that there was a couple
of cans of "spacesuits in a can" in
the airlock, huh?
DYNA/CAT
PSYCHOPATH! If I was human again,
I would kill you where you stand...
Er, float! But this is not the
time to argue! Now, we must stop
General Queef!
BIPPO
Queer.
DYNA/CAT
Whatever.
BIPPO
Wait a minute... You're, like, an
evil sorceress who wants to take
over the Bahamas. What do you care
what happens here?
DYNA/CAT
I care because General Queef...
BIPPO
Queer.
DYNA/CAT
Whatever... Wants to take over the
Earth. If HE controls the world,
where does that leave ME?
BIPPO
Good point, pussy. I have a plan.
DYNA/CAT
You do?
BIPPO
Yes... First, we have to find an
exhaust port.
DYNA/CAT
An exhaust port?
BIPPO
Well, the thing's gotta have a
tailpipe!
Bippo uses a small truster and sail back towards the
Battleship Hemorrhoid.
INT. THE HEMORRHOID
Liam, Donner, Arturo, Thad, and Elvis are being led down the
hallway by guards. One of them jabs Thad in the back with a
weapon.
THAD
Don't do that!
ALIEN GUARD #1
MOVE, HUMAN!
THAD
Don't make me angry... You wouldn't
like me when I'm angry.
ALIEN GUARD #2
MOVE!
THAD
Your funeral.
Thad does a backflip and lands behind the two alien guards
fully transformed into a werewolf. Thad/Werewolf bops the
two guards heads together knocking them both out.
THAD/WEREWOLF
This could come in handy at times!
ARTURO
Great, Thad... But why didn't you
do that FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!?
THAD/WEREWOLF
I thought we wanted to keep our ace
in the hole hidden as long as we
could!
DONNER
Well, thanks ace-hole! Now, can we
get out of here now?
ELVIS
(points)
This way.
LIAM
How do you know?
ELVIS
I know... I'm remembering things
about this ship and my people.
DONNER
You mean to tell me that you really
are one of these ass-faced freaks?
ELVIS
I'm human but have the mind of a
Rectumian.
THAD/WEREWOLF
That's frankly nasty, but I don't
care. Let's get out of here and
get back to Earth!
ELVIS
We can't.
LIAM
Why not? I don't see a good reason
we can't!
ELVIS
We can't because if we do, General
Queef is going to murder every
Rectumian on Uranus!
DONNER
So? I'm not interested!
ELVIS
Remember what he said about a
diamond?
DONNER
Changed my mind. I'm interested.
ELVIS
There is a diamond in the core of
Uranus.
DONNER
Wow, If I'd known that I would have
dug it out years ago!
ELVIS
You couldn't... All that pressure
and heat makes retrieving it
impossible.
LIAM
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Hold up! Time
out! You're seriously telling me
that there's one little measly
diamond in the center of Uranus?
So what?
ELVIS
A diamond the size of Earth?
LIAM
Ah, well... That's different.
DONNER
(flinches)
Oh, damn! I think I need a
cigarette!
THAD/WEREWOLF
A diamond the size of Earth? What
sort of cliched contrive sci-fi
horsecrap are you trying to push on
us?
ARTURO
Don't be so quick to judge him, my
friends. One of the key elements
in the formation of diamonds is
carbon and the Galelio probe found
lots of that in the atmosphere of
Jupiter. Now, with all of the heat
and pressure in the core of a gas
giant... Like Uranus... Why not
assume that it would create a
diamond that large?
ELVIS
A treasure of untold wealth beyond
physical reach. Can you imagine?
Donner is drooling.
LIAM
What does this have to do with
General Queef?
ELVIS
Everything, unfortunately. Queef
wants at that diamond and he
figures that the only way he can do
that is to get rid of Uranus'
atmosphere with an incendiary.
THAD/WEREWOLF
So, essentially... He's going to
light a match near Uranus?
ELVIS
It'll destroy everything. I have
to stop him!
DONNER
Let's not be so hasty... Now, talk
about the diamond again...
Slowly... And pout your lips this
time.
LIAM
Why Uranus? Why not blow up
Jupiter or Saturn or Neptune?
ELVIS
Uranus is the smallest of the gas
giants. It's atmosphere contains
just the right amount of trace
gasses for the incendiary to work.
That, and General Queef thinks that
Saturn is too pretty.
Elvis takes off down the corridor.
LIAM
Where are you going?
ELVIS
To take down General Queef. These
are my subjects and I will not see
them destroyed!
DONNER
Are you nuts? We've got tall dark
and shaggy on our side now!
Donner indicates Thad.
DONNER
Let HIM eat General Queef!
ELVIS
I appreciate it, but this is
something I've got to do by myself.
Get to the UFO and prepare it for
take off!
Elvis disappears down the hall.
INT. THE HEMORRHOID BRIDGE
General Queef is standing on the observation deck as Colonel
Crappier looks on along with a few other officers.
COLONEL CRAPPIER
The incendiary will be ready to
deploy in two minutes.
GENERAL QUEEF
Perfect.
Elvis appears in the doorway.
ELVIS
GENERAL QUEER!
GENERAL QUEEF
QUEEF!
ELVIS
Says you.
All of the officers get up and point weapons as Elvis.
GENERAL QUEEF
It seems that you walked into your
own killing field, prince.
ELVIS
Too chicken to face me, Queef?
GENERAL QUEEF
I am not chicken! You've lost,
Elvis! In less than two minutes,
your world will be destroyed and
I'll take the Rectumian diamond
home where we will use it to
finance our takeover of this entire
system!
ELVIS
Trusting you and your people was
the worst mistake we ever made!
GENERAL QUEEF
No, your worst was challenging me.
General Queef takes out a lightsaber and tosses one to Elvis.
GENERAL QUEEF
All right, Elvis... Let's go.
INT. THE HEMORRHOID CARGO BAY
Arturo, Donner, and Thad run for the UFO which is parked in
the bay.
INT. THE UFO BRIDGE
Liam, Donner, Arturo, and Thad enter and look around the
empty bridge.
LIAM
Where's the crew?
DONNER
The crew? Oh gee, let me think...
DEAD perhaps?
THAD
Well then, we'd better learn how to
use these controls before General
Queef finds out we've escaped!
ARTURO
Well, unless you've taken an annex
course in interstellar flight
you've neglected to tell us
about...
THAD
DAMN! I knew I should have taken
that course from bitch Sally
Struthers!
INT. THE HEMORRHOID BRIDGE
Elvis and General Queef are embroiled in combat as the
countdown continues.
COLONEL CRAPPIER
Incendiary activation in one
minute!
GENERAL QUEEF
You've lost, prince! All that time
you spent on Earth has dulled your
senses and made you weak!
ELVIS
Says... YOU!
Elvis executes the Pelvis Thrust of Destruction sending
General Queef into the glass of the observation deck.
GENERAL QUEEF
(weakly)
H-How?
ELVIS
A little trick I learned on Earth.
The glass begins to crack.
COLONEL CRAPPIER
It's going to break! Everyone out!
Before the crew can evacuate, the glass breaks exposing the
bridge to space. Most of the bridge crew are instantly
sucked out, but Colonel Crappier and a two or three of them
make it to an escape pod and launch away. General Queef
hangs onto the railing with Elvis.
GENERAL QUEEF
This can't HAPPEN to me!
ELVIS
Good-night Sweetheart!
Elvis punches General Queef in the face sending the general
tumbling into space. Elvis watches as the general bursts in
the vacuum of space. Elvis looks out the broken window and
sees the planet Uranus below.
ELVIS
I'm home.
Elvis lets go and is sucked out the window into space. The
camera angles on a monitor as it counts down until the
incendiary activation.
35... 34... 33... 32...
EXT. THE HEMORRHOID
Bippo and Dyna/Cat approach the exhaust port. The opening is
approximately the size of a canteloupe.
DYNA/CAT
Okay, so we're here at the exhaust
port! What now, fool!
BIPPO
Have you ever shoved a potato in
someone's exhaust pipe?
DYNA/CAT
Yes, but what does THAT have to do
with anything?
BIPPO
Well, we have an exhaust pipe!
DYNA/CAT
IDIOT! WE HAVE NO POTATO!!!
BIPPO
You're right! Where are we going
to get a potato? In space? At
this hour?
(a beat)
Hey, who needs a potato to clog up
an exhaust port anyway?
DYNA/CAT
Then WHAT are we going to use?
Bippo grabs Dyna/Cat and shoves her into the exhaust pipe.
DYNA/CAT
(stuck)
What is the meaning of...!? GAH!
I'm stuck!
BIPPO
Toodles!
Bippo leaps and sails off into space. The exhaust port
begins to glow red and smoke.
DYNA/CAT
CURSES!
(a beat)
Oh, who am I kidding? That's what
got me into this.
INT. THE UFO BRIDGE
Liam, Arturo, and Thad are still trying to get the ship
started. Donner is sitting in the captain's chair.
LIAM
It's no use!
COMPUTER VOICE
Warning! Incendiary device
activation in ten seconds!
THAD
Oh no! Uranus is about to blow!
COMPUTER VOICE
Warning! The battleship Hemorrhoid
will explode in five seconds.
THAD
Oh, sh-(BLEEP!)-t! WE'RE going to
blow!
DONNER
If you ask me, you already do.
ARTURO
Mister Donner, either shut up or
help us fly this contraption.
Donner rises and walks over to the controls.
DONNER
Excuse me, professor.
Donner's hands fly over the console.
EXT. THE HEMORRHOID CARGO BAY
The UFO rises and then flies out the hanger doors.
EXT. SPACE
Bippo is floating, holding his thumb out like a hitchhiker.
INT. THE UFO BRIDGE
Donner sees Bippo in the monitors.
DONNER
Hold on.
EXT. SPACE
The UFO flies over Bippo and grabs him with a tractor beam.
In the background, the battleship Hemorrhoid lists and then
explodes in a great fireball.
INT. THE UFO BRIDGE
Liam, Arturo, and Thad watches the ship explode on the
viewscreen.
ARTURO
(sadly)
Elvis.
Bippo enters from the bridge door.
BIPPO
Nice save there guys. Didja see?
Didja see the ship go boom? That
was me! All me! Well, I got a
little help from pussy, but...
LIAM
(sadly)
He's gone. Elvis died saving his
people... and us.
Suddenly, three pure white angelic floating aliens appear on
the bridge.
ALIEN
The reports of Elvis' death are
premature.
THAD
Who are you guys?
The middle alien changes into...
LIAM
ELVIS!
ARTURO
How the... HELL!?
ELVIS
I'm all right, guys. Only the meat
puppet I called a body was
destroyed.
ARTURO
HUH?
ELVIS
Think about it, professor. Uranus
is a gas giant with no surface.
What sort of aliens would be best
suited to live there?
Donner rises.
DONNER
The kind with no physical mass for
the pressure and heat to destroy.
Creatures of pure energy.
THAD
Am I crazy or did a correct answer
just come out of Donner's mouth?
DONNER
Yes, but he wasn't responsible for
it.
A white alien emerges from Donner and turns into FLATULAR.
LIAM
Flatular! You're alive!
FLATULAR
Of course I'm alive!
DONNER
Why does my mouth taste like
Cotton?
BIPPO
Okay, me is much confused. You
explain now.
ELVIS
My people, the Rectumians, are
beings of pure energy.
Occasionally, we find need to
possess the body of biologics to
suit our purposes.
FLATULAR
Much like Prince Farton there
possessed the body of Elvis Presley
and I and my crew possessed the
bodies of General Queef's men
several years ago when we had to
escape from Uranus.
LIAM
And here all this time I thought
you and Queef's people were all the
same species.
FLATULAR
They were Anusian. We were allies
with them for a while until General
Queef overthrew our government, but
now that Elvis - our Prince Farton -
is back, peace and prosperity can
return to our world.
LIAM
(to Elvis)
So... You're not coming back with
us?
ELVIS
I can't, Liam. My people need me
now more than ever. I will miss
you all, my friends.
Elvis, the aliens, and Flatular disappear.
ARTURO
(sighs)
I loose more handymen that way.
EXT. SPACE
The escape pod from the Hemorrhoid jets past Pluto.
INT. THE ESCAPE POD
Colonel Crappier and his men are cramped together. Out a
viewport, we see stars rush past.
COLONEL CRAPPIER
Once we get back to our homeworld,
we will marshal our forces and take
back Uranus! Those Rectumians will
rue the day they challenged us!
CREWMAN
SIR!!!
The crewman points at the viewport. The stars are gone.
Now, there is only black and a pair of evil red eyes glaring
at them.
COLONEL CRAPPIER
What the HELL!? NOOOOO!!!!
EXT. SPACE
Total blackness except for the eyes as a beam envelopes the
escape pod.
INT. THE ESCAPE POD
Colonel Crappier and his men writhe in agony as their bodies
shrivel into flesh-covered skeletons.
MEN
Arrrrrrrrrgh! Ack! Gurgle!
EXT. SPACE
The large black object with the red eyes destroys the pod
with another beam and then turns. It slowly goes past Pluto
and towards the sun, painfully obvious that it's heading for
Earth.
EXT. SPACE
The UFO flies by Saturn.
INT. THE UFO BRIDGE
Donner is still at controls. Arturo, Thad, Bippo, and Liam
sit at various other positions.
LIAM
Can't believe we're just leaving
Elvis behind like that.
ARTURO
He wanted to stay behind, my boy.
Besides... Leading that planet to a
new age of peace was his destiny.
DONNER
Well, at least Flatular left enough
memories in my head for me to fly
this rust bucket home.
(a beat)
Wait a minute! I've got a highly
advanced alien UFO! HA! Who needs
Cape-what's-his-face! I'm selling
this baby to the Chinese!
Upon hearing this, Bippo jumps to Donner's side.
BIPPO
Hey, what does this button do?
Bippo pushes it.
DONNER
No, you idiot! That's the fuel
dump!
EXT. SPACE
The UFO dumps it's fuel and drifts to a stop.
INT. THE UFO BRIDGE
Donner looks angrily at Bippo. Thad, Liam, and Arturo do the
same.
BIPPO
But it was so red and shiny!
EXT. SPACE
The camera zooms away from the UFO.
BIPPO (V.O.)
I just want everyone to remember
who is was who blew up General
Queef's ship, okay?
The camera zooms farther away.
SOUND EFFECT
SMACK!
BIPPO (V.O.)
Ow! That's my favorite nose!
The UFO becomes a tiny speck in the middle of space. All
alone.
BIPPO (V.O.)
Fine, when we all start to starve,
you can eat me! Would that make
you all feel better?
THAD (V.O.)
Dibs!
FADE OUT:
TO BE CONTINUED...
ROLL CREDITS
Before freepolls shut down my review-its, this episode scored a 4.5 out of 5.