THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.04 - "Star Bleeech! The Voyager Home"
Written by Jason Donner
EXT. SPACE
The small UFO floats helplessly near Saturn.
INT. THE UFO
LIAM SMITH, ARTURO, THAD, BIPPO, and DONNER are sitting
quietly at different stations quietly passing the time.
LIAM (V.O.)
I think back on the events that
brought us to where we are and I
can't help but shake my head in
awe. First, I'm about to marry the
girl of my dreams when my long-lost
mother returns and I find out that
my almost-wife is my long lost half
sister. After that, Donner takes
Elvis, Arturo, Thad, Bippo, and
myself to the Bahamas to forget our
troubles, only to develop new ones
when Thad was cursed by a witch
doctor and cured by another. Now,
Thad isn't a mindless killing
machine when he wolfs out AND he's
been de-aged ten years... Sort of
like one of those situations were a
TV show gets tired of an actor
playing a part so they replace him.
Our journey into insanity still
continued when we were all
kidnapped off the deck of a cruise
ship and taken to Uranus where we
found out that Elvis is actually
the long lost king of an alien
race. We helped Elvis reclaim his
throne, he stayed behind, and we
took a spaceship home... Only now,
we're out of fuel and slowly and
steadily starving to death in the
cold, dark, and lonely recesses of
space.
Liam weakly rises, walks over to a wall, and makes a tally
mark with a piece of chalk.
FADE TO:
INT. THE UFO - A WHILE LATER
The wall is now covered with over three dozen tally marks,
marking the passage of time. Liam makes another mark.
DONNER
How long, Liam? How long have we
been stranded here?
Liam looks at the wall and counts.
LIAM
Thirty-nine minutes.
DONNER
OH THE AGONY!!! WHEN WILL IT END!?
WE'RE ALL GOING TO STARVE TO
DEATH!!!
ARTURO
Don't be silly, Mr. Donner.
DONNER
Professor, you have a plan?
ARTURO
No... I was just going to say that
we're going to run out of air long
before we starve.
BIPPO
I have an idea! Thad, grab a
shovel! We'll TUNNEL our way home!
Bippo throws Thad a shovel and the two of them start to try
to dig through the solid metal of the deck. Arturo holds his
ears in pain from the scraping metal sounds.
ARTURO
Oh, CUT THAT OUT you BLISTERING
IDIOTS!!!
Arturo storms off.
THAD
I don't think the professor likes
us very much.
BIPPO
Maybe he's homophobic?
A beat. Thad looks at Bippo.
THAD
We're not gay, Bippo.
BIPPO
We're NOT!?
Suddenly, the ship is shaken.
LIAM
Oh, what now?
DONNER
It's the end! This is it! I'm
going to die without ever knowing
true love unless it was from a
reflection.
Donner gets out a mirror.
DONNER
Don't worry, baby. We still have
each other.
Suddenly, Liam, Bippo, Arturo, and Thad disappear in a halo
of lights and swirly sound effects.
INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM
Liam and the gang appear on the transporter pad in the swirly
special effects. They look around in confusion.
THAD
What in the wide, wide world of
sports was THAT!?
VOICE
Greetings...
They all turn to the voice and see CAPTAIN JANEWAY, TUVOK,
and CHAKOTAY.
JANEWAY
I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the
Federation Starship Voyager.
Liam and the gang look on in shock as we...
FADE OUT:
---
Space... it's really really really big.
These are the Voyages of the Starship Voyager.
It's seven year mission, try to find a way home.
To seek out new olé and new olé forms!
To boldy olé! where no one has oléd before!
---
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
ALSO STARRING
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
and
People's Choice Award Winner, Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
SPECIAL GUEST STARS
Kate Mulgrew
as
"Captain Janeway"
Robert Beltran
as
"Commander Chakotay"
Tim Russ
as
"Lt. Commander Tuvok"
Robert Duncan McNeil
as
"Lt. Paris"
Roxanne Dawson
as
"Lt. Torres"
Garett Wang
as
"Ensign Kim"
Ethan Phillips
as
"Neelix"
and
Jeri Ryan
as
"Seven of Nine"
---
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
High in orbit of Saturn, the USS VOYAGER is holding the UFO
in a tractor beam.
JANEWAY (V.O.)
Captain's Log, Stardate 53992.1:
After our forth battle with the
Borg this week, we encountered our
tenth spatial anomaly of the month
which engulfed the ship and sent us
back to the Alpha Quadrant and,
conveniently enough, into the
Terran System. However, upon
rescuing several humans on a
derelict ship, we've discovered
something rather odd.
INT. JANEWAY'S READY ROOM
Janeway sits at her desk. Tuvok and a couple of SECURITY
GOONS are in the background. Liam and Arturo stand in the
middle of the room.
JANEWAY
Let me see if I get this
straight... You're saying that
we're fictional? My crew, my ship,
and I are characters on a
television program?
LIAM
Not just any TV show, ma'am... er,
sir... I mean, captain! Star Trek:
Voyager! I'm a big fan of your
show! I watch it every day! Now
tell me, what does Seven of Nine
think about this and - more
importantly - where is she?
JANEWAY
We CAN'T be fictional characters!
I have a life! Friends and family
and Irish Setters waiting for me
back home!
LIAM
Yeah, yeah, yeah... Now, about
Seven...
JANEWAY
This has got to be a trick... Q or
some other really intelligent and
totally annoying omnipotent being.
LIAM
Seven of Nine could probably help!
JANEWAY
Well, that being said and since
this is 21st century, I suppose
that going to Earth is out of the
question.
Arturo slams his hand down on Janeway's desk.
ARTURO
Enough of this useless prattle!
WHERE IS SEVEN OF NINE!?
Suddenly, the voice of THE DOCTOR comes over the comm line.
DOCTOR
Doctor to Janeway.
JANEWAY
Go ahead Doctor.
DOCTOR
Not until you say it
JANEWAY
No.
DOCTOR
Not until you say my name.
JANEWAY
Uh-uh.
DOCTOR
What's my name?
JANEWAY
NO!
DOCTOR
Say my name, bitch! Say it! SAY
IT!
Liam and Arturo look at each other in confusion.
LIAM
D'ah... The Doctor finally chose a
name?
TUVOK
Unfortunately, yes.
DOCTOR
Well?
JANEWAY
(sighs)
Go ahead, Doctor Feelgood.
DOCTOR
Thank you. I've checked out the
last three of our visitors and
confirmed that they are mostly
human.
JANEWAY
Mostly?
DOCTOR
One of them exhibits Lycanthopic
DNA patterns and a metamorphic cell
structure.
ARTURO
That would be Thad.
DOCTOR
I'm assuming he's some sort of a
werewolf from the readings and the
fact that he won't stop licking
himself.
ARTURO
That's Thad all right.
JANEWAY
Clowns... Werewolves... And a man
who looks strangely like a
character on the holodeck. This is
going to be a most irritating
adventure.
LIAM
It doesn't have to be! Why don't
you just drop us off at Earth and
be done with us?
JANEWAY
Not until we fully determine why
we're here and what brought us
here. Until then, you stay here.
For all we know, the phenomenon in
question may be affecting Earth.
If it's not, we could inadvertently
bring it to Earth by dropping you
off.
LIAM
Wow, that would suck.
JANEWAY
Indeed it would suck, young man.
You stay until we can figure out
exactly what the hell's going on.
In the meantime, consider yourself
our guests and...
The ship shakes. The voice of CHAKOTAY comes over the conn.
CHAKOTAY (V.O.)
Captain, we're being attacked by a
Borg Cube!
BORG
(over com)
We are the Borg! You will be
assimilated! Resistance is futile!
All your base are belong to us!
JANEWAY
F*ck, again? You know the drill...
Blow them up.
There is another ship shake.
CHAKOTAY (V.O.)
We blow'd them up good, Captain.
Where would we be without you?
SECURITY GOON
Home?
Tuvok elbows him in the gut.
JANEWAY
What did you say, Ensign Gonnadie?
SECURITY GOON
I said, "who knows?"
INT. SICKBAY
The DOCTOR is treating Bippo with a device.
DOCTOR
I don't understand! No matter how
much I try, I can't get this clown
make-up off!
Camera angles on Donner.
DONNER
I can't believe I'm on Voyager...
With Seven of Nine! By the way,
where is she?
THAD
(mopey)
I don't know.
DONNER
What's wrong, wolf boy? You didn't
get a clean bill of health?
THAD
Sort of. The Doctor said I have a
disease only found in dogs and gave
me this to get rid of it.
Thad hold up a large capsule.
DONNER
Wow, you're going to have to take a
gallon of water to take that
sucker!
THAD
It's not a pill.
DONNER
Well, if it's not a pill, how do
you...
A beat.
DONNER
I should just drop it, shouldn't I?
THAD
That would be a very smart move.
LIAM enters. The Doctor goes up to them.
DOCTOR
You're friends are fine, Mister
Smith. A little shaken up and
confused and... Dare I say...
Stupid, but fine.
LIAM
Glad to hear that, Doctor.
DOCTOR
Doctor... What?
LIAM
Do I have to?
DOCTOR
Yes.
LIAM
Glad to hear it, Doctor Feelgood.
DOCTOR
Better. Now, where is that
corpulent friend of yours?
LIAM
Looking around the ship, but that's
not important... I'm a bit curious
of Seven of Nine's biology. Do you
have your last medical scan or
better yet, pictures?
DOCTOR
That would be a breach of
patient/doctor confidentiality,
young man.
LIAM
So, what? A hundred bucks then?
DOCTOR
Four figures or forget it.
The ship is shaken.
LIAM
What's that?
DOCTOR
Borg again probably. Pesky little
bastards.
The ship is shaken again.
DOCTOR
That's odd... We usually blow them
up or outsmart them or make them
our bitches by this point.
Bippo jumps to their side.
BIPPO
I'LL get to the bottom of this!
Bippo points to a communicator he's wearing.
DOCTOR
Where'd you get that and where is
your security escort?
BIPPO
Ensign Expendible? He... Er...
Uh... Had to go to the bathroom.
LIAM
BIPPO!
BIPPO
What?
LIAM
We're guests here! You shouldn't off
and kill one of the crew just
because...
ENSIGN EXPENDIBLE enters zipping up his pants.
ENSIGN EXPENDIBLE
Thanks for holding my comm badge
for me while I was in the can,
Bippo.
BIPPO
No problem. You have a spot by the
way.
Ensign Expendible check his pants as Bippo turns to Liam.
BIPPO
I'll be accepting your apology now,
ass.
ENSIGN EXPENDIBLE
I'm always dropping my comm badge
down the crapper. Last week,
people were getting comm hails from
the ship's waste disposal... A
bunch of farts and grunts and...
BIPPO
Okay, you've talked about fifteen
seconds longer than you should
have.
Bippo slaps his nipple.
BIPPO
Bippo to bridge.
(a beat)
Bridge, are you there?
(a beat, dramatically)
WHY don't they ANSWER!!!
DOCTOR
(sigh)
You're slapping your nipple. The
comm badge is on the other side.
Bippo slaps his badge.
BIPPO
Bippo to bridge.
JANEWAY (V.O.)
Janeway, bridge here!
CHAKOTAY (V.O.)
I think you mean: Bridge, Janeway
here.
JANEWAY (V.O.)
When I want your opinion,
Commander, I'll give it to you!
CHAKOTAY (V.O.)
Oh yeah!? Well, I'll be captain
someday! THEN you'll be sorry!
JANEWAY (V.O.)
So will the crew.
BIPPO
Ex-CUSE me!
JANEWAY (V.O.)
Wha...!? Mister DeClown! What are
you doing with a comm badge!
DOCTOR
He borrowed it, Captain.
JANEWAY (V.O.)
And why didn't YOU stop him from
using it?
DOCTOR
I was curious to see what was going
to happen. Think of it as a study
in behavioral science... Sort of
like when you give a chimp a
hammer.
The ship shakes again.
DOCTOR
Captain, what's going on?
JANEWAY (V.O.)
No time to talk now!
DOCTOR
Oh, but you DO have time to argue
with Commander Cha--
JANEWAY (V.O.)
Janeway out!
DOCTOR
ARGH! Must be that time of the
month.
BIPPO
Sweeps?
DOCTOR
Enough of this! I'm going up there
to see what's happening for myself!
The Doctor grabs his mobile transmitter and storms out the
door. Bippo and Liam follow him out. Donner and Thad stays
put.
DONNER
I'm not going with them! I'm
staying right here where it's safe!
THAD
Amen, brother!
Two KAZON beam into sickbay and point weapons at them.
DONNER
Oh, POOPIES!!!
The Kazon stun Donner and Thad, grab them, and beam away.
EXT. SPACE
Voyager is locked in combat with two KAZON RAIDERS.
INT. VOYAGER BRIDGE
Janeway and Chakotay are at the command stations, Tuvok is at
tactical, HARRY KIM is at Ops, PARIS is at helm. Arturo is
also there trying to hang on.
JANEWAY
DAMAGE REPORT!!!
TUVOK
Minor damage and heavy annoyance on
all decks.
JANEWAY
How the HELL are the Kazon here!?
We left them over 40 thousand light
years behind us over five years
ago!
KIM
This has to do with the anomaly
that brought us here! It has to!
I know it!
JANEWAY
That's as good a theory as any!
Janeway tosses Harry a cookie which he eats greedily.
TUVOK
We also have reports of intruders
in sick bay.
The Doctor, Liam, and Bippo enter.
JANEWAY
Doctor, what do you know about
intruders in sickbay?
DOCTOR
Intruders in sickbay!?
JANEWAY
No, intruders in sickbay.
DOCTOR
But I just left sickbay and didn't
see any intruders.
BIPPO
Besides, Donner and Thad are down
there and I'm sure that Thad would
eat them all gone-gone if they
tried to mess with him. He's a
werewolf, you know!
TUVOK
I'm not showing any life signs in
sickbay.
BIPPO
(mumbling)
Or he and Donner might be killed
and vaporized where they stand... I
don't know.
TUVOK
I'm picking up two transport
signatures in and four out... It
appears that our guests have been
kidnapped.
ARTURO
Why? Both of them are the most
useless individuals I know!
JANEWAY
The Kazon are notorious for
stealing technology... Maybe...
Uh... Hell, I don't know. How's
the battle going, anyhow?
PARIS
The Kazon have broken off and
entered the atmosphere of Saturn.
JANEWAY
Follow them.
PARIS
Can't.
JANEWAY
Why.
PARIS
Too damaged and with that
atmospheric pressure, we'd be
crushed like a tribble on Kirk's
command chair.
JANEWAY
(mumbles to herself)
Hail them.
On the viewscreen, the images of SESKA and MAGE CULLAH
appear.
KIM
SESKA!
PARIS
CULLAH!
JANEWAY
Very good!
Janeway throws both of them a cookie and looks back at the
screen as Paris and Kim consume them greedily.
JANEWAY
What the HELL are you two DOING
here!
(points to Seska)
YOU'RE supposed to be dead...
(points to Cullah)
...and YOU'RE supposed to be
rotting somewhere on the other side
of the galaxy!
CULLAH
I don't have the slightest idea
what your talking about captain,
but you'd better agree to our terms
and your crewmen will be killed.
Seska whispers something in Cullah's ear.
CULLAH
I mean, agree to our terms OR your
crewmen will be killed.
JANEWAY
WHAT crewmen?
Seska steps to the side and reveals DONNER and THAD tied to a
couple of chairs.
JANEWAY
Crap. You MORONS! Those aren't
crewmembers! Those are just some
guys we picked up!
SESKA
You're lying.
JANEWAY
Am not!
SESKA
Yes you are. I can tell.
JANEWAY
How?
SESKA
The way your left eyelid twitches.
JANEWAY
Left eyelid? What are you talking
about!
SESKA
There! There it goes again.
Janeway slaps her hand over her eye hard with a huge SMACK
sound.
SESKA
Our demands are as follows. Give
us transporters, replicators, and
all the alcohol you have. If you
refuse, your crewmen will suffer a
fate worse than death.
Janeway takes her hand down from her eye which is now black
and swollen.
JANEWAY
You're taking them to Euro Disney?
SESKA
NO! I'm going to kill them!
JANEWAY
How is death a fate worse than
death?
BIPPO
It can be.
JANEWAY
Explain.
BIPPO
Well, first you have to find the
right pressure point and...
CULLAH
HEY! Remember us? Hostages and
such?
JANEWAY
The federation does not negotiate
with terrorists especially if it
means giving up all my booze!
PARIS
Not necessarily captain. I mean, I
was a terrorist and you negotiated
with me.
JANEWAY
THAT was an isolated incident!
CHAKOTAY
And then there was about three
dozen other isolated incidents when
you negotiated with me and the rest
of the Maquis and made us members
of the crew.
JANEWAY
YOU AREN'T HELPING!!! SHUT UP!!!
SESKA
See? You have no choice, Captain!
Give us what we want or we start
killing! Good bye.
The screen goes blank, replaced by a logo and the caption
THANK YOU FOR USING AT&T.
JANEWAY
F*CK! Well, I hope to hell all of
you are happy!
ARTURO
This is terrible!
LIAM
Yeah, we've been on the ship over
an hour and have yet to see Seven
of Nine!
EXT. THE UPPER ATMOSPHERE OF SATURN
The Kazon Ships lie in wait in the yellow clouds. We hear
the winds whistling.
INT. THE KAZON TORTURE CHAMBER
Thad and Donner and sitting next to each other tied up and
alone.
DONNER
Try it again.
Thad sighs, turns into a werewolf, struggles to break free,
fails, and then turns back to a human.
THAD
No use. They must have made these
bonds from some sort of futuristic
fiber or...
DONNER
(looks)
It says Nev-R-Break. Isn't that
the same company that makes dog
leashes?
THAD
I... Wouldn't know.
DONNER
(to himself)
What the hell are the Kazon doing
with Nev-R-Breaks?
The doors open. Seska and Cullah enter.
SESKA
YOU!
She points to Thad.
THAD
Me?
SESKA
Yeah, you. Come with me.
THAD
Why?
SESKA
I'm going to interrogate you...
(licks lips)
...personally.
She tousles Thad's hair and smiles.
DONNER
(through teeth)
This is a ood-gay ing-thay! You
can olf-way out and ill-kay er-hay!
Thad is succumbing to Seska's charms.
THAD
Naw, I think I'll see where this is
going.
DONNER
You stupid it-shay!
THAD
Sticks and stones.
Seska unties Thad and leads him out of the room with a
phaser. Cullah looks down at Donner.
CULLAH
And I will interrogate you.
DONNER
I was afraid of that.
CULLAH
Tell me how to capture Voyager.
DONNER
Satellite dish?
CULLAH
I don't understand.
DONNER
Well, it WOULD have to be a really
powerful satellite dish since UPN
really sucks.
CULLAH
What?
DONNER
I don't know WHAT I was thinking
when I bought that stupid network.
CULLAH
Huh?
DONNER
I thought I was buying CSPAN...
Turned out I bought the one station
that was even more boring. But at
least we've got Buffy now... and
then that new Enterprise show looks
pretty good. HA! Suck on THAT WB!
CULLAH
ENOUGH! You speak in too many
words of more than two syllables
You confuse Mage Cullah! Tell me
how to capture Voyager or I will
extract your teeth through your
anus!
DONNER
Wow, that would hurt!
CULLAH
NOW!
DONNER
OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! UH... First, you
have to... Uh... Uh... Disable
the... Uh... Fraginstan... Duh...
Compensator.
CULLAH
(writing)
Disable the Fraginstan Compensator.
DONNER
Then you have to... Er... Destroy
the Triaxilating... Frenelflaz...
Array.
CULLAH
(writing, mumbling)
...frenelflaz array
DONNER
After that, it should be easy as
pie!
CULLAH
(writing, mumbling)
...should Be easy as...
DONNER
You didn't have to write that part
down.
CULLAH
CULLAH KNOWS THAT!!! Now, I will
take this information to the bridge
and we will use it to capture that
pesky ship! Sit here and
contemplate your coming doom,
human!
Cullah stomps off.
DONNER
God, what a moron!
INT. VOYAGER OBSERVATION LOUNGE
Janeway, Chakotay, Kim, Paris, TORRES, Tuvok, the Doctor,
NEELIX, Arturo, Bippo, and Liam are sitting at the table.
JANEWAY
I want options!
KIM
Bucket seats!
NEELIX
Drink holders!
TORRES
5000 mile guarantee!
JANEWAY
SHUT UP!!! I MEAN, I want to know
how to get Mister Coffey and Donner
off that damned ship without giving
in to Seska's demands.
KIM
What if we get Commander Chakotay
to talk to them and hope that the
inescapable boredom and his lack of
personality makes them all go to
sleep?
CHAKOTAY
Or we could send Kim down and have
him irritate them to death.
BIPPO
Oo! Oo! Send down Kim, Chakotay,
and Neelix and make it a triple
whammy!
TUVOK
Triple whammies were outlawed by
the Kitomer accords.
BIPPO
Well, poo on you!
Liam sighs and looks to his left where we see the torso and
upper body of SEVEN OF NINE.
SEVEN OF NINE
I have a suggestion.
LIAM
Boing!
The camera zooms out to reveal Seven of Nine.
BIPPO
WOWIE, ZOWIE! Check out those
IMPLANTS!!!
JANEWAY
Liam, Professor Arturo, Bippo...
This is Seven of Nine.
Bippo checks out her chest.
BIPPO
Nice names.
JANEWAY
What is if you want, Seven?
SEVEN OF NINE
I was in astrometrics when I
realized that quite a long time had
gone by without my having saved the
ship in some way. I believe that
by showering the Kazon ships with
borg nanoprobes, we can create a
subspace ion storm in the
atmosphere around them. As you
know, the atmosphere of Saturn is
rich in hydrogen and fluorine, two
such gases that will make the chain
reaction possible. The nanoprobes
will have to be tuned to a
frequency of 2.34 Megahertz and a
quadrilateral frequency of...
Seven of Nine's words become muddled as the camera focuses on
Liam.
LIAM
(thinking)
Ugh! Technobabble... So... BORING!
Interest... Fading... Fading...
Faaaaaaaaading...
Liam collapses behind the table. No one notices. Seven of
Nine continues with her technogarbage monologue.
SEVEN OF NINE
...and If the beam holds at the
correct matrix, the storm should
force the ships to surface.
JANEWAY
Wonderful plan, Seven.
Bippo is still checking out Sevens boobs.
BIPPO
They sure are.
ARTURO
Let's get our people out of there,
captain. I hate to think of what's
going on there or what horrible
thing is happening to Donner and
Thad.
INT. SESKA'S CABIN
Seska and Thad are in bed. Seska is smoking.
SESKA
You were wonderful.
THAD
Glad you noticed. It's amazing
what being made ten years younger
will do for you.
Seska gets on her side and starts playing with Thad's chest
hairs.
SESKA
You were an animal!
THAD
(beat)
If only you knew.
There is a knock at the door.
SESKA
Oh, SH*T! It's Cullah!
Seska kicks Thad out of the bed, grabbing the sheets to cover
herself. Thad looks around for something and picks up a
vase. He looks at it, shakes his head, and picks up a bigger
vase. He holds it over himself as Cullah enters!
CULLAH
SESKA! I CAN'T believe THIS!!!
SESKA
M-Mage C-C-Cullah, I-I-I-I can
explain!
CULLAH
That fool actually told me how to
conquer Voyager!
SESKA
It's not what it...
(a beat)
What?
CULLAH
Look!
He hands her the pad.
CULLAH
All we have to do is disable the
Fraginstan Compensator. And destroy
the frenelflaz array then Voyager
will be ours!
He looks over at Thad who is standing there holding a vase
between his legs.
CULLAH
Ah, I see you are torturing the
human the way you torture my second
officer every morning and night and
sometimes after lunch.
Seska is reading the padd.
SESKA
Shut up, Cullah! Don't you see
that we have it!? Now, we can
conquer Voyager and it will be ours
for the taking!
THAD
You guys sure do say that a lot.
The ship shakes. Cullah hits his communicator.
CULLAH
BRIDGE! What's going on!?
VOICE
(over comm)
The ship has become caught in some
sort of atmospheric disturbance!
If we don't surface soon, we will
be destroyed!
CULLAH
Begin accent, I will be there
shortly!
Cullah turns to Seska and smiles.
CULLAH
Kill the hostages.
We hear the sound of a vase break. Cullah looks at Thad off
screen.
CULLAH
(impressed)
Wow.
Cullah leaves. Seska looks at Thad, points a phaser at him
and shrugs.
SESKA
(sighs)
Tough sh*t.
INT. VOYAGER BRIDGE
Everyone is at their station. Bippo is cradled in Seven of
Nine's arms.
TUVOK
The nanoprobes had the desired
effect, Captain. The Kazon ships
are surfacing.
JANEWAY
Target engines and weapons only and
I mean THEIR engines and weapons
this time!
KIM
I shoot our own ship ONCE and you
never let me forget it!
JANEWAY
Fire!
EXT. SPACE
Voyager's phasers unleash a volley on one of the surfacing
Kazon ships. The other ship swoops behind Voyager and fires.
INT. VOYAGER BRIDGE
As before. Ship shakes.
LIAM
What happened? What happened?
TUVOK
Minor damage to deck 4 and 5 and
the coffee maker is off line!
JANEWAY
(grows angry)
THOSE BASTARDS!!! Enough of this
pansy ass shoot to wound crap! I
WANT BLOOD!!!
Janeway walks over and knocks Tuvok out of the way with a
mighty swoop of her hand. As Tuvok falls to the ground,
green blood trickling from his mouth, Janeway takes over
Tactical.
Torres looks at Paris.
TORRES
(whispers)
THAT time of the month.
Janeway presses the fire button.
JANEWAY
Eat THIS you BASTARDS!!!
EXT. SPACE
Voyager's phasers blow a hole into one of the Kazon Ships.
It explodes in a huge fireball.
INT. VOYAGER BRIDGE
As before. Bippo leaps from Seven of Nine's arms into
Janeway's.
BIPPO
Can I call you Aunt Kathy?
ARTURO
(scratches chins)
Curious.
INT. KAZON BRIDGE
Cullah watches in anger as the other Kazon ship explodes.
CULLAH
They blew up the other ship! Those
DICKS! Prepare to disable the
fraginstan compensator and disable
thr triaxilating frenelflaz array!
INT. KAZON CORRIDOR
Thad and Donner are being led down the corridor by an armed
Seska. It's painfully obvious that Thad is still pretty much
naked.
DONNER
(whispers)
Don't you think that this would be
a good time to...
He motions to Seska with his head.
DONNER
You know?
THAD
I can't.
DONNER
(shocked)
WHAT!? Why not!?
THAD
I don't know! I must be distracted
or something.
DONNER
Distracted by what!? I mean, what
could...?
A beat. Donner looks at Thad, then at Seska, then at Thad,
then at Seska.
DONNER
Oh... NO!
Thad smiles in embarrassment.
DONNER
You and her?
THAD
Yep.
DONNER
You did the rumpy-pumpy with
Princess Lay-Me back there?
THAD
Yeah, so?
DONNER
You know, I was VAGUELY curious why
you didn't have any clothes on, but
now I see the whole saudry picture
taking shape! You bumped uglies
with psycho bitch!
THAD
So what?
SESKA
Quiet! Both of you!
DONNER
So WHAT!? So wh... SO now that
you drained your bone with
Barbraella I'M going to die because
you're too DISTRACTED to wolf out
and eat the bitch!
SESKA
Silence!
THAD
Okay, so I made one little mistake!
DONNER
And it REALLY pisses me off because
I was stuck with great, grody, and
gruesome back in that torture place
and you were knocking boots with
space chick!
SESKA
I'm warning you...
THAD
All right, Donner... You're really
getting on my nerves?
DONNER
Well, considering I'm about to be
KILLED because you and mini-you
wanted to have a good time and rub
pelvises with Sergeant Slaughter
back there, I'd say it's a FAIR
TRADE!!!
Donner and Thad stop and glare at each other. Seska stands
behind them wondering what will happen next.
THAD
Donner, I'm warning you!
DONNER
If you could still wolf out, we'd
be home free by now, but noooooo...
YOU had to do the humpty dance with
the Cardassian chick!
THAD
If you don't shut up, I'm going
to... I'm going to...
DONNER
Do what? Or should I say, Do
WHO!!!???
THAD
If you don't shut up, I'm going to
do something like this!
POW!!! Thad rams his fist into Seska's face. Seska falls
backwards in a heap. Donner picks up her gun. Thad grabs
his fist in pain.
DONNER
Those little boney protrusions
hurt?
THAD
Well, that's what SHE said.
DONNER
(elated)
Hee Hee! We're alive!
Donner and Thad hug.
DONNER
(realizes)
I'm hugging a naked dude.
DONNER & THAD
GAH!
Donner and Thad jumps back in disgust. They stand there for
a few beats.
DONNER
(little lower voice than
usual)
So, you catch that ball game?
THAD
(same deep voice)
Yeah... Yeah. Nice cheerleaders.
DONNER
(deep voice)
Great cans.
THAD
(deep voice)
I like their hoo-hoos.
DONNER
(normal)
Okay, let's go!
The start to run down the corridor.
THAD
What about all that stuff I heard
about you telling Cullah how to
capture Voyager?
DONNER
No worries, horn dog! I just made
all that crap up!
INT. VOYAGER BRIDGE
Everyone is thrown around as a new explosions rock the ships.
BIPPO
Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a
twister! It's a twister!
Stations explode. Shrapnel magically passes through Janeway
and Chakotay as the station behind them erupts in flames
shredding several ensigns.
CHAKOTAY
Ensign Deadmeat! Ensign Numbersup!
Ensign Futurecorpse! Ensign
Imgoingtodieahorribledeathonanaway
issonorwhenastationimatexplodes!!!
(to camera)
He's Dutch.
LIAM
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!???
TUVOK
The Kazon just disabled the
fraginstan compensator and
destroyed the triaxilating
frenelflaz array!
JANEWAY
Oh no, not the fraginstan
compensator the triaxilating
frenelflaz array!
KIM
Oh no! Not the fraginstan
compensator and triaxilating
frenelflaz array!
(a beat)
Hey, Captain? What's the
fraginstan compensator and
triaxilating frenelflaz array?
JANEWAY
They're pieces of equipment on a
starship so sophisticated and top
secret that even I don't know what
they do, but what I do know is that
they're the only thing on the ship
that keeps it from being taken
over!
ARTURO
You mean...?
BIPPO
We're boned?
JANEWAY
Yes, we are very boned.
Dozens of armed Kazon begin transporting onto the bridge.
JANEWAY
Intruder alert! We will FIGHT till
the last! CHAAAAAAAARGE!!!!
CHAKOTAY
FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!
Everyone locks into bloody and mortal combat. Throughout the
battle, we see a body part - an arm, a leg, or head - fly up
into the air. Bippo has his chainsaw and jumps into the fray.
Liam gets up on top of the command chair and holds his hands
up in the air.
LIAM
STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!!
Everyone stops and looks at Liam.
LIAM
That's better. For goodness sakes,
people... LOOK AT YOURSELVES!!!
The Voyager crew and the Kazon take out little compact
mirrors and look at themselves.
LIAM
Not like that! I mean, why are you
fighting? Why are you doing this?
There's no reason too! You're not
in the Delta Quadrant anymore!
You're not even in your own reality
any more. You...
The ship shakes. Paris leans over and checks his console.
PARIS
Borg again.
JANEWAY
Blow them up.
PARIS
(presses button)
Done.
LIAM
Like I was saying, why can't the
two of you get along? I mean...
You Kazon want technology You're
going to need the help from Voyager
officers to operate it properly!
You people from Voyager need repair
parts? ASK THE KAZON! They're
born scavengers THEY CAN HELP!!!
Liam hops off the command chair and makes his way through the
crowd to Janeway and Cullah who still have their hands on
each other's throats.
LIAM
Guys, you can make this work if you
believe and try!
Janeway and Cullah look at each other and let each other go.
JANEWAY
I... Guess he's right?
ARTURO
AMAZING!
CULLAH
Yes, Captain Janeway... Perhaps the
amusing looking one has a point.
Now that both our people are cut
off from our... Uh... people, we
can be mutually beneficial!
JANEWAY
I agree, Mage Cullah!
CULLAH
Peace then!
Janeway takes Cullah's hand and shakes it.
JANEWAY
Peace!
Suddenly the ship is shaken again.
JANEWAY
Borg AGAIN?
Paris checks.
PARIS
No, it's...
In the middle of the bridge, there is a flash of white light
and suddenly TWO MEN in roman robes and laurels stand. These
are OML #1 and OML #2.
OML #1
Gaze on our greatness, small
pitiful ones! We are the OML! The
Omnipotent Meddling Life-forms of
the Galaxy! You know it's true
because we are dressed like Romans!
OML #2
Say, I'm famished! Do any of you
have any thing to eat?
As if on cue, Neelix enters with a tray full of Hor'devores.
NEELIX
Bon appetite!
JANEWAY
What do you want?
OML #1
We came to tell you just how
DISAPPOINTED we are in you!
LIAM
Do what?
OML #1
Well, we take all of the trouble
reading the mind of this human...
(he points at Liam)
...to create two opposing forces
that would battle for our amusement
and what do YOU do? You make
peace! You make me want to puke!
OML #2
(to Neelix)
Say, these are delicious! Could I
have the recipe?
LIAM
Whoa! You mean you guys created
Voyager and the Kazon when you read
my mind?
ARTURO
It WOULD explain why everyone on
this ship was acting like an
unstable blithering idiot.
OML #1
We OML are a fickle lot
and enjoy watching others suffer for
our amusement.
CHAKOTAY
That's barbaric!
OML #1
Yes... But now we have a dilemma...
What to do with you now that you
refuse to fight?
CULLAH
That's right!
He takes Janeway's hand.
CULLAH
The Kazon and Federations are
allies now!
Janeway takes her hand away and wipes it on Cullah's
shoulder.
OML #1
Well, I suppose we'll just have to
hold you both prisoner for a couple
of hundred years and hope that your
descendents are a little more
willing to fight to the death.
The bridge is engulfed in a deep silence. OML #2 sighs.
OML #2
You just HAD to tell them that,
didn't you? Don't suppose I'll be
getting any more food now, will I?
Neelix shakes his head, takes the plate away, and even grabs
a morsel of food out of OML #2's mouth.
ARTURO
You CAN'T be serious! You're
going to hold us prisoner? You
can't do that!
OML #1
Oh, but we can! Oh, but we WILL!
We are superior! You are the
fungus that grows between our toes!
OML #2
Yeah, it would take at least twenty
normal humans to subdue one of us!
JANEWAY
I see... Commander, quick count.
How many people are on the bridge
right now?
TUVOK
About sixty.
JANEWAY
I see...
(a beat)
GET THEM!!!
Everyone on the bridge piles on top of the two OMLs. Among
the hitting and smashing we hear the pitiful whines of the
OMLs.
OML #1
Ow! Ow! Not in the face!
OML #2
Hey! Don't tear the robe! Not the
robe!
OML #1
You just HAD to tell them that,
didn't you!
OML #2
OW! SHUT UP!!!
OML #1
Hey! That's not supposed to bend
that way!
OML #2
Oh, GOD! IT HURTS!
OML #1
Oh, the pain! The pain!
FADE TO:
INT. VOYAGER TRANSPORTER ROOM
Janeway, Chakotay, Seven of Nine, Liam, Arturo, and Bippo are
bidding good-bye to Cullah and his Kazon.
CULLAH
It's been a pleasure fighting by
your side, Captain.
JANEWAY
Indeed... Now begins a new age for
both our people.
CULLAH
As soon as repairs to both vessels
are complete, we shall pool our
efforts to find a way back home.
JANEWAY
I look forward to it.
(to transporter chief)
Ensign Cadaver, energize.
The Kazon disappear in a transporter effect.
LIAM
Well, now that THAT'S over with,
why don't we see if we can find...
Thad and Donner appear on the transporter pad.
DONNER
We did it!
ARTURO
Donner! Thad!
BIPPO
How did you get back here?
LIAM
Where've you been?
SEVEN OF NINE
(to Thad)
Why are you naked?
THAD
(embarrassed)
Oh sure! NOW I meet Seven of Nine.
Janeway manages to stop staring at Thad.
JANEWAY
(stammers)
Er.. Um.. Uh... What's going on
here?
DONNER
It was awesome, captain Thad and I
used the last several hours to
sabotage the Kazon ship and
transport ourselves over here!
CHAKOTAY
But we're friends with the Kazon
now!
DONNER
Oops.
JANEWAY
What do you mean, "oops"?
The ship shakes.
KIM
(over comm)
Captain! The Kazon ship just
exploded. It was BITCHIN!
DONNER
Sorry. Taking a leak in their
antimatter pods SEEMED like a good
idea.
JANEWAY
Ah... No harm, no foul... They
smelled bad anyway, but we have a
problem now... The OMLs blew up
with them. Now, we're stuck here
forever and have to decide what to
do next!
SEVEN OF NINE
(looks at Thad's goods)
Is that appendage supposed to do
that?
Everyone looks.
JANEWAY
(impressed)
Wow.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG, STACY VaVOOM, DORIS, CHOCOLATE
TREAT, GARY THE FANBOY, TEMPUS, JOHNATHAN, and JESSE meet on
the front steps.
STACY
Anyone find any sign of them?
DORIS
I checked everywhere Liam would
hang out... The adult bookstores,
the Victoria's Secret... I didn't
find anything.
STACY
They've been missing for a week!
What if something's happened to
them?
Suddenly, there is a light from above. Everyone looks up.
JESSE
Great BEASTIES!!!
EXT. LAS VEGAS
Upda Creek Apartments are visible from a wider shot as the
STARSHIP VOYAGER descends from the clouds and sets down in
the middle of the street. Some jackass in a BMW screeches to
a stop and honks at it. Paris sticks his head out a window
and gives him the finger.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Everyone rushes to one of the giant landing legs in shock.
Stacy reaches out and touches it in amazement.
STACY
What...?
TEMPUS
I don't know. I've never seen
anything like it before.
GARY
It's the Starship Voyager.
Intrepid Class, maximum speed: warp
9.95, Fifteen decks, bionueral
circuitry... I saw every episode
this baby's been in... And I
complained about them endlessly the
day after... the disgrace the show
was!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Then why didn't you just not watch
it?
Gary looks at Chocolate Treat and shakes his head.
GARY
You just... Don't get it, do you?
Arturo, Liam, Donner, Thad, and Bippo materialize in a
transporter beam. Everyone rushes up to see them.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Liam!
DORIS
Bippo!
JOHNATHAN
(confused)
Thad?
STACY
Donner!
TRIUMPH
(to Arturo)
Tator tot!
STACY
Where have you guys been? Where's
Elvis? What...
LIAM
We'll explain later... It's a long
long story!
STACY
Liam... I though I'd lost you so I
want you to know, I'm glad that I
know you and... Even though I'm not
happy with how things worked out
and it still creeps me out, I'm
glad I found my brother.
LIAM
Thanks, sis.
Gary pulls Liam off his way.
GARY
(pointing to ship)
You wanna explain?
LIAM
I will, Gary.
Slowly, Voyager rises into the clouds and takes off into
space.
GARY
Where are they going!? I had so many
questions! So many things I wanted
to say and stuff I wanted to complain
about!
ARTURO
They were dragged from their own
galaxy into ours... We offered them
a chance to live here, but they
decided to do what was in their
blood.
STACY
What's that?
ARTURO
To boldly go where no one has gone
before.
Liam, Stacy, Arturo, Gary, and everyone else looks to
the sky as the camera zooms out.
EXT. SPACE
Voyager flies up from the surface of the planet and towards
the unknowns of space. The nacelles curve up and the ship
jumps to warp.
FADE OUT:
THE END
Before freepolls shut down my review-its, this episode scored a 4.5 out of 5.