THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.07 - "Cult-Tastropie!"
Written by Jason Donner
INT. A FUNERAL HOME
LIAM and BIPPO walk into a wake area where an open casket
waits. The room is empty and BIPPO is weeping
uncontrollably.
LIAM
Gee, Bippo. You're taking this
pretty hard.
BIPPO
(crying)
Jocko was the bestest clown that
there ever was and what happened to
him was a tragedy.
LIAM
Yeah... Who would have ever thought
that the high wire that held the
tightrope walking elephant for so
many years would have broken the
very moment that Jocko was playing
"The Entertainer" on the piano
below it?
BIPPO
Jokco's last note was sharp...
Then... He was flat. Jocko the
Clown, I salute you!
Bippo holds up a novelty clown horn and honks it.
BIPPO
And here's my favorite chainsaw to
hack and chop your way through that
big red tent in the sky... Or more
likely, underground.
Bippo places the chainsaw in the casket.
LIAM
Wow, Bippo. I know how much that
chainsaw means to you.
BIPPO
It's a symbol of my respect and, if
I ever want it back, I'll just dig
him up. Now, if you'll excuse me,
Liam, my mascara is running.
Bippo leaves weeping. Liam apprehensively looks at the
unseen corpse.
LIAM
He looks so lifelike. They even
managed to remove the piano keys
from his face.
OLD WOMAN
Excuse me.
Liam jumps in fright. The old lady watches him jump into the
air, waits, and waits, and waits, checks her watch, and waits
some more. Liam finally comes crashing to the floor.
LIAM
(getting up)
Sorry. I'm a bit jumpy.
OLD WOMAN
No kidding. I'm the owner.
LIAM
Of the funeral parlor?
OLD WOMAN
Funeral PARLOR is such a horrible
term. We much prefer to call them
Corpse Slabs.
LIAM
Is... There something you wanted?
OLD WOMAN
Yes, young man. I'm old...
Ancient, really... I sold my soul
to the devil a couple of decades
ago for immortality but he tricked
me and gave me eternal life without
eternal youth.
LIAM
That's TERRIBLE! What can I do?
OLD WOMAN
Well I'm the only one working here
today. If you don't mind, I need
to open that skylight up there.
She points to a skylight over the coffin.
LIAM
(confused)
That's it?
OLD WOMAN
I wouldn't ask otherwise, but an
inspector is coming and these
corpse slabs have to be well
ventilated or else we get shut
down.
LIAM
But what about the whole selling of
your soul thing?
OLD WOMAN
Eh, I just mention it for
conversation. Live and learn, I
suppose.
LIAM
The skylight, huh? All right, I
suppose you can count on me!
OLD WOMAN
Thanks, sonny! And if the devil
ever offers you anything for your
soul, for GOD'S sake, read the
contract at least once!
The old woman leaves. Liam reaches for the pull string and
begins to open the skylight. The pull string breaks.
LIAM
Oops.
Liam gets and chair and stands in it, but still can't reach
the skylight. He looks at the coffin, shakes his head, but
then looks back and shrugs.
LIAM
It's for an old lady.
Liam stands on top of the coffin, straddling the lid. He
grabs the skylight and pulls and pulls but it doesn't open.
Finally, with one mighty tug, the skylight opens and Liam
falls back into the coffin. The lid slams shut knocking him
on the head and sending him into unconsciousness.
The old lady reenters. Sees the skylight is open and smiles.
OLD WOMAN
What a nice young man.
SATAN appears behind her.
SATAN
(pleading)
Can I drag you to hell NOW?
OLD WOMAN
Nope, sorry. Not dead yet. You
should've read the contract.
SATAN
DRAT!
Satan vanishes in a puff of smoke.
OLD WOMAN
Sucker.
FADE TO:
INT. THE COFFIN
Liam awakens, turns around and sees the body of Jocko
underneath him. He goes ballistic banging on the lid and
screaming.
FADE TO:
EXT. A CEMETERY
Starting at a newly dug grave, the camera zooms back as
Liam's muffled screams echo out.
FADE OUT:
---
THEME SONG (Sung to the theme of "Green Acres")
Laaaaaaaas Vegas is the place to be.
Luuuuunatics as far as the eye can see.
Pits to hell open far and wide!
Zombies and ghouls and not a single place to hide!
Aaaaanywhere else is where I'd rather stay!
Somewhere safe is where I hope and pray!
I can't live without a starry Sky!
Screw Las Vegas! I really don't want to die.
The shows!
The ho's!
Wayne Newton!!
Gangs shootin'!
Now you are my wife...
Good-bye precious life!
LAS VEGAS WE ARE THERE!!!
(Suddenly, Siegfried and Roy's white tigers leap into the picture and devour the singers)
Ole!
---
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
and
John Rhys Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Also Starring
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
David Hopper
as
"Drew Fangtastic"
and
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
Guest Starring
Burt Reynolds
as
"The Cult Leader"
FADE IN:
EXT. A CEMETERY
Several hooded people tromp through the graves. These are
the CULT MEMBERS.
CULT MEMBER #1
I don't believe this! We've
sacrificed twenty chickens, ten
cats, and my brother Bob and we
STILL haven't accended to the
mothership!
CULT LEADER
Faith, child. For though the wait
is long, the payoffs from Marklar
will be enourmous.
CULT MEMBER #2
I don't know. Perhaps this whole
alternative religion thing is a
bust.
CULT MEMBER #3
Yeah! I mean, I just kinda joined
on a lark, you know? Sort of a way
to piss off my parents.
CULT LEADER
FAITH AND PATIENCE!!!
CULT MEMBER #1
Look, we've cut off our ties to
family, our ties to technology, and
even our balls for you and this
cult and what have YOU shown us!?
CULT LEADER
(more diplomatic)
Children, children, children... It
is only though the continuation of
our practices will we gain
everlasting life in the stars.
Why, when I was given the vision by
the alien known as Marklar, I
didn't believe it at first either,
but after...
The cult leader continues to speak as the camera zooms back
revealing a tombstone that says "JOCKO THE CLOWN, 1967-2001,
REMEMBERED, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN". Suddenly, DREW FANGTASTIC is
seen hiding behind the headstone.
DREW
Ah, cultists! I love the way they
taste! So misguided and swayed
with a dash of...
Suddenly, there is the muffled sounds of a chainsaw.
DREW
What the?
BLAM! The blade of the chainsaw rips out of the ground and
comes up between Drew's legs. Drew screams like a little
girly man attracting the attention of the CULT MEMBERS.
CULT MEMBER #2
Hey! Did you guys hear that?
CULT MEMBER #4
Sounds like a vampire that nearly
got his ying-yang cut off!
Drew has runs away screeching like a banshee. As the cult
members gather around the tombstone.
CULT MEMBER #1
Oh my God!
Liam pulls himself out of the grave and revs the chainsaw.
LIAM
Bippo, you is my hero!
CULT LEADER
(stunned)
Oh my Lord! What is your name!?
Liam hasn't noticed them until now. He turns around.
LIAM
What? Oh, Liam Smith. Here, do
something with this, would you?
Liam gives the cult leader the chainsaw and walks off. The
Cult Members look at the leader.
CULT LEADER
Don't you see what this means?
CULT MEMBER #3
No.
CULT MEMBER #2
No.
CULT MEMBER #4
No.
CULT MEMBER #1
Yes. Uh, I mean... No.
CULT LEADER
This man... This Liam Smith has
risen from the grave! He is the
messiah! HE is the one we've been
waiting for!
CULT MEMBER #1
You mean...!?
CULT LEADER
Yes, Liam Smith is our ordained
Lord! The messiah! The son of
God!
CULT MEMBER #1
Then why does it say "Jocko the
Clown" on the tombstone.
CULT LEADER
HERETIC!!!
Cult Member #1 is stoned by the others.
CULT LEADER
He IS the messiah! BEHOLD HIS
CHAINSAW!
CULT MEMBERS
BEHOLD THE CHAINSAW!!!
CUT TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
THAD and Bippo are on the couch when DREW enters.
DREW
(terrified)
LIAM! YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT...
A beat. He looks around.
DREW
Where's Liam?
BIPPO
Don't know. He ditched me at the
funeral home.
DREW
I won't ask.
Thad whispers in Bippo's ear.
THAD
This is great! Since I was deaged
in the Bahamas, Drew won't
recognize me and he won't kick my
ass.
DREW
Hi Thad. Deaged, huh?
THAD
What!? How did you...?
DREW
Please... I can recognize the
pungent scent of a werewolf for
miles and YOU, my fiend, have a
distinctive aroma that smells
somewhat like burning hair and ass.
Thad sniffs his armpits as Liam enters.
BIPPO
Where in the ding-dong-diddly hell
have YOU been? I waited HOURS for
you in the Corpse Slab and finally
had to walk home.
LIAM
Oh, I'm sorry Bippo... I only got
KNOCKED OUT, THROWN IN A COFFIN,
AND BURIED ALIVE!!!
BIPPO
It's always excuses with you!
DREW
You didn't happen to have a
chainsaw, did you?
LIAM
Yeah, so?
Drew gets pissed and advances on Liam. Suddenly, the
doorbell rings.
THAD
I'll get that. I'm farthest from
the door.
Thad answers the door. Revealing all the CULT MEMBERS and
CULT LEADER.
THAD
Yes?
CULT LEADER
Are you the messiah?
THAD
No, I'm the werewolf.
CULT LEADER
BEHOLD THE WEREWOLF!
CULT MEMBERS
BEHOLD THE WEREWOLF!
CULT LEADER
We're looking for Liam Smith. We
want to worship him and follow his
word.
THAD
Hm. Everybody needs a hobby.
(to Liam)
It's for you.
Liam goes to the door.
LIAM
(to Cult Leader)
Yes, can I help you?
CULT LEADER
"Can I help you?" The messiah's
first words! He wants to HELP US!
LIAM
I beg your pardon?
CULT LEADER
He begs! He is humble! We should
all be as humble as he!
LIAM
What do you mean? Who are you
people?
CULT LEADER
I am the cult leader and this is
the cult formerly known as
Heavens's Sliding Door, now known
as Liam's Gate.
LIAM
Hey, isn't that a funny
coincidence? MY name is Liam too!
THAD
(whispering)
Liam, I think these guys want to
worship you.
LIAM
What? Why?
CULT LEADER
Why indeed!
(to Cult Members)
Do you see his humility! He
doesn't know why he should be
worshiped!
LIAM
Really, I don't know, I mean... Why
me?
CULT LEADER
Why you? Why, Lord Liam, you are
the messiah! The son of God! The
one we've been waiting for over six
or seven months!
LIAM
Huh? Look, you guys. This is all
fun and stuff, but I've had a lousy
day so go play somewhere else,
okay?
Liam slams the door.
CULT LEADER
(through door)
But you gave me the holy chainsaw!
BEHOLD THE CHAINSAW!
CULT MEMBERS
(through door)
BEHOLD THE CHAINSAW!
LIAM
(to others)
You believe that stuff?
DREW
Ah, cults... Now that brings back
some memories. Why, back in '53 I
had a cult grow up around me.
LIAM
How did you deal with it?
DREW
I ate them. Slowly. One by one.
Told the survivors is was a
sacrifice or some such rubbish.
LIAM
Well, that option isn't open for
me.
BIPPO
Why don't you get Thad to eat them?
DREW
Yeah, that's it! Thad will eat
anything and anyone!
LIAM
Not anymore he won't. Not since he
became a good werewolf.
DREW
(sneers)
Good werewolf? What's next? Some
gigantic ancient evil space borne
entity set on destroying all life
on Earth?
There is a beat as everyone looks at the camera. ARTURO
enters.
ARTURO
I don't suppose that any of you can
explain the ocean of people
congregating outside in the parking
lot and sacrificing livestock, can
you?
LIAM
Huh?
Liam goes to the window and looks out.
CULT MEMBERS
BEHOLD THE MESSIAH!
Liam shuts the curtains.
LIAM
There must be thousands!
ARTURO
Hundreds of thousands!
BIPPO
One million six hundred thousand
and five hundred and seventy three.
That's accounting for one tribble
multiplying after a gestation
period of...
ARTURO
WHAT'S GOING ON!?
DREW
Liam's started his own cult! I'm
so proud of him!
ARTURO
You did WHAT!?
LIAM
I didn't mean to! It just
happened!
THAD
Mount Saint Helens just happened,
this is... Well, LOOK!
Arturo sticks his head out the window.
CULT MEMBERS
(in unison)
Who are you?
ARTURO
I'm the landlord.
CULT MEMBERS
(in unison)
BEHOLD THE LANDLORD!
Arturo shuts the window.
ARTURO
I want these people gone, Smith!
LIAM
What am I supposed to do?
ARTURO
Gee... I don't know... You have a
homicidal clown, a werewolf, and a
vampire from hell at your disposal.
Figure it out, you blistering
Idiot!
LIAM
You want me to... Kill them?
ARTURO
No, I want Thad, Drew, and Bippo to
kill them giving you and me total
deniability.
Bippo jumps up.
BIPPO
Sounds good to me!
LIAM
Sit down, Bippo!
Bippo sits. Stacy enters.
STACY
Have you guys seen what's going on
out there? It almost as if Liam's
inspired some sort of cult or
something!
Stacy looks out the window.
CULT MEMBERS
(in unison)
Who are you?
STACY
I'm Liam's sister.
CULT MEMBERS
(in unison)
BEHOLD THE SISTER!
Stacy shuts the window.
STACY
Liam, what did you do?
LIAM
Jeez, crawl out of ONE grave...
BIPPO
Well, I've had enough. I'll be
back in a little while. Liam, have
you got any Kool-Aid?
LIAM
Check the pantry.
BIPPO
Grape?
LIAM
Cherry.
BIPPO
Eh, that'll do.
Bippo goes into the kitchen.
STACY
Liam, maybe you should...
SMACK
THAD
Ow!
LIAM
What?
THAD
Drew punched me in the face.
DREW
It was an accident. I have
torettes.
THAD
He does n--!
SMACK
THAD
OW! He did it again!
STACY
Thad, quit making fun of Drew's
torrettes!
THAD
But...
SMACK!
THAD
OW!
Bippo exits the kitchen and heads for the front door with a
couple of packages of kool-aid.
BIPPO
Be back in a jiff!
LIAM
Fine.
DREW
GAH!
ARTURO
What now?
DREW
Thad stuck me with a toothpick!
Don't you know how much wooden
pointy things sting?
LIAM
Thad, Drew... Don't make me
separate you two.
ARTURO
Perhaps if you give the cultists
what they want, they'll leave.
LIAM
Good idea!
(a blank stare)
What do they want?
ARTURO
Well, maybe if you let them see you
for a few minutes... Say a few
words. That sort of thing.
LIAM
You think that'll work?
ARTURO
No, but the result should be quite
interesting.
Liam opens the window.
CULT MEMBERS
BEHOLD LORD LIAM!
LIAM
(nervous)
Uh... Hi.
CULT MEMBERS
(in unison)
Hi.
LIAM
How are you guys doing?
CULT MEMBERS
(in unison)
Just fine. How about you?
LIAM
Oh, I'm fine.
CULT MEMBERS
(in unison)
That's good to know.
LIAM
So, I guess you guys want me to say
a few words, right?
CULT MEMBERS
(unison)
Oh, yes! That would be swell!
LIAM
All right... Uh, first of all, you
should be nice to each other.
CULT MEMBERS
(unison)
Be nice to each other.
LIAM
Make the world a better place.
CULT MEMBERS
(unison)
Make the world a better place.
LIAM
Be individual thinkers!
CULT MEMBERS
(unison)
Be individual thinkers.
LIAM
(a beat)
You're just repeating everything I
say, aren't you?
CULT MEMBERS
(unison)
Just repeating everything I...
(a beat, caught)
Yes, we are.
Liam shuts the window.
LIAM
This is impossible!
DREW
Yep, looks like you've really
screwed up!
STACY
Oh, get off it, Drew! Don't tell
me that in over a century YOU'VE
never done anything YOU regret!
Drew thinks.
DREW
Hmm...
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
GERMANY - 1919
Drew is having drinks with ADOLF HITLER
DREW
No, I'm telling you! You should go
into politics! I mean, come on..
as an artist, you suck! You've got
quite a commanding attitude and I'm
sure you could turn this stinkhole
of a country around!
HITLER
You think?
DREW
Trust me. You won't regret it!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
ENGLAND - 1975
Drew is having drinks with JOHN LENNON
JOHN LENNON
I don't know...
DREW
No, listen. You and Yoko need to
get out of here. I hear that New
York's nice.
JOHN LENNON
Yeah, but isn't there a lot of
crime over there?
DREW
Nah, they've really got the place
cleaned up!
JOHN LENNON
All right, mate! You sold me!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
ALASKA - 1991
On the Exxon Valdez, Drew and CAPTAIN HAZELWOOD are drunker
than hell singing drinking songs. Suddenly, there is a
crunch and they both stop as millions of gallons of oil burst
out of the ship. Drew looks around in shock.
DREW
Gotta go!
Drew changes into a bat and flies away.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
LIAM'S APARTMENT
As before. Drew is thinking.
DREW
No. I can't think of anything.
Bippo reenters with a jug of kool-aid.
BIPPO
Liam, have you got any rat poison?
LIAM
Yeah, in the pantry behind the
canned tuna.
BIPPO
Thanks! Got any coffee?
LIAM
Yeah, help yourself.
Bippo walks into the kitchen.
ARTURO
(to Liam)
Perhaps if you just tell them to go
away?
LIAM
You think that would work?
Bippo walks by with the kool-aid, rat poison, and coffee
grounds.
BIPPO
Maybe, but it wouldn't hurt to have
another alternative.
Bippo exits. Liam goes to the window and opens the curtains.
CULT MEMBERS
BEHOLD THE MESSIAH!
LIAM
Yeah, yeah, yeah... Listen, can you
people just go home now? I mean, I
don't want to be rude or anything,
but you're all a bunch of dumbasses
and you're starting to block
traffic.
The Cult Leader climbs in through the window and stands next
to Liam.
CULT LEADER
But you are the one we've been
waiting for! The one Marklar told
of.
LIAM
Who the hell is Marklar?
CULT LEADER
Marklar is an alien priest from the
twelfth planet of the Unridian
System, part of the Federation of
Bliss... An interstellar
organization dedicated to the
betterment of the universe.
LIAM
And this relates to me.... How?
CULT LEADER
Marklar told me in a vision that we
should follow the one who came from
the ground. You came from the
ground, so we follow you.
LIAM
But I'm NOT the messiah!
CULT LEADER
Only the true messiah would deny
that he was the messiah.
LIAM
Okay, then I am the messiah.
(out the window)
I AM THE MESSIAH!
CULT MEMBERS
You ARE!?
LIAM
(yelling)
YEAH! NOW, F-(BLEEP!)-K OFF!!!
Liam slams the window shut.
LIAM
(to cult leader)
You too. Beat it!
CULT LEADER
Soooo... You're saying your not the
Messiah, huh?
LIAM
(exasperated)
NO!
CULT LEADER
Well, why didn't you say so? I
mean, it's not like we LIKE
following total strangers around or
anything. Why, I think it's rather
rude of you to--
Stacy, Drew, and Thad are looking out the window.
THAD
Uh, Liam?
CULT LEADER
(continuing)
--string us along like that! I
mean, seriously! If you weren't
the messiah--
STACY
Guys, I really think that you
should look at this.
CULT LEADER
(continuing)
--you would mention it.
LIAM
Of for God's sake... I DID TELL
YOU!!!
DREW
Mates, I think you should look
outside. Now.
Liam and the Cult Leader look at each other and then out the
window.
LIAM
What the...!?
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Thousands of cultists lie dead in the parking lot. Bippo is
handing out Kool-Aid to the surviving members.
BIPPO
(handing glass to cultist)
No, it's all right. It's SUPPOSED
to fizz and crackle like that and
the puffs of smoke that look like
skulls are perfectly natural.
CULT MEMBER
Well... Okay.
The Cult Member takes a sip and falls over dead.
BIPPO
Like fish in a barrel.
FADE TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Bippo is standing there looking all proud of himself drinking
a thermos of coffee. Liam, Cult Leader, Thad, Arturo, Stacy,
and Drew are looking out the window in awe.
EVERYONE
Awe!
CULT LEADER
They're all dead! Every last one
of them! I can't believe it!
ARTURO
Pretty overwhelming, isn't it?
CULT LEADER
No, I can't believe that they all
died without me having ordered it.
LIAM
Well, I hope you've learned today
that a cult that deprives you of
your rights and insists that you
follow the ideals of one person is
never a good thing.
BIPPO
Well, I tell you what I'VE learned!
Rat poison mixes much better with
cherry kool-aid than grape. I'll
have to send that recipe back to my
dear old mom.
CULT LEADER
Why YOU!
The cult leader goes for Bippo's throat, but is stopped when
a brilliant white light appears in the window.
DREW
What the...!?
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
A giant spaceship hovers over the complex.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
As before. The Alien MARKLAR appears in the middle of the
room.
MARKLAR
Greetings, I am Marklar.
BIPPO
Oh, hey Marklar. Boy I'm glad you
showed up! This guy hasn't been
able to keep his piehole shut about
you.
MARKLAR
I see my instructions were carried
out. Marklar is pleased.
LIAM
Instructions?
CULT LEADER
But... I don't understand! You
said to follow the man who came out
of the ground and he would aid us
to the light.
MARKLAR
No, you must have mis-heard me. I
said "follow the man dressed like a
clown and he will give you kool-aid
that will make you go night-night."
Everyone looks at Bippo.
BIPPO
I'M as shocked as YOU are!
MARKLAR
As we speak, the souls of all the
dead cultists are being vacuumed
into our vessel.
CULT LEADER
WAIT! Let me go with you.
MARKLAR
Very well, I suppose we could
always use a snack.
CULT LEADER
What did you say?
Marklar grows enormous fangs and devours the Cult Leader
whole. He belches, waves good-bye, and vanishes.
DREW
Oh... THOSE guys.
LIAM
What?
DREW
Eh, they come around every few
years, convince a few dozen people
to adopt them as a religion, then
eat their lifeforces.
STACY
Wow, that sucks.
DREW
Yeah... Jamestown, the Mary
Celeste, the cast of MTV's The State...
They got 'em all.
LIAM
Wow, is there some way to stop
them?
DREW
Probably... But who cares really?
If you get visions of a weird alien
named Marklar, just don't do what
we says.
LIAM
I think that's a given, wouldn't
you think?
STACY
Yeah, but I can't help but wonder
who Marklar will trick next.
INT. A BEDROOM
CHOCOLATE TREAT sleeps peacefully with one of those masks
over her eyes. Suddenly, the voice of MARKLAR can be heard.
MARKLAR
CHOCOLATE TREAT! HEAR ME!
Chocolate Treat wakes up.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Who dat?
MARKLAR
Follow my heed, and you will be
worshipped as none other!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Honey, I'm all ready worshipped
like none other. Ain't that right,
boys?
Chocolate Treat turns on the light revealing the quivering
forms of EDDIE MURPHY, KEVIN SORBO, GARY COLEMAN, RICKY
MARTIN, MARK WALBURG, and K.D. LANG.
EVERYONE
Yes, master!
MARKLAR
Oh... Well, sorry to bother you
then.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
No harm, sweetie.
Chocolate Treat reaches over and turns off the light sending
the room into total darkness. There is the sound of a
bullwhip and several shrill screams.
THE END
ROLL CREDITS