EXT. A GOTHIC CASTLE - NIGHT
Outside the gothic stone structure, we see many pale-faced
VAMPIRES gathered about for some kind of meeting. A limo
drives up to the front gates.
SUBTITLE: "TRANSYLVANIA, 64th STREET"
A steely woman steps out of the castle gates she is MOTHER
SUCKER, the queen mother of all vampires. She addresses her
right hand man, LaSTAT, played by Tom Cruise.
MOTHER SUCKER
Quite a fruitful meeting, wouldn't
you say, LeStat?
LESTAT
Indeed. We should have more
meetings of the worlds most
influential vampires more often.
The driver of the limo opens the door for Mother Sucker.
DRIVER
Your limo, Mother Sucker.
Mother Sucker stops.
MOTHER SUCKER
I HATE that title.
They get in the limo. The driver walks around to the drivers
side, but a dark shadow grabs him and drags him into the
bushes.
INT. THE LIMO
Mother Sucker and LeStat continue to talk, unaware of what
has just happened to the driver.
LESTAT
One thing we didn't discuss in the
meeting was the Drew Fangtastic
situation.
MOTHER SUCKER
Fangtastic is a minor concern.
LESTAT
But if the rumors we've been
hearing are true...
MOTHER SUCKER
Then he is a fool. Now, let's
waste no more time on him.
The limo begins to move.
LESTAT
Very well. What of the Justice
Squad? I hear that they're
actually making some sort of a
difference in the world now.
MOTHER SUCKER
Amazing, isn't it? Perhaps we
should place an operative in...
A pause.
MOTHER SUCKER
Wait a minute... This isn't the
road to Whataburger! Driver, where
are you taking us!?
LESTAT
...and What's that burning hair and
ass smell? It almost smells like
a...!
The driver rolls down the separation glass revealing that he
is...
MOTHER SUCKER
WEREWOLF!
LESTAT
DOOGAN KESSLER!
DOOGAN
Greetings, suckheads!
MOTHER SUCKER
You mongrel! How DARE you show
your flea-bitten face in
Transylvania You KNOW that this is
vampire country!
DOOGAN
Oh, blah... Blah... Blah... Unlike
you disgusting bloodsuckers, I
don't have eternity to wait so
let's just say I'm here to jump
start the clock a little on a
certain prophecy.
Doogan takes out a cross bow and fires two wooden stakes into
both vampires who writhe and scream and finally melt into
piles of dust. Smoke fills the cabin.
DOOGAN
HA! A few more assassinations like
that and maybe we'll see a little
more action! Next stop, Las Vegas!
Fumes from the dead vampires overtakes him.
DOOGAN
Whew! Something tells me they were
smoking more than just hams at that
banquet! Sheesh!
---
THEME SONG (TO "A MAN OF CONSTANT SORROW" FROM "O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?")
(Of constant sorrow. All through his days.)
I'm a wolfman of constant sorrow.
I chew my bone.
On God's golden shore.
I don't like things
that are made of silver.
I've got thick hair
and two large fangs.
(Of constant sorrow. Two big fangs.)
But I ain't the big
bad wolf.
I'm just a guy
With lycanthropy.
(Of constant sorrow. Lycanthropy.)
Ole!
---
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Also Starring
David Hopper
as
"Drew Fangtastic"
and
Betty White
as
"Doris Winchester"
Guest Starring
Barbara Streisand
as
"Mother Sucker"
and
Skeet Ulrich
as
"Doogan Kessler"
Unless otherwise noted, no celebrity endorses or supports THE LIAM SMITH SHOW. As a result,
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW believes it is time to rise up against the celebrities and kill them.
EXT. LAS VEGAS - NIGHT
High above the rooftops, we see Thad/Werewolf leaping and
running along side the buildings.
THAD (V.O.)
I've started to keep a journal. It
was Stacy's idea... Me, I never
picked up a book without a little
bunny logo on it much less wrote
one myself, but I figure why not
give it a shot. Here's the
skinny... I'm a thirty-four year
old high-school dropout who, until
recently, worked at Circus Circus.
I became a werewolf two years ago
and let me tell you, it was a real
inconvenience for me and I guess
all the people, pets, and livestock
I think I devoured. But that's all
behind me now... Now I'm ten years
younger, I'm in great shape, I work
as a handyman in a place I love and
for the first time, I'm in control
of the werewolf.
Thad/Werewolf stops on a ledge and looks down into an alley.
THAD (V.O.)
In fact, I've begun putting my
former disability to good use...
Patrolling the city and lending a
helping paw where I can.
In the alley below, DORIS is surrounded by three Johovia's
Witnesses offering religious brochures.
DORIS
HELP ME!!!
Thad/Werewolf leaps down into the alley and fends off the
Johovia's Witnesses who do backflips and take out nun-chucks
and throwing stars. Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" begins to
play as the JW's begin to attack in a parody of the fight
scenes in "Charlie's Angels" with unbelievable martial arts
that seem to suspend them in the air for impossibly long
amounts of time before they kick Thad/Werewolf in the face.
Thad/Werewolf attacks right back, but suddenly notices wires.
THAD/WEREWOLF
I knew it!
Thad/Werewolf takes out a pair of scissors and cuts the wires
sending the JW's falling to the ground.
JOHOVIA'S WITNESS #1
Gah! Don't hurt us!
THAD/WEREWOLF
I'm not going to hurt you.
JOHOVIA'S WITNESS #1
That's a relief.
THAD/WEREWOLF
But she will.
Doris kicks the JW's several times with her high-heels and
hits them with her purse. The JW's run off into the darkness
leaving a trail of brochures behind them. Thad/Werewolf
transforms back into Thad.
DORIS
Well, I must say I was lucky you
were sniffing about the area, kiddo
though I must admit I'm going to
miss the old you who would freak
out and just eat everyone for no
good reason.
THAD
So are a lot of people for some
reason. Sorry to disappoint you.
DORIS
Not at all. You coming home?
THAD
Nah, I'm going to roam around a
little more and make sure there
aren't any more of these Johovia's
Witness's wandering around. You
know how dangerous a mob of them
can get.
DORIS
Especially if they start slugging
back Piņa Coladas. All right, good
night Thad.
Doris walks away. Thad remains were he is.
THAD (V.O.)
Yep, everything seems to be going
my way... But if it is, why do I
have that funny feeling that
someone's watching me.
Doogan appears in the shadows.
DOOGAN
Hello Thad.
THAD (V.O.)
Oh.
THAD
Doogan?
DOOGAN
Look at you! Deaged and
everything. I also understand that
you've gained control of your
bestial self.
THAD
Hey, I don't know who you've been
talking to, but I've never EVER had
sex with an animal!
DOOGAN
(a beat)
W-What? No, moron! I mean you've
gained control of the werewolf!
THAD
Oh. Right. So. What are you
doing here?
DOOGAN
No need to sound suspicious, Thad.
I'm just here on business that
doesn't concern you. Despite
that... Unpleasantness that
occurred when we tried to bring you
into the pack...
THAD
You mean you trying to eat Liam?
DOOGAN
Yes, I...
THAD
And you confessing to making me a
werewolf and then trying to kill
me?
DOOGAN
Y-Yeah, listen...
THAD
And then that chick werewolf trying
to eat Stacy AND Liam?
DOOGAN
YES!
THAD
S'cool.
DOOGAN
Like I was saying, Thad. I just
came to check in on you and see how
you were progressing. I must say I
am impressed. Despite your
feelings for the brotherhood, we do
care about you.
THAD
Sweet. So, what are you in town
for?
DOOGAN
Business... Which brings me to my
second reason for coming to see
you. We like you Thad... despite
the fact that you broke from the
pack, we like you. So, the
brotherhood and I are offering this
one warning: For the next 6 hours,
stay out of our way.
THAD
Huh?
DOOGAN
Don't interfere.
THAD
With what?
DOOGAN
Just don't interfere, all right?
THAD
You're doing something bad, aren't
you?
DOOGAN
Ye... I mean, no! Look, just play
ball for the next six hours and
you'll be fine.
THAD
You want me to play ball?
DOOGAN
NO! Don't interfere
THAD
Are you starting a baseball team?
DOOGAN
Don't play games with me, Coffey!
THAD
But you just said you wanted me to
play ball! Should I bring a
certain color shirt or is it going
to be shirts verses skins?
Doogan's eye begins to twitch. He stares at Thad in
disbelief.
THAD
Did I just fart?
Doogan shakes his head and walks off.
THAD
Call me!
(a beat)
I'm beginning to think this has
nothing to do with sports at all!
THAD (V.O.)
Sometimes even being a controlled
werewolf sucks.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam and Bippo are watching Thad write in his journal.
THAD
(writing)
Maybe I'd better go to Liam's
apartment and figure things out.
LIAM
Thad, you've been writing in that
journal of yours for the last
thirty minutes. Why?
THAD
Well, I can't very well write in it
while I'm on patrol! I tried that
once and got hit by a bus!
BIPPO
(to Liam)
I suppose we shouldn't mention all
the spelling errors he made, then?
LIAM
So, Doogan Kessler and the
Brotherhood of the Pack are back in
town. What are they doing?
THAD
I talked to him... Sized up his
intentions and I came to the
conclusion that they are here to
start some sort of minor league
werewolf baseball team.
BIPPO
That's a relief. Las Vegas needs
some sort of semi-pro team.
LIAM
Uh, Thad... Don't you think that
they're here for anything... I
don't know, more sinister?
THAD
You mean... You think they're going
to throw a game or two for the
bookies?
LIAM
No, I mean... They are EVIL
werewolves, aren't they?
THAD
Well, sure... But evil werewolves
love a good game of baseball too.
LIAM
Sooo... What are you going to do?
THAD
The only thing I can do, Liam...
The only thing I can do.
Thad puts on a baseball cap, a glove, and picks up a baseball
bat.
LIAM
What are you doing?
THAD
I'm going to try out for the team!
Thad exits.
LIAM
You know, I'm beginning to wonder
if when he took control of the
werewolf, he didn't let go of his
brain a little.
INT. BROTHERHOOD CASTLE
Doogan and the brotherhood are in their ceremonial robes
looking over a chart projected on the wall via an overhead
projector.
DOOGAN
As you can see, our operatives
around the world have assassinated
the most influential and important
vampire leaders. Only one
remains...
A picture of DREW FANGTASTIC appears.
DOOGAN
This filthy little tag-nut is
called Drew Fangtastic. He's
running some sort of underground
movement here in Las Vegas that
most of the upper echelon suck
heads don't even know about. We
take him out, and the vampire
community will have no choice but
to concede or to go to war and with
all the new werewolves in our
organization that rouge has been
suppling us with, there's no way
they can win! HA! HA! HA! I Don't
hear anyone laughing with me!
EVERYONE
HA! HA! HA! HAAAA!
DOOGAN
Better! All we have to do now is
find the little suckhead which
means I need teams of four
Patrolling the city twenty four
hours a day. It'll take weeks...
Maybe even months to find him, but
when we do, we'll deal with him and
have him dead faster than you can
say...
Thad enters.
THAD
Play ball!
DOOGAN
What the fu--!?
THAD
I'm here to try out for the team!
DOOGAN
What team!?
THAD
Your baseball team.
A pause.
DOOGAN
THERE IS NO BASEBALL TEAM,
DAMMIT!!!
THAD
Well then, what's going on here and
why do you have a picture of Drew
Fangtastic on your wall?
DOOGAN
That's none of your...
(a beat)
YOU know Drew Fangtastic?
THAD
Tuh! Yeah, unfortunately. I see
way too much of him.
Doogan jumps off his pedestal and runs over to Thad putting
his hands on his shoulders.
DOOGAN
Thad! Boobie! Buddy! Where have
you been all day?
THAD
Did you just call me "booby buddy?"
DOOGAN
I was just telling the other
brothers here how much I missed you
being in our little group.
THAD
You have?
DOOGAN
Of course we have! I tell you
what, how about we offer you a seat
on the Brotherhood council?
THAD
Huh?
DOOGAN
Honorary, of course. You know, as
an apology for the...
"Unpleasantness"
THAD
The what?
(a beat)
Oh, you mean you trying to eat Liam
and Stacy and then trying to kill
me?
DOOGAN
(sour)
Yes. That.
THAD
All right, but only if you promise
not to do it again.
DOOGAN
My word is my bond.
THAD
Okay... But aren't you going to
promise?
DOOGAN
(beat)
I... Promise, Thad.
None of us will eat Liam Smith,
Stacy VaVoom OR try to kill you.
THAD
Excellent.
DOOGAN
Now, tell us about this Drew
Fangtastic.
THAD
Well, he's British.
DOOGAN
Uh-huh.
THAD
And he's an asshole.
DOOGAN
That goes hand in hand, doesn't it?
THAD
And he hates werewolves.
DOOGAN
Given.
THAD
He has this really freaky little
goatee that almost makes him look
like trailer trash.
DOOGAN
Okay.
THAD
And he smells like a rotting
carcass on hot nights.
DOOGAN
Where does he live, though?
THAD
Live? Oh. In Liberache's tomb in
the cemetery.
DOOGAN
Perfect! Brotherhood! FALL OUT!
Doogan and the other members of the brotherhood run to the
door leaving Thad alone.
THAD
(to empty room)
So is the meeting over?
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
Professor Arturo, Bippo, Doris, and Liam are talking.
ARTURO
...and So, I won these tickets to
the opera, you know, the one
supposedly haunted by that phantom
fellow, and I can't find anyone to
take with me.
LIAM
Count me out. I've learned the
hard way that if you win anything,
especially tickets, you should
steer clear because SOMETHING bad
is going to happen.
BIPPO
Oh! Take me! I love opera!
ARTURO
You do?
BIPPO
Yeah, especially her book club.
ARTURO
That's Oprah, you ninny!
BIPPO
Well, what's the difference?
ARTURO
Oprah is the fat woman who stands
in front of an audience and goes on
endlessly about stuff no one
understands.
BIPPO
Again, what's the difference?
ARTURO
Gah!
DORIS
I have an idea, professor, why
don't I go with you? We can call
it a date!
ARTURO
A date? Madame, you're old enough
to be my mother!
DORIS
So? You're fat enough to be my
car.
LIAM
She's got you there, Herbie.
Thad enters.
BIPPO
Hey, hey Thaddy-kins. How'd the
baseball tryouts go?
THAD
It was the weirdest thing, guys.
LIAM
He's been explaining things for two
seconds, and I all ready know that
things are about to go South.
THAD
They just asked me a bunch of stuff
about Drew.
LIAM
Fangtastic?
THAD
No, Carrey... OF COURSE FANGTASTIC!
They found out that I know him, so
they asked me about all this stuff
like where he lives and where he
goes and stuff like that.
Gary the Fanboy appears behind Liam.
GARY
Be warned, my friends.
Everyone jumps.
ARTURO
Jeee-zus!
GARY
Sorry. I've been hung up on this
"mysterious man appears suddenly
and gives out advise" thing lately.
DORIS
Where'd you get a fool idea like
that?
GARY
Read it in an X Files parody, I
think. Speaking of the internet, I
think I know why the brotherhood
has been looking for Drew. I
checked out implausible
conspiracies dot com this morning
about found out that werewolves
have been hunting down and
murdering influential vampire
leaders. The Mother Sucker,
LeStat, Deacon Frost, Keifer
Sutherland, Count Chocula...
ARTURO
Why does should that bother any of
us? It's not like Drew's
influential or anything.
LIAM
He could be more influential than
we think, professor. None of us
really know what he's up to.
THAD
Crap. This means we've got to go
save him, doesn't it.
LIAM
'Fraid so.
THAD
Why does life mock me? Well, come
on guys, let's go save that walking
blood bag.
DORIS
We? Who's we? You got a turd in
your pocket? The professor and I
are off to the Opera.
Doris grabs the professor and drags him off.
BIPPO
The professor and Doris? You don't
think that's the next budding
relationship here, do you?
LIAM
God, I hope not.
INT. DREW'S PLACE
Drew is looks intently towards the camera.
DREW
I'm going to destroy you, do you
understand? I'm going to
obliterate you and your life will
be nothing but brief moments of
consciousness and unimaginable pain
that will make you wish for the
cold embrace of death.
The camera pans around to reveal Drew playing Super Mario
Brothers, fighting King Koopa.
DREW
You have terrorized the mushroom
kingdom for the last time, Koopa!
The doorbell rings.
DREW
Ah, my pizza is here... More
importantly, so is the pizzaboy.
Drew grins and heads for the door.
DREW
Who is it?
There's whispering outside.
DOOGAN
(through door)
Er... Telegram.
DREW
Telegram? I don't think so. Since
when are telegrams delivered to
tombs?
More whispering and silent arguing outside.
DOOGAN
(through door)
Publishers Clearing House.
DREW
Ha! Nice try! I've never even
entered in your idiotic drawing,
but just to be on the safe side,
you can slide any oversized check
you've got under the door.
More whispering and silent arguing outside.
DOOGAN
(through door)
Candygram.
DREW
What is this? Saturday Night Live?
More whispering and silent arguing outside.
DOOGAN
(through door)
Pack of werewolves.
DREW
Yeah right. Pull the other one.
EXT. THE TOMB
Doogan and several other of the Brotherhood are standing in
front of the door, quite frustrated.
DOOGAN
A clever one, this is.
A pizza boy appears.
PIZZA BOY
Do any of you know where I can find
a...
(reads order)
"Drew Fangtastic"?
Doogan grins.
INT. THE TOMB
Drew is still at the door listening.
DREW
Hello? Are you still out there?
DOOGAN
(through door)
Pizza.
DREW
Well, it's about bloody time!
Drew opens the door and Doogan and the Brotherhood rush
inside and grab him.
DREW
What the...!? What's going on!?
DOOGAN
Be quiet, Fangtastic.
DREW
Where's my pizza?
DOOGAN
We ate it.
DREW
Oh... Where's the pizza boy?
DOOGAN
We ate him too.
DREW
Well, dammit. All right, who are
you and what do you want? No, no,
let me guess... You're vampire
slayers or some such nonsense and
you want my head for some kind of a
trophy.
(sniff sniff)
Wait a minute... It's that burning
hair and ass smell one usually
associates with a...
DOOGAN
I believe the word you're looking
for is "werewolf".
DREW
Actually, "dog tampon" is what I
was going to say. So, Thad finally
wise up and hire professionals to
take me out? Bastard.
DOOGAN
This has nothing to do with Coffey,
suckhead. We're here to spark the
Vampire/Werewolf war.
DREW
That what?
DOOGAN
The prophesied final battle between
werewolves and vampires that will
decide who will rule the...
Drew starts laughing.
DOOGAN
What's so funny? Will someone
please explain the joke to me?
DREW
You idiot! The war's already
happened!
DOOGAN
What? YOU LIE!
DREW
I don't! Why do you think that
Transylvania is vampire country and
werewolves aren't allowed in? It's
because vampires fought off the
werewolves back before I was even
born!
DOOGAN
But it's prophesied in the werewolf
bible!
DREW
Yeah, is was prophesied, but now
that it's happened, it's part of
what we educated people call
history. Oops, I used words with
more than three syllables in them.
Did that confuse you?
Doogan can't believe it.
DOOGAN
Impossible! I was told all my life
that werewolves and vampires were
supposed to kill each other!
DREW
Yeah, over a homeland thousands of
miles away. Trust me, I've been
there and it's nothing to crow
about. It's dark, it's gray, it's
smelly...
DOOGAN
No matter. So what if the war is
over? I'm going to start it again
and TAKE BACK WHAT IS OURS!
DREW
Overact much?
Doogan begins to transform, as does the rest of the
Brotherhood.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Hold him, boys. I want my pound of
flesh.
Suddenly, Liam, Bippo, Gary, and Thad break through the door.
THAD
STOP! Don't kill Drew!
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Why not?
THAD
Uh...
Thad looks at the others for a reason. They just shrug.
LIAM
It doesn't matter why or why not!
You can't just kill someone just
because it was written in a book by
someone who's been dead for
centuries.
DREW
The guy who wrote my book is still
alive. I played canasta with him
last Wednesday.
LIAM
(through teeth)
You're not helping.
GARY
Wait! I've got an idea! Thad, the
Werewolf Bible has a contingency
plan we can use!
THAD
What are you doing reading the
Werewolf Bible?
GARY
You left it on the coffee table in
the lobby. Listen, tell Doogan
that you're challenging his
authority.
THAD
Okay...
(shouts)
DOOGAN! I'M CHALLENGING YOUR
AUTHORITY!
All the werewolves gasp.
THAD
(to Gary)
What does that mean, anyway?
GARY
You've just challenged Doogan's
place as Alpha Male of the werewolf
pack.
THAD
Cool beans.
(a beat)
Now what?
GARY
Now you'll fight him to the death
and the winner will take over the
pack.
THAD
Oh, well that would make... WHAT!?
WHAM! Doogan/Werewolf tackles Thad and the two tumble out
the door.
EXT. THE CEMETERY
Thad flies out the door and lands several feet away.
Doogan/Werewolf tears out of the tomb and stands over him.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
YOU FOOL! Challenge me, will you?
I'm a better werewolf than you
could ever be!
Thad leaps to his feet transformed into the werewolf.
THAD/WEREWOLF
Don't make me hurt you.
Doogan/Werewolf smacks Thad/Werewolf in the face with a
tombstone.
THAD/WEREWOLF
(dazed)
No, seriously, don't make me hurt
you!
Doogan attacks Thad again and the two of them tumble into the
street. Frightened onlookers run and scream for cover.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
You'll never beat me, Thad. We may
be evenly matched, we may both be
able to move at the same speed, and
hit just as hard... But unlike you
I FIGHT DIRTY!
Doogan kicks Thad in the balls. Thad grins and shrugs it of.
THAD/WEREWOLF
I know, that's why I wore a cup.
Thad kicks Doogan in the balls. Doogan falls backwards into
an open door.
INT. AN OPERA HOUSE
Arturo and Doris are sitting next to each other and both look
bored as Keanu Reeves sings a solo.
KEANU REEVES
Figa-whoa! Figa-whoa! Figa-whoa!
DORIS
You know, If I'd known that this
was an opera starring Keanu Reeves
as The Barber of Seville, I would
have passed.
KEANU REEVES
Yo, Figaro, dude!
ARTURO
He's just trying to expand his
horizons.
Suddenly, two fighting werewolves explode onto the stage.
KEANU REEVES
Whoa!
Liam, Bippo, Gary, Drew, and the other members of the
Brotherhood appear off stage as Doogan slams Thad's head to
the floor three or four times.
THAD/WEREWOLF
OW! OW! OW! STOP IT!
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
You're quiet the hard-headed oaf,
aren't you?
Doogan kicks him. Thad falls to the ground unconscious.
LIAM
THAD!
Liam goes to help, but one of the Brotherhood holds him back.
BROTHERHOOD MEMBER
No. We must allow them to finish
the fight. You will not be
allowed to interfere.
Doogan/Werewolf stands over Thad's body.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Ah, the fight is all but over...
But first...
(to Keanu)
One question. Have you finished
filming Matrix 3?
KEANU REEVES
Whoa, like totally shag man.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Good.
Doogan devours him.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Consider that a favor to all
humanity, you irritating unflavored
hack. Now, where was I? Oh yeah.
He holds up a prop spear.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
DIE THAD COFFEY!
He stabs Thad.
LIAM
THAD! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Doogan holds up the spear which has shattered in several
pieces.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Damn stage props. I guess I'll
just have to do this the old
fashioned way!
He prepares to rip Thad's heart out when all of the sudden, a
shadow overtakes him. He looks up just in time to see a
large set wall falling down on him. The wall flattens him,
but doesn't do any damage to Thad as he was lying where a
window cut-out landed. Doris is standing where the wall
stood.
DORIS
That'll teach you to ruin an
already crappy night at the opera!
Everyone is stunned. Thad wakes up and sees Doogan's clawed
hands poking out from under the wall.
THAD/WEREWOLF
Bitchin! I win!
BROTHERHOOD MEMBER
Ladies and Gentlemen, we've got a
new leader! Someone who will lead
our pack into a new age!
THAD/WEREWOLF
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
BROTHERHOOD MEMBER
Let us pay tribute to our new
leader!
The Brotherhood go over to Doris and bow in respect.
THAD/WEREWOLF
WHAT! HER!?
DORIS
Huh?
BROTHERHOOD MEMBER
She is the one who defeated Doogan.
She is our new master.
Thad changes back.
THAD
But she's not even a werewolf!
She's an old wrinkly old woman! I
mean, look at her! Her body looks
like Reagan's neck!
DORIS
Good one, Thad.
BROTHERHOOD MEMBER
Doesn't matter. She beat our
leader... That makes her our new
leader.
DORIS
But I've never been leader of a
pack of evil werewolves before!
Arturo walks over and whispers something in her ear.
DORIS
Oh, hey! Goog idea, fat boy. All
right, brother-nuts. Listen up.
From now on, there isn't going to
be any of this covert ops,
assassination, and manipulation of
government crap you've all been
doing. From now on, you're going
to help build playgrounds for
underprivileged kids and build
housing for the homeless. You're
going to recycle aluminum and paint
over gang tags. You're going to
help make this world a better
place.
One of the brotherhood raises his paw.
DORIS
Yes?
BROTHERHOOD MEMBER
And where does world domination
come into all of this?
DORIS
It doesn't.
BROTHERHOOD MEMBER
Oh.
DORIS
Now, get to work!
The Brotherhood shuffle out the door.
BROTHERHOOD
(mumbling)
I guess we could start cleaning up
the graffiti on 27th. You know,
I've always wanted to build a
playground. Can we donate to the
Red Cross? Do you think they'd
like that?
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam, Thad, Drew, Bippo, Doris, and Arturo are talking.
BIPPO
You know, Doris, now that you're
the boss of a bunch of man-eating
monsters, you could conquer a small
nation.
DORIS
Aw, who wants the hassle? The
Brotherhood's made up of a bunch of
good kids who just needed a push in
the right direction and, believe
me, they're a lot better off
without that no good Doogan.
THAD
(pouts)
I wanted to be the leader.
LIAM
So, what exactly are you going to
do with them?
DORIS
I sent them out into the world to
do some good... Maybe make up for
all the mischief they've caused.
LIAM
Well, that is really awesome of
you, Doris. But aren't you worried
that Doogan's going to do something
nasty to you? After all, he
disappeared in all the commotion.
DORIS
I'm not worried, dear. I'll just
sleep with a crucifix and hang
garlic on the windows.
DREW
But that's how you keep vampires
out.
DORIS
It is? Oh dear. Maybe he'll be
leanient on me since I'm an old
woman.
EXT. A ROOFTOP
Doogan/Werewolf is on the roof looking down into Liam's
window. He bares his teeth and growls.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
I'LL KILL HER!!! Oh yeah, laugh
while you can, you old bitty. When
I'm done with you, you'll...
A hand clamps down on his shoulder. Suddenly, we hear bones
cracking and breaking. Doogan falls to the ground in pain as
a figure stands over him.
VOICE
I just shattered every bone in your
shoulder, Kessler. I know that
they'll repair themselves in days,
but I'll be back to shatter them
again and again and again. You
can't run from me and you can't
hide from me.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
W-What do you want from me?
VOICE
I'm here to serve you warning.
Doris Winchester, Thad Coffey,
Bippo the Clown, and Liam Smith are
under MY protection.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
Y-Yours?
VOICE
That's right, and if you come
around here again, if you try to
hurt them, if I even so much as
sense your presence in this city
again, the rest of your life will
be spent in immeasurable pain.
Understand?
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
(silently)
I... Understand.
A hand clamps down on his other shoulder. We hear more bones
shattering.
VOICE
I didn't quite hear that.
DOOGAN/WEREWOLF
I UNDERSTAND! I UNDERSTAND!
VOICE
Good. You have thirty minutes to
get out of town. Use them.
Doogan/Werewolf scurries away in great pain. The camera pans
up to reveal that his attacker was ULTRAWOMAN.
Music sting.
FADE OUT:
THE END