--------------------------------------------------------------
Previously on THE LIAM SMITH SHOW...
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. A VIDEO ARCADE
BIPPO THE CLOWN is talking to the teenaged Blue Skinned
alien, QUASAR.
BIPPO
So, Quasar. What exactly does a
Herald of Mike do?
QUASAR
Well, I ride to dozens of planets
on my cosmic boogie board telling
the inhabitants that Mike is
coming.
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. LIAM'S BEDROOM
Quasar is alone when the hologram of MIKE appears before him.
MIKE
Hath thou alerted thine leaders of
thine world as I hath instructed?
QUASAR
Er... No.
MIKE
Do my bidding or thou shall
sufferith the same fate as thy own
planet and, soon, thy Earth.
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
LIAM, KEVIN, BIPPO, and QUASAR are there.
QUASAR
Guys, I need to find world leaders
Asap. You guys know any?
BIPPO
I met President Bush in rehab once.
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. THE OVAL OFFICE
Quasar, Liam, Kevin, and Bippo are talking to George W. Bush.
QUASAR
(to Bush)
My boss is coming to eat the Earth.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Well, as long as he doesn't mess
with America, we're okay!
KEVIN
But America is on earth!
George W. Bush thinks about that.
GEORGE W. BUSH
My... GOD!
(a beat)
I forgot to order lunch.
--------------------------------------------------------------
LIAM
Is there any way we can stop him?
QUASAR
You know any superhumans?
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS BASEMENT
Liam, Kevin, Bippo, and Quasar run down the stairs and meet
Jesse Glaspey (A.K.A. Cosmic Weasel) and Johnathan Kruger
(A.K.A. Doctor Wham).
LIAM
Guys! We need your help!
BIPPO
You were our last choice.
JESSE
We'll take it! What can we help
you with?
--------------------------------------------------------------
EXT. EARTH ORBIT
The Delta Flyer from Star Trek: Voyager blasts off. The
words WEASEL WAGON have been crudely spray painted on the
side.
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. THE WEASEL WAGON
Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham look out the veiwports and see
that there is a dumpy fat man floating in space.
DOCTOR WHAM
He doesn't look so tough.
COSMIC WEASEL
Let's smack this bitch up!
Doctor Wham and Cosmic Weasel laugh as the ship gets closer
to Mike. As it does, Mike gets bigger and bigger and bigger
and just keeps getting bigger. It's now more and obvious
that Mike is humongous. Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham's
laughter fades and becomes a faint whimpering and crying.
Mike's voice booms into the small ship as his belly button
fills the veiwports.
MIKE
WHO DARES DISTURBITH MIKE: THE
DEVOURER OF WORLDS!?
COSMIC WEASEL
(crying, high pitched
voice)
Wham?
DOCTOR WHAM
(crying, high voice)
Yeah?
COSMIC WEASEL
He's going to kill us.
DOCTOR WHAM
(bawling)
I know-ow-ow-owwww!
EXT. SPACE
MIKE'S colossal and flabby hand swats the Weasel Wagon
exploding it in a million firery pieces.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS ROOF
Liam, Kevin, Bippo, and Quasar are looking through a
telescope.
LIAM
Oh my God! He just KILLED Cosmic
Weasel and Doctor Wham!
FADE OUT:
--------------------------------------------------------------
AND NOW, THE CONCLUSION...
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. THE WHITE HOUSE BEDROOM
George W. Bush is snuggled in bed with his banky and his
teddy. Suddenly, he bolts upright in a cold sweat.
GEORGE W. BUSH
THE BLUE MAN! THE HERALD OF MIKE
THE DEVOURER OF WORLDS!!!
(a beat)
He didn't wipe his feet.
George W. Bush flops back in bed and begins snoring.
Suddenly, he bolts upright again.
GEORGE W. BUSH
If Mike the Devourer eats the
Earth, not only would it cause the
destruction of America and the
lesser countries that I can't
identify, but it would lead to the
death of millions of registered
voters and, more importantly, the
supreme court judges that got me in
the White House on a technicality!
Mike must be stopped!
George W. Bush runs to the phone and dials.
GEORGE W. BUSH
(to phone)
CAPEMAN! I NEED YOU TO STOP MIKE
THE DEVOURER AT ONCE!
VOICE
(over phone)
One problem sir.
GEORGE W. BUSH
What's that?
VOICE
(over phone)
This is Pizza Hut.
GEORGE W. BUSH
I KNOW THAT! WHAT DO YOU THINK I
AM? STUPID?
VOICE
(pause, over phone)
Yes.
George Bush hangs up.
INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER
COSMIC WEASEL and DOCTOR WHAM appear in a transporter effect
inside the Justice Squad Transport Tube. They are holding
each other and screaming with their eyes closed. CAPEMAN,
ULTRAWOMAN, COLOSSAL CHUNK, NIGHTFLYER, and BLUE FAIRY stand
around them. Weasel and Wham continue to cry with their eyes
shut.
ULTRAWOMAN
Guys, you can open your eyes now.
Wham and Weasel stop screaming and open their eyes.
DOCTOR WHAM
Well. I wasn't worried, were you?
COSMIC WEASEL
Me? NO!
CAPEMAN
What was that thing out there that
smacked you two up like the little
bitches that you are?
DOCTOR WHAM
What? That?
COSMIC WEASEL
Oh, that's Mike. He's a devourerer
of worlds.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
A devourer of worlds!?
DOCTOR WHAM
No, a devourer or worlds. Yeah,
Liam, Kevin, and Bippo met this
teenager called Quasar who works
for him spreading terror and what
not.
NIGHTFLYER
This could be bad.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Indeed it could. We should rally
the Squad and take this Mike on
before he eats the world.
CAPEMAN
Well, even though you guys won't
accept my petition for membership
I'm at your service.
ULTRAWOMAN
Thanks, Capeman, I'm sure we'll
need it.
(indicating Weasel and
Wham)
What about them two?
CAPEMAN
(looks)
Them? They're even more useless
than Captain Spaz!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Hey! That's insulting!
DOCTOR WHAM
For us.
CAPEMAN
(ignoring them)
I mean, really... What the hell is
weasel powers and weasel agility?
ULTRAWOMAN
We do need all the help we can get.
CAPEMAN
Fine, but don't say I didn't warn
you.
Nightflyer walks over to Dr. Wham and Cosmic Weasel.
DOCTOR WHAM
Hey, here comes that Nightflyer
guy. Pour on the charm and maybe
they'll let us in the Justice
Squad!
COSMIC WEASEL
Good idea.
NIGHTFLYER
Guys, we need to discuss...
COSMIC WEASEL
Nightflyer, we've heard all about
you!
NIGHTFLYER
You have?
DOCTOR WHAM
Yep, everything. We've followed
your career and personal life very
extensively.
COSMIC WEASEL
We're practically stalkers!
Nightflyer is suddenly nervous, thinking that Wham and Weasel
are about to publicly out him.
NIGHTFLYER
Well, er... I... Uh...
DOCTOR WHAM
It's just so refreshing to see a
hero like you around.
NIGHTFLYER
It is?
COSMIC WEASEL
Yeah. I mean, it was hard for
Doctor Wham and me at first.
NIGHTFLYER
(shocked)
It was? You mean you two are?
DOCTOR WHAM
Partners? Yep. I thought
everyone knew that.
NIGHTFLYER
I didn't. I mean, I thought you
two weren't... You know...
together.
COSMIC WEASEL
No, Wham and I have been joined at
the hip for a year!
NIGHTFLYER
You HAVE been?
COSMIC WEASEL
Inseparable.
DOCTOR WHAM
I'd bend over backwards for this
man.
COSMIC WEASEL
Oh, you!
Cosmic Weasel playfully hits Wham on the shoulder.
Ultrawoman comes over.
ULTRAWOMAN
Did you ask them?
NIGHTFLYER
(fanning himself)
I got a little sidetracked.
ULTRAWOMAN
(to Weasel and Wham)
Guys, we need your help with this
crisis. Are you in?
COSMIC WEASEL
Great beasties, of course we're in!
Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham dance and finally hug.
Ultrawoman leaves. Nightflyer watches them for a second,
then runs off after Ultrawoman. Cosmic Weasel and Doctor
Wham stop dancing and pushes each other away.
COSMIC WEASEL & DOCTOR WHAM
Fag!
FADE OUT:
---
Theme Song (sung to the theme of "Greatest American Hero")
Believe it or not, they're mentally impaired
The Justice Squad, Capeman, and Doctor Wham.
And lets not forget The Cosmic Weasel
Look at me!
I can't remember the rest of this song!
---
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
ALSO STARRING
Leon Lai
as
"Kevin Riley"
GUEST STARRING
Seth Green
as
"Quasar"
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
LIAM, KEVIN, BIPPO, and QUASAR are milling around.
LIAM
Great! We're responsible for the
deaths of the world's most mediocre
superheroes! I feel so guilty!
BIPPO
Look on the bright side, Liam!
With Jesse and Johnathan out of the
basement, I can incinerate
carcasses in peace! With them down
there they were always trying to
make s'mores or something. Pissed
me off... but I don't guess any of
that matters since Quasar's boss is
coming to eat us and the world like
a planetary pop tart.
(a beat)
Who wants to play Scrabble?
KEVIN
(sobbing)
I just realized that I'm a grown
man who sells makeup for a living!
Suddenly, the hologram of MIKE appears in the middle of the
room. Liam, Bippo, and Kevin jump back in fright.
MIKE
QUASAR!
QUASAR
Look, Mike... I know what you're
going to say and, yes, I did tell
the president of the United States
that you're coming, but... Well...
He's a dumbass.
MIKE
It 'tis of no matter... My hunger
growith with each passing moment.
You shall go forth now and induce
terror in thy population with thine
phenomenal cosmic powers.
Quasar nods and the hologram goes out. He grabs his boogie
board, looks at the others and shrugs.
QUASAR
Tough titty!
He jumps on his boogie board and starts for the window.
LIAM
Wait! Stop!
Liam grabs the back of the boogie board and the two take off
into the sky. Kevin and Bippo watch him go.
BIPPO
I'm going to miss him. He was fun.
EXT. LAS VEGAS
Quasar rides his cosmic boogie board through the Las Vegas
sky. Liam finally manages to pull himself onto the board.
QUASAR
Hey, Liam. Wanted a front row
seat? That's cool.
LIAM
Quasar! What are you going to do?
QUASAR
Well, Mike has this thing about
liking the taste of a planet more
if everyone on it's terrified and
stuff, so he sends me to do stuff
like this.
Quasar vaporizes Treasure Island casino with his pinkie
finger.
LIAM
Stop it! You don't have to do
this!
QUASAR
I guess you can say that I'm a
tenderizer of sorts.
Quasar points his finger at the MGM Grand.
INT. DONNER'S PENTHOUSE
Donner is talking on a phone as he walks out onto the
balcony.
DONNER
So that stock flatlined too? Okay,
well try dumping a million or two
into petstore.com.
(a beat)
Yes, I know it's out of business,
but I have a gut feeling it's about
to make a comeback!
(a beat)
I don't pay you to think!
(a beat)
I don't pay you to quit!
(a beat)
Hello? Hello?
Donner hangs up and sees Liam and Quasar on the boogie board.
DONNER
(yelling)
Hey! Liam! What are you doing
up...
(shocked)
Oh, SH*T!!!
Donner dives off the balcony as one of Quasars energy beams
vaporizes the top floors MGM Grand. Donner falls and falls
and falls and falls.
EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP
A Truck that says MATTRESSES IN AN HOUR sits in the road.
Donner falls into the back and then bounces right back out.
EXT. LAS VEGAS
Quasar and Liam are in the sky on the boogie board as Donner
flies into frame.
DONNER
You two are SO sued!
Donner falls again.
EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP
Another truck labeled PILLOWS 'R' US is sitting in the
middle of the road. Donner falls into the back causing a
rain of feathers and down. Donner pulls himself up and looks
at his ruined home.
DONNER
MY HOME!!! WHY GOD, WHY!? DAMN
YOU ALL!!! DAMN YOU STRAIT TO
HELL!!! WHY!?
Someone hands Donner an Oscar. He looks at it in confusion.
EXT. LAS VEGAS
Quasar and Liam are on the Boogie Board.
QUASAR
Well, let's go check out Los
Angeles. I hear that the Church of
Scientology is desperately in need
of some 'sssssploding.
They sail away.
INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER
In the war room, all of the heroes are assembled.
NIGHTFLYER
So, guys... How's life been
treating you?
COSMIC WEASEL
Fine.
DOCTOR WHAM
Good.
NIGHTFLYER
Great! Listen, I wanted to thank
you guys for being such great
examples.
Cos and Wham looks at each other.
DOCTOR WHAM
Examples?
COSMIC WEASEL
Us?
DOCTOR WHAM
That's amazing!
NIGHTFLYER
Yeah, it's folks like you that make
people in the closet that much more
braver to come out.
Nightflyer walks off.
DOCTOR WHAM
Did you hear that, Cos? Someone's
trapped in the closet!
COSMIC WEASEL
No... Nightflyer said that it will
take bravery for this person to
come out and that bravery comes
from within. There's... Nothing we
can do.
Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham hang their heads in sadness.
ULTRAWOMAN (O.S.)
Guys, if I could get you to have a
seat here?
They both look up quickly with huge smiles on their faces.
COSMIC WEASEL & DOCTOR WHAM
'KAY!
Cos and Wham run over to the meeting table where COLOSSAL
CHUNK, CAPTAIN SPAZ, CAPEMAN, ULTRAWOMAN, BLUE FAIRY, and
NIGHTFLYER are already seated. Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham
take their seats directly across from Ultrawoman and
Nightflyer.
ULTRAWOMAN
Here's what we know so far. Mike
is over two thousand feet tall and
weighs over 600 billion metric
tons.
A hologram of Mike is activated on the table top.
ULTRAWOMAN
Probes have been sent to Mike from
the moon base... And eaten, so we
sent less tasty probes and they
were eaten as well. Finally, we
wrapped the probes in food from
Arbys and they went unmolested and
managed to radio back these
readings.
ULTRAWOMAN
We've mapped out several potiental
weak spots on Mike, but a new
problem has arisen on Earth.
Doctor Wham is looking at Ultrawoman's tah-tahs.
DOCTOR WHAM
That's not the only thing a'rising.
Ultrawoman looks at Wham with disinterest.
ULTRAWOMAN
Uh-huh
(to everyone)
This is the new problem.
A hologram of Quasar and Liam riding the boogie board
appears.
COSMIC WEASEL
Hey, isn't that Liam?
ULTRAWOMAN
This blue guy's been going all over
the globe blowing stuff up with his
phenomenal cosmic powers.
CAPEMAN
What in God's name is Liam doing?
He can't endanger himself like
that! I've got to go save his
skinny pinko ass!
Ultrawoman stops him.
ULTRAWOMAN
No, we need you to battle Mike.
We're sending Cosmic Weasel, Doctor
Wham, Captain Spaz, and Nightflyer
after this Quasar guy.
CAPEMAN
Oh, the useless ones, huh?
ULTRAWOMAN
Basically.
CAPEMAN
But, I need to...
ULTRAWOMAN
(firm)
You wanted to prove that you can be
a Justice Squad member? Prove it
by following my orders and trusting
your teammates! They will take
care of it!
Capeman stands there for a second.
CAPEMAN
Weasel, Wham, Nightflyer, Spaz...
They look at him.
CAPEMAN
He's more important than you can
possible know. Don't let me down.
Ultrawoman, Blue Fairy, and Capeman exit away to confront
Mike.
EXT. SPACE
Blue Fairy, Capeman, and Ultrawoman fly into the stars on
their way to fight Mike.
EXT. PARIS, FRANCE
Colossal Chunk, Captain Spaz, Nightflyer, Cosmic Weasel, and
Doctor Wham appear in the town. The Eifel Tower can be seen
in the distance. Cosmic Weasel looks at it.
COSMIC WEASEL
What the hell are we doing in
London?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
This is Paris, you simpleton.
We're here because according to our
data, this is the next place that
Quasar will hit.
NIGHTFLYER
But this will not be an easily won
fight. Nay, my friends... These
proud people won't just stand idly
by as...
SPLAT! A tomato hits Nightflyer in the face. Camera angles
upward to reveal QUASAR on his boogie board with a crate of
rotten tomatoes. LIAM SMITH is shakily hanging on to the
back.
FRENCH GUY #1
AH! HE HAS TOMATOES!
FRENCH GUY #2
WE SURRENDER!
Quasar laughs a snide laugh and takes off for the horizon,
but not before vaporizing the Eifel Tower, The Louve, and the
Arch de Triumph.
DOCTOR WHAM
Well, THAT was embarrassing...
Fortunately, we're used to being
humiliated in public.
COSMIC WEASEL
Yeah, so what if the entire country
of France surrendered in less than
ten seconds under our protection.
We've done worse.
Nightflyer, Spaz, and Chunk look at them.
DOCTOR WHAM
Actually, we haven't.
COSMIC WEASEL
Oh, damn... You're right.
EXT. SPACE
Capeman, Ultrawoman, and Blue Fairy finally arrive at the
gargantuan fat guy in space.
CAPEMAN
Do you think that's Mike?
BLUE FAIRY
I don't know, let's check.
(yelling)
HEY! ARE YOU MIKE!?
No answer. Mike just glares at them like insects.
BLUE FAIRY
I SAID, EXCUSE ME! ARE YOU MIKE:
THE DEVOURER OF WORLDS!?
Still no answer.
ULTRAWOMAN
Okay, we've got a ten thousand foot
fat guy floating in space. For the
time being, let's assume that this
is Mike.
CAPEMAN
So what do we do now? He's just
giving us that uninterested look as
if we don't mean anything to him.
BLUE FAIRY
If that's true, why did he take the
time to smack Cosmic Weasel and
Doctor Wham?
ULTRAWOMAN
Would YOU let the opportunity to
smack those two pass without doing
something?
BLUE FAIRY
Noted.
CAPEMAN
I say we punch him a couple of
times and see what happens.
ULTRAWOMAN
Well, I say we try diplomacy.
CAPEMAN
Punching is faster.
ULTRAWOMAN
Diplomacy is better.
CAPEMAN
Compromise is the tool of the weak.
ULTRAWOMAN
And violence is the last bastian
for the immature.
CAPEMAN
Oh yeah? Well you're ugly!
EXT. BEIJING, CHINA
Quasar is flying around on his cosmic boogie board blowing up
stuff left and right. Liam is hanging on for his life.
Suddenly, Doctor Wham and Cosmic Weasel jump into frame and
land on the back of the board.
COSMIC WEASEL
Weasel powers, don't fail me now!
QUASAR
Oh, hi guys. Nice to see that Mike
didn't really kill you. So, what's
up?
DOCTOR WHAM
We're here to stop you, foul blue
teenaged punk from the outer
recesses of space and time!
Everyone looks at Doctor Wham.
COSMIC WEASEL
(through teeth)
You're EMBARRASSING me!
LIAM
Guy? Less bitching, more saving
please?
QUASAR
Wait a minute... Wait a minute...
You two are going to stop me?
DOCTOR WHAM
That's right, you... Foul... Uh...
Bad... Person.
QUASAR
You two trying to stop me? That's
funny.
COSMIC WEASEL
Why?
Quasar hits them with an energy beam and the two topple off
the board and demolish a 2000 year old temple on impact.
COLOSSAL CHUNK
(weakly)
Weasel... Senses... Tingling.
COSMIC WEASEL
(weakly)
Little late.
Quasar and Liam look down.
QUASAR
(gives them the finger)
Yeah, beooooootch!
LIAM
I'll miss them. They were fun.
EXT. BEIJING, CHINA
Colossal Chunk sees Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham go down.
COLOSSAL CHUNK
Little blue man make rodent man and
doctor go bye-bye. CHUNK SMASH!
Chunk picks up an entire building and throws it at Quasar.
Quasar looks at the approaching building, smirks, and then
vaporizes it with his pinkie finger.
INT. THE RUINED TEMPLE
Doctor Wham and Cosmic Weasel drag themselves out of the
crater.
COSMIC WEASEL
Well, look on the bright side. At
least we're not hurt.
Suddenly, Cos and Wham find themselves on the business end of
several guns held by the Chinese Army.
CHINESE SOILDER
You have violated Chinese airspace!
You will be detained, you stupid
insolent uneducated unwashed
American dooshbag costumed
Metahumans!
DOCTOR WHAM
Hey! Who are you calling costumed?
Suddenly, DECOY XXV jumps into frame.
DECOY XXV
Not to worry! DECOY is here to
save you!
Suddenly, Decoy is sucked into the propeller of the US Spy
Plane splattering the runway with guts, blood, and goo.
COSMIC WEASEL
Sh*t.
EXT. BEIJING, CHINA
Nightflyer and Captain Spaz flies along side in Captain Spaz'
semi-transparent helicopter. Nightflyer throws several
triangle-rangs at Quasar who dodges all of them and catches
one effortlessly. He looks at the little pink triangle
weapon.
QUASAR
This yours?
NIGHTFLYER
Yeah, so?
Quasar throws the triangle-rang at the helicopter which goes
down in flames. Nightflyer and Captain Spaz leap out and
float gently to the ground on parachutes.
NIGHTFLYER
This is not quite going the way I
expected.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
You mean with Chunk tearing up
China, the alien blowing up my semi
transparent helicopter, and Cosmic
Weasel and Doctor Wham being taken
prisoner for violating Chinese
airspace?
NIGHTFLYER
Actually, I WAS somewhat expecting
that last part. Say, where's that
Quasar fellow, anyway?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
(checks tracker)
Uh... heading across the Pacific
back to America.
NIGHTFLYER
Grrr... It was alright when he was
blowing up people and stuff in
other countries, but now he's going
back to America? INTOLERABLE!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
I wonder what he's doing?
NIGHTFLYER
Something horribly evil, no doubt.
INT. PLANET HOLLYWOOD, LOS ANGELES
Quasar and Liam are sitting at a table ordering food from a
waiter.
QUASAR
I'll have the Lord of the Onion
Rings, the Jar Jar-B-Q, and a large
Mountain Dew.
WAITER
Very good choice, sir. And you?
LIAM
Give me the Lawrence Fishburg-er,
with the Lord of the Fries and a
water.
WAITER
Excellent. I'll have that out to
you in a jiffy.
QUASAR
So, Liam... What do you think of
planetary annihilation so far?
LIAM
I think it's sick! Those poor
kangaroos in Australia never had a
chance!
QUASAR
But just think, the ranchers will
eat like kings!
LIAM
So will Mike, I guess.
QUASAR
Look, it's not like I like my job
or anything.
LIAM
Then why don't you do something
about it?
QUASAR
Like what? Tell Mike to piss off?
I don't know if you've noticed or
not, but Mike isn't someone to f*ck
with! Besides, what do I care?
LIAM
There's got to be some way to get
through those layers of superhuman
angst and convince you that the
Earth is worth saving!
QUASAR
Oh, you're not going to start THAT
again, are you? Look, you whined
when I blew up The Alamo and
the Taj Mahol, and the Brazilian
Rainforest, and the Great Wall, and
the Kremlin.
(high-pitched mocking)
"Oh, NO! Don't blow THAT up! It's
sssssspecial! It's worth
presssserving!"
LIAM
Well, there's got to be something!
You weren't moved by the beauty of
Niagara Falls or the lush forests
or Siberia... There must be
something that'll appeal to you!
Maybe if I put myself in your
shoes... When I was a teenager,
what was the one thing I couldn't
stop thinking about?
(a idea)
Do you like G.I. Joes?
Something has caught Quasar's attention.
QUASAR
Who is THAT!?
Camera angels around to reveal a KARI WUHRER display for the
movie ANACONDA.
LIAM
That? That's Kari Wuhrer.
QUASAR
She's HOT!
LIAM
Yes, good of you to notice... Now,
about appealing to your fickle
nature...
QUASAR
Are there more women like this on
your planet?
LIAM
A few, I guess.
QUASAR
LOOK AT THOSE HOO-HOOS!
Liam raises an eyebrow.
LIAM
Quasar... Buddy... Come with me. I
think I know a place you're going
to love.
EXT. SPACE
Capeman and Ultrawoman are arguing. Blue Fairy is floating
nearby noticeabl bored. Mike is taking up the background.
CAPEMAN
FIGHT
ULTRAWOMAN
TALK!
CAPEMAN
VIOLENCE!
ULTRAWOMAN
COMPROMISE!
CAPEMAN
RETALIATE!
ULTRAWOMAN
NEGOTIATE!
CAPEMAN
LESS FILLING!
ULTRAWOMAN
TASTES GREAT!
Suddenly, Mike speaks.
MIKE
FOOLS! MIKE HATH HAD ENOUGH OF
THINE WITTLESS PRATTLING! MY
HUNGER GROWITH UNBEARABLE! THY
EARTH WILL BE MINE TO CONSUME!
Mike farts and jets past them.
BLUE FAIRY
(fans himself)
NASTY!
ULTRAWOMAN
Well, it doesn't look like that fat
f*ck is going to leave us any
choice, does it?
CAPEMAN
So does that mean we get to resort
to senseless violence and acts of
barbarism?
ULTRAWOMAN
Sure, knock yourself out or, better
yet, knock him out.
CAPEMAN
(high pitch squeak)
I'm SO HAPPY!
The three heroes fly at Mike and attack him, but every time
they punch, their fists just ricochet back and all they end
up doing is smacking themselves in the face several times.
BLUE FAIRY
Ow! That hurts!
CAPEMAN
It's as if his flab is a natural
barrier of some sort. You know, a
bouncy-offey kind of thing.
ULTRAWOMAN
A forcefield?
CAPEMAN
Hey, that's catchy! Let's use
that!
ULTRAWOMAN
Well, Mike is nearing the Earth!
We have to stop him even if it
means the two of you have to die.
That's a sacrifice I'm willing to
make!
BLUE FAIRY
YEAH!
CAPEMAN
LET'S GET 'EM!
They fly towards Mike.
CAPEMAN
Hey, wait a minute...
INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER
Nightflyer, Colossal Chunk, and Captain Spaz are looking at
satellite photos.
NIGHTFLYER
As you can see, Cosmic Weasel and
Doctor Wham are still sitting on
this Chinese runway and haven't
moved in over two hours.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Have you explained to the Chinese
that we were violating their
airspace because we're trying to
save the world from the giant fat
guy that we can see in orbit from
the surface of the planet?
NIGHTFLYER
Yeah, they said it was nothing but
capitalist propaganda. On the plus
side, though, they said that they'd
release both of them... But only
piece by piece in crates. I told
them we'd think about it.
COLOSSAL CHUNK
What about funny blue man?
NIGHTFLYER
No sign of him. It's as if he's
fallen off the face of the Earth
and took Liam Smith with him!
INT. A VIDEO STORE
Liam and Quasar walk among the shelves of the adult section.
QUASAR
Look at all the skin!
LIAM
Yep, this is one of my favorite
places in the world. Here you can
rent every Kari Wuhrer movie ever
made. Look at this: Kari Wuher
starring in "Womb Raider". Kari
Wuher starring in "Pearl Necklace
Harbor", "Sex Trek: The Next
Penetration", "Doctor Dildo
little".
QUASAR
(reading boxes)
Kari Wuher in "Whore of the
Worlds", "Eyes Wide Slut". Wow!
Kari Wuher in "Atlan-tits: The Lust
Empire", "James Bondage", "Cats and
Doggie-style", "Glad He Ate Her"!
This planet has SEX on VIDEO! This
has got to be the greatest
innovation in the universe! These
beats the hell out of the
Corallien's cure for everything
serum!
LIAM
That's what I'm always saying, but
people won't acknowledge this as an
art!
QUASAR
What people?
LIAM
The Christian Right, the Christian
Left, Parent's Groups, Democrats,
Republicans, Greens, Libertarians,
Independents... Hell... Everyone,
really.
QUASAR
(looks at videos)
I CAN'T let this planet be
destroyed! I CAN'T LET THIS
PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS PORNO INTO
MIKE'S FAT MOUTH!
Quasar leaps onto his board and sails out the window. BIPPO,
KEVIN, ARTURO, and THAD rush around the corner.
ARTURO
Liam, are you all right?
THAD
We've been watching you ride around
with that blue guy on the news?
What up wit dat?
LIAM
It's all right, guys. I think I
just saved the world thanks to the
hormone soaked teenaged sexual
frustration we all got over years
ago.
KEVIN
(picks up box)
Oh, this is a new one! Kari Wuher
in "Planet of the Rapes".
Liam snatches the box away from him.
LIAM
GIMMIE! GIMMIE! GIMMIE! MINE!
MINE! MINE!
Liam curls up the corner growling at everyone.
BIPPO
The SAVIOR of the Earth, Ladies and
Gentlemen!
Bippo claps. Everyone else just stares.
EXT. SPACE, EARTH ORBIT
Mike is very close to the Earth and opening his massive mouth
to take a hunk out of our beautiful world. Capeman, Blue
Fairy, and Ultrawoman are all trapped in his rolls.
ULTRAWOMAN
DISGUSTING!
CAPEMAN
It feels like I'm trapped in warm
gravy!
BLUE FAIRY
I need a bath... And then some
serious therapy!
ULTRAWOMAN
LOOK! He's about to take a bite of
the Earth!
CAPEMAN
POOPIES!
BLUE FAIRY
Hey, what's that?
Capeman looks.
CAPEMAN
Hey, it's that blue guy that the
others were supposed to be
fighting!
ULTRAWOMAN
So I guess they failed too.
BLUE FAIRY
No big shock there.
MIKE
QUASAR! WHAT ART THOU DOING
HERE!? WHY ARTN'T THOU SPREADING
FEAR AND TERROR, THERILY!!?
QUASAR
I'm not going to let you eat this
planet, Mike! I'm a teenager and
I've got all of these damn hormones
and stuff!
MIKE
AND THIS IS THINE REASON TO
BETRAYITH ME?
QUASAR
EARTH HAS PORNO AND I'M HORNY, ALL
RIGHT!?
Quasar opens fire with his energy beams. It hits Mike in the
chest and the giant jerks back in pain freeing Capeman, Blue
Fairy, and Ultrawoman. There is now a small wound in his
chest.
MIKE
INSOLENT FOOL!
Mike swats Quasar sending him tumbling into the recesses of
space.
ULTRAWOMAN
The kid's given us a chance! Let's
take it! Capeman, you help me take
out Mike. Blue Fairy, go rescue
the kid!
Capeman and Ultrawoman take off after Mike as Blue Fairy goes
after Quasar. Capeman and Ultrawoman are swatted away like
flies.
CAPEMAN
This is so useless! We're like
bacteria to him!
ULTRAWOMAN
OH NO! HE'S GOING TO TAKE A BITE!
Mike is bending over to take a bite of the world.
EXT. THE ATLANTIC
ATLANTIS suddenly rises from the ocean and all sorts of
massive guns and stuff sprouts from the city. Millions upon
millions of troops march out the buildings.
ATLAINTIAN GENERAL
THE DAY IS OURS, MEN! THE EARTH
ONCE AGAIN BELONGS TO ATLANTIS AND
THERE IS NO ONE TO STOP US FROM
SPILLING THE BLOOD OF BILLIONS!
From the sky, a gigantic mouth appears and begins to overtake
the continent. The general looks up at the five mile high
teeth surrounding them.
ATLANTIAN GENERAL
Aw, f*ck!
CLAH-BOOM! In an impressive display of size and computer
generated special effects, the lost continent of Atlantis
becomes the devoured continent of Atlantis.
EXT. EARTH ORBIT
Mike rises, chewing what's left of the incomprehensible
subplot, with a large portion of the pacific ocean trickling
from his chins.
CAPEMAN
HOLY SH*T! DID YOU SEE THAT!?
EXT. SPACE
Blue Fairy catches Quasar and his boogie board.
BLUE FAIRY
It's all right, kid. I've got you.
QUASAR
(weakly)
One way to stop... Mike.
BLUE FAIRY
How?
QUASAR
Mike's... Big fat ass...
cholesterol count off the scale...
BLUE FAIRY
Yeah, we know that, but how do we
stop him!
Quasar gives Blue Fairy the boogie board.
QUASAR
Artery...
EXT. EARTH ORBIT
Mike is still chewing on Atlantis as Capeman and Ultrawoman
fight in vain to stop him with heat vision and energy beams.
CAPEMAN
(to Mike)
There are eight other planets in
the solar system, you know! Why do
you gotta pick on us!?
MIKE
(mouth full)
Life is good! It tasteith sweet!
Say, since I just killed my herald
how would THOU likeith thy job?
Thy pay stinks, but thou wouldst
get to travel. Here, takeith mine
card.
Mike flicks his business card at Capeman, knocking our hero
out of the way. Ultrawoman goes to help him and Blue Fairy
flies to them carrying the boogie board and Quasar's
unconscious body.
CAPEMAN
(reading huge print on
card)
Oh, look! This guy's a PhD!
BLUE FAIRY
GUYS! GUYS! I think I know how to
beat Mike! Quasar said that Mike's
cholesterol count is very high and
told me to block the artery with
this!
He holds up the board.
ULTRAWOMAN
...and give this fat bastard a
heart attack!
CAPEMAN
I'm using my x-ray vision. I see
his main artery and, yes, it is 90
percent blocked. It's going to be
dangerous for whoever goes inside
because he's got all sorts of
immunities and... GAH!
Capeman doubles over in pain.
ULTRAWOMAN
What!? What!? Some kind of
defense? Are you okay?
CAPEMAN
I'm fine. I just accidentally saw
his schlong. It's horrible, I tell
you! HORRIBLE!
BLUE FAIRY
Whoever goes inside will probably
be killed!
(holds up Quasar)
Too bad this little bastard isn't
conscious or we could send him.
ULTRAWOMAN
Give him a break, Fairy. He risked
his life to give us a chance.
CAPEMAN
And he's really powerful and could
probably kick all of our asses.
In the distance, MIKE licks his lips.
MIKE
I THINK I SHALL TRY THIS continent
NOW!
He points to North America.
ULTRAWOMAN
Oh SH*T! No time to argue! I'll
take the board and block the
artery!
CAPEMAN
A noble sacrifice, Ultrawoman.
There's just one problem.
ULTRAWOMAN
What?
Capeman takes the board.
CAPEMAN
Yoink!
Capeman takes off for Mike.
ULTRAWOMAN
CAPEMAN, NO!
Capeman tears through space as Mike bends over to earth North
America.
EXT. LAS VEGAS
Liam, Bippo, Arturo, Kevin, and Thad rush out of the book
store and look into the sky to see Mike's Mouth taking up the
entire sky.
ARTURO
GOOD LORD!
LIAM
GAH! THIS IS THE END!
He holds up the video, "Planet of the Rapes".
LIAM
At least we still have each other.
He holds the video close to his heart.
EXT. SPACE, EARTH ORBIT
As Mike prepares to eat North America, Capeman zooms towards
the wound in his chest caused by Quasar. Capeman looks
disgusted, but then takes a big breath and jumps into the
wound.
INT. MIKE'S BLOODSTREAM
The walls of the artery are caked with fatty cholesterol as
Capeman fights the current trying to get to the heart.
Finally, he sees a portion of the artery almost completely
closed up by cholesterol. He places the boogie board in
place, but is immediately attacked by dozens of white blood
cells. Capeman manages to fight them off, but watches as the
boogie board rushes away from him and is pulverized by the
heart.
EXT. LAS VEGAS
Mike's Mouth continues to bear down on the entire continent.
People rush out of the Casinos in a panic. CHOCOLATE TREAT
wanders onto the screen.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I've done some kinky stuff in my
day, but this beats all!
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Tempus is reading a newspaper. He looks out the window, sees
the massive mouth, and then back at the paper.
TEMPUS
I hate Mondays.
INT. MIKE'S BLOODSTREAM
Capeman desperately looks around for something to block the
artery, but at last he has to face the fact that there is
only one thing he can use... Himself. He jumps into the
narrow opening, plugging it with his own body.
EXT. SPACE, EARTH ORBIT
Mike is about to make a meal out of North America when he
suddenly rises and grabs his chest.
MIKE
MY HEART! ARRRRRRGH!
Mike begins to expand.
ULTRAWOMAN
What the hell? Is... Is he getting
fatter?
BLUE FAIRY
It looks like it. I guess this is
what happens to one of his people
when they have a heart attack.
ULTRAWOMAN
You mean...?
BLUE FAIRY
HE'S GONNA BLOW!
Ultrawoman grabs Quasar and she and Blue Fairy take off like
ruptured ducks.
MIKE
SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIII--
KER-BLAM! Mike explodes sending a shower of fatty chunks,
bone, and pieces of a flaming Mu-Mu flying everywhere.
ULTRAWOMAN
Oh my God! CAPEMAN!
FADE TO:
INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER
Capeman wakes up in a hospital bed and sees the faces of
Ultrawoman, Blue Fairy, Captain Spaz, Quasar, and Colossal
Chunk staring down at him.
CAPEMAN
What are YOU doing here?
ULTRAWOMAN
Well, I guess that's a little less
cliche than, "Where am I? Who am
I?"
CAPEMAN
What happened?
ULTRAWOMAN
You did it. You plunged deep into
Mike's body and the force exploded
him!
CAPEMAN
Could you not phrase it like that?
Going inside the body of a ten
billion ton fat guy was really
gross.
ULTRAWOMAN
Sorry, how about "you blew Mike"?
CAPEMAN
I see nothing wrong with that.
Quasar, Spaz, and Blue Fairy snicker while Chunk stands there
blankly.
CAPEMAN
What's so funny?
ULTRAWOMAN
Yeah, we all owe Capeman a debt for
blowing Mike!
Quasar, Spaz, and Blue Fairy die laughing. Capeman jumps out
of bed and walks over to Quasar.
CAPEMAN
Well, we definitely owe a debt of
gratitude to young Quasar here with
his phenomenal cosmic powers and
stuff.
QUASAR
Well, with Mike...
(gives Capeman a look)
...blown...
(to others)
...my powers have been downsized.
In fact, without my cosmic boogie
board, I'm pretty much an average
superhuman.
ULTRAWOMAN
Really? Well, in that case you're
under arrest.
Ultrawoman puts cuffs on Quasar.
QUASAR
What!? Why!?
ULTRAWOMAN
You blew up over a hundred
landmarks, sacred sights, national
treasures, and the Vienna Boys
Chior during your little rampage
for Mike. Sorry kid, but the law's
the law.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Yeah. From now on if you want to
blow up the treasures of humanity,
you'll have to do it from prison.
QUASAR
But... But...
BLUE FAIRY
But don't worry, I'm sure you'll
get a couple of years off for good
behavior and for you helping us to
save the world and all.
QUASAR
AW, YOU GUYS SUCK!
ULTRAWOMAN
Take him to the East Lee S. Capable
Minimum Security Prison and
introduce him to the other guys:
Bitchslap, The Six Billion Dollar
Bastard, Leona Hemsly...
QUASAR
LEONA HELMSLY!? NOOOOOO!!!
Blue Fairy and Captain Spaz escort him out.
CAPEMAN
Now, about what we were talking
about earlier...
ULTRAWOMAN
Earlier?
CAPEMAN
You know.
ULTRAWOMAN
With the guy trying to eat the
earth and the superpowered kid on
the boogie board, maybe you can
refresh my memory?
CAPEMAN
I want in the Justice Squad.
ULTRAWOMAN
(groans)
Capeman, we discussed this. You
petitioned and we voted against you
3-2.
CAPEMAN
But if you changed your vote, I'd
be in, right?
ULTRAWOMAN
You don't know how I voted.
CAPEMAN
You hate my methods and tell me I'm
an idiot on a weekly basis.
ULTRAWOMAN
All right, so maybe you DO know how
I voted, but that doesn't change
what you are... Or what you were.
I'm sorry, Capeman... in a funny
way, I consider you a friend, but I
just can't vote you in.
CAPEMAN
And you don't think Nightflyer or
Captain Spaz would be willing to
change their vote, do you?
Ultrawoman stares at him.
CAPEMAN
Right. Stupid question.
They stand there in silence.
CAPEMAN
I have my reasons why--
ULTRAWOMAN
Don't START with that Obi Wan
Kenobi crap, Capeman! Ever since
you got creamed by MIR it's "I have
my reasons" and "I can't tell you
why" and "blah, blah, blah!". Blue
Fairy says you're positioning pawns
but NONE of us know why and YOU
won't tell us. Remember what I
said about trust in the Justice
Squad? Well, that trust has to be
unconditional, Capeman. Are you
prepared to offer that?
CAPEMAN
No. I'm not.
ULTRAWOMAN
Then I can't let you join. I'm
sorry.
CAPEMAN
It's impossible for me to tell you
everything, Ultrawoman. I wish I
could, but I can't. But you're
right... I have been selfish.
He turns to her, his back to the camera.
CAPEMAN
I may not be able to give you the
answers you're looking for, but
there is one thing I CAN give you.
Ultimately, I guess it's the only
thing that truly matters.
Unseen to the camera, Capeman removes his mask and shows his
face to Ultrawoman who reacts in shock.
ULTRAWOMAN
YOU! But... But HOW!?
CAPEMAN
I can't tell you that now. All I
ask is that you keep who I am a
secret that you...
INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER - CONTINUOUS
In the main hall, the entire Justice Squad is seated
including Capeman.
ULTRAWOMAN
...trust him. Completely and
utterly.
Nightflyer reacts in shock.
NIGHTFLYER
WHAT!? You mean you're actually
going to let this superpowered
musclehead into the Justice Squad
without any explanation
whatsoever!?
ULTRAWOMAN
Yes.
NIGHTFLYER
But--
BLUE FAIRY
Well then, that settles it.
Capeman, welcome to the Justice
Squad of Superheroes.
NIGHTFLYER
But I--
CAPEMAN
Good to be on board. I hope that--
Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham enter.
COSMIC WEASEL
Hey guys. Sorry we're late.
DOCTOR WHAM
Yeah. So, how'd that Mike thing
go?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Oh, that? We won.
COSMIC WEASEL
Good to know.
NIGHTFLYER
How'd you two escape the Chinese?
DOCTOR WHAM
Who?
NIGHTFLYER
The Chinese.
DOCTOR WHAM
Oh, THOSE guys.
COSMIC WEASEL
Well, they held us for a while, fed
us some MSG that gave us both the
squirts.
DOCTOR WHAM
And then we remembered we had
superpowers and kicked all their
asses and stuff.
COSMIC WEASEL
I guess everything worked out okay.
So, what'd we miss?
NIGHTFLYER
We just gave Capeman membership.
COSMIC WEASEL
Hey, no fair! We want in too!
DOCTOR WHAM
Yeah!
NIGHTFLYER
(to Justice Squad)
What do you say, guys?
ULTRAWOMAN
We could use some reserve members.
in case of an emergency.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Why the hell not?
CAPEMAN
Sure. Then I won't be the new guy
anymore.
BLUE FAIRY
Whatever.
COLOSSAL CHUNK
Chunk like chocolate.
NIGHTFLYER
Well, we seem to be letting ANYONE
in today. Welcome aboard, Cosmic
Weasel and Doctor Wham.
He shakes their hands.
NIGHTFLYER
And may I say that's it's
refreshing to at last see gay crime
fighters take the spotlight for a
change.
DOCTOR WHAM
Gee, thanks.
COSMIC WEASEL
(To Doctor Wham)
Who's he talking about?
DOCTOR WHAM
Well, the Blue Fairy of course.
DUH!
The phone rings. Ultrawoman answers.
ULTRAWOMAN
Hello?
(a beat)
Hello Mister President.
(a beat)
Oh, don't worry. We took care of
that.
(a beat)
Yes... AND the big fat guy trying
to eat the world.
(a beat)
No, I don't have the number for Dominoes
with me right now.
(a beat)
Well, thank you, sir!
(a beat)
Good bye, sir.
She hangs up and looks at the others.
ULTRAWOMAN
That was the president.
EVERYONE
Duh!
ULTRAWOMAN
He wanted to let us all know that
we did a great job and wants to
invite us to a White House dinner
of beer and pizza.
DOCTOR WHAM
Thank GOD there's a good ol' Texas
boy in the oval office! Beer and
pizza KICK ASS!
COSMIC WEASEL
TO THE WEASEL WAGON!
DOCTOR WHAM
The we--
(beat)
Wait a minute... The weasel wagon
blew up!
COSMIC WEASEL
I know, but I found a new one in
China. It was just sitting there
on the runway! And it has all this
cool spy stuff on it and all these
neat papers with information about
top secret stuff and all the
marshmallow treats we can eat!
DOCTOR WHAM
And no Robert Beltran smell!
They exit.
NIGHTFLYER
(sighs)
I wonder if the Superfriends are
accepting applications.
EXT. THE EAST LEE S. CAPABLE MINIMUM SECURITY PRISION
Establishing shot.
INT. THE EAST LEE S. CAPABLE MINIMUM SECURITY PRISION
Quasar is led down the corridor by two guards to one of those
visiting areas that has the glass separating the visitor from
the prisoner. Quasar sits and, on the other side of the
glass, Liam sits.
QUASAR
Liam, how's it hanging, man?
LIAM
Fine. You?
QUASAR
I can't complain.
(a beat)
They tear gas us if we do.
LIAM
So, you're all right otherwise?
QUASAR
Yeah... Shower time is always
awkward, but other than that I'm
good. So, what are you doing here?
LIAM
I thought I'd bring this to you.
QUASAR
I don't suppose there's a file in
here, is there?
LIAM
Don't press your luck
Liam slips something through the slot. Quasar holds it up
revealing it to be three videocassettes.
QUASAR
Kari Wuhrer movies? Oh, tell me
it's that new animated Kari movie,
Poké-thon!
LIAM
No, it's not. I haven't seen
these, but I think that the names
speak for themselves. After all,
with names like "Dick", "Snatch",
and "Blow", you KNOW they're going
to be good.
QUASAR
Thanks Liam. This is going to make
me a very popular guy.
THE END
ROLL CREDITS