The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.06 - "Crouching Doctor, Hidden Weasel"
Written by Jesse Glaspey
INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, LIAM'S PLACE.
Liam, Thad, Bippo, Donner, Arturo and Stacy enter. They are
covered in a jello-like substance. They open Liam's closet,
ignoring all the pornography in there, they take several
towels and start wiping themselves off.
DONNER
(Clearly irritated)
You know. I didn't think it was
possible for our lives to get any
weirder. Then, next thing you know?
We're fighting off the Gummi Lords!
ARTURO
I'm still trying to fathom how
creatures can exist considering
they're composed of a gelatinous
candy substance.
BIPPO
It's not that tough to fathom.
Harry Knowles seems to have
adapted.
STACY
We should be thankful that we ran
into Jesse and Jonathan when we
did, otherwise we'd be dead!
LIAM
Yeah, I mean what are the odds that
we'd run into them as they're
leaving a strip club?
THAD
They weren't leaving, they were
thrown out.
STACY
Regardless, They saved our butts.
DONNER
And destroyed another new car of
mine while they were at it!
LIAM
Hey, at least they never charge for
their services like Capeman used
to.
THAD
Why should they? Buy them some beer
and pizza and they seem happy
enough.
BIPPO
I think all the property damage
they do accounts for that.
STACY
Still, it's kind of weird… they
never charge for their services and
yet they don't have jobs, so how do
they make rent?
ARTURO
They don't have to. They paid a
years worth of rent in cash when
they first moved in.
LIAM
So thay came here to Las Vegas from
Honolulu with no jobs, a bundle of
cash and they've never said why
they moved here in the first place?
STACY
Basically.
LIAM
Sounds normal.
Everyone stares at Liam. Meanwhile…
INT. LAS VEGAS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.
A group of people walk off their flight. A charter airline
from Honolulu. There is a well-built man heading up the
group.
MAN
That TV show said they operate
here. Gear up and meet in the
baggage claim in ten minutes.
Ten minutes later, bystanders stare in awe as 5 men and one
woman show up in spandex and armor.
We see the man who was leading them is Captain Hawaii, a man
in a UH Warriors football gear and armed with a trashcan lid
from a Hawaiian eatery known as Zippy's.
CAPTAIN HAWAII
Role call! Scarlet Pran!
We see a short asian girl with EXTREMELY high red shorts,
RIDICULOUSLY high red platform shoes, and a red spaghetti
strap halter top with the words "Buy me things" emblazoned
across it.
SCARLET PRAN
Ready!
CAPTAIN HAWAII
Cannery-Man!
A man in full-body armor made from cans of Dole Pineapples
lumbers forward.
CANNERY-MAN
Ready!
CAPTAIN HAWAII
Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man!
A skinny man dressed like a yellow and black striped fish
steps forward.
HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN
Ready!
CAPTAIN HAWAII
PigeonEye!
A man in gray and white with a goofy looking pigeon mask
steps forward.
PIGEONEYE
Ready!
CAPTAIN HAWAII
Koa!
A fat Hawaiian guy waddles forward with an ukulele in his
hand.
KOA
Ho braddah, we readies and da kine!
CAPTAIN HAWAII
Then let's start! Hawaiian
Avengers….
Tear this city apart until we find
The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham. And
when we find them… May god…
KOA
Pele…
CAPTAIN HAWAII
… May PELE have mercy on their
souls!
MUSICAL STING
FADE OUT
--- ------------- ------------------------ ------------------
THEME SONG (SUNG TO THE THEME FROM "JACK OF ALL TRADES")
In the year 2001
In Texas lived Jason Donner
Liam Smith made fun of him
Proving that he's really dim
So Jason brought in Jesse
His mission: very clear!
He wrote this little parody
He finished, now it's here!
(guitar riff)
Liam hangs out with a werewolf
And a homicidal clown
Liam works at Circus Circus,
Las Vegas is his town!
He's clearly stalking Kari Wuhrer
He fought Satan and Scrappy Doo
The show's about to start
So our song is through
OLE!
----------------
The Liam Smith Show
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
Liam Smith
Co-Starring
Jason Donner
as
Donner
Mike Nelson
as
Thad Coffey
Cameron Diaz
as
Stacy VaVoom
Robert Floyd
as
Bippo the Clown
John Rhys-Davies
as
Professor Arturo
Jason Lee
as
Jesse Glaspey/Cosmic Weasel
Jack Black
as
Jonathan Krueger/Dr. Wham
RuPaul
as
Chocolate Treat
Gary Dourdan
As
Tempus
SPECIAL GUEST STAR
David Hassellhoff
as
Captain Hawaii
EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS
The Hawaiian Avengers are travelling down the street,
destroying property and causing all-around havoc. News
helicopters are shooting footage and covering the chaos.
CAPTAIN HAWAII
COSMIC WEASEL! COME OUT AND SHOW
YOURSELF YOU COWARD! YOU HAVE
SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO US!!!
SCARLET PRAN
Perhaps they aren't around, Cap!
CAPTAIN HAWAII
Then give them something to watch
on the five o'clock news, Scarlet.
SCARLET PRAN
Yes, sir!
The Scarlet Pran pulls out four platinum credit cards and
throws them like shiruken at innocent people on the street.
The cards embed themselves in the walls behind the passerby.
CAPTAIN HAWAII
Hmm. We might as well try to go
national. Koa! Do us a favor and
"renovate" that 7-11!
KOA
Aye aye! ALOHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Koa throws his enchanted ukulele at the buiding, it rips
through the walls and shatters the windows, the customers and
employees scurry out before the building collapses. The
ukulele returns to Koa's hand.
INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, LIAM'S PLACE.
Liam and the gang are cleaned up. The rumbling of the 7-11's
destruction shakes the Upta Creek residents.
LIAM
Did you guys feel that?
ARTURO
Of course we did! What the bloody
hell was that racket?
DONNER
Maybe Metallica is moving in next
door?
BIPPO
Uh-oh. If that's true. I have to
destroy my Napster system. I'll be
right back.
Bippo grabs a can of gasoline and matches.
LIAM
(looking out the window)
Wait! It's coming from outside!
Down the street… A bunch of
superpeople are tearing up the
neighborhood.
BIPPO
That all? I thought it was
something important.
Bippo tosses the gas can and matches over his shoulder and
sits on the couch, turning on the TV. It's the local news
from KLVE. Their anchor-person, Chip Beavermilk is reporting
from the scene.
CHIP
Chip Beavermilk, coming to you live
from Downtown Las Vegas! A group of
metahumans calling themselves The
Hawaiian Avengers are destroying
stores and residences in hope of
locating two local heroes, The
Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham! Their
motives for finding the two
superheroes is unknown at this
time! And there is still no word on
if the two are even going to show
up and stop this group at all…
Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man walks into the cameraframe.
HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN
Hey! How about some interview time?
CHIP
Don't hurt me!
Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man shoves Chip out of the way and
grabs the microphone
HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN
(To camera)
COSMIC WEASEL! DR. WHAM! GIVE US BACK WHAT'S OURS AND WE
MIGHT LEAVE THIS TOWN STANDING!
Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man punches the camera and the station
cuts to a re-run of Dark Angel.
STACY
We have to find Jesse and Jonathan!
If the Hawaiian Avengers are close
by, we're all in danger!
THAD
As opposed to the danger we faced
three hours ago with the Gummi
Lords?
STACY
This is different! We have to go
find them!
Everyone starts heading out the door.
BIPPO
WAIT!
Everyone stops.
BIPPO
Has anyone realized that there's a
newsman named Chip Beavermilk???
INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, THE BASEMENT DOOR.
Everyone sighs and heads to the basement.Liam knocks on the
door. No response. He turns the knob, the door opens and they
head downstairs. They see Jesse and Jonathan playing
Nintendo. They also see they've turned the basement into a
really nice place.
JESSE
HAH! Two lives left and I have the
golden gun! You are sooooo dead!
JONATHAN
You're looking at the wrong screen.
JESSE
Oh CRAP!
LIAM
Jesse! Jonathan! Haven't you guys
seen the news?
JESSE
News? Why? Robert Downey Jr. get
arrested again?
STACY
No. There's a group calling
themselves the Hawaiian Avengers
that's ripping up town looking for
the two of you!
Jesse and Jonathan stand up.
JESSE & JONATHAN
WHO?
LIAM
The Hawaiian Avengers.
Jesse looks at Jon
JESSE
You thinking what I'm thinking?
JONATHAN
You pack. I'll get the bus tickets!
Jesse starts throwing clothes into a bag as Jonathan starts
calling the bus station. Arturo grabs the suitcase away from
Jesse.
ARTURO
What is this all about, my dear
boy? Why are you running?
JESSE
No. We're ABOUT to run. Running
means we'd be in Canada by now. I
thought you were a professor!
Stacy hangs the phone up on Jon.
STACY
Who are these people and why do
they want you dead?
JONATHAN
Well, that's kind of a funny story…
LIAM
What is it you have that they want
so badly?
JESSE
Truthfully?
EVERYONE
YES!
Jesse and Jonathan look at one another. Jon shrugs.
JESSE
We kinda… took 10 million dollars
from them.
Everyone's jaws drop.
DONNER
Only 10 million?
------------------ -------------------------- ---------------
------------- ----------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Buy "Celebrity" by N'Sync! - Buy
"Black and Blue" by Backstreet
Boys! - Buy "Phoning It In" by *69!
----- ---------------------------- ------------------------
-------------------------------- -----
INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, JESSE & JONATHAN'S PLACE
We see Liam, Thad, Donner, Bippo, Arturo and Stacy staring at
Jesse and Jonathan.
STACY
MILLION DOLLARS????
JESSE
Well, yeah.
ARTURO
How did this happen???
JONATHAN
Well, it started a little over a
year ago, back in Honolulu…
We cut to a flashback of The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham in
action in Hawaii. The rest of the dialogue is done in voice
overs.
JONATHAN
We had encountered a new superhero
team known as the Hawaiian
Avengers. They were taking the
island by storm. Incredibly
popular. Incredibly powerful. This
team would constantly beat us to
the punch in stopping crooks. They
were led by Captain Hawaii: a man
who had incredible strength and
intelligence. The team consisted of
The Scarlet Pran: the queen of gold
digging hooches. The Mighty Koa:
Wielder of the enchanted ukulele of
Don Ho. Cannery Man: The armored
protector of the canned fruit
industry.
PigeonEye: the messy marksman. And
Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man: Who
possesses the proportionate
strength and speed of… um… a fish.
We see the Hawaiian Avengers assisting the police in
arresting criminals. We also see them doing interviews for
local networks. We see The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham sitting
at home.
DONNER
You got shown up by a guy in a fish
suit?
JONATHAN
You gonna let me finish?
DONNER
Sorry.
JONATHAN
Everytime we were around the
Hawaiian Avengers, Cos' weasel
sense would tingle. Something just
wasn't right about them. So we
started investigating.
We see Captain Hawaii in an ad for Hawaiian Tropic suntan
lotion.
JESSE
At the same time, they were getting
huge endorsement deals. Pepsi, Car
commercials, McDonalds, condoms.
You name it, they endorsed it. Add
that money to the rewards they got
for bringing in criminals and they
had…
ARTURO
Ten million dollars. We get it.
JESSE
Not yet you don't. Jon?
JONATHAN
We followed them to their
headquarters. We watched and
videotaped their meeting as they
counted their cash.
STACY
Wait! Why don't they have their
money in the bank?
JONATHAN
GETTING TO IT! They made an error.
They revealed their plan. They were
crooks posing as heroes in order to
make lots of dough before they
tried a major heist. The dough they
made legally would then be put to
use for their legal team should
they get caught.
DONNER
So they had their money in cash so
it wouldn't get seized when they
were exposed had it been in an
account.
JONATHAN
Bingo. So we had our evidence, we
went in and were quickly
outnumbered.
JESSE
We had to think fast. So we made a
wager with them. Me vs. Captain
Hawaii. A one on one fight. Loser
leaves town.
We see Jesse and Captain Hawaii in a knock down, drag out
fight. They're both extremely bloody.
JONATHAN
The fight must've been over an hour
long, and those two went everywhere
with it.
JESSE
Unfortunately, they cheated.
Captain Hawaii pulls out a gun and fires it at a bystander
Jesse jumps in the way and saves the person. But while he's
distracted, Capt. Hawaii hits Jesse with a steel girder.
JESSE
That was it. The fight was over.
But Capt. Hawaii made the biggest
mistake of his life. He was
gloating about his victory.
We see Jon helping Jesse up while Capt. Hawaii gloats.
CAPT. HAWAII
HA! Don't let the door hit you in
the ass on your way out of town!
MY TOWN! HAHAHAHA! No one's gonna
stop us! Not you! Not anyone in
this crappy town!
JESSE
But, just like every superhero
fight nowadays, the press was
there.
Capt. Hawaii sees the camera and his expression turns to one
of shock.
CAPT. HAWAII
Um… he… he… they tricked us!!!
Capt. Hawaii turns and sees Jesse and Jon are gone. The
Hawaiian Avengers run into their HQ. They run in and see all
the money that was on the table, is now gone.
CAPT. HAWAII
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
JONATHAN
Him and the other Hawaiian Avengers
tried to save face but the public
didn't trust them after that. We
sent the tape to the media. We
never saw it aired. We decided we
had to keep our end of the bargain.
Sure we had to leave town, but we
were taking their cash with us.
What were they gonna do, call the
cops who didn't trust them either?
After we left, we heard from some
friends that they were still trying
to play heroes but no one cared,
they were villains in the eyes of
the public, and traitors to the
criminal underworld. They screw us,
we screwed them.
STACY
So why didn't you stay in Hawaii?
JESSE
The public never trusted us to
begin with. The fact that their
number one team turned out to be
villains didn't help. So we decided
it was time to head to LA and try
to get the Jesse Glaspey show off
the ground.
JONATHAN
Of course THAT never happened.
The flashbacks end.
JESSE
So… we came here. To Vegas. With
their money.
STACY
So why didn't you put the Hawaiian
Avengers in jail?
JESSE
For what? They hadn't committed any
crimes yet.
STACY
When they shot at the innocent
bystander! Attempted murder! The
planned heist! Conspiracy for a
major felony! When you were shot by
Capt. Hawaii! Assault with a deadly
weapon!
Jesse and Jonathan pause.
JESSE
Well, ain't that a bitch!
JONATHAN
Hindsight is always 20/20!
There's another rumbling. The Hawaiian Avengers are getting
closer.
STACY
You have to get out there and stop
them! You didn't put them away
before, it's your responsibility as
heroes to stop them and save the
people they're terrorizing! With
great power comes great
responsibility!
Stacy gets blank stares from Jesse and Jonathan. Donner steps
in.
DONNER
(to Stacy)
Let me handle this.
Donner puts his hand on Jesse and Jonathan's shoulders.
DONNER
If you two don't get out there and
stop those jackasses, I'm going to
make your lives living hells. You
owe me two cars and you owe the
building a water heater. If you
can't find a reason to try to stop
the Hawaiian Avengers, I'll give
you a reason: REVENGE! They made
you look bad and in case you
forgot: THEY SHOT YOU! Get out and
get even!
JESSE
You're right! Let's kick some ass!
This is our town now!
Jesse taps his ring and the Cosmic Weasel costume comes out.
JONATHAN
NIPPLAGE!
Thunder strikes and Dr. Wham steps forward.
COSMIC WEASEL
Let's go get even!
EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS.
Cosmic Weasel & Dr. Wham rush out. The gang follows a short
distance behind. The Hawaiian Avengers are right outside the
Upta Creek Apartments. Cannery Man picks up a car and is
prepared to throw it when a hubcap hits him in the face,
forcing him to drop the car. Captain Hawaii turns to see who
threw it.
CAPT. HAWAII
Ah. I was wondering when you two
would arrive.
COSMIC WEASEL
Cap………………….You owe me a rematch!
------------------ -------------------------- ---------------
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
- NBC: Number one in ratings!
- UPN: Number one in violence and naughty language!
- FOX: Number one in… something.
---------- ----------------------------- -------------------
------------ ---------------- ------
EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS
We see The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham go face to face with
The Hawaiian Avengers.
CAPT. HAWAII
I assume you have our money?
COSMIC WEASEL
No. Yo momma has it! She charges a
lot per hour!
EVERYONE
Oooooooh!
CAPT. HAWAII
Very funny! You want us to beat the
information out of you? Fine.
COSMIC WEASEL
Works for me! I've learned a couple
things since the last time we
fought.
CAPT. HAWAII
Like what?
Cosmic Weasel punches Capt. Hawaii in his face.
COSMIC WEASEL
Get in the first shot!
Cos tackles Capt. Hawaii. The Hawaiian Avengers are about to
advance when Capt. Hawaii holds up his hands.
CAPT. HAWAII
Stop! This is between me and him!
COSMIC WEASEL
Yeah! It's between me and him!
Cos slams Capt Hawaii's head into a mailbox several times.
Koa turns and looks at Dr. Wham
KOA
Wat? Lolo babooze! You like beef?
DR. WHAM
I still have no idea what the hell
you're saying. But let's just get
on with it.
Dr. Wham punches Koa. Koa staggers back, smiles and advances
forward.
DR .WHAM
When will I learn?
Dr. Wham starts running. Koa runs after him. The Scarlet
Pran, PigeonEye, Cannery Man and Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man
are standing idly by.
SCARLET PRAN
Well now what do we do?
LIAM
(off camera)
Get 'em Cos!
Scarlet Pran and the others turn to see Liam, Stacy, Thad,
Donner, Bippo and Arturo.
SCARLET PRAN
Ah! The Weasel has friends!
Scarlet pulls out her razor credit cards. She pauses and
looks at PigeonEye.
SCARLET PRAN
PigeonEye! Get their attention!
PIGEONEYE
Yes, ma'am!
PigeonEye pulls out a slingshot. He fires a series of pellets
at the gang. They hit each member of the group. They're still
standing, albeit with white splotches on their chests.
LIAM
What the heck was that?
STACY
Anyone smell anything?
The group sniffs.
ARTURO
It smells like… Pigeon excrement!
DONNER
They're firing bird crap at us???
Bird crap? What kind of lame
villains are these guys?
Razor edged credit cards strike the wall a foot away from
Donner.
DONNER
Never mind. RUN!
The group starts running with Scarlet and her group following
them. Liam and the group round a corner and slam into Tempus.
TEMPUS
OW! Watch it! Oh, hey Liam. Guys.
What's with the poo stains?
LIAM
Tempus! Run! The Hawaiian Avengers
are after us!
The Hawaiian Avengers round the corner.
TEMPUS
Oh god…. The Hawaiian Avengers?
SCARLET PRAN
That's right! And if you know
what's good for you, you'll lead us
to our money!
Tempus starts laughing hysterically.
TEMPUS
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh god! The
Hawaiian Avengers are real??? In my
time, we thought they were a joke!
HHAHAHAHAAHA!
LIAM
Um… Tempus! They're going to kill
us!
TEMPUS
How? Look at them! Seriously! Look
at them! One fires bird crap,
another is wearing tin cans, one is
dressed like a fish and the girl
can't be any taller than 5 feet!
And you're running from them?
They're harmless! Watch this!
Tempus walks over and decks PigeonEye.
PIGEONEYE
OW! My nose!
TEMPUS
(Smiling)
Yes. You should put ice on that.
Tempus hits him again, knocking him out.
TEMPUS
Now I'm going back to my place. CSI
is on tonight. You guys should be
able to take it from here.
Tempus walks off.
LIAM
Hey…. He's right! We CAN take
them!!!
SCARLET PRAN
Hawaiian Avengers! DIVIDE!
Scarlet, Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man run off in separate
directions. Liam, Donner and Stacy run after The Scarlet
Pran. Thad runs off after Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man. Bippo
and Arturo stay ad are facing off against Cannery Man.
Thad follows Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man into an alley.
THAD
C'mere fish-boy! I'm ready to kick
some "Bass"! HA!
Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man sneaks up from behind and clubs
Thad with a 2x4.
HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN
Oh, did I surprise you? You think
just because I'm dressed like a
fish, that I have no power?
THAD
Well… yeah!
HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN
Why you…
THAD
Hold on! Before you kill me!
Whatever you do… DON'T really
piss me off! Just DON'T!
Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man kicks him in the nuts. Thad
doubles over in pain.
HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN
HA! Now what are you gonna do?
THAD
Thank you. I WAS too mellow.
HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN
What?
Thad looks up, he's already starting to change.
THAD
I haven't had seafood in a while!
We hear Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man scream from the alley.
Cannery Man is facing off against Bippo and Arturo.
ARTURO
All right my boy, you can defeat
this ruffian no problem! Just stick
and move! Stick and move, lad!
BIPPO
Gotcha!
Bippo punches Cannery Man. His fist doesn't even dent the
armor. Bippo grabs his hand.
BIPPO
OWWWWW!!!!
Bippo kicks Cannery Man only to hurt his foot.
BIPPO
(hopping up and down)
OW! OW! OW!
Cannery Man punches Bippo, who flies back roughly five feet.
BIPPO
(Dazed)
Okay, we're through.
ARTURO
That's all?
BIPPO
You want to take him on?
(A pause.)
ARTURO
That's it. We're through!
Cannery Man starts lumbering forward.
BIPPO
Augh! If only I had a gun or a
knife or a large stick…
Arturo fishes around for something in his pockets.
ARTURO
Will this do?
Arturo hands Bippo a Swiss army knife.
BIPPO
(Flipping the corkscrew
out)
Oh yeah. I'll be right back.
Bippo walks off screen, towards Cannery Man.
CANNERY MAN
(Off camera)
Hey! What're you doing? HEY! OW!
OW!! OWWWW! STOP THAT! AH! AH AH
OWWW! DON'T PUT THAT THERE!
(High pitched)
AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Arturo looks repulsed. Bippo walks back on screen.
BIPPO
Want your knife back?
ARTURO
(Nauseous)
You can keep it.
BIPPO
(Happy)
Thanks! Pretty good for a clown,
huh?
ARTURO
That was pretty good for Jack The
Ripper!
Meanwhile… Donner, Liam and Stacy are chasing down The
Scarlet Pran. She stops and turns around.
LIAM
Give up while you can!
SCARLET PRAN
HIIIII-YAAAAH!
Scarlet kicks Liam in the face. Stacy throws a punch, Scarlet
blocks it and backhands Stacy. Donner shoves Scarlet, she
then backflips and springs forward, throwing several of her
razor credit cards. Donner, Stacy and Liam are now pinned to
the wall
SCARLET PRAN
You thought just because I'm short
and Asian, I'd be easy to beat up!
HA! Well, I know the martial arts!
STACY
(Quietly)
No stereotypes in that group!
SCARLET PRAN
SILENCE!
DONNER
"We can take them!" Brilliant
thoughts, Liam!
Scarlet Pran pulls out a knife.
SCARLET PRAN
And they'll be your last!
She moves forward.
------------------ -------------------------- ---------------
------------- ----------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Have you crashed a Ford lately?
- Jack In The Box: Where we kinda cook the food!
- KLVE Action News with Chip Beavermilk! We get to the truth…
We think.
--------------- ------------------------------ -----------
----------------------- ----------------
EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, A NEARBY CORNER.
The Scarlet Pran is drawing closer to Liam, Donner and Stacy
when Chocolate Treat turns the corner and sees them
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Hey! This is my corner, shorty!
Liam! Damn, if you're into this
freaky stuff, all you had to do is
ask!
DONNER
If this is how we're going to die,
I'm SO disappointed.
LIAM
Get out of here, Chocolate! She's a
dangerous felon!
SCARLET PRAN
Get out of here, before I cut that
nappy weave off your head!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh no, she didn't! Oh NO she
didn't! She did NOT diss my hair!
LIAM
Yeah, she did!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
That's it. Stacy, hold my pumps.
I'm gonna whoop some ass!
Chocolate Treat takes off her shoes and rushes the Scarlet
Pran. We hear several punches, slaps, kicks and screams.
Chocolate Treat has the Scarlet Pran trapped under a garbage
can.
LIAM
(freeing himself)
Looks like The Scarlet Pran broke a
major rule.
STACY
Which is…?
LIAM
Never piss off a black woman.
DONNER
So then why is Chocolate Treat
angry?
A pause.
LIAM
We have to see how Dr. Wham and The
Cosmic Weasel are doing! Chocolate!
Can you hold her until the police
get here?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Hell yeah, I got this little
chicken cooped UP! You three go on.
Chocolate Treat sniffs the air.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Anybody smell bird poo?
Meanwhile… Dr. Wham is running from Koa. He stops and looks
around. He grabs a nearby bus and throws it into the air. He
then starts calculating something.
DR. WHAM
… Carry the four…
Koa runs up.
KOA
Ho braddah, This no tag no pass on,
no pass back!
Koa starts swinging his ukulele around.
DR. WHAM
You know, if I could understand you
who knows what could happen? We
could make peace. Maybe even team
up!
A pause.
DR. WHAM
Nah. That could never happen…
KOA
Why dat?
DR. WHAM
Simple. People in traction can't
play superhero!
The bus comes crashing down on Koa.
Dr. Wham dusts his hands off Liam, Donner, Stacy, Bippo,
Arturo and Thad all run up to Dr. Wham.
LIAM
Hey, we got the rest of the
Hawaiian Avengers!
DR. WHAM
Well, Koa isn't going anywhere for
a while. Let's see how Cos is
doing.
Meanwhile… The Cosmic Weasel and Captain Hawaii are beating
the crap out of each other. Cap grabs his shield and throws
it at Cos. It ricochets off several walls, missing the Cosmic
Weasel several times as he bounces off the wall and leaps
over Capt. Hawaii's head.
CAPT. HAWAII
DAMMIT! STAY STILL! I COULD KILL
YOU A LOT EASIER IF YOU'D STOP
LEAPING AROUND LIKE A GAZELLE!!!
COSMIC WEASEL
I'm leaping like a weasel! Get it
right! Product of the Hawaiian
Public School system, aren't ya? So
how did you find us anyways?
Cos leaps over Cap's head again, kicking him in the face.
CAPT. HAWAII
Vh-1's Behind The Music! I didn't
know you were in a boy band! Kinda
fitting really!
COSMIC WEASEL
Figures you'd be in our band's
demographic! You think like a
child!
Capt. Hawaii grabs Cos' ankle as he leaps overhead and slams
him into the ground. Capt. Hawaii sits on him and starts
punching Cos repeatedly.
CAPT. HAWAII
Enough banter! Give me my money!
I'll tear your town apart unless
you give it back!
Cos knees Cap in the crotch and springs up. They're face to
face.
COSMIC WEASEL
What did you say?
CAPT. HAWAII
I'll tear your town apart!
Cos stops, pauses and backs away.
COSMIC WEASEL
I can't help you. You see, this
isn't my town!
CAPT. HAWAII
Well, then… who's town is it?
A hand taps Capt. Hawaii's shoulder. He turns around.
CAPT. HAWAII
NOW WHAT?
Capt. Hawaii is face to face with Capeman.
CAPEMAN
Excuse me, aren't you in charge of
the group that destroyed a 7-11 a
little while ago?
CAPT. HAWAII
Yeah! SO?
CAPEMAN
Let's "Talk". Cosmic, we'll be
back.
COSMIC WEASEL
Take your time.
Capeman grabs Capt. Hawaii by the shirt and they fly off. Cos
sits down. A few minutes later, everyone runs up.
DR. WHAM
What happened?
Cos stands up quickly.
COSMIC WEASEL
What happened? WHAT HAPPENED? You
missed it! I was so totally railing
on Captain Hawaii and just as I'm
about to put him away… BOOM!
Capeman comes in and gets in my
way! He's all, like, "Hold up,
Weas!
Damn, you're opening up a savage
beating on his ass! My god! What
kind of man would do this to
another human!" And he had to fly
off with Cap to protect him from
me!
DR. WHAM
You're kidding, right?
COSMIC WEASEL
You doubt my mad crime-fighting
skills?
DR. WHAM
Once again, You're kidding, right?
All of a sudden, Capt. Hawaii's body comes crashing down onto
a car.
CAPT. HAWAII
Owwwwwww…..
Liam looks at him and sees something.
LIAM
Hey! He's got a note!
THAD
What does it say?
LIAM
"Dear Galactic Chinchilla, I'm
done, he's all yours. Toodles,
Capeman."
DONNER
"Toodles"?
Everyone looks at Cos.
COSMIC WEASEL
What? Oh, who're you gonn trust?
Him or me?
Everyone pauses. A LONG pause.
COSMIC WEASEL
Oh come on!!!
------------------ -------------------------- ---------------
------------- ----------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- MTV's "CRIBS": Tonight's guest,
Kari Wuhrer!
- America's Most Wanted: Tonight's guest, Ray Lewis of the
Ravens
- MAD TV: Tonight's guest host… ah, who cares? This show
sucks.
---- --------------------------------- ----------------------
---------------------------- --------
EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS
Police Chief Piggy is taking reports from Liam and the gang
while the cops and paramedics take the surviving Hawaiian
Avengers away. Jesse and Jonathan are back in civilian
clothes.
LIAM
So are the Hawaiian Avengers going
to live?
PIGGY
Well, it's the damnedest thing! The
fat guy under the bus is unconcious
but still alive and only sustained
heavy bruises. None of the officers
can seem to lift that baby guitar
of his so we're just going to take
that entire chunk of sidewalk with
it. Capt. Hawaii is in traction,
that girl has got some nasty
fingernail scratches, the guy in
the armor is missing certain parts
of his anatomy and we can't find
that fish guy at all!
Piggy and the other cops leave. Thad burps.
BIPPO
You okay?
THAD
Yeah, I just should know better
than to eat raw fish.
LIAM
So this is finally over for the two
of you? No more running?
JESSE
Basically. We finally put these
guys away so we have nothing to
worry about.
STACY
So why don't you guys do something
useful with that money you took
from them and donate it to a
shelter or a charity?
A pause.
JESSE
We'll think about it.
ONE WEEK LATER…
INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS.
Stacy is walking around Upta Creek apartments. No one is
there. She walks downstairs to the basement. She sees
everyone sitting around a very large TV, playing video games.
STACY
Jesse! Jonathan! I thought you two
were going to donate some money to
help the needy!
JESSE
We did. Two million dollars. What's
wrong with that? A lot of groups
would kill for two million dollars!
STACY
Is that all you're going to do with
the money? Donate it while you sit
here and play video games?
JONATHAN
Hey, it costs a lot to be
superheroes! We're saving that
money for equipment!
JESSE
And we're not even the ones playing
video games!
Jesse and Jonathan move to reveal that it's Triumph and
Arturo playing the videogames.
ARTURO
Why you blistering idiot! You're
cheating!
TRIUMPH
I am not cheating! But I give you
credit, you play very well… very
well…. FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!
Everyone laughs. Meanwhile…
INT. EAST LEE S. CAPABLE PRISON.
It's the Las Vegas prison, Capt. Hawaii is sitting in his
cell. He is furious.
CAPT. HAWAII
I want vengeance. I want my money.
I want that big goof Capeman dead.
I want The Cosmic Weasel dead. I
want Dr. Wham dead. I want that
little guy cheering them on dead…
Capt. Hawaii repeats this over and over again. All of a
sudden, the wall to the cell is ripped open, and a mysterious
figure floats there.
MYSTERY FIGURE
You want vengeance? Join me and
your enemies will suffer a GREAT
wrath.
CAPT. HAWAII
Sign me up! You broke me out, I'm
yours!
FADE OUT
ROLL CREDITS