THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.11 - "Crisis With Infinite Liams"
Written by Jesse Glaspey
INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, LIAM'S PLACE
Liam, Bippo and Thad are playing a video game while Donner is
reading a newspaper. Donner looks up to see what game they're
playing.
DONNER
What the…? I didn't know they made
a Kari Wuhrer video game!
LIAM
Yup. Final Fantasy XXX! It's a
multiplayer role playing game.
THAD
The goal is to get her a 20 million
dollar contract. You have to go
through casting agents, directors,
and various rock stars in hopes of
making it big.
We hear a squishing sound from the TV.
BIPPO
HA! I scored 10,000 points by
dorking Ben Affleck!
Thad squints and looks at the TV.
THAD
That wasn't Ben Affleck. That was
Ben Stiller.
BIPPO
Aw CRAP!
All of a sudden, the power goes out.
DONNER
Wow. There IS a god!
LIAM
Aw, fudgenuggets! This is the third
time this week this has happened!
DONNER
Well, you could talk to Arturo
about it.
LIAM
I'm going to!
A long pause.
DONNER
Well….?
LIAM
Oh! You mean now! Okay.
Liam, Bippo, Thad and Donner head over to Arturo's apartment.
They run into Stacy, who's wearing a robe.
INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE ARTURO'S.
LIAM
Stacy, what are you doing here?
STACY
I was taking a shower and the
second I'm about to turn on my hair
dryer, the power goes out! You know
that a hair dryer is essential for
making my hair as full and bouncy
as it is???
BIPPO
And all this time I thought your
hair was only the second most full
and bouncy thing on you.
Stacy is about to say something when Jesse and Jonathan walk
up the hallway.
DONNER
I bet it's their fault!
JESSE
The hell it is! I just got my DVD
of Hudson Hawk and the second I put
it in… BOOM! Power goes out!
JONATHAN
He REALLY wants to see that movie.
All I've heard is him constantly
singing "Swingin' on a star."
Liam knocks on the door. No Answer. Stacy then pounds on the
door. No answer.
JESSE
I'll handle this.
Jesse sneezes and kicks the door open.
JESSE
AAH-CHOO!
They step through the now-open door.
INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS. ARTURO'S PLACE
JESSE
Whoops. Guess I caught a cold!
JONATHAN
You really MUST do something about
that.
Everyone enters Arturo's place.
LIAM
So where's the Professor?
We now hear singing from the shower.
ARTURO
(Singing)
Let me see that thooooooooooong!
That thong th-th-th-thong!
DONNER
Professor! We need to talk to you!
ARTURO
Gah! What the bloody hell? I'll be
right out!
A couple of minutes later…Arturo comes out in a robe.
ARTURO
What in the devil are you all doing
in here? And what happened to my
door?
JESSE
Liam did it.
LIAM
WHAT?
JESSE
But seriously, Professor… What's
with all the blackouts? Did you
piss off the electric company or
something?
ARTURO
No. I fear it maybe my latest
experiment. It's over here.
The group walks over to a large object covered by a blanket.
Arturo pulls it off. It's a sliding device.
JESSE
What the hell is that?
ARTURO
That my boy, is my hobby! I've been
bored as of late so I've decided to
resume my research in sliding
technology. Travelling to other
dimensions and the like.
JONATHAN
THAT'S your hobby? Ever consider
doing something simple, like
collecting stamps?
STACY
So how is it responsible for the
blackouts?
ARTURO
That's something I'm wondering
myself, Stacy. I've come to the
conclusion that someone or
something is trying to start the
device and open a wormhole from
another dimension, so far it's been
unsuccessful.
DONNER
What's trying to do this?
ARTURO
I have no idea. That's why I
haven't opened the wormhole. Until
I can do further research, that
wormhole stays firmly shut.
All of a sudden the device whooshes to life and the vortex
starts opening.
ARTURO
What the bloody hell is happening?
Everyone looks at Liam, he's leaning on the "On" switch. He
realizes what he's done.
LIAM
OOPS!
Before anyone can do anything, a figure flies out of the
tunnel and it shuts. The figure gets up. The person looks
exactly like Liam except for the fact he's dressed completely
in black and has a goatee.
JESSE
Oh, this does NOT bode well.
LIAM
WOW! He looks exactly like me! But
he has to shave off that stupid
goatee.
This alternate Liam glares at our Liam.
LIAM
Maybe we could do a doublemint
commercial! Double you pleasure,
double your f-
The alternate Liam punches our Liam in the face.
ARTURO
Now see here! Stop that at once!
LIAM2
No.
Liam2 grabs Arturo by his robe and performs a judo-like throw
on him, sending him crashing into Jonathan and Jesse in turn,
sending them crashing into the wall, knocking them out.
BIPPO
Holy crap! He looks cool AND he's
whipping some ass! He's like… an
Anti-Liam!
The Anti-Liam stops. He then looks at Bippo.
ANTI-LIAM
Anti-Liam… I like that!
BIPPO
Does that mean you're going to
leave us conscious?
ANTI-LIAM
No.
The Anti-Liam pulls out a small metallic sphere. He then
drops it to the ground. It immediately sprays a greenish gas
everywhere. Much later, The gang wakes up. The sliding device
is gone.
LIAM
Anybody else think this is bad?
MUSICAL STING.
FADE OUT
------------- ---- -- -- ------ ------- ------------- ------
----- --------------------
THEME SONG (Sung to the theme from "Jack Of All Trades")
In the year 2001
In Texas lived Jason Donner
Liam Smith made fun of him
Proving that he's really dim
So Jason brought in Jesse
His mission: very clear!
He wrote this little parody
He finished, now it's here!
(guitar riff)
Liam hangs out with a werewolf
And a homicidal clown
Liam works at Circus Circus,
Las Vegas is his town!
He's clearly stalking Kari Wuhrer
He fought Satan and Scrappy Doo
The show's about to start
So our song is through
OLE!
---------------- ------------------- ---------------- ------
---------------------
The Liam Smith Show
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
Liam Smith/ The Anti-Liam
Co-Starring
Jason Donner
as
Donner
Seann William Scott
as
Thad Coffey
Cameron Diaz
as
Stacy VaVoom
Robert Floyd
as
Bippo the Clown
John Rhys-Davies
as
Professor Arturo
Jason Lee
as
Jesse Glaspey/Cosmic Weasel
Jack Black
as
Jonathan Krueger/Dr. Wham
INT. A DARKENED WAREHOUSE
The Anti-Liam is pacing back and forth in front of a group.
We can't see the group yet, but there's a lot of people in
that group.
ANTI-LIAM
I believe you are all wondering why
I brought you here today. I
definitely know who all of you are
and you definitely know who I am.
But I brought you here for a simple
reason: I want each and every one
of you to help me lay waste to
everyone and everything in this
city. I know each and everyone of
you so well that I shouldn't even
have to tell you why. Just do it.
Am I clear?
A silence. Anti-Liam turns the lights on to reveal an army of
Liam's from parallel universes. Barbarian Liams. Military
Liams. Viking, biker, terrorist, robot, alien, caveman and
even pirate Liams.
ANTI-LIAM
I said AM I CLEAR?
THE LIAM ARMY
YES SIR!
ANTI-LIAM
Then get out there, and ANNIHILATE
EVERYTHING!!!
The Liam Army marches out. Meanwhile back at Upta Creek.
INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, LIAM'S PLACE.
Liam and the gang are recuperating. Liam is pacing back and
forth.
LIAM
We have to find him! Who knows what
he could be up to with that sliding
device!
ARTURO
(Putting ice on his back.
Leers at Jesse and
Jonathan)
And why the bloody hell didn't you
two blistering idiots do anything?
JESSE
(Putting ice on forehead)
Forgive us, but we had 400 pounds
of Limey putting us through A WALL!
ARTURO
But don't the two of you have super
powers?
JONATHAN
(Putting ice on shoulder)
His powers never turn off. But that
doesn't matter considering he
doesn't have nigh invulnerability!
An ability I have… BUT ONLY WHEN I
SAY THE WORD!
STACY
So shouldn't the two of you go on
patrol or something? See if you can
find the Anti-Liam?
JESSE
Why? Evil or not… he's still Liam!
JONATHAN
Yeah, I mean come on… What's the
worst he could do? Gather an army
and try to destroy the city?
LIAM
(Pacing)
No… that's too simple. If I was
evil, I'd do something far worse.
Donner walks past a window, stops, walks back, looks out
again and stares.
DONNER
Guys? The Anti-Liam is leading an
army of various alternate Liams and
they're destoying the city.
THAD
How do you know that?
DONNER
Because they're starting outside
our building.
Everyone rushes to the window.
LIAM
Oh boy… This isn't good.
Everyone stares at Jesse and Jonathan.
JESSE
We get it! We get it! We're going!
We're going!
Jesse and Jonathan head for the door.
LIAM
Hurry!
JESSE
Fine! But you asked for it!
INT. CIRCUS, CIRCUS. SENESTRA'S OFFICE.
Rock and Tank are looking out the window.
ROCK
Um, boss. you should look at
this!
SENESTRA
Not now, cretins! I'm busy!
TANK
You should see this! It's that
guy, Liam Smith! Something weird
is going on with him!
SENESTRA
Fine! One look and that's it!
Senestra looks out the window. She sees the Liam Army
ripping up the town.
SENESTRA
Oh... my... GOD! There's more
of him???
Senestra faints. Rock & Tank neglect to catch her.
EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, LIAM'S PLACE.
Jesse and Jonathan turn and rush the other way. They crash
outside through the closed windows and dive towards the
ground. On the way down, Jesse taps his ring changing him
into the Cosmic Weasel. He then grabs a hold of a flagpole to
slow his decent, he then springs off that flipping forward
and landing on the roof of a car. At the same time, Jonathan
calls out the magic word…
JONATHAN
NIPPLAGE!
Thunder and lightning crash and Jonathan is transformed into
Dr. Wham before he even reaches the ground, where he flies
over to The Cosmic Weasel.
DR. WHAM
What do you think? Our coolest
entrance ever?
COSMIC WEASEL
Definitely up there.
The Liam Army sees them.
DR. WHAM
All right, which of these cowpies
do we take out first?
COSMIC WEASEL
Let's find out. HEY JACKASSES!
Which one of you pathetic clone war
rejects wants to step up to an
asskicking first?
The crowd of Liams parts and one steps forward. He is
slightly more muscular than the Liam we know.
COSMIC WEASEL
Ah, a pushover! Ready for an ass
whooping?
This Liam suddenly grows an extra two feet and turns into a
cyborg.
L.I.A.M.
I am Linear Ionic Auto-Mechanoid.
Surrender or die.
COSMIC WEASEL
Well this figures.
The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham tackle L.I.A.M. and dive into
the swarm of Liams. Meanwhile, our Liam and his friends watch
from the windows.
STACY
Think they're going to be all
right?
LIAM
They better be! They owe me two
windows!
All of a sudden, the entire building shakes.
ARTURO
What the devil was that?
DONNER
It sounds like it's coming from the
roof.
LIAM
Let's see what it is!
Liam runs out. The group looks at one another. There's a long
pause.
DONNER
So I take it we're going to file
this under "stupid group
decisions"?
Everyone nods in agreement and follow after Liam. They get to
the roof, only to see The Anti-Liam there, working on the
sliding device. Anti-Liam turns and notices them.
EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE ROOF.
ANTI-LIAM
Hey! Glad you made it!
Anti-Liam pulls out a gun and fires on the gang. They dive
behind an air conditioner/ventilation system.
THAD
Now what?
LIAM
We wet ourselves and pray someone
saves us?
DONNER
Oh come on! The two closest heroes
are fighting an army in the middle
of the street! The odds of other
superheroes coming to our rescue
are…
CAPEMAN
CAAAAAAAPPPPPPPEEEEEEMMAAAAAAAAAAN
NNNNNNNN!!!!!
DONNER
… Disturbingly good?
Capeman and the Justice Squad fly down. Ultrawoman, Nightflyer, Blue
Fairy, Colossal Chunk and Captain Spaz fly down into the
melee, helping Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham. Capeman flys over
to the Anti-Liam. He then bounces off a force field.
ANTI-LIAM
HA! You think I didn't see this
coming? I programmed a force field
to keep every superhuman and freak
show away from me!
CAPEMAN
Force field or not. I've punched
through much tougher things.
Capeman starts punching away at the force field. The Anti
Liam calmly walks up to the field and leans forward.
ANTI-LIAM
You might as well stop, Capeman.
You're going to have your hands
full. I always, ALWAYS think ahead.
Capeman stops.
CAPEMAN
Oh really? Any reason why?
ANTI-LIAM
(Whispers)
Simple. I know who you are.
Capeman stops dead in his tracks.
ANTI-LIAM
On my Earth… I found out your
secret identity and killed you
myself. Here, I'll let MY Capeman
do it for me.
CAPEMAN
YOUR Capeman?
Capeman is tapped on the shoulder. He turns around to see a
Capeman that looks exactly like Liam.
CAPEMAN
Hello!
CAPELIAM
Goodbye!
CapeLiam punches Capeman sending him flying back, crashing
into a Swill Cola sign.
ANTI-LIAM
MY Capeman! A Liam pulled from a
world where HE is Capeman! And an
Evil one at that! HAHAHAHAA!
Meanwhile, The Justice Squad is fighting along side The
Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham.
EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE STREET OUTSIDE.
COSMIC WEASEL
(punching a Caveman Liam)
You guys took your sweet time!
ULTRAWOMAN
(Throwing Siamese Twin
Liams through a window)
Sorry but we got caught off guard.
Usually calls about an army of
interdimensional Liam Smiths aren't
the kind of thing we're used to.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
And th-th-th-there's so many of
them!
DR. WHAM
That's usually the key part of an
"army", Spaz.
COLOSSAL CHUNK
CHUNK SMASH LITTLE MEN!
The Colossal Chunk is then overwhelmed by various Ape-Liams.
NIGHTFLYER
SWEET JESUS! They got Chunk!
Blue Fairy is then dragged off by a bird-Liam
BLUE FAIRY
GAH!
DR. WHAM
Where did the Anti-Liam find the
time to get all these Liams?
ULTRAWOMAN
It doesn't matter! We need back up
and we need it NOW!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
You wouldn't…
ULTRAWOMAN
I'm calling in The Justice Squad
West Coast!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Oh god, we're dead.
------------------ -------------------------- ---------------
------------- ----------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Drink Swill Cola! It's great! Just listen to our spokeswoman!
Kari Wuhrer: Drink Swill! It only looks like crap!
Drink Swill! By DonCo.
---------------- -------------------------- -----------------
---------- --------------------------
EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE STREET OUTSIDE
The Justice Squad is continuing to fight The Liam Army.
Capeman is fighting CapeLiam. The Anti-Liam is continuing his
work on his sliding device.
COSMIC WEASEL
The Justice Squad WHAT?
ULTRAWOMAN
The Justice Squad West Coast! After
we let you two in the team, we
figured we'd take a page from
Capeman's book.
COSMIC WEASEL
And do what?
ULTRAWOMAN
Franchise.
DR. WHAM
Waitaminute. If the Justice Squad's
purpose is to save the world...
Then what's the point of having a
team on the west coast?
NIGHTFLYER
SEMANTICS! Here they come!
The Justice Squad West Coast flies down into the brawl. They
are THE GREEN BULIMIC, CHICKEN-PLUCKER, JOHNNY FLESH-WOUNDS,
BIKINI GIRL & LINGERIE LASS and TOILET-MAN & BIDET! The Green
Bulimic take charge and assesses the situation.
GREEN BULIMIC
Everyone watch each other's backs!
We can beat these… um… what are we
fighting?
NIGHTFLYER
Otherdimensional versions of a guy
we know.
GREEN BULIMIC
Ah. Look out!
Green Bulimic shoves Nightflyer out of the way and vomits all
over an alternate Liam. Green Bulimic then punches that Liam
out.
COSMIC WEASEL
That's DISGUSTING! UGH!
Another alternate Liam jumps Cos from behind. Chicken-Plucker
dives into the rescue. Chicken-Plucker pulls a live chicken
off his belt and then holds it in front of the alternate
Liam.
CHICKEN-PLUCKER
MOTHER PLUCKERRRRRRRRR!
Cos and Dr. Wham flinch as they hear a bizarre squishing
noise with a hint of clucking. Feathers fly past Cos and Doc,
and a bloodcurdling scream is heard. Chicken-Plucker then
walks away calmly and passes Cos and Doc who have disgusted
looks on their faces.
CHICKEN-PLUCKER
No need to thank me! The action is
it's own reward!
DR. WHAM
Now THAT was disgusting.
Toilet-Man, a hero with a giant toilet bowl on his head runs
up to Cos and Doc with his sidekick, Bidet.
TOILET-MAN
Cosmic Weasel! Dr. Wham! Quickly!
You two back us up while we take
out that giant hairy French version
of Liam!
Toilet-Man and Bidet run off towards that giant hairy French
Liam. Cos stays right where he is.
DR. WHAM
Why aren't you helping them?
COSMIC WEASEL
I am not taking orders from a guy
with a toilet on his head!
DR. WHAM
Why not?
COSMIC WEASEL
Because he's full of crap!
Rim shot.
DR. WHAM
You through now?
COSMIC WEASEL
Pretty much.
All of a sudden a giant Liam with four arms stands up behind
Cos and Doc. They turn around and pause.
COSMIC WEASEL
Well, ain't that a bitch?
All of a sudden, Johnny Flesh-Wounds jumps in front of Cos
and Doc. He wears dark sunglasses and an Armani suit.
JOHNNY FLESH-WOUNDS
Stand back, fellas! It's time for
Johnny Flesh-Wounds to make a BIG
HIT!!!
Johnny Flesh-Wounds pulls out twin .45's ands opens fire on
the Liam and empties both clips into it. Unfortunately…
COSMIC WEASEL
You didn't hit a damn thing!
Johnny Flesh-Wounds takes off his sunglasses and looks
directly at Cos and Doc. His eyes are completely crossed.
JOHNNY FLESH-WOUNDS
I'm trying the best I can!!!
Johnny Flesh-Wounds runs off after the four-armed Liam.
Bikini Girl and Lingerie Lass walk up.
COSMIC WEASEL
So what are your powers?
BIKINI GIRL
We do not need powers.
LINGERIE LASS
We are hot chicks.
A pause
COSMIC WEASEL
I can't find a flaw in that logic…
you two wanna go have a drink?
BIKINI GIRL
Look out!
Bikini Girl shoves Cosmic Weasel out of the way. Her and
Lingerie Lass and tackle a female Liam.
DR. WHAM
Sure are a lot of superheroes
around here.
COSMIC WEASEL
Yep. First one shows up, then
another, then next thing you know,
they're swarming like flies around…
An explosion goes off behind them. It's Capeman and CapeLiam,
slugging it out.
CAPEMAN
DIE!
CAPELIAM
No, YOU die!
CAPEMAN
No YOU!
COSMIC WEASEL
Think we should get out of here?
DR. WHAM
Um, yeah. I'm hungry. Let's get
something to eat.
All of a sudden Decoy dives in front of them. He looks
exactly like Liam
DECOY-LIAM
You're not going anywhere!
Cos and Doc pause. They shove Decoy-Liam out of the way as
they walk back into the apartments.
DECOY-LIAM
HEY!
Decoy-Liam is about to chase after them when he is killed by
several of Johnny Flesh-Wounds' stray bullets. Meanwhile,
back on the roof. The Anti-Liam continues to work.
EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE ROOF.
LIAM
I can't hide behind here longer! I
need answers!
Liam gets up and walks over to the force field.
ANTI-LIAM
Can I do something for you?
LIAM
I need to know why? Why are you
doing this? What made you like
this?
ANTI-LIAM
Honestly? Luck.
LIAM
Luck?
ANTI-LIAM
Bad luck. Tons of it. I was
orphaned, abused by my "friends",
treated like crap by my boss… Do
you have any idea what that's like?
LIAM
(very long pause)
No. No I wouldn't.
ANTI-LIAM
Well I couldn't take it anymore! I
snapped! I killed everyone! My
idiot friends, my fat landlord, my
cheap floozy of a sister, that
skeeze I called "boss", the most
powerful hero on my world…
DONNER
(pulling out a notepad)
Hey! Could you describe how you did
that one?
ANTI-LIAM
I was dominating my foes! Until a
vampire and two lazy superheroes I
knew threw me into a sliding portal
and shut it. Forcing me to slide
for god knows how long… until you
released me.
THAD
Oh god… I died and Drew lived?
Where's the justice?
STACY
Two superheroes? Is he talking
about who I think he's talking
about?
DONNER
God, I hope not.
All of a sudden, the door flies open and Cos and Doc walk out
with beer in one hand and pizza in the other.
COSMIC WEASEL
We should have a good view of the
brawl from here… HEY! You're the
cheese eating dick monkey that put
us through a wall!
ANTI-LIAM
Oh my… you two are on this world
too? This will be so sweet! Had I
recognized you earlier, I probably
would have killed you sooner.
Cos and Doc rush Anti-Liam and bounce off the force field,
falling flat on their asses.
ANTI-LIAM
HA! You idiots can't touch me! I'm
behind a force field programmed to
keep superheroes out!
Cos and Doc stand up.
COSMIC WEASEL
Didja hear that, Doc? He has a
force field to keep superheroes
out!
DR. WHAM
Will wonders never cease! Plan B?
COSMIC WEASEL
Plan B.
LIAM & ANTI-LIAM
Plan B?
Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham pull out two handguns.
ARTURO
What the hell are they doing?
ANTI-LIAM
What the hell are you doing?
COSMIC WEASEL
You see, I'm willing to bet that
while you programmed the force
field to keep out superheroes, you
neglected to program it to keep out
bullets!
ARTURO
That would explain why bullets
passed through when he was firing
on us!
ANTI-LIAM
You're bluffing! You two would damn
yourselves if you shot me!
DR. WHAM
I'm thinking he didn't fix that
force field. I mean he may be a
short evil SOB, but he IS Liam
COSMIC WEASEL
Well, let's find out!
Cos and Doc open fire. They clip Anti-Liam in the leg and
destroy the sliding device.
DR. WHAM
Hey! We were right!
LIAM
And you guys didn't kill the Anti
Liam! You just wounded him!
COSMIC WEASEL
(looking at the gun)
Well, that's only because Johnny
Flesh-Wound's guns have just as bad
aim as he does.
ANTI-LIAM
You… IDIOTS! You're all dead now!!!
COSMIC WEASEL
Any reason why?
ANTI-LIAM
I was opening a portal to pull
through one final Liam before I
would escape. Now we're all dead!
The portal is opening now!
A huge portal opens in the sky.
LIAM
What kind of Liam were you pulling
through???
ANTI-LIAM
The biggest!
A giant Liam steps through the portal. He is reptilian and
very, very big. He is…
ANTI-LIAM
LIAMZILLA! And he's going to
destroy us all!!! And you destroyed
the only way to get rid of him!
Everyone looks at the giant Liam.
COSMIC WEASEL
Well, that's it! I quit!
------------------ -------------------------- ---------------
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
- NBC: We're number one!
- ABC: No. We're number one!
- CBS: No. You're both wrong. We're number one!
- FOX: Bitch, get me a soda!
------------------------ --------------------------------- --
------------------------------------
EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE ROOF.
Liam and the gang are on the roof staring at Liamzilla.
COSMIC WEASEL
Well… anyone have any ideas?
LIAM
Can't say I do.
DR. WHAM
I got nothing.
THAD
Drawing a blank.
STACY
I'm at a loss.
DONNER
Ditto.
BIPPO
Can I keep it?
ARTURO
Why doesn't somebody try to blow
the bloody thing up?
Everyone stares at Arturo.
ARTURO
What? I can't get violent? Just
shove some explosives down that
stupid thing's throat and blow it
sky high!
COSMIC WEASEL
Now where are we going to get
enough explosives to blow that
thing up?
Everyone does a slow turn to look to Bippo.
BIPPO
What? What?
DR. WHAM
Bippo… buddy… pal…
BIPPO
Oh no! I'm saving those for a
special holiday!
THAD
The 4th of July?
BIPPO
No. Thanksgiving, silly! Bet the
ol' family won't expect the
stuffing I put in the turkey this
year! KABOOM!
COSMIC WEASEL
Come on, Bippo. You'll help save
the world.
BIPPO
No! They're mine!
COSMIC WEASEL
Please?
BIPPO
No!
COSMIC WEASEL
What's that? I couldn't hear you.
Yes?
BIPPO
No!
COSMIC WEASEL
Yes?
BIPPO
No!
COSMIC WEASEL
Yes?
BIPPO
No!
COSMIC WEASEL
Yes?
BIPPO
No!
COSMIC WEASEL
No?
BIPPO
Yes!
COSMIC WEASEL
Okay. Thanks! We'll just help
ourselves!
Bippo pauses.
BIPPO
Aw dammit!
A couple of minutes later. The roof is lined with explosives.
COSMIC WEASEL
Damn. If this doesn't give that big
green bastard indigestion, I don't
know what will.
DR. WHAM
Where is he now?
DONNER
(looking through
binoculars)
He's at the corner of Stipe
Boulevard and Maxine Road.
Destroying a Spencer's Gifts.
COSMIC WEASEL
Maybe he'll get distracted with all
that glow in the dark and neon crap
they sell.
LIAM
Now how are we going to get him to
swallow all these explosives?
COSMIC WEASEL
Well, we could wire them all into a
giant pill shaped like a
Flintstones Chewable and then whip
it into his mouth then… KABLOOIE!
DR. WHAM
"Kablooie!"
COSMIC WEASEL
Exactly.
DONNER
That's the dumbest idea I've ever
heard.
THAD
Do you have a better idea?
Five minutes later… the gang is looking at a giant
Flintstone's Chewable shaped like Barney.
DR. WHAM
We should've made it shaped like
Betty.
COSMIC WEASEL
Yeah. She was hot!
STACY
(looking through the
binoculars)
There he is! Coming our way!
ARTURO
Where's the Justice Squad and those
other guys?
DR. WHAM
Oh, they beat the Liam army and now
they're storing them in a warehouse
until they can figure out what to
do with them. They're also treating
Chunk and Blue Fairy and others
that were injured.
DONNER
And Capeman?
DR. WHAM
Look downstairs.
Donner and others lean over to see Capeman and CapeLiam still
fighting.
DONNER
Geez, talk about dragging it out…
Hey. Does CapeLiam have an agent?
STACY
Wait! How are we going to get that
giant pill into Liamzilla's mouth?
A pause
COSMIC WEASEL
Oh crap!
DR. WHAM
Wait! I have an Idea! CAPEMAN!
KNOCK CAPELIAM INTO LIAMZILLA'S
GUT!
CAPEMAN
Ok. Whatever.
Capeman decks CapeLiam, sending him flying ten feet too low.
CapeLiam slams directly into Liamzilla's hoo-hah.
COSMIC WEASEL
Jesus! Does every superhero in this
town have lousy aim?
Liamzilla's jaw drops and a whimper squeaks out. While his
mouth is open, Cos and Doc hurl the pill through the air and
sink it right into Liamzilla's mouth. Liamzilla instinctively
swallows.
DR. WHAM
NOW!
Bippo presses the switch and Liamzilla is blow'd up. His tail
falls directly on CapeLiam, knocking him out.
COSMIC WEASEL
YEAH!
DR. WHAM
WOOHOO!
Everyone is then pelted by Liamzilla bits. Two basketball
sized spheres slam into Cos and Doc.
COSMIC WEASEL
(getting up)
Ow. I think we got hit by his
eyeballs!
STACY
(looks closer)
You're half right. And I don't mean
the eye part.
A pause.
COSMIC WEASEL
(Shoving "it" away from
him.)
OH GROSS!
A gunshot goes off. Everyone turns to see the Anti-Liam
holding a gun. His leg is still bleeding.
ANTI-LIAM
Oh sure! You've defeated my army
and ruined my plans but I WILL have
the last laugh!
LIAM
Safety's on.
ANTI-LIAM
What?
LIAM
The safety to your gun… it's on.
As the Anti-Liam looks at the gun, Liam punches him out.
Everyone stares at Liam.
LIAM
What? Sure, he was evil. But he IS
just a double of me!
Everyone laughs. Later, Police Chief Piggy is talking to Liam
as the police escort Anti-Liam into a patrol car.
EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE STREET OUTSIDE
POLICE CHIEF PIGGY
Okay. Let me get this straight. The
army of people that look an awful
lot like you were alternates from
another dimension? And when the
Justice Squad beat them up, you
sent them back to the dimensions
they came from using an
interdimensional portal you rebuilt
after The Cosmic Weasel and Dr.
Wham shot it up.
LIAM
Yes.
POLICE CHIEF PIGGY
And this guy we're putting in the
cruiser was the ringleader and he
tried to kill you as well?
LIAM
Yep.
POLICE CHIEF PIGGY
So we brought all these paddy
wagons down here for nothing.
LIAM
Basically.
POLICE CHIEF PIGGY
Screw it. Someone's gonna pay…
Piggy looks at the Anti-Liam
POLICE CHIEF PIGGY
YOU, MY FRIEND… ARE GOING AWAY FOR
A LONG, LONG TIME! YOU WILL BE
TOSSING SALAD IN PRISON LIKE THERE
IS NO TOMORROW!
Piggy gets in the cruiser and they drive off very quickly.
Liam shakes his head and goes over to Capeman and the Justice
Squad and Justice Squad West Coast.
LIAM
Thanks again for coming to fight
the Liam Army!
CAPEMAN
No problem, Liam. The Justice Squad
is ready for any threat that comes
our way!
BLUE FAIRY
WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? WE DAMN NEAR
GOT OUR BUTTS KICKED!
CAPEMAN
…Well it just depends on how you
look at it.
NIGHTFLYER
Through the veil of denial and
shame we've come to know you for?
CAPEMAN
That's the one!
GREEN BULIMIC
Well, I have to say this is great
for our first team up! When will we
do this again?
ULTRAWOMAN
Um… we'll get back to you guys on
that.
TOILET-MAN
Hey. Has anyone seen Bikini Girl
and Lingerie Lass?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
And for that matter… Anyone seen
Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham?
Right on cue, Cos, Doc, Bikini Girl and Lingerie Lass walk
out. Cos and Doc's clothes are messed up, as are the girls'
hair. Cos is smoking a cigarette.
BIKINI GIRL
So you'll call me?
DR. WHAM
Sure…… I'll call. Really.
COLOSSAL CHUNK
Smoking bad for Ephereal Gopher.
COSMIC WEASEL
So's half the stuff Lingerie Lass
did to me! Whoo!
ULTRAWOMAN
On that note… Let's get out of
here.
The Justice Squad fly off, leaving Cos and Doc with the
Justice Squad West Coast.
COSMIC WEASEL
So how are you guys getting back to
your headquarters? Jet?
Transporter?
CHICKEN-PLUCKER
My mini-van is parked around the
corner.
COSMIC WEASEL
Ah.
JOHNNY FLESH-WOUNDS
I'm driving!
The Justice Squad West Coast sigh and walk off. Cos and Doc
shrug and walk back towards the building.
COSMIC WEASEL
So, you really going to call her?
DR. WHAM
Who?
COSMIC WEASEL
Guess that answers that question.
Meanwhile, the police cruiser carrying The Anti-Liam is
headed towards the precinct when a explosion blocks its path.
The doors are then ripped off by an unseen force. The
mysterious figure hovers over the car.
EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS.
MYSTERY FIGURE
Anti-Liam. I have use for your keen
mind and burning hatred! Come with
me and vengeance will be yours!
ANTI-LIAM
Oh, I'm in. I am VERY in.
The Anti-Liam leaves with the Mystery Figure.
POLICE CHIEF PIGGY
Well, this can't be good!
FADE OUT
ROLL CREDITS