EXT. THE WOODS - NIGHT
Somewhere in a long-forgotten part of the woods, thunder
cracks over head and rain pours. It's a truly dreadful storm
as five figures tromp through the overgrowth. It's LIAM,
STACY, PROFESSOR ARTURO, THAD, and BIPPO. All are totally
soaked and look miserable.
ARTURO
This is going along swimmingly,
Liam! Only you could piss off the
oracle of teleportation and have it
flash us all into the middle of
nowhere in the middle of the second
great deluge!
LIAM
It wasn't MY fault it looked like a
urinal! Maybe the Aztecs should
have thought about that when they
made it!
STACY
Well, at least we saved Las Vegas
before the stone warriors of
Technoclichan made everyone
sacrifices to the Aztec god of
fertility.
BIPPO
(to camera)
Yes, a truly wonderful and awe
inspiring adventure. I feel sorry
for everyone who missed it.
LIAM
We need to find some shelter.
THAD
Thanks for the news flash, Tom
Brokaw! Where are we going to find
shelter in the middle of the
woods!? I mean, it's not like it's
just going to pop up out of
nowhere!
Lightning flashes. We see an old run down house right in
front of them.
THAD
(To sky)
It's not like incredibly gorgeous
big-tittied women are going to pop
up out of nowhere!
Nothing.
THAD
Dammit.
STACY
Come ON!
They all run towards the house.
INT. THE HOUSE
There is at least an inch of dust on everything in the house
that is seriously in need of repair. The furniture fabrics
are tattered and aged and a large fireplace sits in the
living room. The gang enters sopping wet.
STACY
Well, at least it seems dry in
here.
THAD
Man, I can't believe we're missing
Triumph's annual Halloween Bash for
this! This is the worst Halloween
ever!
ARTURO
Oh yes. Missing a party full of
salivating Great Danes and neurotic
Chihuahua's. I feel so robbed.
THAD
He's got Robert Goulet this year.
ARTURO
Robert Goulet!? Son of a...!
LIAM
At least we have each other.
THAD
Liam, do me a favor and stop trying
to cheer me up. Bippo, give me
those matches.
Thad takes the matches that Bippo was trying to use to burn
down the house and lights a nearby candle. The room is
partially illuminated.
STACY
Charming.
LIAM
Wow, it's like those old haunted
house movies!
ARTURO
Don't be a baby, Liam! There's no
such thing as ghosts!
Suddenly, we hear a wail from upstairs. The gang huddles
together.
LIAM
Still don't believe in ghosts,
professor?
ARTURO
Absolutely not!
LIAM
Then could you please let go of my
hand? You're crushing it.
ARTURO
Sorry.
FADE OUT:
Theme Song (Sung to the theme of "The Addams Family")
It's stupid and insulting,
Insipid and revolting,
Intelligence is bolting.
The Liam Smith Show
There is no sign of smartness
A monster lives in Loch Ness,
And Bobby Fisher plays chess.
The Liam Smith Show
Snap! Snap!
OLE!
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
and
John Rhys-Davies
as
Professor Arturo
Also Starring
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
Guest Starring
Art Carney
as
"The Exorcist"
Zelda Rubinstein
as
"Tangea"
The Cryptkeeper
And Special Guest Star
Elvira
INT. THE HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
The gang reassembles in the living room where a roaring fire
is now going in the fireplace.
LIAM
Anything?
STACY
We've searched the house top to
bottom and there's nobody else in
here.
THAD
We couldn't find anything that
could have made that crying noise
either.
BIPPO
And I've been sitting in the corner
contemplating the viscosity of
merange pie filling when mixed with
a nitrous base.
LIAM
How does that...!? Nevermind.
STACY
There was one thing I found that...
Well, I didn't want to mention it,
but...
ARTURO
Spit it out, child.
STACY
Well, I found a nursery upstairs.
Dolls and a crib and a rocking
chair all covered in dust. It's
almost as if the mother and baby
left suddenly years ago and never
came back!
LIAM
And... That scream DID sound like a
baby!
ARTURO
Poppycock!
LIAM
How can you say that, professor?
With all the run-ins we've had with
Satan, Thad being a werewolf, and
all the other stuff we've seen, how
can you discount the paranormal so
easily?
ARTURO
Because I believe what I see, Liam.
Not the demons that weak minds
concoct when the lights are out.
BIPPO
You're talking about us again,
aren't you?
Suddenly, the door flies open and a dark shadowy figure
stands as lighting flashes behind it.
ARTURO
Jesus, Mary, and Jospeh! Thad,
protect me!
The figure advances into the light and we see that's it's
ELVIRA: MISTRESS OF THE DARK.
BIPPO
Oh my GOD! It's ELVIRA!
ELVIRA
Someone GET the man a prize!
LIAM
What are you doing way out here in
the middle of nowhere?
STACY
At this time of night?
THAD
In THAT outfit?
ELVIRA
Long story, sweetie... Let's just
say that when a trucker says "put
out or get out", he means it. So,
since I'm stranded out here with
you people, what do you do for
entertainment?
BIPPO
Topless dancing!
ELVIRA
All right...
Stacy stops her from taking her top off.
STACY
ACTUALLY... I was about to suggest
that we tell some ghost stories.
ELVIRA
Well, this is certainly the right
place. This is a haunted house if
I ever saw one.
ARTURO
Balderdash!
ELVIRA
I take it that Shamu here doesn't
scare very easily?
ARTURO
Not on your life, ma'am.
THAD
Well, in that case... I've got a
story for you, professor...
FADE TO:
INT. THE HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
The gang and Elvira are sitting in a circle. Thad is shining
a flashlight into his face.
THAD
(to Arturo)
...and THAT is how much it will
cost to remove ALL the asbestos
from the apartments.
ARTURO
(horrified)
No... No.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
BIPPO
Well, I give that story a suck
factor of 11.
STACY
No, no, no... Guys! I meant a
scary story!
LIAM
You mean like Mister Hook-hand, or
that one where the killer is
calling from upstairs, or "The
Princess Diaries?"
There is another ghostly shriek from upstairs. In the
corner of the room, an empty rocking chair begins to rock.
THAD
Does anyone have a tissue? I feel
the sudden need to wipe myself.
ELVIRA
Wow. Sounds like there IS a
poltergeist in this house!
ARTURO
Bollocks! It's just the wind!
ELVIRA
What you guys need is a GOOD scary
story. None of that cliched crap
you've heard a thousand times
before.
BIPPO
And I suppose you've got just the
story for us?
Elvira smiles.
ELVIRA
It all begins in a small town
called Amityville...
FADE TO:
EXT. A SMALL TOWN
From a distance, we see the see the town. Menacing music
plays.
SUBTITLE: "Halloween"
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
EXT. A SMALL TOWN
Just the same as when we last saw it. Menacing music
plays.
SUBTITLE: "Friday the Thirteeth"
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
EXT. A SMALL TOWN
Just the same as when we last saw it. Menacing music
plays.
SUBTITLE: "Last Summer"
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
EXT. A SMALL TOWN
Just the same as when we last saw it. Menacing music
plays.
SUBTITLE: "Jaime Lee Curtis' Birthday"
EXT. A SMALL TOWN NEIGHBORHOOD
A car pulls up to the House from THE AMITYVILLE HORROR.
LIAM, THAD, BIPPO, STACY, and ARTURO get out and look.
STACY
Oh, it's gorgeous
ARTURO
Yes, a fair step up from Upda Creek
Apartments.
LIAM
Yeah, but I'm going to miss that
place.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
FLASHBACK:
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
There are lights and strange sounds coming from every window
as LIAM, THAD, ARTURO, and BIPPO run out the front door.
ARTURO
RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!
Stacy pulls up in a car and, in shock, stands in front of the
building.
STACY
What's...? What's happening?
WHAT'S HAPPENING!?
RERUN from "What's Happening" walks up to her.
STACY
Can I have your autograph, Rerun?
I Loved 'What's Happening'!
RERUN
Sure thing, sweet thang!
Liam and the others grab Stacy and take off in the car as the
apartments are sucked into a single point of light taking
Rerun with it. Triumph sticks his heed out the window of a
limo window.
TRIUMPH
Son of my Mom! Did you see that!?
That is an awesome spectacle... FOR
ME TO POOP ON!!!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
THE PRESENT
EXT. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE
Liam, Stacy, Arturo, and Thad are staring straight ahead lost
in the memory. Bippo is taking their wallets.
INT. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE
Liam, Arturo, Stacy, Bippo, and Thad enter.
LIAM
What a beautiful house!
DEMONIC VOICE
GET OUT!
LIAM
Too bad we can't stay!
Liam turns to leave, but is caught by the arm by Arturo.
ARTURO
Don't be such a frog, Liam. That's
simply the wind.
BIPPO (O.C.)
Then what's this?
The camera angles on Bippo who is pointing to blood dripping
down the wall.
ARTURO
Good... GOD!
Arturo walks over and looks.
ARTURO
That's the WORST paint job I've
ever seen!
FADE TO:
INT. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE
Movers are now placing boxes and furniture in the living
room. As Liam, Arturo, Stacy, and Bippo supervises. The
MOVER'S BOSS walks up to Arturo and hands him a bill. Arturo
writes him a check.
ARTURO
I threw in a little extra for those
workers of yours who were turned
inside out in the basement and had
those pagan demonic symbols burned
onto their foreheads.
The boss takes the check and snaps his fingers. All of the
movers run for the door screaming in terror. Many of them
have had their eyes gouged out and tongues ripped from their
mouths. Within five seconds, the movers are gone.
BIPPO
Wow! Is immigration coming to
town?
Thad enters out of breath.
THAD
GUYS!
Thad runs up to them with papers in his hand.
THAD
I was down at the library and...
LIAM
What were you doing at a library?
THAD
I got lost. Anyway, I found out
some stuff about this house that I
think you guys should know!
Thad puts various newspaper clippings and books on the table.
The others walk over and look.
THAD
This house was built on the site of
an ancient Indian burial ground by
a man who designed the structure to
attract Gozer to the earth plane.
After he went insane in 1921, the
house was bought by the Church of
Pure Evil and was used as the site
of various human sacrifices and
satanic rituals. In 1934, it was
bought by the state and made an
asylum for the criminally insane.
A Decade later, it was shut down
when it was discovered that the
doctors were torturing inmates and
using them in bizarre godless
experiments. Then, the house was
bought by a man and his family.
BIPPO
My... GOD!
THAD
The father went insane and killed
his entire family with a cleaver
because he said "the voices" made
him do it.
BIPPO
Whew! I was getting worried there
for a minute.
THAD
This house is EVIL!
ARTURO
Your list proves nothing, Thad my
boy. Just that you have an
overactive imagination and...
LIAM
The walls are bleeding again.
ARTURO
(sighs)
I'll get the sponge.
Arturo leaves. Stacy is looking at the clippings.
STACY
Thad, did you know that these books
are marked "Do not remove from
library under penalty of law"?
There is the sound of a police siren.
THAD
(sighs)
I'll see you guys in ten to twenty.
Thad exits.
FADE TO:
EXT. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE - DAY
A car drives up to the side of the house. DONNER gets out
and approaches the house talking on a cell phone.
DONNER
(sighs)
Yeah, I'll be there later. I've
got to drop off some papers in
Amityville and then I'll head your
way. Bye.
He hangs up and starts for the front door.
DEMONIC VOICE
Get out!
Donner stops in his tracks and looks around in
confusion.
DONNER
Uh... I am out.
A beat.
DEMONIC VOICE
Get in.
DONNER
Um, okay.
Donner walks in the door.
DONNER
Okay, I'm in.
DEMONIC VOICE
GET OUT!
DONNER
GAH!
Donner runs away.
FADE TO:
EXT. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE - NIGHT
Bippo is walking through a hall when he notices a draft
coming from a wall.
BIPPO
How odd.
Bippo walks over to the wall and notices that the wall is
actually a bricked up doorway.
BIPPO
Oo... Ho!
Bippo suddenly has a sledgehammer in his hand.
BIPPO
I've been waiting to use this since
I got it from the hardware store!
Bippo begins beating the brick wall. The bricks fall in
front of him revealing a HIDDEN ROOM.
INT. THE HIDDEN ROOM
There is an inch of dust on everything. In the center of the
room sits a tiny wheelchair that looks like it hasn't been
touched in decades.
BIPPO
Wow! It's like Christmas and my
birthday all rolled into one!
Suddenly, the wheelchair COMES TO LIFE and heads right for
Bippo. The wheelchair knocks Bippo off his feet and into the
seat as it careens madly out the door.
INT. THE HALLWAY
Liam exits his room wearing his Buzz Lightyear underoos.
LIAM
Teach me to drink so much grape
soda before bed.
Bippo and the wheelchair screams by knocking Liam into
Bippo's lap.
INT. THE STAIRCASE
The wheelchair appears at the top of the stairs with Liam and
Bippo and then tumbles downward head over heals. Bippo,
Liam, and the wheelchair end up in a heap at the bottom of
the stairs. Bippo and Liam lay there for a second before
looking at each other. Broad grins break out on their faces
and they both begin giggling.
CUT TO:
INT. THE STAIRCASE
Bippo is in the wheelchair as Liam pushes is down the stairs.
BIPPO
WEEEEEEE!!!
Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud! WHAM!
LIAM
All right! All right! My turn!
My turn!
INT. THE LIVING ROOM
Stacy is reading a book in the quite when suddenly, we hear
soft footsteps padding in the room upstairs. Stacy doesn't
notice. The footsteps get heavier and Stacy finally looks up
in annoyance.
STACY
Damn those boys.
Liam, Bippo, and Arturo walk by.
LIAM
(mid-conversation)
...so I told Thad not to bend over
to pick up the soap in the prison
showers, but you know he didn't
listen and now he's a blubbering
mess and won't stop sucking his
thumb. If you ask me...
They exit. Stacy watches them go. The footsteps start
again. Stacy seems resolved to ignore them. Suddenly, we
start to hear tapdancing from upstairs. Stacy still ignores
it. There is a small silence and then WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
It sounds like someone upstairs is jumping up and down to get
attention. The Chandelier begins to shake and just when it
seems like things can't get any louder... CRUNCH!
DEMONIC VOICE
Son of a...!
Stacy looks up and sees a white see-through ghostly boot
sticking out of a hole in the ceiling. It is quickly pulled
through the hole and out of sight.
INT. THE DINING ROOM
Arturo, Bippo, Liam, and Stacy are having dinner.
STACY
Guys, I'm beginning to think that
this house is haunted.
ARTURO
Preposterous!
LIAM
Don't worry, Stacy, I'm beginning
to think the same thing too. Why,
last night I had the sudden urge to
take a knife and stab Bippo in the
head.
BIPPO
Oh, was THAT what all that was
about? Lucky for me, I've taken to
sleeping with a football helmet.
ARTURO
What are you people trying to tell
me? Are you saying that this house
is alive?
LIAM
I'm saying that this house is
reacting to us and the reactions
are getting stronger!
Liam and Arturo stop, look at the camera, and then proceed to
argue.
ARTURO
Bull! There's nothing out of the
ordinary going on here! I...
BIPPO
Walls are bleeding again.
ARTURO
Well, son of a...
Arturo picks up a sponge and a pail and walks off.
INT. THE HALLWAY
Liam is walking down the hallway when he hears a horrible
gagging noise coming from Stacy's room. He knocks on her
door.
LIAM
Stacy?
STACY
BLAH!
LIAM
Are you all right?
Liam opens the door and is showered by pea soup.
STACY
(demonic voice)
YOUR MOTHER SUCKS BIG WIENERS!
LIAM
You're my sister, stupid. That
makes her your mother too.
Liam is once again showered with pea soup.
INT. STACY'S ROOM - LATER
Stacy has been tied to the bed. Liam and Bippo sticks their
heads in the door and looks. They duck back out of sight.
LIAM (O.C.)
(whispers)
All right. Go ahead.
A priest enters followed by Liam, Bippo, and a less than
enthusiastic Arturo.
STACY
(demonic voice)
How sweet! Fresh meat!
PRIEST
(scared)
Oh, fu-BLEEP!-k this!
The priest turns to leave, but is stopped by Liam and Bippo.
LIAM
You said you could help her, so
help her!
The priest shakily walks over to Stacy's side. Stacy growls.
PRIEST
So, how are you, my child.
STACY
(demonic voice)
YOU'RE MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND
YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!
Stacy showers him with pea soup. The priest gets sick and
pukes back on Stacy.
PRIEST
(wipes mouth)
Sorry.
STACY
(demonic voice)
Yo' mama sews socks that smell!
PRIEST
I beg your pardon?
STACY
(demonic voice)
Yo' mama eats kitty litter!
PRIEST
What'd you say about my mama!?
STACY
(demonic voice)
Yo' mama's like the Pilsbury Dough
Boy! EVERY BODY POKES HER!!!
PRIEST
YOU BITCH!!!
The priest jumps on Stacy and begins to choke her. Stacy
throws him out the window.
LIAM
Well, ain't this a sticky sitchy
ation.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM
Liam and the professor are walking through the living room.
ARTURO
I'm telling you, Liam, there is no
concrete proof that Stacy is
suffering from nothing more than a
case of...
BIPPO (O.S.)
Help me!
Arturo and Liam stop.
LIAM
Bippo?
BIPPO (O.S.)
Help me, you dicks!
ARTURO
Where the devil are you?
Liam and Arturo see a television displaying static. Bippo's
voice is coming from the TV!
LIAM
Aw, sh*t!
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - LATER
Liam, Arturo, and TANGEA, the little old woman from
"Poltergeist" is there trying to save Bippo.
TANGEA
Bippo, what does it look like where
you are!?
BIPPO (O.S.)
It's dark and it smells bad... and
there's a light!
TANGEA
Don't go into the light, Bippo!
BIPPO (O.S.)
But it's so pretty!
LIAM
(to Tangea)
Where IS he?
TANGEA
He's trapped in limbo somewhere
between life and death.
ARTURO
Like David Duchovney?
TANGEA
Yes, but unlike David Duchovney,
there is a chance to save him.
INT. LIAM'S BEDROOM - LATER
Tangea is tying a rope around Arturo's waist.
TANGEA
This closet is the focal point of
the vortex that sucked Bippo into
limbo.
LIAM
Then why is he speaking through the
TV?
TANGEA
Television - especially CBS - is an
ideal medium to focus into the
bland landscape of limbo. In fact,
one program originated completely
from limbo and no one ever knew it.
LIAM
I knew there was something weird
about Thirtysomething! Why are you
sending the professor into limbo
for?
TANGEA
As fat as he is, he'll sink like a
rock.
ARTURO
WHAT DID YOU...!?
Tangea kicks Arturo into the closet. Arturo vanishes. Bippo
enters.
BIPPO
Why didn't you dicks help me!?
Liam looks at Bippo, then the closet, then at Bippo, then at
the closet, then at Bippo.
LIAM
We thought you was trapped in
limbo!
BIPPO
I was locked in the basement,
dipstick! It smelled bad down
there and I could see light through
the cracks in the floor.
LIAM
Well, I guess we should get the
professor back then.
Liam tugs on the rope. The rope comes back, but the end is
snapped and Professor Arturo is no where to be seen.
LIAM
Oh, nutbunnies!
ARTURO (O.S.)
Help me!
LIAM
Where are you, professor?
ARTURO (O.S.)
WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM,
YOU BLITHERING MORONS!
TANGEA
Do you see a light, professor?
ARTURO (O.S.)
Uh... Yes.
TANGEA
Go into the light professor!
A pause
ARTURO (O.S.)
ARGH!!!! YOU BLISTERING IDI--
Silence.
LIAM
What happened.
TANGEA
He's dead.
LIAM
But you...
TANGEA
THATS what you get for trusting A
WITCH! AH... HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Tangea vanishes taking Bippo with her. Liam stands there in
shock for a minute until he hears Bippo's screaming voice.
BIPPO (O.S.)
LIAM! HELP ME! AGH!!
LIAM
Bippo! Where are you!?
BIPPO (O.S.)
Where I was before!
LIAM
Limbo?
BIPPO (O.S.)
The BASEMENT, you butt Dumpling!
Liam jumps and runs out the door.
INT. THE BASEMENT
Liam slowly makes his way down the stairs breathing heavily
and crying.
LIAM
Bippo? W-W-Where are y-you?
Liam rounds a corner and sees Bippo standing in a corner.
LIAM
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!
Liam bolts upstairs. Bippo turns around zipping his pants
up.
BIPPO
Huh?
EXT. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE
Liam tears out the front door and runs into THAD!
LIAM
Oh, THAD! It was awful! Stacy got
possessed by the devil and Bippo
got killed by a witch and we lost
the professor in limbo and...
Thad takes out a voice-disguiser and smiles.
THAD
(electronically disguised
voice)
Hello, Liam! What's your favorite
scary movie?
LIAM
Well, I've always been partial to
Slumber Party Massacre, but... GAH!
No! Not this! Don't tell me that
THAD COFFEY IS THE AMITYVILLE
STRANGLER!!!
THAD
YES!
LIAM
I'm shocked at this twist!
THAD
How could you be, Liam? YOU'VE
BEEN DEAD THE ENTIRE TIME!!!
Liam looks down at his chest. There's a gaping hole in the
center of his rib cage and his heart can be seen beating.
LIAM
Well, ain't that a bitch?
STACY (V.O.)
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
CUT TO:
INT. THE HOUSE
Liam, Arturo, Stacy, Thad, and Bippo are seated around Elvira
who has been telling the story.
STACY
That makes no sense! I mean,
you're saying that Liam was dead
the entire time but he was talking
to the rest of us... And when did
Bippo get away from Tangea the
witch to where he could take a leak
in the corner.
THAD
Yeah, and why was I raped in prison?
ELVIRA
All right. Look, I'm not much of a
storyteller... I saw a lot of that
stuff at the movies anyway.
ARTURO
That was the stupidest ghost story
I've ever heard!
BIPPO
What about "The Haunting"?
ARTURO
You heard me.
Suddenly, there is another ghostly wail.
LIAM
It's the ghost!
ARTURO
Oh, fudge-its! I'm going to put an
end to this "ghost" business once
and for all!
Arturo gets up and storms upstairs. Everyone else follows
him.
INT. UPSTAIRS
Arturo marches to the door as the others follow.
ARTURO
(to Stacy)
Is this where you found that
nursery?
STACY
Y-Yeah.
There is another unearthly wail. Everyone jumps.
THAD
I'm going to have to switch to
diapers before tonight is over!
Arturo is unperturbed. He throws the door open and marches
inside.
INT. THE NURSERY
As Stacy described it. Cribs, old toys, and a rocking chair.
As the gang enters, there is another wail. Arturo looks
around. Liam frantically taps his arm and points to the
curtains. The camera angles to show the curtains. There is
a noticeable lump in them as though someone is hiding. The
lump moves slightly as another wail shatters the silence.
Menacing music plays as Arturo moves closer. Everyone is
hiding behind him as he reaches slowly for the curtain.
Bippo checks his watch. The music reaches a crescendo as
Arturo musters the courage and rips the curtains to one side.
ARTURO
(smiles)
There's your ghost!
Everyone looks. There is a small hole in the window where
the wind screams inside making a wailing sound and making it
appear as though there is someone hiding behind the curtains.
ARTURO
(gloating)
Now, if you're all done soiling
yourselves...
THAD
Give me another second.
ARTURO
...I Say we get some rest and try
to figure out where we are!
FADE TO:
EXT. THE HOUSE - MORNING
The storm is over and the first rays of sunshine are breaking
over the horizon.
INT. THE HOUSE
The gang and Elvira are getting ready to leave.
ELVIRA
Las Vegas? That's only a hundred
miles away. If you hitchhike,
you'll make it there before lunch!
LIAM
Thanks, Elvira. What about you?
ELVIRA
I'm going to Vegas anyway! I'll
join ya, but if any of these
drivers say "put out or get out",
don't count on me!
BIPPO
All right, I guess I'll take one
for the team.
Bippo, Elvira, Stacy, and Thad walk out the door.
ARTURO
Well, Liam... I hope this little
incident has taught you that you
can't let your imagination run away
with you.
LIAM
Maybe. But you shouldn't discount
everything you can't see,
professor, didn't some dead English
guy once say that there are more
things in heaven and earth than in
your philosophy?
ARTURO
That was Shakespeare, Liam.
LIAM
Right. A dead English guy.
Liam exits. Arturo stops and looks around the old house.
ARTURO
Ghosts... poppycock!
Arturo goes to leave, but something catches his eye. It's a
mirror hanging next to the door. In the mirror, for just a
second, we see a woman cradling a baby and rocking back and
forth in a rocking chair. Arturo quickly spirals around and
looks but sees only an empty rocking chair in the room slowly
creaking back and forth. Arturo looks in the mirror again,
but only sees the reflection of the rocker as it creaks to a
stop.
EXT. THE HOUSE
Arturo barrels out the front door and briskly walks past the
others.
ARTURO
Come on, lads, let's go! Double
time! Time waits for no man! A
Stitch in time saves nine! Pip
pip, cheerio, haul ass and all that
rubbish!
ELVIRA
What's gotten into him?
ARTURO
Nothing! Nothing, I assure you!
Arturo walks/runs into the woods.
ARTURO
I'm waiting! Don't make me walk
through the woods all by myself,
DAMMIT!
ELVIRA
(to Liam)
Are all English people this weird?
LIAM
Mostly, but I guess Halloween will
do that to you.
The others follow Arturo into the woods as we...
FADE TO:
INT. A CRYPT
The CRYPTKEEPER is sitting in his throne at a table reading a
book at says "Last Summer I Screamed Because Halloween Fell
on Friday the 13th"
CRYPTKEEPER
Wasn't that a delightfully GHOULISH
tale, kiddies? I guess Professor
Arturo is actually a scholar in BOO
ology! Hee hee hee! And what
about that Elriva, eh? She's a
girl I could... DIE for. Oh, wait,
I already did! Hee hee hee hee!
Happy Halloween, kiddies, it's been
a SCREAM! HAA HA HA HA HA!!!
The Cryptkeeper looks over at Elvira who is sitting next to
him notably bored.
CRYPTKEEPER
What did you think?
ELVIRA
It was weak.
(a beat)
You might even say your entire act
is DEAD.
A pause. Elvira and the Cryptkeeper have a good laugh
together.
FADE TO BLACK:
ELVIRA
No, seriously... It sucked.
THE END
ROLL CREDITS