INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam, Stacy, and Gary the Fanboy are sitting around, talking.
LIAM
Well, I'm just glad that we all
managed to get all of the nastiness
behind us.
GARY
Yes, I'm comfortable in the fact
that Stacy and I can just remain
friends...
STACY
And I'm comfortable in the fact
that, sure, you may have ripped out
my heart and left it broken and
chewed upon, that it was a long
time ago.
LIAM
Yes, and I...
STACY
And I'm also happily comfortable in
the fact that Gary is still a
looser and a geek and a nobody and
that no one will ever truly love
him.
LIAM
Well, I'm just glad that we are all
friends again and that nothing will
ever put us at odds again.
The doorbell rings.
LIAM
(blankly)
Gee... I wonder who that could be?
He gets up and answers the door revealing KARI WUHRER.
KARI WUHRER
Where's Gary?
LIAM
Homina-Homina-Homina!
Kari pushes past Liam and marches up to Gary.
GARY
Ah Kari, my sweet! What brings you
to Las Vegas?
KARI WUHRER
Don't give me that 'my sweet' crap!
You KNOW why I'm in Vegas! I have
to come here to renew the
restraining order against Liam
Smith!
GARY
Oh, you mean him?
Gary points. Kari looks, but doesn't seem to recognize him.
KARI WUHRER
No, Liam Smith.
STACY
That IS Liam Smith, you silicon
based buffoon!
KARI WUHRER
THAT'S Liam Smith?
STACY
Yeah, you big breasted butt monkey!
KARI WUHRER
But I remembered him as a little
more, oh... What's the word I'm
looking for?
STACY
Wormy?
GARY
Girley?
LIAM
Pathetic?
KARI WUHRER
Pathetic! That's the word!
STACY
Well, it has three syllables so I
can see how you'd be confused, you
titantic tittied twat.
KARI WUHRER
Well then, who's picture is this?
Kari Wuhrer shows them the picture.
GARY
Baby cakes, that's Ricky Shroeder
and that picture was taken while he
was on 'Silver Spoons'.
KARI WUHRER
Shoot! That means that THIS
restraining order is bad too! Why
does this keep happening to me?
STACY
Because, you monsterous mammeried
moron, you're stupid!
KARI WUHRER
I don't have to take this kind of
abuse!
STACY
Yes you do! You invite abuse, it'd
be impolite not to accept it, you
loof-bombed bonehead!
KARI WUHRER
Well, I never... Uh... I forget.
STACY
(to Gary)
Is she really as dumb as she looks?
GARY
(a beat)
She couldn't be.
Kari huffs and puts her hands on her hips.
KARI WUHRER
Dammit! Now I've got all that
damned paperwork to do all over
again!
Kari stomps out the door.
STACY
Think we should tell her she just
stormed into the bathroom?
GARY
She'll figure it out.
KARI WUHRER
(in bathroom)
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE HALLWAY!?
GARY
On the other hand...
FADE OUT:
Theme Song (Sung to the theme of "Growing Pains")
Turn of that homework, friend.
Your term paper will still be in here in a minute.
Type up the address or click on your bookmark.
And let the fits of laughs begin!
As long as we've got too much free time...
We'll still be writing this really lame sit com!
At no time... does this song rhyme!
Boy this was easy. Writing this short cheesy song!
OLE!
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
and
John Rhys-Davies
as
Professor Arturo
Also Starring
Neal Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
Guest Starring
Kari Wuhrer
and
Jennifer Tilly
Unless otherwise noted, no celebrities endorse or support The Liam Smith Show. In response, The Liam Smith Show does not endorse or support any celebrity.
BLACK
A caption comes up on the screen that says "GARY"
FADE TO:
INT: GARY'S APARTMENT
Gary is pacing around the apartment adorned with Star Trek,
Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, Quantum Leap, and Dungeons &
Dragons posters. The doorbell rings and, when Gary answers
it, DONNER is standing there.
GARY
Ah, good! You're here.
DONNER
Yes, I am. Now, do you want to
tell me WHY I'm here?
GARY
You know Kari Wuhrer?
DONNER
I know every inch of her, but who
doesn't?
GARY
Well, she's back in town.
DONNER
Uh-huh.
GARY
Shooting some sort of movie.
DONNER
Oh, yes... Sex Trek: Big Erection.
GARY
How did you know?
DONNER
Er... I read Variety.
GARY
Whatever, look... I want your help
to get her back.
DONNER
Get who back?
GARY
KARI! I want to make Kari my wife
again?
DONNER
Oh, come on Gary. What did she
ever do to you?
GARY
I love her.
DONNER
What? Why? I mean, she's so
shallow and bitchy and...
GARY
She's a trophy wife, okay?
DONNER
And what are you? A participation
ribbon?
GARY
Look, Donner... You get more women
than anyone else in Las Vegas.
What's your secret?
DONNER
A fat wallet and a good plastic
surgeon. Face it, kid... You're
screwed.
GARY
(begging)
Please help me!
DONNER
No.
GARY
I'll pay.
DONNER
Five hundred dollars.
GARY
Five hundr...!?
DONNER
Cash.
GARY
All right... That will be a small
price to pay to get my Kari back.
You have a deal.
Gary goes over to the video shelf and opens a Superman IV DVD
case and fishes out five hundred dollars.
DONNER
You keep all that cash in a
Superman IV DVD case? That's
really moronic.
GARY
It's the safest spot! My apartment
was cleaned out last year and it
was the only thing left untouched.
DONNER
I retract my previous statement.
All right... Donner's dating tips,
volume one. Gary, chicks dig
sincerity so always be sincere even
when you don't really mean it.
Gary writes that down.
DONNER
Secondly, chicks digs sentimental
sappy stuff. My advise is to go to
Kari's hotel room and serenade her.
Can you sing?
GARY
Can I ever! I was a backup singer
on C3PO's Christmas album!
DONNER
That's so lame I don't have the
words for it, but okay!
There is the sound of something being beaten against the
wall.
GARY
What the hell is that?
DONNER
Nevermind that. Go to Kari's hotel
and GET HER BACK, my friend!
GARY
I will! Thank you, Donner!
DONNER
Go get, em Tiger!
Gary runs out the door. Donner takes out a cell phone and
dials.
DONNER
(to phone)
Kari, baby... It's Donnie.
INT. THE HALLWAY
Gary runs down the hall when LIAM staggers out of his
apartment, blood running down the sides of his face, bruises
on his head, and mussed hair.
GARY
Liam, what happened to you?
LIAM
Long story, professor.
GARY
I'm Gary.
LIAM
You two stop arguing with me!
Liam falls to the floor. Gary looks at him for a second, but
then walks off.
EXT. THE MGM GRAND
Gary has set himself up with a Ukulele and a sombrero and
begins to sing.
GARY
(singing)
Oh, Kari... Kari... Your eyes are
like blue pools and your lips are
like wine, your legs are smooth
when shaven and that little
moustache is much less noticeable.
So Kari, oh Kari... Take me back
and be my love monkey again!
The light in Kari's room turns on and we see a figure walk
out on the balcony.
GARY
I love you, baby! Please take me
back!
The figure leaps off the balcony and kicks Gary in the face.
Gary looks up and sees...
GARY
JENNIFER TILLY!!!
JENNIFER TILLY
You little worm! You think you can
get away with singing outside MY
room!? Well, take THIS!!!
Jennifer Tilly kicks him in the face several more times.
JENNIFER TILLY
(grabs him by the neck)
TELL ME YOU LOVED BRIDE OF CHUCKY!
GARY
What?
JENNIFER TILLY
(smacks him)
TELL ME YOU LOVED BRIDE OF CHUCKY!
GARY
I can't!
Jennifer Tilly slaps him some more until he begins to cry.
GARY
ALL RIGHT!! ALL RIGHT!! I LOVED
THAT CRAPPY TWO-BIT HORROR MOVIE!
JENNIFER TILLY
TELL ME I SHOULD HAVE WON THE OSCAR
FOR BULLETS OVER BROADWAY!
GARY
Well, I've never seen it, so how
can I offer an objective opinion
on...
Jennifer Tilly smacks him again.
GARY
YOU SHOULD HAVE WON THE OSCAR!
Jennifer Tilly breaths in heavily and gets in his face.
JENNIFER TILLY
Do you find me... SEXY!?
GARY
Y-Yes!
Jennifer Tilly smacks him again.
JENNIFER TILLY
NO STAMMERING! YOU DIDN'T ANSWER
FAST ENOUGH! DO YOU FIND ME SEXY!
GARY
Yes! Yes!
Jennifer Tilly smacks him again.
JENNIFER TILLY
YOU WILL SAY, YES JENNIFER TILLY
MA'AM!
GARY
YES, JENNIFER TILLY MA'AM!
Jennifer Tilly grabs Gary, throws him over her shoulder, and
drags him into the hotel.
FADE TO:
INT: JENNIFER TILLY'S HOTEL ROOM - HOURS LATER
Gary is quivering in one corner sucking his thumb. Jennifer
Tilly wakes up and looks around the trashed room.
JENNIFER TILLY
Oh no... Not again!
She sees Gary.
JENNIFER TILLY
Oh God... I really hit the bottom
of the barrel this time!
(to Gary)
Are you all right?
GARY
YES JENNIFER TILLY, MA'AM!!!
See gives Gary a fifty dollar bill and an autographed
picture.
JENNIFER TILLY
Look, I think it's best if I just
leave. Take this money and this
picture and I'm sorry if there's
been any permanent psychological
scarring.
Jennifer Tilly exits.
GARY
Ma ma.
After a few seconds, LIAM, THAD, and ARTURO break down the
door.
ARTURO
Oh my God, it's GARY! Is he alive?
GARY
Gah-Gah.
THAD
Just barely. I guess we should be
lucky there's anything left of him.
Funny, I've never heard of anyone
surviving this kind of attack!
Thad slaps Gary.
THAD
Gary, you okay?
Gary comes around.
THAD
He's okay!
LIAM
Gary, are you all right?
GARY
I think so.
Gary looks at the picture Jennifer Tilly left him.
GARY
In fact, I'm in love.
ARTURO
Thad, get him some water... Liam
turn on the television set. Poor
Gary's been through a lot and I'm
sure a little relaxation will do
him some good.
Liam turns on the TV.
TV
We now return to Sex Toy Story
starring Kari Wuhrer.
Liam screams in terror like a little baby and leaps out the
open window.
ARTURO
What the devil was that all about?
THAD
A long story, professor... and I
guess you just had to be there.
FADE OUT:
BLACK
A caption comes on the screen that says "LIAM".
FADE IN:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is pacing the floor. Stacy looks on.
LIAM
I don't believe this! Kari Wuhrer
was right here in this apartment!
My apartment and Kari Wuhrer was in
it!
Stacy stands.
STACY
Liam, I think that...
LIAM
DON'T STAND THERE!
Stacy jumps to the side.
LIAM
That's where... SHE stood! It must
be starched and framed for
posterity!
STACY
Liam, this Kari Wuhrer obsession of
yours has resurfaced with a
vengeance, hasn't it?
Liam is starching the carpet.
LIAM
Don't worry little feet-prints,
you're safe forever and ever and
ever.
Stacy hauls Liam to his feet.
STACY
Liam, snap out of it!
She slaps him.
LIAM
Hey, you can't slap me like that!
STACY
I'm your older sister, Liam... And
I can. It's a prerequisite for the
job!
She slaps him again.
STACY
Liam, this fixation you have on
that two-bit Hollywood film slut
can't be healthy!
LIAM
I guess you're right, but I can't
stop thinking about her! She takes
every waking moment of my time
and...
STACY
Then give yourself something else
to think about. Watch a little TV.
LIAM
All right.
Liam turns on the TV.
TV
We now return to Sliders on the Sci
Fi Channel...
Liam changes the channel.
TV
And now, back to Swamp Thing II on
HBO!
Liam changes the channel.
TV
You're watching Sex and the Other
Man on Cinemax!
Liam changes the channel.
TV
You're watching Jigglevision. We
now return to Kari Wuhrer in the
stirring war drama, "Saving Ryan's
Privates"
Liam changes the channel.
TV
You're watching CNN.
LIAM
That's better.
TV
Kari Wuhrer is in Las Vegas today
shooting her new movie, the sci-fi
sex epic, SEX TREK: BIG ERECTION...
The sequel, of course, to SEX TREK:
THE NEXT PENETRATION and SEX TREK:
THE UNDISCOVERED CLITORIS.
Liam shuts the TV off.
LIAM
SHE'S IN MY HEAD! I CAN'T GET HER
OUT OF MY HEAD!!!
Liam runs over and begins ramming his head up against the
wall, shaking the pictures hanging there.
STACY
Liam, what are you doing!?
LIAM
The pain is taking my mind off of
Kari's firm breasts and supple
buttocks! GAH! IT'S NOT
WORKING!!!
Liam continues to bang his head up against the wall.
STACY
Liam, this is getting too weird for
me. Take my advise and go on a
walk or something. I'm going home.
Stacy leaves. Liam stops banging his head up against the
wall and, a little dazed, he looks at the door.
LIAM
A walk... Yeah... I need to walk a
dog! Triiiiiiumph!
Liam staggers out the door.
INT. THE HALLWAY
Gary runs down the hall when LIAM staggers out of his
apartment, blood running down the sides of his face, bruises
on his head, and mussed hair.
GARY
Liam, what happened to you?
LIAM
Long story, professor.
GARY
I'm Gary.
LIAM
You two stop arguing with me!
Liam falls to the floor. Gary looks at him for a second, but
then walks off. Thad, Bippo, and the Professor wander by a
few seconds later.
ARTURO
Well, this is indeed very
distressing news and I feel I
should help as it would kill a few
hours. Ah, there's Liam in a heap
on the floor.
Thad helps Liam to his feet.
THAD
Liam, buddy, you okay?
LIAM
Yeah... I just had to get over a
little...
THAD
Oh, that reminds me. Look what I
found at the newsstand! I got it
just for you!
Thad shows Liam a copy of VOGUE with Kari Wuhrer's picture on
the cover. Liam reacts in horror.
LIAM
GAH! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!
Thad throws it to the side.
THAD
I'd ask what was wrong, but we
don't have the time and I don't
really care. Liam, we have a
situation.
Bippo walks into frame wearing military fatigues.
BIPPO
The situation is this, soldier! We
have unconfirmed reports that a
were-creature is in the area!
LIAM
You mean a werewolf?
BIPPO
Worse... A were-slut.
Music sting.
LIAM
A what?
THAD
A were-slut.
Music sting.
THAD
One of the worse kinds of were
creature, Liam. When the moon
rises, this creature turns into a
brutal, cruel, and unmerciful sex
beast. Sort of like Chocolate
Treat, but not as bad.
BIPPO
I plan on asking her out.
ARTURO
And if it's a him?
BIPPO
I'm flexible.
LIAM
How do you know this?
THAD
Intelligence.
LIAM
No really, how do you know this?
THAD
Weekly World News.
LIAM
Better.
THAD
We don't have a lot of time. She's
staying at the MGM Grand and...
LIAM
So you DO know who it is?
THAD
Yes, have you ever heard of Academy
Award Nominated actress, Jennifer
Tilly who received her nomination
for Woody Allen's Bullets Over
Broadway?
Everyone looks blank.
THAD
She was Chucky's girlfriend in
Bride of Chucky.
EVERYONE
Oh, her!
LIAM
She's a were-slut?
Music sting.
THAD
Yes, and unless we stop her, the
next man she gets her hands on will
be scarred for life!
BIPPO
Then what are we waiting for?
EXT. THE MGM GRAND
Liam, Arturo, Bippo, and Thad arrives at the front door.
Liam notices several JIGGLEVISION trucks out front.
LIAM
What's Jigglevision doing here?
BIPPO
They're shooting that new movie,
Sex Trek: Big Erection here.
LIAM
GAH! Is there no escaping that
harlot!?
They run inside.
INT. THE FRONT DESK
The gang approaches the clerk.
THAD
Hi, can you tell me which room
Jennifer Tilly is staying in?
CLERK
Room #334.
THAD
Thanks, I...
(a beat)
Wait a minute, you just gave me the
room number to a famous Hollywood
celebrity! For all you know, we
could be a bunch of serial murders
or something and you just TOLD us
how to find Jennifer Tilly! I
don't think you're supposed to do
that!
CLERK
I'm not supposed to do coke on the
job, either.
The clerk bends down behind the desk and we hear the sounds
of snorting.
LIAM
Let's go.
They run to the elevator.
INT. THE HALLWAY
Liam, Thad, Bippo, and Arturo wander the hallway looking for
Jennifer Tilly's room.
LIAM
Room 332, 333... Ah, here we are...
Room 334.
Liam knocks on the door, when it opens we see KARI WUHRER!
LIAM
Gah!
KARI WUHRER
Oh! Liam Smith! W-What are you
doing here? I must say, it's good
to...
LIAM
SHE WON'T GO AWAY!!! GAH!
Liam jumps and hides behind the professor.
ARTURO
Sorry, miss. We were told this was
Jennifer Tilly's room.
KARI WUHRER
What?
ARTURO
Jennifer Tilly. Do you know where
we can find her?
KARI WUHRER
Room 335 next door, you fat tub of
crap!
She slams the door in his face.
BIPPO
Frisky little minx, ain't she?
They start towards Jennifer Tilly's door. We see Jennifer
Tilly exit and start to run down the hall.
THAD
There she goes!
ARTURO
Blast! She's getting away!
BIPPO
Not on MY watch, she ain't!
Bippo takes off after her. Arturo, Liam, and Thad watches
him go.
INT. JENNIFER TILLY'S HOTEL ROOM.
Arturo, Liam, and Thad breaks down the door and discovers
Gary quivering in the corner.
ARTURO
Oh my God, it's GARY! Is he alive?
GARY
Gah-Gah.
THAD
Just barely. I guess we should be
lucky there's anything left of him.
Funny, I've never heard of anyone
surviving this kind of attack!
Thad slaps Gary.
THAD
Gary, you okay?
Gary comes around.
THAD
He's okay!
LIAM
Gary, are you all right?
GARY
I think so.
Gary looks at the picture Jennifer Tilly left him.
GARY
In fact, I'm in love.
ARTURO
Thad, get him some water... Liam
turn on the television set. Poor
Gary's been through a lot and I'm
sure a little relaxation will do
him some good.
Liam turns on the TV.
TV
We now return to Sex Toy Story
starring Kari Wuhrer.
Liam screams in terror like a little baby and leaps out the
open window.
ARTURO
What the devil was that all about?
THAD
A long story, professor... and I
guess you just had to be there.
FADE OUT:
BLACK
A caption comes on the screen that says "KARI WUHRER".
FADE IN:
INT. A MOVIE STUDIO
On a set made up to look like the bridge of a starship, KARI
WUHRER and several other female actors are acting out their
movie.
KARI WUHRER
Captain Hardbody, it looks like the
Space Herpes have us this time!
CAPTAIN HARDBODY
No, Commander Nicelay, not while
I'm captain! It looks like I'm
going to have to command the rest
of this mission with my shirt off!
KARI WUHRER
And I think I'll go take a shower!
Kari Wuhrer's cel phone rings.
DIRECTOR
Cut!
KARI WUHRER
Sorry!
Kari Wuhrer walks off the set and answers the phone.
KARI WUHRER
This is Kari Wuhrer.
INT. GARY'S APARTMENT
Donner is talking on the phone.
DONNER
Kari, baby... It's Donnie.
INTERCUT
KARI WUHRER
Oh, hi Donnie.
DONNER
Kari, babe... As the main investor
and biggest fan of the Sex Trek
series, I feel it's my duty to tell
you something I've just discovered.
KARI WUHRER
Oh no, you don't mean I've got to
audition some more, do you? All
the rug burns on my back just
healed!
DONNER
No, not that.
KARI WUHRER
Not that? But the other way puts
rug burns on my forehead!
DONNER
Kari, honey... Shut up for a
second. You know that ex husband
of yours?
KARI WUHRER
Gary the fairy?
DONNER
That's the one. Apparently, he's
planning on serenading you tonight.
KARI WUHRER
Does THAT involve rug burns?
DONNER
It means he's going to sing to you
outside your hotel room.
KARI WUHRER
Where did he get an idea like that?
DONNER
Some asshole, probably. Just
thought you'd like the warning so
you can warm up a bucket of hot
molten iron or something.
Kari Wuhrer hangs up.
KARI WUHRER
Damn it!
The DIRECTOR walks over with JENNIFER TILLY.
DIRECTOR
Kari, look who's come to see you!
It's Jennifer Tilly!
Kari Wuhrer looks at her blankly.
JENNIFER TILLY
I was nominated for an Academy
Award for Bullets Over Broadway.
Kari Wuhrer looks at her blankly.
JENNIFER TILLY
I was Chucky's girlfriend in Bride
of Chucky.
KARI WUHRER
OH!
DIRECTOR
I brought her over here because I
wanted to get the two of you...
Uh... acquainted.
JENNIFER TILLY
Hey! You told me it was because
you wanted me to learn everything I
could about her part because she
was getting recasted!
KARI WUHRER
Recasted!?
JENNIFER TILLY
Yeah, something about your waning
popularity and your being a total
lunkhead and a ditz and your
titties are starting to sag. That,
and you couldn't learn your lines.
I'm going to be the star of the
next sequel, Sex Trek: The Search
for Twat.
DIRECTOR
(through teeth)
THANK you!
KARI WUHRER
I don't believe this! I'm being
replaced on the movie series I
started!
DIRECTOR
Kari, baby! Don't think of it as
being replaced! Think of it as
your character is being killed off
and we're putting some other
character played by a different
actress in your part!
KARI WUHRER
GAH!
INT. KARI WUHRER'S HOTEL ROOM
Kari Wuhrer is reading her new script with Jennifer Tilly.
KARI WUHRER
(reading)
I can't go on, anymore! The
Orgasmitrons are killing me!
JENNIFER TILLY
(reading)
I'll go back to the USS Sexerprise,
Commander Goodlay! I'll carry out
the mission!
KARI WUHRER
(reading)
Thank you, Commander Bangsalot!
Commander Goodlay dies. Fade out.
JENNIFER TILLY
You're not supposed to read the
stage directions.
KARI WUHRER
Oh.
(a beat)
I don't believe it. I'm being cast
aside from the adult movie
business. Now I know how Shannon
Tweed feels.
JENNIFER TILLY
How?
KARI WUHRER
Kind of sweaty and rubbery.
JENNIFER TILLY
Look, if it's any consolation to
you, I've been marked by tragedy
also.
KARI WUHRER
How so? She said feigning
curiosity.
JENNIFER TILLY
It's too horrible... It's ruined my
career.
KARI WUHRER
Hey, yeah! Why are you, an Academy
Award looser suddenly making soft
porn?
JENNIFER TILLY
I'm... A were-slut.
Music sting.
KARI WUHRER
A what?
JENNIFER TILLY
A were-slut.
Music sting.
JENNIFER TILLY
Everytime the moon is full, I turn
into a vicious sexual predator.
This affliction has cost me many
high profile jobs and I've resorted
to cheap sex flicks for money.
And... Tonight, there's a full
moon!
She begins to cry.
KARI WUHRER
Really? Say, why don't you stay in
MY room tonight?
JENNIFER TILLY
Why?
KARI WUHRER
Well... There's less a chance of
you breaking out of THAT room.
Less a chance of you hurting
anyone.
(silently)
Except a certain someone who I
can't stand.
JENNIFER TILLY
Really?
KARI WUHRER
Really.
JENNIFER TILLY
Wow, Kari! THANK YOU!
Jennifer Tilly hugs her.
KARI WUHRER
No... Thank you.
FADE TO:
INT. KARI WUHRER'S HOTEL ROOM
Kari is pacing back and forth in the room as Donner looks on.
KARI WUHRER
I can't believe this! I just can't
believe it!
DONNER
Baby, it's not like I had anything
to do with the decision to recast
your part! Face it, Kari, you're
past your prime!
KARI WUHRER
I can't be past my prime! My ass
hasn't started sagging yet! My
hair is still it's natural color!
I don't have any wrinkles!
DONNER
Well, you do have the one...
Kari Wuhrer stops and looks at him.
KARI WUHRER
What?
DONNER
The one little wrinkle over your
left eyebrow.
Kari runs to the mirror and looks.
KARI WUHRER
OH MY GOD!!! I'M OLD!!!
Kari Wuhrer sinks to the ground weeping.
DONNER
Kari, sweetie, it's not so bad!
Maybe you can give up the sex movie
industry and actually make some
movies that kids can go see!
We start hearing Gary's singing filtering through the wall.
KARI WUHRER
You mean, like Spy Kids?
DONNER
Exactly! Spy Kids! You could do
like Terri Hatcher and... Say, do
you hear that singing?
Kari Wuhrer listens.
KARI WUHRER
That? Oh, that's Gary.
DONNER
That's GARY?
KARI WUHRER
Yeah, although he hasn't been
gifted with much above or below the
waist, he's got a hell of a singing
voice.
DONNER
You're telling me! Five more
minutes of this and I'LL marry him!
Gary stops singing. We hear the faint screams of Jennifer
Tilly and Gary with several slapping noises. Kari Wuhrer
smiles.
KARI WUHRER
Ah, Jennifer Tilly got him.
DONNER
Huh?
KARI WUHRER
She's a were-slut.
Music sting.
DONNER
A what?
KARI WUHRER
A were-slut.
Music sting.
DONNER
Oh, a were-slut.
Music sting.
KARI WUHRER
I had to get rid of Gary some way
or another and I thought that this
was the best way.
DONNER
Poor Gary... Or... Poor Jennifer
Tilly. I'm confused. This is like
when I saw "Enemy at the Gates",
that movie where the Nazis were
fighting Communist Russia. I
didn't know who to feel sorry for.
KARI WUHRER
Oh, Donnie... I'm beginning to feel
like no one loves me anymore.
DONNER
Nonsense, plenty of people still
love you! Inmates, those big bull
lesbians, psychotic killers...
KARI WUHRER
You're not helping.
DONNER
I never said I was going to.
KARI WUHRER
In my entire life, there's only
been one guy to ever look past my
gorgeous exterior and to my soul.
DONNER
Oh, Kari... That's sweet of you to
say about me.
KARI WUHRER
Not you! You're only interested in
a night of guilt free sex!
DONNER
Guilt free is the best kind, isn't
it?
KARI WUHRER
I was talking about that little
guy... What's-his-face.
DONNER
Liam Smith?
KARI WUHRER
Yes, Liam Smith.
DONNER
The same Liam Smith you got a
restraining order against? The
same one that you said would be the
last man on earth to ever sample
your goods?
KARI WUHRER
Now that I think about it, he's
sweet.
DONNER
WHAT IS IT WITH HOT BABES AND
DORKS!?
KARI WUHRER
Look, contrary to what you think,
gorgeous people do not just belong
with gorgeous people and homely
people don't just belong with
homely people.
DONNER
What that an actual coherent
thought?
KARI WUHRER
It depends on what coherent means.
DONNER
Kari, you're tired. You're angry
about Jennifer Tilly, and you...
Well, you're freaking me out. Why
don't you get a good night's sleep
and call me in the morning.
Donner leaves.
KARI WUHRER
Jennifer Tilly this and Jennifer
Tilly that! Bitch.
FADE TO:
INT. KARI WUHRER'S HOTEL ROOM
Kari Wuhrer is in bed when there is a knock at the door. She
gets up, pulling the covers off of her and revealing a half
dozen room service guys in bed with her. She makes her way
to the door and opens it revealing Liam Smith.
LIAM
Gah!
KARI WUHRER
Oh! Liam Smith! W-What are you
doing here? I must say, it's good
to...
LIAM
SHE WON'T GO AWAY!!! GAH!
Liam jumps and hides behind the professor.
ARTURO
Sorry, miss. We were told this was
Jennifer Tilly's room.
KARI WUHRER
What?
ARTURO
Jennifer Tilly. Do you know where
we can find her?
KARI WUHRER
Room 335 next door, you fat tub of
crap!
She slams the door in his face.
KARI WUHRER
I don't believe it! Even my
biggest fan has abandoned me for
Jennifer Tilly!
(a beat)
Well, we'll just see about that!
She stomps over to a closet and gets out a nasty looking
shotgun.
KARI WUHRER
Hasta la Tilly, baby!
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER
Gary is shoving ice cubes down his pants and Thad, Arturo,
and Liam and sitting around when Donner barges in.
LIAM
Can't you knock?
DONNER
Can it, dwarf boy. I can't find
Jennifer Tilly or Kari Wuhrer and
since you were spotted at the MGM
Grand last night, I'm assuming that
you and your obsessed ass had
something to do with it!
ARTURO
We were there, Mister Donner, but
we had nothing to do with either's
disappearance.
THAD
Come to think of it, we haven't
seen Bippo since he took off after
Jennifer Tilly!
LIAM
Uh-oh.
DONNER
You mean to tell me that psycho
clown has gone and offed Jennifer
Tilly? THIS IS TERRIBLE! I just
helped write Sex Trek: Deep Space
69!
Bippo and Jennifer Tilly enters. Jennifer Tilly plants a
kiss on Bippo's forehead.
LIAM
What in the holy hopped-up hell is
going on here!?
JENNIFER TILLY
Bippo is the best! He helped me
break the curse of the were-slut
and now I'm going to go back to
making respectable movies like
Bullets Over Broadway!
BIPPO
AND Bride of Chucky!
DONNER
Look, Jennifer baby, I'm glad
you're okay... But HOW did you
break the curse of the were-slut?
BIPPO
If I told you, I'd have to kill
you... But then again, even if I
didn't tell you, I'd probably kill
you eventually, so what the hey!
All Jennifer Tilly needed was
someone to pass the curse onto.
LIAM
But who?
BIPPO
On, no one in particular... But
don't bother scheduling anything
for me during a full moon. I'll be
at Miss Hanky's House of Panky.
Suddenly, KARI WUHRER breaks down the door and takes aim at
Jennifer Tilly.
KARI WUHRER
DIE, BITCH, DIE!
DONNER
Oh, Kari. Good to see you, honey.
KARI WUHRER
Stay out of this, Donnie! That
bitch is trying to steal my biggest
fan and I'm not going to let her
get away with it!
DONNER
Kari, you're not being killed off
in Sex Trek.
Kari lowers her gun.
KARI WUHRER
What?
DONNER
We're keeping you on board.
Jennifer Tilly is giving up adult
movies.
JENNIFER TILLY
Besides, I could never be as good
as you are, Kari!
KARI WUHRER
But... I thought my popularity was
waning!
LIAM
Your popularity isn't waning, Kari!
You're still the best actress in
the world and I'm still your number
one fan!
KARI WUHRER
Oh, Liam!
Kari hugs him, but then pushes him away.
KARI WUHRER
GAH! Get off me, you little geek!
It smells in here and I'm leaving!
Kari Wuhrer storms out.
ARTURO
What a bitch!
LIAM
Yeah... Could I love her more?
FADE TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The apartment is dark and no one can be seen. The camera
zooms in on the door and we see a photograph pushed under the
door. It's a picture of Kari Wuhrer signed, "Thanks... Kari
Wuhrer."
INT. THE HALLWAY
Kari Wuhrer stands, looks over her shoulder, and reassured
that no one has seen her, quickly exits.
FADE OUT:
THE END