INT. A PHONE BOOTH
We see an extreme close-up of the phone as a gloved hand
picks up the receiver and dials the number. We hear heavy
breathing.
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT
Thad is watching "Wolf Lake" and laughing his ass off. The
phone rings, he turns down the TV, and answers the ring.
THAD
Hello?
MENACING VOICE
Hello, Thad.
THAD
Hello?
MENACING VOICE
I want you to know, that I know who
you are and I know what you did!
THAD
Huh?
MENACING VOICE
I know who you are and I know what
you did! Click!
THAD
Did you hang up?
MENACING VOICE
No, I just said "click".
INT. A PHONE BOOTH
The phone is hung up by the unknown person.
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT
Thad hangs up the phone and looks worried.
THAD
Oh, MONKEY POO!
INT. A PHONE BOOTH
The unknown person picks up the phone and dials another
number.
INT. GARY THE FANBOY'S APARTMENT
GARY THE FANBOY is watching ENTERPRISE and taking notes.
GARY
Look at that! That's the second
time Captain Archer's pinkie finger
has changed position during a
camera shift! Rest assured,
Bakula, I will be expressing my
outrage on the internet shortly!
The phone rings. Gary picks it up.
GARY
Hello?
MENACING VOICE
I know who you are and I know what
you did!
GARY
What!?
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT:
THEME SONG (Sung to "Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm)
Oh, It was this one day, that Liam rubbed me the wrong way,
It was one episode, and I didn't mean for it to overload!
But now it's in full swing. Ain't that just the damnedest thing?
Liam are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Liam?
Liam are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Liam?
Liam are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Liam?
Liam are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Liam?
Liam are you okay? With that werewolf, and your clown friend, Liam?
With a boss that wants to kill you, and Satan wanting to also, Liam?
Oh, there's only one explanation, for this sticky... situation, Liam!
You've been hit by... You've been struck by...
A hack writer!
Ole!
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
and
John Rhys-Davies
as
Professor Arturo
Also Starring
Neal Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
Redbook Woman of the Year, Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
Leon Lai
as
"Kevin Riley"
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
David Peckinpah
as
"Satan"
Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"
and
Siegfried and Roy
Guest Starring
Alec Baldwin
as
"General Admission"
Billy Baldwin
as
"General Store"
Daniel Baldwin
as
"General Mills"
Adam Baldwin
as
"Corporal Punishment"
and
Stephen Baldwin
as
"Private Parts"
Special Guest Star
Jerry O'Connell
The Liam Smith Show was written by a live studio audience.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is busy organizing a stack of comic books when Thad
barges in.
THAD
Liam! Liam! I'm in trouble! I
need your... Hey, I didn't know you
collected comics. Whatcha got?
Spider-man? Superman? T-Force?
LIAM
It's Kari Wuhrer's new comic book,
"JLA".
THAD
Justice League of America?
LIAM
The Jiggly Lasses Association. The
first issue has them fighting
DuPont over defective implants.
They have to square off against a
vicious silicone-powered super
villain called Tit-Bag.
Thad is looking through the stacks.
THAD
Wait a minute... These are all
first issues!
LIAM
I wanted to make sure they sale
well. What the heck? It's only
money and I can skip a few luxuries
like movies, eating, and
electricity. Now, what do you
need?
THAD
I got a phone call. Someone knows
who I am and what I do.
LIAM
Thad, I know who you are and what
you do. You're Thad Coffey and
you're a handyman though, I've
gotta admit not a very good one.
Did you know that the clog in my
shower has been there so long that
it's gained intelligence and has
launched starships to explore
the linoleum?
THAD
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what if
someone found out... You know...
The OTHER thing?
LIAM
What other thing?
THAD
You know!
Thad uses his fingers to simulated large fangs and wolf ears.
LIAM
My... GOD! You're a mime!
Liam grabs a nearby baseball bat.
THAD
A werewolf, Liam! What if
someone's found out I'm a
werewolf!?
Liam looks at him for a second and then puts down the
baseball bat.
LIAM
Thad... Isn't that common
knowledge?
THAD
Well, it is to everyone in the
apartments and to a few other
people, but for the most part, I've
kept my identity a secret.
LIAM
Why didn't I know this before now?
THAD
So you're not privy to every detail
of my life? So sue me.
LIAM
Sorry.
THAD
Liam, what if someone's found out
that I'm a werewolf... What if I've
eaten a friend of theirs or
something at some point or another,
and now what if they're pissed!
LIAM
Don't panic, Thad, I'm sure there's
a rational explanation for...
Gary the Fanboy bursts in clutching a stuffed Chewbacca doll
to his chest.
GARY
Liam! I need your help!
LIAM
Buh?
GARY
Someone called me and said, "I know
who you are and I know what you
did!"
THAD
You wet the bed again?
GARY
NO! The... OTHER thing!
LIAM
You liked Ghosts of Mars?
GARY
NO! The other OTHER thing!
LIAM
What? But what do you...
Chocolate Treat bursts in through the door crushing Gary
against the wall.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, Liam, honey! I need help!
LIAM
Your mascara is running.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I know! Someone called me and said
that they knew who I was and what I
did!
THAD
Whu? What's YOUR secret?
Everyone leans forward to hear.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
It all goes back to the time when I
was in high school...
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. A DARK ROAD
A car zooms down the road haphazardly.
INT. THE CAR
A younger Chocolate Treat is making out in the back seat with
her boyfriend, CRAIG. Two other teens, BOBBY and GRETTA sit
in the front seat.
BOBBY
(whispers to Gretta)
Good God, Craig is a brave man.
GRETTA
And he's soon to be scarred for
life!
BOBBY
So the rumors are true?
GRETTA
What rumors?
BOBBY
Come on, surly you've heard that
Chocolate Treat is a...
Bobby whispers in Gretta's ear.
GRETTA
(shocked)
Member of the pep squad?
BOBBY
Not so loud! You know how pep
squad girls are?
GRETTA
Uh, Bobby? Shouldn't you be
watching the road?
BOBBY
Don't worry, it's still there.
WHAM! WHUMP! WHUMP!
GRETTA
Oh my God!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
What was that?
BOBBY
I think I just hit someone!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
You THINK!?
BOBBY
I guess I'd better back up and make
for sure!
Bobby puts the car in reverse. WHUMP! WHUMP!
GRETTA
Oh my GOD! You ran over that
vagrant!
BOBBY
Let's get out of here!
Bobby puts the car in drive. WHUMP! WHUMP!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
STOP THE CAR! We can't just leave
him like that!
GRETTA
Chocolate Treat is right! It's not
the right thing to do! Let's go
back!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Especially since our license plate
number is imprinted on his
forehead.
Bobby puts the car in reverse. WHUMP! WHUMP!
BOBBY
All right, we'll dump him into the
river. Gretta, you and Chocolate
Treat clean the blood off the car.
Craig, you help me get the body
into the trunk.
(a beat)
Craig?
Bobby looks back and sees Craig quivering in the corner
sucking his thumb.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
As before. Chocolate Treat is telling her story.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
We dumped the body and Craig into
the river that night. The summer
after that, Bobby was decapitated
with a large hook and the last
summer, Gretta was disembowelled
with an ice cream scoop. I don't
think that's relevant, though.
LIAM
So, someone knows what you did a
few summers back?
KEVIN RILEY bursts in.
KEVIN
Guys! You'll never believe this!
I got...
EVERYONE
...a phone call.
KEVIN
And he said...
EVERYONE
...I know who you are and I know
what you did.
KEVIN
How the hell did YOU know?
LIAM
Let's just say we're sensing a
pattern.
KEVIN
Good God, guys! If anyone ever
finds out what I did, I'd be
ruined!
LIAM
What? So you sell make-up? Big
deal!
GARY
Kevin sells MAKE-UP!? HA! HA! HA!
Kevin bitch-slaps Gary shutting him up.
GARY
I'm sorry, sir.
KEVIN
No, not the make-up! I mean THIS!
Kevin holds up a mattress tag that says "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER
PENALTY OF LAW". Everyone gasps in shock.
KEVIN
It just hung there on the side of
my mattress mocking me, so one day
I took a pair of scissors and CUT
IT OFF!!! NOW IT WILL NEVER LAUGH
AT ME AGAIN!
Kevin laughs maniacally. Everyone looks uncomfortable and
finally everyone pushes Liam to Kevin's side. Liam carefully
takes the scissors from him, and hands them to Gary who hands
them to Thad, who hands them to Chocolate Treat who tosses
them out of the window. We hear a cat shriek.
KEVIN
(to Chocolate Treat)
Dear GOD woman! Your mascara is
running!
Kevin starts fixing Chocolate Treat's makeup.
LIAM
Okay, I understand that someone's
called you all saying that they
know all your secrets, but why do
all of you always come to me in
these kind of situations? I mean,
it's not like I can help or care!
Everyone is silent for a second.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Good question! Let's go to the
professor!
THAD
Yeah, the professor will help!
They all stampede to the door, but it is blocked by DONNER.
DONNER
NO ONE is going ANYWHERE! This
isn't going any farther than this
room!
THAD
Huh?
DONNER
I'm not about to let my big secret
become tabloid news just because a
bunch of morons run around like a
bunch of chickens with their heads
cut off.
(Donner stops and seems to
mentally kick himself)
You're ALL coming with me!
LIAM
Don't tell me that you got a phone
call too!
DONNER
Well, if I don't tell you, Liam,
how can I communicate the fact that
I got a call saying "I know who you
are and I know what you did?"
Everyone gasps.
DONNER
Now, all of you are coming with me!
Everyone stands there looking at each other, all unwilling to
take orders from Donner.
DONNER
(sighs)
I've got limos downstairs and
they're all fully stocked.
Everyone tramples out the door except for Donner and Liam.
LIAM
Tell me you have some idea who's
behind this.
DONNER
If I told you that, Liam, I'd be
lying. No, whoever could uncover
our inner and hidden secrets is one
diabolical bastard indeed.
CUT TO:
INT. A PHONE BOOTH
The gloved hand dials a number.
SEIGFRIED
(over phone)
Hallo, you've reached dee home of
Seigfried...
ROY
(over phone)
...und Roy! Ve are not home right
now...
SEIGFRIED
(over phone)
...but if chew leaf your name and
number...
ROY
(over phone)
...ve vill get back to chew as soon
as possible!
SEIGFRIED
(over phone)
Vait for the sound of de kitty!
There is a tiger roar and a beep.
MENACING VOICE
I know who you are and I know what
you did!
The gloved hand hangs up and the camera zooms back to reveal
that it's BIPPO THE CLOWN.
BIPPO
And that's all there is to it!
The camera zooms back more revealing ARTURO.
ARTURO
And... how exactly do you find out
what these people are trying to
hide?
BIPPO
That's the beauty of it, professor!
I don't HAVE to know! Everyone has
something to hide, be it a small
case of shoplifting when they were
nine or a tiny Vienna sausage in
their pants.
ARTURO
Bippo, there are days when I think
that you cannot possibly get any
more immature and inconsiderate and
then you go and surprise me. You,
sir, are a degenerate... A cancer
on society and a complete waste of
oxygen and space.
Bippo holds the phone to Arturo.
BIPPO
Wanna try?
Arturo glares at him.
INT. JERRY O'CONNELL'S HOME
JERRY O'CONNELL is reading a script titled "TOMCATS II: THE
LEGEND OF BUSEY'S GOLD" when the phone rings.
JERRY O'CONNELL
Hello?
ARTURO
(over phone)
I know who you are and I know what
you did! Click!
JERRY O'CONNELL
Did you hang up?
ARTURO
(over phone)
No, I just said "click!"
He hangs up.
JERRY O'CONNELL
Oh, God! Someone's found out! You
two get out of here!
The camera pans over to reveal Siegfried and Roy.
SEIGFRIED
But chew said chew loved us!
ROY
I even had his and his and his
towels made!
INT. HELL
SATAN and SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS are having a picnic in the
firepits. In the background, we see various demons torturing
people.
SATAN
Is there something wrong, my little
funk pillow?
SENESTRA
It's nothing you need concern
yourself with, my mighty love pump.
SATAN
Oh, come now. Spit it out. They
say that honesty is the main
ingredient in a healthy
relationship.
Senestra and Satan laugh at the irony.
SENESTRA
Oh, Luficer... I just get the
feeling that our other associates
in the Quadrangle don't like me
very much.
SATAN
What makes you say that?
Senestra looks over to KATHY KILTER and SCRAPPY DOO who are
standing nearby burning Senestra in effigy.
SENESTRA
Just a hunch.
SATAN
Nevermind them, my little tap ass,
you've burrowed your way into my
heart the way a maggot eats into a
partially decomposed eyeball.
Senestra is about to take a bite of lasangna, when she
changes her mind and puts her fork down.
SENESTRA
So, what is the primary purpose of
the Quadrangle, anyway? I mean,
you ARE Satan and I doubt there's
anything you couldn't have done
without me that you can do with me.
SATAN
Sex.
SENESTRA
Besides that.
SATAN
In time, fair Senestra, I will
reveal to you that the purpose of
the Quadrangle is the total re
creation of the universe.
A beat.
SATAN
Oops.
SENESTRA
Did you say the RE-creation of the
universe? What does that mean?
SATAN
It means undoing everything that...
Satan looks around and then secretively points up.
SATAN
(whispers)
...he...
(normal)
...has created in HIS image and re
creating it in mine.
SENESTRA
Really? I'm skeptical. I mean,
I've skimmed through the bible a
couple of times and I got the
impression that...
(points up, whispers)
...he...
(normal)
...kicked your red goat booty.
SATAN
Uh... Yeah.
SENESTRA
I mean, let's face it. As far as
power goes, you're his woman!
SATAN
Yeah, but...
SENESTRA
You try to go up against someone
like that, it'd be Tyson verses
Spinks all over again!
SATAN
I'm not going to fight...
(whispers, points up)
...him.
(normal)
I'm simply going to help bring
about the end times.
SENESTRA
Huh?
SATAN
My dear, I've got something very
special coming for a visit.
Something that will allow me to re
create the universe in MY image!
While you-know-who is up in the
clouds tending to the good and the
righteous, I will snatch the
universe from under his nose and
make it mine forever!
SENESTRA
Cool... So, who's coming?
SATAN
His name is Worldkiller. That
brings up WHY I need you, my dear.
I cannot BEAR to be in the same
room with Worldkiller for too
long.
SENESTRA
What? But you're SATAN! The master
of evil!
SATAN
I have my reasons and they're not
what you think they are, I assure you.
I need a liason between myself and
Worldkiller. Running the wasteland
of the damned is a full time job,
you know and I cannot afford the time
to meet with him as much as he wants.
I want YOU to be that liason.
SENESTRA
So... When is it getting here?
SATAN
Soon, my luscious love chasm.
Soon.
EXT. THE MGM GRAND
The limos pull up and Donner, Liam, Thad, Chocolate Treat,
Gary, and Kevin get out. Liam looks at the top of the
building which has been totally destroyed.
LIAM
Wow! They still haven't fixed your
condo from when Quasar leveled it?
DONNER
Naw, there's a bunch of
Bureaucratic red tape and people
whining that my maid and butler are
still trapped in the wreckage.
Those lazy bastards.
Donner leads them inside.
INT. THE MGM GRAND LOBBY
Donner leads the gang through the crowded lobby.
DONNER
What I'm about to show you all must
be kept secret, understand?
Donner walks over to a statue of Dorothy from the wizard of
Oz in a secluded part of the lobby. He puts his hand on her
breast and twists it like a combination lock. Nearby, a
hidden door opens.
DONNER
Hurry get through the door before
someone...
OLD WOMAN
Excuse me.
DONNER
Gah!
OLD WOMAN
What is that door you just opened?
DONNER
Broom closet.
OLD WOMAN
It doesn't look like a broom
closet. Look more like the front
door of a hidden top secret
government facility.
Donner glares at her for a moment as the last of the gang
goes through the open door. Donner finally gets out a pocket
watch and begins swinging it in front of the old woman's
eyes.
DONNER
Focus on the watch... Focus on my
voice... See the watch, ma'am? Do
you see the watch?
Donner hands the watch to her.
DONNER
I'll give this to you if you leave.
OLD WOMAN
All right, then.
The old woman leaves. Donner runs into the door and shuts it
behind him.
INT. THE TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT FACILITY
Liam, Thad, Kevin, Chocolate Treat, and Gary stand in awe of
the room. Everywhere, robots are assembling fighters jets
and other military aircraft.
LIAM
WOW!
THAD
I guess we know what Donner's
secret is.
Donner catches up to them.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Donnie, honey, what the hell IS all
this?
DONNER
I've been making jets for the
military the last couple of months.
Cool, huh?
Five uniformed officers march up to Donner.
DONNER
Oh. Guys, these are the government
liaisons. General Mills, General
Store, General Admission, Corporal
Punishment, and Private Parts.
GENERAL MILLS
What are these people doing here?
DONNER
Relax, I'm just giving them a tour!
GENERAL STORE
We've warned you about bring people
in for the purpose of impressing
them and getting laid!
DONNER
Don't have a fit! These people are
on the level! Laid? Damn... I
should have brought that Stacy
chick!
LIAM
Dude, that's my sister!
DONNER
Yeah, and hopefully the genes for
retardation skipped her in your
family.
GENERAL ADMISSION
(to Donner)
Even though you've agreed to house
this project in your hotel, you
still must understand that this
isn't your little playground!
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT
The American Armed Forces is a
highly tuned machine and we can't
tolerate your tendencies here, son!
The camera pans over to Private Parts. He has a Banana
poking out of his ear.
PRIVATE PARTS
There's a reason I have a banana in
my ear. I'm trying to lure the
monkey out of my head!
Everyone looks at Private Parts and then turn back to the
conversation.
DONNER
Will you guys cut me some slack!
We're not here to ogle at the jets!
We're just here to use the phone
tracking system and missile
platforms!
GENERAL ADMISSION
Oh. Well, that's different. Would
you like some coffee?
DONNER
No thanks.
KEVIN
I'll take a decaf.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Got espresso?
PRIVATE PARTS
The peanut is neither a pea nor is
it a nut!
Everyone looks at Private Parts.
DONNER
Come on, guys. Let's find out who
is behind this depraved game!
Liam, Donner, Chocolate Treat, Kevin, and Gary walk down the
hall.
PRIVATE PARTS
Oh, wait... It is a nut.
INT. THE MILITARY PHONE TRACKING SYSTEM
The room looks like the bridge of the Enterprise as Liam and
the gang enters.
THAD
Wow, look at all the pretty
buttons!
DONNER
Now, all we have to do is wait for
the bastard to call us again and
we'll shove half a dozen
intercontinental ballistic missiles
down his throat!
The phone rings.
KEVIN
Talk about timing.
Donner's hands fly over the controls. He presses a big
button and then picks up the phone.
COMPUTER VOICE
Missiles fired.
DONNER
HA! WE'VE GOT YOU NOW!!! EAT THE
FINEST IN MILITARY BOOM RODS!!! HA
HA HA!!!
Donner hangs up.
KEVIN
Good going, Donner, you sure showed
him.
DONNER
Thank you. Now, would you guys
like to see something really cool?
Donner goes to a wall and opens another secret door. The
room is totally dark. Donner goes inside and, after a couple
of seconds, the lights come on. Donner is straddling the
nose of a highly sophisticated helicopter.
DONNER
Cool, huh?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Donner! There's a large multi
billion dollar war weapon between
your legs!
DONNER
Yeah, there's a helicopter there
too.
LIAM
What is it?
Donner hops down.
DONNER
This is the thing that's going to
put me back on top of the Fortune
500 again! This is the Ballistic
Intercontinental Targeting
Computerized Helicopter.
B.I.T.C.H. For short.
THAD
Why do they call it B.I.T.C.H.?
DONNER
Well, imagine you're Osama Bin Laden
and you hear that America is
sending a B.I.T.C.H. Squad loaded
with bombs.
THAD
I see.
DONNER
This is the prototype for all air
force war choppers for the next
fifty years! It's packed with
artificial intelligence drives,
smart bombs... Hell, this sucker
could take over a small country all
by itself!
GARY
But why are you showing us this?
Is this just another hollow attempt
to impress people who are generally
unimpressed with your playboy
attitude and wealth?
DONNER
Hmmm... Perhaps you have a good
point, but here's another one.
Donner stomps Gary's foot. Gary jumps up and down holding
his foot in pain. GENERAL MILLS, GENERAL STORE, GENERAL
ADMISSION, CORPORAL PUNISHMENT, and PRIVATE PARTS enter.
GENERAL ADMISSION
Mister Donner, I just got a very
disturbing call from my mother.
She said something about you
telling her to eat your boom rod?
Donner stops.
DONNER
Uh... I have no idea what you're
talking about, but on a completely
unrelated topic, you may want to
call her immediately and tell her
to get out of her house in about
thirty seconds.
GENERAL ADMISSION
I...
DONNER
Don't ask questions, man! MOVE!
General Admission jumps, flips out his cell phone, and dials
as he runs to the next room.
GENERAL MILLS
Good news, Mister Donner, the
military is going to buy your
B.I.T.C.H.
DONNER
They are?
GENERAL MILLS
In fact, we want to order 100,000
of them for our invasion of Cuba.
(to Liam and others)
You guys didn't hear that from me.
DONNER
One hundred thousand at a billion
dollars each? BABY! I'M A
TRILLIONARE!!! SUCK ON THIS,
CAPEMAN!!! I'M BACK!
Donner rips an electronic eavesdropping device from the wall.
DONNER
YOU HEAR THAT LOCKHEAD MARTIN? I'M
THE NEW MILITARY SUPPLIER AND YOU
CAN GET A SPOON AND EAT MY ASS!!!
ELECTRONIC DEVICE
Dick.
LIAM
Well, congratulations, Donner. I'm
sure that you will put your money
to good use not feeding the hungry
and not housing the homeless. I
guess now the mysterious caller
can't use your secret aircraft
construction hanger to blackmail
you anymore.
DONNER
(blank look)
Huh?
LIAM
The secret compound? You know,
you're big secret that the phantom
caller was blackmailing you with?
DONNER
Huh? NO! That wasn't my big
secret. I thought he found out I
was from Texas.
(slaps hand over mouth)
Oops.
GARY
YOU'RE from Texas!?
DONNER
Poop.
GARY
That's so COOL!
DONNER
Huh?
GARY
Brent Spiner's from Houston!
DONNER
Oh, God.
THAD
Guys?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Honey, I've got relatives in
Austin. You've got nothing to be
ashamed of.
THAD
Uh, guys?
PRIVATE PARTS
Dolphins are the chicken of the
seas, but I think that chicken will
always be the chicken of the land.
THAD
GUYS!
LIAM
What, Thad?
THAD
Is there any particular reason
Kevin is prepping the B.I.T.C.H.
For takeoff?
Everyone turns around. Sure enough, Kevin has started the
B.I.T.C.H. engines and is about to take off.
DONNER
NO! What's he doing with my BABY!?
Kevin smiles, waves good-bye, and - with a hearty laugh -
takes off crashing through the ceiling and flying off into
the blue sky.
LIAM
Could someone explain to me what
the hell just happened?
GENERAL STORE
I remember that face now!
LIAM
Who's? Kevin's?
GENERAL STORE
Yes... Kevin Riley. He's on the
top of the militaries top secret
top ten list!
LIAM
The what?
GENERAL STORE
He's a spy for China.
DONNER
NO! HE CAN'T TAKE MY BABY TO
CHINA!
LIAM
You mean to tell me that I've known
a famous Chinese spy for over two
years now and no one in the
military thought to inform any of
us?
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT
The military's top ten list is top
secret.
GENERAL MILLS
That's why no one recognized him
until he stole the helicopter.
PRIVATE PARTS
Well, he's not going to steal the
silverware. I glued THAT to the
ceiling!
Everyone looks up. The ceiling is covered with forks,
spoons, knives, ladles, and other silverware. There is also
a small Chihuahua with his feet glued to the ceiling barking
at them.
LIAM
All right... I understand the
silverware, but why the dog?
PRIVATE PARTS
YOU understand the silverware?
(silently to others)
He's CRAZY!
Donner is weeping, looking up at the hole in the ceiling.
GENERAL STORE
(to Donner)
I think our business here is done.
Mister Donner, the next time you
feel like selling aerial weapons to
the military, do us all a favor and
shoot yourself.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Wow... Burn.
THAD
Huh huh... He's from Texas.
DONNER
SHUT UP!
THAD
Okay, partner!
FADE TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - DAYS LATER
Liam, Thad, GARY, DONNER, and CHOCOLATE TREAT are watching
the news.
TV
Our top story tonight, India has
now fallen to the Chinese and their
swarm of seemingly unstoppable
B.I.T.C.H.es. India has now joined
Japan, Taiwan, and most of Eastern
Russia in being China's latest
woman.
Liam shuts the TV off.
LIAM
I guess all the warning signs were
there. I mean, a guy that sells
make-up? What kind of a profession
is that?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
That and that compact he sold me
last week that kept shouting at me
in Chinese. He paid two thousand
bucks to get it back.
GARY
And then, there was all those times
we were talking politics with him
and he kept saying, "Well, when
China runs things...".
THAD
And when Mao Sai Dung died and he
wore black for a month?
LIAM
And then that one time we got him
really drunk and he admitted to
being a spy?
DONNER
My head hurts. I'm going to go see
if whatever's left of my tattered
reputation can be salvaged. By the
way... You all suck.
THAD
Happy trails, cowpoke.
DONNER
Eat my ass, Snoop Dog.
Donner leaves.
THAD
I'm going to start learning how to
say "welcome and blessings to our
gloried conquerors" in Chinese.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Good idea. We're coming with you!
Gary, Chocolate Treat, and Thad leaves.
LIAM
I guess I'd better put a call into
Capeman and the Justice Squad and
see if they can bust a few Chinese
heads.
Liam reaches for the phone, but it rings before he can pick
up the receiver. He sighs and picks it up.
LIAM
Hello?
MENACING VOICE
I know who you are and I know what
you did!
LIAM
Oh yeah? Well, I know who YOU are
and I know what YOU did!
MENACING VOICE
Y-You do?
LIAM
I do and if you don't stop making
these phone calls, I'll tell
EVERYONE! Click.
MENACING VOICE
Did you hang up?
LIAM
No, I just said "click".
Liam hangs up and smiles he looks down at his watch.
LIAM
Three... Two... One...
Bippo bursts in.
BIPPO
LIAM! YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME!
FADE OUT:
THE END