THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.14 - "Die Hardest"
Written by Jesse Glaspey

               INT. A DARK AND SINISTER LAIR

               The Tribunal of Evil is watching as Liam and the gang are
               hanging out.

                                   TRIBUNAL 1
                         Look at him! Oblivious to his
                         certain doom!

                                   TRIBUNAL 2
                         His fate is sealed and he doesn't
                         even notice!

                                   TRIBUNAL 3
                         Our will shall be carried out!

                                   TRIBUNAL 4
                         Oh, who are we kidding?

                                   TRIBUNAL 5
                         Tribunal 4! What was that all
                         about?

                                   TRIBUNAL 4
                         Seriously, guys! Haven't any of you
                         noticed every time we send
                         something after him, he somehow
                         manages to escape it?

                                   TRIBUNAL 1
                         Well, do you have any ideas?

                                   TRIBUNAL 4
                         Well here's a novel idea, how about
                         we select someone else for the
                         sacrifice?

                                   TRIBUNAL 2
                         How about Lorenzo Lamas?

                                   TRIBUNAL 5
                         What is with your obsession with
                         Lorenzo Lamas?

                                   TRIBUNAL 2
                         What obsession? I'd just like to
                         sacrifice him! Cover him in the
                         holy oil… place him on the altar…
                         and then…

                                   TRIBUNAL 3
                         Okay, we're sticking with Liam
                         Smith… Everybody okay with that?

                                   TRIBUNALS 1,4,5
                         Yeah, yeah, yeah.

                                   TRIBUNAL 1
                         Well, what if we try a different
                         approach? We always recruit the
                         supernatural or superhuman to go
                         after Liam Smith. Why not recruit a
                         human? A human capable of doing the
                         job!

                                   TRIBUNAL 2
                         But who shall we call on?

                                   TRIBUNAL 3
                         There's only one possible choice…

                                   TRIBUNAL 4
                         Then he is the one! Tonight… after
                         we watch "Family Guy"… We
                         call…WALLY PIMENTO: CRIMELORD!

                                   TRIBUNAL 5
                         And finally, Liam Smith will be
                         ours!!!

               EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE ROOFTOP - TWO WEEKS LATER.

               The Upda Creek Gang is having a rooftop party. Most of the
               gang we know is there. Arturo is cooking hamburgers on a
               barbeque. Doris playing "quarters" with Kevin Riley. Everyone
               is having a good time.

                                   STACY
                             (dancing)
                         Wow! This is great! Who would have
                         guessed a party would be just what
                         we needed to relax! Too bad Donner
                         has business meetings he can't get
                         out of to be here!

                                   BIPPO
                         Giving strippers money counts as a
                         business meeting?

               Stacy's expression changes.

                                   STACY
                         You know, I'm not really shocked
                         he'd ditch us for some sleazy
                         bimbos with fake hoo-hoos!

                                   THAD
                         Speaking of bimbos, Chocolate Treat
                         had to work, so she couldn't make
                         it either. But she sent us a bottle
                         of Cristal.

                                   LIAM
                         I'll tell you what I'm shocked at:
                         How good of a DJ Triumph is!

               Triumph is spinning records.

                                   TRIUMPH
                         Yes, yes. This next hit is called
                         "Pop". Although if you add an "S"
                         to "hit" and an "O" to "pop" you're
                         getting a more appropriate title. I
                         kid… I kid… this is a good little
                         dance number… FOR ME TO POOP ON!

               Triumph plays more music. Jesse walks up to Tempus.

                                   JESSE
                         Hey, so you're the guy from the
                         future, right?

                                   TEMPUS
                         I'm not telling you any stock tips
                         or sports scores.

                                   JESSE
                         Did I ask? I just want to know who
                         wins the Oscars a couple of years
                         from now.

                                   TEMPUS
                         Okay, don't tell anyone but… Keep
                         your eye on this kid, David
                         Arquette.

                                   JESSE
                         WHAT? You're kidding. Anything else
                         we should know?

                                   TEMPUS
                         Yes, also that year… Hell freezes
                         over.

               Tempus laughs and walks off.

                                   JESSE
                         Oh, god. I hope he's joking.

               All of a sudden, a group of thugs kick down the door to the
               roof and surround the gang.

                                   ARTURO
                         What the devil is going on here?

               The thugs point several guns at each tenant. One thug,
               TYRONE, talks into a radio.

                                   TYRONE
                         Rooftop secure, boss! Come on out!

               The boss comes out. He is WALLY PIMENTO: Crimelord.

                                   STACY
                         Oh my god! Wally Pimento?

                                   EVERYONE
                         Who?

                                   STACY
                         Don't any of you read the papers?

               A pause.

                                   STACY
                         Don't any of you read, period? He's
                         the number one crimelord in East
                         Rutherford, New Jersey!

                                   WALLY PIMENTO
                         That's right! And if you know
                         what's good for you, you'll all
                         stay cool! Otherwise… THIS will
                         happen to you!

               Wally snaps his finger and Tyrone turns his gun towards Jesse
               and fires. Jesse is sent back so far by the impact of the
               shot he is staggering by the edge of the roof.

                                   JESSE
                         Well… this… sucks!

               Jesse's eyes roll back and he falls off the roof of the
               building, crashing into a dumpster below.

                                   TYRONE
                         Heh! Welcome to the party, pal!

                                   WALLY
                         Anyone else want to risk their
                         lives? Good. Because as of now,
                         your butts are mine!

               MUSICAL STING

                                                       FADE OUT

               ------------ 
               Theme Song (Set to Limp Bizkit's "My Way")
               Ch-ch-check-Check out my parody!
               Just one… more season and we're through with this…
               Just some… more villains to get ass kicked…
               Some weird s**t is about to hit…
               This is it…YEAH!
               Bippo is gonna break a buncha laws!
               Thad is gonna grow fur and paws!
               All 'cause of Liam Smith!
               It's Liam Smith!
               The Liam Smith Show's on!
               Ch-ch-check-Check out my parody…
               Ch-ch-check-Check out my parody…

               OLE!

               ------------- 

                                   The Liam Smith Show

                                         STARRING
										 
                                       Dian Bachar
                                            as
                                        Liam Smith
										
                                       Co-Starring

                                       Jason Donner
                                            as
                                          Donner

                                   Seann William Scott
                                            as
                                       Thad Coffey

                                       Cameron Diaz
                                            as
                                       Stacy VaVoom

                                       Robert Floyd
                                            as
                                     Bippo the Clown

                                     John Rhys-Davies
                                            as
                                     Professor Arturo

                                       Gary Dourdan
                                            as
                                          Tempus

                                        Jason Lee
                                            as
                               Jesse Glaspey/Cosmic Weasel

                                        Jack Black
                                            as
                                Jonathan Krueger/Dr. Wham

                               Triumph The Insult Comic Dog

                                       Betty White
                                            as
                                     Doris Winchester

                                          RuPaul
                                            as
                                     Chocolate Treat

                                         Leon Lai
                                            as
                                       Kevin Riley

                                    EVEN MORE STARRING

                                      Louie Anderson
                                            as
                                    Police Chief Piggy

                              George Clooney & Danny Devito
                                            as
                                 Officers Tooty & Sunday

                                      Michael Keaton
                                            as
                                     Chip Beavermilk

                                      Marina Sirtis
                                            as
                                   Senestra Malevolous

                                 WITH SPECIAL GUEST STARS

                                       Verne Troyer
                                            as
                                      Wally Pimento

                                           and
                                   The Kids In The Hall
                                            as
                                   The Tribunal of Evil

               EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE ROOF.

               The gang is surrounded by Wallt Pimento's goons.

                                   STACY
                         Oh my god! He killed Jesse!

                                   THAD
                         You bastards!

                                   LIAM
                             (Whispering to Jonathan)
                         Well? Aren't you going to transform
                         into Dr. Wham?

                                   JONATHAN
                             (Whispering)
                         If I do, I end up risking the lives
                         of all of you! I reckon this is the
                         same reason Thad hasn't wolfed out
                         and Tempus hasn't brought out any
                         high-tech thingamajigies.

                                   LIAM
                             (Whispering to Tempus)
                         Is that true?

                                   TEMPUS
                         Basically. Yes. If I bring up
                         S.U.I.T. I risk all of you getting
                         shot. Something that I'm not going
                         to allow to happen.

                                   ARTURO
                         Why are you doing this? Why us? And
                         where did Triumph go??? I think
                         that little sod ditched us!

                                   WALLY
                         I don't owe you any kind of
                         explanation! Get moving! Everyone
                         downstairs!

               Wally runs up to Arturo and kicks him in the shins.

                                   ARTURO
                         Ow! Why you little…

               Another henchman, ERIK shoves a gun directly in Arturo's
               face.

                                   WALLY
                         What? Little what?

                                   ARTURO
                         Little… rascal?

                                   WALLY
                         Better! Everyone move!

               A very large henchman, MOOSE is standing behind Bippo.

                                   MOOSE
                         Come on Bozo! Get moving! Haw haw!

               Moose shoves Bippo forward, knocking him down. Thad helps him
               back up as the group is escorted to Liam's place.

               INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. LIAM'S PLACE

                                   LIAM
                         Why are we being brought here?

                                   WALLY
                         Because the Tribunal wants you
                         specifically!

                                   LIAM
                         Who?

                                   WALLY
                         The Tribunal of Evil! They hired us
                         to bring you to them!

                                   LIAM
                         So why are my friends being held
                         hostage?

                                   WALLY
                         Simply because we figure we'll make
                         a profit off this! We'll hold you
                         for ransom!

                                   STACY
                         Ransom? Who's going to pay ransom
                         for us?

                                   WALLY
                         From what I've heard, you all are
                         friends of Jason Donner, founder of
                         DonCo. Are you not?

               A long pause.

                                   STACY
                         "Friends" is such a… vague term
                         when it comes to Donner.

                                   DORIS
                         Oh god, we're dead.

               Wally walks over to Stacy.

                                   WALLY
                         Well, perhaps I can be persuaded to
                         let you go… if you play nice…

               Wally grabs Stacy's leg. She immediately backs away from
               Wally.

                                   STACY
                         GROSS!

               The goons point their guns at everyone's heads.

                                   JONATHAN
                         Stacy. Do us a favor. Let… the
                         midget… grab your leg.

                                   MOOSE
                         I think Clarabelle here is jealous,
                         boss! Haw haw!

               Moose shoves Bippo down again. Bippo is getting visibly
               annoyed.

                                   LIAM
                         Wait. You're going to kidnap me to
                         some people called the Tribunal of
                         Evil and ransom my friends off to
                         Donner? Once you've traded my
                         friends for the money, what's going
                         to prevent me from escaping?

                                   WALLY
                         Well, besides my armed troops and
                         the fact we'll hunt you down until
                         the day you die?

                                   LIAM
                         Well… yeah? Besides all that.

                                   WALLY
                         How about this?

               Wally opens his coat and reveals he's wearing several high
               explosives.

                                   LIAM
                         That'll do.

                                   ARTURO
                         So why does this Tribunal of Evil
                         want Liam?

               Wally runs up to Arturo and kicks him in the shins again.

                                   WALLY
                         I'll do the talking here, fatso!

                                   LIAM
                         He has a good point, what do they
                         want with me?

                                   WALLY
                         They've apparently been wanting you
                         for quite some time. But everytime
                         they sent someone after you, you'd
                         evade them and thwart their
                         emmissary!

                                   LIAM
                         They've sent people?

                                   WALLY
                         Several! The Omega Nerds, The
                         Lilith Swarm… among many others!

                                   LIAM
                         They were sent by this Tribunal of
                         Evil???

                                   WALLY
                         You mean to tell me, you've been
                         attacked by various people and you
                         haven't even bothered to find out
                         why? HA HA! That's just too much!

                                   LIAM
                         I was getting around to it!

               Another henchman, "TEXAS" leans over to Wally.

                                   TEXAS
                         Sir, we've called the police like
                         you ordered.

                                   WALLY
                         Excellent. Make sure the building
                         perimeter is secure! No one gets in
                         or out!

                                   TEXAS
                         Yes, sir. We've sent teams out to
                         search the building for possible
                         security breaches.

                                   WALLY
                         Perfect! We'll be rolling in the
                         dough fairly soon.

               EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS.

               Several police cars pull up outside the apartment building.
               Police Chief Piggy gets out of one of the cars. Tooty and
               Sunday get out of another.

                                   PIGGY
                         Who got the call on this one?

                                   TOOTY
                         We did, sir! We received a call not
                         more than ten minutes ago! They're
                         demanding 10 million in cash from a
                         Jason Donner or the tenants will be
                         killed!

                                   PIGGY
                         Has anyone tried calling Mr.
                         Donner?

                                   TOOTY
                         Officer Sunday is calling Mr.
                         Donner as we speak.

                                   SUNDAY
                             (On a phone)
                         Mr. Donner? This is Officer Sunday
                         of the Las Vegas Police Department!
                         We have a situation at Upda Creek
                         Apartments! Your friends are being
                         held hostage…. The ransom is set at
                         10 million… Hello? Hello?

                                   PIGGY
                         What did he say?

                                   SUNDAY
                         He said "Friends… is such a vague
                         term" and then he hung up.

               Piggy and the officers sigh. Meanwhile…

               EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. A DUMPSTER.

               The trash starts moving. A rustling is heard and a hand
               reaches out of the garbage. Jesse starts to pull himself out
               of the rubbish. He is VERY irritated.

                                   JESSE
                         All right, punks. You had your
                         shot… NOW IT'S MY TURN!

               Jesse then slips on a banana peel and falls back into the
               trash.

                                   JESSE
                         Crap!

               ----------------- 

               COMMERCIAL BREAK

               Tonight! On the Food Channel… A special episode of Emeril!

               Emeril: Tonight, we're gonna talk about PRODUCE! I'm gonna
               chop some tomatoes! I'm gonna peel  bananas! And I'm gonna
               get my salad tossed!

               A pause.

               Emeril: Waitaminute…

               ---------

               We see KLVE is on the air…

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         LIVE FROM THE STREETS! IT'S KLVE'S
                         COVERAGE OF "UPDA CREEK WITHOUT A
                         PADDLE: A BUILDING IN CRISIS!" WITH
                         YOUR ANCHORMAN, CHIP BEAVERMILK!

               The building is shown with fake screams in the background and
               cheap looking flames surrounding the building as the logo is
               shown. Cut to Chip in front of the building.

                                   CHIP BEAVERMILK
                         Chip Beavermilk coming to you live
                         from the Upda Creek apartments! A
                         building that has the city GRIPPED
                         in terror! The police stand idly
                         by! Helpless and impotent to help
                         the innocent people inside!

               We see Officers Tooty and Sunday playing cards.

                                   TOOTY
                         Got any fives?

                                   SUNDAY
                         Go fish.

                                   TOOTY
                         Damn! You're good.

                                   CHIP
                         We're lucky enough to have one of
                         the tenants here with us today! A
                         tenant who was lucky enough to be
                         somewhere else when the hostage
                         situation began! Miss? What's your
                         name?

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                             (To camera)
                         Chocolate Treat all up in this
                         heazy!

                                   CHIP
                         Miss Treat. Your friends are in
                         that building. With their lives in
                         danger and no possible hope for
                         rescue. Do you have any thoughts?

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         Yeah. I wanna give a shoutout to
                         Millie, T-bone, Li'l Pappy,
                         Shaniqua, LaMont and Mr. Darrell my
                         high school math teacher!

                                   CHIP
                         Wonderful. We'll be right back with
                         live coverage. We now return you to
                         the Source Awards already in
                         progress!

               INT. SCORE'S

               We see Donner watching TV with some strippers. We hear
               gunshots from the TV.

                                   STRIPPER
                         Oh my god! Are the terrorists
                         firing on the police?

                                   DONNER
                         No. That's just the Source Awards.

               Rim shot.

               EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE WINDOW INTO JESSE AND
               JONATHAN'S APARTMENT.

               We see the window is broken. Footprints are leading up to the
               broken glass.

               INT. JESSE & JONATHAN'S PLACE.

               Jesse has come out of the shower. He's in clean clothes and
               looking for his ring.

                                   JESSE
                         The ONE time I take that stupid
                         thing off… It figures I'd be put in
                         a ridiculous situation like this.
                         Okay. I have to keep a low profile
                         and take down these dillweeds all
                         by myself. The odds are against me
                         and I have no plan… Kinda like
                         playing Nintendo!

               We hear a banging on the door.

                                   JESSE
                         NOBODY HOME!

               A pause. Jesse smacks his forehead.

                                   JESSE
                         D'oh!

               A goon, G-DOGG, busts down the door and enters the apartment
               armed with a submachine gun.

                                   G-DOGG
                         Come out, come out, wherever you
                         are…

               G-Dogg walks around Jesse and Jonathan's place and looks for
               anyone. Jesse is hiding above him on one of the ceiling
               lights.

                                   G-DOGG
                         I promise, if you come out. We
                         won't hurt you!

               Jesse lowers himself upside down in front of G-Dogg.

                                   JESSE
                         That's for damn sure!

               Jesse grabs G-Dogg and yanks him upwards off-screen. We hear
               several punches and screams. We then see G-Dogg dropped onto
               a table, knocking him out. Jesse then lowers himself from the
               ceiling.

                                   JESSE
                         Well, I guess your friends are
                         going to be looking for you… unless
                         you go to them first…

               A smile crosses Jesse's face.

               INT. LIAM'S PLACE.

               Wally is pacing around.

                                   WALLY
                         Why hasn't Jason Donner replied to
                         our demands yet?

                                   LIAM
                         Don't expect a reply until
                         midnight.

                                   WALLY
                         Why?

                                   LIAM
                         That's when Scores closes.

               Tyrone runs in.

                                   TYRONE
                         Boss! Someone is coming up the
                         elevator!

                                   WALLY
                         I thought I told you fools to only
                         use the stairs!

                                   TYRONE
                         You did!

                                   WALLY
                         Then find out who's coming up!

               Tyrone and a couple of others surround the elevator and aim
               their guns at the doors. The elevator stops and the doors
               open.

                                   TYRONE
                         BOSS! Check this out!!!

                                   WALLY
                         Moose! Bring them with us! I want
                         them to see what happens to people
                         that try to sneak by us!

               INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. HALLWAY.

               Moose and another henchman, BILLY escort the gang as they
               follow Wally to the elevator. Wally is shocked at what he
               sees. It's G-Dogg. Unconscious, tied up and hung upside down
               in the elevator with a piece of paper on his chest.

                                   TEXAS
                         There's a note!

               Tyrone grabs the note.

                                   WALLY
                         What does it say?

                                   TYRONE
                         "How do you keep a moron in
                         suspense? Turn over."

               A pause.

                                   LIAM
                         ………..Well?

                                   WALLY
                         What's the answer, fool?

               Tyrone turns the page over.

                                   TYRONE
                         "How do you keep a moron in
                         suspense? Turn over."

               Another pause.

                                   WALLY
                         How DO you keep a moron in
                         suspense?

                                   STACY
                         Here we go…

                                   WALLY
                         This is pointless! Redouble our
                         patrols! Find who did this! GO!

                                   ARTURO
                         Are all of you thinking what I'm
                         thinking?

                                   BIPPO
                         Yeah. Pie would be really good
                         right about now.

               Moose walks up and shoves Bippo against the wall.

                                   MOOSE
                         You ain't getting no pie, Clown!
                         You keep your mouth shut!

                                   DORIS
                         Hey, (BLEEP)wad! Why don't you pick
                         on someone your own size?

               Moose walks up to Doris, he's clearly two feet taller than
               her.

                                   DORIS
                         What's your problem, big man?

                                   MOOSE
                         I don't… like… clowns.

                                   WALLY
                         Moose! Enough!

                                   MOOSE
                         Sorry, boss. Who do you think did
                         that to G-Dogg?

                                   WALLY
                         It doesn't matter! When we find
                         him, he's dead! Search every part
                         of this building!

                                   MOOSE
                         Even the ventilation shafts?

                                   WALLY
                         No you fool! People only sneak
                         around those in movies! He's
                         probably walking around somewhere!
                         What kind of idiot would crawl
                         around in ventilation shafts?

               INT. A VENTILATION SHAFT ABOVE A HALLWAY.

               It's dark in the vent. We hear a flicking sound. A Zippo
               lights up and we see Jesse holding it in front of him looking
               around.

                                   JESSE
                         "Come out to Vegas! We'll get
                         together, have a few laughs…"

               Jesse looks out one of the grates and sees Texas and GUNTHER
               (another henchman) patrolling the halls.

                                   TEXAS
                         Alright, he has to be around here
                         somewhere…

                                   JESSE
                             (to himself)
                         Closer than you think, pal. Now if
                         only I could remember how to get
                         out of this vent…

               Suddenly there's a snapping sound as the vent starts to give
               way.

                                   JESSE
                         Aw, crap.

               The vent collapses to the ground. Jesse is lying on his back
               as Texas and Gunther look down at him.

                                   TEXAS
                         Well, speak of the devil…

                                   JESSE
                         Wrong guy.

                                   TEXAS
                         What?

                                   JESSE
                         Nothing. I'll explain it later.

               Jesse springs to his feet. Texas raises his gun but before he
               can fire, Jesse grabs Gunther's gun and swings it like a bat,
               knocking Texas' gun out of his hand. Jesse catches that gun
               as well, bends them and throws them over his shoulder.

                                   JESSE
                         Sorry, but I've already been shot
                         once today… No sir. I don't like
                         it!

               Texas and Gunther rush Jesse and tackle him sending them all
               crashing through one of the apartment doors. Bippo's
               apartment to be exact. Jesse, Texas and Gunther look at their
               surroundings. Red velvet. EVERYWHERE. A huge painting of
               Wayne Newton on the wall. And a stereo system playing the
               Best of Steve Perry.

                                   JESSE
                         No… Sudden… Movements.

               A bell rings and the Wayne Newton painting lights up.

                                   WAYNE NEWTON
                         IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK!

                                   JESSE, GUNTHER & TEXAS
                         AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

               Jesse, Texas and Gunther bolt upright and run out the door
               and into the hallway. They're catching their breath.

                                   TEXAS
                         Alright, that was pretty weird!

                                   JESSE
                         You said it!

                                   GUNTHER
                         Whew! Thank god we got out of there
                         with our lives!

                                   JESSE
                         Yep!

               Jesse sucker punches Texas and kicks Gunther in the stomach
               and slams him into a wall. They're now knocked out. Jesse
               walks back into Bippo's apartment and comes out with
               handcuffs and a paper bag. Jesse cuffs Texas and Gunther to a
               pipe along the wall.

                                   JESSE
                         Alright, enough playing around. I'm
                         finding your boss and dropping him
                         like booze at AJ MacLean's house.

               INT. LIAM'S PLACE

               Meanwhile, back in Liam's place, The entire group is sitting
               in a group as the leftover henchmen pace around them. Wally
               is pacing back and forth on Liam's sofa.

                                   LIAM
                         Um, sir? I was just wondering, are
                         we going to be fed anytime soon?

                                   WALLY
                         QUIET! I'm thinking here!

               Wally runs up and kicks Liam in the shin.

                                   LIAM
                         OW! Dammit!

               Stacy gets an idea. She stands up and seductively walks
               towards Wally. She sits down next to him

                                   STACY
                             (seductive voice)
                         Please, Mr. Pimento. It may make
                         you look more sympathetic to the
                         police if you try to take care of
                         us before Donner, um… pays.

                                   WALLY
                             (Jumps onto Stacy's lap)
                         Why I can get you anything you
                         need, my sweet! All you need to
                         do…is ask.

                                   STACY
                         Well, let's get some food, then
                         we'll… talk.

               Stacy looks away from Wally and makes a gagging expression.
               Wally grabs a megaphone and walks to the window.

                                   WALLY
                         HEY PIGS! LISTEN UP! We'll let one
                         hostage go as a sign of good faith!
                         But you need to bring us some food!

               Piggy and the officers are playing Game Boy Advances. Piggy
               looks up.

                                   PIGGY
                         Um, sure! Whatever! What kind of
                         food do you want?

                                   WALLY
                         Um… What do you say guys? Thai food
                         sound okay?

                                   LIAM
                         Pizza?

                                   WALLY
                         No, Thai.

                                   LIAM
                         Pizza?

                                   WALLY
                         No. Thai!

                                   LIAM
                         Pizza?

               Wally sighs.

                                   WALLY
                         Fine. Pizza it is. BRING US PIZZA,
                         COPPERS!

               A while later, The cops are standing by a pizza guy.

                                   PIGGY
                         All right, Pimento! We have your
                         pizzas! Let one of the hostages go!

                                   WALLY
                         Very well!

               Wally looks at the group. He looks at Kevin.

                                   WALLY
                         You! The quiet one! You're free to
                         go!

                                   KEVIN
                         Woohoo!

               Kevin grabs his stuff and bolts out the door. The police send
               in the pizza guy as they see Kevin run out. The Pizza guy
               walks into the building he heads up the stairway. He's now on
               Liam's floor. As the pizza guy walks by a closet, someone
               grabs him and drags him in.

                                   THAD
                         Man, I am so hungry I could eat a
                         horse.

               Everyone looks at Thad.

                                   THAD
                         What?

               There's a knock on the door. Moose answers it. It's Jesse
               wearing the pizza guy's outfit and a phony mustache.

                                   JESSE
                             (Bad Italian accent)
                         Hey-a! It's-a your pizza!

                                   LIAM
                         Oh… no.

               ----------------------- 

               COMMERCIAL BREAK

               -	DonCo Insurance: In case s**t happens!

               -	Boot-Knocka Shoes! For stomping mudholes and walking 'em
               dry!

               -	Sheep-O's! The cereal that tastes like lamb!

               ---------------- 

               INT. LIAM'S PLACE

               Jesse walks in with the pizza. The group stares as he walks
               over to Moose and hands the pizzas over. Wally and his group
               don't notice Jesse as he winks and smiles at the group.

                                   JESSE
                         Delivery from-a Cosmic Pizzas! You
                         make-a da order, we cross-a da
                         border!

                                   WALLY
                         Ah! Our food has arrived! Eat up
                         boys! Don't forget to leave the
                         crust for our hostages!
                         Hahahahahaha!

               Wally and his goons laugh.

                                   ARTURO
                         Why you inhuman little bugger! By
                         not letting us eat you're proving
                         you're nothing more than a monster
                         in Cabbage Patch Kid clothing!

                                   WALLY
                         Oh yeah. Not eating is just killing
                         you! You're just wasting away!

               Wally kicks Arturo in the shin again.

                                   JESSE
                         Well enjoy-a your pizza! But how-a
                         about a tip?

                                   WALLY
                         Here's a tip! Don't let the door
                         hit you in the ass! Get out!

                                   JESSE
                         You want-a your receipt?

                                   WALLY
                         Keep it!

                                   JESSE
                         Okay, I throw-a it away!

               Jesse crumples up the receipt and throws it over his
               shoulder, it lands in Jonathan's hands. Jesse walks out the
               door. Wally and the henchman eat their pizza. Jonathan opens
               up the receipt and sees a note.

                                   JONATHAN
                             (Quietly)
                         "Don't eat the pizza."

               Jonathan sees Thad reaching for a piece of crust. Jonathan
               slaps his hand away. Thad growls. Jonathan pulls out a squeak
               toy and tosses it to Thad. Thad starts chewing on it.

                                   THAD
                             (While chewing)
                         You are SO lucky. That squeak toy
                         just saved your life!

               A couple of minutes later, Wally and his gang have finished
               the pizza.

                                   WALLY
                         Ahhhhhh… that really hit the spot!

               Wally's stomach grumbles.

                                   WALLY
                         Ohhhh…ugh!

               The gang starts clutching  their stomachs.

                                   MOOSE
                         Boss, I think I gotta go potty!

                                   ERIK
                         Me too!

                                   BILLY
                         Ditto!

                                   TYRONE
                             (Clutching stomach)
                         Oh, brotha straight jackin' me to
                         the bone!

                                   WALLY
                         Fine! You all can go to the
                         bathroom… AFTER ME!

               Wally rushes off to the bathroom. He slams the door. The
               goons are very pre-occupied with their bowel problems.

                                   ERIK
                             (Clutching his pants)
                         Ohhhh god. I can feel it brewing!

               All of a sudden, the door is kicked down and Jesse walks back
               in.

                                   JESSE
                         Any of you seen my ring?

                                   JONATHAN
                             (Tosses Jesse his ring)
                         You left it up on the roof.

               Jesse catches it and is about to tap his ring…

                                   JESSE
                         Ah, the hell with it! You with me?

                                   JONATHAN
                         Oh sure!

               Jesse and Jonathan punch Tyrone so hard he flies out the
               window.

               EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS

               Piggy watches as the body falls toward the ground.

                                   PIGGY
                         Oh, I hope that's not a hostage.

                                   SUNDAY
                         UNO!

                                   PIGGY
                         DAMN YOU!

               Tyrone's body slams into a limo that pulls up. Donner gets
               out.

                                   DONNER
                             (monotone voice)
                         I already know who to blame for
                         this.

               Jesse leans out the window and yells towards Tyrone's body.

                                   JESSE
                         NOW we're even! "pal!"

               INT. LIAM'S PLACE.

               Back in the apartment, Erik and Billy reach for their guns.
               Tempus puts his hands on their guns.

                                   TEMPUS
                         I wouldn't do that if I were you.

                                   ERIK
                         W-w-why?

                                   TEMPUS
                         My friend might take it as a
                         hostile gesture.

               Tempus points behind them. Erik and Billy turn to see
               Werewolf Thad staring at them.

                                   WEREWOLF THAD
                         Boo.

               Erik and Billy faint.

                                   MOOSE
                         Youse guys aren't gonna get away
                         with this!

               Moose reaches for his gun. Bippo grabs a nearby frying pan
               and hits Moose over the head with it. Bippo continues to beat
               on the fallen Moose.with the pan. Finally he stops and throws
               the pan at the ground, grabs a napkin and wipes his sweaty
               forehead off.

                                   BIPPO
                         Hey, Jesse! Neat trick with the
                         pizza! How'd you do it?

                                   LIAM
                         Ask him later! Wally has a bomb!
                         He's gonna blow us all sky high!

                                   JESSE
                         Easily solved.

               Jesse barges in the bathroom off screen. The group listens
               in.

                                   JESSE
                         Allright, you little turd. You're
                         going… Hey! What the hell are you
                         doing IN the toilet?

                                   WALLY
                         Taking a bath! What do you think
                         I'm doing? You mind?

                                   JESSE
                         …….. No. Not at all. As a matter of
                         fact, you've just given me an idea!

               We hear struggling noises. We then hear a flush.

                                   JESSE
                         Yippee-kai-ay Mother Hubbard!

               Jesse walks out with the bomb vest Wally was wearing.

                                   STACY
                         Where's Wally?

                                   JESSE
                         He's taking the pipes.

               Jonathan is looking at Jesse.

                                   JESSE
                         What?

                                   JONATHAN
                         "Yippee-kai-ay Mother Hubbard"?

                                   JESSE
                         What? That's a good catchphrase!
                         You can't see that on a T-shirt?

                                   ARTURO
                         Jesse… The bomb???

                                   JESSE
                         Oh yeah! Almost forgot…

               Jesse throws the bomb out the window. It explodes, shattering
               all the windows in the building.

                                   JESSE
                         There? Happy?

                                   ARTURO
                             (Holding back anger)
                         Oh, I'm ecstatic.

               Arturo is about to reach for Jesse's neck when Donner walks
               in with a large briefcase..

                                   DONNER
                         I'm here! I'm here! I have the
                         money in exchange for my… friends
                         who are… free? Bah?

                                   STACY
                         Kinda late, aren't you?

                                   DONNER
                         Um… It took a while to raise the
                         money.

                                   THAD
                         Was Violet dancing tonight?

                                   DONNER
                         Hell yeah! You should have seen the
                         thing she did with a vaccum cleaner
                         and a… never mind. This trip was a
                         waste!

               Liam looks in the briefcase.

                                   LIAM
                         Since when do hundred dollar bills
                         have Christopher Walken's face on
                         them?

                                   DONNER
                             (Grabbing case)
                         GIVE ME THAT!

               ------------ 

               COMMERCIAL BREAK

               -	Gran'ma Ethel's Refried Beans & Peanut Butter! Tastes so
               good, you'll puke!

               -	The Concrete Jockstrap! Built to hold your "stuff"!

               -	Buy your own official Cosmic Weasel "Yippee-kai-ay Mother
               Hubbard" T-Shirt now!

               -----------------

               EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS

               The police are dragging Billy and Erik away in a police
               cruiser and Moose and Tyrone off in an ambulance. Arturo is
               writing something on a notepad.

                                   PIGGY
                         Jeez, guys! We're making coming
                         here into a bit of a habit!

                                   BIPPO
                         Okay! So how did you do that thing
                         with the pizza, Jesse?

                                   JESSE
                         Simple. I borrowed this from your
                         apartment!

               Jesse pulls out the bag he took earlier. He pulls a box
               marked Ex-Lax: Industrial Strength out.

                                   BIPPO
                         Awwww… I was saving that for
                         Valentine's day!

                                   STACY
                         Okay, so where did you get the
                         pizza guy outfit from?

                                   JESSE
                         I took it off some pizza guy.

                                   STACY
                         And the phony mustache?

                                   JESSE
                         Like I said, the pizza guy!

               Stacy pauses. The pizza guy walks out, half naked. He's very
               upset. He's about to attack our gang when Donner walks up to
               him.

                                   DONNER
                             (Hands the pizza guy the
                              briefcase)
                         Here. Have a million dollars.

               The Pizza guy walks away happy. Donner starts to snicker.

                                   DONNER
                         Now this trip was worth it!

                                   JONATHAN
                         Okay, so now you can answer the
                         REAL question: How the hell did you
                         survive getting shot?

                                   LIAM
                         Lemme guess! A Weasel healing
                         factor? You caught the bullet with
                         your hands at superspeed? Divine
                         intervention?

                                   JESSE
                         Nothing so pedestrian. I'll break
                         it down like this. Arturo may be a
                         brilliant professor, but he's a
                         lousy cook!

               Jesse pulls out a black hamburger patty and tosses it to
               Jonathan. Jonathan sees the bullet lodged in it.

                                   ARTURO
                         Well, lousy cook or not! Someone is
                         going to have to pay for these
                         damages! The windows, several
                         doors, a new vent shaft… I intend
                         to make you repair all these
                         damages, young man!

                                   JESSE
                             (Smiling)
                         Okay. Gimme a hammer and we'll
                         start!

                                   TEMPUS
                         Brilliant, Professor. You've just
                         given him free access to several
                         blunt objects and power tools.

                                   ARTURO
                         Well…um…Let's talk this out!

               Arturo chases after Jesse. Stacy walks up to Liam

                                   STACY
                         Still thinking about this "Tribunal
                         of Evil"?

                                   LIAM
                         Yeah. As long as they're out there
                         and after me. We're all in danger.
                         I'm going to have to do something
                         about this and soon.

                                   STACY
                         Well, I'm kinda wondering about
                         Wally Pimento and where that little
                         creep went off to.

               INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS'S APARTMENT. HER BATHROOM.

               Senestra is just getting out of the shower when she hears a
               gurgling noise. All of a sudden, Wally bursts out of the
               toilet.

                                   WALLY
                         Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

               Wally lands in Senestra's arms. Her expression of shock
               slowly turns into a smile.

                                   SENESTRA
                         Hey, there shorty. Come here often?

                                   WALLY
                         Forgive me if I don't answer! I'm
                         lost in your eyes.

               Ten minutes later… Wally and Senestra are in bed smoking
               cigarettes.

                                   SENESTRA
                         I can't belive I cheated on my
                         boyfriend!

                                   WALLY
                         You've got a boyfriend?  Who is he? 
                         I'll murder him!

                                   SENESTRA
                         Satan.

                                   WALLY
                         Satan is your boyfriend?

                                   SENESTRA
                         Eh, it's not cheating if he never
                         find out.
                             (takes a puff of the
                              cigarette)
                         Wow. You can really taste the
                         flavor! Where did you get these?

                                   WALLY
                         Found 'em in the sewers!

               Senestra spits out the cigarette and is about to say
               something when the windows are ripped open and the same
               MYSTERIOUS FIGURE floats in.

                                   MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
                         Wally Pimento! I have use of you!
                         Come with me and you shall gain
                         revenge on the ones who have
                         wronged you!

                                   WALLY
                         Count me in, pal!

                                   SENESTRA
                         What about me? Do I get an offer
                         too?

               A pause

                                   MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
                         Um, No. But we'll keep your
                         application on file. Okay, then?
                         Bye-bye now.

               Wally and the Mysterious Figure leave.

               INT. A DARK AND SINISTER LAIR

               The Tribunal of Evil are arguing.

                                   TRIBUNAL 1
                         He knows of our existence!

                                   TRIBUNAL 2
                         We're screwed!

                                   TRIBUNAL 3
                         We are soooooooo dead!

                                   TRIBUNAL 4
                         Didn't I say this was going to
                         happen?

                                   TRIBUNAL 5
                         Aw, come on guys! He can't be that
                         dangerous! Can he?

                                   TRIBUNAL 1
                         Well he may not be the sharpest
                         knife in the drawer….

                                   TRIBUNAL 2
                         But he knows plenty other sharp
                         knives in that drawer and they're
                         gonna kick our ass!

                                   TRIBUNAL 3
                         He's gonna get even! Payback time!

                                   TRIBUNAL 4
                         Tit for tat!

                                   TRIBUNAL 5
                         And speaking of "Tat"… BRING IN THE
                         DANCING GIRLS!!!

               Several strippers come in and start dancing. But the
               Tribunal's fail to smile. They're too worried.

                                                       FADE OUT

               ROLL CREDITS.

Free Web poll for your Web site - freepolls.com
//-->