The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.17 - "Timecrash"
Written by Jason Donner
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is sitting at the table glancing up at a Kari Wuhrer
calender displaying the month of November. He sighs sadly
and picks at a sanwich he's made for himself. There is a
knock at the door.
LIAM
Oh, who are you trying to kid,
Bippo? You know you're going to
come in whether I say "come in" or
not.
Bippo sticks his head in the door.
BIPPO
HA HA! You said "come in" twice.
I think I'll save the second one
for later when your not home and
the pawn shop is open. Why the
long face there, sugar?
LIAM
Oh, I always get depressed this
time of year.
BIPPO
Ah, yes... Canadian Remembrance Day
gets to me too. Not really the
holiday... Just that Canada is
still there.
LIAM
I'm talking about Thanksgiving.
Bippo stares at him blankly.
BIPPO
Oh, you mean that ritualistic
occasion where a family sacrifices
a medium-sized flightless bird and
then devours the carcass?
LIAM
That's the one, though I'll never
quite think of it the same way
again. I've always gotten sad
around Thanksgiving. Maybe it's
because I've never really had a
family to share it with.
BIPPO
What about Stacy? She IS your
sister. You remember her? The
sister you almost married?
Remember, sicko?
LIAM
Yeah, I KNOW!!!
(beat)
I thought that having her around
would somehow make me feel better,
but I still feel unfulfilled.
BIPPO
You know what you need? You need
one of those crazy adventures we
get into when people like that
Mulder guy and that Scully chick
came down or when we went on the
starship Voyager or when Scooby Doo
and the gang drop by! That'll get
your mind off things!
As if on cue, CAPTAIN DYLAN HUNT from Andromeda enters.
CAPTAIN HUNT
Excuse me, I'm Captain Dylan Hunt
from the Andromeda and I need your--
Bippo forcibly points to the door without looking at him.
BIPPO
Keep walking, buddy.
Captain Hunt hangs his head and walks out the door.
LIAM
No, Bippo... I just have to accept
the fact that no matter what, I'll
always be alone because I'll never
really know where I came from.
BIPPO
The orphanage?
LIAM
No. Before that.
BIPPO
White slavery?
Liam looks at Bippo.
LIAM
You have no idea what I'm talking
about, do you?
BIPPO
Oh, you mean your mom's pu--
LIAM
I THINK... It would be best if you
leave.
BIPPO
I'm just messin' with you, Liam.
Truth is, I understand how you
feel. Why, I remember the first
Thanksgiving after I ki... I mean,
after the old man's fatal self
inflicted axe decapitation. It was
a lonely time for me too.
LIAM
Bippo, isn't your dad a Ringmaster
with Barnum and Baily? You
introduced me to him yesterday!
BIPPO
Hey, I'm not on trial here! Am I?
I'M OUT OF ORDER!? YOU'RE OUT OF
ORDER!!! THE WHOLE SYSTEM'S OUT OF
ORDER!!! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE
TRUTH!
LIAM
Bippo, I know in your strange and
demented barely in touch with
reality way, you're trying to
help... But I really need some time
to myself. Thanks, but please
leave.
BIPPO
All right, I'm going.
Bippo starts towards the door.
BIPPO
Too bad you don't have a way of
going back in time to unravel the
mysteries of your childhood and
subsequent separation from your
parents. I'm sure THAT would make
you feel better.
Bippo exits.
LIAM
Yeah, that might help, but how
would such a thing be possible?
Bippo passes by outside Liam's window.
BIPPO
What about your VCR?
LIAM
YEAH! MY VC...
Liam glances back at Bippo in shock
LIAM
Bippo? I'm on the 2nd story!
BIPPO
Oh, poopies.
Bippo falls on the ground with a thud.
BIPPO (O.C.)
I'm okay! The concrete broke my
fall!
Liam runs to his closet and begins digging for the time
traveling VCR. After a few minutes, be comes up empty
handed.
LIAM
What the hell did I do with it?
Liam spies the VCR holding up the coffee table under a broken
leg.
LIAM
SUCCESS!!!
Liam begins setting the VCR up while whistling the Oscar
Meyer song to himself.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Bippo is walking along the sidewalk when suddenly, a
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER walks up along side him.
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER
Is it done?
BIPPO
What? The giving Liam the idea of
going back in time? Yeah. It was
a good prank, huh? Maybe we can
work together again sometime, huh?
The Mysterious Stranger lags behind and takes off his hat
revealing that he is SATAN.
SATAN
Oh, yes... That is a distinct
possibility.
Satan smiles an evil smile.
FADE OUT:
------
THEME SEQUENCE
Set to the theme music of "The Dick Van Dyke Show", Liam enters his apartment where Stacy,
Bippo, Arturo, and Thad are waiting for him. Liam smiles and goes to shake Arturo's hand
when he trips over a footrest and crashes into the coffee table. Everyone has a light-
hearted laugh as Liam gets up holding a massive head wound gushing blood all over the place.
Finally, Liam begins to laugh with them as well.
------
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Also Starring
Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"
and
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
The Liam Smith Show contains mostly new jokes and 76 percent actual humor. Not a signifigant source of USDA approved entertainment.
INT. TEMPUS' PLACE
Tempus is watching a holographic readout of the timestream
while working on his S.U.I.T.
TEMPUS (V.O.)
Chronolog. Date: November 24,
2001. It turns out that my
situation isn't as hopeless as I
first thought it was. With
S.U.I.T.'s diminishing power
reserves, I am forced to adapt
primitive 21st century power to
recharge it. Results are
promising. Perhaps I might
actually see 3033 again if I can
save the future.
The holographic display beeps.
TEMPUS
Uh-oh.
S.U.I.T.
Uh-oh, what? Did you spill
something on me? You know, that
spaghetti stain you got on me
during the Meozoic Era still hasn't
come out!
TEMPUS
My timeline integrity table is
showing a 35 percent rise in
chronoton particles and a 95
percent drop in the certainty
factor. Who could be doing this?
S.U.I.T.
It's a good thing that the space
time hollow you live in protects
you from changes in the timeline.
TEMPUS
Yeah, but I'm not going to be able
to initiate repairs by myself!
I'll have to snatch a few people
from the timeline before it shifts!
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - LOBBY
Thad and Arturo are arguing. Stacy looks on.
ARTURO
There is no more need for
disagreement, Thaddeus Your
contract specifically states that
heartworms are NOT covered by
insurance.
THAD
But, professor!
The ground shakes.
STACY
What was that?
THAD
Professor, did you cut one?
ARTURO
Did I what?
STACY
What's going on!? Was that another
earthquake?
ARTURO
I haven't the foggiest!
Suddenly, furniture in the lobby begins to change and
transform before their eyes. A red couch turns into a brown
love seat. A glass end table turns to wood.
STACY
What the HELL!?
Suddenly, a door of light appears. Tempus steps out in his
timesuit.
TEMPUS
Your timeline is shifting. Get in
here now before you change as well.
Thad, Stacy, and Arturo jump inside the door which slams shut
just as the entire office transforms.
INT. TEMPUS' PLACE
Tempus walks to the holographic display. The others follow
him.
ARTURO
What the devil just happened back
there!?
TEMPUS
I told you. History has been
altered. I was lucky enough to
save the three of you before you
were altered as well.
THAD
History's been altered? When?
TEMPUS
The appropriate answer isn't how,
Thad... It's when.
THAD
But that's what I...
TEMPUS
THERE!
Tempus points to the display.
TEMPUS
It looks like someone traveled
backwards in time about forty-five
seconds ago.
THAD
How?
TEMPUS
The question isn't "who", Thad, but
how?
THAD
But I said...
TEMPUS
Time travel technology isn't
pioneered until the late 23rd
century. What is it doing in 2001?
THAD
I think I know why.
TEMPUS
The question isn't why, Thad,
it's...
(a beat)
Wait... YOU know why?
THAD
Liam has a VCR that can zap one
person back in time.
TEMPUS
Huh?
THAD
Well, I'm not privy to all the
details, but my predecessor's
predecessor, Harry the Handyman was
the one who invented it.
TEMPUS
You're saying that a man-beast from
a back-woods rape the tourists time
like 2001 invented time travel?
THAD
If it makes you feel any better, it
WAS an accident. Oh, and he did it
last year, so that should make you
feel even more insulted.
STACY
So, Liam went back in time. But
why?
THAD
And when?
TEMPUS
We can't concern ourselves with the
"why" the "how" and the "when", we
must focus on the... Uh... The
problem. I'll have to monitor the
timestream and see exactly where
this deviation began. In the
meantime, professor, I want you to
do me a favor.
Tempus hands the professor an instrument.
TEMPUS
That's a chronocorder. It measures
trace temporal displacements. Take
it to Liam's apartment and scan the
room.
ARTURO
I thought that history was altered.
TEMPUS
It was. You're going to be going
into an alternate timeline so be
careful.
ARTURO
Oh, don't worry about me. I happen
to have a bit of experience in
alternate worlds.
Arturo leaves. Stacy casts a worried eye on the holographic
readout.
STACY
Liam, where are you?
TEMPUS
The appropriate question, Stacy, is
"when are you".
Stacy looks at Tempus for a second and then punches him in
the face. Thad looks at Stacy in wonder.
THAD
I love you.
EXT. A SMALL TOWN OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS
Liam is walking down the road with the VCR under one arm.
The dress of the passersby and the cars parks on the street
indicate a period of over twenty years ago.
LIAM
Wow!
Liam goes up to a man on the sidewalk.
LIAM
Excuse me, could you tell me what
the date is?
MAN
Oh, it's June 28th.
LIAM
And the year?
MAN
(give Liam weird look)
1979.
LIAM
Great, and what color is the sky?
The man looks at Liam.
MAN
What are you talking about? Why
are you asking so many stupid...!?
LIAM
HAH! Got you! That was a joke...
Actually, the first question about
what year it was wasn't a joke
because I'm a time traveler from
2001 here to solve the mysteries of
my birth.
MAN
Really? That's very interesting.
LIAM
You think?
The man slaps a pair of handcuffs on Liam.
DRAKE
I'm Doctor Drake Daniels from the
Gerald R. Ford Clinic for the
Mentally Retarded and I'm placing
you under arrest since you're an
obvious schitzophrenic.
LIAM
YOU'RE Drake Daniels? You don't
understand! I'm not a
schitzophrenic! I'm your son!
DRAKE
Look, I know my son... I've held my
son... I've played peek-a-boo with
my son and, buddy, you ain't my
son! Now come quietly or I'll have
to use force.
LIAM
Tasers? No, wait... This is 1979.
There aren't any tasers yet so what
kind of force are we talking abo--
Drake punches Liam in the face.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - 2001
Arturo enters what was once Liam's Apartment only to find the
place bare and empty.
ARTURO
I guess in this timeline, no one
lives in this apartment... Either
that or they're into minimalism.
Either way, I hope I can get the
readings on the cronocorder before
we slide.
Arturo catches himself.
ARTURO
(smiles)
Bloody hell, I've missed this. I
guess old habits die hard.
VOICE
The only thing around here that's
going to die hard is you if you
don't tell me just what the hell
you're doing in here!
Arturo whirls around.
ARTURO
Who the devil are YOU!?
MISTER HILTER enters the room.
MISTER HILTER
I'm the one who's going to bust
your ass to prison, trespasser!
ARTURO
Wait, I've seen your picture
before. You're Mister Hilter,
aren't you? It's a pleasure to
meet you.
Mister Hilter pulls a gun.
MISTER HILTER
Flattery will get you nowhere,
fatso.
ARTURO
WAIT! I'm from an alternate
timeline... The TRUE timeline. I'm
here because Liam Smith went back
in time and screwed everything up
and...
MISTER HILTER
Who?
ARTURO
Liam Smith.
MISTER HILTER
I've never heard of Liam Smith.
ARTURO
I guess he doesn't exist here.
MISTER HILTER
Wait a minute, did you say an
"alternate timeline"?
ARTURO
Yes!
MISTER HILTER
Interesting... but it's hokum and
horsesh*t. Still, I think the
others should hear this.
INT. THE GERALD R. FORD CLINIC FOR THE MENTALLY RETARDED
Liam is in a straight jacket as DRAKE DANIELS enters.
LIAM
It's been two weeks. Can I go now?
DRAKE
Actually, I'd like to hear more
about the time you come from.
LIAM
I've told you! George Bush's son
is in the White House, I live with
a man from a parallel universe and
his talking dog roommate, our
handyman is a werewolf, his best
friend is a homicidal clown... I'm
pursued by Satan, a hooker of
undetermined gender, my boss who is
actually a super villain, and
something called the Tribunal of
Evil. What's so hard to believe
about THAT!?
DRAKE
Liam... If that is your real
name... There's no such thing as
time travel.
LIAM
Of course there is. Otherwise, why
would I be here, dad?
DRAKE
And stop calling me dad.
LIAM
Sorry, pop.
DRAKE
No pops either.
LIAM
Father? Parental Unit? Pappy?
Pa?
DRAKE
Doctor Daniels will do fine.
LIAM
What about your wife, Holly?
Drake stops.
DRAKE
How the HELL did you know her...
(he stops himself)
What about her?
LIAM
You have a wife named Holly and a
step-daughter named Stacy. All
three of you are in great danger.
DRAKE
If you even THINK about hurting
them...
LIAM
No, no, no, no... Assassins!
DRAKE
Who?
LIAM
Mom... Holly told me that soon
after I was born, you guys were
attacked by assassins.
DRAKE
That's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard! Next thing you'll
be telling me that Sonny Bono
becomes a Congressman.
LIAM
He does! And Cher wins an Oscar!
DRAKE
This session is over.
Drake quickly leaves.
LIAM
Sh*t.
INT. TEMPUS' PLACE
Stacy is putting an ice pack on Tempus' face as Thad looks
on.
STACY
Sorry about that, Tempus.
TEMPUS
How typical of 21st century
barbarians. To resort to violence
over a petty matter like my
constant correction of you.
STACY
All right, look... I don't like
you. You're self-righteous,
arrogant, and you've got a
superiority complex right up the
wazzoo.
TEMPUS
All right, since we're on the
subject and I have no idea what a
'wazzoo' is, I don't like you
either. You're violent, barbaric,
primitive, and I'm ashamed to share
the same genetic makeup with you.
STACY
Same here, but we've got to work
together to straighten this out!
Tempus considers this.
TEMPUS
All right.
STACY
Fine, let's bury the hatchet.
TEMPUS
You come near me with a hatchet and
I'll...
STACY
It's an expression, numbnuts.
TEMPUS
Ah, more quaint 21st century
banter.
THAD
Hit him again, Stacy!
STACY
So, how are we going to find Liam?
TEMPUS
I'm tracking him, but time is
damaged and the readings are
unreliable. You are his sister,
correct?
STACY
Yes... Well, half sister really.
We have the same mom, but different
dads.
THAD
Huh? Your and Liam's mom was
married three times?
STACY
Yes, first to a man named Taylor
VaVoom, my father... He was a
propane salesman who was burned to
death when his barbecue pit
exploded during a propane verses
charcoal cookoff... I guess it's no
surprise who ended up winning. I
didn't know him very well... I was
only a baby when he died.
THAD
Oh, I'm sorry... I know what it's
like to loose a parent.
STACY
You ate your parents, Thad.
THAD
Yeah, but the love's still there...
And the heartburn.
STACY
Moving on then, Mom married this
doctor, Drake Daniels... He was
Liam's dad, I guess. I remember
there being a baby in the house,
but I was only four so... Anyway,
Drake left my mom and I never spoke
to him again. I heard he died a
couple of years back. I never had
any use for him.
TEMPUS
Interesting.
STACY
Mom married again to a consultant
from Carson City. He's the guy I
think of as my dad.
TEMPUS
Well, thank you Stacy... You've
been entirely no help at all.
THAD
Hit him, Stacy.
STACY
GRRR!
Tempus ducks in fear.
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY
Arturo and Hilter are there with Thad, Bippo, Chocolate
Treat, Elvis, and Doris.
ARTURO
...and So I was sent here to get
those readings so that we can find
Liam and bring him home restoring
our timeline.
ELVIS
I've taken some temporal readings
with this chronoscanner Harry
accidentally made with a Mister
Coffee before the HELL 9000 killed
him and it says that the professor
is temporally displaced, but I'm
not sure If I believe him. I mean,
he says he knows us in this
"alternate timeline", but so far,
he hasn't given us any proof of...
ARTURO
Elvis, you dream at night of a
giant purple world far away but
don't know why. You stare at the
face in the mirror and have the
strangest feeling that you're
living someone else's life.
Elvis is quietly shocked.
ELVIS
How did you know...
ARTURO
Thad, you're a killer bloodthirsty
creature of the night and by day
you question your worth as a human
being. Still, the POTENTIAL is
there!
Arturo looks at Chocolate Treat.
ARTURO
Chocolate Treat, you will sleep
with any man you can! Hell, you
gave me your room key when you
walked into the room five minutes
ago.
BIPPO
Oo! Oo! Do me next!
ARTURO
Bippo, you try to make yourself fit
in so desperately, but your nature
doesn't allow you to...
BIPPO
Not you, tubby, I was talking to
Chocolate Treat.
MISTER HILTER
I'm still not convinced.
Suddenly, Stacy enters. The side of her face is scarred by
what looks like burn marks.
STACY
Sorry I'm late, I had some stuff I
had to do back at the...
ARTURO
Stacy, child! You've come to
rescue me!
STACY
Do I know you?
ARTURO
Do you know me?
(a beat, he sees her scar)
Damn, I thought for a moment you
where... Nevermind.
MISTER HILTER
This is Professor Arturo. He
claims to be from an alternate
timeline.
STACY
Oh, just like that episode of Star
Trek where Worf went to all the
parallel universes! Or that TV
show with the three people and the
fat guy, what's-his-face?
ARTURO
I haven't the foggiest. Wait a
minute, you're talking like that
little camel toe, Gary the Fanboy!
STACY
You mean my husband?
ARTURO
Your HUSBAND!
GARY THE FANBOY enters.
GARY
Sweetheart!
STACY
My little tribble!
The two kiss.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Excuse me while I quietly retch.
ARTURO
This is too much for me to handle!
The two of you HATE each other.
GARY
Who the hell are you and what are
you talking about? Stacy and I
couldn't be more in love.
ARTURO
(gets it)
Of course... No Liam, no
restraining order against Kari
Wuhrer and no reason for her to
come to Las Vegas and break up Gary
and Stacy's engagement! Imagine
that... The world would have been a
much more lowly place without Liam
Smith.
Stacy jumps up.
STACY
Did you say Liam Smith?
ARTURO
Yes... The man who went back in
time in my timeline. He might...
STACY
Liam Smith Daniels?
ARTURO
I always assumed his last name was
Smith.
STACY
Mom and Dad were going to change
it... Shorten it to Liam Smith so
that they wouldn't find him.
ARTURO
Who?
STACY
The assassins.
ARTURO
The assassins who came after you
and your family after Liam was
born?
STACY
Yes! You know about that?
ARTURO
So Liam DOES exist here! Where is
he?
STACY
Where is he? Professor Arturo,
Liam died in 1979... he was just a
baby!
Suddenly, a man appears in the door.
MISTER HILTER
Not again! Get out of here, you
damn hobo!
MAN
Liam Smith didn't die in 1979,
Professor Arturo...
INT. A SMALL HOUSE - 1979
Drake Daniels enters. On the floor, YOUNG STACY is playing
with dolls. Drake walks over and gives his wife, HOLLY, a
kiss. Holly is holding BABY LIAM and singing the Oscar Meyer
song to him.
HOLLY
My baby has a first name, it's L-I
A-M. My has a first name, it's L-I
A-M...
(shes notices Drake)
Hi, honey.
DRAKE
Doesn't he ever get tired of you
singing that song, Holly?
HOLLY
It relaxes him. I think little
Liam likes it. That reminds me!
You'll never believe what happened
today. Liam was in his crib when
suddenly, that bookcase fell over
on top of him.
DRAKE
My GOD! Was he hurt?
HOLLY
Not in the slightest. In fact, he
didn't have a scratch on him! The
family album and a copy of War and
Peace kept the bookcase from
falling on him. I'm telling you,
dear, our little Liam is the
luckiest baby in the world!
DRAKE
That's... Great.
HOLLY
Bad day at work?
DRAKE
The darndest thing, honey... We've
got a man out at the clinic who
thinks that he's Liam.
HOLLY
Our Liam?
DRAKE
He says he's a time traveler from
2001.
Young Stacy runs over to him.
YOUNG STACY
Daddy, you're always saying that we
should give people the benefit of
the dirt!
DRAKE
It's "doubt", Stacy... He said
that Cher will win an Oscar.
YOUNG STACY
Nevermind. He's CRAZY!
HOLLY
So, why is this bothering you so
much?
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY - 2001
As before. Everyone is looking at the newcomer at the door.
MAN
Don't get me wrong, the real Liam
Smith perished on that day 22 years
ago, but a version of Liam lived...
INT. THE DANIEL'S HOME - 1979
DRAKE
There was just something about
him... Something that made me want
to trust him. And he had a
warning...
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY - 2001
MAN
He lived through the eighties and
the nineties passing through life
unnoticed...
INT. THE DANIEL'S HOME - 1979
DRAKE
He said we should watch out for
assassins.
HOLLY
Assassins?
YOUNG STACY
What's an assassin?
DRAKE
Hired killers, sweetie.
YOUNG STACY
Oh, you mean like those guys in
black waiting outside in the
bushes?
Holly and Drake jump up and look.
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY - 2001
STACY
How do you know this?
The man steps into the room and we see that he is an OLD LIAM
with all the signs that he is in his forties. He also has a
straggly beard and is dressed in tattered clothing.
OLD LIAM
I have it on good authority,
Professor.
INT. THE DRAKE HOUSE - 1979
Bullets begin to rip through the home as Holly grabs Young
Stacy and heads for cover. Drake grabs Liam and runs for it.
EXT. THE DRAKE HOUSE
The assassins dressed in black are shooting up the house.
The camera pans over to reveal SATAN.
SATAN
Keep firing, minions I want that
child destroyed!
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY
Old Liam walks over and throws his arms around Professor
Arturo who is a little confused.
ARTURO
You mean to tell me that you're my
Liam?
OLD LIAM
From your timeline, yes.
ARTURO
What happened to you?
OLD LIAM
Two decades happened to me and the
fact that I couldn't stop the
forces of darkness from killing my
younger self. I wanted to learn
all about my past and, in doing
so...
INT. THE DANIEL'S HOME - 1979
Bullets continue to rip through the house as the parents
hunker down in a closet.
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY - 2001
OLD LIAM
In doing so, I've done nothing but
destroy the future.
Liam looks at everyone in the room. Shame washes over his
face.
STACY
Liam? Is that really you?
Stacy walks over and takes a good look at Liam's face,
placing her hands on each side of his head and slowly
embracing him in a hug.
ARTURO
Rest, my boy... Rest for now. You
may have lost your future once, but
by God... We're going to take it
back.
FADE OUT:
...TO BE CONTINUED