INT. THE GERALD R. FORD CLINIC FOR THE MENTALLY RETARDED -
1979
DRAKE DANIELS enters LIAM'S cell. It looks like the doctor
hasn't slept for a week. His hair is messed up, his clothes
are wrinkled, and there are large bags under his eyes.
LIAM
Wow, dad... I mean, doctor.
Where've you been the last couple
of days?
DRAKE
I want you to play level with me.
LIAM
Level? What is that? Is that like
Jenga? Perhaps we could play Jenga
while drinking Snapple?
DRAKE
Jenga? Snapple? More of those
nonsense words you keep throwing
around!
(a beat)
Liam, or whatever the hell your
name is... I want you to be frank.
LIAM
All right, but I've gotten so used
to calling myself 'Liam'.
Drake buries his head in his hands. He can't believe that
he's talking to someone so stupid.
LIAM
I get it! You want me to show you
my famous Sinatra impression!
(singing)
A FOGGY DAY... IIIIIINNNNNN LONDON
TOWWWWWWWWWN!
DRAKE
(snaps)
DAMMIT, LISTEN TO ME YOU
INCOMPETENT MORON! TELL ME
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT THE
ASSASSINS!
LIAM
Oh, well... Why didn't you just
come out and say that? I mean, all
this techno-psychobabble and
psychopathic double talk you keep
throwing around gets me all
confused and...
DRAKE
TALK!
LIAM
GAH! All right, you want to know
everything I know about the
assassins?
DRAKE
YES!
LIAM
All right...
(a blank look)
They... Assassinate people.
DRAKE
And?
LIAM
And it's almost always against the
law.
DRAKE
I need details, Liam.
LIAM
Er... I'm not exactly sure you want
to know this, but...
DRAKE
What? What?
LIAM
That's all I know.
DRAKE
WHAT!?
LIAM
All I got from Mom in the future
was that you guys were hunted by
assassins until you gave me up to
the orphanage!
Drake picks up Liam by the collar.
DRAKE
Listen to me, you stupid, crazy,
retarded, half-witted, dickhead...
LIAM
Language!
DRAKE
SHUT UP!
LIAM
Eep.
DRAKE
My family and I have been staying
in motels all over the state for
the last week trying to stay ahead
of these psychos who are trying to
kill us. I came back here on the
off chance that YOU might know who
they are and, despite the fact that
you DID warn me ahead of time that
these... assassins were coming, NOW
you can't tell me anything about
them?
LIAM
I don't KNOW anything about them!
I just know that they came after us
and...
Drake slams Liam up against the padded wall of the cell.
DRAKE
There IS no US! There is MY
family... MY life and then there's
YOU! Locked up in this cell for
the rest of your life, you psycho!
Drake lets go and Liam drops to the floor.
DRAKE
The funny thing is... I almost
considered the possibility that you
are my son from the future and that
makes me think I'm almost as crazy
as YOU are.
He starts to the door.
DRAKE
You're not my son and nothing will
ever convince me otherwise.
Liam is sitting on the floor and looks completely
crestfallen. As Drake opens the door to go, Liam begins to
sadly hum a song... It's the Oscar Meyer Weiner song. Drake
stops in the open doorway and listens for a second. A
thought comes to him and into the room he sings...
DRAKE
(sings)
My baby has a first name...
LIAM
(singing)
It's L-I-A-M.
Drake re-enters the room, shutting the door behind him. He
is obviously intrigued.
DRAKE
(sings)
My baby has a last name...
LIAM
(sings)
It's L-I-A-M.
Drake takes a breath in astonishment. Liam looks up at him
and smiles. Drake shakes his head in shock and then backs
out the door.
-------
THEME SEQUENCE (Parody of "Charlie's Angels")
Once upon a time, there were a lot of different weird people who led a lot of different weird
lives, but they all have one thing in common. They're strange, they all live in the same
apartments, and they all work for me.
And my name ain't Charlie.
(Cut to a dozen different actions scenes with Liam, Bippo, and Thad. They each do a karate
move and freeze as fire explodes in the background and the words "THE LIAM SMITH SHOW" come
up in "Charlie's Angels" style. In parentheses, OLE! pops up.)
-------
The Liam Smith Show is brought to you in stereo text and is similcast in HDTV (Hideously
Dumb Television)
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - 2001
In the bare apartment, ARTURO is taking readings with the
cronocorder as STACY, OLD LIAM, and MISTER HILTER look on.
ARTURO
I hope I'm doing this right.
OLD LIAM
Don't worry, professor, I have
nothing but confidence in you.
(a beat)
God, it's been another lifetime
since I was in this room.
MISTER HILTER
It was another lifetime, son.
OLD LIAM
You don't have to remind me, sir.
Arturo scans more of the room. Stacy walks over and looks
over his shoulder.
ARTURO
I... Don't mean to pry, my dear,
but the scar on your face... How
did?
STACY
I... It was a car accident when I
was young. Why? Is the Stacy of
your timeline not scarred like I
am?
ARTURO
No, she's not.
STACY
I guess I shouldn't be too
surprised.
ARTURO
Why is that?
OLD LIAM
Because it was a car accident that
killed the younger me, professor.
STACY
(crisp)
AND my father.
OLD LIAM
And... OUR father.
ARTURO
Explain.
OLD LIAM
Well, I had to surmise a lot of it
myself, after all... I wasn't
actually there... But my family was
on the run from someone... A lot of
someones... My father got into a
fight with someone in the car they
went off a cliff and the car
exploded... Stacy and our mother
got out while our father and my
younger self didn't.
The cronocorder begins to beep.
ARTURO
We've got a lock! There's a
degraded time tunnel to June 27th,
1979!
OLD LIAM
Yeah, that's the day I arrived in
the past.
The grinning Arturo turns to say something to him, but his
grin disappears and he snaps the cronocorder shut.
ARTURO
Why... The HELL didn't you tell me
before I spent the last hour
scanning this room?
OLD LIAM
You didn't ask.
ARTURO
You BLISTERING IDIOT!
OLD LIAM
I've missed that so much.
A door of light appears. TEMPUS and THAD step out.
THAD
Hey, hey professor A.
(sees Hilter)
GAH! IT'S THE GHOST OF MISTER
HILTER COME TO EXACT HIS REVENGE ON
ME!!! HAVE MERCY!!!
MISTER HILTER
What?
TEMPUS
Thad, get up and stop blubbering.
We're in an alternate timeline
where the... Ahem... Unforunateness
between you and Mister Hilter never
happened.
MISTER HILTER
Huh?
THAD
Oh, that's a relief. For a second
there, I thought he was going to
haunt me for eating him.
MISTER HILTER
Come again?
TEMPUS
Thad, maybe you should shut up.
MISTER HILTER
I think he should keep talking.
All this time, we've been trying to
help you restore a timeline we know
next to nothing about. What do you
mean I'm... Eaten in this alternate
reality?
ARTURO
Er, it's nothing. Nothing at all,
just a joke.
THAD
Yeah, and believe me... I really
wasn't myself when I tore you limb
from limb and devoured you.
ARTURO
Thad... SHUT UP!!!
MISTER HILTER
I think I've heard enough.
OLD LIAM
Mister Hilter, you don't know
what's at stake!
MISTER HILTER
You're right, I don't, and that's
precisely why you're not going
anywhere.
Mister Hilter takes out a large shotgun and trains it on the
gang.
MISTER HILTER
Stacy, honey, take their time
travel crap.
Stacy begins taking the professor's cronocorder and Tempus'
watch.
OLD LIAM
Stacy, don't do this.
STACY
Sorry, Liam... But who's to say
your timeline is any better than
this one?
INT. TEMPUS' PLACE
On the holographic display, STACY is watching everything
happen.
STACY
Tempus, do you need my help?
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
As before.
TEMPUS
No, you stay there.
(a beat)
No, trust me.
MISTER HILTER
Who are you talking to?
TEMPUS
A friend in a pocket of space-time
1/40th of a picosecond out of phase
with normal time.
Stacy and Hilter stare blankly.
MISTER HILTER
'Kay.
EXT. A ROAD - 1979
A lone car speeds down the darkened road as the full moon
shines overhead.
INT. THE CAR
DRAKE is driving. HOLLY is sitting up front as BABY LIAM and
YOUNG STACY sit in the back.
HOLLY
Where did you go earlier today?
DRAKE
No where. Just following a hunch.
HOLLY
It was that patient of yours,
wasn't it?
DRAKE
I don't want to talk about it.
HOLLY
He knew the assassins were coming,
Drake. He knew.
DRAKE
I'm not going to even entertain the
notion anymore, Holly. I'm just
going to keep driving until we get
to Mexico.
HOLLY
And then what? Uproot and keep
driving every time we see someone
prowling around in the bushes?
That's not the life I want for
myself and that definitely not the
life I want for my children.
DRAKE
Then what do you suggest? We've
been to the police and they
couldn't do a thing! I swear, that
officer Piggy reeked of ketchup and
maple syrup anyway. What good is
he or anyone else going to do?
HOLLY
I'm not talking about the police,
Drake.
Drake looks at her in a mixture of disbelief and disgust.
DRAKE
You mean that crazy asshole?
YOUNG STACY
(teasing)
Daddy said a bad word!
HOLLY
Why not?
DRAKE
Why not? I could spend hours
telling you 'why not'!
Holly gives him a disapproving look.
DRAKE
Don't give me that disapproving
look. Baby, there's no such thing
as time travel, killer clowns, or
the devil. I believe in science I
believe in...
HOLLY
You believe in a better world for
your children, Drake, and running
isn't it. If there's a chance you
can stop whoever or whatever this
is - even if it means believing the
psychotic ramblings of some patient
in your care - I think that's
something you should do.
Drake looks at her, then back at his children in the
backseat. He looks down the road and knows that he's been
beaten.
DRAKE
I know I'm going to regret this.
EXT. A ROAD
The car crosses the median making a U-turn and heads back to
Las Vegas.
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY - 2001
Arturo, Tempus, and Thad are in the middle of the room
surrounded by Stacy, Hilter, Gary, Elvis, Doris, Chocolate
Treat, Bippo, and Thad (hereon called Alt-Thad)
ALT-THAD
(regarding Thad)
Well, he sort of looks like me if
were fifteen years younger, but
I...
THAD
Ten years.
ALT-THAD
What?
THAD
I'm ten years younger.
TEMPUS
Thad, you've all ready mucked
things up enough by revealing too
much about ourselves. Can't you
just shut the hell up now?
MISTER HILTER
I've all ready told you, future
boy, you tell me everything about
this alternate timeline you're
trying to save. We already know
that I'm eighty-sixed in it, but
what about everyone else?
ARTURO
You can't ask us to judge one time
against another, my dear sir! The
fact is, our timeline was here
first!
MISTER HILTER
Not from where we're sitting.
STACY
What happens to us if you go back
to the past and 'correct things'?
Do we just vanish like we never
existed?
TEMPUS
No, don't be silly. Time is a
little more fluid than that.
You'll become a part of hypertime.
ELVIS
And what does that mean?
TEMPUS
Well, you'll become part of the
endless offshoots of the river of
time. For example, let's say that
I decided to have bacon for
breakfast today... Well, there are
millions of offshoot timelines that
occur where I chose to have cereal,
or waffles, or pancakes, or even
nothing at all! What if I decide
to have hash browns on the side
instead of links or a glass of
Orange juice instead of milk? WHat
if I think the prize in the box of
Frosted Flakes is better than the
prize in the box of Crunch Berries?
What if I want some of those yummy
corn dog things that are made out
of blueberry pancakes and sausage
instead of batter and franks?
Well, to make a long story short...
EVERYONE
Too late.
TEMPUS
Quadrillions upon quadrillions of
alternate timelines are created
every nanosecond from the endless
decisions we make everyday. Us
going to the past to correct a
mistake has nothing to do with
wiping out your timeline, but it
has everything to do with getting
ourselves home.
DORIS
How can we trust you?
TEMPUS
Well, I would say you could ask the
professor since he's been traveling
through these alternate universes
for the past four years, but since
that's an option I'm sure you're
not going to go for, all I can say
is... Stacy, NOW!
STACY
What?
ZOOP! Tempus' watch leaps out of Mister Hilter's hands and
the timesuit envelopes Tempus.
ARTURO
What the devil!?
OLD LIAM
Don't ask questions, professor!
Run like HELL!
MISTER HILTER
DON'T LET THEM GET AWAY!
BIPPO
At last, my time has come.
Bippo leaps out in front of Old Liam and the professor and
takes out a pair of hatchets.
BIPPO
I saw this once on Johnny Carson
and it was hysterical Don't...
Move!
Bippo throws the hatchets and they bury themselves in the
wall between Old Liam and the professor's legs.
OLD LIAM
GAH!
ARTURO
Mama!
DORIS
Good shot.
BIPPO
(disappointed)
Yeah, but I was aiming for their
heads.
Old Liam leaps from the wall and grabs Thad.
OLD LIAM
EVERYBODY GET BACK! I've got a
werewolf and I'm not afraid to use
it! I'M A MAN ON THE EDGE!
THAD
Uh, Liam? I'm over here. You've
got the other me.
ALT-THAD
Grarrrrrrr...
OLD LIAM
Oh, monkey bits!
Alt-Thad changes into the werewolf and is about to eat Old
Liam when Thad leaps into the picture and, transforming into
the werewolf, knocks alt-werewolf off of him.
ALT-THAD/WEREWOLF
Grrrrr... SNAP! Grrrrr... ARF!
THAD/WEREWOLF
God, quite the conversationalist
aren't you?
(to Old Liam)
Did you see, Liam? Did you see me
zing the alternate killer werewolf
me?
OLD LIAM
Uh, Thad? Eyes front.
KER-WHAM!!! Alt-Thad/Werewolf knocks the hell out of
Thad/Werewolf sending him tumbling into Bippo and Chocolate
Treat who were threatening the professor.
ARTURO
All this time, we thought that Thad
gained an advantage by keeping his
mind while in werewolf form. How
wrong we were.
The Alt-Thad/Werewolf leaps at the professor, but is stopped
in midair by a forcefield. The camera pans over to reveal
Tempus in his timesuit.
TEMPUS
Relax, wolf-boy. I think reverting
you to a non shaggy state would be
the best for all concerned.
Tempus shots alt-Thad/Werewolf with a beam, turning him back
into alt-Thad.
OLD LIAM
What'd you do to him?
TEMPUS
I regressed his body to ten minutes
ago. He should be thankful. I
could have made him go through
puberty in reverse.
All the men in the room shutter.
TEMPUS
Now, let's get out of here.
MISTER HILTER
NO! We can't let them get away!
THAD/WEREWOLF
Yeah, let's get out of here before
they call Capeman or something!
Tempus opens the light door and everyone goes inside. Tempus
remains.
TEMPUS
I was telling the truth when I said
your universe would be unaffected,
Mister Hilter. Peace and long
life.
BIPPO
And live long and prosper to you
too, ya freak job.
Tempus reacts in confusion and leaps into the doorway.
STACY
One question.
GARY
ONE question?
STACY
Who the hell is Capeman?
Everyone looks at each other and shrugs.
DORIS
Better question. Where'd Thad go?
ELVIS
Chocolate Treat dragged his naked
body back to her place.
MISTER HILTER
I'm gonna miss that boy.
INT. TEMPUS' PLACE
Tempus, Arturo, Old Liam, and Thad enter the control area
where Stacy is at the holographic display.
TEMPUS
Good job, Stacy.
THAD
"Good job Stacy?" I was the one
who took out two of our
attackers... I think.
TEMPUS
Stacy was in constant contact with
me via a communicator I have
implanted in my inner ear. She
learned the controls to the
timesuit and activated it by remote
control.
STACY
Well, don't gush too much. These
controls are so simple, a child
could use them.
TEMPUS
(smirk)
Children do.
(to others)
All right, I've got enough power to
send three people to 1979 and it's
not a sure shot either, we may
arrive anywhere from a year before
or after Liam arrived... If we
arrive at all. Liam, you have to
come but I can't ask any of you to
come with me, but if you want to
volunteer...
ARTURO
I'll go.
STACY
No, I will.
ARTURO
Stacy...
STACY
Don't try to protect me, professor,
this is my family we're talking
about and I'm through sitting on
the sidelines.
Tempus nods to her. He's obviously grown a new respect for
her.
TEMPUS
Professor, Thad... If we're not
back in exactly one second, there's
a spare timesuit in the storeroom.
It's not charged and I'm not sure
if it'll accept 21st century energy
like my S.U.I.T. does, but if you
can find a way...
ARTURO
We'll come after you.
TEMPUS
Forget us. Fix the timeline no
matter what, understood?
ARTURO
Understood.
Tempus gathers Old Liam and Stacy around him.
TEMPUS
See you in a second.
THAD
Ah... AHHHHHHHHH....
There is a bright flash and we are instantly taken to:
EXT. THE GERALD R. FORD CLINIC FOR THE MENTALLY RETARDED -
1979
Holly, Young Stacy, and Baby Liam are sitting in the car out
front.
INT. THE GERALD R. FORD CLINIC FOR THE MENTALLY RETARDED
Drake Daniels and Liam are walking down the hall.
LIAM
Well, thanks for springing me,
pops. Those padded cells are
awfully irritating to my allergies.
No, give me a hypo-allerginic
plastic sealed mattress anyday.
DRAKE
Shut up, Liam or whatever the hell
your name is. I'm getting you out
of here so you can help me and my
family.
LIAM
Oh, hey... I'm at your service.
Anything to get out of this place.
INT. THE CAR
Holly and the kids are sitting quietly when, all of the
sudden, a man in black appears and breaks through the window
with his fist. He grabs Holly and slams her head against the
steering wheel knocking her unconscious. He shoves her body
into the passenger seat and takes the driver's position. He
turns to face the children, removing his sunglasses revealing
a pair of blood red eyes.
INCUBUS
Hi kids, name's Incubus. How ya
doin'?
Young Stacy shrinks into the floorboard.
INCUBUS
Aw, don't be scared little girl.
You might actually live through
this, but as for this crying poop
machine here... Well, I've got
orders to exterminate him from a
high position. Well, I guess I
should say a low position if you
catch my drift.
(an evil smile)
What's say we go for a little ride?
Incubus puts the car in drive and begins to drive off.
EXT. THE GERALD R. FORD CLINIC FOR THE MENTALLY RETARDED
Liam and Drake are exiting the building.
DRAKE
...and for the last time, STOP
calling me dad!
LIAM
But, what about...?
DRAKE
And that includes "pop", "daddy",
"father", and...
LIAM
Actually, I was going to ask about
that guy driving away with your
car.
DRAKE
What?
Drake sees the car driving out of the parking lot.
DRAKE
HEY!
Drake takes off after the car.
INT. THE CAR
Incubus is driving and laughing at Drake who is running after
him. He then looks ahead and sees something that concerns
him.
EXT. THE PARKING LOT
Old Liam, Stacy, and Tempus are standing in front of the car.
TEMPUS
It's not going to stop.
OLD LIAM
It'll stop!
TEMPUS
It's not going to stop, Liam!
OLD LIAM
It'll stop!
INT. THE CAR
Incubus smirks and steps on the gas.
EXT. THE PARKING LOT
TEMPUS & STACY
He's not going to stop!
OLD LIAM
All right, you convinced me!
They leap out of the way as the car barrels through. Tempus
rolls and then leaps to his feet.
TEMPUS
S.U.I.T., Give me a level ten
capture beam.
S.U.I.T.
Unable to comply. Power levels are
too low and I'm feeling depressed.
I got the blues so bad.
They watch the car peel away as Liam and Drake catch up.
DRAKE
What's going on! Who are you
people!?
Stacy recognizes Drake, but doesn't say anything.
LIAM
GUYS!
TEMPUS
Liam!
LIAM
Dad... I mean, Drake, these are my
friends from the future! This is
Tempus, Stacy, and...
(re: Older Liam)
...some old smelly guy.
(to Tempus)
Where'd you dig this looser up
from?
TEMPUS
Uh...
DRAKE
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Stacy? You
mean my Stacy all grown up? Bull.
STACY
What's a matter, Doctor Daniels?
Still not giving people the benefit
of the 'dirt'?
Drake looks at her in amazement.
OLD LIAM
We don't have a lot of time!
Whoever that was that just took my
family is going to drive them off a
cliff in less than ten minutes.
STACY
But in the alternate timeline, it
was Drake who was in the car.
TEMPUS
Could it be that all ready, we're
making changes in the timeline?
OLD LIAM
No, this is almost exactly as I
remember it with the exception of
you guys being here.
(to Drake)
Dad, there's a car in parking spot
11-B that still has the keys in the
ignition. Go get it and don't ask
questions.
Drake nods and takes off.
LIAM
You guys came after me? That's so
sweet.
TEMPUS
We came after you because you're an
ignorant dickhead and you messed up
the timeline!
LIAM
Still, it's sweet of you. Who's
the old smelly dude?
OLD LIAM
I'm you, twenty years in the
future.
A beat.
LIAM
No, I'm me twenty years in the
future.
OLD LIAM
You don't understand, I had to live
the last twenty years from 1979 to
2001.
LIAM
So did I. That would mean I'm me
from twenty years in the future.
OLD LIAM
But I'm you too from twenty years
in the future.
LIAM
But you're at least forty, so that
would make you forty years in the
future.
OLD LIAM
You don't understand, I lived
through the eighties twice.
LIAM
Twice?
OLD LIAM
In destitution.
LIAM
But why didn't you invest in
Microsoft or Casio or Pfiser?
You could have made billions!
OLD LIAM
Because I...
(a beat, it's obvious that
Old Liam never thought of
doing that)
Shut up!
STACY
Well, this is a first... Liam's own
stupidity driving himself crazy.
Drake pulls up in a 1969 Mustang.
LIAM
WHOA! Now THAT's what I'm talking
about!
DRAKE
Get in!
Everyone piles into the car and they drive off.
INT. THE MUSTANG
Everyone is crammed in the car. Old Liam and Drake sit up
front.
OLD LIAM
Turn left here and step on it.
They're heading for the cliff near
the Baker bridge. He's going to
send the car over and make it look
like an accident.
DRAKE
How do you know this? Are you from
the future too?
OLD LIAM
Yeah, I was here twenty years ago
and failed you. I'm not going to
do that again.
STACY
So you're saying you have a plan?
OLD LIAM
Seeing this night over and over
again every time I shut my eyes?
Spending the last twenty years
thinking about what I could have
and should have done?
(a smirk)
Of course I have a plan.
TEMPUS
Wow, Liam... Old you is a lot
cooler than the you-you.
LIAM
(pouts)
He's not that cool.
EXT. THE ROAD
The mustang zooms down the road.
INT. THE MUSTANG
Through the windshield, we see the lights of a car ahead.
OLD LIAM
There he is.
DRAKE
S-So what happened the last time
you did this?
OLD LIAM
You gave me the wheel and you
jumped to the other car. You and
the driver fought but car trouble
prevented me from coming to your
aid. When I got to the cliff, the
car had gone over.
STACY
What can we do then?
OLD LIAM
We've only got a minute or two
until the car breaks down. Liam,
dad, and I will jump on the car and
the three of us will incapacitate
the driver.
STACY
That's crazy!
The car begins to make knocking noises.
OLD LIAM
Maybe, Stacy, but it's not open for
debate!
INT. THE CAR
Incubus is driving looking quite pleased with himself when a
Mustang pulls up next to him. Liam, Old Liam, and Drake
preparing to leap out.
INCUBUS
Hey, nice car! That got all it's
original parts? What about the
paint job, is it...? Wait a
minute, what are you guys doing?
That looks dangerous!
EXT. THE ROAD
The two cars are zooming down the road. Old Liam, Liam, and
Drake jump onto the Daniel's car. Liam slips, but Drake
catches him pulling him back onto the car. Drake slips into
the cab.
INT. THE CAR
Incubus is swerving back and forth trying to loose his
uninvited passengers when Drake's foot lashes across his
face.
DRAKE
(sees Holly)
Did you hit my wife?
POW! Drake punches Incubus in the face.
INT. THE MUSTANG
Stacy is driving.
TEMPUS
Try to keep up, Stacy! I could get
out and run faster than this!
The engine dies.
STACY
Then don't let me stop you.
TEMPUS
I guess it's all up to them.
STACY
(sighs)
Good luck Liam...
(beat)
Good luck, dad.
EXT. THE CAR
The vehicle zooms madly down the road as both Liams hang on.
LIAM
GAH! WHAT DO WE DO!? WHAT DO WE
DO!?
OLD LIAM
Let's try putting that uncanny luck
of ours to the test, boy!
INT. THE CAR
Incubus and Drake are fighting, but Incubus is getting the
upper hand. He mercilessly pounds Drake in the face until
the doctor is almost unconscious. Incubus looks forward and
smiles. The cliff is quickly approaching.
EXT. THE CAR
LIAM
What do you mean, use my luck?
OLD LIAM
I mean use your luck! Let's try to
do something stupid and let that
luck kick in and save the day!
LIAM
Hey, you're right! That usually
does happen.
Liam stands on top of the car.
LIAM
I will succeed!
OLD LIAM
GET DOWN, YOU BRAINLESS MANIAC!
A bump. Liam falls.
INT. THE CAR
Incubus is about to stab Daniels with a knife when all of the
sudden...
INCUBUS
What the...!? NOOOO!!!
Liam's butt crashes through the glass, smashing Incubus' head
against the seat.
LIAM
GAH! WHAT'S GOING ON!?
EXT. THE CLIFF
The car veers away from the cliff and hits a tree. Liam and
Old Liam are thrown into a pile of compost. Both of them lie
on their backs facing the sky.
OLD LIAM
That's the way to use your... Uh...
Head, Liam.
LIAM
I guess you could say the bad guy
got it in the 'end', huh?
OLD LIAM
Yeah.
LIAM
I guess things came to a bad 'end'
for him, right?
OLD LIAM
That's right.
LIAM
He'll be the 'butt' of people's
jokes for a while.
OLD LIAM
Shut up, Liam.
LIAM
Okay. I wouldn't want to make an
ass of myself. Speaking of ass,
what's that smell?
OLD LIAM
Compost, I imagine. Friends of the
Environment set it up.
LIAM
Should I bother asking what compost
is?
OLD LIAM
It's soft, Liam. Let's just leave
it at that.
They get up and run to the car when all of the sudden, POW!
Incubus knocks both of them in the head with a log. They
both fall to the ground.
LIAM
Ow!
INCUBUS
You FOOLS! You're dealing with an
order from the dark one, here!
OLD LIAM
Satan?
INCUBUS
No, Flip Wilson... OF COURSE SATAN!
LIAM
Why does Satan want to kill a baby
for?
INCUBUS
Don't ask me, kid, it all has
something to do with destiny or
some divine garbage. That's why
we've all been sent out to see that
little baby dies... Speaking of
"die", guess who's about to?
Incubus prepares to stab them both with a knife when,
suddenly, car lights shine at him.
OLD LIAM
Run, kid.
Liam and Old Liam run as the Mustang zooms into the picture
and runs down Incubus turning him into a quivering pile of
flesh.
INCUBUS
OUCH!
LIAM
Stacy! Tempus!
OLD LIAM
How the hell did you get here?
TEMPUS
Stacy's quite a wiz with cars.
STACY
Truthfully, it was just a loose
hose.
LIAM
Did you realize that the two of you
just said "wiz" and "hose"?
OLD LIAM
Liam, you and Stacy go check with
the family and make sure they're
okay.
Stacy and Liam run to the car. Tempus and Old Liam stand
over Incubus Drake limps over and joins them.
OLD LIAM
(to Drake)
You all right?
DRAKE
Don't worry about me.
INCUBUS
(dying)
You think you've won? We'll just
come after him again and again and
again until the deed's done and
there's NOTHING you can... Do about
it.
Incubus dies. Old Liam, Drake, and Tempus look at each
other.
OLD LIAM
He's right, you know. Somehow, for
some reason, Satan has it in for me
during this period. They'll never
be safe now.
(a pause)
Unless...
TEMPUS
Unless, what?
OLD LIAM
Unless they have nothing to look
for.
TEMPUS
Explain.
OLD LIAM
Tempus, can I ask you a question?
TEMPUS
You just did, but I'll give you
another one.
OLD LIAM
When I accidently caused the death
of myself the first time around,
why didn't I vanish when the
timeline changed.
TEMPUS
Well, Liam, it's one of those
instances where, if you did vanish,
it would have led to a paradox
where you would have never existed
to cause your death in the first
place. The short answer is that
the alternate timeline needed you
to exist so you became what we call
a "temporal orphan".
OLD LIAM
Back when I was in the orphanage,
when I was depressed, this old nun
named Sister Brothers would tell me
that everyone is here for a
purpose. Well, there's two of me
now and that means that one of us
is superfluous and that Liam...
They look over to Liam and Stacy. They're helping the
Daniel's out of the car. All of them are safe.
OLD LIAM
...he's Got his whole life ahead of
him.
TEMPUS
Liam, I see where this is going and
I don't like it. You DO know what
you're suggesting, don't you?
OLD LIAM
Do you see any other way?
DRAKE
(weakly)
Excuse me, but what's going on?
What are you planning?
OLD LIAM
If Satan's minions find DNA in the
wreck that matches the DNA they've
undoubtedly got, they won't have a
reason to search anymore.
DRAKE
Are you suggesting that you're
going to get in that car and...
OLD LIAM
I have to, dad.
Stacy runs over to them.
STACY
They're fine, but Mom looks like
she's got a nasty bump. Come on,
we're going to take them to the
hospital.
Old Liam is silent.
OLD LIAM
You go. Take Dad too.
DRAKE
No. Tempus, thanks for all your
help, but I think... I think I'm
going to stay with my son.
Tempus nods sadly.
TEMPUS
I... Understand.
Tempus takes Stacy by the arm, and escorts her back to the
car.
OLD LIAM
Dad, I...
DRAKE
I'm dying, Liam.
OLD LIAM
(beat)
What?
DRAKE
I'm a doctor, I can recognize
internal bleeding. I'll never make
it to the hospital. Hell, I can
barely stand now.
OLD LIAM
Dad, I...
DRAKE
Don't argue with me, it'll be more
convincing if they find me in there
too.
Old Liam begins to protest.
DRAKE
I wasn't there to see you grow up,
Liam. Let me be here for you now.
Think of it as my dying wish.
Stacy and Liam walk over.
LIAM
Dad, what's going on?
DRAKE
We... Just need to take care of
some things. We'll join you later.
LIAM
Okay...
DRAKE
Before you go, I just wanted to say
how glad I am to have met you.
You've made your old man proud,
son.
(looks at Stacy)
Both of you have.
Drake hugs them both.
DRAKE
I love you both very much.
LIAM
We... Love you too, dad.
DRAKE
Now go, get help for your mother.
Liam and Stacy look at them curiously and then go back to the
awaiting Mustang. Tempus waves to them as they drive off.
DRAKE
Are you ready?
OLD LIAM
Yeah. Let's do this.
INT. THE CAR
Old Liam and Drake get into the car and, amazingly, it
starts.
DRAKE
That damned luck of yours.
OLD LIAM
It's an amazing thing, isn't it?
Liam holds his hand up and Drake takes it.
DRAKE
See you on the other side, kiddo.
Old Liam steps on the gas and the car heads for the cliff.
FADE TO:
EXT. GRANNY GOODNESS ORPHANAGE
Holly and Stacy exit the building towards a waiting car.
YOUNG STACY
But, why did we leave the baby in
there? Aren't we going to go back
and get him?
HOLLY
Stacy, sweetie, you're mistaken...
There wasn't a baby in this family.
For his sake and ours, there was
never a baby in this family.
YOUNG STACY
I don't understand.
HOLLY
I know, baby, and I hope you never
do.
They drive off.
INT. HELL
SATAN is sitting on his throne when a demon appears with a
clipboard.
DEMON
Here is the report you requested,
master. We lost Incubus, but the
DNA left over from the ambulance
clean up was a perfect match to the
child you wished destroyed.
SATAN
The body?
DEMON
Consumed by fire. There was
nothing left. Does that please
you, master?
Satan sits back on his throne.
SATAN
It is adequate. I would have
preferred a body, but your evidence
is more than convincing. Watch the
surviving family and we'll just see
if that cursed brat shows up again.
INT. TEMPUS' PLACE - 2001
Thad and Arturo are there as Liam, Stacy, and Tempus appear
in a flash.
THAD
CHOO!!!
LIAM
Bless you.
ARTURO
When you said "be back in a second"
I didn't think you meant that
literally!
STACY
What?
ARTURO
You just left!
(sees Liam)
Liam, my boy! You're back!
Liam spins around trying to see his back.
LIAM
What about it?
THAD
Yep, it's Liam all right. So, is
everything back to normal? Where's
the other Liam?
TEMPUS
He... He's gone.
STACY
What do you mean, "we're back"?
We've been gone for three weeks
trying to recharge Tempus' timesuit
to the point it'd bring us all back
here!
ARTURO
Let's just not try to figure it
out, child, I have enough of a
headache as it is.
Tempus walks over and checks the holographic display.
TEMPUS
Cronoton readings normal, timeline
is stable, and all markers are
fixed. We're back in our old
timeline.
LIAM
A world where I live in and love
Las Vegas, but from the comfort of
my own apartment.
ARTURO
Ah, a world where I rule the world
of Upda Creek with an iron fist.
THAD
A world where I'm still young and
in control!
STACY
(sadly)
And a world where Drake abandoned
us anyway.
(beat)
It's funny, I thought that meeting
him in the past would help me sort
out my problems with him, but it's
only made me hate him that much
more... He didn't even come to
check on us in the hospital.
Tempus glares at Stacy.
TEMPUS
(emotionless)
Yeah, the guy was a real jerk.
Tempus exits leaving Stacy and Liam confused at his words as
we...
FADE OUT:
THE END