EXT. THE NORTH POLE
There, out in the middle of the frozen wasteland atop the
Earth, is Santa's workshop. A penguin waddles by and is
immediately eaten by a Polar Bear... He is, in turn, eaten by
a Killer Whale breaking through the ice.
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP
SANTA CLAUS is walking along inspecting the toys that his
elves are creating as the elves sing to themselves.
ELVES
(singing)
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes
Santa Claus right down Santa Claus
lane...
SANTA
Ho, ho, ho! Well done! These
Nintendo Gamecubes will insure that
there never will be another video
game system shortage ever!
Suddenly, a bomb crashes through the window and lands in the
bin of Gamecubes. The HEAD ELF yells from a catwalk.
HEAD ELF
BOMB! BOMB!
The elves begin to run.
ELVES
(singing frantically)
There goes my bladder, there goes
my bladder, running down my leg!
HEAD ELF
No, you IDIOTS! Don't run like
cowards! SAVE THE GAMECUBES!!!
The elves run back to the bins and, as soon as they get the
hands on the Gamecubes, the bomb explodes.
EXT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP
A large portion of the workshop goes up in a great fireball.
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP
Santa and the Head Elf come out of an emergency bunker. Elf
parts are everywhere.
HEAD ELF
DAMN!
SANTA
My goodness! What a tragedy
HEAD ELF
Yeah, those slackers didn't save a
single Gamecube! Well, Santa, it
looks like a deranged no-good
bastard is out to whack you, again.
SANTA
Indeed. Every few years a bad
little boy or girl looses it and
tries to take out Santa, but I
wonder who it could be this time?
INT. HELL
SATAN is sitting on his throne when SCRAPPY DOO comes in.
SATAN
Is it done?
SCRAPPY
Uh, no... Santa lived. However, we
did manage to SPLAT his workshop!
SATAN
You FOOL! Santa has workshops in
Tokyo, Singapore, Bangkok, London,
and Los Angeles! We can't destroy
all of them before...
(silently, points upwards)
...you-know-who...
(normally)
...becomes involved! Santa might
be annoying, bastardly, and fat,
but is IS a saint and...
(silently, points upwards)
...you-know-who...
(normally)
...takes care of his saints.
SCRAPPY
Well, then, why don't we just hire
the job done?
SATAN
Hire? By whom?
SCRAPPY
Oh, I have connections, Master.
EXT. THE NORTH POLE - NIGHT
A long black car drives by with bright headlight illuminating
the frozen land. The car stops and the camera zeros in on
the ground under the door. What looks like a giant snowball
falls on the ground and begins to move across the snow and
ice. The camera pulls back to reveal that we're looking at a
living snowman. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN, to be exact, with his
hench-snowmen, ICY THE SNOWMAN, BLIZZARD THE SNOWMAN,
FROSTBITE THE SNOWMAN, and female, HYPOTHERMIA THE SNOWWOMAN.
In the darkness, there is suddenly a red and orange glow as a
wall of hellfire appears. The snowmen step back a little
from the heat as SATAN and SCRAPPY appear.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
You must be Satan.
SATAN
It was the hellfire, wasn't it?
That's always a dead giveaway!
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Yous the one who wants us to whack
Santa. Easily done, but I must ask
yous why yous want the jolly fat
man to sleep wit' da fishes?
SATAN
Every year, Santa delivers me a
chunk of coal...
HYPOTHERMIA THE SNOWWOMAN
Well, yous ARE Satan.
SATAN
Two years ago, I tried to destroy
him but was thwarted. In the years
since then, he's stopped giving me
coal.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Wells, dat would be a good 'ting,
right?
SATAN
He just started defecating down my
chimney.
SNOWMEN
Yeeeeech!
SCRAPPY
Sure, in Hell it's a little hard to
notice things like that, what with
all the poop that's already down
there, but we were roasting
chestnuts over the fire at the
time...
SATAN
No, Scrappy, those were Timothy
McVeigh's nuts.
SCRAPPY
So THAT'S why they weren't crunchy!
SATAN
(to snowmen)
You know the price I've put on
Santa's head and you know I can
deliver it. Do not question me, or
I will revoke it.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Hey, we's not that crazy, Mister
Satan... We'll do whatcha's want.
SATAN
Good, now deliver the head of Kris
Kringle to me before midnight of
Christmas Eve or you will feel the
heat... If you catch my drift.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
We's gotcha boss.
Satan and Scrappy disappear in a wave of hellfire.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
What a dick.
Satan and Scrappy reappear.
SATAN
WHAT!?
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Nothing.
Satan and Scrappy disappear.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
C'mon, boys... We's got us a fat
boy to put on ice.
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT:
Theme Song (Sung to the theme of "You're a Mean One, Mister Grinch")
You're a mean one. Mister Satan.
You really entruely suck.
You're heart is like a rock and your breath is like the pox,
Mister Satan.
If I was to choose three words to describe you, they would be, and I quote...
Stink, Stank, Stunk!
You're a bastard, Mister Satan.
You smell just like a dump.
You take happiness in miserery and poke sinners in the rump,
Mister Satan.
Merry Christmas, you old evil decrepid f*cker. I hope you get... a case of public liiiiiice!
OLE!
Wit
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
and
Robert Floyd
as
Bippo the Clown
Alzo wit
Kris Kringle
as
"Santa Claus"
Vern Troyer
as
"The Head Elf"
and
Chris Tucker
as the voice of
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
Alzo Alzo Wit
David Peckinpah
as
"Satan Claus"
Scrappy Doo
and
Robert DeNiro
as the voice of
"Frosty the Snowman
This script is closed captioned for the hearing impaired.
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
ARTURO is hanging many different kinds of holiday decorations
as Bippo, Thad, and Liam follow him.
ARTURO
Quite a difficult holiday, this
Christmas has become.
LIAM
How so, professor?
ARTURO
Well, you three and myself
celebrate the Christian holiday of
Christmas while Gary, for example,
celebrates Chanukah and the birth
of Nichelle Nichols, Chocolate
Treat celebrates Kwanza, and others
prefer to celebrate the Winter
Solace.
BIPPO
Bah! Kwanza! Chanukah! What have
they got over good old Christmas?
Gary walks by.
GARY
Well, for one thing, we get gifts
every night for eight nights.
Gary exits.
BIPPO
...and what do I have to do to
celebrate Chanuka?
ARTURO
You have to be Jewish.
BIPPO
I'm there! Mazeltov!
(singing)
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel!
I made you out of clay!
(a beat)
Hey, you guys better get to the
mall and get me my Chanukah
presents!
THAD
Oh, come on! This Jewish thing
your going through is just a phase!
Like the time you became a
Scientologist, but they kicked you
out of when they realized you
didn't have any money!
BIPPO
(chuckles)
I still have Travolta's wallet.
Nevertheless, you WILL buy me my
Chanukah presents or you will
suffer the wrath of the Jewish
Gods!
A beat.
LIAM
Bippo, there's only one Jewish God.
BIPPO
Really? Then buy me presents or
you will suffer the wrath of my
JEWISH CHAINSAW!!!
CUT TO:
INT. A MALL
Arturo, Liam, and Thad are waiting in a checkout line with
bags full of presents for Bippo.
ARTURO
I can't believe we've been
terrorized into buying gifts for
Bippo on a holiday he doesn't even
celebrate!
THAD
Bippo and his damn phases. It's
childish!
LIAM
This from the man who went through
a bisexual phase?
THAD
COME ON! That was all of five
minutes!
ARTURO
The next thing you know, Bippo will
be demanding Kwanza presents!
THAD
I mean, who hasn't looked at Ricky
Martin shake his bon bon and not
been a little tempted?
LIAM
Professor, we've just got to put
our foot down, professor.
THAD
That tight perky little bon bon.
ARTURO
Sure, Liam. We put down our foot
and he lops it off with his pet
chainsaw and shoves it up our
asses.
THAD
Guys, can we find a newsstand? I
need a Playboy stat!
LIAM
Don't worry. As soon as Bippo
learns about circumcision, he'll
drop it like a Streisand album.
There is a tug on Liam's pants leg. Liam looks down and sees
THE HEAD ELF.
HEAD ELF
Hey, bub. You're Liam Smith,
right?
LIAM
That's right, little boy! And what
do YOU want for Christmas?
HEAD ELF
I'm not a little boy, dipstick.
I'm the head of Santacorp.
LIAM
Would you like a wolly-pop?
HEAD ELF
Would you like a sock in the jaw?
The big guy sent me.
Liam and Thad look at the professor.
HEAD ELF
The OTHER big guy.
THAD
Rush Limbaugh?
LIAM
Marlon Brando?
ARTURO
Johnathan Frakes?
HEAD ELF
SANTA CLAUS!!!
LIAM
Oh, hey! Yeah, how is Santa
anyway?
ARTURO
Liam! What are you talking about?
LIAM
A couple of years back, I saved
Santa from the ATF.
HEAD ELF
Yeah, and now it looks like someone
looking to put Santa's nuts in a
vice again. Santa's always been
impressed by your innocence and
naivety.
ARTURO
You mean what we in the real world
call "stupidity"?
HEAD ELF
We don't have a lot of time. Santa
and all of Christmas need your
help. Will you save us again?
LIAM
I don't know. What in it for me?
HEAD ELF
A Nintendo Gamecube?
THAD
Make it three Gamecubes and a
Playboy and we're in.
ARTURO
We?
HEAD ELF
Done.
ARTURO
But...
HEAD ELF
Come on! And bring that wolly-pop
you promised!
The elf drags them out into the parking lot.
EXT. THE PARKING LOT
Santa's sleigh and eight reindeer are blocking traffic.
Several frustrated shoppers angrily blow their horns in anger
as RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER gives them the finger.
RUDOLPH
(shouting)
Oh, why don't you bite me where I
don't lick? One word from me and
you'll be getting a flaming bag of
dog crap for Christmas! Me and
S.C., we're like this!
Rudolph crosses his hooves.
LIAM
Hey, Rudy.
RUDOLPH
Liam, son! How are you! Can you
believe this sh(BLEEP!)t's going
down on the pole again?
LIAM
It's whack, yo.
They do a complicated handshake.
ARTURO
I'm in hell.
EXT. THE NORTH POLE
The sleigh flies towards Santa's workshop and lands on the
roof.
EXT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP'S ROOF
Arturo angrily gets out of the sleigh.
ARTURO
Do you have any IDEA what the wind
chill factor was in that blasted
sleigh? My FACE is FROZEN!
(a beat)
What are we doing on the roof?
RUDOLPH
Sorry, it's a habit. Get back in
and we'll land in the hangar.
Arturo takes a step and then crashes through the roof.
INT. SANTA'S BEDROOM
Arturo falls through the ceiling and lands in the bed.
ARTURO
That wasn't so bad.
Arturo rolls over and finds himself atop MRS. CLAUS.
ARTURO
GAH! I mean, hello. I'm sorry but
I seem to have made a wring turn.
Arturo tries to get up, but Mrs. Claus wraps her legs around
him.
ARTURO
Madame, kindly let me go.
MRS. CLAUS
Or what, my English knight?
ARTURO
English what? Let go of me, you
harlot!
SANTA busts in with LIAM and THAD.
SANTA
Mrs. Claus! Let him go this
instant!
MRS. CLAUS
Oh, poo.
Mrs. Clause releases him. Arturo scurries away.
SANTA
Sorry about that, professor. I'm
Santa Claus.
ARTURO
As my comrades would no doubt say,
'well, duh!'
SANTA
I'd like to thank you all for
coming on such short notice.
LIAM
For you, Santa? It was nothing.
Now, what's going on?
SANTA
It all began last night.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. SANTA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Santa is sleeping. He rolls over on one side and puts his
arm over a lump in the sheets.
SANTA
(playfully)
Oh, Mrs. Claus? Would you like a
visit from my yule log?
There is silence. Santa sit up.
SANTA
Mrs. Claus?
Silence. Santa yanks the sheets away revealing a severed
reindeer head.
SANTA
ARRRRRRRRRGH!!!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. SANTA'S BEDROOM
As before.
SANTA
It was a message from the North
Pole Snow-Mafia.
THAD
So you found Donner's severed head?
Most days I would consider that a
bonus.
Liam whispers something in Thad's ear.
THAD
Oh.
(a beat, disappointed)
Dammit.
ARTURO
What is this Snow-Mafia you speak
of?
SANTA
You ever hear of Frosty?
LIAM
The snowman?
SANTA
The hitman.
LIAM
Huh?
SANTA
Frosty the Hitman... The most
reviled assassin North of the
equator.
LIAM
You mean to tell me that the Frosty
we've all been singing about since
we were kids has been a cold
blooded killer the entire time?
SANTA
His PR man wrote the song in the
first place to soften his image.
Frosty thought that the song
sounded gay, so he softened the
songwriter with forty rounds of
ammunition.
LIAM
Yikes.
THAD
And this snow-mafia is after you?
SANTA
Someone's put a hit on old Santa.
According to the hit, I'm supposed
to be dead by midnight.
THAD
Bummer.
LIAM
Okay, I think have a plan. Bippo
loves flamethrowers. Can I use
your phone?
SANTA
I'll have the head elf bring it.
Santa walks over and hits an intercom button. There is no
answer.
SANTA
Bloody hell. Probably diddling
Mrs. Claus again.
Santa and the others exit.
INT. THE HEAD ELF'S OFFICE
The office is empty as Santa and the others enter.
SANTA
Where could he be?
Thad walks over to the desk and picks up a dead fish.
THAD
What's this?
SANTA
My GOD! It's a message!
LIAM
Looks like a Salmon to me.
SANTA
It means that the Head Elf sleeps
with the fishes.
LIAM
I hope he's wearing protection.
Those fish don't know where he's
been.
THAD
(holds up fish)
Well, no point in wasting this.
I'll go fire up the grill.
Thad exits.
SANTA
This is terrible! What am I going
to do? The Snow-Mafia won't rest
until I've been killed! I don't
know when they'll strike or where
they'll strike from!
Liam puts his hand on Santa's shoulder.
LIAM
There, there, there...
SANTA
I know you're trying to help.
LIAM
No, I mean... T-There-there-there
they are!
Santa and Arturo look up and see the Hypothermia, Icy,
Blizzard, Frostbite, and Frosty the Snowman all with their
weapons drawn.
ARTURO
GAH!
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Freeze, ya mugs or we'll ice ya!
SANTA
What do you want from me, Frosty?
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
I'm just doing a job, old man.
S'nothing personal.
Liam busts out laughing.
LIAM
Oh, I get it! Freeze or we'll ice
you! HA! That's pretty funny!
ARTURO
(ignoring Liam)
Who put you up to this?
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Let's just say that it was the
OTHER man in the red suit.
A beat.
LIAM
I'm going to need a little more of
a hint than that.
ARTURO
He means Satan, you ignoramus!
LIAM
What? Satan hired you to kill
Santa? I'm sure that's a surprise
to... Snow-one!
A beat.
LIAM
Get it? "Snow-one"? Get it? Huh?
Huh?
EVERYONE
WE GET IT!
SANTA
What could Satan possibly offer you
that I, Santa, couldn't?
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Simple, fat boy. Satan promised to
erupt Krakatoa and put so much ash
into the atmosphere that winter
wouldn't end for a year!
ARTURO
Like the year without summer in
1814?
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Oh, I liked it very much! Almost
as much as I'm going to like the
second year without summer in 2002!
Got any last words, fat boy?
SANTA
I regret I have only one life to
give... Because if I had more, I
wouldn't be dead in five minutes.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Sweet. Now, kindly die!
Suddenly, Thad enters holding a smoking grill.
THAD
Fish is ready! OOPS!
Thad trips sending the red hot coals over ICY THE SNOWMAN and
BLIZZARD THE SNOWMAN melting them.
BLIZZARD THE SNOWMAN
ARRRRRRRRGH!!!
ICY THE SNOWMAN
GAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
They die.
THAD
Did I do a bad thing? Oh, hey!
Look at the snowmen! Who made
them?
Frosty, Hypothermia, and Frostbite begin shooting up the room
as Liam, Thad, Arturo, and Santa run for it. Icicles from
the snowmen's guns imbed themselves in the wall.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Move, yous mugs! I'm gonna enjoy
putting these losers on ice!
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP
The dark abandoned workshop is still showing signs of the
explosion as the snowmen enter.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Hypothermia, yous cover the exits
and Frostbite, yous make sure theys
don't back track.
They split up.
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP
Frostbite the Snowman makes his way through the workshop
among the scattered toys and stuff. Suddenly, Thad/Werewolf
jumps from a catwalk and lands right in front of him.
FROSTBITE THE SNOWMAN
What the hells yous supposed to be?
THAD/WEREWOLF
I'm a werewolf.
FROSTBITE THE SNOWMAN
A werewolf? Ain't no such thing!
THAD/WEREWOLF
This from the walking pile of snow
with a tommy gun?
FROSTBITE THE SNOWMAN
Don't matter if yous is a werewolf,
buddy. Ain't nothing you can do to
hurt me. I got the gun and yous
got nothing!
Thad/Werewolf kicks him in the groin. The snowman goes down
moaning and coughing.
THAD/WEREWOLF
Huh. What do you know! Snowballs!
Rimshot.
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP
Hypothermia the Snowwoman is stalking the workshop when
suddenly, her gun is kicked out of her hand. It's Arturo.
Hypothermia smirks.
HYPOTHERMIA THE SNOWWOMAN
You think I need a gun to kill you?
I've got thousands of dangerous
toys at my disposal!
Hypothermia grabs a Barbie Doll and yanks off a leg, using it
as a knife. She lunges at the professor burying the Barbie
leg in a solid concrete wall.
ARTURO
SONUVA!!!
Hypothermia then picks up several Furbies and throws them
like throwing stars, each one embedding themselves in the
wall behind Arturo who just barley manages to get away.
Finally, Hypothermia uses a Slinky as a boa and tangles up
Arturo's legs, cutting off his escape.
HYPOTHERMIA THE SNOWWOMAN
I'm a trained killer, pops. Yous
didn't stand a chance!
ARTURO
That's what YOU think!
Arturo has managed to grab an Easy Bake Oven. He breaks off
the front cover turning the toy into a flame thrower.
HYPOTHERMIA THE SNOWWOMAN
ARRRRRRRRGH!!!
Hypothermia melts into a puddle.
ARTURO
A pity. For a snowwoman, she was
rather hot.
A beat.
ARTURO
That was terrible! Why did I say
that?
Thad steps up next to him.
THAD
The one liners just pop up out of
nowhere. Don't blame yourself.
ARTURO
I mean, making fun of the death of
another being was...
(a beat)
Cold.
THAD
Good one.
ARTURO
Maybe I should have just told her
to 'freeze'?
THAD
Perhaps.
ARTURO
Maybe, I...
THAD
Okay. Stop.
ARTURO
Where's Liam and Santa?
THAD
I don't know, but I'm sure they're
all right.
INT. THE HEAD ELF'S OFFICE
Liam and Santa are tied to chairs with blindfolds on. Frosty
is behind them about to execute them.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
I'd ask if yous have any last
words, but then you'd probably say
something that would probably save
yous from death or some such
garbage.
LIAM
You wouldn't shoot a man in the
back, would you?
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Naw, I guess I'd better shoot you
in the stomach. It's much more
painful.
LIAM
Me and my big mouth.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
I think I'll shoot the big fat guy
first.
Frosty prepares to fire when all of the sudden, in a wave of
hellfire, SATAN and SCRAPPY appear. Frosty backs away from
the flames.
SATAN
Ah, Frosty... I hope you don't mind
if we come up and watch the...
(he sees Liam)
HOLY HELL, what are YOU doing here?
LIAM
(shrugs)
Eh, you know me.
SATAN
(laughs)
I've been wanting to see you
destroyed even more than this
wretched goody-two-shoes! Oh, what
a merry Christmas I'm going to have
this year. Two of my most hated
enemies gunned down in front of my
eyes.
SANTA
Satan! I should have known you
were behind this!
SATAN
Yeah, yeah, yeah.. woulda, coulda,
shoulda. Let's not live in the
past, fat boy. Let's think of a
future where children all over the
world awaken to find maggots in
their stockings and razor blades in
their Christmas turkey! A world of
exploding dreidels and poisoned
Kwanza gifts! That's right,
Santa... Tonight, Satan Claus makes
this a Christmas to live in infamy.
Scrappy begins applauding feverishly.
SCRAPPY
Bravo! Bravo!
SATAN
Stop being a yes man!
SCRAPPY
Yes sir. You're absolutely right,
I was being a yes man.
Frosty is against the wall.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Yo, devil boy! Yous mind turning
down the heat a little?
SATAN
Of course.
With a wave of his hand, Satan commands the hellfire away.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Good. I was beginning to
understand wheres the term 'a
snowball's chance in hell' came
from.
SATAN
Enough of this! Kill them
immediately.
Scrappy jumps up on Liam's stomach and stares him in the
face.
SCRAPPY
Any last words, chuckle nuts?
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
I wouldn't do that is I was yous.
SATAN
SILENCE!
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
I'm just saying...
SATAN
NOW!
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Fine.
SATAN
Scappy, honey, you were saying?
SCRAPPY
(to Liam)
Any last words?
LIAM
A few, actually. Rudolph with your
nose so bright, won't you destroy
this snowman tonight?
SCRAPPY
I don't get it.
SANTA
You will.
Suddenly, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer crashes through a
window. He faces Frosty the Snowman and a bright beam of
energy leaps from his red nose and strikes Frosty.
Frosty screams and runs to Satan who catches him before he
can hit the ground. Frosty is melting like something in a
gory horror movie.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
(dying)
It's coy-tains, I tells ya! Coy
tains!
Frosty collapses in a puddle on the floor.
SATAN
Well, sh*t.
RUDOLPH
YEAH, BEE-OTCH!!!
SCRAPPY
To hell with Frosty! Let's just
kill them ourselves!
SATAN
We... Can't.
SCRAPPY
WHAT?
SANTA, LIAM, & RUDOLPH
WHAT?
SCRAPPY
What do you MEAN we can't kill
them?
SATAN
While on the Earth plane I am
forbidden by...
(whispers, points upwards)
...you know who...
(normally)
from directly attacking anyone.
Sure...
(whispers, points up)
...he...
(normally)
...lets Me get away with general
mischeif and torture every now and
again, but to kill Liam Smith and
Saint Nikolas would invite his
wrath on me and that is something I
cannot afford right now. Release
them.
Scrappy can't believe his ears.
SCRAPPY
But, I...
SATAN
RELEASE THEM!
Scrappy jumps in fright, then unties Santa and Liam.
LIAM
I must say this is somewhat
unexpected.
SATAN
Consider this a friendly overture,
boy. Your reckoning is coming soon
and even...
(silently, pointing up)
...you-know-who...
(normally)
...won't be able to protect you.
Satan walks around Liam as if he's sizing him up.
SATAN
You fear me, don't you boy? Good.
Santa steps in front of Liam, shielding him from Satan.
SANTA
You said what you came to say. Now
get out of here!
SATAN
(to Liam)
I'll see you soon.
Satan and Scrappy disappear in a wave of hellfire.
EXT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP
Liam and Santa are walking outside the building.
SANTA
...fortunatly, the elves at by
backup workshops have been working
overtime since the explosion.
They've got enough toys for all the
good little boys and girls all over
the world. Christmas will once
again be on schedule thanks to you
and your friends.
(he looks around)
Speaking of your friends, where are
they?
Thad and Arturo walk around the corner, both eating
something.
LIAM
There they are.
ARTURO
Ah, yes... So, I take it everything
worked out well?
(he offers them what he's
eating)
Salmon?
THAD
Freshly grilled.
SANTA
No thanks. I have a full night
ahead of me delivering toys and
things, after I drop you guys off.
Santa walks over to the sleigh off in the distance.
THAD
This was fun!
ARTURO
I have to admit that my inner child
was delighted to come to the North
Pole and help Santa!
LIAM
Yeah, it feels good to do something
right for once and not screw it up.
KER-BLOOEY!!! Santa's Sleigh erupts in a fireball.
ARTURO
OH MY GOD!!!
LIAM
GAH! SANTA'S DEAD!!!
THAD
No, no, no! Guys! Maybe he's
okay!
WHAM! Santa falls in front of them bruised, broken, and
bleeding, but still alive.
THAD
See? He's fine!
They crouch down with Santa.
LIAM
Santa! What happened!?
SANTA
Must... Must have been something
the Snow-Mafia set up before...!
Ow!
ARTURO
Sit down, man! You're in no
condition to move!
SANTA
But... Christmas! The children!
THAD
We've got to get you to a hospital,
dude!
SANTA
No! First we have to find a
replacement!
LIAM
For you? Where else are we going
to find a jolly old fat man on the
North Pole at THIS time of night?
Silence. Thad and Liam look at the professor.
ARTURO
Oh, no... No, no, no, no, NO!
INT. A HOUSE
We see a Christmas tree and a fireplace. A man in a Santa
suit crashes down into the fireplace. He gets up, dusts
himself off and we see that he is the professor.
ARTURO
Bloody Christmas!
There is a sound. Arturo whirls around and sees a little boy
with a small puppy.
LITTLE BOY
Santa?
ARTURO
No... Uh, I mean. Yes. What do
you want? Shouldn't you be in bed?
LITTLE BOY
Did you bring me a Nintendo
Gamecube like I asked for? I've
been REALLY good this year!
ARTURO
Er.. Sorry kid, but we couldn't
make enough Gamecubes.
LITTLE BOY
Well, you FAT SON OF A BITCH!
ARTURO
What?
LITTLE BOY
I sold seeds, I helped the elderly,
and I gave BLOOD for God's sake
because I thought I was getting a
Gamecube and now YOU tell me that
I'm not getting one?
(to puppy)
SIC 'EM SNUFFLES!!!
The puppy leaps at Arturo's face and attacks him. Arturo
tries to pull the dog off of him but only ends up doing a
Chris Farley routine, crashing into the tree and finally into
the coffee table.
EXT. THE ROOF
Thad and Rudolph are listening to the professor scream.
Thad's back is to the camera.
THAD
Does Santa have to put up with this
kind of stuff all the time?
RUDOLPH
Oh, brotha! You would NOT believe.
You should have been here during
the great Tickle Me Elmo shortage
of 1998! What are you doing back
there anyway?
THAD
Just writing my name in the snow.
Thad zips up and turns back to Rudolph.
THAD
Well, I'm glad that Santa's going
to the hospital so he can do this
next year. My foot's been asleep
since Malaysia.
RUDOLPH
Yeah, he'll go to the hospital
eventually.
THAD
What do you mean 'eventually'?
RUDOLPH
Well, he has a special delivery he
wanted to make personally.
INT. HELL
Satan is sitting in his throne talking on a phone.
SATAN
Look, tell them I don't CARE if
they were TOLD they were going to
sit on the right side of Allah.
(a pause)
Well, they should have thought
about that before they hijacked
those planes.
SOUND EFFECT
PLOP!
SATAN
(on phone)
Tell them that Sodomization is
standard practice here and they're
not getting special treatment.
(a beat)
Yes, I KNOW it's a lie. I'm not
called the King of Lies for
nothing, numbnuts!
SOUND EFFECT
PLOP!
SATAN
(on phone)
Okay, after the sodomization, let's
burn them alive again, but make it
last, oh... I don't know...
Four or five thousand years for
them and then do it over again
after dropping them in a tub of
hydrogen peroxide. Then I want
them crushed under 110 stories of
rubble about 50 or 60 times a day.
SOUND EFFECT
PLOP!
SATAN
(on phone)
Then I...
(sniff sniff)
What's that smell?
EXT. A CAVERN
Santa is sitting on top of a chimney with his pants down
around his legs silently laughing to himself as Liam waits in
a sleigh. 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' plays furiously
in the background as we...
FADE OUT:
THE END